If there is one topic I don't know a lot about it's politics......and math...........and women...........and nuclear fission, but I know a shady situation when I see one, and a lot of times politicians are shadier then an elm tree on a hot sunny day. I know the life of a politician isn't always easy, you have this person complaining, that person complaining, having to rob Peter to give to Paul and constantly being under a microscope. The fact that they live under that giant microscope should be enough to make them stop doing dumb things, or at least hide them better. I know the urges are there, after months of campaigning and begging for money like a homeless person outside a Tim Horton's, you finally won, you get control, and the first days in office your giddier then a female when an Adele song comes on the radio, and nothing can stop you only yourself.
Introducing Peter MacKay, Canada's national minister of defence. Did you know that he was once voted Canada's sexiest Member of Parliament from 1999-2007 and again in 2009? Which would be impressive, only have you seen some of the Canadian members of parliament, most of the Parliament members have more rolls then a bakery. Mr. MacKay enjoys two things, fishing and getting out of places fast, so it would make only perfect sense that on a fishing trip last year in Gander he called a search and rescue mission helicopter to come pick him up. Now it's understandable that when somebody is in Gander they want to get out of there as fast as possible, but this seems to be a bit extravagant to me. Newfoundland and Labrador only has 3 search and rescue helicopters, and one of them is remote controlled, so it could have been bad if there had been a real emergency.
Now if you know anything about Peter MacKay's political history, you know he has no trouble riding things he shouldn't *cough*Belinda Stronach* just because he can so it's no surprise that he should use taxpayers money to get from point A to point B. The department of defense in all their wisdom retorted that Peter McKay was just volunteering to be in a training run of the search and rescue mission, which is all well and good only for the exercise was scheduled by his own department and I don't think training exercises work IF THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. Their story had more holes in then this blog has sentence fragments. Maybe other ministers could follow his lead, the minister of Finance could have banks give him money just to see how they sort out transactions. Perhaps the minister of Fisheries could give fishermen less days to fish as an exercise to see how they can eke out a living.....oh wait that happened already.
As I mentioned before, if there had been a real emergency it could have been a sticky situation. Imagine if a boat was stranded at sea, they put in an SOS call but they are told to hang tight cause the minister of defense caught a beaut of a salmon and it has to keep. Apparently it costs around $32, 232 to operate on a Cormorant helicopter for one hour, which is roughly what takes these days to fill up an SUV on gas or buy one concert ticket at Mile One stadium. So the next time your out fishing, and you need to get home whether you left the stove on and your wife is not the kitchen where she should be to turn it off, or your being attacked by a rampant coyote, call the search and rescue team, just hope they don't send the remote control one.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Scarlett Fever
Scarlett Johansson......
The mere mention of that name sends tremors through the loins of the majority of the world's male population. It doesn't matter if your straight, homosexual, bi-sexual or even Republican, there is not a man on this earth who wouldn't tell you she is incredibly attractive. That is why the internet nearly exploded a couple of days ago when someone finally hacked into her personal life revealing photos that she obviously didn't want to be revealed......and the internet rejoiced. It is reported that for the first time in years the World of Warcraft games were virtually deserted, leaving only tumbleweeds roaming through the vast universe. On an unrelated note, congratulations to tumbleweeds for finishing and winning the whole World of Warcraft game.
Johansson was obviously upset, but what did she expect, after all one person's boob picture is another man's treasure; and if a hacker who has the resources even gets a whiff that there is a hint of a possibility of seeing a boob online they are gonna go after it. After all picture boobs make up 98 percent of all their boob contact so they are gonna be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, or Tiger Woods to any woman but his wife(admittedly the Tiger jokes are old now that the only thing higher then is mistress count is his golf score). She should have known that eventually these pictures would come out, that's why God created a delete button(would Helen Keller be the mute button?) so things like this wouldn't get out. If anyone should know the perils of technology it should be an actress in the talking picture business where someone can see you on the big screen, punch a couple of buttons and immediately know almost everything there is to know about you.
