That's news to me

Hello everyone, I haven't been on here in a while, I took a trip to lovely British Columbia to stay in the Fortress of Verisimilitude, I saw wondrous things there such as a patent for the question mark, and did you know there is such a thing as a semi-colon?(tm HTWAVCBH). British Columbia is a beautiful province, even if you get the feeling that a Bruce Lee movie is gonna break out any second, but far be it from me to speak ill of a province where the Tim Horton's all have English Toffee, and I also discovered the wonder that is a pumpkin scone, but more on that in the future. While I was away I managed to keep up on some of the news that is going on at home, and around the globe, here are some things that caught my eye, and since I have a wonky right eye, you know they are important. Oh, and before I forget, to the WestJet worker who stole my brother's video camera on his trip home, I hope you get herpes, actually I hope you get the next worse thing from herpes, super herpes.

It seems the popular thing to do is occupy places, it started off with Wall Street, and now it seems everybody is taking up space. Here in Newfoundland it is no different, as a group of protesters who strangely enough already live in St. John's held an occupy St. John's protest. Organizers were thrilled at the turnout until they discovered that the majority of people were just there to try and find the last treasure map for the Hits 99 ten thousand dollar radio contest.

While I was away our province went to the polls and voted in majority favor for the status quo. There are not many places in the world that have a woman in charge, and with Kathy Dunderdale Newfoundland is pretty darn close to being on that list. I was surprised the New Democratic Party only got five seats, I guess their wave of momentum has ended, they should have done what I suggested and changed their party slogan to "NDP: Jack Layton." The Liberal party finished second with six seats, which really shows you how the mighty have fallen, I mean even most vans can fit six people these days, so it should be good when they have to carpool. The plus being that it's good for the environment, the negative being if the van broke down the house would have to be closed because there would be no opposition. Whatever happened to the powerhouse Liberals of back in the day? Brian Tobin ruled with an iron fist, and never let anything get in his way, a principle his son carried on to more disastrous results.

A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in the capitol city after a dispute with her boyfriend, now murder is still pretty rare in our neck of the woods, but this makes three I think in the past year. Police officials are asking people not to panic, they are working hard to maintain peace and order and get the crime rate down. They say it will be easier when their best detective Jake is done filming his television show.

Looking now across Canada, or at least across the street which is as far as I can see out the window, when I was in British Columbia there was a story of a young man killed while trying to break up a fight. The suspect was described as a tall black male................95 percent of the NBA is being held for questioning.

In local sports news, our new AHL team the Ice Caps are off to a strong start in their rookie season. Rumor has it if they keep winning they will change their name to the IceCaps Supreme, okay that's a Canadian joke, my readers in Poland ( I checked the stats, there is one, and I figure there is only one computer in Poland so that makes me huge over there) probably wouldn't get it but I will risk it.

That's all the news for this week, to end this report, I offer to you the "readers" of this diary a viewer feedback question: Is it weird when people who have dealt with stalkers want people to follow them on twitter?(TM HTWAVCBH) Just something to think about, email me your thoughts at fgm1002@gmail.com

Fishing for Trouble

If there is one topic I don't know a lot about it's politics......and math...........and women...........and nuclear fission, but I know a shady situation when I see one, and a lot of times politicians are shadier then an elm tree on a hot sunny day. I know the life of a politician isn't always easy, you have this person complaining, that person complaining, having to rob Peter to give to Paul and constantly being under a microscope. The fact that they live under that giant microscope should be enough to make them stop doing dumb things, or at least hide them better. I know the urges are there, after months of campaigning and begging for money like a homeless person outside a Tim Horton's, you finally won, you get control, and the first days in office your giddier then a female when an Adele song comes on the radio, and nothing can stop you only yourself.

