Anybody who knows me would say that most of time I'm pretty easy-going, but I am only human(until the adamantium arrives) and from time to time I suffer fits of rage, today was one of those days. Let's back up for a minute, for the past few weeks I've had it in my head to buy a treadmill to help with the weight loss goal, and today was the day it was to be mine. The one I was hoping for was not there, but the one I purchased seemed solid so my friend and I managed to fit it in an all too cramped car(jumper cables, is there anything they can't do) and get it safely back to my house. I must say that so far the treadmill has served it's purpose, I've worked up a sweat, my heart rate soared, and that was just trying to put it together, you see this is where the rage comes in.
I've often had a rocky relationship with instruction manuals and putting things together. I can barely keep my life together so how much luck am I going to have with a treadmill. This particluar instruction booklet was actually quite simple, but there is often a difference between what I see in the book and my finished product. It's like when Homer Simpson tried to put together a barbecue, looked at the product on the box and then looked at his pile of rubbish and screamed "WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT", this is truly the embodiment of every project I've ever undertaken. Generally I do not like feeling rage, it gets me nowhere, doesn't help the situation, but you know sometimes you just gotta throw something, there's something cathartic about winging a small object across the room that makes you feel good about yourself. It helps if you do it to something smaller than you, like a Nascar fan when their wife told them "that Petty fella died."
I just wanna take a minute and thank the makers of my treadmill, because while your product will help me take off extra pounds, you have added to the erosion of my mental health. Giving me a proper diagram to show me where the nuts and bolts go is all well and good, but actually making it so you can line the holes up would be better in the long run. I'm pretty sure proper procedure for putting together a treamill is not trying to tighten bolt, trying another bolt when the first one won't screw in, heaving allan wrench across the room, picking up allan wrench and trying again. I'm also pretty sure that if the process leads to crying, I'm doing something wrong, okay I didn't cry but my feelings were hurt.
After a long arduous process I did infact get the treadmill operational, oh sure I left out a couple of nuts and bolts that could be important, but just to be safe I will have Jeff test it out when he gets home, better to be safe than sorry I always say. Actually I did test it out a little, nothing collapsed or fell apart on the first try anyway, and hey I've got a screw or two loose myself and I haven't fallen apart yet so it may work out afterall.
On second thought, I may skip the running altogether and just keep taking it apart and putting it back together again. It would be good cardio and I could work on my throwing arm.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Congratulations to my Sister
No witty title this time, just want to say congratulations to my sister Kelly and Anders on the birth of their second son. I haven't talked to Kelly yet so details are scarce but here's what I know so far. The child arrived just the other day, came into the world in the usual way, but there was planes to catch, and bills to pay.......I'm sorry that's actually Cats in the Cradle by Cat Stevens, oh Mr. Stevens, your not welcome in America but your always welcome in my heart. In all seriousness I'm sure the baby did arrive in the normal process, which of course entailed Kelly and Anders filling out the requisite paperwork and waiting for the stork to arrive. Hey that's what Mom always told me it was like so that's what I'm going to believe, but for fun let's check wikipedia shall we. Well I didn't find anything on wikipedia but I found this one website, hmmm insert rod A into slot B, lift leg over here, and ahhhhhhhhhhh my eyes, the goggles do nothing. I can't believe I had to subscribe to that, oh well it's Jeff's credit card anyway, and if Jeff is reading this I totally don't know your credit card number.
For those of you who don't know, let's give a little background on my sister shall we. Many moons ago, Kelly was surfing the internetz and bumped into an innocent Swede named Anders, and this poor man had no idea what just hit him. Hey I love my sister dearly, she gave me a place to stay when I moved in here, but Anders is like a gentle deer in the headlights, and well Kelly is like the car that doesn't slow down when she sees the gentle deer on the road. For the record sis that was not a weight joke, strictly a personality thing, love ya. After a couple of years of courtship, and visits back and fourth, Kelly uprooted herself and moved to Sweden, since then she has become fluent in Swedish, I am always impressed when I hear her yelling easily transition from English to Swedish. She also tooking cooking lessons from the acclaimed Swedish Chef and can now chase chickens with cleavers with the best of them.
Kelly has been trying to get me to visit for a long time, although if and when she reads this that may change. I know one day I'll make my way over there, but I worry what will happen when that day arrives. For you see for someone who has never smoked marijuana in my life I am a very paranoid person, and most of my trip would be spent wondering if the Swedish people were talking about me. The last thing I want to do is cause an international incident, and with my luck I could be the only person in the world who could make Sweden stop being a neutral country. Although if Kelly has not done this yet, there may be hope for me, strange things have happened since she moved over there, even the moose are committing murder, read my archives if you don't know what I'm talking about. So Kelly believe me I am working up the strength to come over and see you, I'm building my arm strength cause it's a long way to fly and I don't want my arms to get tired. So until the day comes when I see you my Swedish experience will consist of meatballs and those awesome Swedish berries candies.
Once again I say congratulations to Kelly and Anders. To Kelly I say thanks for giving me a new nephew, which I would spoil if I only knew your address, hey it's like a page long and too hard to memorize. I am glad that both of you are healthy and doing well, although at a whopping 9 lbs you may be walking like you have rickets for a time. To this day your still my favorite sister, the fact I only have one is mere semantics, I know little Oscar has a good home anyway. To Anders, congratulations on slipping one past the goalie, get used to it cause it's the only time this year someone from Sweden is going to score on a Canadian. As a matter of fact if Sweden beats Canada in Olympic hockey this year, I will send you five dollars, that's got to be like a thousand dollars over there isn't it, ok I promise next time we see each other you can slap me as hard as you want for that joke. Finally, to Eric, take care of your little brother, I know you wanted a sister but until she learns how to use an easybake oven your not gonna get much out of her(if Carole is reading this Cordie is an obvious exception, and if Cordie is reading this holy crap you can read already) and hey I'm proof just how good somebody can turn out when you have brothers to watch out for you, maybe I'm not the best example but Mom always thought I was cool.
For those of you who don't know, let's give a little background on my sister shall we. Many moons ago, Kelly was surfing the internetz and bumped into an innocent Swede named Anders, and this poor man had no idea what just hit him. Hey I love my sister dearly, she gave me a place to stay when I moved in here, but Anders is like a gentle deer in the headlights, and well Kelly is like the car that doesn't slow down when she sees the gentle deer on the road. For the record sis that was not a weight joke, strictly a personality thing, love ya. After a couple of years of courtship, and visits back and fourth, Kelly uprooted herself and moved to Sweden, since then she has become fluent in Swedish, I am always impressed when I hear her yelling easily transition from English to Swedish. She also tooking cooking lessons from the acclaimed Swedish Chef and can now chase chickens with cleavers with the best of them.
Kelly has been trying to get me to visit for a long time, although if and when she reads this that may change. I know one day I'll make my way over there, but I worry what will happen when that day arrives. For you see for someone who has never smoked marijuana in my life I am a very paranoid person, and most of my trip would be spent wondering if the Swedish people were talking about me. The last thing I want to do is cause an international incident, and with my luck I could be the only person in the world who could make Sweden stop being a neutral country. Although if Kelly has not done this yet, there may be hope for me, strange things have happened since she moved over there, even the moose are committing murder, read my archives if you don't know what I'm talking about. So Kelly believe me I am working up the strength to come over and see you, I'm building my arm strength cause it's a long way to fly and I don't want my arms to get tired. So until the day comes when I see you my Swedish experience will consist of meatballs and those awesome Swedish berries candies.
Once again I say congratulations to Kelly and Anders. To Kelly I say thanks for giving me a new nephew, which I would spoil if I only knew your address, hey it's like a page long and too hard to memorize. I am glad that both of you are healthy and doing well, although at a whopping 9 lbs you may be walking like you have rickets for a time. To this day your still my favorite sister, the fact I only have one is mere semantics, I know little Oscar has a good home anyway. To Anders, congratulations on slipping one past the goalie, get used to it cause it's the only time this year someone from Sweden is going to score on a Canadian. As a matter of fact if Sweden beats Canada in Olympic hockey this year, I will send you five dollars, that's got to be like a thousand dollars over there isn't it, ok I promise next time we see each other you can slap me as hard as you want for that joke. Finally, to Eric, take care of your little brother, I know you wanted a sister but until she learns how to use an easybake oven your not gonna get much out of her(if Carole is reading this Cordie is an obvious exception, and if Cordie is reading this holy crap you can read already) and hey I'm proof just how good somebody can turn out when you have brothers to watch out for you, maybe I'm not the best example but Mom always thought I was cool.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Domino Theory
If your like me and you watch a lot of television you have probably seen the new Domino's Pizza ad campaign. The new marketing suggests that in the past their pizza sucked, so they've made it better and they want you, Joe Public out there to believe it. On the surface this is a winning strategy, it makes the rubes think that you as a company are listening to them, and that you want to get better and satisfiy them. However, there is a rather seedy underbelly to this campaign, an underbelly that due to my tremendous brain I have been able to figure out. When I put two and two together, not only did I get four, but I was terrified, I was more shocked then when I discovered my brother Bill actually was taking steriods while playing Bejewled, he says it's for his eye, but after that I was the one seeing clearly. Trust me people when you hear this you are gonna be more shaken up then the people of Haiti.