In this TMZ age of TMI I don't understand how these celebrities are not more careful. It seems every other week there is another cellphone hacking or some tape that just happened to be discovered. There were apparently pictures of Rihanna leaked, which at least made up for her terrible music, then the other day I thought stumbled across the Paris Hilton tape, One night in Paris, turns out it was the old Fox network alien autopsy show. You never hear of anything like this happening to Megan Fox, you never see any tawdry pictures of her hit the internet, no she prefers to save all her embarrassment into marrying the nerdy guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Sure Megan Fox may have the emotional range and charisma of Astro Boy, but that doesn't mean that the demand is any less to see revealing photos. In fact, I would bet that the team of people trying to hack into that phone outnumbers the number of doctors trying to find a cure for cancer.
In closing, I did see the pictures, but only to maintain journalistic integrity, and I was only on the website to get directions on how to get away from the website. At first I was shocked and angry that someone would invade her privacy like that, and rest assured when I found out the person's name I wrote him a very angry card, just because it was attached to a fruit basket doesn't mean the words will sting any less. I also thought of how far technology has come, and how it's not necessarily good for the world, but in the end it comes down to this, it is because of technology that Justin Bieber is popular, so eventually something good had to happen to balance out that horror.
**Note** all facts are checked by my bearded sidekick, even though his catchphrase "That's a fact Jack" is getting annoying, moreso because he knows my name is not Jack.
The mere mention of that name sends tremors through the loins of the majority of the world's male population. It doesn't matter if your straight, homosexual, bi-sexual or even Republican, there is not a man on this earth who wouldn't tell you she is incredibly attractive. That is why the internet nearly exploded a couple of days ago when someone finally hacked into her personal life revealing photos that she obviously didn't want to be revealed......and the internet rejoiced. It is reported that for the first time in years the World of Warcraft games were virtually deserted, leaving only tumbleweeds roaming through the vast universe. On an unrelated note, congratulations to tumbleweeds for finishing and winning the whole World of Warcraft game.
Johansson was obviously upset, but what did she expect, after all one person's boob picture is another man's treasure; and if a hacker who has the resources even gets a whiff that there is a hint of a possibility of seeing a boob online they are gonna go after it. After all picture boobs make up 98 percent of all their boob contact so they are gonna be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, or Tiger Woods to any woman but his wife(admittedly the Tiger jokes are old now that the only thing higher then is mistress count is his golf score). She should have known that eventually these pictures would come out, that's why God created a delete button(would Helen Keller be the mute button?) so things like this wouldn't get out. If anyone should know the perils of technology it should be an actress in the talking picture business where someone can see you on the big screen, punch a couple of buttons and immediately know almost everything there is to know about you.
In this TMZ age of TMI I don't understand how these celebrities are not more careful. It seems every other week there is another cellphone hacking or some tape that just happened to be discovered. There were apparently pictures of Rihanna leaked, which at least made up for her terrible music, then the other day I thought stumbled across the Paris Hilton tape, One night in Paris, turns out it was the old Fox network alien autopsy show. You never hear of anything like this happening to Megan Fox, you never see any tawdry pictures of her hit the internet, no she prefers to save all her embarrassment into marrying the nerdy guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Sure Megan Fox may have the emotional range and charisma of Astro Boy, but that doesn't mean that the demand is any less to see revealing photos. In fact, I would bet that the team of people trying to hack into that phone outnumbers the number of doctors trying to find a cure for cancer.
In closing, I did see the pictures, but only to maintain journalistic integrity, and I was only on the website to get directions on how to get away from the website. At first I was shocked and angry that someone would invade her privacy like that, and rest assured when I found out the person's name I wrote him a very angry card, just because it was attached to a fruit basket doesn't mean the words will sting any less. I also thought of how far technology has come, and how it's not necessarily good for the world, but in the end it comes down to this, it is because of technology that Justin Bieber is popular, so eventually something good had to happen to balance out that horror.
