The Chicken hero saga 20: Make no bones about it

   The Deboner disappeared as quick as he had appeared, the hero thought it was weird he would just stop in to say hello and not do his usual evil rambling, but he couldn't be concerned about that right now, his nemesis was back, and this time he had to stop him for good. It wasn't really his return that unsettled the hero, most arch nemesis always find a way to return, it was the quiet that followed, as a matter of fact ever since Deboner's return, with the exception of a skirmish in the harvest dining area, that was handled expertly by Anastasia, nothing had happened. The hero tried to work in the harvest as normal, the people needed to be fed, meanwhile wondering what plans the Deboner had in store, if only there was a way he could see into the future.
  That way showed itself a few days later, it was a routine day at the harvest, the skies were darkened and cold, as they had been since the return of the Deboner. The hero was walking through the harvest kitchen to grab his trusty chicken knife when he encountered a mysterious cloaked figure, the figure's incoherent mumbling could not be understood but with skeletal looking fingers they waved the hero over to the large cauldron in which he stood in front of. This was the same cauldron the hero had seen every day, it prepared the sauce the townspeople loved, or hated, depending on who you asked. Something was different about the sauce on this day, it was boiling more than usual and as the cloaked figure pointed a bony fingers the bubbles ceased and images could be seen in the sauce. An image of what appeared to be bones marching appeared in the sauce.
  "What does this mean? What I am looking at?"
   The mysterious figure just responded with crazy arm motions and incomprehensible gibberish, the hero spying Joshius the tall asked him who this strange figure was, and how long he had been here
  "Oh that's the new oracle that Lord Whitticus hired"
  "An oracle? Really? We can't get anyone to work in the harvest but he hires an oracle?"
    Joshius just shrugged and walked away, as the oracle once again pointed the raging sauce cauldron, images were flashing in the sauce that really had nothing to do with the Deboner, he wondered what they could mean until words started to appear, he read them out loud
  "You can skip to your vision in five seconds"
   When five counted down the oracle placed his talon like finger in to the sauce and clicked a large X, then what the hero saw shocked him, there in the sauce cauldron was the image of the Deboner, but he was taller, almost as if he was standing over someone, was it the hero he was standing over the hero wondered. The hero was snapped back to reality by the shouting of harvest dining manager Kristeenus who was angry that several townspeople had complained about bones in their feast, namely in several bowls of hearty broth. The hero knew this was no mere coincidence, quickly grabbing his trusy knife and chicken string he ran into the harvest dining room, he was running to warn the serving wenches and the villagers to flee, that it wasn't safe, but what he ran into was an empty harvest dining area, empty that is except for the Deboner, and Kevinus, who was sat on his trusty perch.
  "Kevinus, are you okay? Has he broken your legs? Is that why you cannot flee?"
  "No I'm just on break, why does everyone always think I'm hurt or paralyzed?"
  "ENOUGH OF THIS" screamed the Deboner
  "The time has come for this to end hero, the harvest will be mine, there can only be one of us hero, I will be victorious and you.....you will just be totally boned?"
  Before the hero could sarcastically ask the Deboner how long it took him to come up with that line the Deboner clapped his hands and suddenly from out of nowhere and all around him a horde of creatures appeared, they had no flesh the hero could see, they were all bones. Suddenly Kevinus arose and fled with such speed the hero thought Karenus had asked him to clean the harvest windows. The hero, now left alone, faced incredible odds as the giant horde surrounded him.
  "So let me get this straight, you hate bones, yet your army is made of nothing but bones"
  "You have to appreciate the irony"
  The hero couldn't help but nod, but then charged head long into the horde, his trusty chicken knife thrusting to the left and to the right, up and down, as bones kept piling up more bone soldiers kept coming, he fought valiantly but the odds were not in his favor, he collapsed to his knees, tired and weak, the bone soldiers surrounded him in a circle, it was quiet now, there was no sound except a whirling sound, and then a whoosh and a smash. Suddenly bone soldiers started falling all around him, he looked up to see Anastasia throwing serving wench trays and the giant Brendanus wielding his three holed ball, the hero stood back on his feet and begin to lasso the bone creatures with his trusty chicken string, fighting his way to Anastasia and Brendanus, suddenly more reinforcements came as Joshius the tall crashed through the harvest in his big blue wagon. As the hero stopped to admire the carnage created by his tall friend he was grabbed by more soldiers, their grip was stong and dug deep into his shoulders.
  The hero struggled to fight free but it was too no avail, their hold was too strong. all of a sudden he saw a glowing orb headed his way, he manged to duck and the soldiers were hit and decapitated. after the glow faded he saw standing there Shawnus, not only was he the superior harvest table cleaner, he was known as a proficient weaver, cause all he did was make baskets. the hero thanked Shawnus and they continued to fight there way through to Anastasia, Brendanus, and Joshius the tall. Suddenly in the corner of his eye the hero saw the Deboner, he told Shawnus to go to the others, he had to finish this once and for all, as the Deboner started to flee the chicken hero flung his trusty chicken string and tripped the Deboner, it was just the two of them now.
  "Please hero, you have won, show me mercy?"
  "You have been a thorn in my side for too long Deboner, it's time to end this"
  The hero rose his chiken knife up ready to plunge it into the heart of the Deboner, but then stopped
  "Wait a minute, the real Deboner would never beg me for anything, heis  a lot of things, but he is not one to beg, he would still think he had a shot............you....you're not really the Deboner are you?"
  "Of course I am"
  "Okay then, time to end this" The chicken hero hoisted his knife again and as he started to lower it the Deboner screamed"
  "NO PLEASE WAIT......okay okay I'm not the real Deboner, he's still too weak from your last battle, he paid people to make me look like him, I'm a nobody really"
  "So that would make you a......DeCloner"
  "That was more painful than any stab wound"
  As the local prison wagon took the faux Deboner away the hero was joined by Anastasia, Brendanus, Joshius the tall, and Shawnus, and now Bogeyus man of numbers and literature, who missed everything cause he was smoking his vapor stick in his wagon, he thanked them all for their help as they surveyed the damage that had been caused to the harvest, suddenly Joshius tapped him on the shoulder.
  "I found out who the oracle is"
  "Oh really, who is it?"
  "It is Geraldus"
  "Hmmm that explains why I couldn't understand him, and why there is no plates"
  The hero thanked Joshius again and approached Anastasia, he grabbed her by the hand and asked if she was ready to go home and together look after their docile wolves, she nodded in agreement, he admired her greatly, she saved him on this day, and many days before.  As the group were saying their last goodbyes of the day Lord Whitticus entered the harvest, he stopped and looked around shocked, they all waited for him to comment on the destruction.
  "Look at all this staff on, no wonder there's too much overtime in this harvest!"

