The Christmas season is a busy time, there are gifts to be bought, decorations to be put up, eggs to be nogged, Jewish people to be laughed at, and when it's all said and done and you go back to work or school, it's always the same question, how was your Christmas? I have been asked this question a number of times after my mini vacation, and I gave the usual response "It was good"..."Yeah Santa was great"......"it was quiet just how I like it." They all nod and smile, glad I had a good holiday, but if only they knew the real truth of how my holiday was spent. I think it's time to reveal the rather interesting set of events that occurred over this past yule tide season.
My story actually begins a couple of weeks before Christmas day, the time had come to contribute my share to the inflated Christmas economy and so I loaded up my credit card and set out to the mall in search of gifts for the family. It had started out like a normal day, Christmas music blaring over the intercom, people busy hustling and bustling from store to store, a big giant talking tree encouraging people to leave him gifts, stores..........wait what......what is that gigantic tree doing in the middle of the mall, and why were these people eagerly laying gifts at it's base. It appeared this evil demigod had some sort of hold over the patrons of the mall, with his large cold dead eyes and big gaping mouth, the people seemed to fear him, as his gaze moved from side to side and he let out a giant bellow, more and more the people laid these treasures at his feet.
Reeling from the sight of the giant beast I began to inquire around about what I had just seen, one patron said it was the Happy Tree, no doubt calling it that as to not incur the wrath of this demonic idol. He also explained that every year around this time people showered the tree with gifts which were given to poor families and kids. This all sounded well and good to me but as a cynic I knew the truth. These terrified people were giving these gifts so the tree would not eat the souls of their children. I have watched enough movies to know a good sacrifice when I see one, and I also know that there has to be someone to help the poor villagers..........and that someone was me. I eagerly downed the last drop of my Tim Horton's French vanilla and marched up to this monstrous pine cone, staring it right in it's evil eyes I threw my empty cup at him and screamed "There's your sacrifice, now go back to your woods and leave these families alone."
All around me people stood shocked, their mouths wide open over what they had just seen. "Don't worry, your safe now, this giant tree will harm you no more" I said to them, and just then it hit me.........not an epiphany but a large gift, a box had come flying at me almost knocking me to the ground, when I turned around I see the tree staring a hole through me and smiling the evilest smile I had ever seen. This fight wasn't over, I would let him think he won but I would escape to the intermission to formulate my plan. I needed to destroy this so called Happy Tree, I figured the simplest way would be to destroy it would be to light it on fire but as I was purchasing a pack of matches to do just that a giant bear appeared next to me, this was no strange bear for I recognized the hat, and the uniform, and then he said his famous catchphrase "Only you can prevent forest fires" once again Smokey the Bear's calm nature had shown me the way, as I shook his paw and thanked him for his wisdom he said "Hey you gotta smoke to sell me." It turns out the Smokey the bear is some sketchy fifty year old guy, this was truly a weird day indeed.
Time was running out, I needed to find a way to cut this tree down to size, tear him limb from limb, a tree was gonna fall and everyone was gonna hear it. With my courage up I grabbed the closest Axe to me, and as the lady behind the counter screamed that I had to pay for that body wash I ran to meet my foe. I stormed down the escalators and and stormed into his evil village. This tree would find out that my bite was worse then his bark as I held noting back, I chopped and slashed with all my might and as he was rocking back and fourth I stopped, and in my best action hero voice said "Timber" and the mighty tree fell to the ground crushing all the presents that lay beside him. Turning around I couldn't wait to be embraced by all the thankful people that had felt the wrath of their cruel master, but to my surprise I had not gotten the reaction I expected. I turned to them and screamed "Your free now, your kids souls belong to them" and something about basking in my greatness, then it hit me......no not an epiphany this time either....a fist.........then another fist.........then a foot.........these villagers were attacking me, but why? I had saved them.
As it turns out there is such a thing as a Happy tree, and they really do donate gifts to poor families, or they did, when there was a gifts, and a tree. So the real answer to how I spent my Christmas, well it really was rather quiet, I didn't go out much mostly because of the people brandishing pitchforks and torches, though it did light up the street nicely, and my house even won the best Christmas lights contest. Also you'd be surprised how peaceful the sound of carolers throwing eggs at your house while they sing their Christmas carols can be, halfway through silver bells I was out like a baby. In case your wondering what became of the tree, well let's just say that I won't be able to get into my living room for a while.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
You'd butter not pout
Butter.....
We all take it for granted, we always just assume that it will be there when we open the refrigerator door, waiting to be added to things to make them more delicious; but what if you woke up one day and the butter was gone, what if you had to go from I can't believe it's not butter to I can't believe it's not there, melted away as if it was left in the heat too long. Now you probably think this could never happen in a million years.......or you could be from Norway and reading this crying into your own unbuttered popcorn. If your reading this and wondering what the hell I'm talking about A) you have never read this blog before and B) you haven't heard that Norway is apparently drastically low on butter.
Unlike the dairy product, word began spreading recently that there wasn't enough butter to meet the high demand of the low carb diet crazed Norwegians. I asked myself how could a place run out of butter? Have they followed the advice of Bart Simpson and they simply don't have cows man? But no apparently they do have cows, but apparently it rains a lot in Norway, and not just bullets either, actual rain which damages the feed quality, so for any of you wondering if cows are picky eaters, the answer is apparently yes.
