Houston, She had a problem

 In case you have been living under a rock this past week you have not heard about the death of Whitney Houston, or your homeless in which case you have never read this blog so I'm not talking to you.  Houston died on Saturday, the day before the Grammy awards, causing them to scramble to put in tributes, and leaving other stars distraught.  LL Cool J's charisma and personality were so distraught they decided to skip the awards leaving some monotone robot to host the show; at least Adele was there to take people's minds off of things, when times are hard you can always count on the British, which is something I don't think any soldier from any other country has ever said.....ever.  Now to say Ms. Houston's past is checkered is an understatement, her closet had more skeletons than backstage at a fashion show, but one can't deny that she left a huge mark, not just the track marks on her arms, but in the music industry.

 Houston was born in New Jersey, so from an early start she was given an unfair shake, but she rose above all that, on a clear day when she could see New York she knew she could do better.  Its kind of like when people from Bell Island can see St. John's on a clear day, sure it sucks to live on Bell Island, but you know escape is possible......as long as the ferry isn't broke again or trapped in ice.  Whitney, like a lot of stars got her start singing gospel music for her local church, you know one thing I've always noticed is that when a young girl sings in church it seems she goes on to be a megastar, but if a young boy sings in church a priest gets arrested, it's funny how that works.

 Once she was discovered the sky was the limit, she danced with somebody, she found the greatest love of all, she said she would always love you(even if Dolly Parton said it first) and even starred in a movie, The Bodyguard, with Kevin Costner, but even he couldn't protect her from what was to come. Just when you though she could not get any higher, along came Bobby Brown, and his good friend drugs. Now kids if you don't know who Bobby Brown is, picture him as Chris Brown and Whitney Houston as Rihanna.  Now old people if you don't know who Bobby Brown or Chris Brown is, picture him as Ike Turner and Whitney Houston as Tina Turner.  When the two got engaged, you should have seen the rock he gave her......before she snorted it.  Actually in an interview Whitney Houston denied doing crack because "it's too cheap", hell choclate bars are cheaper then the fancy chocolate but I enjoy them just at much.  The two had a rocky relationship with many ups and downs, usually Whitney down on the floor after he punched her and then picked up again by Brown so he could hit her again.  Sure Brown might not have been as talented as his wife but it seems he had just as many hits as she did...........to her face..........what's that, oh you already knew what I was going for there, okay okay, moving on then.

 Then for a long time nobody talked about Whitney Houston, sure she had albums out, and she was hot again for a couple of weeks but then she would go right back to obscurity, I hear they have the best pharmacies there.  It wasn't until last Saturday when she was discovered in that bathtub that people thought about her again, so hey she might have drowned, but at least she made a splash on her way out.  People were quick to take the Amy Winehouse route of speculation that it was drugs or whatever, but her family can take solace in that if she did in fact fall asleep in the tub at least she died clean.  When reached at the old folks home where he and his group New Edition were peforming Bobby Brown was grief stricken and having "crying fits" Now I'm all for second chances, but he supposedly beat her African American and blue for the majority of her relationship, I don't think he gets to cry that she's gone, unless it's cause he has no one to take his rage out on, but hey isn't that what hookers are for.

 It is weird how sometimes it takes someone dying to remember they were alive in the first place, and now that she is gone, she is once again the greatest thing since sliced bread- as as sidenote if sliced bread is so great how come nobody knows who the first person to slice it was, guess he couldn't sing or act or anything- and now we can look forward to at least eight more cd's of hers to be released and a movie about her life, done by Tyler Perry, featuring that wretched Madea woman for no reason at all.

Unsolved Mysteries

 There are things in life that, as much as you try, you just cannot explain.  The Northern Lights, Stonehenge, the popularity of Jersey Shore, do aliens really exist?(a quick look at Michelle Bachman says yes, yes they do) are just some of the things that people have and will for centuries have no real answer too.  Yesterday on the worldwide MENSA meeting known as facebook a cousin of mine posted a video of people capturing disturbing noises from across the globe.  All these different places, yet the same ominous noise.  What could the noise be? Could it be the poles shifting, tectonic plates re-aligning, Oprah's stomach rumbling(that's my choice).  I for one think the video is fake because one of the people is listed as from the Czech Republic, and everyone knows they can't afford cameras there, so there ya go, one mystery explained.  So with this bigger mystery out of the way, I would just like to list some of the other things that I have wondered about for years, but have never been able to solve, any help you people can give me would be much appreciated.


