Chile to Haiti: Anything you can do we can do better

It appears God was angry yet again today and took his frustration out on Chile, prompting a massive 8.8 earthquake. Details are shaky (no pun intended.....okay maybe a little intended) but there are now fears that a massive tsunami could strike several places including Hawaii, causing them to move their most valuable citizens, Don Ho, and Dog the Bounty Hunter to higher ground. The head Chile bean Sebastisn Pinera made a statement saying that his country is one of catastophres, and don't quote me on this but I believe he went on to say that Haiti could suck it, and to call him if they ever get a real earthquake. In what is being described as an early silver lining for the Chilean people, it is the two week anniversary of the new We are the World song, so to celebrate all the performers are getting together again, then they will pay further tribute by eating a local Chili's restuarant. Also, you can bet that as soon as he heard the news, George Clooney dropped the little Haitian baby he was holding and is already in Chile planning a telethon at this very second, he is Batman after all, maybe the bottom of the barrel of Batmans but a Batman none the less.

One thing that got my attention in the report I read is that the journalist seemed techinically happy, yet kinda sad that the death toll was only at 200, and that it probably wouldn't rise very much more. I guess nothing brings in ratings like people dying, just look at Joey, even that had a strong start till NBC pulled the plug, cause NBC likes to kill things, sometimes I think their president is Jack Kevorkian, then I think Kevorkian, that's a funny name. Sadly it appears that the Chilean Olympic team will the miss the closing ceremonies, which shocks me because for the life of me I couldn't even remember that Chile had an Olympic team. While I'm sure their Winter Olympics was a disappointment, something tells me their track and field team just got a hell of a lot better, London here we come.

So it appears as I read further that the tsunami warnings for Hawaii have been lifted, and I say good for Hawaii, you've come a long way from the days when you couldn't see the attacks coming , and I see the warnings are still there for Japan, you guys just keep getting the last laugh on the Japanese don't you. It's important that despite the tragedy and disaster that occurred today that everyone remember about Haiti. If you've been living under a rock for the past couple of months you either haven't heard about the earthquake, or your actually in Haiti. After hearing the comments of the head Chile bean, the Haitian president responded with "you call that devastation, our rainy season is about to hit, so up your nose with a rubber house." Who knew the Haitian president was actually a member of the sweathogs.

I'm not sure why these disasters happen to the lesser off countries, but these things always have a way of bringing people together. I mean the girls at work do jeans day for charity every Friday so who says nothing good comes out of a bad situation. Situations like these make me appreciate more where I come from and where I live, because if the biggest complaint I have weatherwise is that I have to shovel for two hours I think my life is pretty good. I'm sure Chile will rebuild out of all this, and I'm sure people will reach into their pockets and give what they have left after Haiti, but one thing is for sure if any more of these disasters happen, North America is gonna need another stimulus package.

Get a Rooms

As a wise man once said "good things don't end with eum, they end in mania, or teria", with that philosophy in mind I decided today to make a visit to our local museum, the Rooms. It was mostly just to say that I was there if anyone asked and also to get a sneak peak at the history of our quiant little province. All in all it was a fascinating waste of a couple of hours, the museums had some interesting exhibits, and they had some need little artifacts. There were many pictures of famous Newfoundlanders, and better times when fish were plentiful, St. johns had not caught fire yet, and women knew their place.

The feature exhibit this month was about the various birds of Newfoundland, I had fun looking at all the different varieties of birds, at one point I yelled at the guy next to me "DUCK" he regretted looking strangely at me when that object thrown by the little kid hit him in the head. After a while I got tired of the birds staring back at me with their dead eyes so I decided to check out one of the art galleries. Not since my days of trying to trying to gain membership into the Black Panthers have I recieved so many you don't belong here looks, wait did I say Black Panthers, I mean't the Florida Panthers, doesn't matter that I can barely skate, I still easily made the team.

The animal and fish exhibits were interesting to look at, I was surprised by the lack of moose, and I also wondered where the large mouth bass was located, but workers there told me that John Crosbie was currently asleep. Outside the galleries, . the walls in the main hallways were filled with pictures celebrating our past, rare photos such as some of our famous explorers, or the last recorded picture of Ron Hynes sober. My mind was blown when I saw the life like stature of Newfoundland treasure Gordon Pinsent, it was blown again when it moved I discovered it actually was Gordon Pinsent. That's right it was Babar in the flesh, but my surprise turned to confusion when I noticed the shackle on his ankle that was bolted to the floor. It turns out he's being held captive by the Rooms, and is only allowed out to film the Republic of Doyle. I told him I would help him escape but he told me he was content, in his words "Eh, it beats the Shipping News."

I thought the Aboriginal history was very well done, there was quite an extensive look at the Beothuks, the Mic Macs(paddy wacks give a dog a bone) and how they hunted and survived before the white man moved in and pulled a Jay Leno. When looking at some of the weapons they used to hunt it amazes me they could hunt with so little when I shoot myself in the foot while playing hunting games on Playstation. Back to the animals for a second, the enormous giant squid was quite an eyeful, attempts to try and steal ink for my printer were thwarted by security, you may say it was a foolish plan, but I say have you seen the prices of ink cartridges lately? I'd be foolish not to try it. Also impressive were the skeletons of the various Newfoundland whales, including the Sperm Whale(hehe), and the Blue whale, not doubt he was blue because he had been captured.

