Oh for the love of God

*may not be picture of actual pope*

                                                



   Today marked a historic day as the world has seen the election of a new pope.  The Cardinals(who choked in playoffs last year but get to decide a pope, go figure) came to a decision rather quickly, probably because they were locked in a room for days and one or more most likely had to use the bathroom.  After the pomp and circumstance that goes with the naming of a new pope, the world was introduced to Jorge Boogaloo who apparently is the cardinal of funk..........wait............what's that........not Boogaloo........can't even dance.......well this is embarrassing my sources are telling me that his actual name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina.  Bergoglio is not only the first pope from the Americas, but he is also the first Jesuit pope, his people's legendary frugalness obviously and enticing factor for the Vatican to save money.  I imagine the new pontiff calling home to his stereotypical Jewish mother and instead of getting congratulations getting a condescending "How come you never call me anymore? Oh sure the big man, Mr. Pope, has no time for the woman who gave him life, Oi."

  In today's social media filled world, it is rare that news about such a big event doesn't slip out. I mean you can go on Facebook and see who is doing laundry and when but nobody, not even Tom Hanks, was able to get behind the walls and figure out who had the advantage.  The only way people could get updates was from the type of smoke that was coming from the conclave chimney. Now watching Lost has taught me that when a group of people in a tight location see black smoke, there is trouble coming and someone may not make it out alive. I can't help but wonder how intense these conclave elections get, I know that each cardinal drops a vote in to a big vat, but what if it is in fact the eliminated cardinals that are dropped in to the vats, hey the smoke has to come from somewhere and what better way to show that the Vatican means business then using the losers as firewood.

  There were a few main candidates being tossed around for consideration, and maybe literally, if the election got physical. One candidate was from Canada, Quebec if memory serves me correct, I hear he lost interest in the position when he was told he couldn't substitute Labatt's for holy water.  Another top contender was from Africa, and would have been the first elected pope of color, his strong love of Jesus rivaled by his strong love of fried chicken, he did not win any fans when he showed up with a blinged out crucifix, and diamond encrusted pimp stick.  Finally, another strong candidate was from America, I wanna say Boston, but honestly I am too lazy, though can you imagine a pope from Boston, "This is gonna be a wicked pahdy, let's get tanked..........Yankees suck."

  As I was saying before, it is rare in this modern work a day world where on old ritual still stands up at its basic core, and the process of picking a new pope has barely changed. One couldn't help but wonder if the Vatican changed with the times and went more modern, creating a reality game show as a way to choose a new pope. If it ever happened that I would be the one in charge of picking a new pope, that is what I would do, make a game of it, and here are a few of my ideas:

- The Amazing Grace: in which two cardinals race all over the world, first team who gets to the Vatican wins, then fight to the death, winner gets pope.

- So you think you can pope? Cardinals filled with love of Jesus and soul bust out dance moves in an attempt to impress the judges.

- Cardinal's got talent: cardinal's show off their unique talents to a panel of judges, which includes Howard Stern for some reason.

- Big Father: all the papal candidates are locked in a house surrounded by cameras, backstabbing and plotting commence until the last cardinal remaining is elected pope.

   In closing, I would like to congratulate the new pope, and give him props on taking the name Francis, cause now his name is like my name.  Being the leader of the Catholic church is certainly not easy, and he has a lot of questions to answer, can he restore trust in the church? Can he relate to a younger more modern group of people? Does he in fact poop in the woods? Only time will tell and for all he roadblocks he must face, he must remember one thing, he has an awesome hat now.