The war on bugs

I have never been one to forecast doom or overreact to things, but I fear the apocalypse is upon us. First sign is the string of tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes that have hit North America and the world in recent years, I mean take this weekend, the only thing that blows harder then the wind in the United States right now is their economy. Secondly, we lost Trustache, yet nothing has happened to Stephen Harper, here's hoping he at least gets a hangnail or something. Thirdly, God has decided to move to the next stage of the apocalypse by sending a horde of locusts upon our province, only I guess he had no locusts left so he unleashed the only thing he could find.........daddy long legs. For those of you who haven't seen a daddy longs legs, they are like mosquitoes on steroids, and if the hundreds that reside in my backyard are any indication, they have no problem with getting in your face.

Well I say enough is enough and it's time for some change, as my roommate Jeff, our two dogs, and I have decided it's time to fight back. We are declaring beehad on every pest that we see in our back yard, that goes for every daddy long legs, spider, moth, mosquito, or neighbor that crosses our path. When I say beehad I mean it, I will post videos on the internet of me holding a magnifying glass over a daddy long legs if it will show the insolent bugs that I mean business. Now despite my appearance I am no fool, I know the bugs are smart, and I know they will adapt. I needed to study up on my enemy, I watched everything I could, the discovery channel, National Geographic, the National Spelling Bee, Seinfeld..........okay that had nothing to do with bugs but it was the Soup Nazi episode. I now feel I am prepared to take on all intruders, I have seen A Bug's Life, and now I will see a bug's life taken.

I don't know when or how this war started, for years the bugs, Jeff and I have co-existed well enough, we avoided each other mostly, sure there were some bites and some kills but other then that things went swimmingly. Then when I got Bear and Jeff got Mika and we started delving deeper into the back yard all of a sudden the daddy longs swarmed on mass. Also, I'm not sure what made the moths so vicious this year, but on a nightly basis we were getting attacked by moths not unlike Mothra in their size and ferocity. We have since gone dark(meaning we turned the porch light off) and ever since they have not been able to find us, but I know they are up there somewhere, watching.......waiting.

I don't know when this war will end(actually I do, stupid weak bugs and their inability to handle cold) all I know is I'm tired to scratching like a heroin addict, and Bear is getting really sick of the camouflage paint I put on him . Blood has been spilled on both sides, the bugs bite harder then that Vampires Suck movie, and I smack harder then Ike Turner, and I shall not rests until I eliminate all the pests.

Dream Cleaver

Last night I had that dream again, it always starts the same, I wake up not in my bed but on a cold plastic surface, bound by string. I struggle but it does me no good for if anybody that has used this string knows it is impenetrable, if somebody has you tied up in it, they don't want you to get free. I'm disoriented at first, can't get my bearings, everything looks familiar yet different, all around me I see cold metallic gray objects, then I hear the same complaint that an oven is not working and it hits me, I'm at work. I think to myself okay it's work, I spend more time here then I do home I can escape this easily, I'll just roll off the line and dodge those giant chickens and slide out the back..........wait what.............giant chickens.

I look up to see a giant chicken approaching me, older then the young chickens we usually serve but still pink enough that the customer will complain, what does he have in his claw I wonder, uh oh, that's a chicken knife, I knew this day would come, my day of reckoning, when these chickens would fly the coup, rise up and avenge the loss of their brethren, there's nothing I can do now. The knife comes closer, I think I hear the chicken laughing, or is it Bogey, maybe he can help, or do they have him too? I'M COMING BOGEY I try to scream but nothing comes out. The knife is even closer now, but he stops, why did he stop? He appears to be angrily clucking at one of the female chickens outside the line. The female chicken keeps tapping a roll on the line, rap tap tapping on the line to show how hard it is, I don't get it as they are chickens I didn't think they would be fussy as to what they ate but I have bigger problems.

My confusion turns again to fear as the large chicken once again yields the blade and lowers it again ever slowly, obviously savoring this moment. I start to sweat, wait that's not sweat, then why is my face getting wet? I awake to find bear over top of me, it's time to go out apparently, phew I was just dreaming, I have dodged another bullet.

It's always the same dream, over and over, physically the chicken cannot do much, but psychologically it can drive a person insane. My thoughts are as disjointed as a person with rickets, sleep is now like a sane Mel Gibson interview, few and far between, but I keep pushing on, fighting the good fight as it were, eliminating every foul creature I can till I reach the big chicken drawer in the sky, if I go in that direction, knowing my luck God is a member of PETA, and is against this raging Foulocaust that occurs every year in our many many convenient locations. Friends and family, and even rapper Nelly have tried to tell me that it's only just a dream, but seriously you try and sleep when you close your eyes and all you see is this: