Chicken Hero Saga Chapter 16: Putting walls between us

 The chicken hero didn't know quite what to make of the situation that faced him. For the first time since he could remember he didn't have anything witty or sarcastic to say, as he looked around at the bodies of his fallen harvesters his expression was blank, he worked with these people, mostly enjoyed their company, how did it get to this? He looked straight ahead and he knew, as he saw the giant wall, once white, now covered in red, he had never faced anything like this before.


**********Two days earlier***********


  Today at the harvest all hands were on deck, for it was the feast of Black Friday, the one day of the year there was no sun and the village was left in perpetual darkness. To appease the gods all merchants slashed their wares to ridiculous prices causing throngs of people to flock to their wagons and markets. The chicken hero didn't quite see the appeal of everyone fighting over objects, but it certainly worked better than Black Plague Friday, even if there was almost as many casualties. The hero arrived at the harvest and instantly noticed that something was different, the harvest seemed smaller than usual, there was a giant wall where before there was no giant wall. This wall blocked the access from his station to where the villagers dined. How did this wall get here? he asked himself, was it the work of the dreaded Deboner, no it was all quiet on that front, as far as he knew he was still dead, was it one of the other dreaded villains he had faced, he didn't remember their names, surely he could have went back to check but who has time for that.
  The wall wasn't the only thing he noticed, the air felt heavier, sure it was quieter, and it blocked out some of the more annoying serving wenches, but the harvest felt more claustrophobic, more confined. He had heard examples of walls being put up all over the world, it was usually to keep the dark people in check, the ones who could control the dark spirits. He heard about one really long wall in the far east, he didn't know much about it, only that it was pretty great. There was something off about this wall though, he could not put his finger on it, cause every time he touched it there was a spark that jolted him backwards. He didn't have a good feeling about this, mostly cause he was numb from the shock of the wall, but also because he had that familiar feeling that it was going to get worse before it got better.

**********The next day***********

   The chicken hero didn't know how things had escalated so quickly, everywhere he looked around the harvest his co-harvesters were at each other's throats, this was not who they were, it was supposed to them versus everybody, not them versus them. The pressure never got to them before, they had known the busy season and always gotten through it, something was different now, it was the wall, some kind of force trapped inside was causing them to turn on each other, some of the serving wenches even said that if you listened closely enough you could hear a voice inside there, which shocked the chicken hero, he didn't think they ever listened. The chicken hero knew what he had to do, a plan must be made, that wall had to come down, he had experienced a lot of awkward silences in his time; however, all the silences at work were making it difficult. He could not do this alone, it was time to rally the troops.
   First he sought out his brother Robbieus the strong, who could throw objects and send them hurdling two villages over, next he went looking for the mighty gronk Brendor, whose ability to smash was unmatched. Next came Bogeyus, man of literaure and numbers, who could order the tools they needed, even if some were special orders and they could not be gotten by regular means. Next came Jamieus the hemp smoking leprachaun, the chicken hero figured he could try to climb the wall because he liked getting high. Last came Allysiaus, well mostly because she stumbled in on the planning and they could not get rid of her, plus her shrill voice could make anything want to go away. Everyone was up to speed on the plan, everyone was ready, they would meet the next day, as they were leaving Brendor let out a mighty scream
 "TOMORROW WALL YOU MEET THE WALLBANGERS"
  "Ahahahahahahaha" giggled Jamieus
  "Don't call us that" said the hero ".....well maybe Allysiaus" he added.

