The Chicken Hero Saga: Season 2 Chapter1: Irish there was a better way

   As the sun poured in through his window the Chicken Hero started to stir from his deep sleep, he had had quite the nap, seriously it felt like he had been asleep for months.  He had earned that sleep for it had been a tumultuous few months, he had gotten a thesaurus and learned words like tumultuous, he had saved the townsfolk numerous times all the while keeping them fed with the chickens from the chicken harvest.  It had seemed like an eternity since he De-rected the Deboner, he had heard the rumors of an escape, and he really should have checked on it but he was never one to follow up on things.  Besides, he had become a little bit of a celebrity, whenever he walked through the village he stood out like the one Mexican worker in a group who was actually working, why he was even given a plastic card which allowed him to make purchases and never have to pay them back, yes just like that little card everywhere he went the interest was high.

   He arrived at the harvest to begin his tasks for the day. Things had changed in the harvest, times were busier then they had ever been due to an apparent building error in the village that left all new homes built with out fire pits.  A lot of the same faces were still there, along with some new ones, such as Andrunus, son of Bogeyus, whose fondness for a popular songstress and hobby of mailing letters made with letters from town announcement clippings were an odd combination, yet he said it was merely a coincidence. Still present were Andrewus, who was still trying to figure out the Chicken Hero's insults from months prior, Joshias, who suffered a personal setback when a surgery to reduce his ears from the affects of gigantism was botched and somehow his ears grew even larger. There was Marias, who tremendously celebrated her 1000th birthday the month prior.  It took fire crews from four surrounding villages to put out the fire from the candles on the cake, but it was one hell of a party.

  Today was the day of delivery at the harvest, three times a week the chicken wagon would arrive from the killing fields to be prepared at the harvest, but something was wrong today, the wagon had not shown up at it's scheduled time. If no chickens were delivered, then no chickens could be prepared, if no chickens could be prepared then no townsfolk could eat, and that would be chaos.  As Petrus the ever resourceful manager of the harvest scrambled(which is what he did best) to find chicken, the Chicken Hero volunteered to travel to the killing fields to find out what happened.  He made a quick stop to check in on his gallant steed.........his dog Bear(which had proven to have better results then when he had a bear named dog) and set out to find the delay in the chicken wagon, little did he know that he would find more then he bargained for.

  Upon his arrival at the killing fields he noticed there was a lot less killing going on, the chickens were upright and walking, not laying down and stacked in a pile like usual, but what if they were dead? What if something had brought them back? Could it be? some breed of zombie chicken, it appeared they were walking funny and kind of spaced out, like some of members of the harvest kitchen staff when they came back from there long breaks. "What the hell is going on here?" he asked himself, "I'll tell you" came a voice from behind, and just the Hero turned and saw..........someone he'd never seen before. His thick Irish accent gave away that he wasn't from around here, "my name is Sam, Sam O'Nella and I'm your worst nightmare." "Actually my worst nightmare is dolphins" replied the Chicken Hero. "Ay for far too long I've searched for a way.........wait..........dolphins you say." "Yeah............dolphins..........I have my reasons", but that was  a story for another time, right now he needed to know why this guy was here, and what he was all about.

  "Listen Sam or whatever your name is, you can try and come in here and be all mysterious but the old Chicken Hero is pretty fast on the uptake, I can tell by your accent your Irish, so that means your probably drunk right now and looking to fight, and if that's what your here for let's dance..............well not literally dance, that would be weird............NOT that dancing with another man is weird I mean it's fine if that's who you are I just find dancing in general weird with the sweaty hands and the.........." "ENOUGH" shouted the Irishman which surprised the Chicken Hero, usually his mild stereotypical and inane ramblings served as a distraction for him to take out his foe, but this man was not phased in the least.  "Do you know anything about Irish history Mr. Hero?" "I know there were a lot of potatoes, and then there wasn't." "That's right, then there wasn't, hard times hit my people Mr. Hero, sure I wasn't around then, but tales are forever told about the hardships my people endured." "So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China?" The Hero had taken to saying that in case somebody somewhere asked his opinion on the price of tea in China, for the record he thought it was scandalous.

  Sam O'Nella didn't look at you so much as look through you, at 6 ft 11 he was a giant of a man, and his fiery red had was indicative of his Irishness and  no souledness. " I came to this land Mr. Hero, and when I arrived and got a hot meal was at your harvest, and you know what I saw there, hmmm do ya now? I saw bags upon bags of potatoes, stacked as high as heaven itself, and all the stories of hardship came rushing back, all the rough times my family went through cause they couldn't have potatoes and here you are, HERE YOU ARE, with more potatoes then can be counted, how is that fair?" "Well for starters, the potato famine was a long time ago and I'm pretty sure you have potatoes now." "You want to crack jokes do ya fella, you won't be laughing when I wipe out your chicken stock, then your people will know how it feels." "And just how to you plan on wiping out all these chickens?" The Hero was often surprised just how easy it was to get the villain to answer by asking their plans directly. "It's simple Mr. Hero, I inject them with this" just then he produced a syringe filled with some mysterious fluid "This is a formula that will make it impossible to cook chickens to the proper tempature, they will forever be too pink for the people to eat, it also works as a hypnotic, even if the chicken did cook, the people will think it is too pink and convince themselves they are sick."

  The Hero looked and the Evil Irishman, "you forgot to factor in one thing.........me" and with that he charged but something was holding him back, or rather someone was holding him back. He found himself locked in the arms of a building of a human being, he had a head the size of a bowling ball, and arms the size of two bowling balls, being clasped by this monster of a man made it hard to think of comparisons. "I see you met my Russian henchman Necoli, while you are busy with him I have some chickens to poison, good luck fella." "Oh great, a Russian" he thought " another angry drunk." He fought and struggled but it was getting him no where, his strength was no match for the walking testosterone, but he knew he could outsmart him, with that he screamed as loud as he could "HEY LOOK AT THAT BOTTLE OF VODKA OVER THERE" The Kremlin with hair immediately dropped him and looked hurriedly around, the Chicken Hero pulled out his trusty, new and improved extra strength chicken string and wrapped him up from head to toe.  The hero knew time was of the essence, his speed and grace matched that of the deer he that was in his backyard a week ago(and that was in his stomach the next day). He reached the killing fields but he was still too far away, in the distance he could see Sam O'Nella getting ready to inject the poison, he was left with no choice, scooping down I picked up a chicken and with a mighty heave that would have made his brother Robbieus proud he nailed O'Nella right in the head. "Who said chickens couldn't fly"