The Chicken Hero Saga 19: Tales from the Chicken Heroine

The Chicken Hero, as you may already know, keeps the chicken harvest running smoothly by roasting hens by the thousands and cleaving them apart with the biggest, sharpest knife in the land, all while making the thickest gravies you've ever seen. I, Anastasia, normally work as a relatively mad scientist in the basement of an old convent, but to help supplement the diets of ourselves and our fat, docile wolves, I also frequently attend the harvest as a serving wench. This is where the Chicken Hero and I first met, and where I fell in love with his wily charm, biting wit, and unparalleled bravery in the face of the busiest of harvests. 

While the Chicken Hero and his motley crew of misfit comrades keep the slaughter in check, we the serving wenches hold down the front of house by taming the appetites of the various beasts that enter our establishment. Our clientele range from the sweetest of elves and fairies to the most beastly of gargoyles and banshees. While we prefer to feed the kinder, gentler folk, some of the more aggressive troglodytes make their way to a seat and pound on the table with their first and scream until they are attended to. These types usually leave quite a mess and pay for their chicken in a fistful of exact copper. They don't understand advanced concepts such as time, in contexts like "food needs time to cook," and "if the harvest is full, creatures will have to wait their turn." Serving wenches must keep a smile on their faces at all times in the face of adversity, even when being pelted by the spittle of a pack of screaming goblins who felt that their chicken leg was not of satisfactory size or doneness, although we know no poultry leg smaller than that of an ostrich would be sufficient for some of these screaming beasts. Perhaps that could be our next special? 