 ************The day it all went wrong***********

  It was just them now, as the hero looked at the big dumb inanimate object he moved Brendor out of the way so he could see the wall better. He could swear it was glowing, but it could have been the sun's reflection. Bogeyus was the first to try, he had been up all night doing mathematical calculations trying to figure out the proper place to attack the wall, as he approaced the wall he started to cough, but the immense power of his smoker's lung was not phasing the wall, it stood strong, it did not bend or break, Bogeyus coughed and coughed with all he had till he passed out. Unphased our heroes proceeded, it was now the turn of Robbieus, he throw many objects at the wall but they just bounced off, unfortunately as Bogeyus was starting to awaken he was hit by one of the objects and rendered unconscious again. Running out of things to throw Robbie picked up Byronus the dwarf who happened to walk by, with a mighty heave he launched him into the air and with a mighty thud Byronus hit the wall, landing on top of Bogeyus who had just started to stir. It was now the turn of Brendor, he knew he would have to smash like he had never smashed before, he moved back as far as he could, smoke poured from his nostrils like a raging bull and with a loud BRENDOR SMASH he was off, but he was no match for the wall, and he fell down into the heap.
  It was now the turn of Allysiaus, she simply walked up to the wall and started telling it a story, as the chicken hero had instructed her to do, she kept talking and talking but the wall stayed in one piece, surely it had the resolve of steel, finally, mercifully Allysiaus lost her voice collapsing to the ground clutching her throat. It was now the turn of Jamieus the hemp smoking leprachaun who was........already in the pile of bodies, he had fallen asleep. Frustrated now the hero started throwing whatever he could at the wall, plates, glasses, the bottle of red Grenadine Elixir they used for kids drinks. Just then the chicken hero heard a familiar voice, was it coming from the wall, no it was coming from alongside him, it was Anna the palindromic one, digger of truth.
 "What happened here?"
 "We tried to take down the wall that was causing all the fighting, we needed to get out, how did you get in here?"
  "I.....just walked around the corner"
  And with that the chicken hero noticed an opening to get around the wall
  "Hmm, a secret passageway, very clever"
  "No, no...it was always here" added Anna whose name was the same in forward or reverse
  "I can't believe there was a secret door"
   "But there wasn't........yes there was a secret door"
  In the days that followed they learned to live with the wall, they had even gotten used to it, and if there was a silver lining to it, it would be several more days before Allysiaus got her voice back.

The chicken hero saga 15: The Book of Faces

   As the hero lay bound on the table he had a feeling like he never had before, impending doom. Would this be the untimely end of the hero? He had so much left to do, he had to finish that puzzle he was working on, he had to finish that loaf of bread before it got moldy, he hated when that happened. The hero fought relentlessly to free himself but as he looked up he knew it was too late, the giant chicken was swinging his cleaver and now it was the hero's turn to be quartered. Just as the knife was about to hit him he awoke in a cold sweat, it was all just a dream, it was always just a dream. Fully awake now and since it was morning the hero arose, he lit a fire to warm some bread, but it was too late, the mold had started to spread, he saw red at the site of the green and tossed the remaining loaf into the fire, he needed a walk to calm himself down. There seemed to be a lot of people out this morning, lining the village roads, but they didn't seem to be doing anything, they all had books in their hands and were staring at them.
   As the hero walked along the road to find out what was happening the villagers started screaming out the weirdest things as they flipped through the pages.
  "I like this" one person screamed
  "Why would anybody draw a picture of that poor animal being hurt, I'm seriously considering never looking at this book again until this stops."
  Just then the villagers looked up at the hero and surrounded him, asking if they could be his friend.
  "But I thought I was your friend already" the hero remarked.
  "It doesn't count unless it shows it in the Book of Faces"
   "BOOK OF FACES......BOOK OF FACES.....BOOK OF FACES" the mob shouted.
    The hero had never heard tell of this Book of Faces before, he had not seen anything like what had come over the townspeople, those that were once hardworking industrious people now spent their time scrolling through this book commenting on whatever they saw. As he walked through the mob of people he heard more people shout.
   "I wish I could like this a thousand times over" shouted one villager.
