Houston, She had a problem

 In case you have been living under a rock this past week you have not heard about the death of Whitney Houston, or your homeless in which case you have never read this blog so I'm not talking to you.  Houston died on Saturday, the day before the Grammy awards, causing them to scramble to put in tributes, and leaving other stars distraught.  LL Cool J's charisma and personality were so distraught they decided to skip the awards leaving some monotone robot to host the show; at least Adele was there to take people's minds off of things, when times are hard you can always count on the British, which is something I don't think any soldier from any other country has ever said.....ever.  Now to say Ms. Houston's past is checkered is an understatement, her closet had more skeletons than backstage at a fashion show, but one can't deny that she left a huge mark, not just the track marks on her arms, but in the music industry.

 Houston was born in New Jersey, so from an early start she was given an unfair shake, but she rose above all that, on a clear day when she could see New York she knew she could do better.  Its kind of like when people from Bell Island can see St. John's on a clear day, sure it sucks to live on Bell Island, but you know escape is possible......as long as the ferry isn't broke again or trapped in ice.  Whitney, like a lot of stars got her start singing gospel music for her local church, you know one thing I've always noticed is that when a young girl sings in church it seems she goes on to be a megastar, but if a young boy sings in church a priest gets arrested, it's funny how that works.

 Once she was discovered the sky was the limit, she danced with somebody, she found the greatest love of all, she said she would always love you(even if Dolly Parton said it first) and even starred in a movie, The Bodyguard, with Kevin Costner, but even he couldn't protect her from what was to come. Just when you though she could not get any higher, along came Bobby Brown, and his good friend drugs. Now kids if you don't know who Bobby Brown is, picture him as Chris Brown and Whitney Houston as Rihanna.  Now old people if you don't know who Bobby Brown or Chris Brown is, picture him as Ike Turner and Whitney Houston as Tina Turner.  When the two got engaged, you should have seen the rock he gave her......before she snorted it.  Actually in an interview Whitney Houston denied doing crack because "it's too cheap", hell choclate bars are cheaper then the fancy chocolate but I enjoy them just at much.  The two had a rocky relationship with many ups and downs, usually Whitney down on the floor after he punched her and then picked up again by Brown so he could hit her again.  Sure Brown might not have been as talented as his wife but it seems he had just as many hits as she did...........to her face..........what's that, oh you already knew what I was going for there, okay okay, moving on then.

 Then for a long time nobody talked about Whitney Houston, sure she had albums out, and she was hot again for a couple of weeks but then she would go right back to obscurity, I hear they have the best pharmacies there.  It wasn't until last Saturday when she was discovered in that bathtub that people thought about her again, so hey she might have drowned, but at least she made a splash on her way out.  People were quick to take the Amy Winehouse route of speculation that it was drugs or whatever, but her family can take solace in that if she did in fact fall asleep in the tub at least she died clean.  When reached at the old folks home where he and his group New Edition were peforming Bobby Brown was grief stricken and having "crying fits" Now I'm all for second chances, but he supposedly beat her African American and blue for the majority of her relationship, I don't think he gets to cry that she's gone, unless it's cause he has no one to take his rage out on, but hey isn't that what hookers are for.

 It is weird how sometimes it takes someone dying to remember they were alive in the first place, and now that she is gone, she is once again the greatest thing since sliced bread- as as sidenote if sliced bread is so great how come nobody knows who the first person to slice it was, guess he couldn't sing or act or anything- and now we can look forward to at least eight more cd's of hers to be released and a movie about her life, done by Tyler Perry, featuring that wretched Madea woman for no reason at all.

Unsolved Mysteries

 There are things in life that, as much as you try, you just cannot explain.  The Northern Lights, Stonehenge, the popularity of Jersey Shore, do aliens really exist?(a quick look at Michelle Bachman says yes, yes they do) are just some of the things that people have and will for centuries have no real answer too.  Yesterday on the worldwide MENSA meeting known as facebook a cousin of mine posted a video of people capturing disturbing noises from across the globe.  All these different places, yet the same ominous noise.  What could the noise be? Could it be the poles shifting, tectonic plates re-aligning, Oprah's stomach rumbling(that's my choice).  I for one think the video is fake because one of the people is listed as from the Czech Republic, and everyone knows they can't afford cameras there, so there ya go, one mystery explained.  So with this bigger mystery out of the way, I would just like to list some of the other things that I have wondered about for years, but have never been able to solve, any help you people can give me would be much appreciated.


  - Who keeps cobbling my shoes while I am asleep? And really in regards to that, who even cobbles shoes anymore anyway?  I mean if you met somebody and asked them "Hey, what do you do?" and they responded with "Oh, I'm a cobbler" how could you not respond with stifled laughter and respond "Oh really, Blueberry or Peach?"

-  If somebody stole his Scooby snacks, what would Scooby Doo?

- Everyone always talks about racial intolerance but how come no one focuses on Lactose Intolerance, cows have feelings too people, delicious feelings.

- Who ruined Saturday morning cartoons?

-  Why is it only me that can prevent forest fires? That is a lot of pressure, because of those commercials I was afraid to go into the woods till I was twenty.  Besides, how do we know two bears aren't in there not putting out their camp fires, or pouring flammable stuff to make the fire bigger.

- If onions make us cry, why do we keep going back to them? Is it because we think we can change them?

- If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, who will save us if we start to choke on it?

- They found Saddam Hussein, they found Osama Bin Laden, how come nobody knows where Emilio Estevez is?

- Why can't more people see what an amazing show Community is?

- What happened to you Brendan Frasier? you used to be so cool.

  -Dude, Where's my car?..............Did anyone actually watch that movie?

So there ya go, I tried to recruit Robert Stack to help me solve these mysteries but he's being a jerk and not returning my calls, so I may have to go through life never finding out the answers to these questions. Thanks a lot Robert Stack, your dead to me now.