Take it in Stride

Tonight dear reader I sit hunkered in my apartment, not because of a storm, not of because of the Olympic opening ceremonies, but out of fear. For you see today I made a mistake, while at the store I purchased a pack of Stride gum and now I fear for my safety. I try to spit the gum out but the flavor does not go away, the minty peppermint taste soon mixed with the salt of tears as I approached jawlock. However, this is not why I'm afraid, I'm afraid because I've seen the commercials and I know what happens to those to do not spit out the gum, I've become afraid to walk down my street, fearing any second some polka band will jump me; I have not eaten all day because I am afraid to go the supermarket in fear of hulk like German wrestlers, wait was that noise? did you hear something?

I could swear there is a van parked outside my house, it is dark and and the snow is high but I know I saw it there, and it doesn't move, what was that noise? they said they would find me, and I can't see companies lying to me, the consumer, through marketing, seriously is it only me that heard that crash? it sounded like a goat but I'm not sure, do we even have goats in Newfoundland? why are you doing this to me Stride gum, I was just trying to give you some business. All I wanted was for you to be a profitable company, now you've got me hiding from a German like I was of Jewish descent in World War II.

I see the blare of headlights in my window, a quick check reveals that it was only my neighbours but I still wonder if they saw me, they are a big corporation I don't know how far their reach goes, but surely if they can afford their own goat their finances know no limit. Why does your flavor have to last so long Stride? I just want to spit it out and be done with it, but instead my mouth keeps moving and moving and nothing comes out, I feel like Helen Keller, only I am not blind to your evil ways. You may think I'm paranoid but I know how they think, they are going to get that gum whether I want them to or not, it's like my dating strategy, persistence plus a little choloroform will always net results, this is why I must hideaway and not be seen.

I don't know when this will end, but I will try to bring updates when I can, oh wait the flavor is gone now, phew, I've spit out the gum, now I can eat, but there's no food, oh well I'll just have this piece of gum here, oh no, what was that noise?