Tree of Woe

The Christmas season is a busy time, there are gifts to be bought, decorations to be put up, eggs to be nogged, Jewish people to be laughed at, and when it's all said and done and you go back to work or school, it's always the same question, how was your Christmas? I have been asked this question a number of times after my mini vacation, and I gave the usual response "It was good"..."Yeah Santa was great"......"it was quiet just how I like it." They all nod and smile, glad I had a good holiday, but if only they knew the real truth of how my holiday was spent. I think it's time to reveal the rather interesting set of events that occurred over this past yule tide season.

My story actually begins a couple of weeks before Christmas day, the time had come to contribute my share to the inflated Christmas economy and so I loaded up my credit card and set out to the mall in search of gifts for the family. It had started out like a normal day, Christmas music blaring over the intercom, people busy hustling and bustling from store to store, a big giant talking tree encouraging people to leave him gifts, stores..........wait what......what is that gigantic tree doing in the middle of the mall, and why were these people eagerly laying gifts at it's base. It appeared this evil demigod had some sort of hold over the patrons of the mall, with his large cold dead eyes and big gaping mouth, the people seemed to fear him, as his gaze moved from side to side and he let out a giant bellow, more and more the people laid these treasures at his feet.

Reeling from the sight of the giant beast I began to inquire around about what I had just seen, one patron said it was the Happy Tree, no doubt calling it that as to not incur the wrath of this demonic idol. He also explained that every year around this time people showered the tree with gifts which were given to poor families and kids. This all sounded well and good to me but as a cynic I knew the truth. These terrified people were giving these gifts so the tree would not eat the souls of their children. I have watched enough movies to know a good sacrifice when I see one, and I also know that there has to be someone to help the poor villagers..........and that someone was me. I eagerly downed the last drop of my Tim Horton's French vanilla and marched up to this monstrous pine cone, staring it right in it's evil eyes I threw my empty cup at him and screamed "There's your sacrifice, now go back to your woods and leave these families alone."

All around me people stood shocked, their mouths wide open over what they had just seen. "Don't worry, your safe now, this giant tree will harm you no more" I said to them, and just then it hit me.........not an epiphany but a large gift, a box had come flying at me almost knocking me to the ground, when I turned around I see the tree staring a hole through me and smiling the evilest smile I had ever seen. This fight wasn't over, I would let him think he won but I would escape to the intermission to formulate my plan. I needed to destroy this so called Happy Tree, I figured the simplest way would be to destroy it would be to light it on fire but as I was purchasing a pack of matches to do just that a giant bear appeared next to me, this was no strange bear for I recognized the hat, and the uniform, and then he said his famous catchphrase "Only you can prevent forest fires" once again Smokey the Bear's calm nature had shown me the way, as I shook his paw and thanked him for his wisdom he said "Hey you gotta smoke to sell me." It turns out the Smokey the bear is some sketchy fifty year old guy, this was truly a weird day indeed.

Time was running out, I needed to find a way to cut this tree down to size, tear him limb from limb, a tree was gonna fall and everyone was gonna hear it. With my courage up I grabbed the closest Axe to me, and as the lady behind the counter screamed that I had to pay for that body wash I ran to meet my foe. I stormed down the escalators and and stormed into his evil village. This tree would find out that my bite was worse then his bark as I held noting back, I chopped and slashed with all my might and as he was rocking back and fourth I stopped, and in my best action hero voice said "Timber" and the mighty tree fell to the ground crushing all the presents that lay beside him. Turning around I couldn't wait to be embraced by all the thankful people that had felt the wrath of their cruel master, but to my surprise I had not gotten the reaction I expected. I turned to them and screamed "Your free now, your kids souls belong to them" and something about basking in my greatness, then it hit me......no not an epiphany this time either....a fist.........then another fist.........then a foot.........these villagers were attacking me, but why? I had saved them.

As it turns out there is such a thing as a Happy tree, and they really do donate gifts to poor families, or they did, when there was a gifts, and a tree. So the real answer to how I spent my Christmas, well it really was rather quiet, I didn't go out much mostly because of the people brandishing pitchforks and torches, though it did light up the street nicely, and my house even won the best Christmas lights contest. Also you'd be surprised how peaceful the sound of carolers throwing eggs at your house while they sing their Christmas carols can be, halfway through silver bells I was out like a baby. In case your wondering what became of the tree, well let's just say that I won't be able to get into my living room for a while.

You'd butter not pout

Butter.....


We all take it for granted, we always just assume that it will be there when we open the refrigerator door, waiting to be added to things to make them more delicious; but what if you woke up one day and the butter was gone, what if you had to go from I can't believe it's not butter to I can't believe it's not there, melted away as if it was left in the heat too long. Now you probably think this could never happen in a million years.......or you could be from Norway and reading this crying into your own unbuttered popcorn. If your reading this and wondering what the hell I'm talking about A) you have never read this blog before and B) you haven't heard that Norway is apparently drastically low on butter.

Unlike the dairy product, word began spreading recently that there wasn't enough butter to meet the high demand of the low carb diet crazed Norwegians. I asked myself how could a place run out of butter? Have they followed the advice of Bart Simpson and they simply don't have cows man? But no apparently they do have cows, but apparently it rains a lot in Norway, and not just bullets either, actual rain which damages the feed quality, so for any of you wondering if cows are picky eaters, the answer is apparently yes.

It has gotten to the point where store owners are rationing butter, I assume taking diligent notes as there is a close margarine of error when it comes to who gets what and how much. It has gotten so bad butter is now the number one thing sold by drug dealers on the street corners of Oslo, the dealers get hounded by hungry people just waiting to have home cooked meals like they are used to. Police keep trying to crack down on the oleo pushers but they just cover themselves in it making it easier to slip through the cracks. Widespread panic has covered the land, people choking on dry unflavored popcorn, when one person suggested using peanut butter, he was chased with sticks and forced to live in Finland. Black metal radio stations play song after song about the dairy strife. The band Mayhem's song "The Devil steals your butter to rape babies" is now the number one song in the entire place.

I'm not one to overreact but this butter thing could be a scary situation. I mean think about it, Norway suffering from a lack of butter means not enough butter on baked potatoes, so they stopped eating them, all of a sudden Norway stops getting potatoes from Ireland causing another potato famine. No potatoes means no whiskey gets made, no whiskey means nobody getting as drunk as much. Less drunk people mean less dates for ugly people, which means less people having babies, sending the population into a sharp decline until all that is left are Cher and cockroaches. So this year for Christmas, do something special, buy an extra tub of butter, or you really fat people buy an extra extra tub of butter and send it to our Norwegian friends, and give them a Dairy Christmas.


Bear's Corner: Hi everyone, just a tip to all the hungry dogs out there, is it not time for feeding yet? are you hungry but don't want to spoil your supper? have a nice light snack of pillow stuffing or drywall........I find that a little nibble here and there keeps Mr. Hunger away. Until next time I'm Bear and that's my Paws for thought.

