That's news to me

 
  Attention dear reader, we interrupt the ongoing chicken saga for this special news update, as apparently things happen in real life, dark things........disturbing things. Did you know that Celine Dion still sings? That is enough to make me crawl under my news desk and stay there till the zombies come. The following are just a few news stories that have developed in the past few days;

  I'll Give it a shot

   Police were involved in an altercation at Memorial university last night.  Plain clothes officers, as opposed to those snappy dressed officers, were staking out the parking lot after reports of cars being broken into. Police sat tight until they saw someone smash a window, they were unsure at first because it appeared to be a white ma....ke  of car, but once they were sure, they proceeded on foot to chase him, and he proceeded to almost run them over, and fire shots at them. The suspect managed to escape the scene when Mun campus enforcement asked the officers if they needed backup and the officers doubled over in laughter. Once they were able to compose themselves they chased after the suspect finding the vehicle he had been driving set on fire, witnesses from nearby Buckmaster's Circle were overhead saying "Hey a car on fire, it's not Thursday yet." Despite the further decline of morality in this city two silver linings emerged. The first being that police apprehended the suspect, and the second being that at the moment the shots were fired a track meet was being held inside the field house. One runner hearing the shot sped out to a giant head start and set many new records. Despite the controversy and cries for a rematch, the runner simply said that he would choose not to run.

   Thumbs (broken) up

    Get out your pitchforks and baseball bats everyone it is Roll up the Rim season once again. This year Tim Horton's is trying something new and different and actually remembering to put the hash brown in the bag on drive thru, er I mean they are giving customers two chances to win with a new bonus roll. Because if there is anything that loyal Tim Horton's customers like seeing it's the words please play again not only once, but twice, why they don't just cut out the middle man and rip your heart out at the counter when you order your drink? While it is a way of celebrating their 50th anniversary and a way to say thank you it has led to an undesired result, many Canadians are complaining that the extra rolling has led to their thumbs and hands being locked in a permanent rim rolling position. In a mere two days since the contest began tens of people have complained about their livelihoods being ruined because of lack of thumb mobility. In an exclusive you won't find anywhere else I was able to see one of the angry email from a frightened, seemingly male customer:

  Dear Tim Horton's,

  I have been typing these email for two days because my pinky is the only finger that I am able to move. These new two roll cups have destroyed my life, after drinking 7 cups in a row to try and win the bonus car I was stricken with immobility of my hands and thumbs and the overwhelming urge to urinate. I can't tell you what a bad combination this is, and I will spare you the messy details but long story short you owe me a new pair of shoes. I lost my job because I was not able to work, and the only other work I could find was holding cigars at a cigar store, and the Native American man I took the job from just keeps staring at me with an unrelenting wooden glaze. I have to go now as my pinky is starting to cease up and I haven't eaten in two days because I have been typing, for shame on you Tim Horton's, for shame

 That's entertaining

  In shocking Hollywood news, the director of the new Robocop movie was arrested for murder, as he butchered the classic original movie. In the wake of seeing the new movie, original Robocop Peter Weller actually took his own life so he could turn over his own grave.

  Early Oscar Buzz has breakout hit Wolf of wall street one of the favorites to take home the big prize at this year's awards. It is the story of a ego maniacal drug addicted lout who rises to a position of power. it is Rob Ford's favorite movie. It's main competition is Twelve years a slave which is counting on white person's guilt to push it over the hump.

 Sports shorts

  Denver Colorado are still investigating the mysterious disappearance of the entire Denver Broncos football team during Superbowl weekend. The lead investigator was quoted as saying "I've never seen this many people disappear at once, one or even two is normal but not this large a group." When asked if they were using all their resources, the investigator responded "well of course I'd love to find them, I had five hundred bucks riding on that game."

  In local sports news, there have been rumblings of a new MMA gym opening in the capital city, finally guys with barbed wire and tribal tattoos will have a place to go.

  Game of Thrones weather

  Winter is coming. Sun will make for a fine day but the night will be dark and full of terror

  Well there you have it folks, all the news that is not fit to print. And remember folks, if it's news to you, it's news to me.