  After the Hero led the two bound chicken assassins to the prison and made sure they were secured, he returned to the killing fields to make sure the chicken wagon would make it to the harvest now.  He was proud of himself on the journey home, another heroic deed done and another day over, just then he was approached by too similar looking girls, twins he deduced, he was taken aback at their request for an autograph, and that they had heard a lot about him, he thought he knew all the townsfolk, but what the hell surely give a simple autograph would be no harm, until the pen mysteriously opened and that mist came out, as he fell to the ground he thought too things, "Well this ain't good" and

  "To be continued"

The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 10: Caged Heat

  In the week that followed the imprisonment of the Deboner things had gotten boring.  There was a momentary glimpse of excitement when he fell out of the bed one morning, but attempts to prove if the bed had turned evil proved fruitless for the Hero.  Sure the harvest was as busy as ever, but there was no sense of imminent danger, only the constant worry that the aged serving wench Marius would expire at any minute.  He wasn't sure if he was the only one who saw that black faceless guy in the robe following her, but hey, she had asked for someone to follow her with a meal so he thought nothing of it. He would do anything to cure his boredom, he even began to partake in the games of Bogeyus the procurer of goods, seeing how many items in the harvest he could count at one time, and then trying to beat that record the next day, the life of a procurer of goods was no life at all, all they did was read, and read, and read.

  Taking a walk to clear his head the Hero found himself at the mall of Avalon, but it must have been early as it seemed none of the shops were open, and there were very few townsfolk there.  He looked down to check his portable wrist sundial but as it was raining it was of little help.  He made a mental note to invent a type of sundial that ran on batteries, he then made a mental note to invent batteries.  At this hour the mall of Avalon seemed like a ghost town, he thought how funny the idea of a ghost town would be, ghost store owners, ghost blacksmiths, ghost kids flying their ghost kites, he chuckled to himself at the absurdity of this scenario, but as he began to look around the chuckle vanished, for as he looked around he noticed something wasn't right, something wasn't right at all.

  It had been too early for the shops in the mall of Avalon to open, but yet there townsfolk enclosed in all the stores, sorting out things, arranging things here, and putting things there. This would seem mostly normal if there weren't barriers set up stopping these people from leaving the store.  It wasn't just one shop that had the wall put up but all of them, in each store there was one, maybe even two people trapped, looking out him in fear like a serving wench at the harvest when the mother of all serving wenches went on a rampage. He ran to the nearest shop and banged on the glass partition as hard as he could, it was a strong glass, one that could even stop bullets, if bullets had been invented yet.  He screamed at the no doubt frightened peasant shop girl "DON'T WORRY LITTLE ONE, I WILL GET YOU OUT OF HERE!" to which the girl responded "I'm sorry sir we don't open till ten." Such a brave girl, but she was obviously terrified, he knew the girl most have been worried about who would cook her husband's meals if she were barricaded in there forever, but that she was trying to put on a brave front.  He ran to all the barricaded shops screaming that he would save every last one of them, and they all responded with the same quizzical look and the same response "I'm sorry sir we don't open till 10." What was going on here? Were they all being programmed to say that? What else were they being programmed to do? Running as fast as he could, he arrived where the people usually congregated and took a break at the mall of Avalon, the intermission.


................................................INTERMISSION...........................................................................


  Now that he had made it through the intermission with nothing happening he began to search for what could cause the people to be contained like this.  To the Hero the mall of Avalon had always been strange, parts of the year townsfolk dropped off gifts to the massive tree god known as the Tree of Happiness, other parts of year townsfolk  took their children to get the picture taken with a over sized bunny rabbit, and there was also a place where you could buy bread twisted into irregular shapes. As he searched for some way, any way to free these people something registered in his mind, it was something all those trapped workers had said, a time, ten o'clock, whatever was happening must be happening then, he looked down at his portable wrist sundial, but since he was inside that didn't help much, in frustration he cast the watch aside, it had always bothered him anyway. Not knowing what else to do the threw things at the barricade hoping the walls would fall, he wished his brother Robbieus was here, as could probably take the barricades and throw them two towns over.

  As he tossed every item he could find he was enveloped by a massive shadow, and an overwhelming scent of pine freshness.  He turned to see the biggest tree he had ever seen and knew without a doubt it was the tree god the Tree of Happiness.  His voice boomed as he spoke "WHO GOES THERE?"..........."It is I the Hero, and I have come to free these people." "THESE PEOPLE BELONG TO ME NOW, THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THEM." "Listen here you overstuffed pine cone, I am not leaving here without these people, free them at once or you will be hanging from every wagon from here to continents across the world." "Puny man, you do not scare me, and if you think you can beat me, well I may be a giant tree but clearly you are the biggest sap here." "Oh, a little tree humor eh, but just a lesson pal, I'm the Hero, I make the wisecracks, people tell me I should be a comedian but I'm thinking of..............branching out." Curses, he always forgot his sunglasses. "Besides, I thought you were the Tree of Happiness, this doesn't seem to be making people happy."

 "Do you know what it's like to be me human, no, how could you, you are but a mere mortal.  Every year for centuries people have come to me bearing gifts, giving what they could.  However, each year the tributes have been less and less, no one worships me like they used to. I SHOULD BE FEARED, but instead when the season of tributes is over, do you know what they do? they stuff me in a closet, and restrain me, THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE ME WATER, and I begin to wither and die, sitting literally on pins and needles. WELL NO MORE, if these people don't want to give me tributes I will take them, along with their souls, and the souls of anyone who tries to stop me......" interrupting the Hero spoke up "Um hold on a sec, how come you didn't scream the part about the souls? I mean surely that had to be an important part of the speech right? I mean it just seems like something you would want to emphasize." "Really, can I start over?" "Well we kind of have to get a move on here, time is wasting." With that the Tree of Happiness began his assault, launching an airstrike of pine cones at the Hero, who managed to bob and weave successfully, lunging at the tree he was repelled by the sharpness of his needles, needles so sharp they could even cut through his trusty and effective chicken string.

  He had to get the giant tree away from the people, maybe that would lessen it's hold on them, he ran toward the moving stairs but the Tree of Happiness followed suit. "SILLY MORTAL, I AM A GOD, YOU CAN NOT ESCAP...........HEY HEY WHAT'S HAPPENING...........I'M STUCK......I CAN'T MOVE...HELP ME SILLY MORTAL."  Looking back he couldn't help but laugh, here stood the mighty god, stuck in the moving stairs, seeing his opportunity he ran and lunged at the colossal twig, unleashing a mighty tackle the tree began to snap in half, as he watched the tree fall to the floor, he noticed something else, all the doors began to open, running from store to store people were quick to return the favor for all his help, welcoming them to their stores and asking how they could now help him.

