How to spend your holidays in no easy steps

Last Friday was supposed to be the start of an exciting time for me, it was the start of my mini holidays. I usually don't ask for many days off, I tend to work long hours, six sometimes seven days a week, I like to think I'm a machine, much like a terminator(I need your boots and your clothes) but with it being so busy lately I asked for a few days off just to recharge. It was supposed to be a time of accomplishment, my own summer of George if you will, only in September. I was finally going to get around to those memoirs........that I'd been reading, I was going to find a nice pond and feed the ducks as to fatten them up so I could feed on them, but fate, fate had other ideas. My holidays started nicely enough, a relaxing Friday night, a busy Saturday spent cleaning the apartment but soon disaster would strike in the name of mysterious ankle pain. Ankle pain is my one true weakness, my Achilles heel if you will and it struck suddenly on Saturday, worsening on Sunday, no doubt aggravated by a heated three point contest on Wii Sports Resort. I went to the doctor and his diagnosis was simply.....your an idiot and stop playing video games, I didn't see any ducks at the pond but it looks like I found a quack.

Everyone told me to keep my leg elevated, eventually it was higher then Lindsay Lohan is these days, and with my attention span so short I'm not one to sit around with my legs in the air like some Vietnamese prostitute(no offense to Vietnamese woman, I could have used any nationality but why have hamburger when you could had steak) so I tried to come up with as many fun things to do on one leg as possible, and here is what I came up with:

- Reenact Terry Fox's legendary run across Canada, now on two legs I can barely run across the street but with one leg I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I started by ceremoniously dipping my leg in the bathtub but much like the water caused Terry Fox's leg to rust(as alleged...........by me) it was my downfall too, as I didn't complete the journey, but only because I tripped over a bath towel that had fallen on the floor.

-Find an army jacket and yell at a bunch of kids about how you've seen some things man, and some stuff, and you wouldn't recommend it.

-Master Hopscotch

-Randomly fall down and see how many people pick you up. Warning, this may backfire, and to the person who stole my wallet while I was unconscious please stop using all my Subway points, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COOKIES THOSE POINTS WILL GET ME YOU MONSTER.

-Play Mario Kart Wii for hours

- Become introduced to new levels of rage while playing Mario Kart Wii, seriously why does everything have to come at you at once, and if one more character hits me, Wii are going to have some serious problems.

So there you have it, just some ways where you can make the best out of a bad situation, the way I look at it, at least I'm not a horse or I'd be glue right now. Being glue would totally suck but hey at least I could form a bond with anything.

Yes Wii can

Having your bills paid and available money is always a dangerous thing isn't it folks? Well for me it is anyway because nine times out of ten it ends up burning a hole in my pocket, then I have to go buy new pants, and end up spending money regardless. It does not help that my work is located in a very busy part of town with a lot of stores, including an EB games store situated across the parking lot, convenient for me, not so much for my bank account. Roughly this time every year I contemplate buying a Nintendo Wii but I can usually talk myself out of it, come up with reasons not to justify it, or something comes on television and I forget about it. Well, since TV shows aren't new again till next week(except Sons of Anarchy whooo) I decided to say the hell with it and make the long walk across the parking lot to bring a new toy to the apartment.

I walk up to the counter and ask the girl if they have any Nintendo systems in stock and she says "Wii" , after asking if she spoke English, she for some reason rolled her eyes and pointed to the shelf and guided me to the right direction. Before I bring it up the counter I of course see what games look interesting, really buying the system is contingent on if they have Mario Kart or not, but alas I do not see it, until magically it appears before me, it's used, but what the hey, beggars can't be choosy, unless your that homeless guy my brother saw taking a sub out of the garbage and picking the tomato off, then beggars can be choosy. The girl goes through all the jibba jabba about warranties and tries to sell me stuff but I decline cause I have my system and honestly Wii would just like to get out of there, but not before she makes me paranoid by saying sometimes the bags break and it's not pretty, thanks...... thanks a lot.

Now the walk home is tense, I cradle it so Wii can make it home safely, all the while thinking screw you bio-degradable bags, if you burst and Wii don't make it home alive, I will litter from one end of this town to the next, I will stop at Tim Horton's and just buy sleeves of empty cups and throw them on the ground, and there is a not a God or a Captain Planet that can stop me. Luckily the walk home was uneventful and Wii made it home safely, I dust off the entertainment center and the Ps3 to make it neat and tidy for the arrival of his Wii little brother. At first I wonder if I am gonna have enough room to place it somewhere, but luckily after trying a few different ways Wii Fit.

Early trial runs are proving quite enjoyable, it is fun, entertaining, and even educational, as Wii sports teaches us that people with no arms can do quite well at tennis, boxing, bowling, baseball, and golf, although in golf it leads to quite the handicap..........yeah I said it don't look at Mii. Of course I still love the PlayStation, and I first I wondered if I had two systems could Wii all co-exist and I could spend time with both, well folks in the words of a famous man yes Wii Can.

Signs you may need an Exorcism

Last night I was supposed to go see a movie with some friends, that it is until the gods intervened and gave me a sinus cold instead. The movie we had planned on seeing was the Last Exorcism, I think it was the number one move this past weekend but I'm not sure, I'd do some research and find out but *cue Jessie Ventura in Predator voice* I ain't got time to read. The whole ritual of an exorcism makes me wonder, how far gone does a person have to be before you think "nope, a doctor's not going to cut it, I think I need a priest." I have thought (not so) long and (not so) hard on this matter, and here I think are some signs you may need an exorcism.

- If you suddenly can contort your body into impossible shapes, and your not a gymnast, then you may need an exorcism

- If you have seen the commercial for M. Night Shyamalan's movie The Devil and you say "oh yeah I remember doing that to those people in the elevator" you may need an exorcism

- If you wreak havoc on all religious property in your house, but leave the Dale Earnhardt collector's plates intact you might be a redneck...........um who needs an exorcism.

- If every time you look down and you can't see your toes.......you may need to exorcise.

- I recently had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head, hmmm maybe I need an exorcism.

- If the job is too much for a young priest to handle, and they have to call in an old priest to walk creepily out of the fog, oh yeah, you totally need an exorcism.

- If you recently watched news pundit Rex Murphy and you get these weird feelings and start spouting off big words, you may need a Rexorcism.

-If suddenly you can spin your head right round, right round, like a circle baby, right round, right round your either a huge fan of Dead or Alive, or you need an exorcism.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are other signs. I don't really know much about this Devil fellow, I know he went down to Georgia that one time, and he fought Arnold Schwarzenegger in the End of Days, but other then that I don't pay too much attention to him. All I know is a lot of crazy things can happen in this world, so watch out who you refer to as a devil, for you never know, they just might be.