It's simple if you watch the commercials enough, and they play them a lot, you start to notice something a little odd. It's then that I noticed the real secret behind the Domino's campaign, hardcore strong arm tactics. They show the chefs showing up at the homes of innocent people, the idea being that they want the people to try the new pizzas, but it's what we don't see that should worry us. First they round people up and lock them in this little room, a manuever that they call a focus group. They make people believe that their input matters, that they make a difference. The people leave, happy that they made a difference, maybe a little sick from the pizza; however, what they should be sick about is the fact that the pizza kings now have their personal information, such as address. It is after this that the pizza kings send out their minions to "persuade" these people that the new pizzas are delicious. I mean have you seen the people who eat the pizzas, nobody is that terrible of an actor, okay maybe Keanu Reeves, but they are obviously terrified of these minions and being forced to heap praise on the pizzas.
Take for the example the guy who says "I'm......eating.....my.....words" he is obviously reading from cue cards, I guess better to eat his words then the barrel of a revolver am I right. Take the big angry lady who in the focus group said Domino's needed to start over, she obviously knows a thing or two about a pizza. I'm guessing what she doesn't know is what it's like to have a man show up at her door, so when she sees two, she's undoubtedly going to say whatever it takes to make them happy. Finally there is the last guy, shown trying to get away as fast as possible, his head barely outside the door, almost sobbing "I'm back in". What we didn't see is one of the chefs had a pizza cutter to his wife and family.
This is the new Domino's, not just causing you stomach pain anymore, but mental pain as well. My roomate who is a fan of Domino's says that they haven't changed their pizza, but it could be just fear of the Domino's Gestapo. They must have got to him when I was away, maybe they hypnotized him, hey it worked for the Crispy Crunch people. Actually it didn't, whenever I hear a car horn honk I don't want a Crispy Crunch, but I do feel better about myself so thank you Crispy Crunch people. I needed to get this message out before it was too late, before anymore harm was done, if you see the Domino's people coming run for your lives. or you could be the next topping on their pizza.
THE NEW DOMINO'S PIZZA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE.........PEEEEEOPLLLLLLE
It's simple if you watch the commercials enough, and they play them a lot, you start to notice something a little odd. It's then that I noticed the real secret behind the Domino's campaign, hardcore strong arm tactics. They show the chefs showing up at the homes of innocent people, the idea being that they want the people to try the new pizzas, but it's what we don't see that should worry us. First they round people up and lock them in this little room, a manuever that they call a focus group. They make people believe that their input matters, that they make a difference. The people leave, happy that they made a difference, maybe a little sick from the pizza; however, what they should be sick about is the fact that the pizza kings now have their personal information, such as address. It is after this that the pizza kings send out their minions to "persuade" these people that the new pizzas are delicious. I mean have you seen the people who eat the pizzas, nobody is that terrible of an actor, okay maybe Keanu Reeves, but they are obviously terrified of these minions and being forced to heap praise on the pizzas.
Take for the example the guy who says "I'm......eating.....my.....words" he is obviously reading from cue cards, I guess better to eat his words then the barrel of a revolver am I right. Take the big angry lady who in the focus group said Domino's needed to start over, she obviously knows a thing or two about a pizza. I'm guessing what she doesn't know is what it's like to have a man show up at her door, so when she sees two, she's undoubtedly going to say whatever it takes to make them happy. Finally there is the last guy, shown trying to get away as fast as possible, his head barely outside the door, almost sobbing "I'm back in". What we didn't see is one of the chefs had a pizza cutter to his wife and family.
This is the new Domino's, not just causing you stomach pain anymore, but mental pain as well. My roomate who is a fan of Domino's says that they haven't changed their pizza, but it could be just fear of the Domino's Gestapo. They must have got to him when I was away, maybe they hypnotized him, hey it worked for the Crispy Crunch people. Actually it didn't, whenever I hear a car horn honk I don't want a Crispy Crunch, but I do feel better about myself so thank you Crispy Crunch people. I needed to get this message out before it was too late, before anymore harm was done, if you see the Domino's people coming run for your lives. or you could be the next topping on their pizza.
THE NEW DOMINO'S PIZZA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE.........PEEEEEOPLLLLLLE
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Blind Ambition
To those have been wondering where I've been, don't worry, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, to those who were glad when they thought I had finally stopped blogging, sticks and stones will break my bones, but I told my dad and he's an ex-marine, he'll give ya a war like you wouldn't believe. Oh come on, admit it, you have all missed my run-on sentences and terrible grammar, you can't lie to me. I have spent the past week visiting my dad, it was a fun time, and was also an enlightening trip as today I discovered that for the first time ever the Canadian Olympic team will feature a para-Olympian. Brian McKeever will be the first blind cross country skier to ever make the team, and in all seriousness I can say I never saw this one coming.
When asked how he got interested in cross-country skiing McKeever said it all started when he was younger. As it turns out some particularly nasty bullies strapped him to a pair to skies and pushed him down the hill. His unwillingness to go down and the fact that he had a better time then most Canadian skiers led him to believe that this was something he could do. Let's face it you don't always need to see where your going to know which path you should go down, plus imagine the bragging this man can do. I'm terrified to close my eyes going down a hill on a taboggon and here is this man skiing through blindly making his way through the woods.
McKeever making the team is not the only first for the cross country team, as because of the special circumstances the ski team coach has brought in the first ever skiing eye dog. When asked to comment on the dog, the coach said that While McKeever was an accomplished skier he was worried about his finishing time. It turns out McKeever started strong but would often lag in the end, getting misguided, one time in training he actually ended up in Saskatoon. By the time the coaches and other skiers found him he had become the leader of the Saskatoon Naval Reserve. The coach figured by bringing in the skiing eye dog it would keep McKeever on course, and also added "have you ever seen a dog on skis, it's adorable."
McKeever joining the ski team has inspired and fired up the other cross country skiers. Competition has intensified amongst the team as nobody wants to finish behind "the blind guy". Things became heated in a recent training run as McKeever was shot at by a teammate who was lagging behind him. When asked for comment the skier said he was merely practicing for the Bi-athalon. When asked about the silencer and laser sight, the skier replied by yelling "look over there" and skied away hurriedly. Unfortunately, the reporters were Norwegian and able to catch him rather easily. I tell ya between blind skiers and bi-athletes the Canadian Olympic team is a real hodge podge of personalities.
I may joke, but I don't want to take away from McKeever's accomplishment, because it's most impressive. Mckeever and I have one thing in common, neither one of us has ever seen a pair of skis, yet this man can work his away through the woods, while I'm pretty sure I would go the Sonny Bono route, yes even if I was going in a straight line at a speed of 5 km/h, I know I wouldn't be able to stop. Although in reality Sonny Bono used to hit Cher so after that hitting a tree should be less painful I would think. Finally I just wanna say that I think that Brian McKeever embodies perfectly the Canadian cross-country ski team, hard working, determined and totally not going to see the podium come Olympic time.
When asked how he got interested in cross-country skiing McKeever said it all started when he was younger. As it turns out some particularly nasty bullies strapped him to a pair to skies and pushed him down the hill. His unwillingness to go down and the fact that he had a better time then most Canadian skiers led him to believe that this was something he could do. Let's face it you don't always need to see where your going to know which path you should go down, plus imagine the bragging this man can do. I'm terrified to close my eyes going down a hill on a taboggon and here is this man skiing through blindly making his way through the woods.
McKeever making the team is not the only first for the cross country team, as because of the special circumstances the ski team coach has brought in the first ever skiing eye dog. When asked to comment on the dog, the coach said that While McKeever was an accomplished skier he was worried about his finishing time. It turns out McKeever started strong but would often lag in the end, getting misguided, one time in training he actually ended up in Saskatoon. By the time the coaches and other skiers found him he had become the leader of the Saskatoon Naval Reserve. The coach figured by bringing in the skiing eye dog it would keep McKeever on course, and also added "have you ever seen a dog on skis, it's adorable."
McKeever joining the ski team has inspired and fired up the other cross country skiers. Competition has intensified amongst the team as nobody wants to finish behind "the blind guy". Things became heated in a recent training run as McKeever was shot at by a teammate who was lagging behind him. When asked for comment the skier said he was merely practicing for the Bi-athalon. When asked about the silencer and laser sight, the skier replied by yelling "look over there" and skied away hurriedly. Unfortunately, the reporters were Norwegian and able to catch him rather easily. I tell ya between blind skiers and bi-athletes the Canadian Olympic team is a real hodge podge of personalities.
I may joke, but I don't want to take away from McKeever's accomplishment, because it's most impressive. Mckeever and I have one thing in common, neither one of us has ever seen a pair of skis, yet this man can work his away through the woods, while I'm pretty sure I would go the Sonny Bono route, yes even if I was going in a straight line at a speed of 5 km/h, I know I wouldn't be able to stop. Although in reality Sonny Bono used to hit Cher so after that hitting a tree should be less painful I would think. Finally I just wanna say that I think that Brian McKeever embodies perfectly the Canadian cross-country ski team, hard working, determined and totally not going to see the podium come Olympic time.
Monday, January 18, 2010
When I grow up I want to be Jack Baur
The Following takes place between 12:45 and whenever I am done typing
So last night and tonight mark the return of 24, one of my favorite shows. The quality has declined over the years, the stories are somewhat repetitive, I guess there are only so many bad days you can have, but the show still has mass appeal to me, and most of that appeal is Jack Baur. The best thing about Jack is how he can go from retired agent to remorseless killing machine the blink of an eye. There is nobody else who can go from lying on the couch watching cartoons with his granddaughter to killing a guy with a fire axe in about a half an hour. Not only does he do this but he smiles after, I actually don't know what he enjoyed more, the look of happiness in his granddaughter's eyes or the look of pain and death in the bad guy's eyes.