   " No no no I do not like this at all but there is no way I can not like, the ability is not there." shouted another.
   The hero was becoming concerned, he had not seen the villagers so spellbound since the time the harvest started giving out balls of chocolate with their meals at the end of every year. Surely this was the work of some kind of sorcerer, the black arts had to be at work somehow. As he neared the harvest, he heard more shouting but the people weren't making sense.
  "Of course this happens to me......ugh"
  " What happened to you? Can I be of assistance?" the hero questioned
  " I don't want to talk about it" the villager responded
  The hero questioned why people started talking so vaguely, it had to be the book, whatever this book was nothing good was coming from it. He arrived at the harvest thinking he would be safe from the lunacy that was occurring outside, but as he looked around the strangeness continued. All around the serving wenches and kitchen guys were crushing little candies, trying to line them up in a pattern and then destroying them. From all over the harvest they shouted at him.
  "Come crush these candies with us" they said inviting him to come play.
  "Help me crush these candies, I am dying and need a life"
   "Do you require medical attention?" the hero asked confusedly
  The hero knew he had to do something, he had to find who was responsible, on the way out of the harvest he was stopped by Bogeyus, man of literature and numbers.
   "Be my friend hero" they had even gotten to Bogeyus, was nobody safe?
  As he scanned the city looking for anything suspicious, well more suspicious then how the villagers were acting he came across a little boy on the road, the boy was covering his mouth coughing, and look sickly white.
  "What is the matter little child?"
  " Mr. Hero I have the plague, the doctor has the cure but told me he needs to get likes from all the villagers before he will give me the potion, my mom and dad are gone asking the people to like him."
  The insanity knew no bounds, just then the town judge came riding along on his wagon, the hero approached him hurriedly.
  "Your honor, there is a doctor who will not operate on people unless the people like him, you have to stop this."
  "I'm sorry hero new laws make this perfectly legal, if you read this parchment it says so right here under the part where it says couples are not legally together unless it is enacted and made official in the Book of Faces."
  Before he could ask who created this book the judge was gone. The hero looked around, all over there were people having arguments over the stupidest things, people were drawing pictures of their food, a group of girls were taking pictures of themselves resembling a duck for some reason. He had to put an end to this madness, approaching a villager he had an idea.
  "I need to borrow your book of faces" he wrote on the pad, creator of the Book of Faces and the name of the sorcerer magically appeared, Zuckerus.
  "How did you find him so fast?" the villager questioned.
  "Well if you look closely it shows you that over time The Book of Faces can track your location and all your vital information."
  "WHAT, they can't do that, they are spying on us, I'm going to run and tell everybody."
  Now that he knew who he was looking for, and just where he was the hero set out to find Zuckerus the evil sorcerer. As he approached the ivory tower he expected something a little darker for such a purveyor of evil and deceit. As he moved forward a voice boomed.
  "You think you can stop my Book of Faces, I have millions of people all over the world in my army and if I fall they will unleash havoc upon you."
  "Book of Faces, more like Book of Feces" he was disappointed that no one was around to hear that line.
  "Come out Zuckerus, show yourself to me, I just want to be friends"
  Suddenly Zuckerus appeared, wasting no time the hero let fly his trusty chicken string, but Zuckerus disappeared in a flash.
  "You think I didn't know you were coming, I have messengers everywhere" Just then Zuckerus appeared again levelling the hero and knocking him over.
  As the hero started to get up there was noise off in the distance and huge cloud of dust, thousands of people were marching towards them.
  "Look it's my army, all my Book of Faces users come to watch me end you"
  The look on the face of Zuckerus changed when the angry mob surrounded him and started to stomp him.
  "This is for invading my privacy" one screamed
  "This is for nobody liking what I say" screamed another
  "This is for my food getting cold cause I have to draw a picture of it to show everyone" screamed another."
  The hero stood and walked away from the chaos as the mob continued to attack. As he headed home he saw a bird in a tree, there was something menacing about that bird, but he couldn't put his finger on it, he didn't know why but the sounds the bird made ran shivers up his spine.
 Tweet Tweet.