Introducing Peter MacKay, Canada's national minister of defence. Did you know that he was once voted Canada's sexiest Member of Parliament from 1999-2007 and again in 2009? Which would be impressive, only have you seen some of the Canadian members of parliament, most of the Parliament members have more rolls then a bakery. Mr. MacKay enjoys two things, fishing and getting out of places fast, so it would make only perfect sense that on a fishing trip last year in Gander he called a search and rescue mission helicopter to come pick him up. Now it's understandable that when somebody is in Gander they want to get out of there as fast as possible, but this seems to be a bit extravagant to me. Newfoundland and Labrador only has 3 search and rescue helicopters, and one of them is remote controlled, so it could have been bad if there had been a real emergency.

Now if you know anything about Peter MacKay's political history, you know he has no trouble riding things he shouldn't *cough*Belinda Stronach* just because he can so it's no surprise that he should use taxpayers money to get from point A to point B. The department of defense in all their wisdom retorted that Peter McKay was just volunteering to be in a training run of the search and rescue mission, which is all well and good only for the exercise was scheduled by his own department and I don't think training exercises work IF THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. Their story had more holes in then this blog has sentence fragments. Maybe other ministers could follow his lead, the minister of Finance could have banks give him money just to see how they sort out transactions. Perhaps the minister of Fisheries could give fishermen less days to fish as an exercise to see how they can eke out a living.....oh wait that happened already.

As I mentioned before, if there had been a real emergency it could have been a sticky situation. Imagine if a boat was stranded at sea, they put in an SOS call but they are told to hang tight cause the minister of defense caught a beaut of a salmon and it has to keep. Apparently it costs around $32, 232 to operate on a Cormorant helicopter for one hour, which is roughly what takes these days to fill up an SUV on gas or buy one concert ticket at Mile One stadium. So the next time your out fishing, and you need to get home whether you left the stove on and your wife is not the kitchen where she should be to turn it off, or your being attacked by a rampant coyote, call the search and rescue team, just hope they don't send the remote control one.

Scarlett Fever

Scarlett Johansson......


The mere mention of that name sends tremors through the loins of the majority of the world's male population. It doesn't matter if your straight, homosexual, bi-sexual or even Republican, there is not a man on this earth who wouldn't tell you she is incredibly attractive. That is why the internet nearly exploded a couple of days ago when someone finally hacked into her personal life revealing photos that she obviously didn't want to be revealed......and the internet rejoiced. It is reported that for the first time in years the World of Warcraft games were virtually deserted, leaving only tumbleweeds roaming through the vast universe. On an unrelated note, congratulations to tumbleweeds for finishing and winning the whole World of Warcraft game.

Johansson was obviously upset, but what did she expect, after all one person's boob picture is another man's treasure; and if a hacker who has the resources even gets a whiff that there is a hint of a possibility of seeing a boob online they are gonna go after it. After all picture boobs make up 98 percent of all their boob contact so they are gonna be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, or Tiger Woods to any woman but his wife(admittedly the Tiger jokes are old now that the only thing higher then is mistress count is his golf score). She should have known that eventually these pictures would come out, that's why God created a delete button(would Helen Keller be the mute button?) so things like this wouldn't get out. If anyone should know the perils of technology it should be an actress in the talking picture business where someone can see you on the big screen, punch a couple of buttons and immediately know almost everything there is to know about you.

In this TMZ age of TMI I don't understand how these celebrities are not more careful. It seems every other week there is another cellphone hacking or some tape that just happened to be discovered. There were apparently pictures of Rihanna leaked, which at least made up for her terrible music, then the other day I thought stumbled across the Paris Hilton tape, One night in Paris, turns out it was the old Fox network alien autopsy show. You never hear of anything like this happening to Megan Fox, you never see any tawdry pictures of her hit the internet, no she prefers to save all her embarrassment into marrying the nerdy guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Sure Megan Fox may have the emotional range and charisma of Astro Boy, but that doesn't mean that the demand is any less to see revealing photos. In fact, I would bet that the team of people trying to hack into that phone outnumbers the number of doctors trying to find a cure for cancer.

