The Gull

Once upon a morning dreary, while I wondered weak and weary
Over many a pile of garbage bags laid by the door,
While my slippers I was wearing, suddenly there came a tearing,
'Tis my neighbor' I muttered, swearing as he sputtered
Only this and nothing more

Distinctly I remember, for it was early in November,
And Mother Nature's temp had dropped to minus four,
This could not wait until the morrow, my landlady's garbage net I'd have to borrow
For me now there was no sorrow, upon completion of this chore,
For the council appoints the time of this chore,
Assigned here for evermore

On the sound of savage ripping,
I wondered if my mind was slipping,
My neighbors fingers he was flipping,
My neighbor cursing by my apartment door,
Only this, and nothing more

Presently the stench grew stronger,
I could not last a minute longer,
'Excuse me' I said daring,
'Could you please cut out the swearing,
For the whole street it is hearing,
Words they haven't heard before'
He just stood there, nothing more

As I stood upon him peering,
Another outburst i was fearing
For I had just wanted to complete my chore,
Suddenly he broke the lull, pointed forward and whispered "Gull"
'Gull' I whispered, stunned by the word spoke before,
Garbage there and nothing more

Back into my apartment turning,
My neighbors rage inside him burning,
I heard him swearing louder then he had before,
I looked outside my window pane,
As he became more profane,
'Tis his mind, and nothing more'

Open then I flung the door, then my heart began to sore,
For at the garbage the gull had tore,
Not the least compassion showed he,
Nothing could stop or sway he,
Perched upon the garbage he had tore,
Perched and sat, he ate some more

Then the ivory bird sat waiting,
On my nerves he was grating,
Because of the smug and smarmy look he wore,
As garbage littered the street, I wondered how it could be beat,
Wondered if I could defeat,
This bird who at my garbage tore,
Quoth the gull "got anymore"

I marveled at this gull now walking,
Surely he could not be talking,
This creature who at my garbage tore,
I obviously needed sleep,
Go back to bed and count more sheep,
Surely while this bird was stalking,
He could not really be talking,
Asking if I had any more

The gull now sitting on the bag,
Engaged me in a game of tag,
As it's wings it did flutter,
I wondered how it would taste with butter,
As revenge for my garbage tore,
When the truck comes he will leave,
My neighbor he did not believe
"He will be gone, nevermore"

Startled by his reply
'Definitely' said I, for the winter it is near,
And he will surely disappear,
Then no longer will our bags be tore,
Quoth the Gull "got anymore"

But the gull, still there sitting,
Caused my neighbor to start spitting, more profanity then ever before,
This gull would drive a man to drinking,
As the bag continued shrinking,
The garbage bag at which he tore,
He will not get anymore

Just then the fog grew denser,
The gull chewed on a Pez Dispenser,
'wretch' I cried, it was not funny,
As he severed the head of Bugs Bunny,
Coming out the bag from which he tore,
What's up Doc? Nevermore

Defeated I sat in a slump,
'Get thee back into the dump'
Was this bird, or was this devil,
Truly it was not on the level,
I had just wanted to complete this chore
But he showed the bag what for,
And now it will be taken, nevermore

The truck it is here, the gull departing,
As the clean-up I am starting, but the truck continues darting,
Darting down the road some more,
The anger now inside me swelling,
Soon I commence to yelling, yelling by my bag that's tore,
Leave no trash as a token, can't you hear what I have spoken?
He just drove down the road some more

And the garbage, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
On the street, by my apartment door,
All the neighbors do is yell,
And complain about the smell, from the garbage that was tore,
They will continue to frown,
Until I hear from the town,
The odor shall be lifted, nevermore

My scientific experiment:: can a 30 year old man successfully go trick or treating

There is one day every year where kids get to put on their cutest or scariest costumes and are rewarded with candy for their efforts. This day has many different names, some call it All Hollow's Eve, the Mexican people refer to it as the day of the dead, Micheal Jackson referred to it as every Friday at the Neverland Ranch. I am of course talking about Halloween, a day where good dental health was put on the back burner and the ugly kids could finally walk around in public without offending anyone. I remember as a boy being whisked from house to house along with my brothers and sisters, marveling over the amount of candy we received and rushing home to reap the rewards of our journey. I have fond memories of sorting through piles of candy looking for the best ones first, eating candy until your stomach hurt, and looking confused as my brothers and sister told me that that razor blade in the apple was good for me, and that I should eat it, yes I took a lot of heat for ruining the split of a six pack of Oka-dokas.

As I've gotten older trick or treating has become a thing of the past, until this year, when I decided to see what would happen if I went around from house to house asking for candy. I wanted to see if Halloween was still just for kids, or could anybody get in on the action, so with that in mind, lets get to the findings shall we.

*The first thing every good trick or treater needs is a costume. Instead of going and buying a costume I decided to use what things I had at home. Taking an old work shirt and pants I cut some holes and using a hockey mask I decided on Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, it's been done a lot but its and oldie but a goodie. I figured some people may call this uninspired so I thought I needed a trial run. First finding of my research: people DO NOT like it if you show up in costume at their door in a mask on a day that's not Halloween, girls WILL scream loudly, and WILL call the cops without hesitation. My research got off to a rocky start.

*The second thing every trick or treater needs is a good route, preferably close to their home base and houses that look like good locations where they can score the best treats. So I walked down my street looking for houses that were decorated for Halloween as I figured they would be most likely to participate in the festivities. In an interesting turn of events when people saw me do this they ran in fear, some brave souls chased me with bats. I found this data to be rather interesting until I remembered I still had my costume on. So I ditched the mask for the rest of the walk, and people were much more receptive, seeing my tattered rags some even gave me money, and encouraging advice such as buy myself a warm coffee and don't spend it on booze.

*So last night was the big night, as the time to leave grew closer the anticipation started to build. I knew the kids would have a head start as their parents would want to get them to bed early, so I knew this would be a hindrance to my plan of getting the best candy possible. However; I have many things in my favor, I am older, somewhat wiser, my legs are longer so I am faster, and I'm pretty agile for my size, able to leap tall kids in a single bound. I decided to leave the house around six, starting with houses in my general area, and lets just say things got off to a rocky start. The reactions of the first few houses ranged from scream, slap, groin kicking, mace, BEAR MACE, actual MID-EVIL mace(seriously who has one of those), bag of popcorn, being chased by a shotgun toting old women. Seriously if your girlfriend is that nervous, don't leave her home alone when a thirty year old man in rags and a goalie mask comes knocking asking if she has any candy.

While my experiment got off to a bad start, you will be glad to know it ended quite successfully. Whats that? you say, it did not seem like I was successful, sure the reception at the houses might not have been the warmest, but for all their efforts the police never caught me, and thanks to that chance encounter with those surprised and scared little kids, I came home with quite the haul indeed.

Conclusions: while Halloween can be a difficult day to get ready for, it can also be easy if you do it right, kind of like stealing candy from a baby...............or a bunch of 8 year olds.

How to spend your holidays in no easy steps

Last Friday was supposed to be the start of an exciting time for me, it was the start of my mini holidays. I usually don't ask for many days off, I tend to work long hours, six sometimes seven days a week, I like to think I'm a machine, much like a terminator(I need your boots and your clothes) but with it being so busy lately I asked for a few days off just to recharge. It was supposed to be a time of accomplishment, my own summer of George if you will, only in September. I was finally going to get around to those memoirs........that I'd been reading, I was going to find a nice pond and feed the ducks as to fatten them up so I could feed on them, but fate, fate had other ideas. My holidays started nicely enough, a relaxing Friday night, a busy Saturday spent cleaning the apartment but soon disaster would strike in the name of mysterious ankle pain. Ankle pain is my one true weakness, my Achilles heel if you will and it struck suddenly on Saturday, worsening on Sunday, no doubt aggravated by a heated three point contest on Wii Sports Resort. I went to the doctor and his diagnosis was simply.....your an idiot and stop playing video games, I didn't see any ducks at the pond but it looks like I found a quack.

Everyone told me to keep my leg elevated, eventually it was higher then Lindsay Lohan is these days, and with my attention span so short I'm not one to sit around with my legs in the air like some Vietnamese prostitute(no offense to Vietnamese woman, I could have used any nationality but why have hamburger when you could had steak) so I tried to come up with as many fun things to do on one leg as possible, and here is what I came up with:

- Reenact Terry Fox's legendary run across Canada, now on two legs I can barely run across the street but with one leg I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I started by ceremoniously dipping my leg in the bathtub but much like the water caused Terry Fox's leg to rust(as alleged...........by me) it was my downfall too, as I didn't complete the journey, but only because I tripped over a bath towel that had fallen on the floor.

-Find an army jacket and yell at a bunch of kids about how you've seen some things man, and some stuff, and you wouldn't recommend it.

-Master Hopscotch

-Randomly fall down and see how many people pick you up. Warning, this may backfire, and to the person who stole my wallet while I was unconscious please stop using all my Subway points, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COOKIES THOSE POINTS WILL GET ME YOU MONSTER.

-Play Mario Kart Wii for hours

- Become introduced to new levels of rage while playing Mario Kart Wii, seriously why does everything have to come at you at once, and if one more character hits me, Wii are going to have some serious problems.

So there you have it, just some ways where you can make the best out of a bad situation, the way I look at it, at least I'm not a horse or I'd be glue right now. Being glue would totally suck but hey at least I could form a bond with anything.