The Chicken hero saga 14: Maria's curse Part II

  The night sky was becoming as dark as an African.........night, he was distracted by some moving object and had trouble finishing that last thought. He would need to focus now though, for trouble was coming. Had it been that long already? Maria wondered aloud, a thousand years went by seemingly in the blink of an eye, but the hero didn't have time to listen to the polite ramblings of the old woman as off in the distance he saw a figure emerging from the darkness, they were short in stature, for a moment he had hoped it was the long awaited return of Byronus, but that could not be possible, for after being thrown by Robbius the strong a fortnight ago there were still reports of him sailing through the air. People were actually using him as a unit of measurement for travel, telling people that if they wanted to go to the next village all they had to do was go as straight as the Byronus flies.
  The figure was cloaked but he could tell it was a woman, yes he knew what woman this was, it was the witch that had cursed Maria. She removed her cloak and a rare look of horror crept over the face of the hero, her face resembled the skin of a chicken left laying around for days, her voice was the harshest sound he had ever heard, and he had heard Allysius speak in her high pitched gibberish. Time had not been kind to this decrepit old hag, and he had a feeling that she was not going to be kind to him.
  "Come on Maria, we have to run till I can figure out a plan"
   But it was the middle of the day, despite the darkness, and everyone knew that Maria didn't run well in the middle of the day. The hero picked up whatever he could find and threw it in the path of the witch, who was now gaining, doing whatever he could to block her path, he even grabbed a nearby baby and showed it to a group of serving wenches, causing a circle formation that was hard for the witch to get around and would buy them some time. On the way they were met by Jamieus the hemp smoking leprechaun, when the hero told him what was coming Jamieus had no fear.
  "Sure that's nothing, she only needs a hug, and I'm just the one to give it to her"
  "You don't understand Jamieus, she is going to swallow us up in a big dark hole"
  "HA, that's what she said"
   "That is exactly what she said, she was screaming it at us when she was approaching"
    The hero grabbed Jamieus and led him and Maria to find a place where he could think, he looked back and saw and the old woman getting closer and closer, he wondered why Maria couldn't move that way, The hero saw the lights of the harvest drawing near and he knew he couldn't let the darkness overtake it, for nobody in that village wanted anything do with dark, they were all white, white, white. The hero now stopped running, he had a plan, he urged Jamieus to run and get the giant Brendanus, their trio had dominated in the sport of hurling, he stopped and urged Maria to run before everything got cold....and dark. He set up a net using his trusty and effective chicken string, hoping it would hold until Jamieus and Brendanus returned. The old woman ran straight into the string, it was working, she was being held back, but then she wasn't, through some witchcraft the string disintegrated, he could wait no longer, he took out his hurling ball and threw, a good shot, it hit her, she wobbled and did not fall over, he threw another, but missed, he silently cursed his wild inconsistency. Then from behind to the left came a whirling orb that ended up hitting the witch head on knocking her far back, before he even heard the all too familiar words he knew what had happened.
  "Did you see the curve on that, what a hook" roared the giant Brendanus
  Jamieus stood by with an approving look until a huge gust of air sent him flying into the night, the hero and Brendanus stood stopped in their tracks as a bigger gust of air sent Brendanus flying. She had recovered well for a woman who was thousands of years old. It was just them now.
  "Why do you run boy, is it so hard to be polite that you would rather flee then talk to me, well your problems are almost over, for soon the only words these wretched fools will no how to say will be Hello, and how are you, and excuse me dear, and there is nothing you can do about it."
  "Listen lady.....ish thing, whatever you are, I have manners, I was always told to help old ladies across the village streets, and now I'm gonna help you across the street, INTO HELL."
  Feeling proud of himself for that last line he charged.....backwards, as a gust of air knocked him over, dazed he looked up to see the witch standing over him, her bony hand nearing his face.
  "With one touch you will be under my command, you will be cursed like the girl was cursed......."
  Just then she stopped talking, her hand stopped moving, she was frozen in fear, what is that could possibly scare this supernatural entity, the hero crawled backwards and looking behind him he could see what stopped her, emerging from the darkness came the pasty frame of the far undressed Bogeyus, man of numbers and literature. The image that once haunted the hero now haunted her.
  "My eyes have never seen such small amounts of denim pantalooms, or such amounts of wool for feet coverings, the horror..........the horror, the curse is not worth this."
  With that the old hag was gone, and the skies lightened, it appeared the trouble was over, they were safe for the next thousand years, or at least till the next threat came along. Bogeyus looked at the hero with a confused look on his face.
  "Who was that, one of the villagers complaining"
  "Um something like that, she said something about wanting all dark and not getting it, I'm glad you showed up Bogeyus, now lets go get you some longer pantalooms."

