Vs
Throughout the decades and decades of Christmas, one question has been the most topic of debate, who would win a fight between Santa Claus and Jesus H. Christ. Would Santa's (toy)sack be big enough to put Jesus away in a manger for good? Or would the holiest of holies pull out another miracle. Now Jesus hasn't had a battle since his epic encounter with the Easter bunny so there may be some ring rust, and well Santa is used to spending all year training for one important night, so it could be any man's match, let's go backstage to our celebrity interviewer Frosty the Snowman:
*camera pans to a puddle of water*
Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*
Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.
*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*
Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.
After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.
As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.
Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see
*camera pans to a puddle of water*
Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*
Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.
*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*
Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.
After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.
As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.
Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see
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