  As a crowd of onlookers gathered to see the fallen tree god, two women stood up above, their vengeful eyes not on the tree god, or the people, but on the Hero, they had found him now, and he would pay. 

The Chicken Hero saga Chapter 9: I think we're deboned now

 There didn't seem to be anyone around, the beating of his heart was the only sound as he saw that giant device approaching.  This is what it had all come down, all the stalling, all non linear plot stories used to flesh out the character, this is what it had all come down to.  This was for all the marbles, it was time to pay the piper, bring the chickens home to roost, pay the brass tax, draw a line in the sand, fight without prejudice, he hoped Deboner would get soon as he was running out of witty taglines. The cloud of dust approaching he had not seen since the townsfolk women had stormed the mall of Avalon during their last sale, he hoped to himself that there would be less people harmed in this battle then there were on that fateful day.

  Finally after what seemed like a too long and meandering paragraph the dust cleared and before him stood the familiar face of evil. "Expecting someone else?" asked the Deboner with his trademark evil smirk. "No, no I kind of figured it was you, I mean you are my only arch nemesis right." "You think your so smart don't you Hero, but I know you didn't see this coming, this machine behind me spells your doom, that's right D O O M E, DOOM!" "Well I hope it does a better job of spelling doom than you did, and yeah how could I not see it coming? I saw that trail of dust coming two towns over, did you really need to make it that big? are you compensating for something there boney? "ENOUGH, enough of this, you think it is your will to defend the harvest, to feed those peasant townsfolk, well enjoy trying to prepare with NO BONES!".."actually that would be quite nice on a salad, a boneless chicken breast." "STOP HAVING ALL THE ANSWERS YOU SMUG LITTLE TROGLODYTE!". The Hero had no time to look up what the hell he was just called, it was time to do a word he did understand.....attack.

  He had never ran so fast in his life, he ran faster then Petrus the third when someone called out cigarette break at the harvest, it was like something was pulling him.......wait..........something was pulling him.  Some force was pulling him toward the Deboner, but not just him, the sky was now covered in flying chickens, but what sorcery was this, in his time at the harvest the Hero had learned a great deal about chickens, the two most important being that you couldn't count them before they hatched, and they couldn't fly, so what now was making them take to the sky.  The Hero grabbed onto a nearby tree to stop himself from being pulled in the direct path of the device, and was aghast at what he saw next, chicken after chicken being crushed and vaporized, leaving only skin and dust.  It was a shocking revelation, the Deboner was not the bumbling idiot he thought he was, for once his name inspired seriousness instead of giggling, the main food source of the townsfolk was depleting before his eyes, and he had to stop it. In the midst of the dust and feathers the Hero was able to make out the Deboner, standing with a large joystick in his hand, rubbing it gently, and reveling in the ecstasy of  a plan coming into fruition.

  The Hero knew it was time to act, taking out his trusty and effective chicken string he lassoed an approaching chicken and soared through the air, with a mighty kick the joystick was removed from the Deboner's hand, dropping to the earth below the Hero was able to race to the remote and hit the off button, with that all the soaring chickens fell to the earth like a delicious hailstorm. "HERO..........YOU HAVE SCREWED ME FOR THE LAST TIME........YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON.....WELL WE WILL SEE HOW YOU WIN WHEN I GET MY ROCKS OFF....". "Wait........what" he didn't have time to finish as he saw the first rock flying at him, the Deboner had now taken a more primitive approach and was using a slingshot, what was more of a shock was that he proved to be an adept shot as a huge stone nailed the Hero right in the forehead, fallen on the ground in a daze with the now laughing manically Deboner standing over him, the Hero could not help but think of the people that needed him most, how would Bogeyus the procurer of goods procure goods if there were no goods to procure, how would Joshias afford his ear reduction surgery, how would Karenus the beggar ever make two bucks again, just as it seemed things couldn't get dimmer they did, the skies darkened, thunder rolled and the skies opened up.......literally, something was approaching, it was a bird, it was a plane, no, no wait it was definitely a bird, but it was no ordinary bird, and it was a welcome sight.

  The Hero looked up to see the Deboner struck and knocked off balance by none other then Cluckus the brave warrior chicken with the adamantium frame.  However, he was not alone, there was a smaller warrior fighting alongside him, a bird he never seen before, but he was a poultry that packed a punch.  Stumbling to his feet the Hero looked at Cluckus, "What took you so long?" "Missed the Bus" replied Cluckus.  Looking at his companion the Hero asked "And who might this be?" "I am Cletus, son of Cluckus, protector of the sacred Talon." Yet another shocking bit of information the Hero had to absorb, " You never told me you had a son." To which Cluckus replied "I didn't know till recently, he found me shortly after you left, I didn't believe it until we went to see some guy named Povich, an apothecary who has the means of finding out these things, he told me for certain that I WAS the father, but I've seen him fight, and I am proud of him, he is good, he is strong, he can fly......wait that's not right." No it wasn't right, somewhere in the midst of catching up the Deboner had gotten the remote back, and the Chick Magnet was on again, now all of the brave warriors were being pulled toward the magnet. "WHAT DO WE DO DAD?" yelled Cletus. "IT WILL BE FINE SON, JUST REPEAT YOUR MANTRA LIKE I TAUGHT YOU'. With that both chickens bowed their heads and repeated these worlds:

 Once more into the fray
 Into the last good fight I'll ever know
 Won't be fried this day
 Won't be fried this day

  The Hero seeing this wished he had taught of a mantra of his own that could help, thinking fast he repeated the first thing that came into his head:

  Open the door, get on the floor
  Everybody walk the dinosaur
  Open the door, get on the floor
  Everybody walk the dinosaur

 He didn't know why he thought of that, he had no time to think about it for they were approaching the Chick Magnet quickly when suddenly it was over, the machine started to sputter and all of a sudden it exploded. The Deboner looked on in disbelief......."I can't believe, my equipment has failed.......I swear this has never happened before......." The Hero, his face full of relief quipped "Yeah sure buddy, I'm sure you were just stressed, trying to destroy a town's food supply can be nerve racking, happens to all guys." "NOT TO ME, NONE OF MY THINGS EVER PREMATURELY EXPLODE...........WHAT ARE YOU GIGGLING AT?" The giggling was soon replaced with the sound of an adamantium talon striking the Deboner's face, the two warrior chickens pecked and scratched at the Deboner, sending him fleeing in a desperate escape attempt, running his way through countless chickens the Hero unraveled his trusty and effective chicken string, wrapping it around his feet and tripping him up. "You say I wasn't prepared for you Deboner, guess again, I have done my homework, and I know how to stop you." With that the Hero unveiled a big latex sack, and covered the Deboner head to toe.  "Now that you are covered in this protective latex shell you will no longer be able to spread your evil anywhere, and you the town shall be safe.