I have been working at the harvest for the past three years, and each day brings a new assortment of folk from the surrounding villages. I always work early on the morning of Jezus, which makes some of the folk gripe that I am not at their place of worship instead, although they always sit down for a cup of tea and a plate of fried potato sticks anyway. We have regular folk who frequent the harvest weekly or more often, and many request the same serving wench each time. We have a pair of pixies who show up twice a week and always eat the same meal and always leave the same pleasant amount of copper behind. Many of our regular folk are a pleasure to serve. The merpeople just want beer and conversation, while the trolls prefer to find flyers posted on signposts that entitle them to a few coppers off their meals, eat and leave as fast as possible. Werewolves will tuck into a full rack of swine ribs and continue to be ravenous, whereas the unicorns tend to nibble on bowls of fresh grasses and vegetables. Each creature is unique, and each have different interactions with the serving wenches. 

One evening several years ago, an imp and a ghoul arrived together at the harvest during one of the busiest seasons. This is the season when those mythical beings who live in a faraway land called Ontarrioup deliver brightly coloured slips of papyrus to the creatures in the villages, allowing them to eat twice as much chicken for half the cost at the harvest. The imp and the ghoul sat down and presented me with one of these pieces of papyrus, demanded two dark bubbly sugar waters, and two of the more expensive cuts of chicken meat. Now, with these more expensive cuts, the folk must pay extra coppers to ensure we have enough revenue to continue the harvest for another year, regardless of how many pieces of papyrus are thrown at us. The ghoul and the imp devoured their meat and potatoes with gusto and slurped their dark bubbly sugar waters back and demanded more. They were unassuming, slightly rude, but nothing to write home about. When the time came to settle up, the imp flew into a rage and smashed her plate against the table, shattering it.

"YOU ADDED THE COPPERS WRONG, YOU IMBOCILE!" she screamed at me, while the ghoul huddled back into his chair in fear. I picked up the papyrus on which the numbers were written and recounted. "No, that is correct," I said, "including your hefty discount, you owe 17 coppers for your dinners." I took a step back. Her eyes glowed red. "BUT THE PAPYRUS SAID IT WAS A FULL 3 COPPERS LESS, YOU STUPID HUMAN WOMAN!" and shoved the papyrus in my face. The other patrons of the harvest grew quiet and watched the imp as she started to light the chair she was sitting in on fire in her cheap rage over 2 coppers. "Yes," I said, "but you asked for the most expensive cut of meat. It's written right on there, it's an extra copper and a half per meal." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ONE AND A HALF EXTRA COPPERS FOR WHITE MEAT!?!?!" she bellowed, swiping the broken porcelain onto the floor with her forearm. "THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!" She picked up a sharp piece of glass and began to move toward me.

 The sounds of chopping and and clucking hens ceased. The rest of the serving wenches pulled out their trusty pens and massive bags of low denomination change, ready at a moment's notice to fight. I moved back from the imp, not breaking eye contact, and slowly grabbed my own piece of glass to fight back with. She was beginning to foam at the mouth. The sounds of chopping and clucking hens ceased. Suddenly, there was a loud grunt and a giant smash. I turned around and there was Brendanus, the half-giant, one of the few males who work amongst the serving wenches, exploding through the newly erected wall that once divided the cooking area from the front area, confusing wenches and Heroes alike. Brendanus, wielding his pen, rumbled forward.The wall was broken, and there in the dust stood the Bogeyus and his new vapour stick, Joshius the Tall, Bearded Mike, and finally the Chicken Hero, brandishing his trusted blade. A single chicken bawked loudly, awkwardly flew out from behind them, landed on its side and scurried out the open door into the village. The Chicken Hero raised his knife and shouted "Onward!", and the men moved forward to follow Brendanus. 

The ghoul, looking more aghast than ever, dropped 20 copper coins onto the table and began to pull the imp toward the door, out of the way of the oncoming Brendanus and the army of greasy men behind him. Bearded Mike stuck out his foot and tripped the ghoul, who let go of the imp and fell onto the floor. He jumped up and began to wrestle with Bearded Mike. Bogeyus inhaled deeply from his magical vapour stick and blew it into the ghoul's face, making the ghoul writhe. The imp had bolted back to the table, picked up the extra 3 copper coins that the ghoul had intended as a tip for dealing with his partner's lack of social skills and inability to read simple sentences, shouted "I'll be taking THAT," and hopped out of the open window, leaving the ghoul to contend with Brendanus, Bearded Mike, and Bogeyus. Joshius the Tall looked at me and nodded, and hopped out the window after the imp. The Chicken Hero and I stood surveying the damage left by the imp's rage. 