So that was my look at the Rooms, it's one of the nicer museums I have seen, and I've seen at least one. It is good to show people who are new to the province, to show them where we came from and how we got here. In short I guess the best review I could give it is that it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. On second thought, what if I were trapped there in the night time and everything came to life, I could be just like Ben Stiller in that movie, only funny.

Costco: The land of giants and homosexual muffin stealers

Today was a monumental day for me, as I had the rare chance to enter the magical world that is Costco, and it eventually turned into an event that could only happen to me and my sidekick, the bearded one. If you have never been inside a Costco just imagine Giant world in Mario 3, or a rapper's vehicle, it is a world filled with bawdy objects, horribly oversized products that would sustain a normal family for months, and yet its prices are reasonable. The visit started out as most trips to Costco, my mouth agape at the sheer size of all these items, a chuckle at the sheer silliness of them actually having a BUCKET of mayonaise, which led to me picturing myself sitting like Winnie the pooh putting my hand in the mayo and eating it like honey, thankfully I've never liked mayonaise. It was then in the meat department that I may have found my truly calling, I may have found the one thing I now want to do more then anything in the world. I would like to get a job in the meat department, not necessarily butchering, I just want to pop out of those windows and snatch the customers that walk by, think of all the customers that we could attract, curious to see when I would pop out and who I would grab next.

Costco is an exclusive fraternity, so me being granted access was like becoming a member of the Stone Cutters, or the Free Masons, or the Stone Masons, but not the Shriners, although I do look surprisingly nifty in a fez. My reasons for going to Costco were simple, since I had found a way to gain entry I wanted two things, those ridiculously huge chocolate muffins you get there, and an equally ridiculous box of Cheerios. Let's discuss the Cheerios shall we, since I've started the weight loss, my main breakfast source has been that of Honey nut Cheerios, and if I could keep myself in Cheerios for a while that would be a big plus for me. As my sidekick and I walked the halls with the other awestruck shoppers I came upon the huge box of Cheerios, and at first lift of the box I got another idea. Not only could these Cheerios be delicious but this box would be great for arm curls. I was also quite satisfied that I discovered enough Cheerios to have me sobbing uncontrobally near the end that this box of cereal will never end.

Now we get to the muffins and this is where the strangeness begins. Having picked up one box of delicous muffins my sidekick and I noted that you could get two boxes for something like eight dollars. Since it takes like two days to eat one of these muffins I rejected the offer of the second box and moved toward the checkout, and there he was. For the record, I have no ill will towards the homosexual lifestyle, your choice is your choice, I will make fun of them like I do anybody in this world whether they be straight, gay, bi-sexual......you get the idea, but what followed was nearly the start of a war between myself and the gay mafia. The man mentioned that they were on sale as a double pack but I had heard him incorrectly and said that I only wanted one, and as I preceded to ring in the Cheerios I asked one of life's burning questions, a question everyone seeks the answer to "What happened to my muffins?" It was then I saw this man walking, well more like lightly prancing away with my muffins. The cashier, seemingly taking the gay mans side, as he is the one man who would never ever leave her, explained that I didn't want two so I couldn't have one, as this is law in the land of Costco my hands were tied, and I bought the two of them, oh Costco you drive a hard bargain.

I still don't know why the man walked away with my muffins, do homosexual men enjoy baked goods that much, luckily I resisted the urge and my sidekick's suggestion to scream loudly "THAT GAY MAN STOLE MY MUFFINS" which I think would have caused a scene that I wasn't ready to deal with. To recap, I don't care what your sexual preference is, just don't ever....ever mess with a man and his muffins. Now if you would excuse me I'm going to partake in one of these muffins sent by the gods, for I have earned it, I mean I'm pretty sure I pulled something just lifting all those items home.

What's in the news today

In search of something to write about this evening I put on my wetsuit and began to surf the internetz. While hitting some of my favorite news sites I came across some stories that peaked my interest.


The first news story hits close to home as Danny Williams finally broke his silence about his heart surgery. Danny told our local news station that he found out months ago that he had to have surgery on his heart months ago and he knew he'd take heat over leaving the province. And take the heat he did, as he travelled to Miami, Florida to have his surgery, apparently cause all the Dominican Republic doctors were busy. I have no ill will toward our premier's decision to have surgery else where, whatever makes him healthy, but at least lie and say he's in Iowa in minus degree weather instead of resting in his Florida condo. Williams went on to say that he felt great, and that he had the heart of a forty year old man, which coincidentally leads to the second story I found.

Police in Miami were working overtime trying to stop a man on a rampage throughout the streets yesterday. The man, identified as Chet Chelios, who bore a startling resemblance to actor Jason Statham apparently told reporters that somebody had stole his heart and that he was going to do anything he could to get it back. Police officers commented that they had a hard time capturing the man, saying that "just when it seems he was slowing down enough to catch him, it's like he would CRANK his adrenaline up to eleven and he was gone again."