Yes Wii can

Having your bills paid and available money is always a dangerous thing isn't it folks? Well for me it is anyway because nine times out of ten it ends up burning a hole in my pocket, then I have to go buy new pants, and end up spending money regardless. It does not help that my work is located in a very busy part of town with a lot of stores, including an EB games store situated across the parking lot, convenient for me, not so much for my bank account. Roughly this time every year I contemplate buying a Nintendo Wii but I can usually talk myself out of it, come up with reasons not to justify it, or something comes on television and I forget about it. Well, since TV shows aren't new again till next week(except Sons of Anarchy whooo) I decided to say the hell with it and make the long walk across the parking lot to bring a new toy to the apartment.

I walk up to the counter and ask the girl if they have any Nintendo systems in stock and she says "Wii" , after asking if she spoke English, she for some reason rolled her eyes and pointed to the shelf and guided me to the right direction. Before I bring it up the counter I of course see what games look interesting, really buying the system is contingent on if they have Mario Kart or not, but alas I do not see it, until magically it appears before me, it's used, but what the hey, beggars can't be choosy, unless your that homeless guy my brother saw taking a sub out of the garbage and picking the tomato off, then beggars can be choosy. The girl goes through all the jibba jabba about warranties and tries to sell me stuff but I decline cause I have my system and honestly Wii would just like to get out of there, but not before she makes me paranoid by saying sometimes the bags break and it's not pretty, thanks...... thanks a lot.

Now the walk home is tense, I cradle it so Wii can make it home safely, all the while thinking screw you bio-degradable bags, if you burst and Wii don't make it home alive, I will litter from one end of this town to the next, I will stop at Tim Horton's and just buy sleeves of empty cups and throw them on the ground, and there is a not a God or a Captain Planet that can stop me. Luckily the walk home was uneventful and Wii made it home safely, I dust off the entertainment center and the Ps3 to make it neat and tidy for the arrival of his Wii little brother. At first I wonder if I am gonna have enough room to place it somewhere, but luckily after trying a few different ways Wii Fit.

Early trial runs are proving quite enjoyable, it is fun, entertaining, and even educational, as Wii sports teaches us that people with no arms can do quite well at tennis, boxing, bowling, baseball, and golf, although in golf it leads to quite the handicap..........yeah I said it don't look at Mii. Of course I still love the PlayStation, and I first I wondered if I had two systems could Wii all co-exist and I could spend time with both, well folks in the words of a famous man yes Wii Can.

Signs you may need an Exorcism

Last night I was supposed to go see a movie with some friends, that it is until the gods intervened and gave me a sinus cold instead. The movie we had planned on seeing was the Last Exorcism, I think it was the number one move this past weekend but I'm not sure, I'd do some research and find out but *cue Jessie Ventura in Predator voice* I ain't got time to read. The whole ritual of an exorcism makes me wonder, how far gone does a person have to be before you think "nope, a doctor's not going to cut it, I think I need a priest." I have thought (not so) long and (not so) hard on this matter, and here I think are some signs you may need an exorcism.

- If you suddenly can contort your body into impossible shapes, and your not a gymnast, then you may need an exorcism

- If you have seen the commercial for M. Night Shyamalan's movie The Devil and you say "oh yeah I remember doing that to those people in the elevator" you may need an exorcism

- If you wreak havoc on all religious property in your house, but leave the Dale Earnhardt collector's plates intact you might be a redneck...........um who needs an exorcism.

- If every time you look down and you can't see your toes.......you may need to exorcise.

- I recently had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head, hmmm maybe I need an exorcism.

- If the job is too much for a young priest to handle, and they have to call in an old priest to walk creepily out of the fog, oh yeah, you totally need an exorcism.

- If you recently watched news pundit Rex Murphy and you get these weird feelings and start spouting off big words, you may need a Rexorcism.

-If suddenly you can spin your head right round, right round, like a circle baby, right round, right round your either a huge fan of Dead or Alive, or you need an exorcism.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are other signs. I don't really know much about this Devil fellow, I know he went down to Georgia that one time, and he fought Arnold Schwarzenegger in the End of Days, but other then that I don't pay too much attention to him. All I know is a lot of crazy things can happen in this world, so watch out who you refer to as a devil, for you never know, they just might be.

Bear-ly Legal

Ah the majestic bear, for hundreds of years they have asserted their dominance, tremendously fast for their size, great catchers of fish, bringers of fear for hikers, in fact the only thing bears can't do is win a Superbowl. As of today bears can add a new quality to their resume, protector of weed crops. Mounties in British Columbia who went into the woods the other day couldn't believe their eyes, for in the trees where nobody sees, they were not playing hide and seek as long as they please, and this was no teddy bear's picnic, what the Mounties stumbled on was a huge crop of marijuana plants that were apparently being guarded by black bears.

Mounties in B.C. were reportedly given a tip that there was a huge crop of marijuana in the woods just southwest of Calgary; however, what the informant somehow forget to mention was that the weed growers HAD SURROUNDED THE PLACE WITH BEARS....ahem.... sorry but I think this ruins the informants chances of getting any money from Crime Stoppers. Officers were surprised at how tame the bears seemed to be until they clued in on the fact that hey, they were probably fed some of the weed to keep them calm, no doubt the first bit was free, but gradually the price went up. You know now that I think about it, is feeding the bears marijuana really a good plan? I mean I'm no expert, I've never touched the stuff, but I know it gives you a severe case of the munchies, so do you really want to be around a hungry bear?

The Mounties, much like most NHL teams, had no trouble getting past the bruins, and investigating the crop, some of the bears were even quite helpful. A few of the bears mentioned that they had seen a blond haired girl roaming around, and that they even thought she had been sleeping in their beds and eating their porridge. One bear mentioned that the owners of the crop were nice people but they could be harsh, he went on to say that he was suspended without pay once because and I quote "I was gonna go to work, but then I got high."

When I read this news story it made me shake my head, it's crazy what lengths some people will go too. It is a story that is really too crazy to make up, of course who is to say that the Mounties never got into the stash, I mean I once chased an imaginary midget for 2 miles after taking an Advil so after a couple of joints, who knows, maybe some bears that weren't there a minute ago randomly pop out. The bears were taken away from the area, and sadly it seems they may have to be put down, cause have you ever seen a bear go through withdrawals, I haven't, but something tells me it would be terrifying yet hilarious. Some of the bears accepted their fate, and were able to grin and bear it, while others could bear-ly contain themselves. Just let this be a lesson to the rest of you pot growers thinking of using bears as security, you may think it's a great plan but it's a total polar opposite of that, there will be many black days ahead, and if found out, the results could be quite grizzly.

Things in my childhood that have been ruined with age: Super Mario Kart

Today while on the internet I was feeling a little bored so I went to Google and began looking for what most guys look for when they are bored on the internet........that being sites that will allow you to play.........old super Nintendo games for free. It was on this trek that I discovered the crown jewel, one of my most favorite games of all time, Super Mario Kart. I am not here to bash this game, for it will always hold a special place for me, but as with most things age and "wisdom" have given me perspective on some of the things that occur in the game, and some of the things it might have taught us children. I still love video games today but there is something magical about them when you are a kid, the joys of passing that impossible level, the marvel at your cat like reflexes, the screams.................of your father to turn that off before it ruined the picture on the television, this was truly the golden age.

However, while rekindling this old flame with Mario Kart I started to look at things differently, and memories started to come back. The more I played and the more I thought of it, I'm pretty sure that this is the game that led to my brother Bill's(visit his blog, it's quality reading, and it has grammar and stuff) road rage and video game issues. Now I have been in the car with my brother, and he is in fact a fine driver, but he like most good drivers, like to lament at how many rubes in today's society are allowed to drive, and there tends to be some four letter lamenting. I can't help but wonder if the objects you could hurl at your opponents in the game were real how it would resolve road rage, cause let's face it, sometimes you just gotta throw something.

Actually the throwing of objects is one of the many unsafe things featured in this game. The game is laden with such dangers as banana peels, oil slicks(that don't kill any animals looking at you BP) giant mud patches, and the most dangerous of them all, a woman driver......okay okay I kid I kid................she's on a go kart she can't do that much damage, but if you look closer I swear you can see her putting on her make-up while driving. That, if your counting, is reason number 1,45o why I'm still single, but anywho, the game allows you to travel at break neck speeds, some levels provide no safety railings which allow you to plummet to earth like Tiger Woods golf game, and gives you no chance to slow down before becoming a wreck, much like Lindsay Lohan.

The game puts you under immense pressure, the way the music amps up on the final lap, which brings out the desire to crush your opponent like a bug. You can employ strategies, like the placing of a turtle shell or a banana peel to wipe out your competitors, but that could come back to haunt you if you stick something in the wrong place, once again much like Tiger Woods.

Oh who am I kidding, I still love this game, not since the time I kicked those kindergarten kids off the playground have i felt so good about asserting my dominance, still undefeated on the beach course baby, as Johnny Drama would say on Viking Quest.....VICTORY.

****Disclaimer**** no animals were hurt in my playing of Mario Kart, besides that one stupid mole who wouldn't get off my kart until I fell in the water, they got me out in time but I'm pretty sure he drowned, let that be a lesson to the rest of you moles

The Ballad of Micheal Beauregard

Today when I arrived at work I was told a harrowing tale by my kitchen manager Mike, who we call Bogey both as a way to shorten his last name and because he's a self admitted terrible golfer. Bogey just got back from a week off and when I asked him how it went his response was "Just excellent...............until they dropped the fridge on me." Naturally when you hear that sentence you have to hear what comes next, and as he preceded to tell me the story my mentality(one that I've had for years, and the mentality of my brothers and fellow kitchen staff workers) of it's funny cause it didn't happen to me kicked in, and it led to many jokes being made throughout the day. So because I always have to take things one step further, and because he's probably not gonna read this, I present to you now the Ballad of Micheal Beauregard.