"You are okay?" the Hero asked me. "I am fine," I replied, "that's the third one to have that reaction this week. Thanks for the backup, I could've handled it myself though." I dropped the piece of porcelain from my hand and it clattered onto the floor. "Your idea of handling it may have ended up in bloodshed," the Hero replied, "you don't have much patience or mercy for those who are rude to serving wenches." "You're right, but only because everyone should be kinder to their serving wenches, because we are people too, not machines, and treating us and talking to us like old trash isn't very nice." I looked up, and there stood Joshius the Tall, holding the imp by the scruff of the neck. The imp was silent until Joshius the Tall shook it up and down, and then the imp looked a little green and whispered "I'm sorry I spoke to you rudely, you do not control the cost of the harvest, Joshius the Tall has explained it all to me." Joshius the tall then tossed the imp to the door. The imp fell onto the ghoul, and together they scrambled outside and vanished into the village. I wish I could say they were never seen again, but they still eat at the harvest frequently and, while they are slightly less violent, they still whine about the cost. 

"Excuse me?" Said a voice. I looked to the left at a table of goblins. "Could we get another pitcher of mead, please?" said one of them timidly. I put on the fakest grin I could muster. "Of course, my ducky. I'll be right back." 

THE END.

The chicken hero saga 18: Take a little trip with me

    It was a beautiful day in the harvest, cold because the winter winds blew this time of year, but unlike other realms the chicken hero heard of, when winter came at the harvest, it did not bring trouble or slow moving creatures, with the exception of Charlieus the pot scrubber. The hero was working away when he heard the relentless squawking of a flock of birds, as he stopped to enjoy the scene of them flying in unison he was disappointed to learn that it was just the take out maidens, as they walked by deep in their incessant chatter he shook his head, they were always squawking about something. It was going to be an important couple of days at the harvest as a member of the Council of Elders was coming to teach a new food item, it was still chicken of course, it was usually chicken, except when it was cow that one time, but this time the chicken would be placed in a boiling pot of oil, rumours were rampant that this idea came about due to how King Wittacus of Stagg dealt with any member of his regime that failed him. The hero and the rest of the staff were busy cleaning the harvest, polishing this, tucking this under there, hiding Jefficus the fry maker so he couldn't talk to the council member.
  Today the hero would be working with Zacharia, now there were a lot of unique people in the harvest, and Zacharia was no different, for he was a shape shifter, he didn't really exploit this ability like you figure most would, often times he looked like good ol Zacharia but sometimes he could make himself look like Joshias the tall, or Jamieus the hemp smoking elf, whichever one he felt like working that day. As the day went on and the hero prepared the meals and cleaned the harvest he began to feel hungry, and luckily enough as he began to seek out sustenance a serving maiden appeared with a large tray of chocolate cookies, saying that a mysterious cloaked person dropped them off at one of the tables and left, when the hero asked if she thought this was suspicious she responded
  "Well Karenus ate like three as soon as they laid them down and she seems fine"
  The hero was weary of the cookies but he was also hungry, and while he had won many battles during his time at the harvest, the battle with his stomach was one that could never win. He devoured the cookie and never felt any immediate effects but he still felt the need to investigate, he looked around at all the other members of the harvest, one of the maidens had expressed worry about Kevinus the cleaner, saying he had eaten one cookie and had been sat in the same spot for hours, he looked at the take out maidens, somehow they were managing to eat the cookies and still incessantly chatter without choking, it appeared that the cookies were legitimate, perhaps he would have another. As he approached the tray, three things surprised him, the first was that were cookies left at all, the second was that nobody had lost a hand, and the last was that weird voice he suddenly heard
  "You don't want to eat another one of those cookies, for they are cursed, they make you see things that aren't there"
  "I doubt that" responded the hero "Everyone seems fine, now step aside giant chicken and let me get more sustenance"