Jesus vs Santa Claus: Who's the real reason for the season

Vs

Throughout the decades and decades of Christmas, one question has been the most topic of debate, who would win a fight between Santa Claus and Jesus H. Christ. Would Santa's (toy)sack be big enough to put Jesus away in a manger for good? Or would the holiest of holies pull out another miracle. Now Jesus hasn't had a battle since his epic encounter with the Easter bunny so there may be some ring rust, and well Santa is used to spending all year training for one important night, so it could be any man's match, let's go backstage to our celebrity interviewer Frosty the Snowman:

*camera pans to a puddle of water*

Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*

Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.

*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*

Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.

After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.

As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.

Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see

A day in the life of Bear and Mika

Having a dog is a great deal of responsibility, it's like having a child only more fun and they won't ever grow up to talk back to you. I mean if it ever came down to adopting a dog or a child, the dog would win paws down, especially if it was up against one of those Unicef children, I mean sure in both commercials the dogs and the children look sad but at least the dogs look clean. Anywho, my roomate Jeff and I both have young dogs, and since we work a lot of hours we often to have to leave them in the kennels for extended periods of time, they accept their fate, content to go in there with their chew toys and sleep the day away until they it's time for their freedom. I always wonder what they are up to when we are gone, and if they could talk what would they talk about? Perhaps it would be something like this.

Bear: Psst.............pssst........Mika..............you awake?

Mika: I am now, what do you want?

Bear: What did you get today?

Mika: Tire, you?

Bear: Tennis ball?

Mika: Sweet, how does it taste today?

Bear: Good, not as good as the stuffing from the pillow, but good?

Mika: Oh man that's the good stuff, I loves me some stuffing

Bear: Agreed *sigh*

Mika: Dude, what's the matter?

Bear: Did you ever wonder what it all means?

Mika: What does what mean?

Bear: Life, what are we here for? Are you listening to me?

Mika: Sorry I was sniffing my butt, isn't it great that we can do that and our dad's can't?

Bear: Yeah it totally is, but we should be worried about more then our butts, I mean in this age of socioeconomic turmoil, where democracies are crumbling and foreclosures are rampant, how are we supposed to feel good about the future?

Mika: You have got to stop watching CNN

Bear: What's CNN?

Mika: You know on television

Bear: What's television?

Mika: The big black thing we see those two dogs that look like us in sometimes

Bear: Oh yeah, I hate those dogs, who do they think they are?

Mika: I don't know, the one who looks like me is cute, the one who looks like you is just fat

Bear: I told you stop with the fat jokes, I'd bite you so hard if I could get over there now

Mika: You don't have the balls

Bear: I TOLD YOU THEY WERE CUT OUT, THAT'S IT YOUR GONNA GET IT WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Mika: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.......wait we gotta be good our dad's won't like hearing we were barking so much, we cool bro?

Bear: Yeah we're cool

Mika: Anyway, to answer your question, the humans are a resilient people, sure they fight each other for territory and resources, but they always persevere, they will pull through like they always do, now as to your point about economic turmoil, it is just a down period, what is known as a recession, as the population grows and the resources dwindle it becomes harder for the supply to meet the demand, and the economy goes into a tailspin, it's a vicious cycle and I personally blame the fact that there is a black man in office.

Bear: Do you have to be so racist? Besides how do you know he is black? We can't even see colors

Mika: Oh yeah, guess I must have heard it somewhere

Bear: Do you think if things get too bad, they will run out of food and have to eat us?

Mika: Nah, I can't see that happening, why eat dog when you can eat those hamburger things?

Bear: I hear they eat dogs in Korea

Mika: Dude, that's not true, Korean's don't even exist, besides I don't think people will ever run out of food, I've seen a lot of big people lately, I don't know who slobbers more, me or them.

Bear: Yeah I guess your right, thanks for the talk, we should probably sleep till our dad's get home

Mika: You can sleep, I've got crotch to lick

Bear: Just don't get your tongue stuck there like you did yesterday

Mika: You never going to let me live that down are you?

Bear: Nope *gasp* I think one of our dad's is coming, quick pretend like we can't talk

Mika: We can't talk, your dad made all this up

Bear: Really? Why would he do that? Is there something wrong with him?

Mika: There might be, but he gives good belly rubs so it's ok

Bear: Agreed, well I'm going to sleep, talk to you later

Mika: You mean NOT talk to me later right *wink*

Bear: Oh right, *wink wink*

That's news to me

Hello everyone, I haven't been on here in a while, I took a trip to lovely British Columbia to stay in the Fortress of Verisimilitude, I saw wondrous things there such as a patent for the question mark, and did you know there is such a thing as a semi-colon?(tm HTWAVCBH). British Columbia is a beautiful province, even if you get the feeling that a Bruce Lee movie is gonna break out any second, but far be it from me to speak ill of a province where the Tim Horton's all have English Toffee, and I also discovered the wonder that is a pumpkin scone, but more on that in the future. While I was away I managed to keep up on some of the news that is going on at home, and around the globe, here are some things that caught my eye, and since I have a wonky right eye, you know they are important. Oh, and before I forget, to the WestJet worker who stole my brother's video camera on his trip home, I hope you get herpes, actually I hope you get the next worse thing from herpes, super herpes.

It seems the popular thing to do is occupy places, it started off with Wall Street, and now it seems everybody is taking up space. Here in Newfoundland it is no different, as a group of protesters who strangely enough already live in St. John's held an occupy St. John's protest. Organizers were thrilled at the turnout until they discovered that the majority of people were just there to try and find the last treasure map for the Hits 99 ten thousand dollar radio contest.

While I was away our province went to the polls and voted in majority favor for the status quo. There are not many places in the world that have a woman in charge, and with Kathy Dunderdale Newfoundland is pretty darn close to being on that list. I was surprised the New Democratic Party only got five seats, I guess their wave of momentum has ended, they should have done what I suggested and changed their party slogan to "NDP: Jack Layton." The Liberal party finished second with six seats, which really shows you how the mighty have fallen, I mean even most vans can fit six people these days, so it should be good when they have to carpool. The plus being that it's good for the environment, the negative being if the van broke down the house would have to be closed because there would be no opposition. Whatever happened to the powerhouse Liberals of back in the day? Brian Tobin ruled with an iron fist, and never let anything get in his way, a principle his son carried on to more disastrous results.

A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in the capitol city after a dispute with her boyfriend, now murder is still pretty rare in our neck of the woods, but this makes three I think in the past year. Police officials are asking people not to panic, they are working hard to maintain peace and order and get the crime rate down. They say it will be easier when their best detective Jake is done filming his television show.

Looking now across Canada, or at least across the street which is as far as I can see out the window, when I was in British Columbia there was a story of a young man killed while trying to break up a fight. The suspect was described as a tall black male................95 percent of the NBA is being held for questioning.

In local sports news, our new AHL team the Ice Caps are off to a strong start in their rookie season. Rumor has it if they keep winning they will change their name to the IceCaps Supreme, okay that's a Canadian joke, my readers in Poland ( I checked the stats, there is one, and I figure there is only one computer in Poland so that makes me huge over there) probably wouldn't get it but I will risk it.