Here lies Bogey, he moved just a smidge
And found himself trapped, under a fridge
He had asked his son and his dad for some guidance
Yet he still found himself, underneath the appliance

He could not scream or yell, all he could do was whisper
For his legs were pinned, by the vegetable crisper
He struggled to get free before all hope was lost
Soon it would be too late, the fridge would defrost

The fridge gave way when his dad couldn't hold her
Now when they meet, he gets the cold shoulder
His son stood silent, his face fixed in awe
He couldn't believe there was a fridge on his Pa

Bogey couldn't believe it himself
When the door it flew open and down came a shelf
Then the fridge it was lifted, he was freed from death's choke
And all he could say, was that he needed a smoke

Bogey survived this extraordinary tussle
With only some bumps and some bruises
And a slightly pulled muscle
As the days went on, his spirits were higher
As he thought to himself, at least it wasn't a dryer

If Mel Gibson calls for me, tell him I'm not home

Today in the tell us how you really feel file lands Mel Gibson, who has the internet abuzz this week with the recordings of a let's just say less then civil conversation with the mother of his child that wasn't his wife. As usual my knowledge and care for the facts are limited but from what I gather Gibson was rather upset that his ex-girlfriend Oksana supported the decision Lebron James made to sign with the Heat, and this was the last straw in a tumultuous relationship, sending Gibson spiraling out of control, and causing him to tell her how he really felt. And boy oh boy tell her he did, I would transcribe his outbursts, but I like to think of this blog as a house of Jesus, or it was until Jesus read what I wrote here. Hearing Mel say these things almost brought a tear to my eye not only because it made me think of how far he has fallen, but it made me nostalgic for the times that I used to sit and watched Giants games with my dad.

However, things aren't totally looking down for Mel, I mean he has the support of Whoopi Goldberg, that's gotta count for something right? She has come out and said that in no way is Mel a racist, she knows this cause he played with her kids, no no he's not a racist, he's just an alcoholic that's all, she knows this cause he shared it with the kids, but hey she didn't mind, it settled them down while she spent the ten hours it takes to do whatever that thing on her head is. Now I'm not a fan of alcohol but I think it gets a bad rap here, I don't think it's to blame at all, you know what I think it is? Rabies, that's right rabies, listen to the tape, the man's breathing heavier then Roman Powlanski at a teenage girl's soccer game, and no doubt foaming at the mouth.

We all know that people love a good train wreck, but this is a case where I think Mel Gibson could have been helped. I mean The Signs were there when he went on his tirade about the Jewish people, it was then we should have seen that he was at the Edge of Darkness. I believe Mel has a good soul and a Braveheart, but something just snapped inside and it drove him Mad to the Max and he couldn't take it anymore. Mel is just a misguided man who truly thought he know What Women Want but this woman turned it upside down and it was time for Payback. His judgment got the better of him and he became a Lethal Weapon 4 a while, holding his sanity for Ransom. He lived dangerously like A Bird on a Wire, everybody knew him, they stared at him like he was A Man Without a Face, but even if we stopped believing in him, he never stopped believing in us, he knew deep down We Were Soldiers. If Mel is guilty of anything it's having too much Passion(of the Christ), but now that his career has no doubt suffered an Apocalypto, let's not think of him as the stark raving lunatic he is but as he was, a Road Warrior, a Patriot, and a Maverick.

Canada: A look Back

Break out the Tim Horton's and the beer, it looks like somebody's got a birthday. That's right, today our country of Canada turns 143 years old, putting her right up there with the Queen of England and Keith Richards. Today is the day when Canadians all across the country unite to celebrate our nation, right before they go back to complaining about it the next day, this year the festivities haven't been just a one day event, people in Toronto have been going nuts all week, smashing things, lighting cop cars on fire, they might not be able to hold their booze, but apparently those guys can party. There has been a lot of complaining about the ways the people of Toronto celebrate, but give them a break, it's not like they are ever gonna get to that for a celebration of one of their sports team, so let them go wild. Today, since it is the birth of the place we call home I'd like to give her a little tribute, take a look back at her life, and some of the major happenings.

Canada has changed a lot from it's humble beginnings, it started out merely as a place full of natives sitting around doing nothing, okay I guess some parts of Canada stayed the same, but then the white man cometh, and the white man taketh away. It's like Canada was there was the Native people's favorite restaurant, and all of a sudden they just stopped taking reservations(ba dum ching) and they withered under the powerful grasp of whitey, ironically some years later we devoted a railroad to stopping just that very thing in America. Then there was the time we burned down the white house, yeah we did that, for the longest time I believe it was the only physical harm ever done to the white house, until Barack Obama started raising the roof there on a daily basis.

..........And then for a long time nothing happened

Then some guy got accused of treason, sure he may have been a treacherous man but I think it's cause the people couldn't deal with what he was laying down, say what you want about the man but Louis kept it Riel. Then Canada went to war, and we fought bravely, then we decided we didn't like war, but we didn't mind supervising, so we started peacekeeping, using soothing words instead of weapons, and letting our aggression be taken out by hitting spheres of rubber with wooden sticks, and fighting not cause it made sense but it made the game more exciting, and you got to sit in that little box. Some years later the province of Quebec started feeling like Jan Brady and wanted to leave, months of suspense lead up to a big referendum asking the same question as the Clash did, should I stay or should I go? After all the fuss the only thing that ended up leaving was their hockey team, and we stayed a nation intact, enjoying the influx of poutine and maple syrup.

As Canada gets older I'm sure she will look back and reflect at the times she's had. Sure she's not perfect, she's had men lead her astray, but always clung to them thinking that they could change. She gets poked fun at a lot, and from one end of the country to the other people walk all over her, it seems like the only time people know her anthem is during the playoffs, but as she looks back would she really change anything. The more she thinks of it the more she thinks that there are probably a few things she could change, some things she could do without, such as:

Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Brian Williams, Celine Dion, Jean Chretian, Wayne Gretzky's spotlight stealing leech of a father, Mike Duffy, Celine Dion, Rita McNeil( that's gotta drop a couple of hundred pounds there) Winnipeg, Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, the Vancouver Grizzlies(oh wait) Ryan Reynolds, Celine Dion, Fred Penner, the Saskatoon Naval reserve, Stephen Harper, Corey Hart( he can join his career in obscurity) and lastly....Celine Dion.

So tonight be sure to celebrate Canada's birthday by blowing up a little piece of it, but treat her with some respect, she's old, and sometimes senile. And to all Americans, happy birthday to your country on Sunday, sure you may think your the best place in the world, but our birthday is first, so we got all the good presents.

Breaking up is......not so hard to do for Bank of Montreal apparently

I was faced yesterday with a problem, I had to end a relationship that I had for years, one that was good for me, I had to close my bank account I had with the Bank of Montreal. To prepare myself that the awkwardness that was to come, and the expected bunch of questions, such as why are you leaving us? is there someone else? can't you give us another chance? I decided to take a walk to clear my head. My walk took me around the legendary Signal hill, site of Marconi's first trans-Atlantic message or something like that, you know what history doesn't mention is that he actually lost reception, so there ya have it Newfoundland, we are the site of the first ever dropped call.

On the way home the time came to do the deed, to walk in there, face all the accusing eyes, and get it over with. I planned to do it quick, rip it off like a band-aid, but I figured they would keep me there, beg me to stay but I did not expect what happened next. I went up and said it's over, I'm done, I had found a newer sexier bank and their response was.........OK. There was no shock, there was no tears, there was no feeling, it's as if they were relieved, like they were going to do it first but I saved them the trouble. Now I know I'm not the most caring person in the world, but this seemed low even for me. I mean even the time when I rejected the mail order bride cause her mustache was bigger then mine I still felt bad for giving her the wrong name and slamming the door in her face. I even bought Svetlana a ticket back home.....or as far as Corner Brook, I can't really remember, but hey there's a lot of things in Corner Brook, I mean, they have PULP and PAPER, yeah yeah I know, had pulp and paper.

They took what little money I left in that account, for the monthly fee, and charged for saying that I used the bank machines too many times, but truly it is me who feels used. I gave you several good years of my life and this is how you repay me, by leaving me emptier then a BP oil container, leaving me lonelier then Betty White at a Golden Girls reunion. Well shame on you Bank of Montreal, for you see much like the Elephant Man I am a human being(and I enjoy peanuts) and if you cut me I do bleed, and Bank of Montreal you cut me deep just now.

For now I'm just gonna sit here wallowing in my half pint of ice cream, and for a while it's gonna be awkward when I pass you on the street, but time heals all wounds (unless they are fatal) and eventually I'll forget you ever existed. One think that I hope was not lost in the awkwardness of our separation, was the irony of the whole thing, I mean really it's not every day you see a Canadian trying to separate from something from Quebec.

Oils well that ends well

I realize that the pun in the title is a relic, a dinosaur best left unused but hey I've always thought it was pretty slick. This past few weeks we've all learned that what oil and water do, in fact, mix and that the results equal catastrophe. I haven't been keeping track of the oil spill much, as media coverage of any big event tends to frustrate me, but as usual I have pieced things together from the little snippets that I have heard. When I first heard of the BP oil spill, I thought to myself, really, when did Boston Pizza get it's own oil tanker? and why would they even need an oil tanker? of course that could explain their high prices. I don't really know much about oil, I know my province has lots of it( and you can't have it, get your own) I know it's a substance used in cooking and can be found in the hair of most Italian men. I know oil can be crude, often leering at you and making crass comments, and it's the reason that the Clampetts loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills that is, but that's the extent of my knowledge.