The Chicken Hero saga 13: Marias Curse Part 1

   It was a sweltering day in the chicken harvest as the sun beat down endlessly, it was so hot that our hero thought he could actually fry an egg on pavement, if pavement had actually existed.
  "Note to self" he thought while writing an idea down "Invent pavement."
   It was a slow time of year at the harvest, the good weather combined with business being divided between the villages of Kelsius and Pearl Mountain was taking it's toll on the amount of villagers who came in to dine, sure they were still prosperous but the extended downtime led to some interesting ways to keep busy. Games were created to kill the boredom, though some often backfired such as when a rousing game of throw the dwarf went wrong after Robbias, who had the strength of ten men launched Byronus some two towns over and he was not heard from again.
   The hero feared boredom sometimes, because he did not trust it, he knew if the times were uneventful now that something would happen later to make up for it. The Chicken king was still out there though he had defeated him and his kickin chickens once, and something in his stomach told him he had not yet seen the last of the Deboner, for he knew he was not that easy to eliminate, no he was quite hard indeed. With the sun keeping all the villagers outside and a shortage of little people around to throw the hero needed something to keep himself occupied, he liked stories, he considered himself a man of literature, he had read that book that time, so he decided to go around and ask his fellow harvesters for a story he could listen to. As the hero set out find out more about his harvesters he was stopped in his tracks, frozen by the horror that was in front of him. The hero stood straight, unmoving, he had never known fear before, he had fought many battles but never had evil come this close to home, for there in front of him stood the co-harvest manager Bogias, man of numbers and books, clad in tiny panatlooms made of denim, a shirt with the sleeves removed and socks darned from the wool of what appeared to be two sheep. His pasty legs and torso showed an uncanny ability to avoid the sun's rays, and his hairless body, the stuff of legend, looking like a guinea pig that just escaped the womb of it's mother.
    For the first time in his brave life the hero knew he must flee, with a quick hello he went off in the other direction in search of anything he could do to cut the image out of his brain, for it would haunt him for the rest of his days. On the way to find something to scrub his brain clean, he ran past Marias who made sure to say hello to him, he was moving so fast he almost never said hello back but then he thought of the story he had heard, it was known that Marias was cursed in the long long ago, that she had to stop and say hello to everyone, and if the greetings were not returned, the curse would be passed on to that person. Looking for anything to take his mind off the horrors he had witnessed previously he went up to her with an offering of food, for she had a hearty appetite even over the age of a thousand.
    "Hello Marias" the hero called to her "I was wondering if you ever get frustrated having to say hello to every single person you meet?"
    "Well you know dear-she called everybody dear- it was rough for the first hundred years, I lived in the mountains for a long time because if you scream hello, it echoes for days and that saves a lot of time, there is always a loophole, remember that dear."
    "Do you mind if I ask you the story of how it happened?"
    "Not at all dear, I've told this story many times. It was back in the long long ago when the earth was orbited by nine planets, and you can bet Uranus that Pluto was one of them, it was said that when these nine planets aligned darkness would take over the earth and it only happens every thousand years or so. I was just a girl then, I remember I was in the yard playing with my pet Mastodon.....Fuzzy was his name."
    "Oh Fuzzy was he?
    "No, not really dear, Fuzzy had no hair"
    "Oh so Fuzzy wasn't Fuzzy, was he?"
    "That's not the point dear, anyway where was I? Oh yes I was playing with Fuzzy when the skies darkened, I had never seen such darkness, even the so called Dark Ages were brighter than you would think. I ran into to tell my father, but I could not talk well at the time for I was so young and I said daddy daddy the darks is coming, and at first he taught the slaves had gotten free and was going to defend our home. Then he looked outside and he saw how dark it was and he said we had to run, and there was little time. So I grabbed what things I could and Fuzzy and we made a run for it, I wasn't sure what was happening but I knew things weren't right."
   Marias stopped and looked in the sky and she shivered as if remembering something horrifying. The hero stopped and saw the image of Bogias, and he shivered at the memory of something horrifying.
   "In our rush to flee our village I bumped into an older woman, I did not see her face because of the cloak she had on, let this be a lesson dear, never trust anyone in a cloak. I was so scared that I did not say hello to this woman, I just wanted to catch up with my parents and Fuzzy, as I went to move she grabbed my arm with her bony fingers and told me I was a mean little child for not saying hello, and she begin to chant this weird spell, when she was done she told me that I was now cursed, that I would live for thousands of years and have to say hello to everyone, and if they didn't say it back, they too would be cursed, apparently while evil she still believed in being polite. For the first hundred years it was rough, I do not want to say hello to everyone, not everyone deserves it, but I do not want anyone else to suffer this fate so I go out of my way to make sure they say hello back, hoping someday I will find that woman and the curse will be lifted."
   The hero hugged Marias and thanked her for telling him, but something else stopped in him in his tracks, no it wasn't just the horrible image of Bogias this time, it was another thought
   "Marias, did you say the darkness only comes every thousand years?"
   "Yes dear, why?"
   "Because look at how dark it is over on the horizon"
   "Oh no dear, it's time again"
   The hero looked off in the distance, he knew trouble was coming and that in fact the slow times were over, and he thought maybe the darkness might bring back the cloaked woman, and he could lift Marias curse, this story was far from over, it would definitely be continued.

