The Ballad of Micheal Beauregard

Today when I arrived at work I was told a harrowing tale by my kitchen manager Mike, who we call Bogey both as a way to shorten his last name and because he's a self admitted terrible golfer. Bogey just got back from a week off and when I asked him how it went his response was "Just excellent...............until they dropped the fridge on me." Naturally when you hear that sentence you have to hear what comes next, and as he preceded to tell me the story my mentality(one that I've had for years, and the mentality of my brothers and fellow kitchen staff workers) of it's funny cause it didn't happen to me kicked in, and it led to many jokes being made throughout the day. So because I always have to take things one step further, and because he's probably not gonna read this, I present to you now the Ballad of Micheal Beauregard.


Here lies Bogey, he moved just a smidge
And found himself trapped, under a fridge
He had asked his son and his dad for some guidance
Yet he still found himself, underneath the appliance

He could not scream or yell, all he could do was whisper
For his legs were pinned, by the vegetable crisper
He struggled to get free before all hope was lost
Soon it would be too late, the fridge would defrost

The fridge gave way when his dad couldn't hold her
Now when they meet, he gets the cold shoulder
His son stood silent, his face fixed in awe
He couldn't believe there was a fridge on his Pa

Bogey couldn't believe it himself
When the door it flew open and down came a shelf
Then the fridge it was lifted, he was freed from death's choke
And all he could say, was that he needed a smoke

Bogey survived this extraordinary tussle
With only some bumps and some bruises
And a slightly pulled muscle
As the days went on, his spirits were higher
As he thought to himself, at least it wasn't a dryer

If Mel Gibson calls for me, tell him I'm not home

Today in the tell us how you really feel file lands Mel Gibson, who has the internet abuzz this week with the recordings of a let's just say less then civil conversation with the mother of his child that wasn't his wife. As usual my knowledge and care for the facts are limited but from what I gather Gibson was rather upset that his ex-girlfriend Oksana supported the decision Lebron James made to sign with the Heat, and this was the last straw in a tumultuous relationship, sending Gibson spiraling out of control, and causing him to tell her how he really felt. And boy oh boy tell her he did, I would transcribe his outbursts, but I like to think of this blog as a house of Jesus, or it was until Jesus read what I wrote here. Hearing Mel say these things almost brought a tear to my eye not only because it made me think of how far he has fallen, but it made me nostalgic for the times that I used to sit and watched Giants games with my dad.

However, things aren't totally looking down for Mel, I mean he has the support of Whoopi Goldberg, that's gotta count for something right? She has come out and said that in no way is Mel a racist, she knows this cause he played with her kids, no no he's not a racist, he's just an alcoholic that's all, she knows this cause he shared it with the kids, but hey she didn't mind, it settled them down while she spent the ten hours it takes to do whatever that thing on her head is. Now I'm not a fan of alcohol but I think it gets a bad rap here, I don't think it's to blame at all, you know what I think it is? Rabies, that's right rabies, listen to the tape, the man's breathing heavier then Roman Powlanski at a teenage girl's soccer game, and no doubt foaming at the mouth.

We all know that people love a good train wreck, but this is a case where I think Mel Gibson could have been helped. I mean The Signs were there when he went on his tirade about the Jewish people, it was then we should have seen that he was at the Edge of Darkness. I believe Mel has a good soul and a Braveheart, but something just snapped inside and it drove him Mad to the Max and he couldn't take it anymore. Mel is just a misguided man who truly thought he know What Women Want but this woman turned it upside down and it was time for Payback. His judgment got the better of him and he became a Lethal Weapon 4 a while, holding his sanity for Ransom. He lived dangerously like A Bird on a Wire, everybody knew him, they stared at him like he was A Man Without a Face, but even if we stopped believing in him, he never stopped believing in us, he knew deep down We Were Soldiers. If Mel is guilty of anything it's having too much Passion(of the Christ), but now that his career has no doubt suffered an Apocalypto, let's not think of him as the stark raving lunatic he is but as he was, a Road Warrior, a Patriot, and a Maverick.

Canada: A look Back

Break out the Tim Horton's and the beer, it looks like somebody's got a birthday. That's right, today our country of Canada turns 143 years old, putting her right up there with the Queen of England and Keith Richards. Today is the day when Canadians all across the country unite to celebrate our nation, right before they go back to complaining about it the next day, this year the festivities haven't been just a one day event, people in Toronto have been going nuts all week, smashing things, lighting cop cars on fire, they might not be able to hold their booze, but apparently those guys can party. There has been a lot of complaining about the ways the people of Toronto celebrate, but give them a break, it's not like they are ever gonna get to that for a celebration of one of their sports team, so let them go wild. Today, since it is the birth of the place we call home I'd like to give her a little tribute, take a look back at her life, and some of the major happenings.

Canada has changed a lot from it's humble beginnings, it started out merely as a place full of natives sitting around doing nothing, okay I guess some parts of Canada stayed the same, but then the white man cometh, and the white man taketh away. It's like Canada was there was the Native people's favorite restaurant, and all of a sudden they just stopped taking reservations(ba dum ching) and they withered under the powerful grasp of whitey, ironically some years later we devoted a railroad to stopping just that very thing in America. Then there was the time we burned down the white house, yeah we did that, for the longest time I believe it was the only physical harm ever done to the white house, until Barack Obama started raising the roof there on a daily basis.

..........And then for a long time nothing happened

Then some guy got accused of treason, sure he may have been a treacherous man but I think it's cause the people couldn't deal with what he was laying down, say what you want about the man but Louis kept it Riel. Then Canada went to war, and we fought bravely, then we decided we didn't like war, but we didn't mind supervising, so we started peacekeeping, using soothing words instead of weapons, and letting our aggression be taken out by hitting spheres of rubber with wooden sticks, and fighting not cause it made sense but it made the game more exciting, and you got to sit in that little box. Some years later the province of Quebec started feeling like Jan Brady and wanted to leave, months of suspense lead up to a big referendum asking the same question as the Clash did, should I stay or should I go? After all the fuss the only thing that ended up leaving was their hockey team, and we stayed a nation intact, enjoying the influx of poutine and maple syrup.

As Canada gets older I'm sure she will look back and reflect at the times she's had. Sure she's not perfect, she's had men lead her astray, but always clung to them thinking that they could change. She gets poked fun at a lot, and from one end of the country to the other people walk all over her, it seems like the only time people know her anthem is during the playoffs, but as she looks back would she really change anything. The more she thinks of it the more she thinks that there are probably a few things she could change, some things she could do without, such as:

Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Brian Williams, Celine Dion, Jean Chretian, Wayne Gretzky's spotlight stealing leech of a father, Mike Duffy, Celine Dion, Rita McNeil( that's gotta drop a couple of hundred pounds there) Winnipeg, Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, the Vancouver Grizzlies(oh wait) Ryan Reynolds, Celine Dion, Fred Penner, the Saskatoon Naval reserve, Stephen Harper, Corey Hart( he can join his career in obscurity) and lastly....Celine Dion.

So tonight be sure to celebrate Canada's birthday by blowing up a little piece of it, but treat her with some respect, she's old, and sometimes senile. And to all Americans, happy birthday to your country on Sunday, sure you may think your the best place in the world, but our birthday is first, so we got all the good presents.