****An update to the previous story, apparently Danny Williams has said he suddenly feels much better and is on his way home quicker then expected.*******

In other news, the head of the Canadian Olympic Committee dropped a bombshell yesterday by admitting that Canada would not finish first in the medal standings in the Vancouver Olympics. Jaws dropped slightly and the chairman was bombarded with angry questions such as "Why don't you tell us something we don't know?" and "What happened to my pen?" asked by one reporter who apparently was so shocked by this statement he dropped his pen. The chairman went on to say that they had not anticipated such strong performances from America, Korea, and some of the European countries, apparently because he was born after the last Olympics and had never seen any of the previous Winter games. He went on to say they would review their policies after the games and if the Winter Olympics ever come back to Canada, they would do things differently, the USA and other strong countries will not be invited, leaving our main competition as Kazakhstan and Jamaica.

Finally, the last story I found was the tragic tale of Star Trek actor Walter Koening, whose boner has apparently gone missing. Koening's boner, which famously starred in Growing Pains, was last seen on Valentine's day, a hard day for a boner to disappear, leaving his wife especially upset. Thus far people have given police the shaft when it comes to any clues, in an act of desperation they have called in John Bobbit, thinking that the disappearance of Koening's boner may be linked to the the missing Bobbit jr. Alan Thicke was reached for comment, and I forgot to write down what he said, but rest assured it was hilarious. Kirk Cameron was also reached, and said he had fond memories of boner and they were quite close, a revelation that shockingly surprised few.

Well there you have it, it's up to you to decide whether these stories are true or false, but one thing is for sure, they may or may not have happened. Actually three of these stories are based on fact, just twisted around for my entertainment without any regard for facts or truth, I'm like Nancy Grace, only more attractive.

A tribute to monitors

Earlier in the week I decided to retire ye olde CRT monitor and upgrade to a sleek new flatscreen monitor. I had debated back and forth with myself on this matter, what is more important, the essentials in life like food and clothing or a new toy, and as it usually does the toy won out. I made my way to Futureshop and purchased a sleek new 23 inch Samsung monitor, that was easy enough, but then techinical difficulties followed, technically I couldn't get a picture on my screen, until my sidekick the bearded one was able to discover that after all my searching, the plug in the back of the monitor was not in all the way. After the feeling of stupidness subsided I took joy in my new monitor, and after I stopped touching it while saying the words "Precious, precious" (if your reading this Bill do the Gollum voice, you always did it better then me, and whoever else is reading imagine Bill doing the voice and you'll get the idea) I wanted to share my enjoyment of my new monitor with others. However my attempts to show people were met with vicious slaps, which made me think that asking strangers if they wanted to see something with a lot of inches and pretty was not the right way to go about things. To bask in the enjoyment of my new monitor, let's take a look at some other famous monitors that the world has seen:

The Hall Monitor-My high school didn't have hall monitors, and it was bedlam because of it. Students often arrived to class bloody and disoriented as classes spilled out and chaos ensued(these memories could actually be from the movie Dangerous Minds, not a bad film, check it out sometime) as there was no one to enforce the rules and guide them to their destination. The hall monitor has an unfair reputation as a Narc, or a teacher's pet but they are only doing the job that they are assigned to do. It's a thankless job no doubt, the target of bullies, the ever present threat of locker stuffings, but someone has to do it, and who knows if Columbine had had a hall monitor maybe that tragedy wouldn't have happened, at the very least they would have had someone to yell duck.

The Monitor.....ummm Monitor- to be honest I don't know much about this lizard but doesn't it look like something you would want as a pet. I know you might think this would be a terrible pet, the upkeep would be terrible but think about it, if it dies you have a new belt, or new boots, and what girlfriend or wife or mistress would turn down that opportunity. In my opinion it would also make a great pet for kids, imagine little Timmy or Tina getting a ride on old scaley here's back, while his or her parents film it for their precious memories collection. I see no harm, parents let their kids hang out with Micheal Jackson right, although he was more of a chameleon really.

So there you have it, a look at some of history's most famous monitors, I hope that I have educated you(and if I have you should probably go back to school) and that you have left a little bit wiser, or at least consumed enough alcohol so that this seems normal and you forget what I said about Columbine, or Micheal Jackson. I have to say I am satisfied with my purchase, between this and my semi-new 50 inch plasma television my living room has had more inches put into it then Britanny Spears, is it still cool to make fun of her, I don't know gossip. I just wanna say goodbye to the old CRT monitor and thank it for it's years of service, you will be given the appropriate Viking funeral, or thrown in the dump, but whatever happens there will be a ten minute period where I will be inconsolable. Well until I get home and see my new monitor; seriously, it's like switching from Rosie O'Donnell to Megan Fox, crap the monitor is still in the corner....awwwkkkkward.