**Note** all facts are checked by my bearded sidekick, even though his catchphrase "That's a fact Jack" is getting annoying, moreso because he knows my name is not Jack.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Moose on the Juice
There's an old saying that goes animals are people too, well it's either an old saying or I made it up, either one is very possible. Anywho this statement makes a lot of sense to me, most days Bear has more of a personality then I do, and you should see him drive.........if any law enforcement are reading this I meant driving as in playing golf. I mean if you hit an animal does it not cry, if you cut it does it not bleed, if you cook it does it not taste delicious. It seems to me the more time animals spend around humans the easier it is to pick up their habits, whether good or bad. No where is this more true then in Sweden, home of, hands down, the most entertaining moose on the planet. News outlets everywhere reported the other day the story of an errand moose who had eaten one too many fermented apples, possibly after a hard day at the office, and stumbled it's way into a tree, getting stuck in the process. Hey at least it hit a tree and survive, Ryan Dunn couldn't do that.
I think what led to the drunken downfall of the moose was that he forgot the key differences in apple products, clearly forgetting that if it's clear and yella you got juice their fella, and if it's dark and brown your in cider town, now of course here in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped. The moose was discovered by a man just returning home from work after he heard a loud bellowing coming from next door, and at first dismissed it as "someone having a laugh." Now I know not many people care for their neighbors and all but if I was reading a story and saw that my neighbor had said that I sounded like a moose, he'd be drinking too, a pint of my right first followed by a chaser of good ole lefty here.
Police were called to the scene, as the fire dept was only equipped to get cats out of trees apparently, upon their arrival and along with several people, they worked on freeing the massive beast, all the while getting yelled at by the moose to not judge him, and that the people didn't know him, and that he could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Upon freedom from the tree, the police were preparing to issue a breathalyzer test, but they assumed he was pretty drunk after he collapsed like some drunken frat boy after a toga party............do they even still have toga parties any more.............hehehe moose in a toga, oh come on you were thinking it. The moose was ordered to spend a night in the drunk tank, which I'm guessing either didn't really help the other drunks to sober up or REALLY helped them to sober up and fast.
The moose was also charged with a DUI( deer under the influence) and was ordered to start attending AA(appleholics anonymous). The trial is expected to be quite the spectacle in Sweden, as have you ever seen a moose trapped inside, it's not pretty, especially if there are representatives from MADD (mooses against drunk deer). I know the moose is sorrowful, and you can see the embarrassment on his face, but to the moose I say keep your chin up, no matter how bad it looked or how bad the hangover, you never looked as bad as this:
I think what led to the drunken downfall of the moose was that he forgot the key differences in apple products, clearly forgetting that if it's clear and yella you got juice their fella, and if it's dark and brown your in cider town, now of course here in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped. The moose was discovered by a man just returning home from work after he heard a loud bellowing coming from next door, and at first dismissed it as "someone having a laugh." Now I know not many people care for their neighbors and all but if I was reading a story and saw that my neighbor had said that I sounded like a moose, he'd be drinking too, a pint of my right first followed by a chaser of good ole lefty here.
Police were called to the scene, as the fire dept was only equipped to get cats out of trees apparently, upon their arrival and along with several people, they worked on freeing the massive beast, all the while getting yelled at by the moose to not judge him, and that the people didn't know him, and that he could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Upon freedom from the tree, the police were preparing to issue a breathalyzer test, but they assumed he was pretty drunk after he collapsed like some drunken frat boy after a toga party............do they even still have toga parties any more.............hehehe moose in a toga, oh come on you were thinking it. The moose was ordered to spend a night in the drunk tank, which I'm guessing either didn't really help the other drunks to sober up or REALLY helped them to sober up and fast.
