The Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 8: Tent-acles of Evil

  It was a hot day at the harvest, it was so hot that you could fry an egg on the pavement, but the Hero wouldn't do it because last time he tried he was mobbed by homeless people trying to get a feast, it wasn't enough he left the garbage bin lids open so they could eat whatever they wanted, now they wanted his breakfast too. He was having a normal day at the harvest, pick up chicken, slice chicken, dispense chicken, throw chicken at serving wenches who could never run fast enough.  In some circles this was labelled abuse, the Hero stayed away from those circles, he stayed away from circles altogether, he liked a good corner. As he sliced and diced, and julienned(after which he could still cut a tomato) he was approached by one of his co-harvesters Karenus.  Karenus was an odd sort, she would often times remove most of her hair and pin it to a wall for no reason until she felt like having long hair again. Before being plucked up by the harvest, she was a beggar on the streets, her roots never really left her as daily she would approach all the harvesters asking for two pence, "Got two pence for the lotto?" she would ask, and then write the person's name down on paper.  The Hero often wondered if this lotto she spoke of was real or mythical, but he always played along, because he knew Karenus and he was afraid, anyone who could take her hair out at random was no one to be messed with.

   The Hero then heard those all too familiar words "Two Pence? Two Pence for the lotto?" Karenus asked "Ummm not today Karenus, I spent all my pence at the tea merchant, I shall have it for you in the morrow" "You better" exclaimed Karenus as she pushed the marker along her throat in some neck cutting gesture.  He knew Karenus, and he was afraid.  Of all the local tea merchants, Timias of Horton was the most popular, and the most widespread, he had set up shops all over the township and whichever one you entered there was always a line, it was a place where people went to congregate and linger, and let out all their passive aggressiveness. Lately he had seen etchings on their mugs promoting something known as "Camp day", he was curious to this ritual as it appeared that it entailed shipping kids off into remote woods, and forcing them to survive.  He had heard of this before in other townships where hungry people were forced to play games until there was one survivor, but could it be really happening here? Was Timias of Horton using his shops to kidnap the townsfolk's children and force them into battle? He had to get to the bottom of this, after, of course, he had gotten to the bottom of his delicious tea.

   He searched all the Timias locations he could in search of answers, but his resolve was tested, as was his bladder, all those teas were taking affect, but he could not stop drinking tea, wait maybe that was it, maybe there was something in the hot beverages that were making people numb to the fact that there kids were being taken.  He asked around but all he got was townsfolk with rapid speech and twitchy eye movements, these speed freaks were of no use to him. Just as he was about to give up a fleet footed stranger  laid a doughnut on his table, but this was no ordinary doughnut, it was filled with the finest cream of Boston, as he took a bite he discovered something odd, the cream tasted papery, wait it was paper, it was a note that read
"Eggs......bacon.......ham.......bread...." his reading was interrupted when the fleet footed stranger soared past again laying another doughnut on the table.  He hurriedly took a bite to find another note which read "Sorry, you got the wrong doughnut...........you are on the right track, where the coffee brews, trouble also brews, just follow your nose.....ooh that reminds me get fruit loops as well." Just then he saw,and smelled what the note was talking about, a person in black making fresh coffee, that must second in command to Timias, he had to act fast, snatching the girl he ran off, as the other employees gave chase a spilled a rack of doughnut balls known as Timias bits all over the floor causing all chasers to slip and fall.

  "Now your gonna tell me everything I need to know about this Camp day" "Okay" responded the girl, "Well that was easy." "Hey look, they pay me a serf's wages and it's not enough to deal with all those townsfolk, so here's the deal, every year when production of coffee beans and donuts start to slow, and workers leave Timias decides to cut costs by bringing in children, it's a trick he learned from his Asian cousin. So every year this time he gets parents to round up their kids like they are going to some fun camp, when in reality they are covered in yeast and flour all day long. They say at least ten kids a year lose a finger, and that's how they get the crunch in the walnut crunch." The Hero was almost floored by this confession, he loved those walnut crunches, and now the sight of them would repulse him like it would a Bogeyus coughing fit. The Hero knew he had to stop this, but it may be too late, for today was Camp day, he looked at the sun to see what time it was, then remembered he couldn't tell time from the sun.  He had to run fast, but he couldn't leave the girl alone, now that she revealed the secret Timias might send someone after her, he saw the ogrish Christoph approaching him, stopping him he asked if he could guard her for a while, he dumbly responded with "Sure....I will take her to my basement....it's more equipped for holding young girls" and that was his motivation to run faster.

  He arrived at the Timias of Horton shop to see townsfolk bringing in treasured possessions, that would be sold off and used to raise money to take the kids away.  The Hero tried to warn whomever he could of what Timias was doing, just then he heard a blast, and felt something hit him hard making him fall to the ground, he looked around and before him stood a tall figure, it was Timias, and he appeared to be the opposite of happy.  "You have felt the affects of my Timias bit cannon, as a regular doughnut ball they are delicious, but at 210 mph they are deadly. You wanna come in here and spill the coffee beans about me using the peasant children to make my products, I say so what.......go ahead.........these are poor children, who will even miss them, I stopped taking the rich kids when they became too demanding; however, these kids, these poor kids are just happy they don't have to sleep on the ground anymore............well okay they still sleep on the ground, but it's softer ground.  And they are easily amused, one kid said he couldn't swim but I threw him in the pond,and you know what, he stayed there for hours, we called and called but he just floated there face down, actually perhaps we should check on him, he was a good doughnut maker."

  After Timias was finished, the Hero stood silent, mostly for dramatic affect, "I will admit your plan to use kids as a cheap source of labor is a good one, but much like your doughnuts.........it has a hole in it." He had the sudden urge to put on sunglasses but there was no time as Timias fired from the cannon again, grabbing a nearby cookie sheet he deflected the Timias bits away and and unrolling his trusty chicken string he lassoed the doughnut dictator and tossed him to the ground. "There will be no Second Cup for you pal, you are about to see Stars buck, all your dreams are about to Fritter away...." "OH WILL YOU STOP THE PUNS AND GET ON WITH IT.....you had your action hero line already.  With that the Hero picked up the cannon and shot the Timias bits right into the Timias balls, one at a time until Timias agreed to never use kids to make doughnuts again.  With a round of applause and an extra large tea the Hero began to walk back to the harvest when he stopped, there was something approaching off in the distance, and it was coming fast

 "That's the biggest one of those I have ever seen.........Deboner" said the Hero and he knew it was time.