Paint by the numbers

   First off I want to start off by apologizing to the two or so(that includes my proofreading) readers of my blog for the lack of updates, sometimes life just gets in the way, not mine really, I'm sure others have lives, I'm just really lazy outside of work. Today I had to dust off the old corner of the Internet when a juicy news story came over the wire, yes that's how long it's been since I've updated anything on here, I still use a wire, I was going to upgrade to an email but there are two reasons why I did not do this. Firstly, the email chunkylover53@aol.com was already taken by some guy in Springfield and the second was that somebody warned me there was a lot of spam, and spam is terrible, I don't even think it's real meat, and all compacted in that hard to open little can. Recently on the radio I heard a commercial for a summer camp run by the local paintball organization Frontline, at first listen I thought that's a great idea, round all the hoodlums up and and fire them off in the woods somewhere. However, upon further investigation what was revealed was not a fun, educational camp but a building ground for a future bloodthirsty militia.
   I decided to try and go undercover into their secret training ground, which was an educational experience in itself, did you know if you go into a clothing store and tell them "I need to get into some boys pants" they will look at you funny and call the police, I do now. With the first attempt a terrible failure I decided to try an sneak a kid in there, some would say I probably should have asked his parents first, but there was no time, I had to get the scoop before anyone else, and hey the picture they put up in his "have you seen this child?" poster looks good, he looks really happy, they should be proud of the little family they have. With little Stevie(he told me his real name but really there was no time for paying attention) firmly enrolled in the camp I asked this ten year old boy if he knew how to use a phone so he could call me with the info, as it turns out not only could he use a phone but he upgraded my iPhone to get the best wifi reception possible.
  As the days went on I began to worry about little Stevie, I knew he would make it back to his family (although those news stories and commercials were bothersome to the whole under cover expose I had established) but it was days since I heard from him first, so I decided to try and sneak in to get a word with him, shutting off my words with friends(thanks for downloading that game Stevie) and set off to see what I could see. Sneaking along a chain link fence I could not believe what I saw, I did not see boys enjoying their youth and having fun, I saw little machines marching back and fourth spouting cadences. As I watched on in horror I suddenly laid eyes on Stevie, catching his attention I got him to come over, and he had changed, his eyes once filled with joy and wonder were now cold steel, his hair now shaved bald along with the rest of the kids, and worst of all his name wasn't even Stevie anymore, he was now known as Ravager, what had I done? I swore to him I was going to bust him out, I just wish I hadn't spent the ransom money already, I could have paid for the rest of camp and got him out, but all of a sudden that wasn't my biggest problem, I was surrounded by a bunch of little death machines, and suddenly I was taken captive.
  I awoke several hours later in a daze, and was mortified by what I had seen, all around me kids were taking target practice, or climbing trees with frightening agility. One kid was gutting and skinning a bear, A BEAR, that I legitimately think he killed himself, looking around I saw other kids in bamboo cages, there's not even bamboo in this province, when I asked one little boy about the prisoner kids, his just looked at me with a blank expression and stated coldly
  "They drew first paint, not me"
  As I tried to get more answers out of him a man approached, obviously the leader of the camp and man in charge. I asked him how he could do this to these innocent little kids, and he simply stated two words.
  "Red Dawn"
  Apparently this man watched movies, and was especially affected by the 1980's movie where America was invaded and a group of brave, hungry teenagers led by Patrick Swayze defended themselves against the threat. The man said he saw that movie and swore to never let it happen to Canada so he formed a secret training ground where kids could become super soldiers. I knew I had to do something, I had to escape, I screamed at him that he couldn't hold me and that I would escape to alert everyone as to what was going on here, and tell everyone what an inhuman monster he was. The man just smiled at me, and said I was free to go, that in fact it was merely a training exercise, and then gave me a one hundred dollar coupon to their paintball field.......................... I mean I guess he's not that bad, someone has to teach these kids discipline right, look at little Stevie's parents, they let him go off with a complete stranger, some people I tell you.

That's news to me

 
  Attention dear reader, we interrupt the ongoing chicken saga for this special news update, as apparently things happen in real life, dark things........disturbing things. Did you know that Celine Dion still sings? That is enough to make me crawl under my news desk and stay there till the zombies come. The following are just a few news stories that have developed in the past few days;

  I'll Give it a shot

   Police were involved in an altercation at Memorial university last night.  Plain clothes officers, as opposed to those snappy dressed officers, were staking out the parking lot after reports of cars being broken into. Police sat tight until they saw someone smash a window, they were unsure at first because it appeared to be a white ma....ke  of car, but once they were sure, they proceeded on foot to chase him, and he proceeded to almost run them over, and fire shots at them. The suspect managed to escape the scene when Mun campus enforcement asked the officers if they needed backup and the officers doubled over in laughter. Once they were able to compose themselves they chased after the suspect finding the vehicle he had been driving set on fire, witnesses from nearby Buckmaster's Circle were overhead saying "Hey a car on fire, it's not Thursday yet." Despite the further decline of morality in this city two silver linings emerged. The first being that police apprehended the suspect, and the second being that at the moment the shots were fired a track meet was being held inside the field house. One runner hearing the shot sped out to a giant head start and set many new records. Despite the controversy and cries for a rematch, the runner simply said that he would choose not to run.