That's all the news for this week, to end this report, I offer to you the "readers" of this diary a viewer feedback question: Is it weird when people who have dealt with stalkers want people to follow them on twitter?(TM HTWAVCBH) Just something to think about, email me your thoughts at fgm1002@gmail.com

Fishing for Trouble

If there is one topic I don't know a lot about it's politics......and math...........and women...........and nuclear fission, but I know a shady situation when I see one, and a lot of times politicians are shadier then an elm tree on a hot sunny day. I know the life of a politician isn't always easy, you have this person complaining, that person complaining, having to rob Peter to give to Paul and constantly being under a microscope. The fact that they live under that giant microscope should be enough to make them stop doing dumb things, or at least hide them better. I know the urges are there, after months of campaigning and begging for money like a homeless person outside a Tim Horton's, you finally won, you get control, and the first days in office your giddier then a female when an Adele song comes on the radio, and nothing can stop you only yourself.

Introducing Peter MacKay, Canada's national minister of defence. Did you know that he was once voted Canada's sexiest Member of Parliament from 1999-2007 and again in 2009? Which would be impressive, only have you seen some of the Canadian members of parliament, most of the Parliament members have more rolls then a bakery. Mr. MacKay enjoys two things, fishing and getting out of places fast, so it would make only perfect sense that on a fishing trip last year in Gander he called a search and rescue mission helicopter to come pick him up. Now it's understandable that when somebody is in Gander they want to get out of there as fast as possible, but this seems to be a bit extravagant to me. Newfoundland and Labrador only has 3 search and rescue helicopters, and one of them is remote controlled, so it could have been bad if there had been a real emergency.

Now if you know anything about Peter MacKay's political history, you know he has no trouble riding things he shouldn't *cough*Belinda Stronach* just because he can so it's no surprise that he should use taxpayers money to get from point A to point B. The department of defense in all their wisdom retorted that Peter McKay was just volunteering to be in a training run of the search and rescue mission, which is all well and good only for the exercise was scheduled by his own department and I don't think training exercises work IF THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. Their story had more holes in then this blog has sentence fragments. Maybe other ministers could follow his lead, the minister of Finance could have banks give him money just to see how they sort out transactions. Perhaps the minister of Fisheries could give fishermen less days to fish as an exercise to see how they can eke out a living.....oh wait that happened already.

As I mentioned before, if there had been a real emergency it could have been a sticky situation. Imagine if a boat was stranded at sea, they put in an SOS call but they are told to hang tight cause the minister of defense caught a beaut of a salmon and it has to keep. Apparently it costs around $32, 232 to operate on a Cormorant helicopter for one hour, which is roughly what takes these days to fill up an SUV on gas or buy one concert ticket at Mile One stadium. So the next time your out fishing, and you need to get home whether you left the stove on and your wife is not the kitchen where she should be to turn it off, or your being attacked by a rampant coyote, call the search and rescue team, just hope they don't send the remote control one.

Scarlett Fever

Scarlett Johansson......


The mere mention of that name sends tremors through the loins of the majority of the world's male population. It doesn't matter if your straight, homosexual, bi-sexual or even Republican, there is not a man on this earth who wouldn't tell you she is incredibly attractive. That is why the internet nearly exploded a couple of days ago when someone finally hacked into her personal life revealing photos that she obviously didn't want to be revealed......and the internet rejoiced. It is reported that for the first time in years the World of Warcraft games were virtually deserted, leaving only tumbleweeds roaming through the vast universe. On an unrelated note, congratulations to tumbleweeds for finishing and winning the whole World of Warcraft game.

Johansson was obviously upset, but what did she expect, after all one person's boob picture is another man's treasure; and if a hacker who has the resources even gets a whiff that there is a hint of a possibility of seeing a boob online they are gonna go after it. After all picture boobs make up 98 percent of all their boob contact so they are gonna be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, or Tiger Woods to any woman but his wife(admittedly the Tiger jokes are old now that the only thing higher then is mistress count is his golf score). She should have known that eventually these pictures would come out, that's why God created a delete button(would Helen Keller be the mute button?) so things like this wouldn't get out. If anyone should know the perils of technology it should be an actress in the talking picture business where someone can see you on the big screen, punch a couple of buttons and immediately know almost everything there is to know about you.

In this TMZ age of TMI I don't understand how these celebrities are not more careful. It seems every other week there is another cellphone hacking or some tape that just happened to be discovered. There were apparently pictures of Rihanna leaked, which at least made up for her terrible music, then the other day I thought stumbled across the Paris Hilton tape, One night in Paris, turns out it was the old Fox network alien autopsy show. You never hear of anything like this happening to Megan Fox, you never see any tawdry pictures of her hit the internet, no she prefers to save all her embarrassment into marrying the nerdy guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Sure Megan Fox may have the emotional range and charisma of Astro Boy, but that doesn't mean that the demand is any less to see revealing photos. In fact, I would bet that the team of people trying to hack into that phone outnumbers the number of doctors trying to find a cure for cancer.

In closing, I did see the pictures, but only to maintain journalistic integrity, and I was only on the website to get directions on how to get away from the website. At first I was shocked and angry that someone would invade her privacy like that, and rest assured when I found out the person's name I wrote him a very angry card, just because it was attached to a fruit basket doesn't mean the words will sting any less. I also thought of how far technology has come, and how it's not necessarily good for the world, but in the end it comes down to this, it is because of technology that Justin Bieber is popular, so eventually something good had to happen to balance out that horror.

**Note** all facts are checked by my bearded sidekick, even though his catchphrase "That's a fact Jack" is getting annoying, moreso because he knows my name is not Jack.

Moose on the Juice

There's an old saying that goes animals are people too, well it's either an old saying or I made it up, either one is very possible. Anywho this statement makes a lot of sense to me, most days Bear has more of a personality then I do, and you should see him drive.........if any law enforcement are reading this I meant driving as in playing golf. I mean if you hit an animal does it not cry, if you cut it does it not bleed, if you cook it does it not taste delicious. It seems to me the more time animals spend around humans the easier it is to pick up their habits, whether good or bad. No where is this more true then in Sweden, home of, hands down, the most entertaining moose on the planet. News outlets everywhere reported the other day the story of an errand moose who had eaten one too many fermented apples, possibly after a hard day at the office, and stumbled it's way into a tree, getting stuck in the process. Hey at least it hit a tree and survive, Ryan Dunn couldn't do that.

I think what led to the drunken downfall of the moose was that he forgot the key differences in apple products, clearly forgetting that if it's clear and yella you got juice their fella, and if it's dark and brown your in cider town, now of course here in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped. The moose was discovered by a man just returning home from work after he heard a loud bellowing coming from next door, and at first dismissed it as "someone having a laugh." Now I know not many people care for their neighbors and all but if I was reading a story and saw that my neighbor had said that I sounded like a moose, he'd be drinking too, a pint of my right first followed by a chaser of good ole lefty here.

Police were called to the scene, as the fire dept was only equipped to get cats out of trees apparently, upon their arrival and along with several people, they worked on freeing the massive beast, all the while getting yelled at by the moose to not judge him, and that the people didn't know him, and that he could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Upon freedom from the tree, the police were preparing to issue a breathalyzer test, but they assumed he was pretty drunk after he collapsed like some drunken frat boy after a toga party............do they even still have toga parties any more.............hehehe moose in a toga, oh come on you were thinking it. The moose was ordered to spend a night in the drunk tank, which I'm guessing either didn't really help the other drunks to sober up or REALLY helped them to sober up and fast.

The moose was also charged with a DUI( deer under the influence) and was ordered to start attending AA(appleholics anonymous). The trial is expected to be quite the spectacle in Sweden, as have you ever seen a moose trapped inside, it's not pretty, especially if there are representatives from MADD (mooses against drunk deer). I know the moose is sorrowful, and you can see the embarrassment on his face, but to the moose I say keep your chin up, no matter how bad it looked or how bad the hangover, you never looked as bad as this:

Toeing the line

Feet, we all have them(or unfortunately used to have them) unless your one of those rare no feet babies that were born, in which case I make no apologies for rubbing in the fact that I was born with two working feet, what are you gonna do about it? It's not like you can stand up for yourself. It seems like everywhere I turned this week there were stories about feet, so if your one of those people that really enjoy the foot, I hope you will be satisfied, cause this one is for all you pediphiles out there.

*Note-these are not the actual headline titles, but they would be if I controlled the media............soon...........very soon*

Who needs toes when you have Massive Balls

We all take our toes for granted, it's not like we wake up everyday, look down and say "Ahhhhh, there they are, all the little piggies still in a row." In fact if you do do this you've probably never seen the toes or any other body part of the opposite gender, OR you've had something slipped in your drink, like time I left my tea unattended at work, in case your wondering how many times you can count your toes before you come down off something, the answer is 546.......and a half. You know who doesn't take his toes for granted, Jon Hutt, a 61 year old man from Colorado, who while gathering firewood had a 7 ton trailer fall on his foot. Now this is pain I can't imagine........and I once imagined a moose sticking his head through my window and saying hello to me in French(was actually a dream, but it's all imagination). Hutt did what most people would do, and scream uncontrollably for help, but after a half hour he realized that no one could hear him and Lassie probably wasn't coming so he said screw this and took out his trusty pocket knife. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone of the little piggies until his foot was free, he went on to say that getting through the smaller toes was easy, but it was difficult to get through the tendons of the big toes.............and the knife had started to get dull. I hate cutting chicken at work with a dull knife, let alone setting it lose on my feet, plus I have massive big toes, I mean they would require a crosscut saw to get those things off. Not only did he cut his toes off, he PROCEEDED TO DRIVE THE SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER UNTIL HE COULD GET HELP. McDonald's restaurants have now closed their playpens because they do not have as much balls as this man. So the next time you think to yourself "Old people are useless.......look at them sitting there all wrinkly" look down at your feet and your working toes, you couldn't do what he did.....pansies.

You know what they say about a province with Big Feet

So apparently there's a Bigfoot in Alberta, not just one, but like 40 or 50 of them, so if your scoring at home that means the population of Alberta is 90 percent Newfoundlanders, 7 percent Bigfoot, and 3 percent Albertans. This comes from a man named Todd Standing, who may be a liar as I believe he was sitting down during the interview, who says he has photographic proof that there are Big Feet in Alberta. Now having never seen a Samsquanch(trademark Bubbles) outside of the brutally sad side mission of Undead Nightmare, I am highly skeptical as I am with most things. I mean it could be any number of things, maybe he meant the old Big Foot candies, maybe it was a Polish woman he saw, or maybe he's just trying for attention. I do know one thing, we might not see a Bigfoot, but with all the claims of crackpot that are going to be coming in we are gonna see a lot of Todd Standing up for himself.

8 feet by.......WTF

Police in Vancouver were called to a Marina on Tuesday after a severed foot and parts of a legbone, still in running shoe, were discovered floating in the water. This is the eighth foot that has washed up on the BC shore since 2007. I guess a cop being on foot patrol in BC has a totally different meaning from everywhere else. Eight feet is a lot of feet, to put it in perspective, if it were an octopus it would just be a pus now. In total 11 feet have been recovered from the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure where 2 of them were but I think another was recovered from Roberto Luongo's mouth after the Stanley cup playoffs. Police are baffled by the continued appearance of random feet, and are disappointed they can't even get a good matching pair of shoes, with one officer saying "I have 5 kids, why buy sneakers when a perfectly good pair might wash up someday.....sure it would be weird coming from a severed foot but Febreeze will take that right out" I have every confidence the police will but their best food forward, I just hope it's not a shark doing it, good luck putting the cuffs on that.

*Update-the Police have set up a hotline for any knowledge people my have, if your calling about the missing feet, talk to Jody (I know of two people who will get that reference)

The war on bugs

I have never been one to forecast doom or overreact to things, but I fear the apocalypse is upon us. First sign is the string of tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes that have hit North America and the world in recent years, I mean take this weekend, the only thing that blows harder then the wind in the United States right now is their economy. Secondly, we lost Trustache, yet nothing has happened to Stephen Harper, here's hoping he at least gets a hangnail or something. Thirdly, God has decided to move to the next stage of the apocalypse by sending a horde of locusts upon our province, only I guess he had no locusts left so he unleashed the only thing he could find.........daddy long legs. For those of you who haven't seen a daddy longs legs, they are like mosquitoes on steroids, and if the hundreds that reside in my backyard are any indication, they have no problem with getting in your face.

Well I say enough is enough and it's time for some change, as my roommate Jeff, our two dogs, and I have decided it's time to fight back. We are declaring beehad on every pest that we see in our back yard, that goes for every daddy long legs, spider, moth, mosquito, or neighbor that crosses our path. When I say beehad I mean it, I will post videos on the internet of me holding a magnifying glass over a daddy long legs if it will show the insolent bugs that I mean business. Now despite my appearance I am no fool, I know the bugs are smart, and I know they will adapt. I needed to study up on my enemy, I watched everything I could, the discovery channel, National Geographic, the National Spelling Bee, Seinfeld..........okay that had nothing to do with bugs but it was the Soup Nazi episode. I now feel I am prepared to take on all intruders, I have seen A Bug's Life, and now I will see a bug's life taken.

I don't know when or how this war started, for years the bugs, Jeff and I have co-existed well enough, we avoided each other mostly, sure there were some bites and some kills but other then that things went swimmingly. Then when I got Bear and Jeff got Mika and we started delving deeper into the back yard all of a sudden the daddy longs swarmed on mass. Also, I'm not sure what made the moths so vicious this year, but on a nightly basis we were getting attacked by moths not unlike Mothra in their size and ferocity. We have since gone dark(meaning we turned the porch light off) and ever since they have not been able to find us, but I know they are up there somewhere, watching.......waiting.

I don't know when this war will end(actually I do, stupid weak bugs and their inability to handle cold) all I know is I'm tired to scratching like a heroin addict, and Bear is getting really sick of the camouflage paint I put on him . Blood has been spilled on both sides, the bugs bite harder then that Vampires Suck movie, and I smack harder then Ike Turner, and I shall not rests until I eliminate all the pests.

Dream Cleaver

Last night I had that dream again, it always starts the same, I wake up not in my bed but on a cold plastic surface, bound by string. I struggle but it does me no good for if anybody that has used this string knows it is impenetrable, if somebody has you tied up in it, they don't want you to get free. I'm disoriented at first, can't get my bearings, everything looks familiar yet different, all around me I see cold metallic gray objects, then I hear the same complaint that an oven is not working and it hits me, I'm at work. I think to myself okay it's work, I spend more time here then I do home I can escape this easily, I'll just roll off the line and dodge those giant chickens and slide out the back..........wait what.............giant chickens.

