Dear Mr. Willie,
As I write this it is Tuesday Febuary 2nd and reports are that you have seen your shadow, thereby proclaiming another six more weeks of winter. I'm writing you to persuade you that perhaps you didn't see your shadow at all, maybe you were confused by all the on-lookers and you got nervous, so if you would just go ahead and change your decision that would work out better for everyone. Surely you are reading this and wondering what the hell could this man offer me to change my mind, I have the adoration of many people, a loving family, my own little hole in the ground, what could he possibly do for me. Well Mr. Willie I don't have any money, but what I do have is a particular set of skills, and if you stand firm with your decision I will find you, and I will kill you(after going through the proper legal channels and getting the proper license of course.)
You see Mr. Willie you may think your untouchable but I know where you live. I know your not the only weather predicting groundhog but with you in danger ther other groundhogs will recant on their decisions. Believe me I've been watching Caddyshack extensively and Bill Murray has taught me many things in dispensing of vermin like yourself, so be warned. It is very simple, all you have to do is go in front of the tv cameras again and simply say you mis-remembered, then give one of your adorable groundhog poses and everyone will forget that you screwed up, you will be even more of a hero for admitting your mistake.
While you are deciding if you should take me up on my offer, I want you to consider this, I have your wife, Wiarton Wendy, and your kids Willie jr. and little Wiarton Wanda. I do not want to harm your family Willie but you see it's cold, and I can use a pair of furry slippers to keep my feet warm and toasty. What's that? you say you don't believe me, enclosed are pictures of my closet, look at those clothes, see those loafers, form goafers, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest. I don't want you to panic though Willie, I am keeping them in a warm safe place, but if you decide you don't want to play ball I have an even warmer place for them, as my oven is already pre-set to 375 degrees. I have never tried groundhog before, but I'm guessing it'll taste like disappointment, disappointment in you for not saving them.
You have until the sun goes down this evening Willie, Newfoundland time, to change your mind. The choice is yours Willie, will I be suffering through a long cold winter, or will I get an early spring. You think about that while I wonder if I want potatoes or rice with my groundhog, or how nice my new furry slippers are going to look as I watch television tonight. I eagerly await your reply, and I know you'll do the right thing, do not be afraid of your shadow, for only the shadow knows......if I get slippers or not.
P.S. Willie jr just defiled my favorite shirt, so besides changing your decision you must now pay my dry-cleaning bill as well if you want to see them again. After you've made your announcement I will contact you on where to wire the money, and I want large unmarked bills, the clock is ticking.
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