If your like me and you watch a lot of television you have probably seen the new Domino's Pizza ad campaign. The new marketing suggests that in the past their pizza sucked, so they've made it better and they want you, Joe Public out there to believe it. On the surface this is a winning strategy, it makes the rubes think that you as a company are listening to them, and that you want to get better and satisfiy them. However, there is a rather seedy underbelly to this campaign, an underbelly that due to my tremendous brain I have been able to figure out. When I put two and two together, not only did I get four, but I was terrified, I was more shocked then when I discovered my brother Bill actually was taking steriods while playing Bejewled, he says it's for his eye, but after that I was the one seeing clearly. Trust me people when you hear this you are gonna be more shaken up then the people of Haiti.
It's simple if you watch the commercials enough, and they play them a lot, you start to notice something a little odd. It's then that I noticed the real secret behind the Domino's campaign, hardcore strong arm tactics. They show the chefs showing up at the homes of innocent people, the idea being that they want the people to try the new pizzas, but it's what we don't see that should worry us. First they round people up and lock them in this little room, a manuever that they call a focus group. They make people believe that their input matters, that they make a difference. The people leave, happy that they made a difference, maybe a little sick from the pizza; however, what they should be sick about is the fact that the pizza kings now have their personal information, such as address. It is after this that the pizza kings send out their minions to "persuade" these people that the new pizzas are delicious. I mean have you seen the people who eat the pizzas, nobody is that terrible of an actor, okay maybe Keanu Reeves, but they are obviously terrified of these minions and being forced to heap praise on the pizzas.
Take for the example the guy who says "I'm......eating.....my.....words" he is obviously reading from cue cards, I guess better to eat his words then the barrel of a revolver am I right. Take the big angry lady who in the focus group said Domino's needed to start over, she obviously knows a thing or two about a pizza. I'm guessing what she doesn't know is what it's like to have a man show up at her door, so when she sees two, she's undoubtedly going to say whatever it takes to make them happy. Finally there is the last guy, shown trying to get away as fast as possible, his head barely outside the door, almost sobbing "I'm back in". What we didn't see is one of the chefs had a pizza cutter to his wife and family.
This is the new Domino's, not just causing you stomach pain anymore, but mental pain as well. My roomate who is a fan of Domino's says that they haven't changed their pizza, but it could be just fear of the Domino's Gestapo. They must have got to him when I was away, maybe they hypnotized him, hey it worked for the Crispy Crunch people. Actually it didn't, whenever I hear a car horn honk I don't want a Crispy Crunch, but I do feel better about myself so thank you Crispy Crunch people. I needed to get this message out before it was too late, before anymore harm was done, if you see the Domino's people coming run for your lives. or you could be the next topping on their pizza.
THE NEW DOMINO'S PIZZA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE.........PEEEEEOPLLLLLLE
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