I was faced yesterday with a problem, I had to end a relationship that I had for years, one that was good for me, I had to close my bank account I had with the Bank of Montreal. To prepare myself that the awkwardness that was to come, and the expected bunch of questions, such as why are you leaving us? is there someone else? can't you give us another chance? I decided to take a walk to clear my head. My walk took me around the legendary Signal hill, site of Marconi's first trans-Atlantic message or something like that, you know what history doesn't mention is that he actually lost reception, so there ya have it Newfoundland, we are the site of the first ever dropped call.
On the way home the time came to do the deed, to walk in there, face all the accusing eyes, and get it over with. I planned to do it quick, rip it off like a band-aid, but I figured they would keep me there, beg me to stay but I did not expect what happened next. I went up and said it's over, I'm done, I had found a newer sexier bank and their response was.........OK. There was no shock, there was no tears, there was no feeling, it's as if they were relieved, like they were going to do it first but I saved them the trouble. Now I know I'm not the most caring person in the world, but this seemed low even for me. I mean even the time when I rejected the mail order bride cause her mustache was bigger then mine I still felt bad for giving her the wrong name and slamming the door in her face. I even bought Svetlana a ticket back home.....or as far as Corner Brook, I can't really remember, but hey there's a lot of things in Corner Brook, I mean, they have PULP and PAPER, yeah yeah I know, had pulp and paper.
They took what little money I left in that account, for the monthly fee, and charged for saying that I used the bank machines too many times, but truly it is me who feels used. I gave you several good years of my life and this is how you repay me, by leaving me emptier then a BP oil container, leaving me lonelier then Betty White at a Golden Girls reunion. Well shame on you Bank of Montreal, for you see much like the Elephant Man I am a human being(and I enjoy peanuts) and if you cut me I do bleed, and Bank of Montreal you cut me deep just now.
For now I'm just gonna sit here wallowing in my half pint of ice cream, and for a while it's gonna be awkward when I pass you on the street, but time heals all wounds (unless they are fatal) and eventually I'll forget you ever existed. One think that I hope was not lost in the awkwardness of our separation, was the irony of the whole thing, I mean really it's not every day you see a Canadian trying to separate from something from Quebec.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Oils well that ends well
I realize that the pun in the title is a relic, a dinosaur best left unused but hey I've always thought it was pretty slick. This past few weeks we've all learned that what oil and water do, in fact, mix and that the results equal catastrophe. I haven't been keeping track of the oil spill much, as media coverage of any big event tends to frustrate me, but as usual I have pieced things together from the little snippets that I have heard. When I first heard of the BP oil spill, I thought to myself, really, when did Boston Pizza get it's own oil tanker? and why would they even need an oil tanker? of course that could explain their high prices. I don't really know much about oil, I know my province has lots of it( and you can't have it, get your own) I know it's a substance used in cooking and can be found in the hair of most Italian men. I know oil can be crude, often leering at you and making crass comments, and it's the reason that the Clampetts loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills that is, but that's the extent of my knowledge.
As with most disasters, the first people to reach out are the unsung heroes of our society, celebrities, and in this case also Kevin Costner. Apparently Costner and his company have a machine that can be used to separate oil from water, at first I thought it was some kind of super duper filter but apparently what it is is actually a dvd player and a giant television, which Costner's company will use to play WaterWorld on a continuous loop, hey it kept people away from theatres, it just might make the oil do a quick 360 and head back home. I think James Cameron has even voiced an opinion on how to clean up the oil, come on James, it took you twelve years to make Avatar, we don't have that kind of time, fish are dying here.
Everyone appears to be pointing fingers as to whose at fault, to the point where Barack Obama has gone all hood, wondering who should be the recipient of some NWA style violence, but you know who I blame? I blame Al Gore, that's right Al Gore. You might say, your an idiot, he's a huge enviromentalist, and then I after I was done sobbing over being called an idiot I would say well yeah, he's not paying much attention these days is he, he's too busy selfishly dealing with his divorce to pay attention, and with Captain Planet retired, and battling cancer(ironically he was a huge chain smoker) there is nobody left to watch over the environment and things have gone to pieces.
There is still a silver lining in all of this though, all those years George W. Bush tried to get oil from other countries, and now he didn't have to do anything, and it's coming to him, so congratulations on that I guess. Of course, the oil is swallowing up seafood like a fat person's convention at a seafood buffet but hey if they can scrape it off the top maybe they can save some barrels and oil won't rise to a ghastly price. The BP company is doing what they can to make sure the clean-up goes smoothly. By clean-up I of course mean their public image, as it appears they have spent millions of dollars trying to right their image, even buying the phrase "oil spill" from Google so that when you type it in the search engine, it will take you directly to their website about all the measures they are doing to clean up their mess. I was amazed when I read this, I mean Google is selling phrases now, Wheel of Fortune only lets you buy vowels, up yours Pat Sajack, looks like your going down harder then Gary Coleman at the hands of the ruthless Google monster.
For more information on oil, I suggest you find the episode of Saved by the Bell where they strike oil on the football field, it's quite moving and educational. You can also check out the band Midnight Oil, they might not educate you on oil spills, but if you ever want to know how to sleep when your bed is burning, they have the answer.
As with most disasters, the first people to reach out are the unsung heroes of our society, celebrities, and in this case also Kevin Costner. Apparently Costner and his company have a machine that can be used to separate oil from water, at first I thought it was some kind of super duper filter but apparently what it is is actually a dvd player and a giant television, which Costner's company will use to play WaterWorld on a continuous loop, hey it kept people away from theatres, it just might make the oil do a quick 360 and head back home. I think James Cameron has even voiced an opinion on how to clean up the oil, come on James, it took you twelve years to make Avatar, we don't have that kind of time, fish are dying here.
Everyone appears to be pointing fingers as to whose at fault, to the point where Barack Obama has gone all hood, wondering who should be the recipient of some NWA style violence, but you know who I blame? I blame Al Gore, that's right Al Gore. You might say, your an idiot, he's a huge enviromentalist, and then I after I was done sobbing over being called an idiot I would say well yeah, he's not paying much attention these days is he, he's too busy selfishly dealing with his divorce to pay attention, and with Captain Planet retired, and battling cancer(ironically he was a huge chain smoker) there is nobody left to watch over the environment and things have gone to pieces.
There is still a silver lining in all of this though, all those years George W. Bush tried to get oil from other countries, and now he didn't have to do anything, and it's coming to him, so congratulations on that I guess. Of course, the oil is swallowing up seafood like a fat person's convention at a seafood buffet but hey if they can scrape it off the top maybe they can save some barrels and oil won't rise to a ghastly price. The BP company is doing what they can to make sure the clean-up goes smoothly. By clean-up I of course mean their public image, as it appears they have spent millions of dollars trying to right their image, even buying the phrase "oil spill" from Google so that when you type it in the search engine, it will take you directly to their website about all the measures they are doing to clean up their mess. I was amazed when I read this, I mean Google is selling phrases now, Wheel of Fortune only lets you buy vowels, up yours Pat Sajack, looks like your going down harder then Gary Coleman at the hands of the ruthless Google monster.
For more information on oil, I suggest you find the episode of Saved by the Bell where they strike oil on the football field, it's quite moving and educational. You can also check out the band Midnight Oil, they might not educate you on oil spills, but if you ever want to know how to sleep when your bed is burning, they have the answer.
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