The Rise of Francisco Martinez

As part of my recent hermit lifestyle I've been firing up the old PS3 a lot, with the game of choice being MLB 10: The Show. I rather enjoy the mode called Road to the Show where you create a character, you start off in the minors and you work your way to the big leagues, so this is what I've been doing. I of course made myself, was drafted by the Blue Jays, which was awesome cause they are my favorite team, and they can't afford any big name players so I thought I'd have a good chance at making the club in a couple of years. However, things did not work out as planned, and much like the fans of the Blue Jays this year, I never made to the Roger's Center to even watch a game, I actually started going backwards. So with frustration setting in, I hung up my cleats and rode off into the sunset, only making it as far as the AAA affiliate Las Vegas, but I was comforted by the fact that my created self took time to enjoy the much gambling and female escorts that Vegas has to offer.

As one career ends another has began, I introduce to you Francisco Martinez, my new player, I decided to make him part African American, part Latin American so there is no way he can fail at baseball, he's tall, he's fast, he's 18, he's everything Ricky Martin has ever sung about. Now since you people who read my blog know I can't do anything normally, I have also given Francisco a back story, so join me as I recant a tale of struggle and hardship, determination, and the innocence of a kid who just wants to play baseball.

Francisco Martinez grew up in the small village of No Existo, in the Latin American region of Hizo. It was a poor village where the chickens out numbered the villagers, and therefore were in charge. Surrounded by his family, parents Eleanora and Roberto, and his siblings Roberto Jr. Bill and Kelly, Francisco had a good childhood, and his family was close, he remembers how every Saturday night he would hop on his bicycle, which was attached to the only radio the family had, and he would pedal for hours and hours as his family sang and danced to the music that played. While riding his bike Francisco dreamed of bigger things, seeing new worlds, new places where chickens weren't in control, but these dreams faded when he realized how hard it would be to make it, and his legs started to cramp up.

.......And then for a long time nothing happened

In his teen years Francisco discovered baseball, and also discovered that he had a natural talent for it, but something was holding him back, he had a defect......I'm sorry he had TO defect, he knew he must travel to America if he wanted his skills to flourish, so that is what he did. He said good bye to his family and the chickens and began his swim to a new life. Now the swim to America gets a bit weird, it involves a dolphin, and a huge tidal wave, and the volleyball from Cast Away, I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you so I'll just skip ahead. After years of hard work putting himself through school, his big day came, Francisco got the call, he had been drafted by the Kansas City Royals, and still not knowing much about team rankings, he was very excited by this.

Francisco is currently playing for the Kansas City double A team, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals, I caught up with him recently to find out how things were going, and to say this kid's future is bright is an understatement. I asked him how he likes living in Arkansas and he couldn't say enough nice things about the people there. "You know, the people here, they have been great to me, they are always there to help me train, when I go to run they chase me in large groups to make me run even faster, they light big crosses on my lawn because they know it gets dark and I will have trouble to see at night. The biggest support I think they give me is when they show up at the ballpark and yell words of encouragement like GO HOME, like they want me to score, or YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, just knowing that they think I deserve to be in the majors at my young age keeps me going. I went on to ask Francisco if the American food is any different from his home town. "You know, the food here is much different, but I cannot enjoy it as much as the coach keeps me on a strict diet, and the people here, they help me with that too, sometimes when I want one of your hamburgers and I go to a restaurant, the people here tell me I'm not allowed in, they know I'm not allowed to eat it, and they just want what's best for me, I"m so blessed to be here."

Francisco just got finished a 28 game hitting streak, and is adapting well to his new club, but there is still a lot to learn, when asked if he had gotten any help from any veterans, he was very respectful of them. "You know they have taught me so much, and they want to help so bad, just the other day I met a man, Mr. Bonds his name was, and he gave me these pills, he told me that it would help me to hit the ball far, and if I wanted to be a legend in the sport I should take them. You know he was so nice and how you say selfless, I kept saying thank you Mr. Bonds, thank you, but he yelled at me and told me that if anyone asked where I got them to say it was Roger Clemens." Francisco knows he has a long road to go to make it to the Royals, but he dreams of his family watching him play in the big leagues, he is young, he knows there are many ups and downs ahead, but when he struggles he just remembers the word that the mystical dolphin told him on that fateful day, just when he thought he couldn't swim any more, the dolphin came up next to him, looked him in the eye and said ARRIBA, which of course as the great Bobby Heenan translated, means......swim faster the border guards are coming.