I look up to see a giant chicken approaching me, older then the young chickens we usually serve but still pink enough that the customer will complain, what does he have in his claw I wonder, uh oh, that's a chicken knife, I knew this day would come, my day of reckoning, when these chickens would fly the coup, rise up and avenge the loss of their brethren, there's nothing I can do now. The knife comes closer, I think I hear the chicken laughing, or is it Bogey, maybe he can help, or do they have him too? I'M COMING BOGEY I try to scream but nothing comes out. The knife is even closer now, but he stops, why did he stop? He appears to be angrily clucking at one of the female chickens outside the line. The female chicken keeps tapping a roll on the line, rap tap tapping on the line to show how hard it is, I don't get it as they are chickens I didn't think they would be fussy as to what they ate but I have bigger problems.

My confusion turns again to fear as the large chicken once again yields the blade and lowers it again ever slowly, obviously savoring this moment. I start to sweat, wait that's not sweat, then why is my face getting wet? I awake to find bear over top of me, it's time to go out apparently, phew I was just dreaming, I have dodged another bullet.

It's always the same dream, over and over, physically the chicken cannot do much, but psychologically it can drive a person insane. My thoughts are as disjointed as a person with rickets, sleep is now like a sane Mel Gibson interview, few and far between, but I keep pushing on, fighting the good fight as it were, eliminating every foul creature I can till I reach the big chicken drawer in the sky, if I go in that direction, knowing my luck God is a member of PETA, and is against this raging Foulocaust that occurs every year in our many many convenient locations. Friends and family, and even rapper Nelly have tried to tell me that it's only just a dream, but seriously you try and sleep when you close your eyes and all you see is this:

French(fried) kiss of Death

Sad news in the food world this weekend, as food giant(not an actual giant, reports are he was only average height) Wallace McCain, co-founder of McCain foods died this weekend. Details are yet to be hashed(browns) 0ut but it appears McCain died after succumbing to a long battle with pancreatic cancer. On a site note, isn't the pancreas a jerk, you barely know it's there, no one pays attention to it until BOOM, doctor says "Sir I'm sorry you have cancer, it's in your pancreas" and your all like "Cancer?" and "Pancreas?". McCain is remembered fondly by colleagues and customers of his fine food, though some felt he deserved what he had coming to him for unleashing that annoying slow eating french fry kid, yeah, you all remember him, who didn't hate that kid?

McCain foods was created in 1956 when Wallace and his brother Harrison in search of ways to make money traveled to Ireland and stole their potatoes. It wasn't their intention to steal all the potatoes but after Wallace had taken one his brother bet him that he couldn't steal just one and before they knew it they had all the potatoes. Not knowing what to do next they decided to eat the evidence, it was a slow process, so they decided to share their new found bounty with the rest of the world and created McCain french fries. As time went on and business grew McCain began to develop a chip on his shoulder, yet through all his success he lived a straight(cut) life, he had not a care in world, that is until life decided to grab him by the old short and curly fries.

Not satisfied with just unleashing greasy delicious fries onto the world, McCain became chairman of Maple Leaf foods, cause if your trying to drive up the cholesterol levels of Canadians, you need meat of some kind. When I saw that he was chairman of Maple Leaf Foods I thought "Bologna", no way he was time to be involved in two major companies like that. Truly it must have driven a wedge(fry) between him and his family, but no apparently his family life was solid, which makes him a real wiener in my books.

McCain's responded to the sad news by replacing those happy face fries you get sometimes with sad face fries for a limited time only. Wallace McCain lived a fine life, even when sick he put on a brave face, but then the crinkles started to appear in his armor, until eventually he was hanging on by his shoestrings, and then passed peacefully away. No word on his funeral arrangements, but I assume he will be cremated, his ashes then put into a french fry bag, which will be rolled up and put in the back of the freezer until the family needs to see it. God Speed Wallace McCain, thanks for contributing to my fatness for many years.

Electile Dysfunction

Oh Canada, I love ya and all but Stephen Harper...........again.......really. Only in Canada could a man be told flat out that he wasn't fit to run the government, forced to call an election, and then get voted back in with a majority government, a majority government mind you that he didn't have the first time he ran. I wanted to write this earlier, before the election happened, but work and being too jaded in our political system got in the way, so I'm going to do something special, I'm going to dust off the old time machine (oh yeah there's a time machine) and set it for this past weekend...........and away we gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well I made it, it's now Saturday, two days before the election and it has all the excitement of the world championship of curling (apologies to those two old people that still like curling). I'm surfing through all the channels to see if I can get any last minute info on how the campaigns are going, hey look it's a piece on Osama Bin Laden, I wonder if they will ever catch that guy.......nah probably not. Well I'm not finding much information so I'm just gonna go ahead and discuss all three candidates. Now admittedly I don't know too much about the politicians, or their platforms, but much like our esteemed government officials, I've never let not knowing the facts get in the way of pretending to know what I'm talking about. So now lets put our feet up, I'm gonna grab a cookie (I'm hoping eating this cookie doesn't drastically alter the future, and something crazy like the NDP becoming the opposition happens..........nah never happen), and lets look at all the candidates:



Stephen Harper: This was the most recent picture I could find of Mr. Harper, the man that everyone is projecting will remain as our prime minister. I have yet to see one Conservative commercial that didn't attack Micheal Ignatieff, I mean is it really necessary, the Liberal party has done a great job of making people hate them in the past, and can blow it on their own, they don't really need the constant bombardment of hate from the Conservative party too. I believe that Mr. Harper has taken some flack for not letting "regular people" attend his rallies, but the joke is on him, someone has to sweep up after he leaves, HA score one for Joe Lunch pail. I can't predict the future but I don't see Harper losing, and Canadians can be complacent, sure the tax on beer might be higher but as long as it's cold we're good, and they prefer to stick with the devil they know instead of the devil they don't.

Micheal Ignatieff: Jean Chretian couldn't do it, Paul Martin couldn't do it, Stephane Dion most likely did it but we didn't understand a word he said, but it looks like Micheal Ignatieff is the man who will bring the Liberal party to whatever the opposite of glory is. I heard so much about Ignatieff being away in America that I wasn't quite sure if he was born a Canadian or not, so I reached out to Donald Trump to find out, but he is at some presidential correspondent's dinner, oh well I'm sure he'll blend in, and no one will make fun of him. I give credit to Ignatieff though, he's done the near impossible and made the NDP seem relevent, as a matter of fact Jack Layton's new campaign slogan is "See....we're not so bad after all." Speaking of Jack Layton

Jack Layton: well I'll be jiggered, it looks the little party that could, actually might this time as they are neck and neck with the Liberal party. It appears Jack Layton is rubbing some people the wrong way, so they released a story of him.......umm getting rubbed the wrong way. This is why I don't care for politics, the NDP finally comes out of nowhere to be in a position where people stop bending over from laughter at them and stand up to take notice, and then it so happens this ex cop remembers a time he saw Jack Layton laying naked on a massage table. Now I know horrible images are burned into your head, I remember the time I accidentally clicked on a picture of Rosie O'Donnell naked (I won't go into graphic detail but let's say I felt like captain Ahab when he found his white whale) but it's rather convenient that he just so happen to remember it the weekend of the election. I bet when Stephen Harper heard this he put down whatever baby he was eating and laughed heartily. Okay I can't stay in the past any longer, should I have one more cookie before I go, not like it's gonna drastically change the future or anything, and away I goooooooooooooo.