   Thumbs (broken) up

    Get out your pitchforks and baseball bats everyone it is Roll up the Rim season once again. This year Tim Horton's is trying something new and different and actually remembering to put the hash brown in the bag on drive thru, er I mean they are giving customers two chances to win with a new bonus roll. Because if there is anything that loyal Tim Horton's customers like seeing it's the words please play again not only once, but twice, why they don't just cut out the middle man and rip your heart out at the counter when you order your drink? While it is a way of celebrating their 50th anniversary and a way to say thank you it has led to an undesired result, many Canadians are complaining that the extra rolling has led to their thumbs and hands being locked in a permanent rim rolling position. In a mere two days since the contest began tens of people have complained about their livelihoods being ruined because of lack of thumb mobility. In an exclusive you won't find anywhere else I was able to see one of the angry email from a frightened, seemingly male customer:

  Dear Tim Horton's,

  I have been typing these email for two days because my pinky is the only finger that I am able to move. These new two roll cups have destroyed my life, after drinking 7 cups in a row to try and win the bonus car I was stricken with immobility of my hands and thumbs and the overwhelming urge to urinate. I can't tell you what a bad combination this is, and I will spare you the messy details but long story short you owe me a new pair of shoes. I lost my job because I was not able to work, and the only other work I could find was holding cigars at a cigar store, and the Native American man I took the job from just keeps staring at me with an unrelenting wooden glaze. I have to go now as my pinky is starting to cease up and I haven't eaten in two days because I have been typing, for shame on you Tim Horton's, for shame

 That's entertaining

  In shocking Hollywood news, the director of the new Robocop movie was arrested for murder, as he butchered the classic original movie. In the wake of seeing the new movie, original Robocop Peter Weller actually took his own life so he could turn over his own grave.

  Early Oscar Buzz has breakout hit Wolf of wall street one of the favorites to take home the big prize at this year's awards. It is the story of a ego maniacal drug addicted lout who rises to a position of power. it is Rob Ford's favorite movie. It's main competition is Twelve years a slave which is counting on white person's guilt to push it over the hump.

 Sports shorts

  Denver Colorado are still investigating the mysterious disappearance of the entire Denver Broncos football team during Superbowl weekend. The lead investigator was quoted as saying "I've never seen this many people disappear at once, one or even two is normal but not this large a group." When asked if they were using all their resources, the investigator responded "well of course I'd love to find them, I had five hundred bucks riding on that game."

  In local sports news, there have been rumblings of a new MMA gym opening in the capital city, finally guys with barbed wire and tribal tattoos will have a place to go.

  Game of Thrones weather

  Winter is coming. Sun will make for a fine day but the night will be dark and full of terror

  Well there you have it folks, all the news that is not fit to print. And remember folks, if it's news to you, it's news to me.

The Chicken Hero saga Chapter 12: Two can dine........IN HELL

 
  It had been a quiet few months for the chicken hero. With the Deboner left completely flaccid at his hands, he toiled away at the daily doldrums of the chicken harvest.  During this time, the harvest had seen some new faces, and some returning ones as well. The chicken hero was happy to see the return little Jamieus the magical elf, an often happy go lucky fellow thanks to the help of his magical plant, well some say it was magical, others say it was cursed, for it caused a need to latch on to others at will. Often times when the sun started to sink in the west and the sundial read IV the wenches of the harvest would find themselves in his embrace.  Also there was a new Tylerus, he was taller in stature than the previous Tylerus, and never used his name in sentences. Tylerus as a boy was raised by racoons and adapted their ways, wearing the black mask that they do, and often eating whatever scraps he could find. There were also the old faces still present, ruler of the harvest Petrus the second, who was well loved but ruled with an iron fist, his son Petrus the thrice, who smoked many cigarettes and ruled with an iron lung. There was the brother of the chicken hero Robbieus whose strength was legendary, as legend has it when little Tylerus had to leave for schooling he missed his wagon, so Robbieus picked him up and hurled him to his destination...........he was never seen again.

  Yes, life was quiet at the chicken harvest. Another harvest had opened across the country, and there was another being constructed atop Pearl Mountain, so it was interesting to the hero where the townsfolk would go for their food.  It still amazed him how they came in droves every day, he had been at the harvest for many moons and still did not know why the villagers didn't have their own fire pits. To kill time when not at the harvest, at the request of Jamieus the magical elf, the hero took up a sport called bowling, in which competitors hurled rocks in an attempt to knock sticks over. They comprised a team with the youngest son of Petrus the second, Stevius the Minstrel, and Brendanus the Gronk, whose mighty screams of his "LOOK AT THAT CURVE" could be heard for towns over. Yes, life was quiet, perhaps a little too quiet, the chicken hero always looked over his shoulder, for his epic battles had been known throughout the land. He had heard the rumors of chickens being deboned in other villages, but he was certain that he had vanquished the Deboner, and he would never rise up again.