  Upon arriving at the jail where the Deboner would spent his days encased in latex, the Hero said goodbye to his warrior chicken friends. "Where will you go now?" "Well I hear Maria Brun is up to her old tricks again, so I guess that's where we are headed, but I am sure our path's will cross again Hero."  Tired and beaten down but overjoyed at the defeat of his arch enemy the Hero began the journey home. So overjoyed was he that he had not noticed it started to rain, nor did he notice the hole that had formed in the latex sack of the unconscious Deboner.

 The laughing............he definitely heard the laughing though.

The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 8: Tent-acles of Evil

  It was a hot day at the harvest, it was so hot that you could fry an egg on the pavement, but the Hero wouldn't do it because last time he tried he was mobbed by homeless people trying to get a feast, it wasn't enough he left the garbage bin lids open so they could eat whatever they wanted, now they wanted his breakfast too. He was having a normal day at the harvest, pick up chicken, slice chicken, dispense chicken, throw chicken at serving wenches who could never run fast enough.  In some circles this was labelled abuse, the Hero stayed away from those circles, he stayed away from circles altogether, he liked a good corner. As he sliced and diced, and julienned(after which he could still cut a tomato) he was approached by one of his co-harvesters Karenus.  Karenus was an odd sort, she would often times remove most of her hair and pin it to a wall for no reason until she felt like having long hair again. Before being plucked up by the harvest, she was a beggar on the streets, her roots never really left her as daily she would approach all the harvesters asking for two pence, "Got two pence for the lotto?" she would ask, and then write the person's name down on paper.  The Hero often wondered if this lotto she spoke of was real or mythical, but he always played along, because he knew Karenus and he was afraid, anyone who could take her hair out at random was no one to be messed with.

   The Hero then heard those all too familiar words "Two Pence? Two Pence for the lotto?" Karenus asked "Ummm not today Karenus, I spent all my pence at the tea merchant, I shall have it for you in the morrow" "You better" exclaimed Karenus as she pushed the marker along her throat in some neck cutting gesture.  He knew Karenus, and he was afraid.  Of all the local tea merchants, Timias of Horton was the most popular, and the most widespread, he had set up shops all over the township and whichever one you entered there was always a line, it was a place where people went to congregate and linger, and let out all their passive aggressiveness. Lately he had seen etchings on their mugs promoting something known as "Camp day", he was curious to this ritual as it appeared that it entailed shipping kids off into remote woods, and forcing them to survive.  He had heard of this before in other townships where hungry people were forced to play games until there was one survivor, but could it be really happening here? Was Timias of Horton using his shops to kidnap the townsfolk's children and force them into battle? He had to get to the bottom of this, after, of course, he had gotten to the bottom of his delicious tea.

   He searched all the Timias locations he could in search of answers, but his resolve was tested, as was his bladder, all those teas were taking affect, but he could not stop drinking tea, wait maybe that was it, maybe there was something in the hot beverages that were making people numb to the fact that there kids were being taken.  He asked around but all he got was townsfolk with rapid speech and twitchy eye movements, these speed freaks were of no use to him. Just as he was about to give up a fleet footed stranger  laid a doughnut on his table, but this was no ordinary doughnut, it was filled with the finest cream of Boston, as he took a bite he discovered something odd, the cream tasted papery, wait it was paper, it was a note that read
"Eggs......bacon.......ham.......bread...." his reading was interrupted when the fleet footed stranger soared past again laying another doughnut on the table.  He hurriedly took a bite to find another note which read "Sorry, you got the wrong doughnut...........you are on the right track, where the coffee brews, trouble also brews, just follow your nose.....ooh that reminds me get fruit loops as well." Just then he saw,and smelled what the note was talking about, a person in black making fresh coffee, that must second in command to Timias, he had to act fast, snatching the girl he ran off, as the other employees gave chase a spilled a rack of doughnut balls known as Timias bits all over the floor causing all chasers to slip and fall.

  "Now your gonna tell me everything I need to know about this Camp day" "Okay" responded the girl, "Well that was easy." "Hey look, they pay me a serf's wages and it's not enough to deal with all those townsfolk, so here's the deal, every year when production of coffee beans and donuts start to slow, and workers leave Timias decides to cut costs by bringing in children, it's a trick he learned from his Asian cousin. So every year this time he gets parents to round up their kids like they are going to some fun camp, when in reality they are covered in yeast and flour all day long. They say at least ten kids a year lose a finger, and that's how they get the crunch in the walnut crunch." The Hero was almost floored by this confession, he loved those walnut crunches, and now the sight of them would repulse him like it would a Bogeyus coughing fit. The Hero knew he had to stop this, but it may be too late, for today was Camp day, he looked at the sun to see what time it was, then remembered he couldn't tell time from the sun.  He had to run fast, but he couldn't leave the girl alone, now that she revealed the secret Timias might send someone after her, he saw the ogrish Christoph approaching him, stopping him he asked if he could guard her for a while, he dumbly responded with "Sure....I will take her to my basement....it's more equipped for holding young girls" and that was his motivation to run faster.

  He arrived at the Timias of Horton shop to see townsfolk bringing in treasured possessions, that would be sold off and used to raise money to take the kids away.  The Hero tried to warn whomever he could of what Timias was doing, just then he heard a blast, and felt something hit him hard making him fall to the ground, he looked around and before him stood a tall figure, it was Timias, and he appeared to be the opposite of happy.  "You have felt the affects of my Timias bit cannon, as a regular doughnut ball they are delicious, but at 210 mph they are deadly. You wanna come in here and spill the coffee beans about me using the peasant children to make my products, I say so what.......go ahead.........these are poor children, who will even miss them, I stopped taking the rich kids when they became too demanding; however, these kids, these poor kids are just happy they don't have to sleep on the ground anymore............well okay they still sleep on the ground, but it's softer ground.  And they are easily amused, one kid said he couldn't swim but I threw him in the pond,and you know what, he stayed there for hours, we called and called but he just floated there face down, actually perhaps we should check on him, he was a good doughnut maker."

