To start off today I would like to give you a history lesson, the year was 1945, the Second World war was in full swing, everything was in black and white, and people wore onions on their belts, as was the style at the time. After Japan pearl harbored American forces at.....um....Pearl Harbour the Americans decided they were tired of the Japanese and their rice growing ways and dropped an atom bomb(not the wrestler) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing millions and creating Godzilla. These events changed Japan forever, but what you might not know is that not only are the Japanese an efficient, industrious people, but they are also very patient, content to lie in wait for a chance at revenge. That revenge came in the 1980's when they unleashed the Nintendo home entertainment system, and with it, the beloved Italian plumber Mario.
Since Canada is the America of the north, we too were introduced to the Nintendo craze, and Mario was now part of our lives. I loved Mario as a kid, sure he had a terrible mushroom addiction, and half the monsters he fought probably weren't real, but all he wanted to do was save the girl, the beautiful princess, a girl who through the years has been kidnapped so many times I'm pretty sure she is the basis for the Kim Baur character on 24. The newest installment of Mario for Wii is no different, once again the princess is kidnapped by Bowser and his Koopa minions. It starts harmless enough, it is the Princess Peach's birthday and the plumber brothers throw her a party, when all of a sudden a hideous beast comes and nabs the princess. After some confusion Jeff explains that it wasn't actually Rosie O'Donnell but one of the Koopa's that took her, and then the demoralization process begins.
There is nothing like dying in the game and hearing Mario condescendingly chirp that you were almost there, or lose the card flip game and seeing the "oh you didn't even get one" screen. Then there is the sheer amount of things you have to face in one level, I remember the old games where after a couple of goombas and turtles you were home free, but in this game they keep you busier then Charlie Sheen's publicist. You spend so much time dodging and weaving you have only split seconds to make a perfect jump, and if you don't hit it right you disappear from the screen faster then Two and Half Men. If all that doesn't weaken your soul there's the little box that appears in the level if you've died too many times, asking if you want your brother Luigi to guide you through the level, if I wanted to watch someone's mentally challenged brother solve something I'd watch Rainman, or a movie that features any Baldwin but Alec.
If my dad's shoddy hereditary hair gene didn't beat it to it, this is the thing that would have made me lose my hair, I think at one point I actually grew hair back just so I could rip it out. You struggle tooth and nail through all the worlds and you finally get to Bowser, you think you beat him, then he just gets super big, blasting big balls of hot air and destroying everything in his path like Joan Rivers on the red carpet, and for what? for the Princess to say thanks, and give you a kiss on the cheek, all that work just to get to first base? hell in real life I score less then the Pittsburgh Pirates and I don't have to die umpteen times to do it.
If this blog feels disjointed and all over the place, first I say where have you been the other 93 posts and secondly it's because there's no emoticon for how I am feeling towards this game. I'm glad I didn't buy the game and it was loaned to me(by someone I thought I was my friend) for if I had bought it I might have had to go all Office Space on it or maybe put it in the freezer where it couldn't hurt me anymore.
So to the people of Japan, I know it might be too late, and it may not mean much coming from one person, but if it means no more evil Mario games, then I'm sorry. I for one enjoy your wacky game shows, your unintentional funny names (Delong Wang) and the fact that you think your good at any sports besides math. Many years after the blast, you have a radiant culture with a glowing sense of pride, there is no need to fight, you had a blast in the past and I know we could have a blast in the future. You always say Wii would like to play, well Iii wish you wouldn't make it so difficult.
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