Hot dog we have a wiener

Well it's official, the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Everyday we see reports of earthquakes, devastation, murder, assault, and now perhaps the worst of them all, wiener theft. I know what your probably thinking, and no Lorena Bobbitt is not on the loose again, but it's the story of two men charged with break and enter in Peterborough, Ont. As the story goes, two young men broke into an apartment, and by broke in I mean walked through an unlocked door, stealing an estimated (and whopping) 304 dollars worth of items, including the holy grail of all stolen items, a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs. Other items included a Playstation 3, some video games, and a can of blueberry juice, cause if your in the business of stealing hot dogs, then be smart enough to steal something to wash it down with, that's just common sense.

I feel bad for the victim, imagine him or her just coming home from a day at work, and thinking to themselves "hey, I think I'll play a video game, let's pop in God of war..........hey all my games are gone, that's weird. That's okay I still have a game in my Ps3 I'll just play that one.....wait a minute my Ps3 is gone, oh man, and someone's been sleeping in my bed." Okay so that last part was from Goldilocks and the three bears but you get the idea. What would possible compel these two utes (Joe Pesci represent) to steal a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs? I mean has anybody tasted those things? all the stolen cans of blueberry juice in the world can't wash the taste of that horrid food out of your mouth. Truly when these young men go to trial, the judge will not need to hand down a sentence for the taste of those things alone will be punishment enough.

If I could be Frank for a minute (actually I can be Frank all the time) when I saw this story I said to myself "self, I relish the chance to write about this". Its an intriguing crime story about two petty criminals who couldn't cut the mustard in major crimes, so they started small, hoping the police couldn't ketchup to them. These two brats are the wurst kind of people, because they start so small and petty, starting with apartments, then moving up to mayo clinics, then start putting their buns on the line, and into major break and entries. So if your reading this, go check your freezer now, don't be left in the cold, for the supper that you thought was there may be in the hands of evil doers, people who no concern for the appetites of others, I mean the polite thing to do would have been to keep the hot dogs, and steal two hot dog buns, so there is finally a good hot dog bun to hot dog ratio.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, poverty, The Jersey Shore, the world is full of terrible things, it's bad enough we live in a world that would allow the atrocity of chicken wieners, do we really have to steal them from one another?

This just in: Radio contest crumbles Newfoundland's economy

Unless you have been living under a K-rock lately you have probably heard about the new contest from classic rock station K-rock in which they have released a five dollar bill into the city. What's so special about this five dollar bill you ask, well if you have the matching serial number, in which a different character is announced on the air each day, you win a car. This is certainly a unique contest, and the brass at K-rock were probably betting on participation being high, but thus far the contest as had results they couldn't have dreamed of, as people throughout the city are now terrified of spending five dollar bills, sending our economy into a tailspin. Not since someone caught the last codfish in the nineties has there been such worry about the economy, all the years of struggle to find oil, all the fight to make us a have province, wiped out in the single announcement of the first serial number character.

Throughout the city businesses and employees alike are all feeling the pinch, with many stores struggling to keep five dollar bills and to keep their registers balanced, forcing them to be bailed out more then the old canoe I built when I was seven, that had more holes in it then a Charlie Sheen police statement. Since the announcement of the Find the Five contest line-ups at Tim Horton's have also been affected, while they always long, now more people are using debit, causing an increase in passive aggressive complaining and small scale riots in some locations. Since no one cares about our new boring as Melba toast premier reporters sought the opinion of former premier Danny Williams, as always he was passionate, he yelled, and that was just when he was asked how his retirement was going.

The people most affected by the Find the Five contest were the girls who work the local St. John's strip clubs. In order to find out just how much this contest has ruined their lives I did extensive research, I researched for hours(purely for science) and some of the results were startling. When asked how this contest affected them one girl showed me a number of circular welts and bruises, when I asked what caused all of them she responded by simply saying "toonies". Yes it appears that men who visited the club were so reluctant to part with five dollar bills that they just started hurling toonies at the girls on stage. The girl added this plea "please don't throw loonies or toonies at us, those coins hurt, I mean sure my dad used to do the same thing, but he used to heat them up before he threw them, so he could show me how much he loved me." The girl added terrifying examples of some the other stripper injuries that have occurred, such as girls being struck in the eye, or in one case being pelted so much that a girl fell off stage sending her into labor prematurely.

City officials have begun taking the appropriate measures, sending the price of gas through the roof, in an attempt to make sure no one has any five dollar bills left anyway. Luckily I don't have a car, and the price of sneakers is holding steady so I'm fortunate there. I'm also fortunate that I make my own five dollar bills so I have an endless supply, it should take a few days to get all the numbers revealed so I will sit and play the waiting game, even if it sucks and I'd rather play hungry hungry hippos. I think it would be funny if the five dollar bill ends up on the mainland or somewhere remote where they barely speak English like Labrador. God help us if it winds up in Quebec because we all know how long it took to get Churchill Falls back, we'd never see the five dollars again. So to the person who wins the car, congratulations in advance on being such a tightwad, and I hope you enjoy your car when your driving past all the abandoned stores.