In closing, I did see the pictures, but only to maintain journalistic integrity, and I was only on the website to get directions on how to get away from the website. At first I was shocked and angry that someone would invade her privacy like that, and rest assured when I found out the person's name I wrote him a very angry card, just because it was attached to a fruit basket doesn't mean the words will sting any less. I also thought of how far technology has come, and how it's not necessarily good for the world, but in the end it comes down to this, it is because of technology that Justin Bieber is popular, so eventually something good had to happen to balance out that horror.

**Note** all facts are checked by my bearded sidekick, even though his catchphrase "That's a fact Jack" is getting annoying, moreso because he knows my name is not Jack.

Moose on the Juice

There's an old saying that goes animals are people too, well it's either an old saying or I made it up, either one is very possible. Anywho this statement makes a lot of sense to me, most days Bear has more of a personality then I do, and you should see him drive.........if any law enforcement are reading this I meant driving as in playing golf. I mean if you hit an animal does it not cry, if you cut it does it not bleed, if you cook it does it not taste delicious. It seems to me the more time animals spend around humans the easier it is to pick up their habits, whether good or bad. No where is this more true then in Sweden, home of, hands down, the most entertaining moose on the planet. News outlets everywhere reported the other day the story of an errand moose who had eaten one too many fermented apples, possibly after a hard day at the office, and stumbled it's way into a tree, getting stuck in the process. Hey at least it hit a tree and survive, Ryan Dunn couldn't do that.

I think what led to the drunken downfall of the moose was that he forgot the key differences in apple products, clearly forgetting that if it's clear and yella you got juice their fella, and if it's dark and brown your in cider town, now of course here in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped. The moose was discovered by a man just returning home from work after he heard a loud bellowing coming from next door, and at first dismissed it as "someone having a laugh." Now I know not many people care for their neighbors and all but if I was reading a story and saw that my neighbor had said that I sounded like a moose, he'd be drinking too, a pint of my right first followed by a chaser of good ole lefty here.

Police were called to the scene, as the fire dept was only equipped to get cats out of trees apparently, upon their arrival and along with several people, they worked on freeing the massive beast, all the while getting yelled at by the moose to not judge him, and that the people didn't know him, and that he could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Upon freedom from the tree, the police were preparing to issue a breathalyzer test, but they assumed he was pretty drunk after he collapsed like some drunken frat boy after a toga party............do they even still have toga parties any more.............hehehe moose in a toga, oh come on you were thinking it. The moose was ordered to spend a night in the drunk tank, which I'm guessing either didn't really help the other drunks to sober up or REALLY helped them to sober up and fast.

The moose was also charged with a DUI( deer under the influence) and was ordered to start attending AA(appleholics anonymous). The trial is expected to be quite the spectacle in Sweden, as have you ever seen a moose trapped inside, it's not pretty, especially if there are representatives from MADD (mooses against drunk deer). I know the moose is sorrowful, and you can see the embarrassment on his face, but to the moose I say keep your chin up, no matter how bad it looked or how bad the hangover, you never looked as bad as this:

Toeing the line

Feet, we all have them(or unfortunately used to have them) unless your one of those rare no feet babies that were born, in which case I make no apologies for rubbing in the fact that I was born with two working feet, what are you gonna do about it? It's not like you can stand up for yourself. It seems like everywhere I turned this week there were stories about feet, so if your one of those people that really enjoy the foot, I hope you will be satisfied, cause this one is for all you pediphiles out there.