What I've always admired about Jack Baur is that he will do whatever it takes to get the job done, from cutting a guy's head off with a hacksaw to get in with a gang to shooting Robocop's wife in the knee, there is no limits for Jack Baur when it comes to saving his country. The man can disable a bomb with just his PDA and I've yet to figure out how to use my voice mail, this is truly a man we should be looking up to. The man's had more shots fired at him than Jay Leno, he's died a couple of times, been as comatose as a crowd at an Al Gore lecture be he keeps on going. Its like one of the Jack Baur facts states if you hand Jack Baur a lemon, he will use to kill terrorists.
1:00:00
I've often had dreams of being Jack Baur, but I think I'd have to start small, work the small cases and grow from there. I would race around the clock to figure out such things as how my brother Bill scores over five hundred thousand points in Bejewelled. My theory is that he is on steroids but everyone I ask keeps dying before they tell me the truth, I am on to you brother, TELL ME WHERE THE DRUGS ARE. Unfortunately I think my short attention span and overall laziness would prevent me from being an effective Jack Baur, if the show was about me I think they would have to call it 48 cause I'd keep putting things off till tomorrow. I know how it would go, my boss would tell me they know where the terrorists are and I'd say "I can't today, I'm still on season five of the Shield and I have to finish this."
Last night marked the return of a real American hero, and it will be another season full of non-stop, twisting and turning, no time to use the bathroom or get a drink, race against the clock action. I think a big twist should be when the clock hits 11:30 they should air the Jay Leno show, turns out hes the big villain, then Jack Baur kills him, hitting him in the chin cause it's his source of power. I figure at some point the baddies go after Jack's family, probably Kim cause that girl could find trouble wherever she goes, maybe the mountain lion from season 2 will make a return, they have unfinished business. Most likely they go after Jack's granddaughter which is going to lead to some quality rage from Jack, is it so wrong that I want Jack to use her as a weapon, nothing too brutal of course, but she's only small, very easy to swing or throw at somebody. So here's to Jack Baur, saving the world one day at at time, or whenever Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail.
1:29:00
So last night and tonight mark the return of 24, one of my favorite shows. The quality has declined over the years, the stories are somewhat repetitive, I guess there are only so many bad days you can have, but the show still has mass appeal to me, and most of that appeal is Jack Baur. The best thing about Jack is how he can go from retired agent to remorseless killing machine the blink of an eye. There is nobody else who can go from lying on the couch watching cartoons with his granddaughter to killing a guy with a fire axe in about a half an hour. Not only does he do this but he smiles after, I actually don't know what he enjoyed more, the look of happiness in his granddaughter's eyes or the look of pain and death in the bad guy's eyes.
What I've always admired about Jack Baur is that he will do whatever it takes to get the job done, from cutting a guy's head off with a hacksaw to get in with a gang to shooting Robocop's wife in the knee, there is no limits for Jack Baur when it comes to saving his country. The man can disable a bomb with just his PDA and I've yet to figure out how to use my voice mail, this is truly a man we should be looking up to. The man's had more shots fired at him than Jay Leno, he's died a couple of times, been as comatose as a crowd at an Al Gore lecture be he keeps on going. Its like one of the Jack Baur facts states if you hand Jack Baur a lemon, he will use to kill terrorists.
1:00:00
I've often had dreams of being Jack Baur, but I think I'd have to start small, work the small cases and grow from there. I would race around the clock to figure out such things as how my brother Bill scores over five hundred thousand points in Bejewelled. My theory is that he is on steroids but everyone I ask keeps dying before they tell me the truth, I am on to you brother, TELL ME WHERE THE DRUGS ARE. Unfortunately I think my short attention span and overall laziness would prevent me from being an effective Jack Baur, if the show was about me I think they would have to call it 48 cause I'd keep putting things off till tomorrow. I know how it would go, my boss would tell me they know where the terrorists are and I'd say "I can't today, I'm still on season five of the Shield and I have to finish this."
Last night marked the return of a real American hero, and it will be another season full of non-stop, twisting and turning, no time to use the bathroom or get a drink, race against the clock action. I think a big twist should be when the clock hits 11:30 they should air the Jay Leno show, turns out hes the big villain, then Jack Baur kills him, hitting him in the chin cause it's his source of power. I figure at some point the baddies go after Jack's family, probably Kim cause that girl could find trouble wherever she goes, maybe the mountain lion from season 2 will make a return, they have unfinished business. Most likely they go after Jack's granddaughter which is going to lead to some quality rage from Jack, is it so wrong that I want Jack to use her as a weapon, nothing too brutal of course, but she's only small, very easy to swing or throw at somebody. So here's to Jack Baur, saving the world one day at at time, or whenever Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail.
1:29:00
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Rejected Birthday Presents
Ahh birthdays, the day of the year when we celebrate our escape from the deep dark recesses after nine long months. Today a good friend of mine celebrated her birthday, my gift of a card and gift card was appreciated but I told her the gift I wanted to get her was not possible. It's an invention of mine that for some reason keeps getting rejected. I took her non-enjoyment of the jack-in-the-box that fires out a chloroform soaked rag as market research that girls everywhere probably would not enjoy this gift. This is not the first time my attempts at the new hot gift item for the year has beared no fruit, as many of my ideas have been rejected. Off the top of my head here are some items that you will not be seeing on your shelf anytime soon.
*Ticke me Cactus Patch- market testing showed that kids didn't want to tickle the cactus patches cause it made their fingers bleed, but never underestimate what kids will do when you withhold their supper.
*Porcupine in a Box- who doesn't think porcupines are cute, after many failed attempts and figuring out that I had to cut holes in the box, I thought this one would get off the ground. As it turns out, the porcupines became quite agitated and many people got stabbed.
*The Shamoo Shamwow- made from real killer whale, you have no idea what I went through to make these. Turns out Shamwow is serious about imitators as Vince Schlomi beat me like some Vegas hooker, who knew Slap Chop was actually a karate style.
*Whack-a-Seal- test your reflexes, see if you can club the seal before he goes back in the hole. As an added bonus, the club is actually a replica of Heather Mills' wooden leg. This game was almost shelved when Paul MccCartney heard about it and wanted to fly to Newfoundland in an outrage, luckily he tore PEI apart but hasn't found me yet. Turns out it was the complaints of Pamela Anderson that nixed the game, turns out being married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock she knew a thing about being beaten and she said it was inhumane. It was totally cause of her boobs, can't be her brains, she doesn't seem that smart, she only got a C in Hepatitis.
*Hungry Hungry Hobos- can your hobo swallow all the marbles before the other contestant, this game was shelved because kids did not enjoy the authentic hobo smell. Attempts to throw in a real life hobo with every game were also not well recieved.
*The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien Board Game- I really thought this was starting to take off, but executives told me I had to replace it with the Jay Leno edition.
*Battleship:Saskatoon Naval Reserve Edition- turns out screaming YOU SANK MY BATHTUB didn't appeal to people so it looks like once again the boys from Saskatoon won't be seeing any action.
You may read these ideas and say he is a terrible person, I see myself as a visionary, these ideas could have been legen......wait for it......dary but people can't deal with what I'm layin down, cause I'm too real. However if none of these gifts appeal to you or anyone you know you can always go the unoriginal route and give the person money. Pretend this person is Haiti and your a celebrity who just discovered Haiti and thought it could be a tax write-off, and give the person all you can. So if it's your birthday today, I say Happy Birthday, and know that right now you could have your very own porcupine.
*Ticke me Cactus Patch- market testing showed that kids didn't want to tickle the cactus patches cause it made their fingers bleed, but never underestimate what kids will do when you withhold their supper.
*Porcupine in a Box- who doesn't think porcupines are cute, after many failed attempts and figuring out that I had to cut holes in the box, I thought this one would get off the ground. As it turns out, the porcupines became quite agitated and many people got stabbed.
*The Shamoo Shamwow- made from real killer whale, you have no idea what I went through to make these. Turns out Shamwow is serious about imitators as Vince Schlomi beat me like some Vegas hooker, who knew Slap Chop was actually a karate style.
*Whack-a-Seal- test your reflexes, see if you can club the seal before he goes back in the hole. As an added bonus, the club is actually a replica of Heather Mills' wooden leg. This game was almost shelved when Paul MccCartney heard about it and wanted to fly to Newfoundland in an outrage, luckily he tore PEI apart but hasn't found me yet. Turns out it was the complaints of Pamela Anderson that nixed the game, turns out being married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock she knew a thing about being beaten and she said it was inhumane. It was totally cause of her boobs, can't be her brains, she doesn't seem that smart, she only got a C in Hepatitis.
*Hungry Hungry Hobos- can your hobo swallow all the marbles before the other contestant, this game was shelved because kids did not enjoy the authentic hobo smell. Attempts to throw in a real life hobo with every game were also not well recieved.
*The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien Board Game- I really thought this was starting to take off, but executives told me I had to replace it with the Jay Leno edition.
*Battleship:Saskatoon Naval Reserve Edition- turns out screaming YOU SANK MY BATHTUB didn't appeal to people so it looks like once again the boys from Saskatoon won't be seeing any action.
