As a red blooded Canadian male the love of meat is encoded into my DNA. Being that I was never one for hunting(a successful hunt for me is finding my other sock in the morning) I require other means for acquiring said meat. The nearest supermarket down from me has a wide variety of meat for me to choose, but sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to cook it myself, so I let others cook it for me. There are not many fast food places I have not tried, in search of the perfect burger I have left no stone unturned, in my heavier days I could walk in and be greeted with a rousing cheer ala Norm from Cheers. The same places over and over can get quite boring, and with the weight loss quest still ongoing I've been trying to eat their less frequently, but just when I think I am out they pull me back in. Radio and television these days are flooded with commercial after commercial about delicious burgers, fast food chains trying to lure me like wailing sirens luring approaching ships. Places like Mcdonalds, Wendys, A&W all spend hundreds of thousands of dollars just to get my measly few dollars, to gorge on the biggest burger they have all the while sobbing uncontrollably; however, it's Burger king that most amazes me, it is their commercials that without a doubt stir up the widest range of emotions in me.
Burger King is a delicious food, just the thought of it makes my arteries clog, but it's not just the grease that raises my blood pressure, it's their choice of who they put in the commercials. I mean really have you ever seen somebody as creepy as the Burger King, there have been numerous commercials where people wake up and this guy is just standing outside their window looking in. If you see this is your first instinct gonna be to get a burger or get a cop? are you gonna drive to burger king? or are you gonna drive out of the city in fear of this guy? I personally cannot watch these commercials with the lights off, as I fear turning on the lights and seeing him in the doorway. Years of his burgers have left me susceptible to heavy breathing after just a couple of steps(even though I'm becoming more sleek and aerodynamic) and would no doubt fall prey to his oncoming attack. I for one think it's time for the peasant class to light the torches and raise the pitchforks, and join as one to overthrow this creepy King, storm his White Castle and rid our television screens of him.
While I don't care much for the Burger King, most of my rage and confusion toward the Burger King franchise is aimed toward their new spokesperson, that guy who promotes their now Bourbon Whopper or whatever it's called. This guy loves the burger so much he has a tattoo of him eating it on his arm, you know what tattoo this guy will never have, a naked lady, cause he obviously has no memory of seeing one. They say the burger doesn't actually contain alchohol, if this is the case this guy is more of a lightweight then me, and I get a buzz from cough syrup; seriously, he takes a couple of bites and he's jumping on the trunk of his car, and dancing in the parking lot like some hipster dufus. They rightly don't give this guys name out, so people can't find him and punch him in the face, but I say cut the middle man, go to Burger King's corporate office and punch their marketing guys in the face.
Burger King leaves me both rubbing my stomach and scratching my head. In the past, when I had their food it was always good, not good for me, but satisfying. On the other hand, they go and do things like filming their employees telling customers that they've discontinued the whopper, do you know what it's like telling a big person they can't have their favorite meal, it's like working at a zoo and saying "hey mr. grizzly bear, we've decided not to give you your salmon today." Sure it sounds like a good idea, until you wonder why that bear claw is coming so close to your head, and then it hits you. I shouldn't have to watch a commerical and wonder what is going to tear my insides out first, the burger or the guy in the commercial. Secondly, if I wanted to watch a redneck hoot and holler and jump on the trunk of his car I'd watch Nascar. Now if you will all excuse me, I'm gonna relax and take a bite of this here apple, this can't hurt me in any way, ow my tooth.
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