*Note-these are not the actual headline titles, but they would be if I controlled the media............soon...........very soon*

Who needs toes when you have Massive Balls

We all take our toes for granted, it's not like we wake up everyday, look down and say "Ahhhhh, there they are, all the little piggies still in a row." In fact if you do do this you've probably never seen the toes or any other body part of the opposite gender, OR you've had something slipped in your drink, like time I left my tea unattended at work, in case your wondering how many times you can count your toes before you come down off something, the answer is 546.......and a half. You know who doesn't take his toes for granted, Jon Hutt, a 61 year old man from Colorado, who while gathering firewood had a 7 ton trailer fall on his foot. Now this is pain I can't imagine........and I once imagined a moose sticking his head through my window and saying hello to me in French(was actually a dream, but it's all imagination). Hutt did what most people would do, and scream uncontrollably for help, but after a half hour he realized that no one could hear him and Lassie probably wasn't coming so he said screw this and took out his trusty pocket knife. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone of the little piggies until his foot was free, he went on to say that getting through the smaller toes was easy, but it was difficult to get through the tendons of the big toes.............and the knife had started to get dull. I hate cutting chicken at work with a dull knife, let alone setting it lose on my feet, plus I have massive big toes, I mean they would require a crosscut saw to get those things off. Not only did he cut his toes off, he PROCEEDED TO DRIVE THE SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER UNTIL HE COULD GET HELP. McDonald's restaurants have now closed their playpens because they do not have as much balls as this man. So the next time you think to yourself "Old people are useless.......look at them sitting there all wrinkly" look down at your feet and your working toes, you couldn't do what he did.....pansies.

You know what they say about a province with Big Feet

So apparently there's a Bigfoot in Alberta, not just one, but like 40 or 50 of them, so if your scoring at home that means the population of Alberta is 90 percent Newfoundlanders, 7 percent Bigfoot, and 3 percent Albertans. This comes from a man named Todd Standing, who may be a liar as I believe he was sitting down during the interview, who says he has photographic proof that there are Big Feet in Alberta. Now having never seen a Samsquanch(trademark Bubbles) outside of the brutally sad side mission of Undead Nightmare, I am highly skeptical as I am with most things. I mean it could be any number of things, maybe he meant the old Big Foot candies, maybe it was a Polish woman he saw, or maybe he's just trying for attention. I do know one thing, we might not see a Bigfoot, but with all the claims of crackpot that are going to be coming in we are gonna see a lot of Todd Standing up for himself.

8 feet by.......WTF

Police in Vancouver were called to a Marina on Tuesday after a severed foot and parts of a legbone, still in running shoe, were discovered floating in the water. This is the eighth foot that has washed up on the BC shore since 2007. I guess a cop being on foot patrol in BC has a totally different meaning from everywhere else. Eight feet is a lot of feet, to put it in perspective, if it were an octopus it would just be a pus now. In total 11 feet have been recovered from the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure where 2 of them were but I think another was recovered from Roberto Luongo's mouth after the Stanley cup playoffs. Police are baffled by the continued appearance of random feet, and are disappointed they can't even get a good matching pair of shoes, with one officer saying "I have 5 kids, why buy sneakers when a perfectly good pair might wash up someday.....sure it would be weird coming from a severed foot but Febreeze will take that right out" I have every confidence the police will but their best food forward, I just hope it's not a shark doing it, good luck putting the cuffs on that.

*Update-the Police have set up a hotline for any knowledge people my have, if your calling about the missing feet, talk to Jody (I know of two people who will get that reference)

The war on bugs

I have never been one to forecast doom or overreact to things, but I fear the apocalypse is upon us. First sign is the string of tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes that have hit North America and the world in recent years, I mean take this weekend, the only thing that blows harder then the wind in the United States right now is their economy. Secondly, we lost Trustache, yet nothing has happened to Stephen Harper, here's hoping he at least gets a hangnail or something. Thirdly, God has decided to move to the next stage of the apocalypse by sending a horde of locusts upon our province, only I guess he had no locusts left so he unleashed the only thing he could find.........daddy long legs. For those of you who haven't seen a daddy longs legs, they are like mosquitoes on steroids, and if the hundreds that reside in my backyard are any indication, they have no problem with getting in your face.