You may read these ideas and say he is a terrible person, I see myself as a visionary, these ideas could have been legen......wait for it......dary but people can't deal with what I'm layin down, cause I'm too real. However if none of these gifts appeal to you or anyone you know you can always go the unoriginal route and give the person money. Pretend this person is Haiti and your a celebrity who just discovered Haiti and thought it could be a tax write-off, and give the person all you can. So if it's your birthday today, I say Happy Birthday, and know that right now you could have your very own porcupine.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Irregulars
When you work in a busy restaurant, you tend to see a lot of people come and go. Some people you may see a lot more then others, these are the people you call your regulars, just like the postal service they are there whether it be rain or snow or sleet or hail. At my restaurant we have a lot of regulars, but they are only regular in the sense that they visit our restaurant every day, sometimes two or three times a day, in every other way believe me there is nothing regular about them. Over the years some of these irregular customers have been given names, names that seperate them from the rest of the customer base, let's take a look at some of these people shall we:
*Ed- no catchy nickname here, Ed is his name and that's what everybody knows him as, I don't even think he has a last name, I personally think he should be called Mr. Ed because based on some of the meals my brother has made him, the man can eat like a horse. Ed is the only customer we have who regularly sits at the bar, so much so that My brother had a sign done up for him and placed at the bar which read Ed's Place. He's pretty fond of the sign, maybe a little too fond as now nobody is allowed to sit at the bar, he even hired bouncers. I got kicked out of work on my shift cause I sat at the bar and I wasn't on the list. Ed can be a handful for the girls, he likes his food a certain way, and enjoys asking for things that are not on the menu. Some of the girls complain a lot about this, so I guess he's not much of a tipper, cause if he tipped well I'm pretty sure they would feed him bushels of grapes and fan him, and man that would need a big fan.
*Big Nose- I bet you cannot guess why the man has this name. Big Nose holds the distinction of the only customer my kitchen manager Bogey has ever barred from the restaurant. Bogey(short for beauregard, and he's a terrible golfter) is a laid back gent, but don't make him mad, cause when he gets mad *dr. evil voice* people die*dr. evil voice off* Months later we saw the return of Big Nose, and we usually see him two maybe three times a day. I usually know he's in the restaurant by the exclamations of "I'm not serving him" coming from the girls. In some cases I'd think they were overreacting, but they do jump through a lot of hoops for this guy, who's meal usually only consists of rolls and tea. There is a silver lining however, despite all the harshness our restuarant has been ant free since he's been coming around. The other day he stopped and talked to my brother and I despite our efforts to not make eye contact. His inane ramblings about the weather were filled with boasts about how our tempatures are better then Texas or China. He went on to predict good weather for us for the rest of the week, he says he saw it on the news but I'm sure if there was rain coming he could smell it a week in advance, the nose always knows. I still don't even know how I made eye contact with him, I'm cross eyed so I was looking at the bar and the back of the dining room, that nose doesn't just detect weather but fear as well.
*The Lovebirds- the lovebirds are a couple that have been dining with us a long time, since around the time we opened for sure, so maybe 6 or 7 years. They are labeled the lovebirds cause they often sit on the same side of the booth, yes foks they are so sweet they could bring a tear to glass eye. The male member of the couple seems to try too hard with some of the girls, one of the girls told me there was an extended period of time when he always asked for fish or something like that, which ended when they chased him out of the store with a bat. Okay so that didn't happen, but it would have been so cool. Much like birds this couple disappears for periods of time, I guess they migrate to other restaurants, but then there are times when they are harder to get rid of then a siamese twin. Personally I've always been a bit weary of the male of the couple, he looks like the type that comes off as charming but would wear your skin as a bicycle helmet.
*Hitler- I haven't had much experience with this guy, except for his penchant of liking the wings off white meat. I believe he was given the name Hitler cause he was pretty overbearing, and one of the girls read a history book and said you know you else was overbearing, that Hitler guy, and the name stuck. He has been mean to many of the waitresses, they weren't even Jewish, and often freaks out if he doesn't get his wings, I never know why, the show itself wasn't bad but it has Tim Daly, how excited can you be about it.
There is never a dull moment at my restaurant, usually just when I think I see it all I haven't. Just when I think I have all the answers, our customers, much like all my math teachers throughout school, changed the questions, come on what else explains why I was such a bad math student. I often wonder what our restaurant would be like without our irregulars, the life of the wait staff would probably be a bit easier, so that would be sad, as them having to work harder is funny cause it doesn't happen to me. These irregular customers are the reason I'm glad to be working in the kitchen, as this way our head office saves a lot in window bills, and I get arrested far less, which in life is always a plus.
*Ed- no catchy nickname here, Ed is his name and that's what everybody knows him as, I don't even think he has a last name, I personally think he should be called Mr. Ed because based on some of the meals my brother has made him, the man can eat like a horse. Ed is the only customer we have who regularly sits at the bar, so much so that My brother had a sign done up for him and placed at the bar which read Ed's Place. He's pretty fond of the sign, maybe a little too fond as now nobody is allowed to sit at the bar, he even hired bouncers. I got kicked out of work on my shift cause I sat at the bar and I wasn't on the list. Ed can be a handful for the girls, he likes his food a certain way, and enjoys asking for things that are not on the menu. Some of the girls complain a lot about this, so I guess he's not much of a tipper, cause if he tipped well I'm pretty sure they would feed him bushels of grapes and fan him, and man that would need a big fan.
*Big Nose- I bet you cannot guess why the man has this name. Big Nose holds the distinction of the only customer my kitchen manager Bogey has ever barred from the restaurant. Bogey(short for beauregard, and he's a terrible golfter) is a laid back gent, but don't make him mad, cause when he gets mad *dr. evil voice* people die*dr. evil voice off* Months later we saw the return of Big Nose, and we usually see him two maybe three times a day. I usually know he's in the restaurant by the exclamations of "I'm not serving him" coming from the girls. In some cases I'd think they were overreacting, but they do jump through a lot of hoops for this guy, who's meal usually only consists of rolls and tea. There is a silver lining however, despite all the harshness our restuarant has been ant free since he's been coming around. The other day he stopped and talked to my brother and I despite our efforts to not make eye contact. His inane ramblings about the weather were filled with boasts about how our tempatures are better then Texas or China. He went on to predict good weather for us for the rest of the week, he says he saw it on the news but I'm sure if there was rain coming he could smell it a week in advance, the nose always knows. I still don't even know how I made eye contact with him, I'm cross eyed so I was looking at the bar and the back of the dining room, that nose doesn't just detect weather but fear as well.
*The Lovebirds- the lovebirds are a couple that have been dining with us a long time, since around the time we opened for sure, so maybe 6 or 7 years. They are labeled the lovebirds cause they often sit on the same side of the booth, yes foks they are so sweet they could bring a tear to glass eye. The male member of the couple seems to try too hard with some of the girls, one of the girls told me there was an extended period of time when he always asked for fish or something like that, which ended when they chased him out of the store with a bat. Okay so that didn't happen, but it would have been so cool. Much like birds this couple disappears for periods of time, I guess they migrate to other restaurants, but then there are times when they are harder to get rid of then a siamese twin. Personally I've always been a bit weary of the male of the couple, he looks like the type that comes off as charming but would wear your skin as a bicycle helmet.
*Hitler- I haven't had much experience with this guy, except for his penchant of liking the wings off white meat. I believe he was given the name Hitler cause he was pretty overbearing, and one of the girls read a history book and said you know you else was overbearing, that Hitler guy, and the name stuck. He has been mean to many of the waitresses, they weren't even Jewish, and often freaks out if he doesn't get his wings, I never know why, the show itself wasn't bad but it has Tim Daly, how excited can you be about it.
There is never a dull moment at my restaurant, usually just when I think I see it all I haven't. Just when I think I have all the answers, our customers, much like all my math teachers throughout school, changed the questions, come on what else explains why I was such a bad math student. I often wonder what our restaurant would be like without our irregulars, the life of the wait staff would probably be a bit easier, so that would be sad, as them having to work harder is funny cause it doesn't happen to me. These irregular customers are the reason I'm glad to be working in the kitchen, as this way our head office saves a lot in window bills, and I get arrested far less, which in life is always a plus.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Mark McGwire admits steroids use, in more shocking news the sky is blue
Yesterday was a big day for people who enjoy the phrase I told you so, as Mark McGwire finally admitted one of the world's worst kept secrets since how they get the caramilk in the caramilk bar. McGwire reported that throughout his career there were periods of time when he used steroids, one of these periods just happened to be when he broke the homerun record, and somewhere Hank Aaron could be heard laughing uncontrobally. Reaction through baseball has been widespread, calls to ban him from the Hall of Fame, to take away the record, or put an asterisk next to it; seriously, between McGwire and Barry Bonds the hall of fame record is gonna have more stars then Gigli. When asked for his comments, Roger Clemens said he had a statement prepared but he mis-remembered it, and Sammy Sosa when asked totally forgot how to speak English again.
McGwire's press conference was short, he managed to duck most questions by instead asking if the reporters wanted to see him hit some dingers, the universal answer was yes, yes they would like to see him hit some dingers. I assume his confession will mean once again looking into players from that time, and I assume the answers will be the same. Rafeal Palmeiro will deny again using steriods, saying he only used Viagara, and that was to get more then his stats up. Barry Bonds will deny ever using steroids, get angry at the reporters for not leaving him alone, rip up a phone book, and then go back to training his muscular 6'9 240 lb 11 year old how to swing properly.
McGwire confessed now because he is to be the hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals and to paraphrase he "always knew it would come out eventually." I'd say it was bound to come out, suspicion likely arose when half your home runs came when you were trying to bunt, or the fact that your arms blocked out the umpire, or the infamous time after a bad call you turned Green, yelled "MARK SMASH" and destroyed a dugout. In a somewhat eerie conicidence immediately after the press conference was over, Jose Canseco came out with a new book titled "I told you so, now where's my money."
Amongst the Cardinals, reaction was mixed. Pitcher Chris Carpenter said McGwire should be ashamed and was promptly traded to the Pirates. Albert Pujols(hehehe, if you don't get it say his name slowly, and the J is silent) said he didn't need steroids to be a better hitter and that his diet of Mcdonalds and Slurpee's would do just fine. Matt Holiday said he didn't care, Mark already worked with him and gave him all the nee.....uhm tips that he could. Everybody wondered why David Eckstein was there, to which he explained that he wanted to be "big and strong like Mark."