  Just then he saw a magical bird swoop down into the harvest, it was a messenger pigeon, though this one was darker than most, oh, it was a homie pigeon, he should have known by the needless amount of gold on it's beak and talons.  After dropping the scroll down, and stealing a roll(they often stole rolls) the bird flew off, and the hero rolled down the parchment to read the words, but he was not prepared for the words that he read. The high council of chicken elders had decreed that not only one villager, but two villagers could come in and dine at the harvest for mere schillings, it was like giving away food, something that Bogeyus the Seldom would not approve of. Bogeyus the Seldom was a man of literature and numbers, but he was seldom seen by the boys of the harvest, it was foretold by the ancient chicken prophecy that when the chicken was high, Bogeyus wasn't nigh, but if the chicken was low, Bogeyus would show. Despite that the chicken hero was fond of Bogeyus, for he often helped him, and he admired his undying loyalty to both his sons.

  Petrus the second had heard word that messengers had been sent out to deliver the pieces of paper to the townsfolk, and he urged his men to stop them at all costs, for if the townsfolk got wind of this, there could be a riots in the streets. The hero packed up his thin yet impenetrable chicken string and set out to stop the the messengers, but he feared it was too late, for off in the distance, over the hills came wave after wave of people, the dust rising to the sky resembled the massive fires that Petrus the thrice would have in the fire pit, or the cloud of smoke coming from Jaime the magical elf's wagon. Two by two the people descended on the harvest, waving paper after paper at the serving wenches, poor Marias the ancient(who many moons ago had been hexed with a curse that made her have to say hello to everyone) almost fell over from running to greet and serve everyone. Just then as the hero and his band of men set out on feeding all the ravenous patrons, the hero saw a man off in the distance, smoke was rising off him and he appeared to be floating. "Ah, Jamieus must back from his break" he thought, but Jamieus was in fact next to him.

  The chicken hero ran as fast as he could, but he found that no matter how fast he ran he could not catch up, once he realized he was running the wrong way, he muttered some choice words for the town people for re-organizing the roads and went off into the right direction. As he neared where he had saw the strange man, he rubbed his eyes, for he could not believe it, the man was actually floating, this was not the work Jamieus the magical elf's special plant, this went beyond anything he had seen. Before the hero could speak he was cut off "Now listen, I am King Cluck, lord of the underworld......and the dance. For centuries I have watched as your people have devoured my minions, and come back for no more. Well I say it stops today, it was I who sent those papers around, it was I who will swoop in and take the souls of your townsfolk, and they will be too full and tired to do anything about it." The hero stood confused, he hadn't even asked what his evil scheme was, what was about him that made villains divulge their evil schemes? Was it because he had a trusting face? He would never know.

  Regaining his focus, the hero screamed "You want those people, you will have to go through me!" Just then King Cluck floated right on through him, the hero was taken aback at the very literal answer to his threat, he had been shown up, nobody ever showed him up before, had he just been violated? cause it felt like he was just violated. He had no time to wall as just then two flaming chickens started kicking their way towards him. "It's time to turn up the heat with my kickin chickens, feel their wrath." The hero was trapped, these chickens were mean, and they smelled delicious, but he knew he had to eliminate them, rolling out his trusty chicken string he bobbed and weaved, jumped and dove, tying them in such a way they were now kicking each other. "Impressive" said King Cluck "but you will not be the Victor this day."

 "My name is not Victor, it's the chicken hero" and with that he charged, but as he did the ground started to open up in places. What King Cluck didn't know was that he been used to the holes in the ground at the chicken harvest and new how to dodge, with a mighty leap the hero jumped and wrapped his trusty chicken string all around the evil king, that is he would have, had the King not vanished like a tray of baked desserts around the serving wenches. Suddenly a voice filled the air "You win this round hero, but mark my words, you haven't seen the last of me!" And the chicken hero knew this to be true,  for he had forgotten his cape.

  Returning to the harvest, the hero placed the cape into the lost and found strongbox, as he sat to relax he caught a whiff of the strangest smell, it appeared to be sulfur but he wasn't sure. The hero asked Christoph the dish ogre which way the wind was blowing, he replied "Southwest, huh huh huh" and walked away, Christoph was a man of few words indeed. The hero looked at the western skies and they were black, like Kennyus' the cook's wings were black, and it was then he knew the quiet was shattered, and harvest would not be at peace for very long more.