Today was a monumental day for me, as I had the rare chance to enter the magical world that is Costco, and it eventually turned into an event that could only happen to me and my sidekick, the bearded one. If you have never been inside a Costco just imagine Giant world in Mario 3, or a rapper's vehicle, it is a world filled with bawdy objects, horribly oversized products that would sustain a normal family for months, and yet its prices are reasonable. The visit started out as most trips to Costco, my mouth agape at the sheer size of all these items, a chuckle at the sheer silliness of them actually having a BUCKET of mayonaise, which led to me picturing myself sitting like Winnie the pooh putting my hand in the mayo and eating it like honey, thankfully I've never liked mayonaise. It was then in the meat department that I may have found my truly calling, I may have found the one thing I now want to do more then anything in the world. I would like to get a job in the meat department, not necessarily butchering, I just want to pop out of those windows and snatch the customers that walk by, think of all the customers that we could attract, curious to see when I would pop out and who I would grab next.
Costco is an exclusive fraternity, so me being granted access was like becoming a member of the Stone Cutters, or the Free Masons, or the Stone Masons, but not the Shriners, although I do look surprisingly nifty in a fez. My reasons for going to Costco were simple, since I had found a way to gain entry I wanted two things, those ridiculously huge chocolate muffins you get there, and an equally ridiculous box of Cheerios. Let's discuss the Cheerios shall we, since I've started the weight loss, my main breakfast source has been that of Honey nut Cheerios, and if I could keep myself in Cheerios for a while that would be a big plus for me. As my sidekick and I walked the halls with the other awestruck shoppers I came upon the huge box of Cheerios, and at first lift of the box I got another idea. Not only could these Cheerios be delicious but this box would be great for arm curls. I was also quite satisfied that I discovered enough Cheerios to have me sobbing uncontrobally near the end that this box of cereal will never end.
Now we get to the muffins and this is where the strangeness begins. Having picked up one box of delicous muffins my sidekick and I noted that you could get two boxes for something like eight dollars. Since it takes like two days to eat one of these muffins I rejected the offer of the second box and moved toward the checkout, and there he was. For the record, I have no ill will towards the homosexual lifestyle, your choice is your choice, I will make fun of them like I do anybody in this world whether they be straight, gay, bi-sexual......you get the idea, but what followed was nearly the start of a war between myself and the gay mafia. The man mentioned that they were on sale as a double pack but I had heard him incorrectly and said that I only wanted one, and as I preceded to ring in the Cheerios I asked one of life's burning questions, a question everyone seeks the answer to "What happened to my muffins?" It was then I saw this man walking, well more like lightly prancing away with my muffins. The cashier, seemingly taking the gay mans side, as he is the one man who would never ever leave her, explained that I didn't want two so I couldn't have one, as this is law in the land of Costco my hands were tied, and I bought the two of them, oh Costco you drive a hard bargain.
I still don't know why the man walked away with my muffins, do homosexual men enjoy baked goods that much, luckily I resisted the urge and my sidekick's suggestion to scream loudly "THAT GAY MAN STOLE MY MUFFINS" which I think would have caused a scene that I wasn't ready to deal with. To recap, I don't care what your sexual preference is, just don't ever....ever mess with a man and his muffins. Now if you would excuse me I'm going to partake in one of these muffins sent by the gods, for I have earned it, I mean I'm pretty sure I pulled something just lifting all those items home.
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