Back in the days of Roger Maris and Hank Aaron, there was no talk of steriods or asterisks or scandal. That's why I will always think that the feats of those two men will be most impressive. Its not to say that what McGwire and Sosa and Bonds did was not impressive, as both McGwire and Bonds were pretty broken down, I think Bonds had to be carried around the bases at the end. I did not forget Sosa, he worked hard too, managing to hide all the cork in his bat, and struggling with the side effects of steriods, most devastatingly losing his ability to speak and understand English at the baseball hearings. Its just that with every record today seemingly being tainted, trying to find something bad about Roger Maris or Hank Aaron is like trying to find a needle in a clubhouse.
McGwire's press conference was short, he managed to duck most questions by instead asking if the reporters wanted to see him hit some dingers, the universal answer was yes, yes they would like to see him hit some dingers. I assume his confession will mean once again looking into players from that time, and I assume the answers will be the same. Rafeal Palmeiro will deny again using steriods, saying he only used Viagara, and that was to get more then his stats up. Barry Bonds will deny ever using steroids, get angry at the reporters for not leaving him alone, rip up a phone book, and then go back to training his muscular 6'9 240 lb 11 year old how to swing properly.
McGwire confessed now because he is to be the hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals and to paraphrase he "always knew it would come out eventually." I'd say it was bound to come out, suspicion likely arose when half your home runs came when you were trying to bunt, or the fact that your arms blocked out the umpire, or the infamous time after a bad call you turned Green, yelled "MARK SMASH" and destroyed a dugout. In a somewhat eerie conicidence immediately after the press conference was over, Jose Canseco came out with a new book titled "I told you so, now where's my money."
Amongst the Cardinals, reaction was mixed. Pitcher Chris Carpenter said McGwire should be ashamed and was promptly traded to the Pirates. Albert Pujols(hehehe, if you don't get it say his name slowly, and the J is silent) said he didn't need steroids to be a better hitter and that his diet of Mcdonalds and Slurpee's would do just fine. Matt Holiday said he didn't care, Mark already worked with him and gave him all the nee.....uhm tips that he could. Everybody wondered why David Eckstein was there, to which he explained that he wanted to be "big and strong like Mark."
Back in the days of Roger Maris and Hank Aaron, there was no talk of steriods or asterisks or scandal. That's why I will always think that the feats of those two men will be most impressive. Its not to say that what McGwire and Sosa and Bonds did was not impressive, as both McGwire and Bonds were pretty broken down, I think Bonds had to be carried around the bases at the end. I did not forget Sosa, he worked hard too, managing to hide all the cork in his bat, and struggling with the side effects of steriods, most devastatingly losing his ability to speak and understand English at the baseball hearings. Its just that with every record today seemingly being tainted, trying to find something bad about Roger Maris or Hank Aaron is like trying to find a needle in a clubhouse.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Let's talk about Tiger again shall we
No, not Tiger Woods this time but an actual honest to goodness tiger. While reading the news sites today I stumbled upon a story about a sixty-six year old man in Ontario who was killed by his pet tiger. The man has apparently had a bunch of exotic animals for years, despite the complaints of neighbours, apparently he had a soft spot for these animals, a soft spot which the tiger found quite delicious. What possible motive or motives could the tiger have for eating the man who for years kept this large cat enslaved? Obviously we cannot get inside the head of the tiger, well I guess the owner did but that was a pretty harsh way to get in there. Allow me to present you now some of the reasons why I think this tiger suddenly pulled a Siegfried and take a before dinner snack:
*Tiger Woods- ok I said I wasn't going to talk about him but the man has obviously given tigers all across the world a bad name. Maybe the tiger saw the repeated news coverage about his infidelities and felt ignored, so he lashed out on his owner, weeks of frustration and resentment towards the golfer unleashed in one big furry ball of fury. I guess there is not much of a difference between the two, because now both are in trouble for eating something they shouldn't have. Although I guess the ways of handling it are different, one tiger will surely be neutered to calm down, while the other one may be shipped off to a zoo somewhere or likely put down.
*The Bengals lost- here is an NFL team that adorns the color of the tiger, uses the name of a tiger but in their playoff game were truly not hat grrrrreat. I mean they lost to the Jets, and I know its the playoffs and any team can get hot, but the Bengals were one of the best teams all year and they fell faster then their teammate out of a moving truck. Perhaps the tiger was angry at being associated with losers, maybe the tiger had money on the Bengals, the report didn't say if the man's wallet or valuables had suddenly gone missing, but maybe the tiger robbed him too so he could pay off his debts.
*It's a tiger livin in freakin Ontario- I kinda wanted to save the obvious for last, but I know it's the first thing I thought of when I read this article. Apparently the man has had this tiger for a few years, that's at least 3 or 4 Canadian winters the tiger has had to deal with, so eventually it's gonna snap and not be able to take it anymore. I could be wrong but didn't Ontario have some snow lately, and with all of our soldiers busy there is no one to shovel snow, well maybe not the fine folks of the Saskatoon naval reserve, but they probably can't afford the trip to Ontario, as I can't see their budget being very high. Lord knows a banner weekend for the troops is a box of a dozen Tim Horton's doughnut instead of fighting over half a dozen, which they call their manuevers, anywho I digress. The tiger was most assuredly cold, probably lured the owner in for a snuggle for body heat, but you don't snuggle with tigers, you strap yourself in and feel the g's, or in this case teeth. I don't know if you could eat tigers, the animal activists would probably be all over you, but I do that that mixing tiger with harsh cold is a recipe for disaster.
I just want to end by giving a shoutout to the person who was able to take the tiger and lock it in a seperate part of the cage. I forget if it was a man or woman but here is an animal that probably was not calmed down yet, and they managed to take and push it away and lock it up. Surely this person has stones the size of bowling balls, of if it was a woman I'm sure they baked it some muffins or something(if your counting, that's reason number 101 why I'm single). Seeing a person ravaged like a buffet line with sumo wrestlers is something that cannot be that is easy to see, and yet to act quickly is quite brave and an alternative to my plan of running backwards away from the tiger. If you ask me the tiger's mistake was staying to admire it's work, it got cocky, obviously wanted to boast, it should have fled, went on the lamb, and then eaten that too. Of course this would have made the tiger even more hated, cause from my experience with the wait staff I work with, if there is anything people hate, it's a dine and dash.
*Tiger Woods- ok I said I wasn't going to talk about him but the man has obviously given tigers all across the world a bad name. Maybe the tiger saw the repeated news coverage about his infidelities and felt ignored, so he lashed out on his owner, weeks of frustration and resentment towards the golfer unleashed in one big furry ball of fury. I guess there is not much of a difference between the two, because now both are in trouble for eating something they shouldn't have. Although I guess the ways of handling it are different, one tiger will surely be neutered to calm down, while the other one may be shipped off to a zoo somewhere or likely put down.
*The Bengals lost- here is an NFL team that adorns the color of the tiger, uses the name of a tiger but in their playoff game were truly not hat grrrrreat. I mean they lost to the Jets, and I know its the playoffs and any team can get hot, but the Bengals were one of the best teams all year and they fell faster then their teammate out of a moving truck. Perhaps the tiger was angry at being associated with losers, maybe the tiger had money on the Bengals, the report didn't say if the man's wallet or valuables had suddenly gone missing, but maybe the tiger robbed him too so he could pay off his debts.
*It's a tiger livin in freakin Ontario- I kinda wanted to save the obvious for last, but I know it's the first thing I thought of when I read this article. Apparently the man has had this tiger for a few years, that's at least 3 or 4 Canadian winters the tiger has had to deal with, so eventually it's gonna snap and not be able to take it anymore. I could be wrong but didn't Ontario have some snow lately, and with all of our soldiers busy there is no one to shovel snow, well maybe not the fine folks of the Saskatoon naval reserve, but they probably can't afford the trip to Ontario, as I can't see their budget being very high. Lord knows a banner weekend for the troops is a box of a dozen Tim Horton's doughnut instead of fighting over half a dozen, which they call their manuevers, anywho I digress. The tiger was most assuredly cold, probably lured the owner in for a snuggle for body heat, but you don't snuggle with tigers, you strap yourself in and feel the g's, or in this case teeth. I don't know if you could eat tigers, the animal activists would probably be all over you, but I do that that mixing tiger with harsh cold is a recipe for disaster.
I just want to end by giving a shoutout to the person who was able to take the tiger and lock it in a seperate part of the cage. I forget if it was a man or woman but here is an animal that probably was not calmed down yet, and they managed to take and push it away and lock it up. Surely this person has stones the size of bowling balls, of if it was a woman I'm sure they baked it some muffins or something(if your counting, that's reason number 101 why I'm single). Seeing a person ravaged like a buffet line with sumo wrestlers is something that cannot be that is easy to see, and yet to act quickly is quite brave and an alternative to my plan of running backwards away from the tiger. If you ask me the tiger's mistake was staying to admire it's work, it got cocky, obviously wanted to boast, it should have fled, went on the lamb, and then eaten that too. Of course this would have made the tiger even more hated, cause from my experience with the wait staff I work with, if there is anything people hate, it's a dine and dash.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Barrack Obama to get Lost....
