Ahh birthdays, the day of the year when we celebrate our escape from the deep dark recesses after nine long months. Today a good friend of mine celebrated her birthday, my gift of a card and gift card was appreciated but I told her the gift I wanted to get her was not possible. It's an invention of mine that for some reason keeps getting rejected. I took her non-enjoyment of the jack-in-the-box that fires out a chloroform soaked rag as market research that girls everywhere probably would not enjoy this gift. This is not the first time my attempts at the new hot gift item for the year has beared no fruit, as many of my ideas have been rejected. Off the top of my head here are some items that you will not be seeing on your shelf anytime soon.
*Ticke me Cactus Patch- market testing showed that kids didn't want to tickle the cactus patches cause it made their fingers bleed, but never underestimate what kids will do when you withhold their supper.
*Porcupine in a Box- who doesn't think porcupines are cute, after many failed attempts and figuring out that I had to cut holes in the box, I thought this one would get off the ground. As it turns out, the porcupines became quite agitated and many people got stabbed.
*The Shamoo Shamwow- made from real killer whale, you have no idea what I went through to make these. Turns out Shamwow is serious about imitators as Vince Schlomi beat me like some Vegas hooker, who knew Slap Chop was actually a karate style.
*Whack-a-Seal- test your reflexes, see if you can club the seal before he goes back in the hole. As an added bonus, the club is actually a replica of Heather Mills' wooden leg. This game was almost shelved when Paul MccCartney heard about it and wanted to fly to Newfoundland in an outrage, luckily he tore PEI apart but hasn't found me yet. Turns out it was the complaints of Pamela Anderson that nixed the game, turns out being married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock she knew a thing about being beaten and she said it was inhumane. It was totally cause of her boobs, can't be her brains, she doesn't seem that smart, she only got a C in Hepatitis.
*Hungry Hungry Hobos- can your hobo swallow all the marbles before the other contestant, this game was shelved because kids did not enjoy the authentic hobo smell. Attempts to throw in a real life hobo with every game were also not well recieved.
*The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien Board Game- I really thought this was starting to take off, but executives told me I had to replace it with the Jay Leno edition.
*Battleship:Saskatoon Naval Reserve Edition- turns out screaming YOU SANK MY BATHTUB didn't appeal to people so it looks like once again the boys from Saskatoon won't be seeing any action.
You may read these ideas and say he is a terrible person, I see myself as a visionary, these ideas could have been legen......wait for it......dary but people can't deal with what I'm layin down, cause I'm too real. However if none of these gifts appeal to you or anyone you know you can always go the unoriginal route and give the person money. Pretend this person is Haiti and your a celebrity who just discovered Haiti and thought it could be a tax write-off, and give the person all you can. So if it's your birthday today, I say Happy Birthday, and know that right now you could have your very own porcupine.
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