  - Who keeps cobbling my shoes while I am asleep? And really in regards to that, who even cobbles shoes anymore anyway?  I mean if you met somebody and asked them "Hey, what do you do?" and they responded with "Oh, I'm a cobbler" how could you not respond with stifled laughter and respond "Oh really, Blueberry or Peach?"

-  If somebody stole his Scooby snacks, what would Scooby Doo?

- Everyone always talks about racial intolerance but how come no one focuses on Lactose Intolerance, cows have feelings too people, delicious feelings.

- Who ruined Saturday morning cartoons?

-  Why is it only me that can prevent forest fires? That is a lot of pressure, because of those commercials I was afraid to go into the woods till I was twenty.  Besides, how do we know two bears aren't in there not putting out their camp fires, or pouring flammable stuff to make the fire bigger.

- If onions make us cry, why do we keep going back to them? Is it because we think we can change them?

- If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, who will save us if we start to choke on it?

- They found Saddam Hussein, they found Osama Bin Laden, how come nobody knows where Emilio Estevez is?

- Why can't more people see what an amazing show Community is?

- What happened to you Brendan Frasier? you used to be so cool.

  -Dude, Where's my car?..............Did anyone actually watch that movie?

So there ya go, I tried to recruit Robert Stack to help me solve these mysteries but he's being a jerk and not returning my calls, so I may have to go through life never finding out the answers to these questions. Thanks a lot Robert Stack, your dead to me now.

Under the lid: Behind the emerging St. John's coffee wars

As I sit here drinking my tea my mind thinks of one thing......coffee. Coffee has come a long way since the humble beginnings of coffee hero Juan Valdez. Juan was a simple man with a donkey and dream, but he was also smart, he saw his fellow Colombians filling the rest of the world with high grade cocaine and realized that since those people were gonna be up for hours anyway, they would need something to drink. It was then that he bought the farm, no not died, but actually bought a farm and got to work reaping the precious coffee plants so people would have a jump start in the morning. People instantly took to the hot beverage and it swept the globe, but with rampant popularity comes rampant competition and suddenly the buzzards started to circle. Soon Juan found himself unable to compete, locked out of Maxwell's House, denied entry into the Nescafe, left without a coffee-mate he sat defeated, he had become a has bean, left with no choice he sold (or ate) his donkey and retired into the sunset, unable to sleep both from sadness and all the coffee he had drank over the years.

Now that the history lesson is out of the way, let's jump to the present where the coffee wars are still raging, and this time it's personal. A few months ago down the street from my work a new coffee joint opened, Second cup. Okay so it's not new but it was a new location, and some fresh competition for the always fresh Tim Horton's. The people of Stavanger Drive eyes were opened to the world of Lattes and Frappacino's and blenders and there was no looking back. Sure people still loved their Timmie's but it was like a new girl entering high school and forgetting you had a girlfriend, you knew she would still be there but you had to go check out this new girl and see what she was all about. Second cup possessed something that Tim Horton's did not have, a mad scientist, while Tim's was satisfied putting dollars into doughnuts Second cup created a lab where the mad scientist concocted his crazy drinks such as the frozen hot chocolate, the days of calling it a milkshake were over, Stavanger Drive had gotten fancy, and the sky was the limit for Second cup...........or was it.

*clap of thunder* Enter Starbucks *bigger clap of thunder followed by maniacal laughter followed by coughing followed by more maniacal laughter*

Starbucks is known all over the world as a coffee giant, it had the market cornered on pretentious people who liked to order drinks with names that took ten minutes to say, and it wasn't about to let another dog onto it's turf. It is kind of like the Springfield/Shelbyville beef on the Simpsons, where Shelbyville built a mini mall so Springfield built a bigger mini mall. Second cup was in the midst of establishing a fan base until the bigwigs of Starbucks waved their evil talon like fingers in the air and said no way Jose, after denying the janitor his raise they also decided to open an establishment almost directly across from Second cup.