Things from my childhood that have been ruined with age: Pancake Tuesday

Sorry for the lack of updates lately(take down those balloons and streamers) but I went and saw the screening for the Potatoes have Eyes and lapsed into a coma. Actually that's the not the truth, I've been busy with a new job, I was hired as an excuse writer for the all the Canadian Olympic broadcasters, and boy are my hands tired. This evening I'd like to take you back in the way back machine on yet another journey to when I was a lad, and I heard those magical words, we're having pancakes for supper. It was then I was introduced to the tradition of Pancake Tuesday, I'm not sure how or when this tradition got started so I'm gonna do what I do best, and make stuff up. Pancakes originally became famous at the Last Supper, when Jesus performed the miracle of turning water into batter. This miracle backfired when after a bountiful feast of the sacred flapjack he became logy and was easily caught by Pontius Pilot and his men.

The excitement of Pancake day would then turn to confusion, as often times I would find foreign objects in those fluffy golden spheres of deliciousness. My mother would explain that whatever I found would be what I would became when I grew up, such as if I found money I would be rich, or if I found a nail I would be in a hospital, I probably should have not swallowed that nail, but you try and turn down something that is covered in syrup. As I grow older I began to think about this so-called tradition. Growing up I had heard stories, nasty rumors that my arrival into this world ruined the perfect sharing of the then popular drink, oka-dokas amongst my three older siblings. Maybe this was no tradition at all, maybe it was a ploy to get me out of the way so they could revel in their two oka-dokas a piece. I know what your thinking, I'm just paranoid, but oka-dokas were a fine beverage, I know a guy who literally gave his right arm for one, of course he was a leper, we all tried to get him off the stuff, interventions wouldn't work, you know what they say, a leper won't change his spots.

The pancake is still revered today as it ever was, internationally there are houses, temples shall we say, devoted to the worship of pancakes. I as a feeble minded boy would often eat and eat of those pancakes till I was blue in the face, mostly cause I was choking on something that mom had put in there, again the syrup thing. As I look back at the moments before the gagging I can see not just the anticipation on my face on devouring the pancake, but the odd looks of anticipation on my siblings face as well. I was only young then but to this day I can sense a disappointment when I finished my whole plate of pancakes, or when I coughed up the nail, I think I even remember hearing a chorus of sighs as I was handed an oka doka to wash them down with.

I kid of course, my family would never be that mailicious, okay maybe Kelly she had a mean streak, but those days are ruined by the fact that I'm now almost thirty, I'm a bachelor, and if I want I can have pancakes for supper every day, so it loses it's specialness. Hell if I wanted to I could eat pancakes every day, for every meal until I inevitably slipped into dementia, walking around screaming YOU AIN'T GOT NO PANCAKE MIX.............YOU AIN'T GO NO PANCAKE MIX. Perhaps it could be that I could never make a pancake as good as my mom's, once you learned to eat around the foreign object, it was all smooth sailing from there.

Hasn't Haiti suffered enough

It has been over a month since the earthquake in Haiti, and recently God decided he wasn't finished toying with them and unleashed a plague of locusts. The locusts in question are the muscians who came together to re-record "We are the World" to raise money for the ravaged island, and boy what a piece of work this is. That is not to say the original was perfect, sure it had better pure singers, but it also had Bruce Springsteen singing like he was constipated and Cyndi Lauper......well I really don't know what she was doing. The song debuted during the Winter Olympic games and as soon as that British kid started singing the whole thing went downhill faster than a Georgian luger, it's a tie which one was more painful to watch. There were some good parts, such as the spliced in original footage of Micheal Jackson, however not shown was the footage of MJ rolling in his grave at what followed for the rest of the song.

I have to wonder how much proceeds Haiti is actually going to see because this was an expensive video. I bet your thinking that you have seen more expensive videos, this doesn't look that bad but think about it, they had the corpse of Tony Bennett, though I think they cut costs by bringing in Enrique Iglesias, why pay money for Ricky Martin when Erique will probably work for food at this point. Actually I'm told half the money goes to rebuilding Haiti, the rest goes to rebuilding Iglesias' career. They also saved money by having Jamie Foxx do his impression of Ray Charles in the first version, if only Ray could have seen it, of course if only he could have seen it then I suppose.

I give them credit though, whenever something happens to one of the loser countries of the world celebrities are always there to step in and lend a hand. There was the American group for Africa, followed by the Canadian singers for Africa, and what a white group of people these were, though if memory serves we did not get black people till the 90's. There was the lesser known metal version, Starz, sung for kids I believe, and if you've seen the video these are men who look like they'd do anything to....for kids. I'm sure it doesn't hurt their willingness to contribute when tax time comes around and they can claim it as a charitable donation. Strangely missing from the video was George Clooney, who organized the big telethon for Haiti, I guess he figures he's done his part, but really the man should never stop paying for almost killing the Batman franchise.

Also missing was Bono, though I hear there was no stable to put his high horse in so he wouldn't come down off it. I think I saw rapper Lil Wayne though, I thought he was in jail, what could he possibly donate, a carton of cigarettes. I still can't believe they started off with that Bieber kid, what did he just learn about Haiti in his grade five geography class and decided he wanted to take part. Looking further I see Miley Cyrus, which I guess is why R. Kelly wasn't there, though I'm sure there were a long line of guys getting in line for a chance to steal her innocence, too bad Billy Ray already did that, I mean by putting her in the business at such a young age, get your mind out of the gutter, but seriously he probably wants to plow her too. And what in the name of Jeebus H. Christmas was Wyclef Jean doing, he's probably the only there who gives half a crap but that screeching was painful, more painful then when Celine Dion was singing.

