It is every guy's worse nightmare, your alone with your loved one(or paid one whatever your into) but when it comes time to stoke the flame, nothing happens. You sit around awkwardly making excuses, waiting for something to happen, now imagine if some 60,000 people are watching you live, and millions at home. It must have been frustrating for those hydraulic guys, everything had seemed fine all night, things were popping up at the appropriate times, everybody was in awe of the form and size, all you had to do was seal the deal, but now you've sent other countries laughing to thier girlfriends about what happened the night before It was then that the hydraulics crew likely started making those awkward excuses, here are just a few that I bet they came up with.
*Stress- they know doubt started talking nervously about how they had a lot of stress in their lives, they literally had the whole world to entertain and it was a lot of pressure. They say they have been working many long hours, and swear this has never happened to them before but they assured everybody that they were all man. They saw everybody in the crowd with their eyes on them, they were smiling and so happy, all they wanted was to give them a good night, it's their fault, they were expecting to much, it's ok Canada their will be other nights.
*Death- They were feeling confident until the Georgin luger died, how is anything supposed to go up with all this talk of death. Everywhere they turned people were talking about this tragedy so how could they perform knowing what had happened. I for one think it's great that an athlete from such a small country was able to grab the pole position in the luge event, okay okay that may have been too soon, I need a distraction, ladies and gentleman mr. Conway Twitty.........crap I deleted that picture.
*Kd Lang- This to me is the obvious choice, because I'm pretty sure this woman is responsible for erectile dysfunction worldwide. Imagine if you will that Kd Lang is a shadow and men's genitalia is a groundhog, once she is seen it gets scared and goes away, and believe me KD Lang can not be unseen, she will replace the whale in my nightmares. Between Lang and that scary opera chick who resembled scary spice it was practically a boner graveyard last night at the ceremonies, so no wonder their phallic like structures couldn't rise up. They could have at least put Nelly Furtado on after them, could have at least risen part of the way, at least with a semi Rick Hanson probably could have reached all the way.
*Brian Williams- over at his fortress of Versimilitude(where he steals all the grammar and leaves none for me) my brother Bill discussed the fact that Brian Williams is......how should I say it......not very good. I share his disdain for Williams, the guy is only talented when he's describing what exactly what's going at this exact moment, which is about all he did last night, luckily they kept the names to the other announcers, so at least they were pronounced correctly. My favorite moment of the whole ceremonies was when Williams was discussing the torches while Gretzky was on his way to light the outdoor cauldron. Williams said Gretzky must have a special torch cause usually they only last fifteen minutes but his hadn't gone out yet, perhaps he should have been paying attention WHEN THEY GAVE GRETZKY A NEW TORCH ON THE TRUCK....ahem sorry for the outburst. I think Williams was just jealous because he mentioned when he carried the flame it went out twice, he blamed it on a blizzard but we all know he could suck the life out of anything.
I feel bad for the hydraulics guys, I'm sure most guys feel their pain, but Canada is a forgiving mistress, today's coverage only mentioned it in passing, although I'm sure NBC had a good point and laugh. With a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a you'll get em next time tiger Canada rolled over and went to bed, leaving the hydraulics guys to wonder what went wrong. I bet the funny thing is later on that night it probably rose up by itself, but it was too late, for Canada could not be woken up, but at least their manhood was restored, and there were no lingering effects from KD Lang.
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