The Diary of a mad chicken cutter

Unsolved Mysteries

2012-02-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

There are things in life that, as much as you try, you just cannot explain. The Northern Lights, Stonehenge, the popularity of Jersey Shore, do aliens really exist?(a quick look at Michelle Bachman says yes, yes they do) are just some of the things that people have and will for centuries have no real answer too. Yesterday on the worldwide MENSA meeting known as facebook a cousin of mine posted a video of people capturing disturbing noises from across the globe. All these different places, yet the same ominous noise. What could the noise be? Could it be the poles shifting, tectonic plates re-aligning, Oprah's stomach rumbling(that's my choice). I for one think the video is fake because one of the people is listed as from the Czech Republic, and everyone knows they can't afford cameras there, so there ya go, one mystery explained. So with this bigger mystery out of the way, I would just like to list some of the other things that I have wondered about for years, but have never been able to solve, any help you people can give me would be much appreciated.

- Who keeps cobbling my shoes while I am asleep? And really in regards to that, who even cobbles shoes anymore anyway? I mean if you met somebody and asked them "Hey, what do you do?" and they responded with "Oh, I'm a cobbler" how could you not respond with stifled laughter and respond "Oh really, Blueberry or Peach?"

- If somebody stole his Scooby snacks, what would Scooby Doo?

- Everyone always talks about racial intolerance but how come no one focuses on Lactose Intolerance, cows have feelings too people, delicious feelings.

- Who ruined Saturday morning cartoons?

- Why is it only me that can prevent forest fires? That is a lot of pressure, because of those commercials I was afraid to go into the woods till I was twenty. Besides, how do we know two bears aren't in there not putting out their camp fires, or pouring flammable stuff to make the fire bigger.

- If onions make us cry, why do we keep going back to them? Is it because we think we can change them?

- If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, who will save us if we start to choke on it?

- They found Saddam Hussein, they found Osama Bin Laden, how come nobody knows where Emilio Estevez is?

- Why can't more people see what an amazing show Community is?

- What happened to you Brendan Frasier? you used to be so cool.

-Dude, Where's my car?..............Did anyone actually watch that movie?

So there ya go, I tried to recruit Robert Stack to help me solve these mysteries but he's being a jerk and not returning my calls, so I may have to go through life never finding out the answers to these questions. Thanks a lot Robert Stack, your dead to me now.

Under the lid: Behind the emerging St. John's coffee wars

2012-01-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

As I sit here drinking my tea my mind thinks of one thing......coffee. Coffee has come a long way since the humble beginnings of coffee hero Juan Valdez. Juan was a simple man with a donkey and dream, but he was also smart, he saw his fellow Colombians filling the rest of the world with high grade cocaine and realized that since those people were gonna be up for hours anyway, they would need something to drink. It was then that he bought the farm, no not died, but actually bought a farm and got to work reaping the precious coffee plants so people would have a jump start in the morning. People instantly took to the hot beverage and it swept the globe, but with rampant popularity comes rampant competition and suddenly the buzzards started to circle. Soon Juan found himself unable to compete, locked out of Maxwell's House, denied entry into the Nescafe, left without a coffee-mate he sat defeated, he had become a has bean, left with no choice he sold (or ate) his donkey and retired into the sunset, unable to sleep both from sadness and all the coffee he had drank over the years.

Now that the history lesson is out of the way, let's jump to the present where the coffee wars are still raging, and this time it's personal. A few months ago down the street from my work a new coffee joint opened, Second cup. Okay so it's not new but it was a new location, and some fresh competition for the always fresh Tim Horton's. The people of Stavanger Drive eyes were opened to the world of Lattes and Frappacino's and blenders and there was no looking back. Sure people still loved their Timmie's but it was like a new girl entering high school and forgetting you had a girlfriend, you knew she would still be there but you had to go check out this new girl and see what she was all about. Second cup possessed something that Tim Horton's did not have, a mad scientist, while Tim's was satisfied putting dollars into doughnuts Second cup created a lab where the mad scientist concocted his crazy drinks such as the frozen hot chocolate, the days of calling it a milkshake were over, Stavanger Drive had gotten fancy, and the sky was the limit for Second cup...........or was it.

*clap of thunder* Enter Starbucks *bigger clap of thunder followed by maniacal laughter followed by coughing followed by more maniacal laughter*

Starbucks is known all over the world as a coffee giant, it had the market cornered on pretentious people who liked to order drinks with names that took ten minutes to say, and it wasn't about to let another dog onto it's turf. It is kind of like the Springfield/Shelbyville beef on the Simpsons, where Shelbyville built a mini mall so Springfield built a bigger mini mall. Second cup was in the midst of establishing a fan base until the bigwigs of Starbucks waved their evil talon like fingers in the air and said no way Jose, after denying the janitor his raise they also decided to open an establishment almost directly across from Second cup.

A once peaceful place has become a land torn asunder. Just yesterday while at a stop light I saw a poor pedestrian being pelted by some stale Starbucks muffins aimed at the windows of Second Cup. He dusted himself off and picked the chocolate chips out of his ears but he could never pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Second Cup responded by putting a sign on the road that said Starbucks employees rape cows, which was unfortunate for Starbucks, who had just put up a sign promoting adding cream to any drink for no extra charge.

Tim Horton's has been mostly content to sit back and laugh at the two warring factions, however they have increased their cup sized and have advertised to anyone who would listen like a valley girl who got plastic surgery for her birthday. Tired of the jittery unrest brought on by the load of caffeine, the locals have begun to venti very loud and very fast to anyone who would listen about the grande toll this war is taking on them. Second Cup has began to give away free coffee every morning, Starbucks has begin to kidnap the relatives of any person buying from Second Cup, stuck in the middle the morale of these people is sinking like an Italian cruise ship. There's no telling how or when this war will end, but until the day that coffee is no longer flowing freely (or insanely expensive) one thing is for sure, no one will rest.

Tree of Woe

2011-12-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season is a busy time, there are gifts to be bought, decorations to be put up, eggs to be nogged, Jewish people to be laughed at, and when it's all said and done and you go back to work or school, it's always the same question, how was your Christmas? I have been asked this question a number of times after my mini vacation, and I gave the usual response "It was good"..."Yeah Santa was great"......"it was quiet just how I like it." They all nod and smile, glad I had a good holiday, but if only they knew the real truth of how my holiday was spent. I think it's time to reveal the rather interesting set of events that occurred over this past yule tide season.

My story actually begins a couple of weeks before Christmas day, the time had come to contribute my share to the inflated Christmas economy and so I loaded up my credit card and set out to the mall in search of gifts for the family. It had started out like a normal day, Christmas music blaring over the intercom, people busy hustling and bustling from store to store, a big giant talking tree encouraging people to leave him gifts, stores..........wait what......what is that gigantic tree doing in the middle of the mall, and why were these people eagerly laying gifts at it's base. It appeared this evil demigod had some sort of hold over the patrons of the mall, with his large cold dead eyes and big gaping mouth, the people seemed to fear him, as his gaze moved from side to side and he let out a giant bellow, more and more the people laid these treasures at his feet.

Reeling from the sight of the giant beast I began to inquire around about what I had just seen, one patron said it was the Happy Tree, no doubt calling it that as to not incur the wrath of this demonic idol. He also explained that every year around this time people showered the tree with gifts which were given to poor families and kids. This all sounded well and good to me but as a cynic I knew the truth. These terrified people were giving these gifts so the tree would not eat the souls of their children. I have watched enough movies to know a good sacrifice when I see one, and I also know that there has to be someone to help the poor villagers..........and that someone was me. I eagerly downed the last drop of my Tim Horton's French vanilla and marched up to this monstrous pine cone, staring it right in it's evil eyes I threw my empty cup at him and screamed "There's your sacrifice, now go back to your woods and leave these families alone."

All around me people stood shocked, their mouths wide open over what they had just seen. "Don't worry, your safe now, this giant tree will harm you no more" I said to them, and just then it hit me.........not an epiphany but a large gift, a box had come flying at me almost knocking me to the ground, when I turned around I see the tree staring a hole through me and smiling the evilest smile I had ever seen. This fight wasn't over, I would let him think he won but I would escape to the intermission to formulate my plan. I needed to destroy this so called Happy Tree, I figured the simplest way would be to destroy it would be to light it on fire but as I was purchasing a pack of matches to do just that a giant bear appeared next to me, this was no strange bear for I recognized the hat, and the uniform, and then he said his famous catchphrase "Only you can prevent forest fires" once again Smokey the Bear's calm nature had shown me the way, as I shook his paw and thanked him for his wisdom he said "Hey you gotta smoke to sell me." It turns out the Smokey the bear is some sketchy fifty year old guy, this was truly a weird day indeed.

Time was running out, I needed to find a way to cut this tree down to size, tear him limb from limb, a tree was gonna fall and everyone was gonna hear it. With my courage up I grabbed the closest Axe to me, and as the lady behind the counter screamed that I had to pay for that body wash I ran to meet my foe. I stormed down the escalators and and stormed into his evil village. This tree would find out that my bite was worse then his bark as I held noting back, I chopped and slashed with all my might and as he was rocking back and fourth I stopped, and in my best action hero voice said "Timber" and the mighty tree fell to the ground crushing all the presents that lay beside him. Turning around I couldn't wait to be embraced by all the thankful people that had felt the wrath of their cruel master, but to my surprise I had not gotten the reaction I expected. I turned to them and screamed "Your free now, your kids souls belong to them" and something about basking in my greatness, then it hit me......no not an epiphany this time either....a fist.........then another fist.........then a foot.........these villagers were attacking me, but why? I had saved them.

As it turns out there is such a thing as a Happy tree, and they really do donate gifts to poor families, or they did, when there was a gifts, and a tree. So the real answer to how I spent my Christmas, well it really was rather quiet, I didn't go out much mostly because of the people brandishing pitchforks and torches, though it did light up the street nicely, and my house even won the best Christmas lights contest. Also you'd be surprised how peaceful the sound of carolers throwing eggs at your house while they sing their Christmas carols can be, halfway through silver bells I was out like a baby. In case your wondering what became of the tree, well let's just say that I won't be able to get into my living room for a while.

You'd butter not pout

2011-12-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

Butter.....

We all take it for granted, we always just assume that it will be there when we open the refrigerator door, waiting to be added to things to make them more delicious; but what if you woke up one day and the butter was gone, what if you had to go from I can't believe it's not butter to I can't believe it's not there, melted away as if it was left in the heat too long. Now you probably think this could never happen in a million years.......or you could be from Norway and reading this crying into your own unbuttered popcorn. If your reading this and wondering what the hell I'm talking about A) you have never read this blog before and B) you haven't heard that Norway is apparently drastically low on butter.

Unlike the dairy product, word began spreading recently that there wasn't enough butter to meet the high demand of the low carb diet crazed Norwegians. I asked myself how could a place run out of butter? Have they followed the advice of Bart Simpson and they simply don't have cows man? But no apparently they do have cows, but apparently it rains a lot in Norway, and not just bullets either, actual rain which damages the feed quality, so for any of you wondering if cows are picky eaters, the answer is apparently yes.

It has gotten to the point where store owners are rationing butter, I assume taking diligent notes as there is a close margarine of error when it comes to who gets what and how much. It has gotten so bad butter is now the number one thing sold by drug dealers on the street corners of Oslo, the dealers get hounded by hungry people just waiting to have home cooked meals like they are used to. Police keep trying to crack down on the oleo pushers but they just cover themselves in it making it easier to slip through the cracks. Widespread panic has covered the land, people choking on dry unflavored popcorn, when one person suggested using peanut butter, he was chased with sticks and forced to live in Finland. Black metal radio stations play song after song about the dairy strife. The band Mayhem's song "The Devil steals your butter to rape babies" is now the number one song in the entire place.

I'm not one to overreact but this butter thing could be a scary situation. I mean think about it, Norway suffering from a lack of butter means not enough butter on baked potatoes, so they stopped eating them, all of a sudden Norway stops getting potatoes from Ireland causing another potato famine. No potatoes means no whiskey gets made, no whiskey means nobody getting as drunk as much. Less drunk people mean less dates for ugly people, which means less people having babies, sending the population into a sharp decline until all that is left are Cher and cockroaches. So this year for Christmas, do something special, buy an extra tub of butter, or you really fat people buy an extra extra tub of butter and send it to our Norwegian friends, and give them a Dairy Christmas.

Bear's Corner: Hi everyone, just a tip to all the hungry dogs out there, is it not time for feeding yet? are you hungry but don't want to spoil your supper? have a nice light snack of pillow stuffing or drywall........I find that a little nibble here and there keeps Mr. Hunger away. Until next time I'm Bear and that's my Paws for thought.

Jesus vs Santa Claus: Who's the real reason for the season

2011-12-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

Throughout the decades and decades of Christmas, one question has been the most topic of debate, who would win a fight between Santa Claus and Jesus H. Christ. Would Santa's (toy)sack be big enough to put Jesus away in a manger for good? Or would the holiest of holies pull out another miracle. Now Jesus hasn't had a battle since his epic encounter with the Easter bunny so there may be some ring rust, and well Santa is used to spending all year training for one important night, so it could be any man's match, let's go backstage to our celebrity interviewer Frosty the Snowman:

*camera pans to a puddle of water*

Ummm ladies and gentleman it appears the lights were too hot and Frosty has melted, it's unfortunate that such a historic night has already been marred by tragedy *sound of footsteps*

Santa: Well............well...........well..........*looks at puddle of water*where is your Jesus now? Christ man you walk around here like all these people owe you something, like your the all powerful one, like I don't have a chance. Do you really think these peasants respect you more then me, think again.............I mean hey at least I'm still allowed in their schools. I'm a smart man, I've done my homework on you big man, I've watched the tapes, I've taken notes, I've taken lists of your weaknesses and checked them twice, and tonight Santa Claus is coming to town, and I'm bringing a sack full of pain.

*Santa leaves and Jesus enters, walking on the water of poor departed Frosty*

Jesus: You know I am sick and tired of people thinking they are bigger then me, the Beatles did it and now I beat two of them in pool everyday, the Easter Bunny did it and he became a delicious stew, and now you Claus. You really wanna go ahead and play your reindeer games with me do you? Well my father created reindeer and I eat reindeer for breakfast. You say you have the elves and the reindeer in your corner, well I have the apostles at my side, even Judas, who has found me again after having that ludicrous Lady Gaga song dedicated to him. Do you hear that Nicholas? do you hear the people chanting? I just want you know that you have slid down the chimney into my house and *holds up fists* I've some milk and cookies for you right here, and these won't taste good rammed down your throat.

After the interviews are over and the introductions are made the two titans lock up and what occurs after is an epic encounter. The two battle pillar to post and just when it looks like Jesus is getting the upper hand all hell breaks loose. The pitter patter of hoofs is heard all throughout the arena as Santa Claus makes his famous call "ON DONNER, ON DASHER, ON COMET, ON BLITZEN...." and suddenly Jesus finds himself outnumbered as the reindeer led by Rudolph with his nose so bright back him into the corner. Suddenly reinforcements arrive in the form of Judas and the apostles and a full scale riot has broken out in the arena. In all the chaos Santa does the unthinkable, he rips the nose off Rudolph and shines it in the face of Jesus, blinding him. Jesus is stunned, swinging wildly he misses his punches but miraculously heals all the sick members of the front row. One of the healed, a tiny young boy named Tim hands Jesus his crutch as thanks, Jesus now seeing clearly cracks Santa over the head and pins the Jolly fat man for the 1........2............wait a minute the referee is hauled out by Santa's elves, this is travesty of justice.