Weather you like it or not

I've often heard it said that Newfoundland is God's country; however, these past few days someone must have upset him pretty bad cause he has not been liking us too much. First he unleashes a swarm of locusts on the city of St. Johns in the Canadian music industry, I mean K'naan, seriously, Canadian rap music begins and ends with Maestro Fresh Wes, there's no room for anyone else. Secondly, and what I really want to talk about is this weather we've been having, after teasing us with Mr. golden sun for most of March, Mother Nature has done something that not even the diabolical Mr. Burns could do, and block out the sun. Now I would never hurt a woman(except that one time I made my friend and co-worker bleed with a can of whip cream but she sabotaged my tea so she knew what the consequences would be) but these past few days have made me want to march up to Mother Nature and punch her right in the baby-maker.

Ever since Friday(maybe longer, all days are the same for me) we have had a mix of rain, fog, more rain, possible volcanic ash(ashed rain?) thicker fog, and for a brief time today snow. We've had so much rain these past couple of days that I have started working on an ark, progress is slow so far but I'm eating as many Popsicles as I can in order to get all the wood I need, work has been delayed several times by both procrastination and severe ice cream headaches. I've recruited some good help in the ark building process but if anyone else would like to help when we take off I will have two of every dessert on board. As the line in the movie The Crow goes "It can't rain all the time" and this is true, every now and then it turns into a dense layer of fog, although yesterday was 4/20 so maybe it wasn't fog at all, I was awful hungry after being outside for a few minutes. All this fog reminds me of that movie, you know the one with the bad twist at the end, you know that one.......The Village, they both make me upset, and I don't really want to see either again.

But wait, we didn't just get rain or fog, apparently we may have gotten some of Iceland's volcanic as as well. Wasn't it bad enough that you turned Europe into your own personal ash tray? now you have to force us to second hand smoke the equivalent of fifty packs a day(that number is based on estimations purely in my head). Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't there a ban on public smoking, in this province anyway, I think we should levy a fine on this Icelandic Volcano, I'd like to see it go against Danny Williams, wouldn't even be a fair fight, I mean one is an ever erupting mass of hot air, which spews venom towards whatever is against it, and the other is just a stupid hill that spits out molten lava every few decades or so.

At least the rain let up a little today, just enough to give us some snow, do you know what I don't need to see in April, snow. Though I can't really complain about this winter cause we had less snow then usual, and even today the snow only lasted for a few minutes, but winter is over, snow you had your chance to shine, you didn't live up to expectations, so limp out of the way and let the sun have his chance to shine. While I'm on the topic of snow, I find it funny that despite all this rain we are having, there are still some snowbanks left. What are you trying to prove snowbanks, all your friends are gone, go with them, nobody wants to see you anymore, I mean look at you, all dirty, covered in filth, the city has homeless people for that, we don't need you anymore. Sure you were fun once, to climb, and hide behind as I threw snowballs at unsuspecting kids but it's time you moved on.

Recently I discovered this fad called jogging(could be a silent J), apparently you just run, for an extended period of time, and I have set a goal for myself that as part of the weight loss I would jog around the lake by the end of the summer. Well folks if this rain doesn't stop I could reach this goal without even leaving my driveway, it's starting to look like New Orleans post Katrina out there, soaking wet, and Bush wants nothing to do with us. So until the weather clears up I will sit indoors and wait it out, and when I hear the weatherman say sun is coming, I will be as happy about a forecast as when Ricky Martin first found out it was going to be raining men.

Thats news to me

Well overall life is pretty boring these days, I get up, I go to work, I come home, rather, rinse, repeat. Well Thursday was pretty good, morning started off the way mornings should, by running around in the woods shooting people with paint. Paintball is a great sport, it was created for people with a lack of compassion, mercy, and remorselessness such as myself. It got off to a rocky start, as we had a sudden spurt of snow and our balls started to freeze(teeheheheee) which jammed up the guns of some of the guys. As paintball came and went, and plans for more paintball arose, I went back to the mediocrity that is my life, and I decided to see what was going on in the rest of the world. As usual the world continues to be filled with crazy events, and without further ado lets look at some of things going on that are news to me.