A once peaceful place has become a land torn asunder. Just yesterday while at a stop light I saw a poor pedestrian being pelted by some stale Starbucks muffins aimed at the windows of Second Cup. He dusted himself off and picked the chocolate chips out of his ears but he could never pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Second Cup responded by putting a sign on the road that said Starbucks employees rape cows, which was unfortunate for Starbucks, who had just put up a sign promoting adding cream to any drink for no extra charge.

Tim Horton's has been mostly content to sit back and laugh at the two warring factions, however they have increased their cup sized and have advertised to anyone who would listen like a valley girl who got plastic surgery for her birthday. Tired of the jittery unrest brought on by the load of caffeine, the locals have begun to venti very loud and very fast to anyone who would listen about the grande toll this war is taking on them. Second Cup has began to give away free coffee every morning, Starbucks has begin to kidnap the relatives of any person buying from Second Cup, stuck in the middle the morale of these people is sinking like an Italian cruise ship. There's no telling how or when this war will end, but until the day that coffee is no longer flowing freely (or insanely expensive) one thing is for sure, no one will rest.

Tree of Woe

The Christmas season is a busy time, there are gifts to be bought, decorations to be put up, eggs to be nogged, Jewish people to be laughed at, and when it's all said and done and you go back to work or school, it's always the same question, how was your Christmas? I have been asked this question a number of times after my mini vacation, and I gave the usual response "It was good"..."Yeah Santa was great"......"it was quiet just how I like it." They all nod and smile, glad I had a good holiday, but if only they knew the real truth of how my holiday was spent. I think it's time to reveal the rather interesting set of events that occurred over this past yule tide season.

My story actually begins a couple of weeks before Christmas day, the time had come to contribute my share to the inflated Christmas economy and so I loaded up my credit card and set out to the mall in search of gifts for the family. It had started out like a normal day, Christmas music blaring over the intercom, people busy hustling and bustling from store to store, a big giant talking tree encouraging people to leave him gifts, stores..........wait what......what is that gigantic tree doing in the middle of the mall, and why were these people eagerly laying gifts at it's base. It appeared this evil demigod had some sort of hold over the patrons of the mall, with his large cold dead eyes and big gaping mouth, the people seemed to fear him, as his gaze moved from side to side and he let out a giant bellow, more and more the people laid these treasures at his feet.

Reeling from the sight of the giant beast I began to inquire around about what I had just seen, one patron said it was the Happy Tree, no doubt calling it that as to not incur the wrath of this demonic idol. He also explained that every year around this time people showered the tree with gifts which were given to poor families and kids. This all sounded well and good to me but as a cynic I knew the truth. These terrified people were giving these gifts so the tree would not eat the souls of their children. I have watched enough movies to know a good sacrifice when I see one, and I also know that there has to be someone to help the poor villagers..........and that someone was me. I eagerly downed the last drop of my Tim Horton's French vanilla and marched up to this monstrous pine cone, staring it right in it's evil eyes I threw my empty cup at him and screamed "There's your sacrifice, now go back to your woods and leave these families alone."

All around me people stood shocked, their mouths wide open over what they had just seen. "Don't worry, your safe now, this giant tree will harm you no more" I said to them, and just then it hit me.........not an epiphany but a large gift, a box had come flying at me almost knocking me to the ground, when I turned around I see the tree staring a hole through me and smiling the evilest smile I had ever seen. This fight wasn't over, I would let him think he won but I would escape to the intermission to formulate my plan. I needed to destroy this so called Happy Tree, I figured the simplest way would be to destroy it would be to light it on fire but as I was purchasing a pack of matches to do just that a giant bear appeared next to me, this was no strange bear for I recognized the hat, and the uniform, and then he said his famous catchphrase "Only you can prevent forest fires" once again Smokey the Bear's calm nature had shown me the way, as I shook his paw and thanked him for his wisdom he said "Hey you gotta smoke to sell me." It turns out the Smokey the bear is some sketchy fifty year old guy, this was truly a weird day indeed.