Geez, I eat one extra cookie in the past and Osama Bin Laden gets killed, let that be a lesson kids, junk food can help you do anything. So as I predicted when I totally went back in time in a situation that really happened it looks like Stephen Harper will take the throne again. Who knows what the next four years will bring. Will Harper rule with an iron fist? who will step up to take down the Conservative government? personally I think there is only one man for the job, we have to follow the lead of the Americans and endorse a charismatic black man. Coach Cuddles Ford will tell you we believed in Yes We can before a young Barack Obama swept the hearts of all he met.

So in typical Canadian fashion, it's out with the old and......back in with the old. There are pills you can take the fight electile dysfunction, but consult a doctor or psychiatrist if the government lasts more the four years.

Hot dog we have a wiener

Well it's official, the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Everyday we see reports of earthquakes, devastation, murder, assault, and now perhaps the worst of them all, wiener theft. I know what your probably thinking, and no Lorena Bobbitt is not on the loose again, but it's the story of two men charged with break and enter in Peterborough, Ont. As the story goes, two young men broke into an apartment, and by broke in I mean walked through an unlocked door, stealing an estimated (and whopping) 304 dollars worth of items, including the holy grail of all stolen items, a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs. Other items included a Playstation 3, some video games, and a can of blueberry juice, cause if your in the business of stealing hot dogs, then be smart enough to steal something to wash it down with, that's just common sense.

I feel bad for the victim, imagine him or her just coming home from a day at work, and thinking to themselves "hey, I think I'll play a video game, let's pop in God of war..........hey all my games are gone, that's weird. That's okay I still have a game in my Ps3 I'll just play that one.....wait a minute my Ps3 is gone, oh man, and someone's been sleeping in my bed." Okay so that last part was from Goldilocks and the three bears but you get the idea. What would possible compel these two utes (Joe Pesci represent) to steal a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs? I mean has anybody tasted those things? all the stolen cans of blueberry juice in the world can't wash the taste of that horrid food out of your mouth. Truly when these young men go to trial, the judge will not need to hand down a sentence for the taste of those things alone will be punishment enough.

If I could be Frank for a minute (actually I can be Frank all the time) when I saw this story I said to myself "self, I relish the chance to write about this". Its an intriguing crime story about two petty criminals who couldn't cut the mustard in major crimes, so they started small, hoping the police couldn't ketchup to them. These two brats are the wurst kind of people, because they start so small and petty, starting with apartments, then moving up to mayo clinics, then start putting their buns on the line, and into major break and entries. So if your reading this, go check your freezer now, don't be left in the cold, for the supper that you thought was there may be in the hands of evil doers, people who no concern for the appetites of others, I mean the polite thing to do would have been to keep the hot dogs, and steal two hot dog buns, so there is finally a good hot dog bun to hot dog ratio.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, poverty, The Jersey Shore, the world is full of terrible things, it's bad enough we live in a world that would allow the atrocity of chicken wieners, do we really have to steal them from one another?

This just in: Radio contest crumbles Newfoundland's economy

Unless you have been living under a K-rock lately you have probably heard about the new contest from classic rock station K-rock in which they have released a five dollar bill into the city. What's so special about this five dollar bill you ask, well if you have the matching serial number, in which a different character is announced on the air each day, you win a car. This is certainly a unique contest, and the brass at K-rock were probably betting on participation being high, but thus far the contest as had results they couldn't have dreamed of, as people throughout the city are now terrified of spending five dollar bills, sending our economy into a tailspin. Not since someone caught the last codfish in the nineties has there been such worry about the economy, all the years of struggle to find oil, all the fight to make us a have province, wiped out in the single announcement of the first serial number character.

Throughout the city businesses and employees alike are all feeling the pinch, with many stores struggling to keep five dollar bills and to keep their registers balanced, forcing them to be bailed out more then the old canoe I built when I was seven, that had more holes in it then a Charlie Sheen police statement. Since the announcement of the Find the Five contest line-ups at Tim Horton's have also been affected, while they always long, now more people are using debit, causing an increase in passive aggressive complaining and small scale riots in some locations. Since no one cares about our new boring as Melba toast premier reporters sought the opinion of former premier Danny Williams, as always he was passionate, he yelled, and that was just when he was asked how his retirement was going.

The people most affected by the Find the Five contest were the girls who work the local St. John's strip clubs. In order to find out just how much this contest has ruined their lives I did extensive research, I researched for hours(purely for science) and some of the results were startling. When asked how this contest affected them one girl showed me a number of circular welts and bruises, when I asked what caused all of them she responded by simply saying "toonies". Yes it appears that men who visited the club were so reluctant to part with five dollar bills that they just started hurling toonies at the girls on stage. The girl added this plea "please don't throw loonies or toonies at us, those coins hurt, I mean sure my dad used to do the same thing, but he used to heat them up before he threw them, so he could show me how much he loved me." The girl added terrifying examples of some the other stripper injuries that have occurred, such as girls being struck in the eye, or in one case being pelted so much that a girl fell off stage sending her into labor prematurely.

City officials have begun taking the appropriate measures, sending the price of gas through the roof, in an attempt to make sure no one has any five dollar bills left anyway. Luckily I don't have a car, and the price of sneakers is holding steady so I'm fortunate there. I'm also fortunate that I make my own five dollar bills so I have an endless supply, it should take a few days to get all the numbers revealed so I will sit and play the waiting game, even if it sucks and I'd rather play hungry hungry hippos. I think it would be funny if the five dollar bill ends up on the mainland or somewhere remote where they barely speak English like Labrador. God help us if it winds up in Quebec because we all know how long it took to get Churchill Falls back, we'd never see the five dollars again. So to the person who wins the car, congratulations in advance on being such a tightwad, and I hope you enjoy your car when your driving past all the abandoned stores.

P.S. I typed this whole post on my blackberry while in line at Tim Horton's, and I'm not even out of the porch yet, thanks K-rock.

Now I've Sheen everything

Unless you have been living under a rock lately, you may have noticed that Charlie Sheen has gone off the deep end, or wanted people to think he's gone off the deep end, and people are falling for it hooker, line(of coke), and sinker. There is a Puff Daddy song, one of the ones that isn't sad about Notorious B.I.G. dying(although he was in the song so I guess he was still sad) that says the more money we got, the more problems we see, and these past few years we have seen a lot of this in Hollywood. Before Lindsay Lohan discovered she enjoyed stealing things(allegedly) she was a pretty good actress(allegedly) until someone at a party whispered "hey, try this" and handed her some drugs, and she decided if she liked one drug, she must like them all. Then there is Mel Gibson, one of the biggest movie stars of the eighties and nineties, he made so much money that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life, and like most people when they are bored he decided to take it out on the Jewish people and African Americans, also taking the time to go all cold war on his Russian ex-wife.