It appears that a volcano in Iceland has turned Great Britain and other parts of Europe into the equivalent of a smokey bingo hall, hmmmm wait that reference doesn't fit anymore due to smoking laws, let's tray again. Let's just say that Europe now looks like some of my co-workers cars after a shift. I can honestly say that I don't know much about Iceland, the only thing I know for sure is that I used to hate that level in Super Mario 3, honestly how the hell can you jump off a slippery surface, still beat the game though, take that Bowser. I find it weird and fascinating that a place named Iceland has a volcano, would kinda be like if there was a place named Lava Land that had a skating rink, okay it's nothing like that, or a place in the distant future named WaterWorld that people actually wanted to see. Because of the huge ash clouds, many flights in Europe have been grounded for days, which would have been helpful to the people of Poland if it had to happen a couple of weeks ago, and has also caused Iceland to change it's national slogan to Iceland: If you don't like us you can kiss our ash.

In a story that shows how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, police in Wilkinsburg Pennsylvania say that an eight year old boy distributed heroin to his third grade classmates. I remember being in third grade and being scolded for having junk food, how times have changed. Police said empty bags were found in the trash, but there was no evidence the drugs were used, although when asked about it the students responded by staring at the ceiling and saying that the officers skin was sooooo soft. Can you imagine the stones on the guy that is giving the heroin to the kid to pass out, I mean I know a lot of drug dealers try to hook kids early but why go for the Backyardigans demographic. When I was in third grade the only thing I overdosed on were fun dips, Mom and Dad thought it was cute until I started selling our appliances to get more, thankfully they found help for me and I am still fully recovered.......hmmmm how much can I get for my dvd player i wonder?

On the local front, Canada's version of the Grammy's, the Juno's, are about to start any minute here in St. John's. I haven't kept up on Canadian music very much in these past years but I assume Bryan Adams is still in the running for entertainer of the year, and that Glass Tiger is a shoe in for Group of the Year. The weather has not co-operated much this weekend as a lot of performers were stranded in Halifax by our own personal ash cloud, or as we call it...fog. Fortunately for organizers I believe every one made it, and festivities are going on as planned, for no matter what, nothing takes away a Newfoundlander's ability to party. I hear April Wine is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, good for them, rumors that it was supposed be Rita McNeil's year but there just wasn't enough room for her are unsubstantiated. The big selling point of the Juno's at my work seems to be the arrival of young Justin Bieber, and it's kinda weird to hear them say how hot he is, the kid is like twelve, and yet I make one comment about Miley Cyrus and chloroform and I'm the creepy one, go figure. I can't make predictions cause I don't know who's up for anything but if I had to make one I guess that somebody buys alcohol and the show gets shut down cause Justin Bieber is a minor, causing his popularity to plummet like a Polish president.

Well that's some of the stuff I read this week, again the world is a crazy place, oh and Larry King got divorced again, who the hell keeps marrying this guy, or should I ask how the hell is this guy alive, he's like two hundred years old, I believe he's actually held together by those suspenders, and the weird thing is I bet he gets married again, I can't get a date at an all girls school and Larry freakin King gets married seven times, the world I growed up in is gone.

And that's news to me

What the Duck?

Anyone remember the episode of Seinfeld where George repeatedly runs into trouble with pigeons and repeatedly states they had a deal with those pigeons? The deal was basically that they stay out of our way and we stay out of theirs, such as them not flying directly in front of cars, causing drivers to swerve, and in the case of George to injure a nearby squirrel. Until this morning I thought this deal applied to ducks as well, but then something happened, something that has turned my world upside down, and has thrown this deal out the window. I woke up early this morning to the sun shining brightly, and I had promised myself last night that if this was the cause I was gonna take advantage, get up early and walk around he lake, and in a rare cause of follow through on my part that's exactly what I did.