  After Timias was finished, the Hero stood silent, mostly for dramatic affect, "I will admit your plan to use kids as a cheap source of labor is a good one, but much like your doughnuts.........it has a hole in it." He had the sudden urge to put on sunglasses but there was no time as Timias fired from the cannon again, grabbing a nearby cookie sheet he deflected the Timias bits away and and unrolling his trusty chicken string he lassoed the doughnut dictator and tossed him to the ground. "There will be no Second Cup for you pal, you are about to see Stars buck, all your dreams are about to Fritter away...." "OH WILL YOU STOP THE PUNS AND GET ON WITH IT.....you had your action hero line already.  With that the Hero picked up the cannon and shot the Timias bits right into the Timias balls, one at a time until Timias agreed to never use kids to make doughnuts again.  With a round of applause and an extra large tea the Hero began to walk back to the harvest when he stopped, there was something approaching off in the distance, and it was coming fast

 "That's the biggest one of those I have ever seen.........Deboner" said the Hero and he knew it was time.

The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 7: Petty Crimes

  It had been an especially busy week at the harvest, I mean it was always busy there but these days it seemed like customers were coming out of the woodwork, which was the neighboring village, and usually villagers kept to their village cause they had their own harvest, but months prior they had lost it due to an infestation of wild badgers, or so were the reports. The hero's boss Peterus granted him a few days off to "recharge his batteries" which both excited him and confused him for he didn't think he ran on batteries, he had always thought he was solar powered, which was why he felt so sluggish when it rained.  With several days off the Hero had to find something to do, he planned on training to fight the Deboner, but he was especially quiet lately, and there was only so many montages he could take.  He had made plans to see an acting troupe perform a play about small ravenous fish attacking townsfolk, apparently the actors through things at the audience to enhance their experience.  He had planned to see this with harvest co-worker Joshias, he was a good man, struck with a case of gigantism as a child but only in the ears, which made him an extraordinary listener but made it hard for him to walk on a windy day.

  After those plans got delayed the Hero sought a new outlet to entertain him, he had heard of a popular minstrel group coming to town, Tomias Petty and his traveling minstrels were known all over the land, their songs sang everywhere so there would no doubt be a huge crowd of townsfolk to see them.  After some confusion as to why the first show was on the second night, the Hero shrugged and paid the entrance fee.  As he had suspected there were thousands upon thousands of people there, some people must have even hopped on those winged vehicles he had heard some much about.  The amount of people astonished him, the last time he had heard of this many people in one place, one of the old serving wenches Marias had talked about Jesus feeding all those people with fish and bread.  He could listen to her stories for hours, cause they didn't include things that were in Jesus' biography, such as how many bills had to be taken care of when the fish and bread ran out, and how many free meals had to be given out, and also how Noah actually had three of every animal on board the ark, the extra weight made it hard to sail but every night they had a delicious meal.

  The Hero found his seat and waited for the performance to begin; but when it did he could not believe his eyes.  Before Tomias Petty and his minstrels took the stage, they marched out four blind African American men, all in matching suits, and made them perform in front of the townsfolk.  He had heard of this practice before, but had thought it had been abolished when it was discovered that they dominated every sporting event.  Now the Hero didn't mind cheap labor, he knew the Mexican townsfolk had been put on earth for a reason, but this was unacceptable, to march these poor people out there and prance them around was preposterous, and he knew he had to do something about it.  On the way down from his seat he noticed something, besides the fact that his foot couldn't keep from tapping, the other townsfolk were also transfixed by their performance, everywhere he looked the whitest of people were infused with rhythm, and they could not stop dancing and waving their arms, something wasn't right, something was very wrong.

   It was time for Tomias Petty to take the stage, and his dulcet tones filled the coliseum, everywhere the Hero looked people were singing along with him, and relentlessly clapping until their hands bled.  Some poor villager a few rows ahead of him could not stop dancing and gyrating, at first the Hero thought he was having a seizure, but it was much worse, it was not a seizure, it was the man's soul leaving his body.  Just then it dawned him, he had forgot to put out his fire pit at home.........oh and this music was turning people into mindless zombies, he had to stop it before it was too late.   He knew he could not take on this outbreak at once, he would need backup, he had to go to the harvest and round up his co-workers, he trusted them for the most part, and their brains would surely be delicious.............no it was getting to him, he had to leave quickly.

  Upon arriving at the harvest he saw young dishwasher Tylerus, who called himself Tyler for short, he didn't understand why everyone else didn't shorten their names, but then he didn't understand why he didn't have a name so he didn't question it.  When told of the situation Tyler responded "A zombie outbreak, that's Tyleriffec, I will join you my friend and I will unleash the THE EYE OF THE TYLER." The Hero wasn't sure why he screamed the last part, or why he included his name in other words, but Tyler was wiry and in a pinch could be picked up and used to hit zombies with, so he would be useful.  Next the Hero saw Andrewis, who when he heard the story, stared blankly for a few minutes, and then laughed as if he had missed out on some joke.  The Hero cursed that wagon that hit Andrewis as a boy, but then he had an idea, he simply told him that the zombies planned on making Andrewis a dishwasher, and rage overtook him. Next he saw one of the hosting wenches Alyssyius, who could be useful as she possessed the power of long windedness, she could make one sentence last two hours, that and her rapid speech would truly cause some confusion. It was a rough time for the harvest to be short staffed, his brother Robbieus was performing a show with his minstrel group, apparently an untimely gust of wind had left Joshias in a high tree, and Bogeyus the procurer of goods was on one of his many trips to the market. He would have asked the serving wenches to help, but if things went bad they would have to run, and serving wenches have a problem running fast.

  Taking what he could get, the Hero rounded up his band of misfits, he packed some heavy duty and even more trustworthy chicken string, and some duct tape for when Alyssyius started one of her stories.  They arrived at the store and witnessed the horrific scene, as far as the eye could see people were dancing, and clapping, and eating the other townsfolk, and in the middle of all controlling the action was Tomias Petty.  "PETTY" the Hero bellowed and the music stopped, everyone both with a mind and without turned to look at the intruders "You have controlled your last zombie, and they have eaten their last brain, now your going down" "AND IT'S GONNA BE TYLERTASTIC" leaning to his puny yet strong willed associate he said "you can't really fit Tyler in fantastic" "Hey, Tyler fits in anything, just ask the ladies.....eh....eh." The Hero made a mental note to punch Tyler after this was over.

