Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? has it ever felt like someone was snipping a piece of your hair while you weren't looking? If you live in eastern Canada you probably have, and according to Statistics Canada your not alone, if you think someone is watching you, your probably right. In a news article I read today it was reported by StatsCan that stalking is actually most common in the eastern part of the country, making up most of the 20,000 stalking reports in Canada last year. I chalk this up to our friendly nature, we just want to make sure that other people get home safely, and shower safely, and wear that nice perfume she wears when she goes to sleep......er I mean she sleeps safely.
Topping the list of most reported cases of criminal harassment is Prince Edward Island, which doesn't surprise me. I mean really, Prince Edward Island, you could walk across that province in like a day, so how can you not help but stalk somebody. What constitutes a stalker in PEI, a regular customer at Tim Horton's, how would that sound to the police? "He just comes in everyday, orders the same double double, how can he have the same thing everyday, can't you do anything officer?" And really what could be done to potential stalkers in PEI? file a restraining order, it could only be something like ten feet, any more then that they would be in Nova Scotia. Despite the bad press that could come out such a report, PEI has beat critics to the punch and embraced this news, with plans to change their tourism slogan from The Gentle Island to something more fitting, a few possibilities include:
-Prince Edward Island, more then our potatoes have eyes for you
-Prince Edward Island, hey where you going, how come you never called back, YOU CAN'T
RUN FOREVER
Prince Edward Island, we want to rape your face
Coming in last with the lowest number of stalking cases was Manitoba, apparently they are too busy killing each other outright to at least watch the person for a few days. It speaks to the patient, laid back nature of eastern Canadians that we don't get all stabby right away, not like the impulsiveness of those Western Canadians, when they want to behead a guy on the bus, they're going to do it, they don't care how many people are around. It's not surprising to me that Manitoba came in lowest, because do you know what they are also lowest in? trees, where could a wannabe Manitoban possibly hide, I mean there are more trees in Charlie Sheen's dresser drawer(though he calls them Charlie Sheen) then the whole province, so one would like kind of weird huddled behind a fire hydrant.
I have to say I'm disappointed in my fellow Newfoundlanders, I didn't even see us on the list, are we really gonna let ourselves lose to Prince Edward Island, we can do better then that as a province. So c'mon Newfoundland, get up off the couch, is there someone you fancy, let them know, send them cards saying you want to wear their skin as a hat. Do you often find yourself saying you can't stop staring at a person.....don't, keep staring, just make sure it's at a safe distance because if you do a good enough job it will be anyway. Make chloroform be your friend,what smells foul to some may smell like win to you. Take that guy who abducted the girl in town yesterday, he wouldn't take no for an answer, he just took the person saying no, where he went wrong was driving the girl to Long Harbor, I'd rather spend a day as Lindsay Lohan's parole officer then go to Long Harbor so you can't blame the girl for doing whatever she could to escape.
I kid of course, I don't condone stalking, personally it's way too much work, and I'm far too lazy to do it, and so if your like me, and do not have the time or energy it takes to show a person how you feel about them head this advice.........telescopes are for more then just star gazing.
No comments:
Post a Comment