So while Haiti continues being Fred Flinstone, you know surrounded by Rubble and picking up the Pebbles, the celebrities have succeeded in not only making money for Haiti but diverting attention from their cause as well. Seriously who is going to cover Haiti's recovery effort when a bunch of stars were all involved in a trainwreck.

I now have sponsors

***Disclaimer**** these sponsors may or may not exist, they may be a product of my all too warped mind and boredom at work******

Throughout the years the term "selling out" has been given a bad name, but companies who are willing to spend money to further my brand of tasteless jokes and entertainment can't be all bad right. Recently, despite the fact that my blog has all the buzz of a beehive in winter, I've been approached to shill for two companies and a movie, so from here on out ladies and gentleman whenever you read my blog you will be supporting these companies, so lets make some introductions shall we, the first is from an independant movie company who wants to get their new horror movie out to the masses.

The Potatoes Have Eyes- Just when you thought it was safe to have French fries comes this new movie from SAMT(Someone Actually Made This) Studios. From the sinister mind of a director whose name is not important comes this mashing tale of mutant potatoes, low in fat but high in viciousness. When These killer chips attack humans bet they can't eat just one. Do not underestimate these evil vegetables for if you do it could be once bitten twice baked(potato) for you. Coming to theatre for you(hopefully never)

Robin Hood Florists-This Valentine's Day say it with Flour.

Greasy Joe's Car Repair and Weight Loss Clinic-this year feel better about yourself by getting rid of that unsightly spare tire. Admittedly poor picture but greasy joe's production budget is not much folks, though still looks better then the potatoes have eyes.

These companies will ensure that this blog remains intact for a long time, and line my pockets with many pieces of silver. They will also ensure you readers get the most up to date news and bad puns I can think of, such as this tidbit:

Many of the competitors in the luge at the Winter Olympics are complaining that they were not given enough time to properly train, and that the luge course is too fast and too dangerous. While Canadian officials are saying they did nothing wrong, I just chaulk it up to the rest of the world being a bunch of sore lugers. Goodnight Everybody I'll be here all week.

I guess Cialis is not an Olympic sponsor

It is every guy's worse nightmare, your alone with your loved one(or paid one whatever your into) but when it comes time to stoke the flame, nothing happens. You sit around awkwardly making excuses, waiting for something to happen, now imagine if some 60,000 people are watching you live, and millions at home. It must have been frustrating for those hydraulic guys, everything had seemed fine all night, things were popping up at the appropriate times, everybody was in awe of the form and size, all you had to do was seal the deal, but now you've sent other countries laughing to thier girlfriends about what happened the night before It was then that the hydraulics crew likely started making those awkward excuses, here are just a few that I bet they came up with.

*Stress- they know doubt started talking nervously about how they had a lot of stress in their lives, they literally had the whole world to entertain and it was a lot of pressure. They say they have been working many long hours, and swear this has never happened to them before but they assured everybody that they were all man. They saw everybody in the crowd with their eyes on them, they were smiling and so happy, all they wanted was to give them a good night, it's their fault, they were expecting to much, it's ok Canada their will be other nights.

*Death- They were feeling confident until the Georgin luger died, how is anything supposed to go up with all this talk of death. Everywhere they turned people were talking about this tragedy so how could they perform knowing what had happened. I for one think it's great that an athlete from such a small country was able to grab the pole position in the luge event, okay okay that may have been too soon, I need a distraction, ladies and gentleman mr. Conway Twitty.........crap I deleted that picture.

*Kd Lang- This to me is the obvious choice, because I'm pretty sure this woman is responsible for erectile dysfunction worldwide. Imagine if you will that Kd Lang is a shadow and men's genitalia is a groundhog, once she is seen it gets scared and goes away, and believe me KD Lang can not be unseen, she will replace the whale in my nightmares. Between Lang and that scary opera chick who resembled scary spice it was practically a boner graveyard last night at the ceremonies, so no wonder their phallic like structures couldn't rise up. They could have at least put Nelly Furtado on after them, could have at least risen part of the way, at least with a semi Rick Hanson probably could have reached all the way.

*Brian Williams- over at his fortress of Versimilitude(where he steals all the grammar and leaves none for me) my brother Bill discussed the fact that Brian Williams is......how should I say it......not very good. I share his disdain for Williams, the guy is only talented when he's describing what exactly what's going at this exact moment, which is about all he did last night, luckily they kept the names to the other announcers, so at least they were pronounced correctly. My favorite moment of the whole ceremonies was when Williams was discussing the torches while Gretzky was on his way to light the outdoor cauldron. Williams said Gretzky must have a special torch cause usually they only last fifteen minutes but his hadn't gone out yet, perhaps he should have been paying attention WHEN THEY GAVE GRETZKY A NEW TORCH ON THE TRUCK....ahem sorry for the outburst. I think Williams was just jealous because he mentioned when he carried the flame it went out twice, he blamed it on a blizzard but we all know he could suck the life out of anything.