  His note was interrupted when Petty began to speak "You think you can stop me, many have tried, many have failed, the last was an American girl, she was tougher then she appeared, but I vanquished her, that was my last dance with Mary Jane, you can come at me but you will find that I won't back down, I will stand my ground.  I open a new world for these people, a world of escape, they don't have to live like a refugee.  They all follow me now, it's good to be king, and you will not take it from me, come after me and you will be learning to fly, it will be the end of the line for you." "Enough with the song titles" quipped the Hero as he began to charge "Tweeter........Monkey man..........attack", with that two huge mind controlled monsters charged, the Hero was able to lasso them and tie them together, as he looked around he noticed that Alyssyius had a number of zombies distracted with a story that truly wasn't going anywhere, then suddenly the wind picked up and they blew away.  Some zombies began to drag Andrewis away but once he thought he was being lead to the pit of dishes he began to fight back. It was now down to the Hero and Tomias Petty. "I bet your interested in how I did this" a smug Petty said "Not really" retorted the hero. "You see those men I have play before me are a soul band in more then one way, they literally suck the souls out of the people, and they all go to me, there is only one antidote and it's this book which you will never get." Petty's monologue was interrupted by the laughing of the Hero. "What's so funny? I never made a joke!" "Well see you just told me your plan, and how to turn things around, everyone knows when that happens the good guy always wins." "Awwww crap, I knew I shouldn't have smoked that weedgrass."

  Just as the hero was about to wind up and deliver the finishing blow from behind came a loud shriek and Petty was taken down, "CROUCHING TYLER HIDDEN DRAGON" ......while that was a better use of his name it was an unfortunate time to get in the way, but the Hero noticed something, in the ongoing scuffle the book had fallen out, he snatched it quickly and looked it over "Hmmmm chicken soup for the soulless" he started reading stories of how people overcame being mindless sheep and he saw the crowd drop who they were eating and begin to pay attention, one by one they came to their senses, but surveying the carnage they all wept, some screamed "What kind of concert would make us go on a murderous rampage?" The Hero simply responded with "how about Justinus Bieberus, I am pretty sure he could also suck the life out of people." All the townsfolk laughed and agreed, and peace was restored.....

  For now.

The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter Six: The rise of Deboner

There is a story of love here
If you read between the lines
We aren't meant to understand
The situation as defined
 

  It was a rare slow day at the harvest, so the Hero did what most heroes do in those occasions, he sat around and and talked about himself.  After many a tale about his adventures, young Petrus the third asked of the Deboner, and after the usual round of giggling there was silence.  Petrus asked how he could defeat the Deboner, or if he even knew where he was.  The Hero looked grim, yet thoughtful, he didn't have an answer just yet, but with the new found power of montage given to him by foul foe turned foul friend Cluckus he would have the Intel he sought out.  His co-workers were shocked and confused, yet filled with rhythmic exuberance as the strains of Never Gonna Give you up played, and they watched him quickly look over maps and assorted data sheets. Returning to his seat he looked at young Petrus and said "I have discovered that he has a fortress at Mount Cialis, but it is not at the very top, it is in some deep deep cavern and can only be found by hitting some kind of button, the map says I am looking for a spot marked with a G.  "But can you find it?" asked the inquisitive cook, "According to legend few men have, but I plan to try my darnedest." "But what will you do if you can't find your way in?" "Well I may not be able to reach the bottom, but I will certainly beat the sides out of it to reach him."


..........Meanwhile at Mount Cialis...................

 "LOOK AT THOSE FOOLS, THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S COMING" he screamed to......absolutely nobody, he was so focused on watching through his big periscope, which extended for miles, so he could see the vast plains, he called it his one eyed monster, and never quite understood why the men laughed and the women were repulsed when he labeled it that. He had never even heard them leave, he had been clutching the one eyed monster so long that he lost track of time, they were lazy, those minions, and they never understood him, no one understood him, his mind began to wonder, he hated when it wondered.


.......Paris France, sometime between the French surrendered for the first and second time....................

 Peter Debonyay was a happy child, despite not knowing his father, only hearing stories about how he was a Mexican colonel in the revolution, who had left to open his own chain of chicken restaurants.  The man never sent money but often sent boxes of chickens, and while he thought there were too many herbs and spices, he liked the chicken nonetheless. He was a simple child, content to sit and play with his balls, and balls of others, yes many soccer games were had in his village. He could see his mother was weary from supporting him on her own, and was frustrated from the lack of support from his father, but as a proud French person she had taught him that there was no shame in surrendering, and "Why fight? when they will just run us over anyway."  This was the attitude he had had until that fateful night as a teen, while sat at the table eating more of his father's chicken, how he hated that chicken now, his mother began to choke on a bone, until then he had only seen choking from his national soccer team, he had not seen it in person, and he did not know what to do, he watched as his mother gagged on that fateful bone and lay motionless.

  The anger grew after her death, the ball of rage became bigger and bigger with nothing to focus it on.  Life had given him the shaft, and he would give the shaft back, and he would make it hurt.  As he cleared out his house, and prepared to leave there, possibly to never return, he saw it, the box of discarded chicken bones, the thing that had killed his mother, and then he knew, it was the chicken, all the chickens had to die.  He would lay all his might upon the white, on a lark he would destroy the dark, he knew he was angry because he only rhymed when he was angry, he would crush the bones of every foul, it could get messy, he packed a towel.  He set out on his mission, no more a Debonyay, now a Deboner.



..........Back to the Future(excellent movie, check it out)

There is a story of hate here
One of deceit and lies
Now we strike out at the world
To sully it in our eyes
 

 His daydreaming was interrupted by his large henchmen Mr. Black, he spared no expense to find the best henchmen, and he knew it was true what they said, once you got Black, you don't come back. "Sir, the weapon is just about ready to go." Ah yes the weapon, it was his baby, the thing that would help him to achieve his goal, standing ten feet tall, longer then it was wide, he approached it and stood in awe, all the girl minions wouldn't stop touching it until he chased them away.  With the press of a button it sent a pulse that honed into the brains of chickens, causing them to actually fly, fly in the direction of of the device, he called it the chick magnet, for nothing could resist it's power.  He tapped his massive rod staff on the ground to get the attention of his minions. "Ladies and gentleman.....war is coming........the Hero thinks he can stop me but he will be defeated, his bones crushed like the bones of the rotting foul he tries to protect.  For too long I have been screwed, but no more, I will not be the screwer  not the screwee and I will be on top. When the time is right I will enter the harvest, and I will thrust evil all upon it, and they will scream, but I will not stop until every last one of them is crushed.  The Hero likes to sit there and make his jokes at me and the expense of others, well when he sees what is about to be delivered to him, he will laugh no more HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......yeah that, no more of that.

.............Meanwhile back at the Harvest............