It has gotten to the point where store owners are rationing butter, I assume taking diligent notes as there is a close margarine of error when it comes to who gets what and how much. It has gotten so bad butter is now the number one thing sold by drug dealers on the street corners of Oslo, the dealers get hounded by hungry people just waiting to have home cooked meals like they are used to. Police keep trying to crack down on the oleo pushers but they just cover themselves in it making it easier to slip through the cracks. Widespread panic has covered the land, people choking on dry unflavored popcorn, when one person suggested using peanut butter, he was chased with sticks and forced to live in Finland. Black metal radio stations play song after song about the dairy strife. The band Mayhem's song "The Devil steals your butter to rape babies" is now the number one song in the entire place.
I'm not one to overreact but this butter thing could be a scary situation. I mean think about it, Norway suffering from a lack of butter means not enough butter on baked potatoes, so they stopped eating them, all of a sudden Norway stops getting potatoes from Ireland causing another potato famine. No potatoes means no whiskey gets made, no whiskey means nobody getting as drunk as much. Less drunk people mean less dates for ugly people, which means less people having babies, sending the population into a sharp decline until all that is left are Cher and cockroaches. So this year for Christmas, do something special, buy an extra tub of butter, or you really fat people buy an extra extra tub of butter and send it to our Norwegian friends, and give them a Dairy Christmas.
Bear's Corner: Hi everyone, just a tip to all the hungry dogs out there, is it not time for fe
eding yet? are you hungry but don't want to spoil your supper? have a nice light snack of pillow stuffing or drywall........I find that a little nibble here and there keeps Mr. Hunger away. Until next time I'm Bear and that's my Paws for thought.
We all take it for granted, we always just assume that it will be there when we open the refrigerator door, waiting to be added to things to make them more delicious; but what if you woke up one day and the butter was gone, what if you had to go from I can't believe it's not butter to I can't believe it's not there, melted away as if it was left in the heat too long. Now you probably think this could never happen in a million years.......or you could be from Norway and reading this crying into your own unbuttered popcorn. If your reading this and wondering what the hell I'm talking about A) you have never read this blog before and B) you haven't heard that Norway is apparently drastically low on butter.
Unlike the dairy product, word began spreading recently that there wasn't enough butter to meet the high demand of the low carb diet crazed Norwegians. I asked myself how could a place run out of butter? Have they followed the advice of Bart Simpson and they simply don't have cows man? But no apparently they do have cows, but apparently it rains a lot in Norway, and not just bullets either, actual rain which damages the feed quality, so for any of you wondering if cows are picky eaters, the answer is apparently yes.
It has gotten to the point where store owners are rationing butter, I assume taking diligent notes as there is a close margarine of error when it comes to who gets what and how much. It has gotten so bad butter is now the number one thing sold by drug dealers on the street corners of Oslo, the dealers get hounded by hungry people just waiting to have home cooked meals like they are used to. Police keep trying to crack down on the oleo pushers but they just cover themselves in it making it easier to slip through the cracks. Widespread panic has covered the land, people choking on dry unflavored popcorn, when one person suggested using peanut butter, he was chased with sticks and forced to live in Finland. Black metal radio stations play song after song about the dairy strife. The band Mayhem's song "The Devil steals your butter to rape babies" is now the number one song in the entire place.
I'm not one to overreact but this butter thing could be a scary situation. I mean think about it, Norway suffering from a lack of butter means not enough butter on baked potatoes, so they stopped eating them, all of a sudden Norway stops getting potatoes from Ireland causing another potato famine. No potatoes means no whiskey gets made, no whiskey means nobody getting as drunk as much. Less drunk people mean less dates for ugly people, which means less people having babies, sending the population into a sharp decline until all that is left are Cher and cockroaches. So this year for Christmas, do something special, buy an extra tub of butter, or you really fat people buy an extra extra tub of butter and send it to our Norwegian friends, and give them a Dairy Christmas.
Bear's Corner: Hi everyone, just a tip to all the hungry dogs out there, is it not time for fe
eding yet? are you hungry but don't want to spoil your supper? have a nice light snack of pillow stuffing or drywall........I find that a little nibble here and there keeps Mr. Hunger away. Until next time I'm Bear and that's my Paws for thought.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Jesus vs Santa Claus: Who's the real reason for the season
Vs
Throughout the decades and decades of Christmas, one question has been the most topic of debate, who would win a fight between Santa Claus and Jesus H. Christ. Would Santa's (toy)sack be big enough to put Jesus away in a manger for good? Or would the holiest of holies pull out another miracle. Now Jesus hasn't had a battle since his epic encounter with the Easter bunny so there may be some ring rust, and well Santa is used to spending all year training for one important night, so it could be any man's match, let's go backstage to our celebrity interviewer Frosty the Snowman:
*camera pans to a puddle of water*
Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*
Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.
*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*
Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.
After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.
As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.
Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see
*camera pans to a puddle of water*
Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*
Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.
*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*
Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.
After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.
As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.
Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)