So with the ipod fired up and and after the apologies to my legs for having to be used so much at this early hour I set off. I left the apartment and about a half hour later I was at the lake, I was having an enjoyable walk, my head down as usual, music blasting so as I didn't have to hear the inane chatter of others when all of it sudden it hit me, well it almost hit me, a speeding duck, undaunted I continued on, when out of nowhere a second one of these seemingly ninja ducks came flying at me, just missing me and heading into the lake. As mentioned earlier, doesn't the deal apply to ducks as well? I've always been respectful of the duck, sitting majestically by the pond or on the water, always considered them a graceful flier, and while I have never donated to Ducks Unlimited I have never turned off their commercials, as I always learned a lot. However what I learned today was just how stealthy and uncaring these creatures are, sure I was in their flight path, but don't pedestrians have the right of way, they could have stopped and waited, I am a fast walker. Apparently these ducks don't feel this way and didn't care much for me walking through their turf, I still honestly don't know where they came from, I swear I did not see.......wait for it........eider of them.

The rest of the walk was peaceful and uneventful, however I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of all the other ducks that I encountered. It's kinda like seeing a person of Arab descent at an airport, ninety-five percent of the time you know they are harmless but then you get a couple who have no problem flying into something and then you don't know which ones to trust. I'm sorry to the rest of the ducks that will have to pay the consequences for the actions of these two particular ducks, but much like George Costanza said at the end of that Seinfeld episode, from now on we have no deal. So ducks if it's a war you want, much like you I'm down, and you will rue the day you ever almost flew into me.................go ahead start ruing.

So bring your ninja ducks, bring your kamikaze ducks, your ugly ducklings, hell you can even bring those pigeons who sit in with your group attempting to be ducks, I will take on them all. While I thought this day would never come I have prepared for it, my brothers and I played Duck Hunt on Nintendo for hours, and I've also got a combination that you should be most scared of, an itchy trigger finger and a love for roast duck(okay I've never had roast duck, that was just for mind games but I assume it's delicious). I will tear through you all like an enraaaaaaaged mooooooose until I get to your leader, Emilio Estevez, I've seen the movies, I know he controls the ducks, I just have to find him, I know WHERE he is, but it's hard to find obscurity on a map. You wanna sneak up on me, it's gonna be you who will be caught with your pants down(all except Donald and how did he never get arrested for indecent exposure), you don't wanna mess with me for I am truly one bad mother ducker. I may not come back from this battle, or I may have a lot more pillows, but I can use all the help I can get, so readers, who's with me?

Send out the clowns

In my opinion one of he deadliest combinations in the world is a group of people with an opinion and too much time on their hands. Recently it appears that a group of pitchfork wielding plebians have come together to denounce iconic McDonald's pitchman Ronald McDonald. The group, known as Retire Ronald, says that Ronald is a main reason for childhood obesity, as apparently besides his historic commercials, he often snuck into houses, tied up the parents, and crammed his delicious burgers down the throats of kids. Could this be a bad sign for Ronald? I mean the last time the American people felt this way about a clown, George Bush's opinion poll ratings went into the toilet. It hasn't gotten that bad for the iconic clown yet though, as around sixty-five percent of all Americans say they still have a favorable view of him, George Bush could have found Bin Laden by himself and paraded him through New York and still wouldn't have gotten that rating.

Despite the favorable rating, there are still around fifty-two percent of Americans who believe that cartoonish spokespeople should not be used, meanwhile Vince Schlomi, the Shamwow guy is still allowed on television. The founder of the campaign behind Retire Ronald, Stacy Folsom, said in a statement that "No corporation has done more to hook kids on unhealthy food, influencing brand loyalties and eating habits that can last a lifetime." Apparently this woman has been busy all her life and has never seen a cereal commercial , or that there is an outside world, a world where kids can run and play, work off the food that this devilish clown pumps out into the world. This woman and her group truly has her work cut out for her, because if she succeeds, McDonald's restaurants are everywhere, it's been inside of more people then Tiger Woods, so you can take the clown from the restaurant, but you can't take the food from the people, until about ten minutes or so after you eat it.