Possibly pre-empted in Febuary that is. It appears that everyone's favorite president(besides the ones that voted for the other guy of course) may be scheduling his state of the union address as the same night as the season premiere of Lost's 6th and final season. Die hard fans of Lost are already in panic mode, using there greatest weapons, snarky humor and the internet to try and convince the prez to run his speech another night. I say give Obama a chance, how do we know he's not a fan himself, maybe his state of the union address is actually to answer some of the questions that all lost fans have; however, if the man gives away any spoilers you know his popularity rating is gonna drop faster then Juliet when she let go of Sawyer's hand, why couldn't you hold on tighter you lovable con man you.
We don't know what goes inside the white house, maybe the Obama's have a weekly Lost night, arguing over who's cuter Kate or Juliet, or clenching their fists in anger over the antics of Benjamin Linus. Can't you just picture the president standing in front of a mirror trying to talk like Desmond like we all have when we are bored....um I mean I've never tried it cause that would be a little bit weird. I know one thing, if he could tell me why that Cynthia chick was in Hurley's mental institution, I'd move to the United States and become a citizen just so I could vote for him for re-election because that's been driving me nuts since season 2.
Perhaps his address will be something huge like he's gonna spend billions of dollars to try and find the island, lord knows Bush wasted tons of money trying to find things that didn't exist. Perhaps he'll keep flying air force one over the skies to see if he can hit the mysterious ball of electromagnetism, don't worry if he crashes Jack is a doctor he can save him. Now see me being an evil person, if I was scheduling the presidential address for that night, I would start it with the whiteout that ended last season and slowly fade in drawing suspension and then revealing Mr. President stood at the podium. Then he would launch into his speech about healthcare reform ironically enough causing strokes in most of the viewers. Most people wouldn't want to see that, they don't care what happens to people today, they wanna see what happened to people on the island thirty years ago.
Honestly folks, what questions would you rather know the answers too, how the new healthcare system works, or how the hell is their two Locke's? when is the war in Iraq gonna end? or how is Lost gonna end? If it is absolutely necessary for Mr. Obama to interrupt what us fans have been waiting for for so long, I hope he least wheres a Darma jumpsuit, like the time Bush wore the fighter pilot uniform on the boat, making up for the last time he was supposed to where a uniform and didn't, it could be Obama's way of making it up to the people. Actually for me watching either wouldn't be much different because when it comes to the show or what's goin on in America I have no clue. Oh well at least till then I have the Shield, Micheal Chiklis might look like a testicle but I know exactly what he's doin.
P.S. the above article main contain spoilers, and if you read any of them, haha made you look, but really it's too late for you to catch up now, so I've done you a favor, Namaste.
We don't know what goes inside the white house, maybe the Obama's have a weekly Lost night, arguing over who's cuter Kate or Juliet, or clenching their fists in anger over the antics of Benjamin Linus. Can't you just picture the president standing in front of a mirror trying to talk like Desmond like we all have when we are bored....um I mean I've never tried it cause that would be a little bit weird. I know one thing, if he could tell me why that Cynthia chick was in Hurley's mental institution, I'd move to the United States and become a citizen just so I could vote for him for re-election because that's been driving me nuts since season 2.
Perhaps his address will be something huge like he's gonna spend billions of dollars to try and find the island, lord knows Bush wasted tons of money trying to find things that didn't exist. Perhaps he'll keep flying air force one over the skies to see if he can hit the mysterious ball of electromagnetism, don't worry if he crashes Jack is a doctor he can save him. Now see me being an evil person, if I was scheduling the presidential address for that night, I would start it with the whiteout that ended last season and slowly fade in drawing suspension and then revealing Mr. President stood at the podium. Then he would launch into his speech about healthcare reform ironically enough causing strokes in most of the viewers. Most people wouldn't want to see that, they don't care what happens to people today, they wanna see what happened to people on the island thirty years ago.
Honestly folks, what questions would you rather know the answers too, how the new healthcare system works, or how the hell is their two Locke's? when is the war in Iraq gonna end? or how is Lost gonna end? If it is absolutely necessary for Mr. Obama to interrupt what us fans have been waiting for for so long, I hope he least wheres a Darma jumpsuit, like the time Bush wore the fighter pilot uniform on the boat, making up for the last time he was supposed to where a uniform and didn't, it could be Obama's way of making it up to the people. Actually for me watching either wouldn't be much different because when it comes to the show or what's goin on in America I have no clue. Oh well at least till then I have the Shield, Micheal Chiklis might look like a testicle but I know exactly what he's doin.
P.S. the above article main contain spoilers, and if you read any of them, haha made you look, but really it's too late for you to catch up now, so I've done you a favor, Namaste.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Festive Fallout
As I write this the current date on your mortal calender is January 7th 2010. January is supposed to be time of rest for my restaurant, nobody is supposed to have any money left after Christmas, but this year thanks to the promotion our company ran during the wildly popular festive special nobody needs money to eat chicken. To celebrate 20 years of our loyal fanbase gorging themselves with chicken after chicken, fry after fry, our patrons were rewarded with a buy one get one free coupon that can be redeemed in January. The corporate suits thought this would be a good idea to get people in to our restuarant, a problem we have never really had in the past. Well the idea worked, as people have responded in droves, I think I used this analogy before but I swear it's like people told them that Jesus was back, and he had bread and fish for everyone.
It is seldom that in January you see line-ups hit so early and stay so long, as I escaped tonight there were still hordes of customers laying in wait, salivating over their oncoming feast. It is times like these that I want to throw a chicken leg into the crowd and start a riot, but I am a good company man so I do not. I am by no means a mathmatical genius but I can't see how our company is not losing money by giving away these coupons, I know it is bringing people in, and it's better then having somebody stand in the parking lot shooting a gun saying "get your chicken here." It took us two years to recover from that stunt and that's why I'm not allowed to particpate in meetings anymore. Maybe we could have taken the Oprah approach, and round everyone up and scream "AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN!
It's not just that our guests love a deal, I mean who doesn't, it's that whenever people see the word free, they instantly turn into McGyver, figuring out what they can use to get the most stuff for free, or how they can get around all the loopholes that are in one place. I think I even saw one customer fashion a fishing line out of string and and ordinary paper clip to try and reel in a quarter white when they were told they couldn't get it on takeout. I know being busy is good, and it makes time go fast, and it keeps me employed, but just a break is all I ask, people could have at least waited a week or so before cashing these coupons in. I guess these coupons are flammable cause they were burning a hole in everyone's pocket.
I love chicken, after the cow it's the most delicious animal on earth, with an honorable mention going out to pigs but I don't think I could wait in line as long as some of these people do. Our chicken is great, but unless somebody is not telling me something I don't think there is a chicken shortage, so if you don't get it one day you will surely get it the next. Maybe for our next promotion we can do a little fear mongering, start a rumor that the chicken population is dwindling and that they have to act fast if they want it, I'm pretty sure some of our guests would take out second mortagages to get some of it, supply and demand is a powerful thing.
I said it before, it is good when business is good, it has allowed me all the shiny things I possess, but every now and then a break is good, I hear through the grapevine that a storm may be approaching so it could be coming soon. The coupons are no good on the weekends anyway so where was the snow when we needed it, curse you unseasonable warmth. So please come in, enjoy your free chicken, but know that the chicken you are eating probably had a family, somehwere there is an orphaned chicken left behind, let's see if your free chicken is so easy to swallow now.
It is seldom that in January you see line-ups hit so early and stay so long, as I escaped tonight there were still hordes of customers laying in wait, salivating over their oncoming feast. It is times like these that I want to throw a chicken leg into the crowd and start a riot, but I am a good company man so I do not. I am by no means a mathmatical genius but I can't see how our company is not losing money by giving away these coupons, I know it is bringing people in, and it's better then having somebody stand in the parking lot shooting a gun saying "get your chicken here." It took us two years to recover from that stunt and that's why I'm not allowed to particpate in meetings anymore. Maybe we could have taken the Oprah approach, and round everyone up and scream "AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN!
It's not just that our guests love a deal, I mean who doesn't, it's that whenever people see the word free, they instantly turn into McGyver, figuring out what they can use to get the most stuff for free, or how they can get around all the loopholes that are in one place. I think I even saw one customer fashion a fishing line out of string and and ordinary paper clip to try and reel in a quarter white when they were told they couldn't get it on takeout. I know being busy is good, and it makes time go fast, and it keeps me employed, but just a break is all I ask, people could have at least waited a week or so before cashing these coupons in. I guess these coupons are flammable cause they were burning a hole in everyone's pocket.
I love chicken, after the cow it's the most delicious animal on earth, with an honorable mention going out to pigs but I don't think I could wait in line as long as some of these people do. Our chicken is great, but unless somebody is not telling me something I don't think there is a chicken shortage, so if you don't get it one day you will surely get it the next. Maybe for our next promotion we can do a little fear mongering, start a rumor that the chicken population is dwindling and that they have to act fast if they want it, I'm pretty sure some of our guests would take out second mortagages to get some of it, supply and demand is a powerful thing.
I said it before, it is good when business is good, it has allowed me all the shiny things I possess, but every now and then a break is good, I hear through the grapevine that a storm may be approaching so it could be coming soon. The coupons are no good on the weekends anyway so where was the snow when we needed it, curse you unseasonable warmth. So please come in, enjoy your free chicken, but know that the chicken you are eating probably had a family, somehwere there is an orphaned chicken left behind, let's see if your free chicken is so easy to swallow now.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Canada loses World Juniors, TSN implodes
Alex Trebek, Pamela Anderson, maple syrup, and now the gold medal in hockey, these are just a few things that America has taken from us. I was prepared to write this post when the score was 5-3, the commentators were quiet, they like myself figured the end was near, but then it was 5-4. A couple of minutes later people all over Canada celebrated as the Canadian team scored the tying goal, except those in Quebec, I don't know what they did but I assume it involved poutine and talk of seperation. In Canada we sat at the edge of our seats, In America I assume they didn't watch it cause since they lost the glowing puck they can't seem to follow that thing. Then it happened, the Americans scored, quieting the place in a heartbeat, there would be no 6th straight medal for Canada.
