The Christmas season is a busy time, there are gifts to be bought, decorations to be put up, eggs to be nogged, Jewish people to be laughed at, and when it's all said and done and you go back to work or school, it's always the same question, how was your Christmas? I have been asked this question a number of times after my mini vacation, and I gave the usual response "It was good"..."Yeah Santa was great"......"it was quiet just how I like it." They all nod and smile, glad I had a good holiday, but if only they knew the real truth of how my holiday was spent. I think it's time to reveal the rather interesting set of events that occurred over this past yule tide season.
My story actually begins a couple of weeks before Christmas day, the time had come to contribute my share to the inflated Christmas economy and so I loaded up my credit card and set out to the mall in search of gifts for the family. It had started out like a normal day, Christmas music blaring over the intercom, people busy hustling and bustling from store to store, a big giant talking tree encouraging people to leave him gifts, stores..........wait what......what is that gigantic tree doing in the middle of the mall, and why were these people eagerly laying gifts at it's base. It appeared this evil demigod had some sort of hold over the patrons of the mall, with his large cold dead eyes and big gaping mouth, the people seemed to fear him, as his gaze moved from side to side and he let out a giant bellow, more and more the people laid these treasures at his feet.
Reeling from the sight of the giant beast I began to inquire around about what I had just seen, one patron said it was the Happy Tree, no doubt calling it that as to not incur the wrath of this demonic idol. He also explained that every year around this time people showered the tree with gifts which were given to poor families and kids. This all sounded well and good to me but as a cynic I knew the truth. These terrified people were giving these gifts so the tree would not eat the souls of their children. I have watched enough movies to know a good sacrifice when I see one, and I also know that there has to be someone to help the poor villagers..........and that someone was me. I eagerly downed the last drop of my Tim Horton's French vanilla and marched up to this monstrous pine cone, staring it right in it's evil eyes I threw my empty cup at him and screamed "There's your sacrifice, now go back to your woods and leave these families alone."
All around me people stood shocked, their mouths wide open over what they had just seen. "Don't worry, your safe now, this giant tree will harm you no more" I said to them, and just then it hit me.........not an epiphany but a large gift, a box had come flying at me almost knocking me to the ground, when I turned around I see the tree staring a hole through me and smiling the evilest smile I had ever seen. This fight wasn't over, I would let him think he won but I would escape to the intermission to formulate my plan. I needed to destroy this so called Happy Tree, I figured the simplest way would be to destroy it would be to light it on fire but as I was purchasing a pack of matches to do just that a giant bear appeared next to me, this was no strange bear for I recognized the hat, and the uniform, and then he said his famous catchphrase "Only you can prevent forest fires" once again Smokey the Bear's calm nature had shown me the way, as I shook his paw and thanked him for his wisdom he said "Hey you gotta smoke to sell me." It turns out the Smokey the bear is some sketchy fifty year old guy, this was truly a weird day indeed.
Time was running out, I needed to find a way to cut this tree down to size, tear him limb from limb, a tree was gonna fall and everyone was gonna hear it. With my courage up I grabbed the closest Axe to me, and as the lady behind the counter screamed that I had to pay for that body wash I ran to meet my foe. I stormed down the escalators and and stormed into his evil village. This tree would find out that my bite was worse then his bark as I held noting back, I chopped and slashed with all my might and as he was rocking back and fourth I stopped, and in my best action hero voice said "Timber" and the mighty tree fell to the ground crushing all the presents that lay beside him. Turning around I couldn't wait to be embraced by all the thankful people that had felt the wrath of their cruel master, but to my surprise I had not gotten the reaction I expected. I turned to them and screamed "Your free now, your kids souls belong to them" and something about basking in my greatness, then it hit me......no not an epiphany this time either....a fist.........then another fist.........then a foot.........these villagers were attacking me, but why? I had saved them.
As it turns out there is such a thing as a Happy tree, and they really do donate gifts to poor families, or they did, when there was a gifts, and a tree. So the real answer to how I spent my Christmas, well it really was rather quiet, I didn't go out much mostly because of the people brandishing pitchforks and torches, though it did light up the street nicely, and my house even won the best Christmas lights contest. Also you'd be surprised how peaceful the sound of carolers throwing eggs at your house while they sing their Christmas carols can be, halfway through silver bells I was out like a baby. In case your wondering what became of the tree, well let's just say that I won't be able to get into my living room for a while.
No comments:
Post a Comment