The Gull

Once upon a morning dreary, while I wondered weak and weary
Over many a pile of garbage bags laid by the door,
While my slippers I was wearing, suddenly there came a tearing,
'Tis my neighbor' I muttered, swearing as he sputtered
Only this and nothing more

Distinctly I remember, for it was early in November,
And Mother Nature's temp had dropped to minus four,
This could not wait until the morrow, my landlady's garbage net I'd have to borrow
For me now there was no sorrow, upon completion of this chore,
For the council appoints the time of this chore,
Assigned here for evermore

On the sound of savage ripping,
I wondered if my mind was slipping,
My neighbors fingers he was flipping,
My neighbor cursing by my apartment door,
Only this, and nothing more

Presently the stench grew stronger,
I could not last a minute longer,
'Excuse me' I said daring,
'Could you please cut out the swearing,
For the whole street it is hearing,
Words they haven't heard before'
He just stood there, nothing more

As I stood upon him peering,
Another outburst i was fearing
For I had just wanted to complete my chore,
Suddenly he broke the lull, pointed forward and whispered "Gull"
'Gull' I whispered, stunned by the word spoke before,
Garbage there and nothing more

Back into my apartment turning,
My neighbors rage inside him burning,
I heard him swearing louder then he had before,
I looked outside my window pane,
As he became more profane,
'Tis his mind, and nothing more'

Open then I flung the door, then my heart began to sore,
For at the garbage the gull had tore,
Not the least compassion showed he,
Nothing could stop or sway he,
Perched upon the garbage he had tore,
Perched and sat, he ate some more

Then the ivory bird sat waiting,
On my nerves he was grating,
Because of the smug and smarmy look he wore,
As garbage littered the street, I wondered how it could be beat,
Wondered if I could defeat,
This bird who at my garbage tore,
Quoth the gull "got anymore"

I marveled at this gull now walking,
Surely he could not be talking,
This creature who at my garbage tore,
I obviously needed sleep,
Go back to bed and count more sheep,
Surely while this bird was stalking,
He could not really be talking,
Asking if I had any more

The gull now sitting on the bag,
Engaged me in a game of tag,
As it's wings it did flutter,
I wondered how it would taste with butter,
As revenge for my garbage tore,
When the truck comes he will leave,
My neighbor he did not believe
"He will be gone, nevermore"

Startled by his reply
'Definitely' said I, for the winter it is near,
And he will surely disappear,
Then no longer will our bags be tore,
Quoth the Gull "got anymore"

But the gull, still there sitting,
Caused my neighbor to start spitting, more profanity then ever before,
This gull would drive a man to drinking,
As the bag continued shrinking,
The garbage bag at which he tore,
He will not get anymore

Just then the fog grew denser,
The gull chewed on a Pez Dispenser,
'wretch' I cried, it was not funny,
As he severed the head of Bugs Bunny,
Coming out the bag from which he tore,
What's up Doc? Nevermore

Defeated I sat in a slump,
'Get thee back into the dump'
Was this bird, or was this devil,
Truly it was not on the level,
I had just wanted to complete this chore
But he showed the bag what for,
And now it will be taken, nevermore

The truck it is here, the gull departing,
As the clean-up I am starting, but the truck continues darting,
Darting down the road some more,
The anger now inside me swelling,
Soon I commence to yelling, yelling by my bag that's tore,
Leave no trash as a token, can't you hear what I have spoken?
He just drove down the road some more

And the garbage, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
On the street, by my apartment door,
All the neighbors do is yell,
And complain about the smell, from the garbage that was tore,
They will continue to frown,
Until I hear from the town,
The odor shall be lifted, nevermore

My scientific experiment:: can a 30 year old man successfully go trick or treating

There is one day every year where kids get to put on their cutest or scariest costumes and are rewarded with candy for their efforts. This day has many different names, some call it All Hollow's Eve, the Mexican people refer to it as the day of the dead, Micheal Jackson referred to it as every Friday at the Neverland Ranch. I am of course talking about Halloween, a day where good dental health was put on the back burner and the ugly kids could finally walk around in public without offending anyone. I remember as a boy being whisked from house to house along with my brothers and sisters, marveling over the amount of candy we received and rushing home to reap the rewards of our journey. I have fond memories of sorting through piles of candy looking for the best ones first, eating candy until your stomach hurt, and looking confused as my brothers and sister told me that that razor blade in the apple was good for me, and that I should eat it, yes I took a lot of heat for ruining the split of a six pack of Oka-dokas.

As I've gotten older trick or treating has become a thing of the past, until this year, when I decided to see what would happen if I went around from house to house asking for candy. I wanted to see if Halloween was still just for kids, or could anybody get in on the action, so with that in mind, lets get to the findings shall we.

*The first thing every good trick or treater needs is a costume. Instead of going and buying a costume I decided to use what things I had at home. Taking an old work shirt and pants I cut some holes and using a hockey mask I decided on Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, it's been done a lot but its and oldie but a goodie. I figured some people may call this uninspired so I thought I needed a trial run. First finding of my research: people DO NOT like it if you show up in costume at their door in a mask on a day that's not Halloween, girls WILL scream loudly, and WILL call the cops without hesitation. My research got off to a rocky start.

*The second thing every trick or treater needs is a good route, preferably close to their home base and houses that look like good locations where they can score the best treats. So I walked down my street looking for houses that were decorated for Halloween as I figured they would be most likely to participate in the festivities. In an interesting turn of events when people saw me do this they ran in fear, some brave souls chased me with bats. I found this data to be rather interesting until I remembered I still had my costume on. So I ditched the mask for the rest of the walk, and people were much more receptive, seeing my tattered rags some even gave me money, and encouraging advice such as buy myself a warm coffee and don't spend it on booze.

*So last night was the big night, as the time to leave grew closer the anticipation started to build. I knew the kids would have a head start as their parents would want to get them to bed early, so I knew this would be a hindrance to my plan of getting the best candy possible. However; I have many things in my favor, I am older, somewhat wiser, my legs are longer so I am faster, and I'm pretty agile for my size, able to leap tall kids in a single bound. I decided to leave the house around six, starting with houses in my general area, and lets just say things got off to a rocky start. The reactions of the first few houses ranged from scream, slap, groin kicking, mace, BEAR MACE, actual MID-EVIL mace(seriously who has one of those), bag of popcorn, being chased by a shotgun toting old women. Seriously if your girlfriend is that nervous, don't leave her home alone when a thirty year old man in rags and a goalie mask comes knocking asking if she has any candy.

While my experiment got off to a bad start, you will be glad to know it ended quite successfully. Whats that? you say, it did not seem like I was successful, sure the reception at the houses might not have been the warmest, but for all their efforts the police never caught me, and thanks to that chance encounter with those surprised and scared little kids, I came home with quite the haul indeed.

Conclusions: while Halloween can be a difficult day to get ready for, it can also be easy if you do it right, kind of like stealing candy from a baby...............or a bunch of 8 year olds.