I feel bad for the hydraulics guys, I'm sure most guys feel their pain, but Canada is a forgiving mistress, today's coverage only mentioned it in passing, although I'm sure NBC had a good point and laugh. With a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a you'll get em next time tiger Canada rolled over and went to bed, leaving the hydraulics guys to wonder what went wrong. I bet the funny thing is later on that night it probably rose up by itself, but it was too late, for Canada could not be woken up, but at least their manhood was restored, and there were no lingering effects from KD Lang.

Take it in Stride

Tonight dear reader I sit hunkered in my apartment, not because of a storm, not of because of the Olympic opening ceremonies, but out of fear. For you see today I made a mistake, while at the store I purchased a pack of Stride gum and now I fear for my safety. I try to spit the gum out but the flavor does not go away, the minty peppermint taste soon mixed with the salt of tears as I approached jawlock. However, this is not why I'm afraid, I'm afraid because I've seen the commercials and I know what happens to those to do not spit out the gum, I've become afraid to walk down my street, fearing any second some polka band will jump me; I have not eaten all day because I am afraid to go the supermarket in fear of hulk like German wrestlers, wait was that noise? did you hear something?

I could swear there is a van parked outside my house, it is dark and and the snow is high but I know I saw it there, and it doesn't move, what was that noise? they said they would find me, and I can't see companies lying to me, the consumer, through marketing, seriously is it only me that heard that crash? it sounded like a goat but I'm not sure, do we even have goats in Newfoundland? why are you doing this to me Stride gum, I was just trying to give you some business. All I wanted was for you to be a profitable company, now you've got me hiding from a German like I was of Jewish descent in World War II.

I see the blare of headlights in my window, a quick check reveals that it was only my neighbours but I still wonder if they saw me, they are a big corporation I don't know how far their reach goes, but surely if they can afford their own goat their finances know no limit. Why does your flavor have to last so long Stride? I just want to spit it out and be done with it, but instead my mouth keeps moving and moving and nothing comes out, I feel like Helen Keller, only I am not blind to your evil ways. You may think I'm paranoid but I know how they think, they are going to get that gum whether I want them to or not, it's like my dating strategy, persistence plus a little choloroform will always net results, this is why I must hideaway and not be seen.

I don't know when this will end, but I will try to bring updates when I can, oh wait the flavor is gone now, phew, I've spit out the gum, now I can eat, but there's no food, oh well I'll just have this piece of gum here, oh no, what was that noise?

Flame On

One of the hottest topics(pun intended, c'mon its my blog you know the pun is intended) of the Olympics is just who is gonna light the Olympic flame to kick off the games this Friday. Acting as the Bic lighter is a big responsibility, the person will be seen by millions of people all over the world and will be the person who lets the game begins, I know I couldn't do it, I don't have the nerves, plus after a little incident at my restaurant I'm not really allowed to have anything to do with fire anymore. I just want to take some time now and look at a few of the possibilites and explain why they would not be a good idea, and then reveal who I think should be the one to kick off the festivities.

*Stephen Harper- This is an obvious choice, he is the leader of our country so why shouldn't he be the one to kick off the games, well it turns out he kept wanting to porogue the ceremonies, so the IOC decided to go with someone else.

*Micheal J. Fox- he stole our hearts as Alec P. Keaton, and continued to entertain in Spin City so why shouldn't he have a chance to light the flame. While I trust Fox to give me hours of enjoyment on television, I don't necessarily trust him to hold things, especially things that are on fire, I mean the last thing British Columbia needs is another forrest fire, and well what if he drops it and the snow melts. They had to truck that snow in, it would be a waste if the fire was dropped and all the snow melted, and what if it reached the Italian team, all that greasy hair would no doubt make the fire uncontrollable. On further inspection my views here may upset some people, what I need is a distraction, ladies and gentlemen mr. Conway Twitty:

Ok so that was supposed to be a video but I'm technologically impaired and couldn't get it to work, but I hey I forgot what I was talkin about, so you probably did too.

*Pamela Anderson- honestly any attempts to get that torch near her would end in disaster, cause if the implants didn't make her go up in flames, the various infections surely will, although I'm not sure even fire would burn off the remnants of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

*Rita McNeil- any attempts to get her to light the flame in practice only led to frustration and confusion. The frustration stemmed from the fact that she would use the torch to cook chicken, the confusion stemmed from where the hell she got the chicken in the first place.

So those are just a few of the possibilites, and why they wouldn't and couldn't possibly work as the people who light the flame. That is why for me there is only one possible option for the flame lighting, only one person who can guide the country through such an important event, and teach us something as well

*Fire Marshall Bill- there is nobody who is more concerned with fire safety then this man, so who would be more careful then him. Not only would he do an adequate job of kicking our games off right but he would teach the spectators a lesson or two and the dangers of fire and how we can avoid trouble. Plus if he catches himself on fire we can strap a pair of skis on him, send him down the hill and it's the first gold for Canada.

So there you have it, I hope your with me Canada, for if my choice comes true this could be the most entertaining opening ceremonies ever. If anybody from the IOC is reading this do the right thing, give us the fire marshall, and if Micheal J. Fox is reading this, I guess our relationship is on shaky ground right about now, crap I did it again.

