I'm just sitting here watching the Canadian Juniors game against Switzerland, if you have to ask who is winning you do not watch hockey, or know anything about the Swiss hockey team. Although in fairness they did beat Russia, always an impressive feat. It is not hard to find sports on my satellite these days, besides the staples TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score I could also choose the Nfl networks which would access me to all NFL games, or the NHL network where I could partake in all hockey games. I wanted to get the MLB network, but it was too expensive as it turns out it is baseball fans who apparently have to pay the contract of Alex Rodriguez. As I look through these channels I notice that they have all the major sports covered, and tennis when there is nothing else to show. However by covering the major sports they they have left virtually hundreds of thousands of competitions by the wayside, so I have started thinking about starting my own Sports Network, dear readers I present to you the Martin Sports Network.
Now I'm not naive enough to think that I can get the contracts of the major sports out of the starting gate, so I wanna start small, allow the world to get to know the joe blows of sports. The sorry bunch of miscreants that play the game for a pack of smokes or a sandwich, any sports league is welcome to join my network, well except the WNBA, we are talking real sports here people. Creating an all day block of television programming can be hard and I am open for ideas on what sports I can cover, here are some ideas that I have in mind:
*World's Strongest(smelling) man competion- in this league we round up all the homeless and French people we can find, and each has to compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will decide the strongest smelling man and the winner will get a free bath and delousing.
*2 girls 1 ball in a cup- did you love ball in a cup when you were a kid, well here's your chance to watch all the excitement live on your television. This is a tournament format with two girls competing to see who can get the ball in a cup the most amount of times. The winning girl will recieve an oven so they can go home and bake their man chocolate chip cookies. I am just kidding ladies............it doesn't have to be chocolate chip (the preceding is reason #87 why I'm still single)
Here at the Martin Sports network we also offer some extreme sports for the more hardcore sports enthusiasts, you will be able to enjoy such programs as:
*Paintball Floor Hockey- do you like Paintball? do you like Floor Hockey? how would you like to get shot with paintballs while playing floor hockey. Think your gonna score on that breakaway do ya? not so fast, shot to the leg, gonna go five hole, how about a shot in the five hole. Winning team will win a years supply of paintballs.
*Bobbing for Lobsters- who didn't bob for apples when they were little, ok I didn't, but I have an aversion to dipping my head under water, if I want an apple I'll open the fridge thank you. Anywho, this idea came to me in the supermarket one day when I past the lobster tank, and I thought wouldn't it be hardcore to stick my head in and fetch a lobster. When I got out of the hospital I knew this wasn't idea I should sit on and I had to develop it right away. The winning prize for the person who catches the most lobsters, a lobster stuffed with tacos.
Also at the Martins Sports Network, we offer some new twists to some old and boring favorites:
*The Spelling Bee- think these kids don't have enough pressure, you haven't seen pressure till you've seen it the Martin Sports Network way. Our soundstage for the kids would involve trap doors, making the kids regret spelling the word wrong. Will the kids crack under the constant insults hurled at them, could you spell pteradactyl while somebody alleged that you were adopted, find out for yourself on the Martin Sports Network.
*Curling- I had a curling league set up with little mini explosives in the rocks for when they hit each other but the league fell through when all the curlers switched to Swiffer sweepers. Sure the ice is cleaner but turns out they couldn't sweep the rocks very far, baby come back indeed.
*Squash- not the sport, it's just a half hour showing of a squash, because I think it's a funny looking vegetable and it's my network and I can do what I want.
So with this list of programming(and some illegal piracy techniques) I hope to be on top of the sports media within the first couple of years. By the way the host of every program will be Don Cherry, the man is 95% testicle and you will be too scared to turn the channel. So feel free to write me with any program ideas, or just write me, it's cold and I'm so very lonely.
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