It was then a funny thing happened, TSN started to unravel, Gord Miller's jaw was stuck in the dropped position, Pierre McGuire was pulling out what hair he had left, and Bob McKenzie's head had exploded, taking out 2 other panelists as well. After this the camera started to go all fuzzy, shaking out of control and it went blank. Reports that the TSN building collapsed to the ground are unfounded, I checked a few minutes ago, they are airing the Leafs game, and they are losing so everything seems to be back to normal. Obviously the USA are a great team, hell they should have beat Canada on New Year's eve so they should not feel bad about the loss, at least it wasn't Switzerland, looking at you Russia.
A lot of Canadians are probably second guessing the team, wondering what they could have done different, do you know what I blame it on? that stupid new cheer that was developed for Canadian hockey, the EH O Canada Go chant. This thing has no rhythem, there is no flow, so you see every time the fans started to chant this phrase the Canadian players would look up in confusion and say what the hell are they saying, that doesn't sound very good, and then bam, the US players take the puck and go down and score. So on behalf the rest of the country I'd like to thank the person who created that cheer for making us lose are gold medal, I hope your proud of yourself.
It was an awesome game though, and the Canadian team have nothing to be ashamed of, even if there are probably a group of patriotic Canadians looking to storm the border(don't tell them we have a nuclear bomb, ok it's filled with maple syrup but still they don't have to know that). During the medal presentation there were a few things that made me wonder, first of all is I think they found the original Mountie, because one of the guys they had there was like 2oo years old, I seriously think he was asleep the whole time. The second thing was that there were representives there of the Saskatoon naval reserve. Is it just me or does this have to be the most boring weekend known to man, I mean is there even water in Saskatoon? I imagine it's just a group of twenty-somethings sitting around playing Socom: Navy Seals on Ps2, not every soldier gets the exciting job, like shovelling out Toronto.
So as the saying goes, there is always next year, and if I heard correctly next year's tournament is in Buffalo. I wonder how many teams will leave with the equipment they came with, or even if it will be broadcast with the same passion that it will be broadcast on Canadian television. Its the old philosophical question, if a country hosts a hockey tournament and there's no one around to broadcast it, did they really have a hockey tournament?
It was then a funny thing happened, TSN started to unravel, Gord Miller's jaw was stuck in the dropped position, Pierre McGuire was pulling out what hair he had left, and Bob McKenzie's head had exploded, taking out 2 other panelists as well. After this the camera started to go all fuzzy, shaking out of control and it went blank. Reports that the TSN building collapsed to the ground are unfounded, I checked a few minutes ago, they are airing the Leafs game, and they are losing so everything seems to be back to normal. Obviously the USA are a great team, hell they should have beat Canada on New Year's eve so they should not feel bad about the loss, at least it wasn't Switzerland, looking at you Russia.
A lot of Canadians are probably second guessing the team, wondering what they could have done different, do you know what I blame it on? that stupid new cheer that was developed for Canadian hockey, the EH O Canada Go chant. This thing has no rhythem, there is no flow, so you see every time the fans started to chant this phrase the Canadian players would look up in confusion and say what the hell are they saying, that doesn't sound very good, and then bam, the US players take the puck and go down and score. So on behalf the rest of the country I'd like to thank the person who created that cheer for making us lose are gold medal, I hope your proud of yourself.
It was an awesome game though, and the Canadian team have nothing to be ashamed of, even if there are probably a group of patriotic Canadians looking to storm the border(don't tell them we have a nuclear bomb, ok it's filled with maple syrup but still they don't have to know that). During the medal presentation there were a few things that made me wonder, first of all is I think they found the original Mountie, because one of the guys they had there was like 2oo years old, I seriously think he was asleep the whole time. The second thing was that there were representives there of the Saskatoon naval reserve. Is it just me or does this have to be the most boring weekend known to man, I mean is there even water in Saskatoon? I imagine it's just a group of twenty-somethings sitting around playing Socom: Navy Seals on Ps2, not every soldier gets the exciting job, like shovelling out Toronto.
So as the saying goes, there is always next year, and if I heard correctly next year's tournament is in Buffalo. I wonder how many teams will leave with the equipment they came with, or even if it will be broadcast with the same passion that it will be broadcast on Canadian television. Its the old philosophical question, if a country hosts a hockey tournament and there's no one around to broadcast it, did they really have a hockey tournament?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Things from childhood that have been ruined with age: Board Games
When I was a kid many moons ago and was stranded indoors by a rainy day, I often enjoyed a good board game to pass the time. When I wasn't wrestling with my brothers or making fun of my sister for her somewhat stalkerish obsession with Duran Duran or New Kids on the Block(now that I think of it that may have been without her knowing, sorry Kelly but it was a little creepy) some of us would rustle up around the table and break out some of our favorite games and waste an hour or two. This was all well and good when I was a lad, but as with most things time and perspective has given me a new look on these games, lets take a look at a few shall we:
Operation- The game where you operate on some poor smhuck, removing such things as vital organs to materials that shouldn't be there. Just don't touch the sides, cause that buzzing means you lose your turn. Now that I'm older I see just how this game would really be played, because of poor health care systems this man has been probably waiting for this operation for several months, backlogged on a waitlist that is pages long. If this was the USA this man better have a HMO or you would have to include his shirt on the list of things you would have to remove from him, cause he'll be out on the street. Finally how many young kids had their dreams dashed by this game, how many young Timmies or Janies wanted to be doctors only to hear the repeated buzzing when they touched the sides. Their dreams of saving lives ruined by the knowledge that they are shakier then a Muhammed Ali right hook. Thank you operation, perhaps we'd have more doctors and shorter wait times if you didn't if you didn't put so many kids dreams on life support.
Clue- the game of whodunit, where, and with what. The game takes place in a mansion with more suspicious activity then Tiger Woods place when his wife is out of town. Clue was always a fun game, deciphering all the clues, playing a mini Sherlock Holmes, peaking inside the envelope when my family left the room for a drink(so I was a dirty cop, I GOT RESULTS). If my older years has taught me anything is that you had better hope you built a solid case against Col. Mustard, cause with today's legal system he could be out with the streets in days. Also, you can not wrap up the mystery in an hour(unless your David Caruso or Lawrence Fishburne) and with DNA testing it will take weeks maybe even months, pleny of time for the good Col. to skip the country and live like a king in Mexico.
Monopoly- the ultimate game in venture capitalism and greed. Monopoly has torn more families apart then Jerry Springer and Maury Povich combined just by the sure speed in which a simple game of property investment can go to a knock down dragout brawl. At it's heart Monopoly is supposed to teach you how to be good with money, I'm still waiting for that lesson to kick in. My dreams of owning a railroad have turned into waterworks, trying to buy the electric company was not such a bright idea. I couldn't even win at the Mcdonald's monopoly and do you know how many fries I had to eat to try and get Park Place, instead all I got was a tight feeling in my community chest.
Hungry Hungry Hippos- I never actually played this game, just saw the commercials on television. It appears the idea is to get your hippo to eat the most marbles that are on the board. The little animated hippos that they use in these commercials are so cute, litte do the kids know just how dangerous the hippopotomaus really is. The hippo is regarded as one of the worlds deadliest animals, for it's ferocity, it's sheer power, and deceptive speed. Think about it, one minute your on a safari thinking to yourself "I'd like to pit that hippo" and the next your tombstone reads Here Lies Fred, I told him not to pet that Hippo. So while ten year old me would feel proud if I had fed my hippo more then anyone else, twenty-nine year old me wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, or a twelve foot hungarian.
With the advance of today's society, board games have fallen by the wayside. They have been replaced by the Playstations and X-boxes of the world and left to collect dust on the shelf. However I still have the memories of when I was young, the rampid accusations of cheating between me and mom while playing Sorry, which ironically always ended up in us apologizing. The sinking of battleships that today would bring the angry Americans to your doorstep. My plans of making a new battleship based on 911 was rejected, turns out it couldn't be battleship if I used planes and screamed you blew up my tower when I lost, it's a new decade, is it safe to make that joke yet?
As I grow older it Boggles my mind how one's Life can be filled with such Snakes and Ladders. The Trivial Pursuit of happiness, for one's own Candyland, to connect with others but really what is there to Connect Four? At times it is not always a Barrell of Monkies, and I'm Sorry I don't really have a Clue as to any of the answers. Our quest for peace of mind may often find us in a Mouse Trap, but I guess that is the Risk we take, and you can never Guess Who you are going to meet. I for one prefer the quiet lifestyle, even if sometimes it's fun getting into Trouble.
Operation- The game where you operate on some poor smhuck, removing such things as vital organs to materials that shouldn't be there. Just don't touch the sides, cause that buzzing means you lose your turn. Now that I'm older I see just how this game would really be played, because of poor health care systems this man has been probably waiting for this operation for several months, backlogged on a waitlist that is pages long. If this was the USA this man better have a HMO or you would have to include his shirt on the list of things you would have to remove from him, cause he'll be out on the street. Finally how many young kids had their dreams dashed by this game, how many young Timmies or Janies wanted to be doctors only to hear the repeated buzzing when they touched the sides. Their dreams of saving lives ruined by the knowledge that they are shakier then a Muhammed Ali right hook. Thank you operation, perhaps we'd have more doctors and shorter wait times if you didn't if you didn't put so many kids dreams on life support.