Bored of the Rings

Today is a rare sick day from work for me, as my legendary weak immune system and perhaps some Karma has kicked in and left me on the disabled list. That being said, in search of things I do opened up facebook and saw the status of one of my co-workers, he rightly complained about the lack of superbowl commercials that we get here in Canada. The one thing our commercials told us is that the Olympics start on Friday, and boy it's a good thing they hit me over the head with it, or I would have completely forgot. At one moment we got to see Carrie Underwood singing the national anthem in a stunning outfit, the next we get to see the I believe singing girl, who I guess was to act as some kind of anti-Viagara; seriously, is it just me or does this girl look like a demon, a sucuubus sent to destroy the souls of the other countries, ensuring us all the medals.

I will be watching the Olympics like everyone else, and will be cheering on our countries athletes but unless you have been living under a rock for the past few years you know when the Olympics start. It will be nice to see our country showcased for the world to see, and Vancouver has cleaned out all the riff raff for the games, pushing out the homeless, the prostitues, and the Canucks. All this is well and good but is it too much to ask for a commercial that doesn't have Donald Sutherland talking in it, I mean he must feel just a little bit awkward as his son Jack Baur has killed terrorists from most of the countries that are coming to the Olympics, how does he explain that, I guess he says "hey don't look at me, he killed me too."

Just in case your not the type to wait, TSN's website already has the medal count statistics posted on the website. Keep checking it daily but don't be disappointed if Canada doessn't win a medal till Saturday, although the opening ceremonies are Friday, maybe we could win a medal on the march in, though I think they do that in alphabetical order so we might be disapointed, but hey there's always speedskating. I for one was reminded daily of the Olympics by watching the Olympic torch being carried throughout the country, is it just me or does that thing look like a big joint, I mean I know British Columbia has a repuation for marijuana, but how many of the runners do you think got pulled over, I think I even saw Snoop Dogg chasing the runners at one point.

So I just want to say thanks to CTV for cutting out the American feed, depriving us of Bud Light and Doritos hilarity, and Megan Fox in a bathtub, in a bathtub, she doesn't even have to act cause she's in a bathtub, are you following me CTV. Come this Friday I will watch the Olympics, ok not the opening ceremonies, they are a bore, but not because the media told me to but because I like watching people race on ice and snow at breakneck speeds, and cause I want to hear TSN's excuses when our Canadian hockey team doesn't win gold again. I wish our athletes good luck at the games, and I am glad that your actually being rewarded for getting medals this year, and not just the usual complimentary Tim Horton's give card, and I know you will try your hardest, and if that's not good enough we always have that demon girl.

There's no business like snow business

Well it appears it's the time of the month for Mother Nature again as she is reeking havoc all across Newfoundland. The first thing I saw this morning when I arose was pure white out, and after I moved the bottle of liquid paper aside I saw that it was snowing and blowing pretty hard outside. Snowstorms like this are both good and bad, but hey it's snow, it's bothersome at first but eventually it goes away, but hey maybe if the ground were to shake hard enough, people would donate tons of money to us, and George Clooney could host a telethon. I'm not gonna rip on Clooney cause while I'm a dude even I find an eloquent charm in that man's dreamy eyes. The major brightside to the storm was that I didn't have to work today, as the city was shut down faster then me asking a girl out, which means the next non sucky weather day the chicken eaters will be out in force.

There was a scary period of time during the snowstorm when we lost internet connection here. Usually it's the satellite that goes, but this time the internet went down faster then a hooker who falls down a flight of stairs, what did you think I was gonna say, get your mind out of the gutter a girl is hurt for cryin out loud. Reliance on the internet is a powerful thing, and without it the mind starts to think crazy things, I almost cleaned today but luckily I was able to come to my senses and play PS3 instead, I know I know, that was a close one. I figure the internet crapping out was a sign that I should go on the treadmill, so I did, but after all that walking I felt like I was going nowhere fast, still it's amazing how fast you can go when you dangle a twinkie in front of it, I'm going to catch it sooner or later.

Rumor has it the snow is not letting up for a while, and well that just cold sucks. Jeff just informed that there is supposed to be about another 30-40 cm between now and tomorrow afternoon, and more on Monday. I know nothing of the metric system but what I do know is that it's gonna entail a lot of shovelling, luckily I can get some of the kids on the street to do it for me, once you get them hooked on cigarettes they will do anything for a fix. I kid of course, I would never get kids hooked on cigarettes to shovel my driveway, they don't have the lung capacity, I have a 70 year old landlady that does it for me, and one day I intend to help her, but it's so nice to see her get out of the house.

So here's hoping the snow stays away from the satellite, and here's hoping that the pandas return to the village so the snow goes away, and here's hoping that somebody besides Bill gets that dated reference I just made. I guess I can't complain too much, this winter has actually been pretty good, and it's what comes with the territory for living on an island, unless of course it's Gilligan's Island, all Gilligan had to worry about was how to impress Mary Ann, or fighting off Skipper during those particularly lonely nights. It's weather like this that makes me glad for global warming, sure it's killing the homes of polar bears but give them a bottle of coke and they are fine.