  The hero kept walking eagerly toward the tray when he stopped in his tracks, the only giant chicken he knew was Cluckus and he was off in battle, suddenly he felt woozy, the earth began to spin, he felt like he had just gotten out of Petrus the thirds wagon, and all of a sudden nothing looked right, Byronus the dwarf had grown to eight feet tall, Joshias the tall had shrunk down to a dwarf, Bogeyus, man of numbers and literature was working, no no things were not normal at the harvest. The hero knew he needed to clear his mind, and he had to get food, he was so hungry, how did Jamieus the hemp smoking elf not gain five hundred pounds? And did his feet still work? These questions clogged his mind, his usual tremendous focus was gone, he knew he had to help the people of the harvest but he just wanted to eat chips of potato. Suddenly he saw his beautiful Anastasia, truly a vision whether his mind was clear or not
  "What has happened here?"
  "Some mysterious stranger brought in cookies, the giant chicken told me not to trust them, but hey I've grown an extra finger so they can't be all bad right?"
  "Giant chicken, extra finger, townspeople giving us things instead of yelling at us, something doesn't add up, did anybody get a good look at the person's face?"
  "No Karenus just grabbed the tray and the said thank you as the person slowly walked away"
  The hero tried to fight through the fog in his mind to come up with a solution, he had heard that Marias had become a witch since being banished from the harvest, he knew it was a long shot but if they reached out to her maybe she had a potion that could help, but he did not know how to contact her and he was without his usual sharp thinking.
  "I have an idea, come with me" said Anastasia
  Finding him still on his perch she grabbed Kevinus the cleaner by his arm
  "It's no good" the hero cried "Kevinus ate the cookie too, he's been sat there for hours"
  "No, I didn't have either cookie" Kevinus said sounding confused
  "Kevinus, I need you make food, something that is not usually prepared at the harvest" said Anastasia throwing bowls and pots at him
 "Well that's a little strange but okay"
  Kevinus set out to prepare chicken in a different way than usual and in an instant a puff of smoke appeared and a voice trembled
  "Do you have any for me"
  There before them stood Marias, looking as ageless as ever
 "How did you know how to summon me" Marias asked
 "Ummm lucky guess" replied Anastasia "We need your help, the harvest has been hit with some kind of potion, we need your help to fix it"
 "This is what I will need, the ground up bones of a chicken, the ear of a wild pig, one live frog, the feather of the Eagle that lives on the highest tree, some tree resin, wild berries, the finger of a dwarf, and some salt and pepper"
  Without delay Anastasia set out to find those things, some would be harder than others of course, luckily she was surrounded by chicken bones and Byronus the dwarf was working that day, and had fingers to spare so those came easy. As she hopped on her trusty steed Brody she ran into Karenus, saying she was off to find the cure for those cookies
  "Who needs a cure?" Karenus asked "If that person was still here I would kiss their wrinkly face"
  Anastasia rode like the wind, luckily her trusty steed Brody was rarely tired and could run for days if she needed, as she tried to think about things she needed she also thought of Marias, how it was nice to see her again after the way she had been banished, and that time had not been kind to her, she had even more wrinkles than before
  "More....wrinkles......oh no"
   With realization set in Anastasia set back for the harvest to find everyone down on the ground except the hero who was tied to a spit with his own trusty chicken string, and Kevinus who was back sitting on his perch
  "Kevinus, what spell did she use to make you paralyzed"
  "What spell? What do you mean?"
  Anastasia knew she had to stop Marias, but she had grown powerful, it would take all her wit and cunning to stop her
  "Look, somebody ordered food and didn't need it"
  With that Marias turned sharply around, using the distraction Anastasia untied the hero from his trusty chicken string and flung it towards Marias bounding her tightly.
  "YOU WILL NEVER HOLD ME, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE ON PETRUS THE SECOND"
  "How about I give you this free food and you remove the spell from everyone?"
  "Can I have a little extra?"
  "Sure"
   All of a sudden everyone came too, the hero was groggy, he looked at Anastasia
  "Sorry for sitting this one out, you did fine work"
  "Thanks, how do you feel?"
  "I am okay, my memory is hazy, I think I was supposed to write about when the villagers were afraid of gluten but I can't remember"
  "That's good, I am glad, now lets go home"
  As the hero walked with Anastasia he was proud of her, it was different being the one having to be saved, he looked at her admirably, then he looked past her at the vision behind her, a face from the past, surely another hallucination, but he felt fine, but the words he heard were no illusion
  "Hello Hero"
 
  "Hello.....Deboner"