Now it's Charlie Sheen's turn, and boy is he making the most of it. When he is not seen in the company of black eyed hookers, he can often be seen gracing any number of television "entertainment" news show or gossip show. It is getting repetitive at this point, he likes to party, he likes drugs, he likes to use porn stars as pinatas when he's on drugs, what about the more serious stuff like killing his half brother Emilio Estevez, I mean it's been years since we've seen him, how else do you explain it? I mean sure, everyone is listening, anticipating the next whimsical thing he's gonna say, the internet abuzz over what will be the next meme created by something he says. It's not an accomplishment to become a big star on the internet, Justin Bieber did it by having a lousy haircut, hell Chuck Norris became popular again because of the internet and he didn't do anything......well besides roundhouse kick a computer and create the whole internet.

For once I want to see a somewhat normal celebrity go bonkers, someone no one would expect. How about George Clooney, why can't he go on a bender, rant about how he actually hates the Haitians and wished that earthquake had wiped them out while having a couple of them stowed away in is trunk. How about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, what if something snapped in them and they adopted a white baby, or what about Joaquin Phoenix....wait a minute my roommate Jeff is trying to tell me something........what's that.........Letterman..............sat there...........big beard...........rap career.........ummm never mind, scratch that last example. Really what is Charlie Sheen gaining by all this press, sure he might have gained some fans, and some supporters but he's lost Two and half men, four and a half kids and lord knows how many friends and family because of his actions(RIP Emilio). People can say he's bi-polar, Sheen can say he's bi-winning, but I just wish everyone would just say bi to it all because frankly I've Sheen enough.

So if your reading this Charlie Sheen, I hope you do get well, and find peace, you had Major League talent once, one of the true Young Guns of Hollywood, but lately it must seem that things are hitting a Wall Street. I know it must seem like your career is heading for an Apocalypse Now, but you have the money to hire a Platoon of people to help you, at your say so there could be Men At Work helping you on the path to recovery. I don't know what you have to treat your life like a Scary Movie 4, just sit back, relax, grab a Three Musketeers, and focus on becoming one of the Hot Shots on television again, or instead of a happy ending your career could be facing a Red Dawn.

It always feels like somebody's watching me

Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? has it ever felt like someone was snipping a piece of your hair while you weren't looking? If you live in eastern Canada you probably have, and according to Statistics Canada your not alone, if you think someone is watching you, your probably right. In a news article I read today it was reported by StatsCan that stalking is actually most common in the eastern part of the country, making up most of the 20,000 stalking reports in Canada last year. I chalk this up to our friendly nature, we just want to make sure that other people get home safely, and shower safely, and wear that nice perfume she wears when she goes to sleep......er I mean she sleeps safely.

Topping the list of most reported cases of criminal harassment is Prince Edward Island, which doesn't surprise me. I mean really, Prince Edward Island, you could walk across that province in like a day, so how can you not help but stalk somebody. What constitutes a stalker in PEI, a regular customer at Tim Horton's, how would that sound to the police? "He just comes in everyday, orders the same double double, how can he have the same thing everyday, can't you do anything officer?" And really what could be done to potential stalkers in PEI? file a restraining order, it could only be something like ten feet, any more then that they would be in Nova Scotia. Despite the bad press that could come out such a report, PEI has beat critics to the punch and embraced this news, with plans to change their tourism slogan from The Gentle Island to something more fitting, a few possibilities include:

-Prince Edward Island, more then our potatoes have eyes for you

-Prince Edward Island, hey where you going, how come you never called back, YOU CAN'T
RUN FOREVER

Prince Edward Island, we want to rape your face

Coming in last with the lowest number of stalking cases was Manitoba, apparently they are too busy killing each other outright to at least watch the person for a few days. It speaks to the patient, laid back nature of eastern Canadians that we don't get all stabby right away, not like the impulsiveness of those Western Canadians, when they want to behead a guy on the bus, they're going to do it, they don't care how many people are around. It's not surprising to me that Manitoba came in lowest, because do you know what they are also lowest in? trees, where could a wannabe Manitoban possibly hide, I mean there are more trees in Charlie Sheen's dresser drawer(though he calls them Charlie Sheen) then the whole province, so one would like kind of weird huddled behind a fire hydrant.

I have to say I'm disappointed in my fellow Newfoundlanders, I didn't even see us on the list, are we really gonna let ourselves lose to Prince Edward Island, we can do better then that as a province. So c'mon Newfoundland, get up off the couch, is there someone you fancy, let them know, send them cards saying you want to wear their skin as a hat. Do you often find yourself saying you can't stop staring at a person.....don't, keep staring, just make sure it's at a safe distance because if you do a good enough job it will be anyway. Make chloroform be your friend,what smells foul to some may smell like win to you. Take that guy who abducted the girl in town yesterday, he wouldn't take no for an answer, he just took the person saying no, where he went wrong was driving the girl to Long Harbor, I'd rather spend a day as Lindsay Lohan's parole officer then go to Long Harbor so you can't blame the girl for doing whatever she could to escape.

I kid of course, I don't condone stalking, personally it's way too much work, and I'm far too lazy to do it, and so if your like me, and do not have the time or energy it takes to show a person how you feel about them head this advice.........telescopes are for more then just star gazing.

Pipe Dreams: Overcoming my Mario Bros fueled rage

To start off today I would like to give you a history lesson, the year was 1945, the Second World war was in full swing, everything was in black and white, and people wore onions on their belts, as was the style at the time. After Japan pearl harbored American forces at.....um....Pearl Harbour the Americans decided they were tired of the Japanese and their rice growing ways and dropped an atom bomb(not the wrestler) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing millions and creating Godzilla. These events changed Japan forever, but what you might not know is that not only are the Japanese an efficient, industrious people, but they are also very patient, content to lie in wait for a chance at revenge. That revenge came in the 1980's when they unleashed the Nintendo home entertainment system, and with it, the beloved Italian plumber Mario.

Since Canada is the America of the north, we too were introduced to the Nintendo craze, and Mario was now part of our lives. I loved Mario as a kid, sure he had a terrible mushroom addiction, and half the monsters he fought probably weren't real, but all he wanted to do was save the girl, the beautiful princess, a girl who through the years has been kidnapped so many times I'm pretty sure she is the basis for the Kim Baur character on 24. The newest installment of Mario for Wii is no different, once again the princess is kidnapped by Bowser and his Koopa minions. It starts harmless enough, it is the Princess Peach's birthday and the plumber brothers throw her a party, when all of a sudden a hideous beast comes and nabs the princess. After some confusion Jeff explains that it wasn't actually Rosie O'Donnell but one of the Koopa's that took her, and then the demoralization process begins.

There is nothing like dying in the game and hearing Mario condescendingly chirp that you were almost there, or lose the card flip game and seeing the "oh you didn't even get one" screen. Then there is the sheer amount of things you have to face in one level, I remember the old games where after a couple of goombas and turtles you were home free, but in this game they keep you busier then Charlie Sheen's publicist. You spend so much time dodging and weaving you have only split seconds to make a perfect jump, and if you don't hit it right you disappear from the screen faster then Two and Half Men. If all that doesn't weaken your soul there's the little box that appears in the level if you've died too many times, asking if you want your brother Luigi to guide you through the level, if I wanted to watch someone's mentally challenged brother solve something I'd watch Rainman, or a movie that features any Baldwin but Alec.