Hey, I'm not saying the clown is perfect, sure he tempts us with delicious food and and so much grease, but think of all the good he's done. As the article states he is the spokesperson behind Ronald McDonald house, a worthy charity, he is the face of awareness for literacy and physical education, and hey in most every commercial he often fended off the threats of the nefarious Hamburgler (okay I added the last one). I tried to get a word from the legendary clown but all I got was a grimace, and who the hell can understand what that big purple simpleton is saying. Obviously there are no plans to take Ronald McDonald out behind the shed and shoot him, as replacing him would no doubt cost millions, and besides I'm sure he has some powerful friends, Mayor McCheese anyone.

Personally I think this campaign to oust Ronald stems from the irrational fear of clowns that most people have. It's either that or a conspiracy started by none other then the sinister Burger King, you people think clowns are creepy, believe me, Stephen King's It could have been about the Burger King and it still would have been just as creepy. Back to the fear of clowns for a second, to all those people who are afraid, picture this, what if Ronald McDonald is in fact evil, what if he has a vindictive side, for if he does all the people who call for him to be put out to pasture should watch their backs.

Don't sleep.....................or the clown will eat you.

How I think Lost will end

Hi again everyone, hope everybody is having a Good Friday, since everyone was eating fish today work was not that busy, I guess everyone came in last night because Holy Thursday Batman was it ever busy. Anywho, now that the Easter related puns are out of the way we are soon approaching a sad time in television as not just one, but two of my favorite shows are coming to an end. Last week it was confirmed that this is the last season of 24, as Jack Baur has now killed everyone and there is no one left, also something all fans knew, was that this is the last season of Lost, and with only six or so episodes left, there is rampant speculation over how the show will end. Everyone has theories, everyone has opinions, and everyone has opinions on the theories, for the most part I've kept quiet, just enjoying the ride of the last season, but with the end near here are some theories on how I think they will end the show.

Everyone knows there is a big battle coming, the teams have already been decided, but I don't think it's as simple as two teams fighting. No one really knows for certain what Charles Widmore is up to but I think I have an idea. We have Jacob, the man in white, we have Smokey, the man in Black, so I think Widmore will show his true colors, in one of the final scenes he will come out with a random unexplained monkey, and be dressed in yellow. It will be discovered that the monkey is actually Curious George(and if he expects any answers to his questions he better remember that this is Lost, and that's not happening) setting up an epic battle between Jacob, the Man in Black, and the Man in the Yellow Hat. The show will end with all three fighting, and then do the famous Lost swoosh with no decisive winner, to see how the show ends all Lost fans who haven't committed suicide or tried to murder the writers will have to wait for the new Curious George book, Curious George gets Lost, to hit bookshelves later this year.

Perhaps this idea is a little out there and the writers chose to go in a different direction, perhaps they take the sad route and the Losties discover that there is no way for them to get home, and they are stuck there forever. With fear of never being rescued(again anyway) setting in Hurley snaps and starts to eat them all, he starts with Jin, but since it's Asian food he's only hungry again in a half an hour anyway. Flash ahead a little bit as we see Hurley sitting on the beach gnawing on one of Jack's legs, when all of a sudden he sees a mysterious ship. In the last scene we see Hurley heading home, patting his stomach saying "Well at least i got to take all you guys with me" then his stomach rumbles and he runs to the bathroom saying *well I guess not all of you." On a serious note, a most likely stupid theory I hold out for is that they go the sixth sense route, I mean we know Hurley can talk to dead people so what if all the original group died and Hurley survived and he's the only one who can see them, there's no way this is gonna happen of course, cause I've seen the people who comment about Lost on the internet, it would cause more of a riot then when all those cops where trying to get those ants of Rodney King.

The final and most logical theory I have of how Lost will end...............with the credits of course. I, like all of the Lost fans am on the edge of my seat wondering how the writers will tie all this together, they've never disappointed me with a season finale before so I am confident I will enjoy the ending, unless they use Journey's Don't Stop Believin for the final scene and the screen goes blank before the big reveal, others might think your a genius David Chase, but I needed closure on the Sopranos anecdote. You left me to make up my own conclusion, do you have any idea what I'm capable of coming up with, I was months thinking Tony Soprano got killed in a epic battle with Grimace from the Mcdonalds commercial and some random mime, please Lost writers don't make me think this happens to Jack.