 "And that's how I discovered how good chocolate and peanut butter tastes together" said the Hero still telling his epic tales, he knew his co-workers were not asleep, they were just deep in focus and admiration.  His stories were stopped with the appearance of a cloaked messenger, his face hidden, he rode in on horseback and threw a package at the hero.  The hero opened it and dropped it just as quickly, contained inside was a powder, inherently he knew what the powder was, it was ground up chicken bones, picking up the paper there was nothing else but these words, and with them he knew war was coming:

                                                       I feel this situation
                                                      On the winds of change
                                                Remember me when your dreaming
                                                     Ive gone boneless

Part 5: The Saga of the Hero and the Cluckus and Hero (By Guest Author Bill HTWAVCBH Martin)

         

This is but a chapter in the story of Cluckus

Who sought to fight evil when it created ruckus;

Long were the days in the land with no sky;

This is the land between Live and Die.

Also the land some called purgatory

This is the place wherein lies our story.

A Hero, called No Name, as Ulysses of Old

Did lecture the chicken, who answered him bold:

“The Hero and Cluckus will be the title,”

Screamed out the Hero, to him this was vital.

“Not while I live with my adamantium bones;

Cluckus , the first name to be on our tomes!”

Cluckus’ talons gleamed razor sharp

Upon this point he was prepared to harp.

For days numbered two this debate raged on

While in the sky Thunder went on and on;

Lightening, too, flashed ‘cross the sky

And struck the Hero, who seemed hard done by.

The Harps of Fate were then heard strumming;

Cluckus said: “Wow, didn’t see that one coming.”

He extended a wing to the laid low Hero

Who’d gone from upright to sea level  minus zero.

The Hero crackled and sizzled with power;

And Cluckus knew then twas almost the hour

For songs had been sung of this Hero to date

All of which agreed that he would be great.

The Hero’s eyes suddenly fluttered open;

To be back at the Harvest was what he was hopin’

“I feel kinda different,” he said to the chicken

“My stomach’s all off, I think I may sicken.”

But sick he wasn’t, he couldn’t be wronger!

Lightening did not kill him, just made him stronger.

“What’s happened to me,” the Hero inquired

He felt kinda different, inwardly fired.

“Power has been given to you on this day;

Do no misuse it,” was what Cluckus did say.

“I will teach you its course, and then you will see

That with Great power comes responsibility.”

“I’ve heard that before,” the Hero did say.

From Spiderman I think, on some fateful day”

“The spider is wise,” responded the fowl

And so let us go, and get on the prowl.”

But before the two could begin training

A figure arose under a moon that was waning;

He wore a poncho, a mustache and sombrero

And he was a colonel; Colonel Sandero!

Cluckus’ nemesis of old, who did not adore him,

Now rose from the grave, rose up before him!

“You’re protege’s weak,” Sandero did say.

The Hero could only respond with: “Hey!”

Sandero’s grimace slid right off of Cluckus

But in the Hero’s heart it made such a ruckus.

“Three days from now, I will crush his spine

And all of this hateful land will be mine!

Look for me then by Sandero’s rock,

I’ll defeat your protégé, you useless old cock;

When he finally lay’s expired at my feet

Once and for all, know you’ll be beat!”

With a puff of smoke, Sandero disappeared

Leaving the Hero somewhat afeared;

Cluckus only sighed, saying “Will this never end?

True evil never really dies my friend.

Let us make our way to Sandero’s rock

Where you’ll beat him down, just like Brock

Lesnar, beat down all those guys

What? We get UFC here, don’t be surprised!”

The Hero stood stock still, and glared at the fowl

He felt so frustrated, he wanted to howl;

“Listen to me, you foul stupid bird

Me fighting Sandero is oh so absurd!

He’s clearly a master of the arcane arts

With what should I fight him, my uncanny farts?

How can I learn enough in three days

To take down Sandero and leave him a’dazed?”

Cluckus merely sighed, espying the doubt

Which had o’ertaken the Hero, causing his shout:

“The gods have provided, just come with me

All will be revealed and then you will see.”

They walked for some time through land which was strange

Until finally Cluckus felt they’d covered the range;

“Here is where I will teach you of your power;

It will not take long, for this is your Hour.

The bolt from the sky was divine intervention

You’ve been given the powers of learning and retention;

So much the better is your divine frontage

For you have been given the Power of Montage!”

The Hero just stood slack jawed and unheeding

Surely his ears had been so misleading?

Had the Chicken said Montage, just like in a movie?

Because if he had, that sure would be groovy.

“Now listen up chicken, don’t get me wrong

Do you mean that I can learn things by song?

Because doing so would ease my frustration

And I would look to music for so much inspiration!”

“You have guessed true,” the chicken replied

Feeling at last some fledgling of pride;

Sure his protégé was mostly quite dense

But at least he was slightly smarter than a fence.

“You have been chosen to right the misdeeds

Of the DeBoner (teehee) and his greeds;

So let us get learning, I’ve brought my guitar

I’ve got this good Chord App, so we won’t have to go far;

Let’s start with Survivor, a good place to start

Eye of the Tiger shall lend you strength of heart;

From there Duran Duran, to bridge the Gulf

Between Desire and action Hungry like the Wolf

So Hero and Mentor, Chicken and Man

Did train all not long, to fulfill the plan

Of some whackdoodle god with naught better to do

Than to go messing within Nature’s zoo.

By morning the Hero was weary in spirit;

Cluckus played more, but he didn’t want to hear it;

“Enough! I am done, I’ve had no sleep.

You know I don’t care about this Sandero creep!

I just need to get home, back to my land

And slap the Deboner with the back of my hand;

I’m tired of music so what do you say!”

Cluckus just looked, and softly began to play.

We’ve known each other for so long;

Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it

“Oh no” said the Hero,” I know this tune.”

But Cluckus kept playing under the waning moon.

Inside we both know what’s going on;

We know the game and we’re gonna play it.

A spark started growing in the Hero’s heart

He’d just been Rick rolled, but would play his part

And if you ask me how I’m feeling

Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see it.

 The Hero’s heart grew three sizes that day

And he knew the Deboner, would never break sway

And together they sang as the sun came up;

The Hero lost all thought of his frown:

Never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down;

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say good bye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

The Hero’s heart grew even more sizes that day

As his Heroic nature finally gained sway;

He’d never give up, not ever again

And he’d bring to the DeBoner, all sorts of pain.

Well friends from there, our story is done

The battle with Sandero? Easily won.

I won’t go through it all, twould take too long

But it was a victory for the power of song.

The Highlights

Sandero thought to throw dirt in the eyes

But thanks to Montage, he’d got a surprise

For in one good song the Hero had learned

To defend himself when his poor eyes burned.

He caught Sandero’s truly aimed fist

And tore him a wing, if you get my gist;

From there all was done, without a doubt

For the arms have some veins, and Sandero bled out.

Cluckus stood o’er Sandero, saying “Ah Bug it!’

Drew off and kicked him right in the nuggets.