As with most disasters, the first people to reach out are the unsung heroes of our society, celebrities, and in this case also Kevin Costner. Apparently Costner and his company have a machine that can be used to separate oil from water, at first I thought it was some kind of super duper filter but apparently what it is is actually a dvd player and a giant television, which Costner's company will use to play WaterWorld on a continuous loop, hey it kept people away from theatres, it just might make the oil do a quick 360 and head back home. I think James Cameron has even voiced an opinion on how to clean up the oil, come on James, it took you twelve years to make Avatar, we don't have that kind of time, fish are dying here.

Everyone appears to be pointing fingers as to whose at fault, to the point where Barack Obama has gone all hood, wondering who should be the recipient of some NWA style violence, but you know who I blame? I blame Al Gore, that's right Al Gore. You might say, your an idiot, he's a huge enviromentalist, and then I after I was done sobbing over being called an idiot I would say well yeah, he's not paying much attention these days is he, he's too busy selfishly dealing with his divorce to pay attention, and with Captain Planet retired, and battling cancer(ironically he was a huge chain smoker) there is nobody left to watch over the environment and things have gone to pieces.

There is still a silver lining in all of this though, all those years George W. Bush tried to get oil from other countries, and now he didn't have to do anything, and it's coming to him, so congratulations on that I guess. Of course, the oil is swallowing up seafood like a fat person's convention at a seafood buffet but hey if they can scrape it off the top maybe they can save some barrels and oil won't rise to a ghastly price. The BP company is doing what they can to make sure the clean-up goes smoothly. By clean-up I of course mean their public image, as it appears they have spent millions of dollars trying to right their image, even buying the phrase "oil spill" from Google so that when you type it in the search engine, it will take you directly to their website about all the measures they are doing to clean up their mess. I was amazed when I read this, I mean Google is selling phrases now, Wheel of Fortune only lets you buy vowels, up yours Pat Sajack, looks like your going down harder then Gary Coleman at the hands of the ruthless Google monster.

For more information on oil, I suggest you find the episode of Saved by the Bell where they strike oil on the football field, it's quite moving and educational. You can also check out the band Midnight Oil, they might not educate you on oil spills, but if you ever want to know how to sleep when your bed is burning, they have the answer.

Ain't Life Punny

I remember a time, back in high school when I got into trouble in geometry class, I was frustrated with the material and I lashed out at the teacher, she sent me to detention for going off on a tangent. I didn't think I was a bad math student, turns out I just couldn't see the sines.

I remember a brief period of time when I wanted to be a police officer, I even went to the police academy, they partnered me up with a guy who had severe epileptic attacks, one day in training we were a bit overzealous and went a bit too far on a routine traffic check, we were kicked out for performing an illegal search and seizure.

I remember one of my first girlfriends, she was a bit intimidating because she was a spy, ultimately the relationship ended because she was always bugging me.

I remember one time I had just gotten out of the shower, and discovered there were no clean towels, scrambling I reached for some paper towel, as I was drying my face somebody started shooting at me. When I asked why he was attacking me, he said it was because there was a Bounty on my head.

I remember one time I wanted to be a doctor, I gave up that dream because I didn't have the patience.

I remember one time I was hanging out with a group of friends, I was eating a bag of chips, and despite the large target I ended up missing my mouth. Suddenly I became even more sarcastic and sharp-tongued, all my friends decided to leave, and when I asked why they told me it was because I had a chip on my shoulder.

I remember when my dad broke his leg and had to use crutches, I love spending time with dad, but it was hard to walk places with him then because they were always holding him up.

If your shaking your head and groaning right now then I've done my job, yes I know, if I were a horse they'd have to put me down, because I'm quite lame.

It's no fun being an illegal alien

I haven't been around much lately, in my time away I've learned a very valuable lesson, hockey players don't like to be antagonized and Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby WILL call the the cops on you if you endlessly call them to gloat about Montreal beating them, geez, what a bunch of sore losers. In reality, not much has been happening in my world these days, the other day I went to the mall and saw The Losers, and seeing all those people in the mall gave me an idea to go see the movie of the same name, which was an enjoyable flick for a mindless action movie. Speaking of mindless, Arizona has been in the news lately, at first I thought it was because all the other states had been talked about, and Arizona was the only one left, but then I read what it was about and I was left scratching my head. It appears that in July a law will commence that states that all immigrants will have to have papers saying they are legal citizens, and if they can't prove it, they could be fined or eventually charged with a misdemeanor. It's like Moe the Bartender said "Immigrants, even when it was the bears, I knew it was the immigrants."

The law apparently also gives police the right to try and distinguish the person's race or heritage(I can't remember which, both are equally asinine) on the spot, hmmm I enjoy guessing games, can I play? let's see there Juan, your name is Sanchez is it, I don't think your of American heritage at all, what's that you say? you've got papers? sounds like drug paraphernalia to me, get in the car.....man I could totally be a cop. I don't think there is cause for any immediate concern, I mean I don't think they are gonna ship anyone off, because really they have been trying to get rid of the Coyotes for about two years, and they still play in Phoenix, of course they are all white, now the Suns, the Suns could be in trouble. I can see it now, ladies and gentlemen introducing your Phoenix Suns starting five............at center Steve Nash, at point guard Steve Nash, at small Forward Steve Nash......and well I forget the rest of the positions, I don't watch much basketball, all I really know about it is you shoot the ball at the little hole and if you do it well enough you get your sneaker.

A lot of people seem to be up in arms over the whole law, the general manager of the Yankees say they will not send anybody to the All Star Game to be held in Arizona because of the law. They are not just boycotting because of moral reasons, have you seen the Yankees team, half of Cuba has defected to them, they wouldn't be allowed in the state to begin with. I think even Tiger Woods said he would not play any tournaments held in Arizona, you know it's bad when Tiger won't play, cause apparently he can't keep himself out of anything, so to be rejected by Tiger, that's gotta hurt. I can kind of see where the Arizona government is coming from, I mean i have seen District 9, I know it's gotta be hard for people and aliens to co-exist, and V has taught me another thing, these aliens are not to be trusted and their leader is unspeakably hot, I mean not hot enough to make me watch after Lost is over, but that's just cause the writing is shotty at best.

I do also feel kind of bad for the immigrants as well. They only come to America and Canada looking for a better opportunity, to leave a world where all they know is war, okay if your from Iraq it's probably because America is attacking you, but now they find out they are to be subject to a fine if they can't prove they belong there like everyone else. How does that saying go? give me your poor, your tired, and your huddled masses, and then put them single file to fill out the proper paperwork to make sure they can be a legal citizen, man that's a long saying, no wonder they only focus on the first three. I figure some people don't like the fact that people come from other countries and take what little jobs are probably available, and they may be bitter at losing a job to a person of Mexican descent, cause really ya don't have to hate the whole country, it only takes Juan.

I believe I can Fry(A song for Colin)

Hey everyone, recently at work we received news that our beliked Colin would be leaving us to go back to his native planet of Winnipeg. Colin is a good chap so at first I was saddened, then I was hungry, then I was full, then I had to use the bathroom, then I was full of acceptance, he is only trying to better himself, and with no one else willing to take him he had to go back to Winnipeg. When Colin leaves I don't know what I'll do, who I will endlessly pick on, in the words of Dr. Evil, I'll probably move on, get a new fry guy, but there will be a ten minute period where I would be inconsolable. I will have many memories of insulting Colin, from calling him by his given nickname Colon, to the jokes about his freakish mutant height, and even the constant barbs about nailing his imaginary Jewish sister, there were many good times, so I figure I at least owe him a tribute, and in song form, so without further adieu, set to R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly, it's Colin's song I Believe I Can Fry:

I never knew when I had to come on
But when I did, the fries are what I done
I know the fries are what the people love
But I keep hitting my heads off the hoods

If the plate I can see, then I can fry it
For $1.99 extra, I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So tall that I'm the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
I'll sauce these wings and fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

The fryer's on the verge of breaking down
And the hoods are so very loud
When they want a garlic loaf with cheese
You know that's when they always come to me

If the plate I can see it, then I can fry it
for $1.99 extra, then I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings then fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Wait Staff calling out to me, oh

If the plate I can see it, then i can fry it
For $1.99 extra I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings and fry away
Now the Fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Hey, I'll just sauce these wings
I can fry
I can fry, hey
What sauce are these wings?
I can fry
I can fry-eye-eye

Well that's it, sorry there's so much repetition but that's how R. Kelly wrote his song, he didn't have time to waste, there were people to pee on. So Colin, ya big knucklehead, I hope you enjoy it back home, tell your sister I said shalom, and enjoy your new job opening doors for the Adams Family.

The Rise of Francisco Martinez

As part of my recent hermit lifestyle I've been firing up the old PS3 a lot, with the game of choice being MLB 10: The Show. I rather enjoy the mode called Road to the Show where you create a character, you start off in the minors and you work your way to the big leagues, so this is what I've been doing. I of course made myself, was drafted by the Blue Jays, which was awesome cause they are my favorite team, and they can't afford any big name players so I thought I'd have a good chance at making the club in a couple of years. However, things did not work out as planned, and much like the fans of the Blue Jays this year, I never made to the Roger's Center to even watch a game, I actually started going backwards. So with frustration setting in, I hung up my cleats and rode off into the sunset, only making it as far as the AAA affiliate Las Vegas, but I was comforted by the fact that my created self took time to enjoy the much gambling and female escorts that Vegas has to offer.

As one career ends another has began, I introduce to you Francisco Martinez, my new player, I decided to make him part African American, part Latin American so there is no way he can fail at baseball, he's tall, he's fast, he's 18, he's everything Ricky Martin has ever sung about. Now since you people who read my blog know I can't do anything normally, I have also given Francisco a back story, so join me as I recant a tale of struggle and hardship, determination, and the innocence of a kid who just wants to play baseball.

Francisco Martinez grew up in the small village of No Existo, in the Latin American region of Hizo. It was a poor village where the chickens out numbered the villagers, and therefore were in charge. Surrounded by his family, parents Eleanora and Roberto, and his siblings Roberto Jr. Bill and Kelly, Francisco had a good childhood, and his family was close, he remembers how every Saturday night he would hop on his bicycle, which was attached to the only radio the family had, and he would pedal for hours and hours as his family sang and danced to the music that played. While riding his bike Francisco dreamed of bigger things, seeing new worlds, new places where chickens weren't in control, but these dreams faded when he realized how hard it would be to make it, and his legs started to cramp up.

.......And then for a long time nothing happened

In his teen years Francisco discovered baseball, and also discovered that he had a natural talent for it, but something was holding him back, he had a defect......I'm sorry he had TO defect, he knew he must travel to America if he wanted his skills to flourish, so that is what he did. He said good bye to his family and the chickens and began his swim to a new life. Now the swim to America gets a bit weird, it involves a dolphin, and a huge tidal wave, and the volleyball from Cast Away, I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you so I'll just skip ahead. After years of hard work putting himself through school, his big day came, Francisco got the call, he had been drafted by the Kansas City Royals, and still not knowing much about team rankings, he was very excited by this.

Francisco is currently playing for the Kansas City double A team, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals, I caught up with him recently to find out how things were going, and to say this kid's future is bright is an understatement. I asked him how he likes living in Arkansas and he couldn't say enough nice things about the people there. "You know, the people here, they have been great to me, they are always there to help me train, when I go to run they chase me in large groups to make me run even faster, they light big crosses on my lawn because they know it gets dark and I will have trouble to see at night. The biggest support I think they give me is when they show up at the ballpark and yell words of encouragement like GO HOME, like they want me to score, or YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, just knowing that they think I deserve to be in the majors at my young age keeps me going. I went on to ask Francisco if the American food is any different from his home town. "You know, the food here is much different, but I cannot enjoy it as much as the coach keeps me on a strict diet, and the people here, they help me with that too, sometimes when I want one of your hamburgers and I go to a restaurant, the people here tell me I'm not allowed in, they know I'm not allowed to eat it, and they just want what's best for me, I"m so blessed to be here."

Francisco just got finished a 28 game hitting streak, and is adapting well to his new club, but there is still a lot to learn, when asked if he had gotten any help from any veterans, he was very respectful of them. "You know they have taught me so much, and they want to help so bad, just the other day I met a man, Mr. Bonds his name was, and he gave me these pills, he told me that it would help me to hit the ball far, and if I wanted to be a legend in the sport I should take them. You know he was so nice and how you say selfless, I kept saying thank you Mr. Bonds, thank you, but he yelled at me and told me that if anyone asked where I got them to say it was Roger Clemens." Francisco knows he has a long road to go to make it to the Royals, but he dreams of his family watching him play in the big leagues, he is young, he knows there are many ups and downs ahead, but when he struggles he just remembers the word that the mystical dolphin told him on that fateful day, just when he thought he couldn't swim any more, the dolphin came up next to him, looked him in the eye and said ARRIBA, which of course as the great Bobby Heenan translated, means......swim faster the border guards are coming.

Weather you like it or not

I've often heard it said that Newfoundland is God's country; however, these past few days someone must have upset him pretty bad cause he has not been liking us too much. First he unleashes a swarm of locusts on the city of St. Johns in the Canadian music industry, I mean K'naan, seriously, Canadian rap music begins and ends with Maestro Fresh Wes, there's no room for anyone else. Secondly, and what I really want to talk about is this weather we've been having, after teasing us with Mr. golden sun for most of March, Mother Nature has done something that not even the diabolical Mr. Burns could do, and block out the sun. Now I would never hurt a woman(except that one time I made my friend and co-worker bleed with a can of whip cream but she sabotaged my tea so she knew what the consequences would be) but these past few days have made me want to march up to Mother Nature and punch her right in the baby-maker.

Ever since Friday(maybe longer, all days are the same for me) we have had a mix of rain, fog, more rain, possible volcanic ash(ashed rain?) thicker fog, and for a brief time today snow. We've had so much rain these past couple of days that I have started working on an ark, progress is slow so far but I'm eating as many Popsicles as I can in order to get all the wood I need, work has been delayed several times by both procrastination and severe ice cream headaches. I've recruited some good help in the ark building process but if anyone else would like to help when we take off I will have two of every dessert on board. As the line in the movie The Crow goes "It can't rain all the time" and this is true, every now and then it turns into a dense layer of fog, although yesterday was 4/20 so maybe it wasn't fog at all, I was awful hungry after being outside for a few minutes. All this fog reminds me of that movie, you know the one with the bad twist at the end, you know that one.......The Village, they both make me upset, and I don't really want to see either again.

But wait, we didn't just get rain or fog, apparently we may have gotten some of Iceland's volcanic as as well. Wasn't it bad enough that you turned Europe into your own personal ash tray? now you have to force us to second hand smoke the equivalent of fifty packs a day(that number is based on estimations purely in my head). Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't there a ban on public smoking, in this province anyway, I think we should levy a fine on this Icelandic Volcano, I'd like to see it go against Danny Williams, wouldn't even be a fair fight, I mean one is an ever erupting mass of hot air, which spews venom towards whatever is against it, and the other is just a stupid hill that spits out molten lava every few decades or so.

At least the rain let up a little today, just enough to give us some snow, do you know what I don't need to see in April, snow. Though I can't really complain about this winter cause we had less snow then usual, and even today the snow only lasted for a few minutes, but winter is over, snow you had your chance to shine, you didn't live up to expectations, so limp out of the way and let the sun have his chance to shine. While I'm on the topic of snow, I find it funny that despite all this rain we are having, there are still some snowbanks left. What are you trying to prove snowbanks, all your friends are gone, go with them, nobody wants to see you anymore, I mean look at you, all dirty, covered in filth, the city has homeless people for that, we don't need you anymore. Sure you were fun once, to climb, and hide behind as I threw snowballs at unsuspecting kids but it's time you moved on.

Recently I discovered this fad called jogging(could be a silent J), apparently you just run, for an extended period of time, and I have set a goal for myself that as part of the weight loss I would jog around the lake by the end of the summer. Well folks if this rain doesn't stop I could reach this goal without even leaving my driveway, it's starting to look like New Orleans post Katrina out there, soaking wet, and Bush wants nothing to do with us. So until the weather clears up I will sit indoors and wait it out, and when I hear the weatherman say sun is coming, I will be as happy about a forecast as when Ricky Martin first found out it was going to be raining men.

Thats news to me

Well overall life is pretty boring these days, I get up, I go to work, I come home, rather, rinse, repeat. Well Thursday was pretty good, morning started off the way mornings should, by running around in the woods shooting people with paint. Paintball is a great sport, it was created for people with a lack of compassion, mercy, and remorselessness such as myself. It got off to a rocky start, as we had a sudden spurt of snow and our balls started to freeze(teeheheheee) which jammed up the guns of some of the guys. As paintball came and went, and plans for more paintball arose, I went back to the mediocrity that is my life, and I decided to see what was going on in the rest of the world. As usual the world continues to be filled with crazy events, and without further ado lets look at some of things going on that are news to me.

It appears that a volcano in Iceland has turned Great Britain and other parts of Europe into the equivalent of a smokey bingo hall, hmmmm wait that reference doesn't fit anymore due to smoking laws, let's tray again. Let's just say that Europe now looks like some of my co-workers cars after a shift. I can honestly say that I don't know much about Iceland, the only thing I know for sure is that I used to hate that level in Super Mario 3, honestly how the hell can you jump off a slippery surface, still beat the game though, take that Bowser. I find it weird and fascinating that a place named Iceland has a volcano, would kinda be like if there was a place named Lava Land that had a skating rink, okay it's nothing like that, or a place in the distant future named WaterWorld that people actually wanted to see. Because of the huge ash clouds, many flights in Europe have been grounded for days, which would have been helpful to the people of Poland if it had to happen a couple of weeks ago, and has also caused Iceland to change it's national slogan to Iceland: If you don't like us you can kiss our ash.

In a story that shows how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, police in Wilkinsburg Pennsylvania say that an eight year old boy distributed heroin to his third grade classmates. I remember being in third grade and being scolded for having junk food, how times have changed. Police said empty bags were found in the trash, but there was no evidence the drugs were used, although when asked about it the students responded by staring at the ceiling and saying that the officers skin was sooooo soft. Can you imagine the stones on the guy that is giving the heroin to the kid to pass out, I mean I know a lot of drug dealers try to hook kids early but why go for the Backyardigans demographic. When I was in third grade the only thing I overdosed on were fun dips, Mom and Dad thought it was cute until I started selling our appliances to get more, thankfully they found help for me and I am still fully recovered.......hmmmm how much can I get for my dvd player i wonder?