P.S. I typed this whole post on my blackberry while in line at Tim Horton's, and I'm not even out of the porch yet, thanks K-rock.

Now I've Sheen everything

Unless you have been living under a rock lately, you may have noticed that Charlie Sheen has gone off the deep end, or wanted people to think he's gone off the deep end, and people are falling for it hooker, line(of coke), and sinker. There is a Puff Daddy song, one of the ones that isn't sad about Notorious B.I.G. dying(although he was in the song so I guess he was still sad) that says the more money we got, the more problems we see, and these past few years we have seen a lot of this in Hollywood. Before Lindsay Lohan discovered she enjoyed stealing things(allegedly) she was a pretty good actress(allegedly) until someone at a party whispered "hey, try this" and handed her some drugs, and she decided if she liked one drug, she must like them all. Then there is Mel Gibson, one of the biggest movie stars of the eighties and nineties, he made so much money that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life, and like most people when they are bored he decided to take it out on the Jewish people and African Americans, also taking the time to go all cold war on his Russian ex-wife.

Now it's Charlie Sheen's turn, and boy is he making the most of it. When he is not seen in the company of black eyed hookers, he can often be seen gracing any number of television "entertainment" news show or gossip show. It is getting repetitive at this point, he likes to party, he likes drugs, he likes to use porn stars as pinatas when he's on drugs, what about the more serious stuff like killing his half brother Emilio Estevez, I mean it's been years since we've seen him, how else do you explain it? I mean sure, everyone is listening, anticipating the next whimsical thing he's gonna say, the internet abuzz over what will be the next meme created by something he says. It's not an accomplishment to become a big star on the internet, Justin Bieber did it by having a lousy haircut, hell Chuck Norris became popular again because of the internet and he didn't do anything......well besides roundhouse kick a computer and create the whole internet.

For once I want to see a somewhat normal celebrity go bonkers, someone no one would expect. How about George Clooney, why can't he go on a bender, rant about how he actually hates the Haitians and wished that earthquake had wiped them out while having a couple of them stowed away in is trunk. How about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, what if something snapped in them and they adopted a white baby, or what about Joaquin Phoenix....wait a minute my roommate Jeff is trying to tell me something........what's that.........Letterman..............sat there...........big beard...........rap career.........ummm never mind, scratch that last example. Really what is Charlie Sheen gaining by all this press, sure he might have gained some fans, and some supporters but he's lost Two and half men, four and a half kids and lord knows how many friends and family because of his actions(RIP Emilio). People can say he's bi-polar, Sheen can say he's bi-winning, but I just wish everyone would just say bi to it all because frankly I've Sheen enough.

So if your reading this Charlie Sheen, I hope you do get well, and find peace, you had Major League talent once, one of the true Young Guns of Hollywood, but lately it must seem that things are hitting a Wall Street. I know it must seem like your career is heading for an Apocalypse Now, but you have the money to hire a Platoon of people to help you, at your say so there could be Men At Work helping you on the path to recovery. I don't know what you have to treat your life like a Scary Movie 4, just sit back, relax, grab a Three Musketeers, and focus on becoming one of the Hot Shots on television again, or instead of a happy ending your career could be facing a Red Dawn.

It always feels like somebody's watching me

Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? has it ever felt like someone was snipping a piece of your hair while you weren't looking? If you live in eastern Canada you probably have, and according to Statistics Canada your not alone, if you think someone is watching you, your probably right. In a news article I read today it was reported by StatsCan that stalking is actually most common in the eastern part of the country, making up most of the 20,000 stalking reports in Canada last year. I chalk this up to our friendly nature, we just want to make sure that other people get home safely, and shower safely, and wear that nice perfume she wears when she goes to sleep......er I mean she sleeps safely.

Topping the list of most reported cases of criminal harassment is Prince Edward Island, which doesn't surprise me. I mean really, Prince Edward Island, you could walk across that province in like a day, so how can you not help but stalk somebody. What constitutes a stalker in PEI, a regular customer at Tim Horton's, how would that sound to the police? "He just comes in everyday, orders the same double double, how can he have the same thing everyday, can't you do anything officer?" And really what could be done to potential stalkers in PEI? file a restraining order, it could only be something like ten feet, any more then that they would be in Nova Scotia. Despite the bad press that could come out such a report, PEI has beat critics to the punch and embraced this news, with plans to change their tourism slogan from The Gentle Island to something more fitting, a few possibilities include:

-Prince Edward Island, more then our potatoes have eyes for you

-Prince Edward Island, hey where you going, how come you never called back, YOU CAN'T
RUN FOREVER

Prince Edward Island, we want to rape your face

Coming in last with the lowest number of stalking cases was Manitoba, apparently they are too busy killing each other outright to at least watch the person for a few days. It speaks to the patient, laid back nature of eastern Canadians that we don't get all stabby right away, not like the impulsiveness of those Western Canadians, when they want to behead a guy on the bus, they're going to do it, they don't care how many people are around. It's not surprising to me that Manitoba came in lowest, because do you know what they are also lowest in? trees, where could a wannabe Manitoban possibly hide, I mean there are more trees in Charlie Sheen's dresser drawer(though he calls them Charlie Sheen) then the whole province, so one would like kind of weird huddled behind a fire hydrant.