Well I say enough is enough and it's time for some change, as my roommate Jeff, our two dogs, and I have decided it's time to fight back. We are declaring beehad on every pest that we see in our back yard, that goes for every daddy long legs, spider, moth, mosquito, or neighbor that crosses our path. When I say beehad I mean it, I will post videos on the internet of me holding a magnifying glass over a daddy long legs if it will show the insolent bugs that I mean business. Now despite my appearance I am no fool, I know the bugs are smart, and I know they will adapt. I needed to study up on my enemy, I watched everything I could, the discovery channel, National Geographic, the National Spelling Bee, Seinfeld..........okay that had nothing to do with bugs but it was the Soup Nazi episode. I now feel I am prepared to take on all intruders, I have seen A Bug's Life, and now I will see a bug's life taken.

I don't know when or how this war started, for years the bugs, Jeff and I have co-existed well enough, we avoided each other mostly, sure there were some bites and some kills but other then that things went swimmingly. Then when I got Bear and Jeff got Mika and we started delving deeper into the back yard all of a sudden the daddy longs swarmed on mass. Also, I'm not sure what made the moths so vicious this year, but on a nightly basis we were getting attacked by moths not unlike Mothra in their size and ferocity. We have since gone dark(meaning we turned the porch light off) and ever since they have not been able to find us, but I know they are up there somewhere, watching.......waiting.

I don't know when this war will end(actually I do, stupid weak bugs and their inability to handle cold) all I know is I'm tired to scratching like a heroin addict, and Bear is getting really sick of the camouflage paint I put on him . Blood has been spilled on both sides, the bugs bite harder then that Vampires Suck movie, and I smack harder then Ike Turner, and I shall not rests until I eliminate all the pests.

Dream Cleaver

Last night I had that dream again, it always starts the same, I wake up not in my bed but on a cold plastic surface, bound by string. I struggle but it does me no good for if anybody that has used this string knows it is impenetrable, if somebody has you tied up in it, they don't want you to get free. I'm disoriented at first, can't get my bearings, everything looks familiar yet different, all around me I see cold metallic gray objects, then I hear the same complaint that an oven is not working and it hits me, I'm at work. I think to myself okay it's work, I spend more time here then I do home I can escape this easily, I'll just roll off the line and dodge those giant chickens and slide out the back..........wait what.............giant chickens.

I look up to see a giant chicken approaching me, older then the young chickens we usually serve but still pink enough that the customer will complain, what does he have in his claw I wonder, uh oh, that's a chicken knife, I knew this day would come, my day of reckoning, when these chickens would fly the coup, rise up and avenge the loss of their brethren, there's nothing I can do now. The knife comes closer, I think I hear the chicken laughing, or is it Bogey, maybe he can help, or do they have him too? I'M COMING BOGEY I try to scream but nothing comes out. The knife is even closer now, but he stops, why did he stop? He appears to be angrily clucking at one of the female chickens outside the line. The female chicken keeps tapping a roll on the line, rap tap tapping on the line to show how hard it is, I don't get it as they are chickens I didn't think they would be fussy as to what they ate but I have bigger problems.

My confusion turns again to fear as the large chicken once again yields the blade and lowers it again ever slowly, obviously savoring this moment. I start to sweat, wait that's not sweat, then why is my face getting wet? I awake to find bear over top of me, it's time to go out apparently, phew I was just dreaming, I have dodged another bullet.

It's always the same dream, over and over, physically the chicken cannot do much, but psychologically it can drive a person insane. My thoughts are as disjointed as a person with rickets, sleep is now like a sane Mel Gibson interview, few and far between, but I keep pushing on, fighting the good fight as it were, eliminating every foul creature I can till I reach the big chicken drawer in the sky, if I go in that direction, knowing my luck God is a member of PETA, and is against this raging Foulocaust that occurs every year in our many many convenient locations. Friends and family, and even rapper Nelly have tried to tell me that it's only just a dream, but seriously you try and sleep when you close your eyes and all you see is this: