It's a Punderful Life

- Next month is national hairdresser's month, so everyone be sure to wear a ribbon to remember what they dyed for

-Last night I saw a guy attempt to play the American national anthem on a harmonica, he blew it

- We always hear about the sexual proclivity of male rabbits, but did you know that the male beaver gets more wood than any other animal?

-The head of a major cereal company was recently arrested after discontinuing a number of major cereals, FBI stormed his office after he was labeled the worst cereal killer in recent years

-In entertainment news singer Bruno Mars was horribly disfigured recently. His attempts to show affection for a girl by catching a grenade for her blew up in his face

-I always get surprised when someone rings in a rare steak at work because we don't see it very often

-I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, he's a compulsive over eater, seems he's always busy cause he always has too much on his plate

-Travel company Travelocity is getting rid of it's famous mascot, it appears the statue of limitations has run out, what will become of him is not gnome at this time.

-Did you hear about the funeral home administrator who died after a filing cabinet fell on him?.......he was buried in paperwork

- I once wanted to write a script for Frasier, but it was unreadable because I couldn't perfect my Kelsey Grammar.

That's all for today, you all may think I'm weird but guess what I can paddle a boat, canoe?

Bear Polar: My life with a semi crazy dog

As I write this it's 8:12 in the morning, that's about 1 o'clock where my sister is, about 2ish where my brother is, and next Wednesday in China. Why am I up so early? you ask, there's a reason, and his name is Bear. One of the reasons why I didn't write here for a while(besides laziness) was just after Christmas I received my new puppy, Bear, still the best present since that piece of coal I was given as a pet in my younger days at Christmas. Ninety percent of the time Bear is awesome, his wacky hi jinx making me laugh on a daily basis, it's the other ten percent where he gets wilder then a Charlie Sheen brunch party(poptarts is the gateway to blow and hookers). I know now what all the single parents are complaining about, it's hard raising a child, I mean this is a puppy, you just can't shake it like you would a kid, but at least you can lock it in a cage.

I'm not totally alone in the war on Terrierism(he's actually a golden retriever but that joke is awesome in it's lameness) my roommate Jeff does a good job with him, and they get along great, and when he misbehaves I can always give him a timeout in the kennel, sure Jeff gets a little uncomfortable in there but it teaches him a lesson. Maybe it's the legendary puppy dogs eyes, the fat little face, but it's hard to stay mad at my little buddy, but I just know when he sits there looking so cute, that any second he's gonna leap and chew on my fingers. He doesn't even really do this to other people, well he did accidentally scratch my buddy Andrew but only because he was excited there was another bear like creature in the apartment. He's actually great with other people, at 6 weeks old he was better with girls then I've ever been, sure he didn't like being soaked in chloroform but anything to help out dear old dad.

I've created the term Bear Polar to show just how he goes from adorable teddy bear to Cujo in the matter of seconds, his new acquired knowledge that giving me his paw leads to treats has shown him that he can lure me in, I will accept his paw and he will go for my knuckles. And go for the knuckles he will, he will chow down like a Biggest Loser competitor falling off the wagon, a simple tap on the nose and saying stop will always work to prevent it.............for a couple of seconds, then he's on the attack again. I'm proud to say that at least the house training is going well, sure it was rough early, there were more stains on the carpet then a seedy motel room, but now he is able to climb the steps and let us know when he wants to go out. He enjoys all the snow we've had, so much that's it hard to get him to come back inside, for when you take him out your on Bear time, and he doesn't care if your cold, you will make sure he does all his dirty sinful business and you will like it.

One personality trait I'm concerned with is that I think he may hate Italians. What's that? you say, dogs can't be racist, I thought so too until I was playing Mario Brothers on Wii the other day, and he sat there staring. Staring doesn't make him racist you say, but then he started to growl at him, now Bear enjoys watching television, and he's watched me play Madden 11 on Ps3, and he's never once growled, but when he saw Mario, he growled for a number of minutes. Of course that's nothing like the yelling and growling and screaming I've done at the game, but that's another blog for another time.

I love my dog, he is and forever will be my little buddy, he brings me so much amusement, sure I may randomly catch him with dryer sheets in his mouth, or finding so much random money on the floor that I think he's actually part woman, but he never ceases to be not entertaining. I never know what he's gonna into next, or what piece he's going to take out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way, and so I'll just grin and Bear it.

Have you seen the Muffins? Man

Today I decided to dust off the old blog, lift the tarp off to discuss a topic that should not be overlooked, an occurrence that has shook yours truly to his very core, that is the waning population and outright removal of low fat blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's locations. About a year and a half ago when I decided to lose a bunch of weight, the low fat blueberry muffin was a source of comfort and deliciousness in the bleak world of dietary foods. I have low fat blueberry muffins to thank for the some eighty pounds I have shed, well those and Subway(suck it Jarred) and now you go and take them away from me, and replace them with what, some new fruity muffin that I don't know what it is because the girl talks to low and you don't have a sign for them yet. Who do you think I am Tim Hortons? Lindsay Lohan on a bender, do you think I'll just ingest anything cause it has a berry in it?

There is truly no good way to describe my feelings on the loss of the beloved muffin, so here is a lament, a tribute if you will to the fallen baked goods. This is usually my brother Bill's thing but I'll give it a shot:

How I miss you muffins
Ripped from the shelf
I've not only lost breakfast
But a piece of myself

Sometimes you were covered in flakes, sometimes not
Didn't matter to me, you still hit the spot
I try to keep my chin up, try to be merry
As I force myself to eat the regular blueberry

You were a great source of food
When I went on a stroll
Time to bury my sorrows
In this cinnamon roll

You've been taken from me
Not sure what I'll do
Never filling enough for one
I always had two

Goodbye delicious muffin
I'll miss you a bunch
I'm like a walnut
That's lost his crunch

I remember the verse
From when I was a kid
Do you know the muffin man?
I really thought I did