And that was the end of Colonel Sandero

The Vice Dean of Evil who sported bolero.

As Sandero lay bleeding all over the ground

A portal there opened, perfectly round;

The Hero then knew he’d passed this trial

And must head back to defeat the most vile

Villain plaguing Harvests all over the land

He stood tall and proud, and proffered his hand;

Cluckus stood and smiled there with pride

He saw the new strength the Hero had inside.

“Go then to your land,” the chicken did say

“And defeat this new evil, which seeks to hold sway.

Remember your time here, and remember the songs

Which will teach you mad skillz, to defeat the wrongs

Done there by others who’d seek to rule poorly;

Teach them their lessons, teach them such sorely.

Go back to your home and make ye good ruckus

And go tell the tale of the Hero and Cluckus!”

At the face of the portal the Hero stood proudly

And over its noise he did proclaim loudly.

“Thank you for your training, Cluckus the Great

May you be one chicken I ne’er see on a plate!”

With that last benediction the Hero jumped through

And Cluckus stood wondering how he would do;

“Ah well,” he said. “Odds are better than zero

And screw that, this was called

CLUCKUS AND THE HERO!

This was but one chapter of the life of Cluckus

Who sought to slay evil, when it created great ruckus.

                                      

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av2

The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 4: What's causing all this Cluckus?

  How did things get to be like this? His world turned literally upside down, The Hero hung precariously from the tree branch, unable to reach his trusty chicken knife he could not cut himself free; however, as he looked down he saw that he had bigger problems. There's no way what he was seeing was real, he must still be under the effects of the Deboner's dream powder, was it? No it couldn't be, did his eyes deceive him? Or was that in fact a giant chicken standing underneath him. The giant chicken looked up and proceeded to cut him down, letting him fall to the earth with a hearty thud, as he began to thank this strange chicken a sharp talon came thrusting towards him, he was able to dodge the attack using the sage advice imparted to him from Jeffrius, the potato stick preparer.  When once traveling a yonder country side he encountered a massive bear, knowing he was no match for the giant animal he began to use the boxing technique of sticking and moving, after a while rendering the bear to tired to fight back, that bearskin adorns the floor of his hut to this very day.

  However, this was no bear, nor ordinary piece of poultry, chickens were fast, he was faster, they were hard to catch, he was harder to catch, he had the agility and ferocity of ten angry turkeys, and he was relentless in his attack. WHO ARE YOU? screamed the Hero, WHY DO YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU? Just then the giant foul let out a giant squawk, and pushed our hero hard to the ground. "You honestly believe that you have done nothing to my kind, you the feared slayer of chickens, the man whose name is spoken in hushed breaths among my race, do you sit there and deny these claims? "Whoa whoa whoa....whoa......whoa.....whoa, I have nothing against your race, I happen to find your kind very friendly, and delicious, you have the wrong man."

 "You are just like the rest of them" retorted the vengeful bird, "always saying I have the wrong person." I have battled for decades the likes of you, you mortal beings, there was the Evil Maria Brun, who I watched take my friends and throw them in the hottest oils imaginable until their skins were crispy.  There was the wicked Colonel Sanderos, a magical man whose secret potion made my friends golden and juicy and irresistible to insatiable townspeople.  Now there is you, the alleged Hero, you take my race, chickens that I have fought proudly with, and you.....you quarter them, letting those folk eat pieces of them at a time, then you pick the bones and boil the leftovers, and people call me a monster."

  "That was a right pretty speech, but now I'm gonna hit you in that foul mouth of yours." With that the Hero lunged at the massive poultry, unsheathing his trusty chicken knife he thrust it into the heart of the great bird..........or he would have, if the knife had gotten through.  The Hero had never seen anything like this, underneath the feathers and tender juicy white meat lay not cartilage or bone, but steel.  He was awe struck, then he was struck by a massive chicken foot which sent him sailing back to the entrance of the chicken harvest.  Crawling on his hands and knees he was stopped by his manager Petrus, father of Petrus the third, "You don't look so well man, are you okay?" "Am fine.........must.....go.....back.....and.......fight......big.....giant.....chicken." Petrus looked at The Hero with a confused stare "You have been working to hard, why don't you take a few days off, and if you could urinate in this here cup. that would be great." As he rose to his feet, he staggered out toward the road he had just been tossed from, encountering Bogias the provider of goods he asked him if he had seen a massive chicken, bigger then anything they had seen before, Bogias responded by saying "No, No, the only chickens I've seen are the ones in the ice box, they are average size, exactly 3.6 kilograms, a fun fact if you add all them up, divide by 2, and then multiply by 7 you get a guess at our average food cost."  The Hero knew what it meant when Bogias went off on a math tangent, and he knew it could take a couple of hours for him to finish, and every minute counted, so he crept away.

  He approached the spot he was thrown from to find the massive bird waiting for him. "Perhaps I underestimated you Hero, but I shall no more." With that a set of retractable metal talons shot out, he had never seen talons like this before.  "What sort of sorcery is this? How can you have no talons one minute and then have metal the next? Who are you?" "The name is Cluckus, I am the first and last of my kind, before they started this fresh, never frozen kind of my race, the farmers who watched us pumped us full of chemicals to make us grow faster, but me I grew too fast, and my bones began to deteriorate, not wanting to lose any of his flock, the genius farmer replaced my bones with something called Adamantium, it is impenetrable so your puny blade won't cut through it, and it allows me to heal faster as well, so there is nothing you can do to me, you will never remove the bones of another chicken again."

 "Wait, I don't remove the bones of a chicken.........well unless the townsfolk want a sandwich, and I hate making sandwiches......between you and me I try to leave a bone intact so they find it and don't want a sandwich anymore. It is not me you seek, it is the Deboner, it is he who seeks to turn your kind into oversize whoopie cushions." "Hmmm, I had heard this Deboner's name spoken, but thought no man could truly name himself such a terrible and giggle worthy name." "Yeah I couldn't believe it either, but he is real,and he is powerful, but maybe if we combine our forces he can be stopped." "Well I still don't like what you do to my race, and you still have to pay for your actions, but the fight against evil is a fight that must be fought first, let's go then, join me in my crusade."

 "Ummm technically, I fought the Deboner first, so your joining me in my Crusade."

 "This is gonna be a long trek."

 "Do you think when we win, they will write tales about us, The Adventures of the Hero and Cluckus"

 "You mean The Adventures of Cluckus and the Hero"

 "THE HERO AND CLUCKUS"

 "CLUCKUS AND THE HERO"

 This argument lasted two whole days, until something happened that would bring them together, and nearly tear the harvest apart.