On the local front, Canada's version of the Grammy's, the Juno's, are about to start any minute here in St. John's. I haven't kept up on Canadian music very much in these past years but I assume Bryan Adams is still in the running for entertainer of the year, and that Glass Tiger is a shoe in for Group of the Year. The weather has not co-operated much this weekend as a lot of performers were stranded in Halifax by our own personal ash cloud, or as we call it...fog. Fortunately for organizers I believe every one made it, and festivities are going on as planned, for no matter what, nothing takes away a Newfoundlander's ability to party. I hear April Wine is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, good for them, rumors that it was supposed be Rita McNeil's year but there just wasn't enough room for her are unsubstantiated. The big selling point of the Juno's at my work seems to be the arrival of young Justin Bieber, and it's kinda weird to hear them say how hot he is, the kid is like twelve, and yet I make one comment about Miley Cyrus and chloroform and I'm the creepy one, go figure. I can't make predictions cause I don't know who's up for anything but if I had to make one I guess that somebody buys alcohol and the show gets shut down cause Justin Bieber is a minor, causing his popularity to plummet like a Polish president.

Well that's some of the stuff I read this week, again the world is a crazy place, oh and Larry King got divorced again, who the hell keeps marrying this guy, or should I ask how the hell is this guy alive, he's like two hundred years old, I believe he's actually held together by those suspenders, and the weird thing is I bet he gets married again, I can't get a date at an all girls school and Larry freakin King gets married seven times, the world I growed up in is gone.

And that's news to me

What the Duck?

Anyone remember the episode of Seinfeld where George repeatedly runs into trouble with pigeons and repeatedly states they had a deal with those pigeons? The deal was basically that they stay out of our way and we stay out of theirs, such as them not flying directly in front of cars, causing drivers to swerve, and in the case of George to injure a nearby squirrel. Until this morning I thought this deal applied to ducks as well, but then something happened, something that has turned my world upside down, and has thrown this deal out the window. I woke up early this morning to the sun shining brightly, and I had promised myself last night that if this was the cause I was gonna take advantage, get up early and walk around he lake, and in a rare cause of follow through on my part that's exactly what I did.

So with the ipod fired up and and after the apologies to my legs for having to be used so much at this early hour I set off. I left the apartment and about a half hour later I was at the lake, I was having an enjoyable walk, my head down as usual, music blasting so as I didn't have to hear the inane chatter of others when all of it sudden it hit me, well it almost hit me, a speeding duck, undaunted I continued on, when out of nowhere a second one of these seemingly ninja ducks came flying at me, just missing me and heading into the lake. As mentioned earlier, doesn't the deal apply to ducks as well? I've always been respectful of the duck, sitting majestically by the pond or on the water, always considered them a graceful flier, and while I have never donated to Ducks Unlimited I have never turned off their commercials, as I always learned a lot. However what I learned today was just how stealthy and uncaring these creatures are, sure I was in their flight path, but don't pedestrians have the right of way, they could have stopped and waited, I am a fast walker. Apparently these ducks don't feel this way and didn't care much for me walking through their turf, I still honestly don't know where they came from, I swear I did not see.......wait for it........eider of them.

The rest of the walk was peaceful and uneventful, however I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of all the other ducks that I encountered. It's kinda like seeing a person of Arab descent at an airport, ninety-five percent of the time you know they are harmless but then you get a couple who have no problem flying into something and then you don't know which ones to trust. I'm sorry to the rest of the ducks that will have to pay the consequences for the actions of these two particular ducks, but much like George Costanza said at the end of that Seinfeld episode, from now on we have no deal. So ducks if it's a war you want, much like you I'm down, and you will rue the day you ever almost flew into me.................go ahead start ruing.

So bring your ninja ducks, bring your kamikaze ducks, your ugly ducklings, hell you can even bring those pigeons who sit in with your group attempting to be ducks, I will take on them all. While I thought this day would never come I have prepared for it, my brothers and I played Duck Hunt on Nintendo for hours, and I've also got a combination that you should be most scared of, an itchy trigger finger and a love for roast duck(okay I've never had roast duck, that was just for mind games but I assume it's delicious). I will tear through you all like an enraaaaaaaged mooooooose until I get to your leader, Emilio Estevez, I've seen the movies, I know he controls the ducks, I just have to find him, I know WHERE he is, but it's hard to find obscurity on a map. You wanna sneak up on me, it's gonna be you who will be caught with your pants down(all except Donald and how did he never get arrested for indecent exposure), you don't wanna mess with me for I am truly one bad mother ducker. I may not come back from this battle, or I may have a lot more pillows, but I can use all the help I can get, so readers, who's with me?

Send out the clowns

In my opinion one of he deadliest combinations in the world is a group of people with an opinion and too much time on their hands. Recently it appears that a group of pitchfork wielding plebians have come together to denounce iconic McDonald's pitchman Ronald McDonald. The group, known as Retire Ronald, says that Ronald is a main reason for childhood obesity, as apparently besides his historic commercials, he often snuck into houses, tied up the parents, and crammed his delicious burgers down the throats of kids. Could this be a bad sign for Ronald? I mean the last time the American people felt this way about a clown, George Bush's opinion poll ratings went into the toilet. It hasn't gotten that bad for the iconic clown yet though, as around sixty-five percent of all Americans say they still have a favorable view of him, George Bush could have found Bin Laden by himself and paraded him through New York and still wouldn't have gotten that rating.

Despite the favorable rating, there are still around fifty-two percent of Americans who believe that cartoonish spokespeople should not be used, meanwhile Vince Schlomi, the Shamwow guy is still allowed on television. The founder of the campaign behind Retire Ronald, Stacy Folsom, said in a statement that "No corporation has done more to hook kids on unhealthy food, influencing brand loyalties and eating habits that can last a lifetime." Apparently this woman has been busy all her life and has never seen a cereal commercial , or that there is an outside world, a world where kids can run and play, work off the food that this devilish clown pumps out into the world. This woman and her group truly has her work cut out for her, because if she succeeds, McDonald's restaurants are everywhere, it's been inside of more people then Tiger Woods, so you can take the clown from the restaurant, but you can't take the food from the people, until about ten minutes or so after you eat it.

Hey, I'm not saying the clown is perfect, sure he tempts us with delicious food and and so much grease, but think of all the good he's done. As the article states he is the spokesperson behind Ronald McDonald house, a worthy charity, he is the face of awareness for literacy and physical education, and hey in most every commercial he often fended off the threats of the nefarious Hamburgler (okay I added the last one). I tried to get a word from the legendary clown but all I got was a grimace, and who the hell can understand what that big purple simpleton is saying. Obviously there are no plans to take Ronald McDonald out behind the shed and shoot him, as replacing him would no doubt cost millions, and besides I'm sure he has some powerful friends, Mayor McCheese anyone.

Personally I think this campaign to oust Ronald stems from the irrational fear of clowns that most people have. It's either that or a conspiracy started by none other then the sinister Burger King, you people think clowns are creepy, believe me, Stephen King's It could have been about the Burger King and it still would have been just as creepy. Back to the fear of clowns for a second, to all those people who are afraid, picture this, what if Ronald McDonald is in fact evil, what if he has a vindictive side, for if he does all the people who call for him to be put out to pasture should watch their backs.

Don't sleep.....................or the clown will eat you.

How I think Lost will end

Hi again everyone, hope everybody is having a Good Friday, since everyone was eating fish today work was not that busy, I guess everyone came in last night because Holy Thursday Batman was it ever busy. Anywho, now that the Easter related puns are out of the way we are soon approaching a sad time in television as not just one, but two of my favorite shows are coming to an end. Last week it was confirmed that this is the last season of 24, as Jack Baur has now killed everyone and there is no one left, also something all fans knew, was that this is the last season of Lost, and with only six or so episodes left, there is rampant speculation over how the show will end. Everyone has theories, everyone has opinions, and everyone has opinions on the theories, for the most part I've kept quiet, just enjoying the ride of the last season, but with the end near here are some theories on how I think they will end the show.

Everyone knows there is a big battle coming, the teams have already been decided, but I don't think it's as simple as two teams fighting. No one really knows for certain what Charles Widmore is up to but I think I have an idea. We have Jacob, the man in white, we have Smokey, the man in Black, so I think Widmore will show his true colors, in one of the final scenes he will come out with a random unexplained monkey, and be dressed in yellow. It will be discovered that the monkey is actually Curious George(and if he expects any answers to his questions he better remember that this is Lost, and that's not happening) setting up an epic battle between Jacob, the Man in Black, and the Man in the Yellow Hat. The show will end with all three fighting, and then do the famous Lost swoosh with no decisive winner, to see how the show ends all Lost fans who haven't committed suicide or tried to murder the writers will have to wait for the new Curious George book, Curious George gets Lost, to hit bookshelves later this year.

Perhaps this idea is a little out there and the writers chose to go in a different direction, perhaps they take the sad route and the Losties discover that there is no way for them to get home, and they are stuck there forever. With fear of never being rescued(again anyway) setting in Hurley snaps and starts to eat them all, he starts with Jin, but since it's Asian food he's only hungry again in a half an hour anyway. Flash ahead a little bit as we see Hurley sitting on the beach gnawing on one of Jack's legs, when all of a sudden he sees a mysterious ship. In the last scene we see Hurley heading home, patting his stomach saying "Well at least i got to take all you guys with me" then his stomach rumbles and he runs to the bathroom saying *well I guess not all of you." On a serious note, a most likely stupid theory I hold out for is that they go the sixth sense route, I mean we know Hurley can talk to dead people so what if all the original group died and Hurley survived and he's the only one who can see them, there's no way this is gonna happen of course, cause I've seen the people who comment about Lost on the internet, it would cause more of a riot then when all those cops where trying to get those ants of Rodney King.

