Unless you have been living under a K-rock lately you have probably heard about the new contest from classic rock station K-rock in which they have released a five dollar bill into the city. What's so special about this five dollar bill you ask, well if you have the matching serial number, in which a different character is announced on the air each day, you win a car. This is certainly a unique contest, and the brass at K-rock were probably betting on participation being high, but thus far the contest as had results they couldn't have dreamed of, as people throughout the city are now terrified of spending five dollar bills, sending our economy into a tailspin. Not since someone caught the last codfish in the nineties has there been such worry about the economy, all the years of struggle to find oil, all the fight to make us a have province, wiped out in the single announcement of the first serial number character.
Throughout the city businesses and employees alike are all feeling the pinch, with many stores struggling to keep five dollar bills and to keep their registers balanced, forcing them to be bailed out more then the old canoe I built when I was seven, that had more holes in it then a Charlie Sheen police statement. Since the announcement of the Find the Five contest line-ups at Tim Horton's have also been affected, while they always long, now more people are using debit, causing an increase in passive aggressive complaining and small scale riots in some locations. Since no one cares about our new boring as Melba toast premier reporters sought the opinion of former premier Danny Williams, as always he was passionate, he yelled, and that was just when he was asked how his retirement was going.
The people most affected by the Find the Five contest were the girls who work the local St. John's strip clubs. In order to find out just how much this contest has ruined their lives I did extensive research, I researched for hours(purely for science) and some of the results were startling. When asked how this contest affected them one girl showed me a number of circular welts and bruises, when I asked what caused all of them she responded by simply saying "toonies". Yes it appears that men who visited the club were so reluctant to part with five dollar bills that they just started hurling toonies at the girls on stage. The girl added this plea "please don't throw loonies or toonies at us, those coins hurt, I mean sure my dad used to do the same thing, but he used to heat them up before he threw them, so he could show me how much he loved me." The girl added terrifying examples of some the other stripper injuries that have occurred, such as girls being struck in the eye, or in one case being pelted so much that a girl fell off stage sending her into labor prematurely.
City officials have begun taking the appropriate measures, sending the price of gas through the roof, in an attempt to make sure no one has any five dollar bills left anyway. Luckily I don't have a car, and the price of sneakers is holding steady so I'm fortunate there. I'm also fortunate that I make my own five dollar bills so I have an endless supply, it should take a few days to get all the numbers revealed so I will sit and play the waiting game, even if it sucks and I'd rather play hungry hungry hippos. I think it would be funny if the five dollar bill ends up on the mainland or somewhere remote where they barely speak English like Labrador. God help us if it winds up in Quebec because we all know how long it took to get Churchill Falls back, we'd never see the five dollars again. So to the person who wins the car, congratulations in advance on being such a tightwad, and I hope you enjoy your car when your driving past all the abandoned stores.
P.S. I typed this whole post on my blackberry while in line at Tim Horton's, and I'm not even out of the porch yet, thanks K-rock.
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