Break out the Tim Horton's and the beer, it looks like somebody's got a birthday. That's right, today our country of Canada turns 143 years old, putting her right up there with the Queen of England and Keith Richards. Today is the day when Canadians all across the country unite to celebrate our nation, right before they go back to complaining about it the next day, this year the festivities haven't been just a one day event, people in Toronto have been going nuts all week, smashing things, lighting cop cars on fire, they might not be able to hold their booze, but apparently those guys can party. There has been a lot of complaining about the ways the people of Toronto celebrate, but give them a break, it's not like they are ever gonna get to that for a celebration of one of their sports team, so let them go wild. Today, since it is the birth of the place we call home I'd like to give her a little tribute, take a look back at her life, and some of the major happenings.
Canada has changed a lot from it's humble beginnings, it started out merely as a place full of natives sitting around doing nothing, okay I guess some parts of Canada stayed the same, but then the white man cometh, and the white man taketh away. It's like Canada was there was the Native people's favorite restaurant, and all of a sudden they just stopped taking reservations(ba dum ching) and they withered under the powerful grasp of whitey, ironically some years later we devoted a railroad to stopping just that very thing in America. Then there was the time we burned down the white house, yeah we did that, for the longest time I believe it was the only physical harm ever done to the white house, until Barack Obama started raising the roof there on a daily basis.
..........And then for a long time nothing happened
Then some guy got accused of treason, sure he may have been a treacherous man but I think it's cause the people couldn't deal with what he was laying down, say what you want about the man but Louis kept it Riel. Then Canada went to war, and we fought bravely, then we decided we didn't like war, but we didn't mind supervising, so we started peacekeeping, using soothing words instead of weapons, and letting our aggression be taken out by hitting spheres of rubber with wooden sticks, and fighting not cause it made sense but it made the game more exciting, and you got to sit in that little box. Some years later the province of Quebec started feeling like Jan Brady and wanted to leave, months of suspense lead up to a big referendum asking the same question as the Clash did, should I stay or should I go? After all the fuss the only thing that ended up leaving was their hockey team, and we stayed a nation intact, enjoying the influx of poutine and maple syrup.
As Canada gets older I'm sure she will look back and reflect at the times she's had. Sure she's not perfect, she's had men lead her astray, but always clung to them thinking that they could change. She gets poked fun at a lot, and from one end of the country to the other people walk all over her, it seems like the only time people know her anthem is during the playoffs, but as she looks back would she really change anything. The more she thinks of it the more she thinks that there are probably a few things she could change, some things she could do without, such as:
Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Brian Williams, Celine Dion, Jean Chretian, Wayne Gretzky's spotlight stealing leech of a father, Mike Duffy, Celine Dion, Rita McNeil( that's gotta drop a couple of hundred pounds there) Winnipeg, Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, the Vancouver Grizzlies(oh wait) Ryan Reynolds, Celine Dion, Fred Penner, the Saskatoon Naval reserve, Stephen Harper, Corey Hart( he can join his career in obscurity) and lastly....Celine Dion.
So tonight be sure to celebrate Canada's birthday by blowing up a little piece of it, but treat her with some respect, she's old, and sometimes senile. And to all Americans, happy birthday to your country on Sunday, sure you may think your the best place in the world, but our birthday is first, so we got all the good presents.
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