Ain't Life Punny

I remember a time, back in high school when I got into trouble in geometry class, I was frustrated with the material and I lashed out at the teacher, she sent me to detention for going off on a tangent. I didn't think I was a bad math student, turns out I just couldn't see the sines.

I remember a brief period of time when I wanted to be a police officer, I even went to the police academy, they partnered me up with a guy who had severe epileptic attacks, one day in training we were a bit overzealous and went a bit too far on a routine traffic check, we were kicked out for performing an illegal search and seizure.

I remember one of my first girlfriends, she was a bit intimidating because she was a spy, ultimately the relationship ended because she was always bugging me.

I remember one time I had just gotten out of the shower, and discovered there were no clean towels, scrambling I reached for some paper towel, as I was drying my face somebody started shooting at me. When I asked why he was attacking me, he said it was because there was a Bounty on my head.

I remember one time I wanted to be a doctor, I gave up that dream because I didn't have the patience.

I remember one time I was hanging out with a group of friends, I was eating a bag of chips, and despite the large target I ended up missing my mouth. Suddenly I became even more sarcastic and sharp-tongued, all my friends decided to leave, and when I asked why they told me it was because I had a chip on my shoulder.

I remember when my dad broke his leg and had to use crutches, I love spending time with dad, but it was hard to walk places with him then because they were always holding him up.

If your shaking your head and groaning right now then I've done my job, yes I know, if I were a horse they'd have to put me down, because I'm quite lame.

It's no fun being an illegal alien

I haven't been around much lately, in my time away I've learned a very valuable lesson, hockey players don't like to be antagonized and Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby WILL call the the cops on you if you endlessly call them to gloat about Montreal beating them, geez, what a bunch of sore losers. In reality, not much has been happening in my world these days, the other day I went to the mall and saw The Losers, and seeing all those people in the mall gave me an idea to go see the movie of the same name, which was an enjoyable flick for a mindless action movie. Speaking of mindless, Arizona has been in the news lately, at first I thought it was because all the other states had been talked about, and Arizona was the only one left, but then I read what it was about and I was left scratching my head. It appears that in July a law will commence that states that all immigrants will have to have papers saying they are legal citizens, and if they can't prove it, they could be fined or eventually charged with a misdemeanor. It's like Moe the Bartender said "Immigrants, even when it was the bears, I knew it was the immigrants."

The law apparently also gives police the right to try and distinguish the person's race or heritage(I can't remember which, both are equally asinine) on the spot, hmmm I enjoy guessing games, can I play? let's see there Juan, your name is Sanchez is it, I don't think your of American heritage at all, what's that you say? you've got papers? sounds like drug paraphernalia to me, get in the car.....man I could totally be a cop. I don't think there is cause for any immediate concern, I mean I don't think they are gonna ship anyone off, because really they have been trying to get rid of the Coyotes for about two years, and they still play in Phoenix, of course they are all white, now the Suns, the Suns could be in trouble. I can see it now, ladies and gentlemen introducing your Phoenix Suns starting five............at center Steve Nash, at point guard Steve Nash, at small Forward Steve Nash......and well I forget the rest of the positions, I don't watch much basketball, all I really know about it is you shoot the ball at the little hole and if you do it well enough you get your sneaker.

A lot of people seem to be up in arms over the whole law, the general manager of the Yankees say they will not send anybody to the All Star Game to be held in Arizona because of the law. They are not just boycotting because of moral reasons, have you seen the Yankees team, half of Cuba has defected to them, they wouldn't be allowed in the state to begin with. I think even Tiger Woods said he would not play any tournaments held in Arizona, you know it's bad when Tiger won't play, cause apparently he can't keep himself out of anything, so to be rejected by Tiger, that's gotta hurt. I can kind of see where the Arizona government is coming from, I mean i have seen District 9, I know it's gotta be hard for people and aliens to co-exist, and V has taught me another thing, these aliens are not to be trusted and their leader is unspeakably hot, I mean not hot enough to make me watch after Lost is over, but that's just cause the writing is shotty at best.

I do also feel kind of bad for the immigrants as well. They only come to America and Canada looking for a better opportunity, to leave a world where all they know is war, okay if your from Iraq it's probably because America is attacking you, but now they find out they are to be subject to a fine if they can't prove they belong there like everyone else. How does that saying go? give me your poor, your tired, and your huddled masses, and then put them single file to fill out the proper paperwork to make sure they can be a legal citizen, man that's a long saying, no wonder they only focus on the first three. I figure some people don't like the fact that people come from other countries and take what little jobs are probably available, and they may be bitter at losing a job to a person of Mexican descent, cause really ya don't have to hate the whole country, it only takes Juan.

I believe I can Fry(A song for Colin)

Hey everyone, recently at work we received news that our beliked Colin would be leaving us to go back to his native planet of Winnipeg. Colin is a good chap so at first I was saddened, then I was hungry, then I was full, then I had to use the bathroom, then I was full of acceptance, he is only trying to better himself, and with no one else willing to take him he had to go back to Winnipeg. When Colin leaves I don't know what I'll do, who I will endlessly pick on, in the words of Dr. Evil, I'll probably move on, get a new fry guy, but there will be a ten minute period where I would be inconsolable. I will have many memories of insulting Colin, from calling him by his given nickname Colon, to the jokes about his freakish mutant height, and even the constant barbs about nailing his imaginary Jewish sister, there were many good times, so I figure I at least owe him a tribute, and in song form, so without further adieu, set to R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly, it's Colin's song I Believe I Can Fry:

I never knew when I had to come on
But when I did, the fries are what I done
I know the fries are what the people love
But I keep hitting my heads off the hoods

If the plate I can see, then I can fry it
For $1.99 extra, I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So tall that I'm the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
I'll sauce these wings and fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

The fryer's on the verge of breaking down
And the hoods are so very loud
When they want a garlic loaf with cheese
You know that's when they always come to me

If the plate I can see it, then I can fry it
for $1.99 extra, then I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings then fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Wait Staff calling out to me, oh

If the plate I can see it, then i can fry it
For $1.99 extra I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings and fry away
Now the Fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Hey, I'll just sauce these wings
I can fry
I can fry, hey
What sauce are these wings?
I can fry
I can fry-eye-eye

Well that's it, sorry there's so much repetition but that's how R. Kelly wrote his song, he didn't have time to waste, there were people to pee on. So Colin, ya big knucklehead, I hope you enjoy it back home, tell your sister I said shalom, and enjoy your new job opening doors for the Adams Family.