As I sit here drinking my tea my mind thinks of one thing......coffee. Coffee has come a long way since the humble beginnings of coffee hero Juan Valdez. Juan was a simple man with a donkey and dream, but he was also smart, he saw his fellow Colombians filling the rest of the world with high grade cocaine and realized that since those people were gonna be up for hours anyway, they would need something to drink. It was then that he bought the farm, no not died, but actually bought a farm and got to work reaping the precious coffee plants so people would have a jump start in the morning. People instantly took to the hot beverage and it swept the globe, but with rampant popularity comes rampant competition and suddenly the buzzards started to circle. Soon Juan found himself unable to compete, locked out of Maxwell's House, denied entry into the Nescafe, left without a coffee-mate he sat defeated, he had become a has bean, left with no choice he sold (or ate) his donkey and retired into the sunset, unable to sleep both from sadness and all the coffee he had drank over the years.
Now that the history lesson is out of the way, let's jump to the present where the coffee wars are still raging, and this time it's personal. A few months ago down the street from my work a new coffee joint opened, Second cup. Okay so it's not new but it was a new location, and some fresh competition for the always fresh Tim Horton's. The people of Stavanger Drive eyes were opened to the world of Lattes and Frappacino's and blenders and there was no looking back. Sure people still loved their Timmie's but it was like a new girl entering high school and forgetting you had a girlfriend, you knew she would still be there but you had to go check out this new girl and see what she was all about. Second cup possessed something that Tim Horton's did not have, a mad scientist, while Tim's was satisfied putting dollars into doughnuts Second cup created a lab where the mad scientist concocted his crazy drinks such as the frozen hot chocolate, the days of calling it a milkshake were over, Stavanger Drive had gotten fancy, and the sky was the limit for Second cup...........or was it.
*clap of thunder* Enter Starbucks *bigger clap of thunder followed by maniacal laughter followed by coughing followed by more maniacal laughter*
Starbucks is known all over the world as a coffee giant, it had the market cornered on pretentious people who liked to order drinks with names that took ten minutes to say, and it wasn't about to let another dog onto it's turf. It is kind of like the Springfield/Shelbyville beef on the Simpsons, where Shelbyville built a mini mall so Springfield built a bigger mini mall. Second cup was in the midst of establishing a fan base until the bigwigs of Starbucks waved their evil talon like fingers in the air and said no way Jose, after denying the janitor his raise they also decided to open an establishment almost directly across from Second cup.
A once peaceful place has become a land torn asunder. Just yesterday while at a stop light I saw a poor pedestrian being pelted by some stale Starbucks muffins aimed at the windows of Second Cup. He dusted himself off and picked the chocolate chips out of his ears but he could never pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Second Cup responded by putting a sign on the road that said Starbucks employees rape cows, which was unfortunate for Starbucks, who had just put up a sign promoting adding cream to any drink for no extra charge.
Tim Horton's has been mostly content to sit back and laugh at the two warring factions, however they have increased their cup sized and have advertised to anyone who would listen like a valley girl who got plastic surgery for her birthday. Tired of the jittery unrest brought on by the load of caffeine, the locals have begun to venti very loud and very fast to anyone who would listen about the grande toll this war is taking on them. Second Cup has began to give away free coffee every morning, Starbucks has begin to kidnap the relatives of any person buying from Second Cup, stuck in the middle the morale of these people is sinking like an Italian cruise ship. There's no telling how or when this war will end, but until the day that coffee is no longer flowing freely (or insanely expensive) one thing is for sure, no one will rest.