Time was running out, I needed to find a way to cut this tree down to size, tear him limb from limb, a tree was gonna fall and everyone was gonna hear it. With my courage up I grabbed the closest Axe to me, and as the lady behind the counter screamed that I had to pay for that body wash I ran to meet my foe. I stormed down the escalators and and stormed into his evil village. This tree would find out that my bite was worse then his bark as I held noting back, I chopped and slashed with all my might and as he was rocking back and fourth I stopped, and in my best action hero voice said "Timber" and the mighty tree fell to the ground crushing all the presents that lay beside him. Turning around I couldn't wait to be embraced by all the thankful people that had felt the wrath of their cruel master, but to my surprise I had not gotten the reaction I expected. I turned to them and screamed "Your free now, your kids souls belong to them" and something about basking in my greatness, then it hit me......no not an epiphany this time either....a fist.........then another fist.........then a foot.........these villagers were attacking me, but why? I had saved them.

As it turns out there is such a thing as a Happy tree, and they really do donate gifts to poor families, or they did, when there was a gifts, and a tree. So the real answer to how I spent my Christmas, well it really was rather quiet, I didn't go out much mostly because of the people brandishing pitchforks and torches, though it did light up the street nicely, and my house even won the best Christmas lights contest. Also you'd be surprised how peaceful the sound of carolers throwing eggs at your house while they sing their Christmas carols can be, halfway through silver bells I was out like a baby. In case your wondering what became of the tree, well let's just say that I won't be able to get into my living room for a while.

You'd butter not pout

Butter.....


We all take it for granted, we always just assume that it will be there when we open the refrigerator door, waiting to be added to things to make them more delicious; but what if you woke up one day and the butter was gone, what if you had to go from I can't believe it's not butter to I can't believe it's not there, melted away as if it was left in the heat too long. Now you probably think this could never happen in a million years.......or you could be from Norway and reading this crying into your own unbuttered popcorn. If your reading this and wondering what the hell I'm talking about A) you have never read this blog before and B) you haven't heard that Norway is apparently drastically low on butter.

Unlike the dairy product, word began spreading recently that there wasn't enough butter to meet the high demand of the low carb diet crazed Norwegians. I asked myself how could a place run out of butter? Have they followed the advice of Bart Simpson and they simply don't have cows man? But no apparently they do have cows, but apparently it rains a lot in Norway, and not just bullets either, actual rain which damages the feed quality, so for any of you wondering if cows are picky eaters, the answer is apparently yes.

It has gotten to the point where store owners are rationing butter, I assume taking diligent notes as there is a close margarine of error when it comes to who gets what and how much. It has gotten so bad butter is now the number one thing sold by drug dealers on the street corners of Oslo, the dealers get hounded by hungry people just waiting to have home cooked meals like they are used to. Police keep trying to crack down on the oleo pushers but they just cover themselves in it making it easier to slip through the cracks. Widespread panic has covered the land, people choking on dry unflavored popcorn, when one person suggested using peanut butter, he was chased with sticks and forced to live in Finland. Black metal radio stations play song after song about the dairy strife. The band Mayhem's song "The Devil steals your butter to rape babies" is now the number one song in the entire place.

I'm not one to overreact but this butter thing could be a scary situation. I mean think about it, Norway suffering from a lack of butter means not enough butter on baked potatoes, so they stopped eating them, all of a sudden Norway stops getting potatoes from Ireland causing another potato famine. No potatoes means no whiskey gets made, no whiskey means nobody getting as drunk as much. Less drunk people mean less dates for ugly people, which means less people having babies, sending the population into a sharp decline until all that is left are Cher and cockroaches. So this year for Christmas, do something special, buy an extra tub of butter, or you really fat people buy an extra extra tub of butter and send it to our Norwegian friends, and give them a Dairy Christmas.


Bear's Corner: Hi everyone, just a tip to all the hungry dogs out there, is it not time for feeding yet? are you hungry but don't want to spoil your supper? have a nice light snack of pillow stuffing or drywall........I find that a little nibble here and there keeps Mr. Hunger away. Until next time I'm Bear and that's my Paws for thought.