Have a Heart

The big news coming out of Newfoundland this week is that our fearless leader Danny Williams is travelling to the United States for heart surgery. I have only caught the gist of the story, and since anybody can report the real facts I'm gonna explain to you what I think the details are. Apparently Mr. Williams is having surgery tomorrow, it was supposed to be sooner but he got delayed at customs, you see when the guard asked if he had anything to declare, Mr. Williams said "Only that I have a bad ticker" which the guard took to mean that he had a bomb, so he was then taken away and detained for questioning. From what I have picked up over the local news they have no idea of any of the fifty states, as all they say is that Williams is travelling to the United States, so I guess this means that the whole country is working on him, and hey they do need jobs down there, so way to go Danny for stimulating the American economy.

There is a fair bit of outrage over the fact that Danny Williams chose to go to America for the surgery. I want to come out and tell everyone that it wasn't his first choice, Mr. Williams had in fact wanted to travel to a place called Oz, where he heard that there was a man there that could give him a new heart, but after some calls were made the premier found out that heart had already been given to another man. I'm sure many doctors across the province feel slighted that our premier would rather travel to another country then be operated on by them, reporters tried to speak to doctors but the waiting times were too long, leaving them stranded in the emergency room for hours on end. Besides, Mr. Williams has been pretty outspoken about the rest of Canada so maybe he doesn't trust other doctors, or maybe he doesn't trust Stephen Harper, the man is prime minister he can get to any doctor he wants.

Personally I think Danny Williams wanted to tell us he was cheating on our healthcare system with America, he just didn't have the heart to(see what I did there). It had to be a tough decision, but I say you gotta go where you think your gonna get the best care, go where your heart takes you as it were. Mr. Williams always seemed in pretty good shape so it surprised a lot of folks when this news happened, how could this have happened so fast? Maybe Danny caught a glimpse of that mysterious UFO over Harbour Mille, maybe he heard that he donated a million dollars to Haiti when all he mean't was to donate 100 dollars, or maybe it was Paul McCartney getting revenge for their Larry King argument. I for one never trusted him, he always was the most untrustworthy Beatle, he probably had Lennon killed for all we know.

I just want to wish Danny Williams luck in his surgery, I'm sure he needs well wishes more then he needs criticism right now. If going to America makes him better then so be it, it worked for the Winnipeg Jets and the Quebec Nordiques didn't it, I mean the Avalanche won the cup, and the coyotes, well good for you for being somewhere warm. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get ready for my doctor's appoinment tomorrow, where did I leave that passport.

A letter to Wiarton Willie

Dear Mr. Willie,

As I write this it is Tuesday Febuary 2nd and reports are that you have seen your shadow, thereby proclaiming another six more weeks of winter. I'm writing you to persuade you that perhaps you didn't see your shadow at all, maybe you were confused by all the on-lookers and you got nervous, so if you would just go ahead and change your decision that would work out better for everyone. Surely you are reading this and wondering what the hell could this man offer me to change my mind, I have the adoration of many people, a loving family, my own little hole in the ground, what could he possibly do for me. Well Mr. Willie I don't have any money, but what I do have is a particular set of skills, and if you stand firm with your decision I will find you, and I will kill you(after going through the proper legal channels and getting the proper license of course.)

You see Mr. Willie you may think your untouchable but I know where you live. I know your not the only weather predicting groundhog but with you in danger ther other groundhogs will recant on their decisions. Believe me I've been watching Caddyshack extensively and Bill Murray has taught me many things in dispensing of vermin like yourself, so be warned. It is very simple, all you have to do is go in front of the tv cameras again and simply say you mis-remembered, then give one of your adorable groundhog poses and everyone will forget that you screwed up, you will be even more of a hero for admitting your mistake.

While you are deciding if you should take me up on my offer, I want you to consider this, I have your wife, Wiarton Wendy, and your kids Willie jr. and little Wiarton Wanda. I do not want to harm your family Willie but you see it's cold, and I can use a pair of furry slippers to keep my feet warm and toasty. What's that? you say you don't believe me, enclosed are pictures of my closet, look at those clothes, see those loafers, form goafers, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest. I don't want you to panic though Willie, I am keeping them in a warm safe place, but if you decide you don't want to play ball I have an even warmer place for them, as my oven is already pre-set to 375 degrees. I have never tried groundhog before, but I'm guessing it'll taste like disappointment, disappointment in you for not saving them.

You have until the sun goes down this evening Willie, Newfoundland time, to change your mind. The choice is yours Willie, will I be suffering through a long cold winter, or will I get an early spring. You think about that while I wonder if I want potatoes or rice with my groundhog, or how nice my new furry slippers are going to look as I watch television tonight. I eagerly await your reply, and I know you'll do the right thing, do not be afraid of your shadow, for only the shadow knows......if I get slippers or not.

P.S. Willie jr just defiled my favorite shirt, so besides changing your decision you must now pay my dry-cleaning bill as well if you want to see them again. After you've made your announcement I will contact you on where to wire the money, and I want large unmarked bills, the clock is ticking.