The final and most logical theory I have of how Lost will end...............with the credits of course. I, like all of the Lost fans am on the edge of my seat wondering how the writers will tie all this together, they've never disappointed me with a season finale before so I am confident I will enjoy the ending, unless they use Journey's Don't Stop Believin for the final scene and the screen goes blank before the big reveal, others might think your a genius David Chase, but I needed closure on the Sopranos anecdote. You left me to make up my own conclusion, do you have any idea what I'm capable of coming up with, I was months thinking Tony Soprano got killed in a epic battle with Grimace from the Mcdonalds commercial and some random mime, please Lost writers don't make me think this happens to Jack.

Jesus vs The Easter Bunny: The Battle for Easter Supremacy

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This coming weekend brings to us Easter, and much like Christmas the real reason behind Easter often gets overshadowed by marketing and delicious chocolate. Now I'm hardly the most religious person in the world, I haven't read the bible since I was in school and teachers tried to beat me over the head with it, and I mean that literally, some teachers tried to use it as a club. A more blasphemous person, who is definitely not me, would say that Easter is a time when Jesus went out and got hammered, slept it off for a couple of days, and came back stronger then ever on Sunday. However, the man did what many say they would do, but most likely wouldn't do and he died for something he believed in, but it seems these days that fact is negated by the dark cloud that hangs over Easter, the fuzzy menace that is the Easter Bunny.

I've often wondered who would win a fight between Jesus and the Easter Bunny. Of course me being a huge wrestling fan often pictures the promos leading up to this fight to be nothing short of epic, and I think they would sound something like this:

Interviewer: Well Jesus, we are just minutes away from your match with the Easter Bunny, what are your thoughts.

Jesus: You know these past weeks I've heard the comments from the fans out there, I hear what they are saying, Jesus Christ, Superstar, do you think you're what they say you are? Well tonight Easter Bunny I'm going to prove to you and the millions...........................and millions of my followers out there that I am who I say I am. You go around, Easter Bunny, laying chocolate eggs of deceit, and I have to ask, what do eggs have to do with Easter anyway, chickens lay eggs, I KNOW, my father created them for heaven's sakes. I've heard the Easter Bunny say I'm gonna need a miracle tonight, well that won't be necessary..... *holds up an object* I've got my lucky rabbit's foot*walks away*

Interviewer: Well there you have, strong words from Jesus, now lets go to my colleague to hear from the Easter Bunny.

Interviewer 2: Easter Bunny what are your thoughts on the comments from Jesus?

The Easter Bunny: Ya know I'm sick and tired of everybody talking about that guy, I mean the way they talk about him you'd swear he walked on water or somethin..........

Interviewer 2: ummmm he did.....

The Easter Bunny: SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK......Jesus you sit there and you preach about your psalms and your bible passages, well Bunny 3:16 says I'M GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT. Have you ever seen Night of the Lepus Jesus? do you have any ideas of the evil that my species is capable of? I swear you can run but you can't hide, and I when I find you in that ring Jesus the results are gonna be the same as the last time your enemies found you. In just mere moments Jesus when I hop down that bunnytrail and I hit you with my rabbit punches not even your father will be able to help you. You say you have a lucky rabbit's foot, bring it, and bring all the miracles you can because tonight victory is gonna be just like all the chocolate I bring to people......sweet.

After these promos I picture a struggle of titanic proportions, featuring much bloodshed, weapons galore and Jesus eventually pulling a victory by a..............wait for it..........hare. So for the younger generation who might not know the real story of Easter and are just excited about the chocolate and gifts(when did gift giving become part of Easter anyway) and the torturous Easter Egg hunts, I say go and learn, it's a pretty cool story. If your like me and want to skip the bible route(talk about a preachy book) go and watch Jesus Christ Superstar, it has awesome guitar and you almost see boobs. Now if you'll excuse me it's time to locate some food *looks around* hey, a rice crispy Jesus, man I love Easter.

Everyone say hi to my new bundle of joy

She was brought into my world yesterday, and I must say she is stunning. No, I'm not talking about a baby, the world is not ready for me to be a parent, I of course am talking about my brand new computer. The old computer, while doing mostly fine the last few days, was still suffering from the virus that overtook it, and while I could have gotten my sidekick the bearded one to look at it, lord knows I don't work that way, and enjoy wasting my money. So after shutting off the old computer for the last time it was off to Futureshop, I'm always amazed by the technology they have there, especially the technology that enables the staff to disappear whenever you need help. I found a computer that caught my eye, the shiny sparking HP Athlon II, it's much faster then I need, has much more space then I could ever use, which I assume means the hamster inside will have to run twice as hard to keep it powered.

With the computer picked out I brought it up to the desk to pay for it. While I like to think I'm a pretty strong guy, computers are heavy and they tend to get heavier when the cashier tends to ramble on to the customer ahead of me, and also proceeds to clumsily put his computer tower into a bag. Finally I was able to lay the computer down and pay for it, but not until I had to face an intense sales pitch about the Futureshop long term warranty. I felt I had spent enough on the computer so I didn't really want to get the warranty at that moment, so I asked if i could get it later, this seemed to anger the all too lonely woman behind the cash. Perhaps it reminded of her of all the guys who said they would call later but never did, perhaps she was upset cause she wouldn't get the commission, or that she didn't make the sale, cause boy she really wanted that sale. She kind of looked like the real estate agent Connie on the Simpsons, I kept expecting her to scream at her co-workers to "STAY OFF THE UPPER WEST SIDE."

With the computer now mine, we brought it home to set it up, and begin my new era of computating. Set up was a breeze, the bearded one just hooked up this thing into the other thing, and said the magic words, and I was ready to cruise down the internet highway once again. It was a little bit later I became worried as terrible sounds started coming from my computer, I breathed a sigh of relief as I discovered it was not the computer, but I was watching the video of American Idol from the night before. I don't want to say this year's contestants are weak but really if anybody unless that Crystal girl wins, we are gonna have another Taylor Hicks on our hands. Does anyone know what ever happened to him? I heard a rumor that he was eaten by Ruben Studdard, can anybody back that up?

Overall I'm very satisfied with my new computer, and Windows 7 (Revenge of the Gates!) seems pretty easy to use. I tried to claim it was my idea but two Microsoft flunkies beat the crap out of me, but they can't take the computer, I already peed on it to mark my territory so no one wants to go near it. I look forward to many years of virus free surfing, it comes with Norton(HEY NORRRTON) 2010 so I'm covered for a while anyway, it's powerful too, it even prevents against polio, that's right not even those guys on the horses with the clubs can't even hurt it. To my old computer I say that we had some good memories together, and while your going to have to go the way of Old Yeller it's nothing personal. It's just that your time was up, you were a shell of your former self, and I had to find something faster, and sleeker, and younger......hey I feel just like Jesse James when he confessed to Sandra Bullock.

All you ever do is bring me down

I remember the first time I saw you, I had heard about you for some time, seen you around, but I never made a move, despite all my friends saying I should give you a try. After much debate on my part I decided to make a move, and it was then our relationship got started, and while it had much fun times, you have caused me a lot of stress over the years. I was there with you from the beginning, I was there by your side through all your family problems, the grief it caused, and the downward spiral it led you on, destroying your soul and all those around you. I watched and helped you fight all the demons that came down on you, as you were tormented, so was I, but still you cause me such grief, but why?

I know it's hard for you to make anyone happy, I've watched you go through hell and back to get yourself on the right path again. I've watched you claw and fight tooth and nail, and do things that denied the realm of possibility, and I like to think that I helped you along the way, but still you make me wanna tear what little hair I have left out of my head. I thought we had closure the first time it ended between us, we had gone as far as we could go, and there was nothing further for us to do together, it was hard, it was a sad time but eventually I moved on. As days drifted into weeks and weeks into months I found others that I enjoyed, but there was still a longing for you, and some weeks later you were back in my life. Destiny is a weird thing, and as fate would have it I was introduced to you again by a co-worker, and it just felt right, we picked up exactly where we left off.

Then the honeymoon ended, and it was like old times again, you still had those issues with your dad, and once again as you struggled with him, so did I. As hard as it was I like to think that we made more progress on our second try, we were like one you and I, as you fought the skeletons in your closet, so did I, as you fought the monsters that tormented your soul, so did I. We were so close to getting you better, we were winning, and then all of a sudden of it stopped, you were climbing that mountain, you were on your way to redemption, and all of a sudden you just stopped, and it frustrated me, made me mad and I didn't want to see you anymore, can you blame me? we were so close.

That was a couple of years ago, I had never forgotten you, you were always in the back of my mind, I even talked about you with friends every now and then, but I didn't think I would ever see you again. That is until last week, last week I saw you again, and all the feelings and memories of good times came rushing back and I knew I must try you again, I had to put a rest to all of our unfinished business. It was a few days after you came back into my life that I got to experience you again and it was like old times, we were in sync like we always were, but with the good came the bad, all those feelings of rage, and frustration building up inside me again.

I don't know, I keep giving you chances, and you keep driving me insane. I mean all I wanna do is help you Kratos to fulfill your destiny of killing Zeus and destroying Mt. Olympus. Why then God of War III makers did you have to make this so hard for me? do you enjoy my pain and suffering?........What? Why are you looking at me like that? What did you think I was talking about?