Jesus vs Santa Claus: Who's the real reason for the season

Vs

Throughout the decades and decades of Christmas, one question has been the most topic of debate, who would win a fight between Santa Claus and Jesus H. Christ. Would Santa's (toy)sack be big enough to put Jesus away in a manger for good? Or would the holiest of holies pull out another miracle. Now Jesus hasn't had a battle since his epic encounter with the Easter bunny so there may be some ring rust, and well Santa is used to spending all year training for one important night, so it could be any man's match, let's go backstage to our celebrity interviewer Frosty the Snowman:

*camera pans to a puddle of water*

Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*

Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.

*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*

Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.

After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.

As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.

Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see

A day in the life of Bear and Mika

Having a dog is a great deal of responsibility, it's like having a child only more fun and they won't ever grow up to talk back to you. I mean if it ever came down to adopting a dog or a child, the dog would win paws down, especially if it was up against one of those Unicef children, I mean sure in both commercials the dogs and the children look sad but at least the dogs look clean. Anywho, my roomate Jeff and I both have young dogs, and since we work a lot of hours we often to have to leave them in the kennels for extended periods of time, they accept their fate, content to go in there with their chew toys and sleep the day away until they it's time for their freedom. I always wonder what they are up to when we are gone, and if they could talk what would they talk about? Perhaps it would be something like this.

Bear: Psst.............pssst........Mika..............you awake?

Mika: I am now, what do you want?

Bear: What did you get today?

Mika: Tire, you?

Bear: Tennis ball?

Mika: Sweet, how does it taste today?

Bear: Good, not as good as the stuffing from the pillow, but good?

Mika: Oh man that's the good stuff, I loves me some stuffing

Bear: Agreed *sigh*

Mika: Dude, what's the matter?

Bear: Did you ever wonder what it all means?

Mika: What does what mean?

Bear: Life, what are we here for? Are you listening to me?

Mika: Sorry I was sniffing my butt, isn't it great that we can do that and our dad's can't?

Bear: Yeah it totally is, but we should be worried about more then our butts, I mean in this age of socioeconomic turmoil, where democracies are crumbling and foreclosures are rampant, how are we supposed to feel good about the future?

Mika: You have got to stop watching CNN

Bear: What's CNN?

Mika: You know on television

Bear: What's television?

Mika: The big black thing we see those two dogs that look like us in sometimes

Bear: Oh yeah, I hate those dogs, who do they think they are?

Mika: I don't know, the one who looks like me is cute, the one who looks like you is just fat

Bear: I told you stop with the fat jokes, I'd bite you so hard if I could get over there now

Mika: You don't have the balls

Bear: I TOLD YOU THEY WERE CUT OUT, THAT'S IT YOUR GONNA GET IT WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Mika: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.......wait we gotta be good our dad's won't like hearing we were barking so much, we cool bro?

Bear: Yeah we're cool

Mika: Anyway, to answer your question, the humans are a resilient people, sure they fight each other for territory and resources, but they always persevere, they will pull through like they always do, now as to your point about economic turmoil, it is just a down period, what is known as a recession, as the population grows and the resources dwindle it becomes harder for the supply to meet the demand, and the economy goes into a tailspin, it's a vicious cycle and I personally blame the fact that there is a black man in office.

Bear: Do you have to be so racist? Besides how do you know he is black? We can't even see colors

Mika: Oh yeah, guess I must have heard it somewhere

Bear: Do you think if things get too bad, they will run out of food and have to eat us?

Mika: Nah, I can't see that happening, why eat dog when you can eat those hamburger things?

Bear: I hear they eat dogs in Korea

Mika: Dude, that's not true, Korean's don't even exist, besides I don't think people will ever run out of food, I've seen a lot of big people lately, I don't know who slobbers more, me or them.

Bear: Yeah I guess your right, thanks for the talk, we should probably sleep till our dad's get home

Mika: You can sleep, I've got crotch to lick

Bear: Just don't get your tongue stuck there like you did yesterday

Mika: You never going to let me live that down are you?

Bear: Nope *gasp* I think one of our dad's is coming, quick pretend like we can't talk

Mika: We can't talk, your dad made all this up

Bear: Really? Why would he do that? Is there something wrong with him?

Mika: There might be, but he gives good belly rubs so it's ok

Bear: Agreed, well I'm going to sleep, talk to you later

Mika: You mean NOT talk to me later right *wink*

Bear: Oh right, *wink wink*