The moose was also charged with a DUI( deer under the influence) and was ordered to start attending AA(appleholics anonymous). The trial is expected to be quite the spectacle in Sweden, as have you ever seen a moose trapped inside, it's not pretty, especially if there are representatives from MADD (mooses against drunk deer). I know the moose is sorrowful, and you can see the embarrassment on his face, but to the moose I say keep your chin up, no matter how bad it looked or how bad the hangover, you never looked as bad as this:
Friday, September 2, 2011
Toeing the line
Feet, we all have them(or unfortunately used to have them) unless your one of those rare no feet babies that were born, in which case I make no apologies for rubbing in the fact that I was born with two working feet, what are you gonna do about it? It's not like you can stand up for yourself. It seems like everywhere I turned this week there were stories about feet, so if your one of those people that really enjoy the foot, I hope you will be satisfied, cause this one is for all you pediphiles out there.
*Note-these are not the actual headline titles, but they would be if I controlled the media............soon...........very soon*
Who needs toes when you have Massive Balls
We all take our toes for granted, it's not like we wake up everyday, look down and say "Ahhhhh, there they are, all the little piggies still in a row." In fact if you do do this you've probably never seen the toes or any other body part of the opposite gender, OR you've had something slipped in your drink, like time I left my tea unattended at work, in case your wondering how many times you can count your toes before you come down off something, the answer is 546.......and a half. You know who doesn't take his toes for granted, Jon Hutt, a 61 year old man from Colorado, who while gathering firewood had a 7 ton trailer fall on his foot. Now this is pain I can't imagine........and I once imagined a moose sticking his head through my window and saying hello to me in French(was actually a dream, but it's all imagination). Hutt did what most people would do, and scream uncontrollably for help, but after a half hour he realized that no one could hear him and Lassie probably wasn't coming so he said screw this and took out his trusty pocket knife. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone of the little piggies until his foot was free, he went on to say that getting through the smaller toes was easy, but it was difficult to get through the tendons of the big toes.............and the knife had started to get dull. I hate cutting chicken at work with a dull knife, let alone setting it lose on my feet, plus I have massive big toes, I mean they would require a crosscut saw to get those things off. Not only did he cut his toes off, he PROCEEDED TO DRIVE THE SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER UNTIL HE COULD GET HELP. McDonald's restaurants have now closed their playpens because they do not have as much balls as this man. So the next time you think to yourself "Old people are useless.......look at them sitting there all wrinkly" look down at your feet and your working toes, you couldn't do what he did.....pansies.
You know what they say about a province with Big Feet
So apparently there's a Bigfoot in Alberta, not just one, but like 40 or 50 of them, so if your scoring at home that means the population of Alberta is 90 percent Newfoundlanders, 7 percent Bigfoot, and 3 percent Albertans. This comes from a man named Todd Standing, who may be a liar as I believe he was sitting down during the interview, who says he has photographic proof that there are Big Feet in Alberta. Now having never seen a Samsquanch(trademark Bubbles) outside of the brutally sad side mission of Undead Nightmare, I am highly skeptical as I am with most things. I mean it could be any number of things, maybe he meant the old Big Foot candies, maybe it was a Polish woman he saw, or maybe he's just trying for attention. I do know one thing, we might not see a Bigfoot, but with all the claims of crackpot that are going to be coming in we are gonna see a lot of Todd Standing up for himself.
8 feet by.......WTF
Police in Vancouver were called to a Marina on Tuesday after a severed foot and parts of a legbone, still in running shoe, were discovered floating in the water. This is the eighth foot that has washed up on the BC shore since 2007. I guess a cop being on foot patrol in BC has a totally different meaning from everywhere else. Eight feet is a lot of feet, to put it in perspective, if it were an octopus it would just be a pus now. In total 11 feet have been recovered from the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure where 2 of them were but I think another was recovered from Roberto Luongo's mouth after the Stanley cup playoffs. Police are baffled by the continued appearance of random feet, and are disappointed they can't even get a good matching pair of shoes, with one officer saying "I have 5 kids, why buy sneakers when a perfectly good pair might wash up someday.....sure it would be weird coming from a severed foot but Febreeze will take that right out" I have every confidence the police will but their best food forward, I just hope it's not a shark doing it, good luck putting the cuffs on that.
*Update-the Police have set up a hotline for any knowledge people my have, if your calling about the missing feet, talk to Jody (I know of two people who will get that reference)
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