I have to say I'm disappointed in my fellow Newfoundlanders, I didn't even see us on the list, are we really gonna let ourselves lose to Prince Edward Island, we can do better then that as a province. So c'mon Newfoundland, get up off the couch, is there someone you fancy, let them know, send them cards saying you want to wear their skin as a hat. Do you often find yourself saying you can't stop staring at a person.....don't, keep staring, just make sure it's at a safe distance because if you do a good enough job it will be anyway. Make chloroform be your friend,what smells foul to some may smell like win to you. Take that guy who abducted the girl in town yesterday, he wouldn't take no for an answer, he just took the person saying no, where he went wrong was driving the girl to Long Harbor, I'd rather spend a day as Lindsay Lohan's parole officer then go to Long Harbor so you can't blame the girl for doing whatever she could to escape.

I kid of course, I don't condone stalking, personally it's way too much work, and I'm far too lazy to do it, and so if your like me, and do not have the time or energy it takes to show a person how you feel about them head this advice.........telescopes are for more then just star gazing.

Pipe Dreams: Overcoming my Mario Bros fueled rage

To start off today I would like to give you a history lesson, the year was 1945, the Second World war was in full swing, everything was in black and white, and people wore onions on their belts, as was the style at the time. After Japan pearl harbored American forces at.....um....Pearl Harbour the Americans decided they were tired of the Japanese and their rice growing ways and dropped an atom bomb(not the wrestler) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing millions and creating Godzilla. These events changed Japan forever, but what you might not know is that not only are the Japanese an efficient, industrious people, but they are also very patient, content to lie in wait for a chance at revenge. That revenge came in the 1980's when they unleashed the Nintendo home entertainment system, and with it, the beloved Italian plumber Mario.

Since Canada is the America of the north, we too were introduced to the Nintendo craze, and Mario was now part of our lives. I loved Mario as a kid, sure he had a terrible mushroom addiction, and half the monsters he fought probably weren't real, but all he wanted to do was save the girl, the beautiful princess, a girl who through the years has been kidnapped so many times I'm pretty sure she is the basis for the Kim Baur character on 24. The newest installment of Mario for Wii is no different, once again the princess is kidnapped by Bowser and his Koopa minions. It starts harmless enough, it is the Princess Peach's birthday and the plumber brothers throw her a party, when all of a sudden a hideous beast comes and nabs the princess. After some confusion Jeff explains that it wasn't actually Rosie O'Donnell but one of the Koopa's that took her, and then the demoralization process begins.

There is nothing like dying in the game and hearing Mario condescendingly chirp that you were almost there, or lose the card flip game and seeing the "oh you didn't even get one" screen. Then there is the sheer amount of things you have to face in one level, I remember the old games where after a couple of goombas and turtles you were home free, but in this game they keep you busier then Charlie Sheen's publicist. You spend so much time dodging and weaving you have only split seconds to make a perfect jump, and if you don't hit it right you disappear from the screen faster then Two and Half Men. If all that doesn't weaken your soul there's the little box that appears in the level if you've died too many times, asking if you want your brother Luigi to guide you through the level, if I wanted to watch someone's mentally challenged brother solve something I'd watch Rainman, or a movie that features any Baldwin but Alec.

If my dad's shoddy hereditary hair gene didn't beat it to it, this is the thing that would have made me lose my hair, I think at one point I actually grew hair back just so I could rip it out. You struggle tooth and nail through all the worlds and you finally get to Bowser, you think you beat him, then he just gets super big, blasting big balls of hot air and destroying everything in his path like Joan Rivers on the red carpet, and for what? for the Princess to say thanks, and give you a kiss on the cheek, all that work just to get to first base? hell in real life I score less then the Pittsburgh Pirates and I don't have to die umpteen times to do it.

If this blog feels disjointed and all over the place, first I say where have you been the other 93 posts and secondly it's because there's no emoticon for how I am feeling towards this game. I'm glad I didn't buy the game and it was loaned to me(by someone I thought I was my friend) for if I had bought it I might have had to go all Office Space on it or maybe put it in the freezer where it couldn't hurt me anymore.

So to the people of Japan, I know it might be too late, and it may not mean much coming from one person, but if it means no more evil Mario games, then I'm sorry. I for one enjoy your wacky game shows, your unintentional funny names (Delong Wang) and the fact that you think your good at any sports besides math. Many years after the blast, you have a radiant culture with a glowing sense of pride, there is no need to fight, you had a blast in the past and I know we could have a blast in the future. You always say Wii would like to play, well Iii wish you wouldn't make it so difficult.