Before I start this installment of the slow death of my childhood, I'd like to again wish a happy birthday to my nephew Duncan. Three years old today, and another step closer to that lucrative basketball contract and shoe deal that his dad has planned out for him. Lastly, if mommy or daddy wants to send me a piece of cake in the mail, I will eat weeks old cake, I have no shame in that regard. Anywho, onto Chapter 3 of things in my childhood that have been ruined with age, so far we've focused on cereal characters, and tv shows, so today lets look at the mythical figures that come around once a year when holidays come around. When I was a child these were exciting times, a chance to try and stay up as late as you could to see these creatures, but it was always in vain.
*Santa Claus- I know I've been a bit hard on Christmas lately, and it's hard to come down hard on somebody who delivers presents to boys and girls all over the world; however, Santa Claus is not a man without flaw, as I discovered in my later years. Santa does all his travelling in a sleigh hauled by reindeer, and he goes all over the world, the man obviously breaks every speed law that is in existence, speeding about like some high school teenage boy who has taken his dad's convertible for the day, not thinking of anyone else that might out for a leisurely drive, or in this case, flight. Then there is a matter of customs, ol Santa must not stop at any borders, does he get his stuff searched, what's he tryin to hide. There is also a matter of the reindeer, the true work horses(or deer) of the team, I mean there are all those toys, and Santa got to weigh about 350 from pictures I've seen, so it's not easy on them. Santa gets all the cookies and milk at the houses, what do rudolph and the gang get, some measly carrots and told to wait outside. At least those Toronto Humane Society workers fed their animals, sure the food may have been expired, but they fed them, where's PETA when you really need them. Lastly, there's the elves, forced to work hundreds of hours in the shop for Santa, making sure everything is just so, just what are their wages, has Santa ever opened up the books, how do we know they're not making the same as little Tibor in some Peruvian sneaker sweat shop. Perhaps it's not the weather that makes the North Pole a cold place to work, it's they conditions of the ruthless taskmaster, while he is being paraded through the streets of every city, they slave and toil to meet unrelenting deadlines.
*The Easter Bunny- If bugs bunny has taught me anything, it's that rabbits can be hilarious; however, if the Easter Bunny has taught me anything, it's that rabbits want you to have diabetes. I know it's hard for the Easter Bunny, living in the shadow of his cooler and more popluar brother, the Playboy Bunny, it was harder for him with girls, to get accepted, he needed an edge and this edge was chocolate. I mean girls love chocolate, kids love chocolate, it's a can't miss situation; but, try as he may the Easter Bunny still couldn't find acceptance, so the need for acceptance turned to frustration, and that led to hiding those stupid delicious eggs all over your house, sending you scouring your home for hours on end trying to find them all. All the good feelings turned to manipulation, as the Easter Bunny masterfully plays kids against each other, have you ever seen kids at an Easter egg hunt, what starts out as mild-mannered fun often becomes raging bloodlust when one kid has all the chocolates. I know he must have had it rough growing up, probably the youngest of a hundred or so kids, but the Easter Bunny must be brought down, we must snare the hare as fast as possible.
*The Tooth Fairy- Many kids are quite enamled(get it, it's like enamoured, but enamel is part of teeth) with the Tooth Fairy, as this magic mistress will pay top dollar for your teeth. Even as a child I thought there was something strange about this, why did this woman want my teeth, what would she do with it; however, this never stopped me from collecting the rewards thay lay under my pillow. Time and perspective have taught me that the reaping of body parts is something straight out of the jungles of haiti, how do I know that somewhere there is not a little doll with my teeth on it, could every ache and pain I suffer not be due to long work days, but the sick joke of some voodoo master. Can we really trust the tooth fairy? Maybe she is responsible for many worldwide crime sprees, she has the dna of hundreds of people stored away, a little plant at a crime scene, and she's off scott free, leaving some unsuspecting person to go before court where he must tell the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Year after year we let these legendary figures into our home, when the time comes to visit we disable our Brinks Home security systems and let them go about their business, but is it really safe. A couple of Christmases ago I got a nice watch from one of my brothers, but when April came around, sure I got some nice chocolates, but in the search for those chocolates, the only discovery I made was that my watch was missing, now that's something to think about.
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