Random Stuff

No matter where I go, or who I talk too, they always ask me the same question, and my answer is always the same, no I can't change my face, I was born like this, now go suck a lemon, yes ocassionally I like to talk like a 1940's gang member. Actually they ask me how I come up with the stuff that I come up, and I like to think it's because the world in my head is a lot more interesting then my actual life. Overall I'm a pretty boring person, I get up, I go to work, I chase kids away from my house with a stick, you know the normal things, and other then that not much happens in my life to discuss. Every so often my mental system shuts down and I have trouble putting anything on here, so today I'm just gonna discuss some recent activities that have gone on around me.

This past week has been an enjoyable one as my dad is gracing me with his presence. Triva: did you know there are at least 28,000 curse words in the English language? Well apparently there are and this week I've heard them all. Watching my dad and his dog interact would make a hell of a sitcom as the comedy is endless. It has been said, and I think I've said it on here before that my dad could curse for a half hour without repeating himself but don't be fooled, unlike the visitors on the ABC show V, my dad really is of peace, always. I don't get to spend much time with him anymore so having him here has been a nice treat. With dad comes his dog Tocc, our lovable irish setter who is one of the funniest and cutest dogs I've ever seen, sure I'm not getting much sleep in the morning as she wakes me up every hour, but it's nice being woken up by a girl who won't talk back(reason 212 why I'm single).

A strange thing has happened to me recently as last week someone stole an hour from me, it was there when I went to bed but when I woke it was gone. I don't know how the time thieves got in my house but they must have drugged me as I woke up a lot more tired then usual. Reading my brother's blog made me see that it was some guy from New Zealand who stole my hour, but really why would he want it, and unlike my brother I don't care how good the Lord of the Rings movies were New Zealand can cram it with walnuts cause nobody, but nobody steals time from me and gets away with it. I feel for my family members who have kids and have a big disadvantage in the battle to get thier kids to bed on time, I was lucky, I managed to get my sleep back, I just watched CBC nightly programming, slept like a baby.

In enterainment and sports news Corey Haim was laid the rest this week in Toronto, the city has moved on and is now planning funeral services for the playoff birth of the Toronto Raptors. Tiger Woods made a statement announcing he was returning to golf in April at the Masters, he concluded his statement by asking "Where are all the white women at?" If you have been following his show on Spike tv, it appears Jesse James really is a dead man. James, knowing that he married a much better looking person then him, apologized profusely to Sandra Bullock, but when you get someone who is out of your league the first time it's hard to get them back. Look at Lance Armstrong, I bet when he saw Sheryl Crow he was like "Man I'd cut off a testicle to be with her" and he did, and he fooled it up and look where it got him; truly, the ball is still in her court.

So that's what's going on around here, Monday begins the countdown to the holiest day of the year.......Wrestlemania. What? did you think I was talking about Easter Sunday? I've seen Jesus Christ Superstar(best rock opera ever btw) so I know how that story ends, but I really can't tell who's winning between Undertaker and Shawn Micheals. Sure Easter is gonna have a good Friday, but next week is gonna be an awesome Sunday.

Walmart is Rolling Back......on African Americans

Hey Everyone, it's me again, I haven't been around lately as I've been suffering from a bit of writer's blog...ck, and also I've been broken up about the death of Cory Haim. Oh Corey, you were a beacon of light in a dark world, one that burned out too bright, you stole our hearts in such movies as the Goonies and ..........wait what, that was Corey Feldman, then who the hell was Corey Haim.....what's that you say..... License to Drive....that movie sucked, no wonder he never worked again. Well now I'm gonna have to take down my Corey Feldman shrine since I'm mistaken, then again it is a shrine to all his awesome movies so it's not taking up that much space, so I guess there's no harm done.

While surfing the fountain of information that is known as the internetz I stumbled across an article that surprised and shocked me. At at Walmart in Wasthington Township in Southern New Jersey this past Sunday, shoppers were shocked and appalled when a voice came on the speaker and said "Attention Walmart customers, all black people leave, leave the store now." What shocks me and surprises me is that I'm not really surpised that someone would do this, as yes sadly people like this do still exist. The article reports that a manager quickly jumped on the intercom to smooth out the situation, saying that all African American patrons were more then welcome to stay but asked that they moved quietly to the back of the store, ok I added that last part.

As one can imagine criticism was quick and harsh, with many shoppers voicing their displeasure that such a message should be heard, one woman a Mrs Helen Lovejoy was heard to scream "WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN." One (real) customer and her friend who were shopping at the time said they are going to boycott the store until the matter was resolved to their liking, I can't see this being a great protest as that's exactly what the voice asked them to do, but hey we can't all be Rosa Parks I guess. Personally if I was them I'd take it one step further and leave New Jersey altogether. Of course if I lived in New Jersey I'd take any excuse to get out of there. I can only assume that the African American community is up in arms over this story. Somewhere Al Sharpton had a stroke, recovered, spent hours fixing his hair, then had a stroke again. Reporters were horrifed at Oprah's reaction, as when she was approached for comment she was found eating mass quantities of food. When asked if the binge was a reaction to the story, Oprah looked puzzled and asked "what story?"

According to the article this is not the first time Walmart has suffered from racial tensions. A few years back they settled a lawsuit with a man who was upset over their hiring policies for truck drivers. When approached for comment, one of the CEO's of Walmart said the man was offered a job picking all the cotton out of the medicine capsule bottles, he also went on to say that he probably shouldn't have said that. They also got into trouble for allegedly passing over women for men in regards to raises and promotions on a number of occasions, this lawsuit was settled out of court as the women were given gift cards and shopping sprees and told how nice they looked that day, turns out all they needed was some attention.

The African American communtiy has made great strides throughout the years, but there are people in the world who are still stuck back in the old days, and sadly this is not gonna change anytime soon. Martin Luther King jr, Barack Obama, Aunt Jemima, the Cream of Wheat guy, these are just some of the many pioneers that this great community has given us. The person I feel really bad for is President Obama, the man rises up, becomes the first African American American president, then is universally criticized for his healthcare reform, and now is not even allowed in Walmart, for every step forward there is truly two steps back.

To the person to got on the speaker and gave that message I say grow up, and get with the times, it's the Muslims who are the evil ones now remember, I mean I don't think they are evil, I like the Muslim people, oh god if any American politicians are reading this I'm gonna get myself bombed. Lord knows I don't want to cause an incident between our two countries, after allwho would operate on our premier then.?

And the award goes too.......

Before I start I wanna make a correction to my last post, where I said it was a guy who made the Hurt Locker, turns out it was a woman, hmmm who knew, I guess I should've watched the movie. Women directors...what's next, giving them the right to vote(reason #97, article 2 of why I'm still single). With that out of the way I wanted to give my thoughts on the Oscars that occurred this past Sunday night. Since I have the attention span of a hummingbird it is hard to for me to sit through me things like this unless it's wrestling or mma where people are hurting each other for my entertainment, the only awards shows I can find like that are the Soul Train or BET awards. However I did make it through all of Titanic, but that's only because there was promise of Kate Winslet's boobs, I hoped there was going to be a repeat when she came out to present an award, but alas, the only boobs I saw were some of the people who accepted the awards.

There were some real surprising moments during the ceremony, I really thought Barbara Striesand got robbed for best special effects because how she talked without moving her face blew me away more then anything James Cameron did in Avatar. Another person that surprised me was Miley Cyrus, not only is she freakishly tall, but at what point did she start to sound like the Mike Myer's old Jewish woman character from Saturday Night Live, she was even verclempt and everything. I thought the In Memorium was thoughtful, and accurate, as I had forgotten Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Ricardo Montalban had died too. There is a lot of fuss over this, Roger Ebert just got his voice back and now the Academy has gone and left him speechless again. For some reason Micheal Jackson was included in there, but yet no love for Billy Mays, the Oxy-clean man, I bet all the clothes worn there that night had been oxy-cleaned at some point, it's only fitting they remember him.

As usual there were a few movies nominated that I hadn't heard of, everyone seemed to rave about the movie Precious and the lead actress Gaborey Cinnabun.....er Sidibe, and rightfully so cause I think she would have eaten them. I know I know, obesity is a major problem these days, and I'm not the smallest person in the world but I was totally expecting her to have a big old turkey leg in her mouth when they randomly cut to her, I mean honestly when they first showed her my first thought was to scream "OH CRAP, they got Jabba the Hut", no jabba de jabba osssscarrrrr. One thing that does stay the same every year is Ben Stiller's pathetic attempt to be funny, this year centered around Avatar. Everyone seemed to think he was blue because he was an Avatar, I just figured he was blue because he was trying to hard, better luck next year Bennie

So to end I just wanna say congratulations to all the winners, not just because you won but you managed to sit through that entire ceremony, hell I should have gotten an Oscar for it. Congratulations to Sandra Bullock for winning cause she has a convincing accent, congratulations to Jeff Daniels, just don't get a hold of Woody Harrelson's stash before you accept an award, wait who am I kiddin, that was totally his. It's a good thing there is no dope testing at the ceremonies is all I'm saying, I joke of course, I'm sure all the celebrities are clean, as a matter of fact I think the only dope I spotted was Colin Farrell, although too much exposure to him is harmful to your health, with side effects including raised levels of douchebagedness. And to James Cameron, sucks to be you man, 1o years of your life on your dream project, the highest grossing movie of all time, which beat out one of your own movies, only to see your oscar dreams ravished like a post oscar buffet in front of that Precious girl. However, you shouldn't worry James, you may have lost to your ex-wife, but you know where she lives, just pee in her air vent while she's out of the house, that'll teach her to bust yer tomaters.