French(fried) kiss of Death

Sad news in the food world this weekend, as food giant(not an actual giant, reports are he was only average height) Wallace McCain, co-founder of McCain foods died this weekend. Details are yet to be hashed(browns) 0ut but it appears McCain died after succumbing to a long battle with pancreatic cancer. On a site note, isn't the pancreas a jerk, you barely know it's there, no one pays attention to it until BOOM, doctor says "Sir I'm sorry you have cancer, it's in your pancreas" and your all like "Cancer?" and "Pancreas?". McCain is remembered fondly by colleagues and customers of his fine food, though some felt he deserved what he had coming to him for unleashing that annoying slow eating french fry kid, yeah, you all remember him, who didn't hate that kid?

McCain foods was created in 1956 when Wallace and his brother Harrison in search of ways to make money traveled to Ireland and stole their potatoes. It wasn't their intention to steal all the potatoes but after Wallace had taken one his brother bet him that he couldn't steal just one and before they knew it they had all the potatoes. Not knowing what to do next they decided to eat the evidence, it was a slow process, so they decided to share their new found bounty with the rest of the world and created McCain french fries. As time went on and business grew McCain began to develop a chip on his shoulder, yet through all his success he lived a straight(cut) life, he had not a care in world, that is until life decided to grab him by the old short and curly fries.

Not satisfied with just unleashing greasy delicious fries onto the world, McCain became chairman of Maple Leaf foods, cause if your trying to drive up the cholesterol levels of Canadians, you need meat of some kind. When I saw that he was chairman of Maple Leaf Foods I thought "Bologna", no way he was time to be involved in two major companies like that. Truly it must have driven a wedge(fry) between him and his family, but no apparently his family life was solid, which makes him a real wiener in my books.

McCain's responded to the sad news by replacing those happy face fries you get sometimes with sad face fries for a limited time only. Wallace McCain lived a fine life, even when sick he put on a brave face, but then the crinkles started to appear in his armor, until eventually he was hanging on by his shoestrings, and then passed peacefully away. No word on his funeral arrangements, but I assume he will be cremated, his ashes then put into a french fry bag, which will be rolled up and put in the back of the freezer until the family needs to see it. God Speed Wallace McCain, thanks for contributing to my fatness for many years.

Electile Dysfunction

Oh Canada, I love ya and all but Stephen Harper...........again.......really. Only in Canada could a man be told flat out that he wasn't fit to run the government, forced to call an election, and then get voted back in with a majority government, a majority government mind you that he didn't have the first time he ran. I wanted to write this earlier, before the election happened, but work and being too jaded in our political system got in the way, so I'm going to do something special, I'm going to dust off the old time machine (oh yeah there's a time machine) and set it for this past weekend...........and away we gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well I made it, it's now Saturday, two days before the election and it has all the excitement of the world championship of curling (apologies to those two old people that still like curling). I'm surfing through all the channels to see if I can get any last minute info on how the campaigns are going, hey look it's a piece on Osama Bin Laden, I wonder if they will ever catch that guy.......nah probably not. Well I'm not finding much information so I'm just gonna go ahead and discuss all three candidates. Now admittedly I don't know too much about the politicians, or their platforms, but much like our esteemed government officials, I've never let not knowing the facts get in the way of pretending to know what I'm talking about. So now lets put our feet up, I'm gonna grab a cookie (I'm hoping eating this cookie doesn't drastically alter the future, and something crazy like the NDP becoming the opposition happens..........nah never happen), and lets look at all the candidates:



Stephen Harper: This was the most recent picture I could find of Mr. Harper, the man that everyone is projecting will remain as our prime minister. I have yet to see one Conservative commercial that didn't attack Micheal Ignatieff, I mean is it really necessary, the Liberal party has done a great job of making people hate them in the past, and can blow it on their own, they don't really need the constant bombardment of hate from the Conservative party too. I believe that Mr. Harper has taken some flack for not letting "regular people" attend his rallies, but the joke is on him, someone has to sweep up after he leaves, HA score one for Joe Lunch pail. I can't predict the future but I don't see Harper losing, and Canadians can be complacent, sure the tax on beer might be higher but as long as it's cold we're good, and they prefer to stick with the devil they know instead of the devil they don't.

Micheal Ignatieff: Jean Chretian couldn't do it, Paul Martin couldn't do it, Stephane Dion most likely did it but we didn't understand a word he said, but it looks like Micheal Ignatieff is the man who will bring the Liberal party to whatever the opposite of glory is. I heard so much about Ignatieff being away in America that I wasn't quite sure if he was born a Canadian or not, so I reached out to Donald Trump to find out, but he is at some presidential correspondent's dinner, oh well I'm sure he'll blend in, and no one will make fun of him. I give credit to Ignatieff though, he's done the near impossible and made the NDP seem relevent, as a matter of fact Jack Layton's new campaign slogan is "See....we're not so bad after all." Speaking of Jack Layton

Jack Layton: well I'll be jiggered, it looks the little party that could, actually might this time as they are neck and neck with the Liberal party. It appears Jack Layton is rubbing some people the wrong way, so they released a story of him.......umm getting rubbed the wrong way. This is why I don't care for politics, the NDP finally comes out of nowhere to be in a position where people stop bending over from laughter at them and stand up to take notice, and then it so happens this ex cop remembers a time he saw Jack Layton laying naked on a massage table. Now I know horrible images are burned into your head, I remember the time I accidentally clicked on a picture of Rosie O'Donnell naked (I won't go into graphic detail but let's say I felt like captain Ahab when he found his white whale) but it's rather convenient that he just so happen to remember it the weekend of the election. I bet when Stephen Harper heard this he put down whatever baby he was eating and laughed heartily. Okay I can't stay in the past any longer, should I have one more cookie before I go, not like it's gonna drastically change the future or anything, and away I goooooooooooooo.

Geez, I eat one extra cookie in the past and Osama Bin Laden gets killed, let that be a lesson kids, junk food can help you do anything. So as I predicted when I totally went back in time in a situation that really happened it looks like Stephen Harper will take the throne again. Who knows what the next four years will bring. Will Harper rule with an iron fist? who will step up to take down the Conservative government? personally I think there is only one man for the job, we have to follow the lead of the Americans and endorse a charismatic black man. Coach Cuddles Ford will tell you we believed in Yes We can before a young Barack Obama swept the hearts of all he met.

So in typical Canadian fashion, it's out with the old and......back in with the old. There are pills you can take the fight electile dysfunction, but consult a doctor or psychiatrist if the government lasts more the four years.