Clue- the game of whodunit, where, and with what. The game takes place in a mansion with more suspicious activity then Tiger Woods place when his wife is out of town. Clue was always a fun game, deciphering all the clues, playing a mini Sherlock Holmes, peaking inside the envelope when my family left the room for a drink(so I was a dirty cop, I GOT RESULTS). If my older years has taught me anything is that you had better hope you built a solid case against Col. Mustard, cause with today's legal system he could be out with the streets in days. Also, you can not wrap up the mystery in an hour(unless your David Caruso or Lawrence Fishburne) and with DNA testing it will take weeks maybe even months, pleny of time for the good Col. to skip the country and live like a king in Mexico.
Monopoly- the ultimate game in venture capitalism and greed. Monopoly has torn more families apart then Jerry Springer and Maury Povich combined just by the sure speed in which a simple game of property investment can go to a knock down dragout brawl. At it's heart Monopoly is supposed to teach you how to be good with money, I'm still waiting for that lesson to kick in. My dreams of owning a railroad have turned into waterworks, trying to buy the electric company was not such a bright idea. I couldn't even win at the Mcdonald's monopoly and do you know how many fries I had to eat to try and get Park Place, instead all I got was a tight feeling in my community chest.
Hungry Hungry Hippos- I never actually played this game, just saw the commercials on television. It appears the idea is to get your hippo to eat the most marbles that are on the board. The little animated hippos that they use in these commercials are so cute, litte do the kids know just how dangerous the hippopotomaus really is. The hippo is regarded as one of the worlds deadliest animals, for it's ferocity, it's sheer power, and deceptive speed. Think about it, one minute your on a safari thinking to yourself "I'd like to pit that hippo" and the next your tombstone reads Here Lies Fred, I told him not to pet that Hippo. So while ten year old me would feel proud if I had fed my hippo more then anyone else, twenty-nine year old me wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, or a twelve foot hungarian.
With the advance of today's society, board games have fallen by the wayside. They have been replaced by the Playstations and X-boxes of the world and left to collect dust on the shelf. However I still have the memories of when I was young, the rampid accusations of cheating between me and mom while playing Sorry, which ironically always ended up in us apologizing. The sinking of battleships that today would bring the angry Americans to your doorstep. My plans of making a new battleship based on 911 was rejected, turns out it couldn't be battleship if I used planes and screamed you blew up my tower when I lost, it's a new decade, is it safe to make that joke yet?
As I grow older it Boggles my mind how one's Life can be filled with such Snakes and Ladders. The Trivial Pursuit of happiness, for one's own Candyland, to connect with others but really what is there to Connect Four? At times it is not always a Barrell of Monkies, and I'm Sorry I don't really have a Clue as to any of the answers. Our quest for peace of mind may often find us in a Mouse Trap, but I guess that is the Risk we take, and you can never Guess Who you are going to meet. I for one prefer the quiet lifestyle, even if sometimes it's fun getting into Trouble.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
What if I were to start my own Sports Network
I'm just sitting here watching the Canadian Juniors game against Switzerland, if you have to ask who is winning you do not watch hockey, or know anything about the Swiss hockey team. Although in fairness they did beat Russia, always an impressive feat. It is not hard to find sports on my satellite these days, besides the staples TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score I could also choose the Nfl networks which would access me to all NFL games, or the NHL network where I could partake in all hockey games. I wanted to get the MLB network, but it was too expensive as it turns out it is baseball fans who apparently have to pay the contract of Alex Rodriguez. As I look through these channels I notice that they have all the major sports covered, and tennis when there is nothing else to show. However by covering the major sports they they have left virtually hundreds of thousands of competitions by the wayside, so I have started thinking about starting my own Sports Network, dear readers I present to you the Martin Sports Network.
Now I'm not naive enough to think that I can get the contracts of the major sports out of the starting gate, so I wanna start small, allow the world to get to know the joe blows of sports. The sorry bunch of miscreants that play the game for a pack of smokes or a sandwich, any sports league is welcome to join my network, well except the WNBA, we are talking real sports here people. Creating an all day block of television programming can be hard and I am open for ideas on what sports I can cover, here are some ideas that I have in mind:
*World's Strongest(smelling) man competion- in this league we round up all the homeless and French people we can find, and each has to compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will decide the strongest smelling man and the winner will get a free bath and delousing.
*2 girls 1 ball in a cup- did you love ball in a cup when you were a kid, well here's your chance to watch all the excitement live on your television. This is a tournament format with two girls competing to see who can get the ball in a cup the most amount of times. The winning girl will recieve an oven so they can go home and bake their man chocolate chip cookies. I am just kidding ladies............it doesn't have to be chocolate chip (the preceding is reason #87 why I'm still single)
Here at the Martin Sports network we also offer some extreme sports for the more hardcore sports enthusiasts, you will be able to enjoy such programs as:
*Paintball Floor Hockey- do you like Paintball? do you like Floor Hockey? how would you like to get shot with paintballs while playing floor hockey. Think your gonna score on that breakaway do ya? not so fast, shot to the leg, gonna go five hole, how about a shot in the five hole. Winning team will win a years supply of paintballs.
*Bobbing for Lobsters- who didn't bob for apples when they were little, ok I didn't, but I have an aversion to dipping my head under water, if I want an apple I'll open the fridge thank you. Anywho, this idea came to me in the supermarket one day when I past the lobster tank, and I thought wouldn't it be hardcore to stick my head in and fetch a lobster. When I got out of the hospital I knew this wasn't idea I should sit on and I had to develop it right away. The winning prize for the person who catches the most lobsters, a lobster stuffed with tacos.
Also at the Martins Sports Network, we offer some new twists to some old and boring favorites:
*The Spelling Bee- think these kids don't have enough pressure, you haven't seen pressure till you've seen it the Martin Sports Network way. Our soundstage for the kids would involve trap doors, making the kids regret spelling the word wrong. Will the kids crack under the constant insults hurled at them, could you spell pteradactyl while somebody alleged that you were adopted, find out for yourself on the Martin Sports Network.
*Curling- I had a curling league set up with little mini explosives in the rocks for when they hit each other but the league fell through when all the curlers switched to Swiffer sweepers. Sure the ice is cleaner but turns out they couldn't sweep the rocks very far, baby come back indeed.
*Squash- not the sport, it's just a half hour showing of a squash, because I think it's a funny looking vegetable and it's my network and I can do what I want.
So with this list of programming(and some illegal piracy techniques) I hope to be on top of the sports media within the first couple of years. By the way the host of every program will be Don Cherry, the man is 95% testicle and you will be too scared to turn the channel. So feel free to write me with any program ideas, or just write me, it's cold and I'm so very lonely.
Now I'm not naive enough to think that I can get the contracts of the major sports out of the starting gate, so I wanna start small, allow the world to get to know the joe blows of sports. The sorry bunch of miscreants that play the game for a pack of smokes or a sandwich, any sports league is welcome to join my network, well except the WNBA, we are talking real sports here people. Creating an all day block of television programming can be hard and I am open for ideas on what sports I can cover, here are some ideas that I have in mind:
*World's Strongest(smelling) man competion- in this league we round up all the homeless and French people we can find, and each has to compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will decide the strongest smelling man and the winner will get a free bath and delousing.
*2 girls 1 ball in a cup- did you love ball in a cup when you were a kid, well here's your chance to watch all the excitement live on your television. This is a tournament format with two girls competing to see who can get the ball in a cup the most amount of times. The winning girl will recieve an oven so they can go home and bake their man chocolate chip cookies. I am just kidding ladies............it doesn't have to be chocolate chip (the preceding is reason #87 why I'm still single)
Here at the Martin Sports network we also offer some extreme sports for the more hardcore sports enthusiasts, you will be able to enjoy such programs as:
*Paintball Floor Hockey- do you like Paintball? do you like Floor Hockey? how would you like to get shot with paintballs while playing floor hockey. Think your gonna score on that breakaway do ya? not so fast, shot to the leg, gonna go five hole, how about a shot in the five hole. Winning team will win a years supply of paintballs.
*Bobbing for Lobsters- who didn't bob for apples when they were little, ok I didn't, but I have an aversion to dipping my head under water, if I want an apple I'll open the fridge thank you. Anywho, this idea came to me in the supermarket one day when I past the lobster tank, and I thought wouldn't it be hardcore to stick my head in and fetch a lobster. When I got out of the hospital I knew this wasn't idea I should sit on and I had to develop it right away. The winning prize for the person who catches the most lobsters, a lobster stuffed with tacos.
Also at the Martins Sports Network, we offer some new twists to some old and boring favorites:
*The Spelling Bee- think these kids don't have enough pressure, you haven't seen pressure till you've seen it the Martin Sports Network way. Our soundstage for the kids would involve trap doors, making the kids regret spelling the word wrong. Will the kids crack under the constant insults hurled at them, could you spell pteradactyl while somebody alleged that you were adopted, find out for yourself on the Martin Sports Network.
*Curling- I had a curling league set up with little mini explosives in the rocks for when they hit each other but the league fell through when all the curlers switched to Swiffer sweepers. Sure the ice is cleaner but turns out they couldn't sweep the rocks very far, baby come back indeed.
*Squash- not the sport, it's just a half hour showing of a squash, because I think it's a funny looking vegetable and it's my network and I can do what I want.
So with this list of programming(and some illegal piracy techniques) I hope to be on top of the sports media within the first couple of years. By the way the host of every program will be Don Cherry, the man is 95% testicle and you will be too scared to turn the channel. So feel free to write me with any program ideas, or just write me, it's cold and I'm so very lonely.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)