Toeing the line

Feet, we all have them(or unfortunately used to have them) unless your one of those rare no feet babies that were born, in which case I make no apologies for rubbing in the fact that I was born with two working feet, what are you gonna do about it? It's not like you can stand up for yourself. It seems like everywhere I turned this week there were stories about feet, so if your one of those people that really enjoy the foot, I hope you will be satisfied, cause this one is for all you pediphiles out there.

*Note-these are not the actual headline titles, but they would be if I controlled the media............soon...........very soon*

Who needs toes when you have Massive Balls

We all take our toes for granted, it's not like we wake up everyday, look down and say "Ahhhhh, there they are, all the little piggies still in a row." In fact if you do do this you've probably never seen the toes or any other body part of the opposite gender, OR you've had something slipped in your drink, like time I left my tea unattended at work, in case your wondering how many times you can count your toes before you come down off something, the answer is 546.......and a half. You know who doesn't take his toes for granted, Jon Hutt, a 61 year old man from Colorado, who while gathering firewood had a 7 ton trailer fall on his foot. Now this is pain I can't imagine........and I once imagined a moose sticking his head through my window and saying hello to me in French(was actually a dream, but it's all imagination). Hutt did what most people would do, and scream uncontrollably for help, but after a half hour he realized that no one could hear him and Lassie probably wasn't coming so he said screw this and took out his trusty pocket knife. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone of the little piggies until his foot was free, he went on to say that getting through the smaller toes was easy, but it was difficult to get through the tendons of the big toes.............and the knife had started to get dull. I hate cutting chicken at work with a dull knife, let alone setting it lose on my feet, plus I have massive big toes, I mean they would require a crosscut saw to get those things off. Not only did he cut his toes off, he PROCEEDED TO DRIVE THE SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER UNTIL HE COULD GET HELP. McDonald's restaurants have now closed their playpens because they do not have as much balls as this man. So the next time you think to yourself "Old people are useless.......look at them sitting there all wrinkly" look down at your feet and your working toes, you couldn't do what he did.....pansies.

You know what they say about a province with Big Feet

So apparently there's a Bigfoot in Alberta, not just one, but like 40 or 50 of them, so if your scoring at home that means the population of Alberta is 90 percent Newfoundlanders, 7 percent Bigfoot, and 3 percent Albertans. This comes from a man named Todd Standing, who may be a liar as I believe he was sitting down during the interview, who says he has photographic proof that there are Big Feet in Alberta. Now having never seen a Samsquanch(trademark Bubbles) outside of the brutally sad side mission of Undead Nightmare, I am highly skeptical as I am with most things. I mean it could be any number of things, maybe he meant the old Big Foot candies, maybe it was a Polish woman he saw, or maybe he's just trying for attention. I do know one thing, we might not see a Bigfoot, but with all the claims of crackpot that are going to be coming in we are gonna see a lot of Todd Standing up for himself.

8 feet by.......WTF

Police in Vancouver were called to a Marina on Tuesday after a severed foot and parts of a legbone, still in running shoe, were discovered floating in the water. This is the eighth foot that has washed up on the BC shore since 2007. I guess a cop being on foot patrol in BC has a totally different meaning from everywhere else. Eight feet is a lot of feet, to put it in perspective, if it were an octopus it would just be a pus now. In total 11 feet have been recovered from the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure where 2 of them were but I think another was recovered from Roberto Luongo's mouth after the Stanley cup playoffs. Police are baffled by the continued appearance of random feet, and are disappointed they can't even get a good matching pair of shoes, with one officer saying "I have 5 kids, why buy sneakers when a perfectly good pair might wash up someday.....sure it would be weird coming from a severed foot but Febreeze will take that right out" I have every confidence the police will but their best food forward, I just hope it's not a shark doing it, good luck putting the cuffs on that.

*Update-the Police have set up a hotline for any knowledge people my have, if your calling about the missing feet, talk to Jody (I know of two people who will get that reference)