If my dad's shoddy hereditary hair gene didn't beat it to it, this is the thing that would have made me lose my hair, I think at one point I actually grew hair back just so I could rip it out. You struggle tooth and nail through all the worlds and you finally get to Bowser, you think you beat him, then he just gets super big, blasting big balls of hot air and destroying everything in his path like Joan Rivers on the red carpet, and for what? for the Princess to say thanks, and give you a kiss on the cheek, all that work just to get to first base? hell in real life I score less then the Pittsburgh Pirates and I don't have to die umpteen times to do it.

If this blog feels disjointed and all over the place, first I say where have you been the other 93 posts and secondly it's because there's no emoticon for how I am feeling towards this game. I'm glad I didn't buy the game and it was loaned to me(by someone I thought I was my friend) for if I had bought it I might have had to go all Office Space on it or maybe put it in the freezer where it couldn't hurt me anymore.

So to the people of Japan, I know it might be too late, and it may not mean much coming from one person, but if it means no more evil Mario games, then I'm sorry. I for one enjoy your wacky game shows, your unintentional funny names (Delong Wang) and the fact that you think your good at any sports besides math. Many years after the blast, you have a radiant culture with a glowing sense of pride, there is no need to fight, you had a blast in the past and I know we could have a blast in the future. You always say Wii would like to play, well Iii wish you wouldn't make it so difficult.

It's a Punderful Life

- Next month is national hairdresser's month, so everyone be sure to wear a ribbon to remember what they dyed for

-Last night I saw a guy attempt to play the American national anthem on a harmonica, he blew it

- We always hear about the sexual proclivity of male rabbits, but did you know that the male beaver gets more wood than any other animal?

-The head of a major cereal company was recently arrested after discontinuing a number of major cereals, FBI stormed his office after he was labeled the worst cereal killer in recent years

-In entertainment news singer Bruno Mars was horribly disfigured recently. His attempts to show affection for a girl by catching a grenade for her blew up in his face

-I always get surprised when someone rings in a rare steak at work because we don't see it very often

-I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, he's a compulsive over eater, seems he's always busy cause he always has too much on his plate

-Travel company Travelocity is getting rid of it's famous mascot, it appears the statue of limitations has run out, what will become of him is not gnome at this time.

-Did you hear about the funeral home administrator who died after a filing cabinet fell on him?.......he was buried in paperwork

- I once wanted to write a script for Frasier, but it was unreadable because I couldn't perfect my Kelsey Grammar.

That's all for today, you all may think I'm weird but guess what I can paddle a boat, canoe?

Bear Polar: My life with a semi crazy dog

As I write this it's 8:12 in the morning, that's about 1 o'clock where my sister is, about 2ish where my brother is, and next Wednesday in China. Why am I up so early? you ask, there's a reason, and his name is Bear. One of the reasons why I didn't write here for a while(besides laziness) was just after Christmas I received my new puppy, Bear, still the best present since that piece of coal I was given as a pet in my younger days at Christmas. Ninety percent of the time Bear is awesome, his wacky hi jinx making me laugh on a daily basis, it's the other ten percent where he gets wilder then a Charlie Sheen brunch party(poptarts is the gateway to blow and hookers). I know now what all the single parents are complaining about, it's hard raising a child, I mean this is a puppy, you just can't shake it like you would a kid, but at least you can lock it in a cage.

I'm not totally alone in the war on Terrierism(he's actually a golden retriever but that joke is awesome in it's lameness) my roommate Jeff does a good job with him, and they get along great, and when he misbehaves I can always give him a timeout in the kennel, sure Jeff gets a little uncomfortable in there but it teaches him a lesson. Maybe it's the legendary puppy dogs eyes, the fat little face, but it's hard to stay mad at my little buddy, but I just know when he sits there looking so cute, that any second he's gonna leap and chew on my fingers. He doesn't even really do this to other people, well he did accidentally scratch my buddy Andrew but only because he was excited there was another bear like creature in the apartment. He's actually great with other people, at 6 weeks old he was better with girls then I've ever been, sure he didn't like being soaked in chloroform but anything to help out dear old dad.

I've created the term Bear Polar to show just how he goes from adorable teddy bear to Cujo in the matter of seconds, his new acquired knowledge that giving me his paw leads to treats has shown him that he can lure me in, I will accept his paw and he will go for my knuckles. And go for the knuckles he will, he will chow down like a Biggest Loser competitor falling off the wagon, a simple tap on the nose and saying stop will always work to prevent it.............for a couple of seconds, then he's on the attack again. I'm proud to say that at least the house training is going well, sure it was rough early, there were more stains on the carpet then a seedy motel room, but now he is able to climb the steps and let us know when he wants to go out. He enjoys all the snow we've had, so much that's it hard to get him to come back inside, for when you take him out your on Bear time, and he doesn't care if your cold, you will make sure he does all his dirty sinful business and you will like it.

One personality trait I'm concerned with is that I think he may hate Italians. What's that? you say, dogs can't be racist, I thought so too until I was playing Mario Brothers on Wii the other day, and he sat there staring. Staring doesn't make him racist you say, but then he started to growl at him, now Bear enjoys watching television, and he's watched me play Madden 11 on Ps3, and he's never once growled, but when he saw Mario, he growled for a number of minutes. Of course that's nothing like the yelling and growling and screaming I've done at the game, but that's another blog for another time.

I love my dog, he is and forever will be my little buddy, he brings me so much amusement, sure I may randomly catch him with dryer sheets in his mouth, or finding so much random money on the floor that I think he's actually part woman, but he never ceases to be not entertaining. I never know what he's gonna into next, or what piece he's going to take out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way, and so I'll just grin and Bear it.

Have you seen the Muffins? Man

Today I decided to dust off the old blog, lift the tarp off to discuss a topic that should not be overlooked, an occurrence that has shook yours truly to his very core, that is the waning population and outright removal of low fat blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's locations. About a year and a half ago when I decided to lose a bunch of weight, the low fat blueberry muffin was a source of comfort and deliciousness in the bleak world of dietary foods. I have low fat blueberry muffins to thank for the some eighty pounds I have shed, well those and Subway(suck it Jarred) and now you go and take them away from me, and replace them with what, some new fruity muffin that I don't know what it is because the girl talks to low and you don't have a sign for them yet. Who do you think I am Tim Hortons? Lindsay Lohan on a bender, do you think I'll just ingest anything cause it has a berry in it?

There is truly no good way to describe my feelings on the loss of the beloved muffin, so here is a lament, a tribute if you will to the fallen baked goods. This is usually my brother Bill's thing but I'll give it a shot:

How I miss you muffins
Ripped from the shelf
I've not only lost breakfast
But a piece of myself

Sometimes you were covered in flakes, sometimes not
Didn't matter to me, you still hit the spot
I try to keep my chin up, try to be merry
As I force myself to eat the regular blueberry

You were a great source of food
When I went on a stroll
Time to bury my sorrows
In this cinnamon roll

You've been taken from me
Not sure what I'll do
Never filling enough for one
I always had two

Goodbye delicious muffin
I'll miss you a bunch
I'm like a walnut
That's lost his crunch

I remember the verse
From when I was a kid
Do you know the muffin man?
I really thought I did