As the elves stomp away on the savior another miracle has happened for here come the three wisemen, who apparently found the arena by the glow of all the pyrotechnics, well better late then never for Jesus, as the referee is distracted trying to stop all the chaos one of the wisemen spray Santa in the eyes with frankincense, Santa is left reeling as he turns to receive a shot with a bag of gold delivered by the second of the three wisemen. Unable to contain the chaos the referee has no choice but to throw the match out declaring it a no contest. Boos rain down from all over the arena at the decision, a near riot breaks out until Jesus manages to contain the crowd with bread and fish. Santa Claus is irate screaming at the referee that he will be getting a lump of coal, he gets in his sleigh to drive off however Rudolph without his nose so bright crashes into a wall.

Will there be a rematch, check back next year and see

A day in the life of Bear and Mika

2011-11-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Having a dog is a great deal of responsibility, it's like having a child only more fun and they won't ever grow up to talk back to you. I mean if it ever came down to adopting a dog or a child, the dog would win paws down, especially if it was up against one of those Unicef children, I mean sure in both commercials the dogs and the children look sad but at least the dogs look clean. Anywho, my roomate Jeff and I both have young dogs, and since we work a lot of hours we often to have to leave them in the kennels for extended periods of time, they accept their fate, content to go in there with their chew toys and sleep the day away until they it's time for their freedom. I always wonder what they are up to when we are gone, and if they could talk what would they talk about? Perhaps it would be something like this.

Bear: Psst.............pssst........Mika..............you awake?

Mika: I am now, what do you want?

Bear: What did you get today?

Mika: Tire, you?

Bear: Tennis ball?

Mika: Sweet, how does it taste today?

Bear: Good, not as good as the stuffing from the pillow, but good?

Mika: Oh man that's the good stuff, I loves me some stuffing

Bear: Agreed *sigh*

Mika: Dude, what's the matter?

Bear: Did you ever wonder what it all means?

Mika: What does what mean?

Bear: Life, what are we here for? Are you listening to me?

Mika: Sorry I was sniffing my butt, isn't it great that we can do that and our dad's can't?

Bear: Yeah it totally is, but we should be worried about more then our butts, I mean in this age of socioeconomic turmoil, where democracies are crumbling and foreclosures are rampant, how are we supposed to feel good about the future?

Mika: You have got to stop watching CNN

Bear: What's CNN?

Mika: You know on television

Bear: What's television?

Mika: The big black thing we see those two dogs that look like us in sometimes

Bear: Oh yeah, I hate those dogs, who do they think they are?

Mika: I don't know, the one who looks like me is cute, the one who looks like you is just fat

Bear: I told you stop with the fat jokes, I'd bite you so hard if I could get over there now

Mika: You don't have the balls

Bear: I TOLD YOU THEY WERE CUT OUT, THAT'S IT YOUR GONNA GET IT WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Mika: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF.......wait we gotta be good our dad's won't like hearing we were barking so much, we cool bro?

Bear: Yeah we're cool

Mika: Anyway, to answer your question, the humans are a resilient people, sure they fight each other for territory and resources, but they always persevere, they will pull through like they always do, now as to your point about economic turmoil, it is just a down period, what is known as a recession, as the population grows and the resources dwindle it becomes harder for the supply to meet the demand, and the economy goes into a tailspin, it's a vicious cycle and I personally blame the fact that there is a black man in office.

Bear: Do you have to be so racist? Besides how do you know he is black? We can't even see colors

Mika: Oh yeah, guess I must have heard it somewhere

Bear: Do you think if things get too bad, they will run out of food and have to eat us?

Mika: Nah, I can't see that happening, why eat dog when you can eat those hamburger things?

Bear: I hear they eat dogs in Korea

Mika: Dude, that's not true, Korean's don't even exist, besides I don't think people will ever run out of food, I've seen a lot of big people lately, I don't know who slobbers more, me or them.

Bear: Yeah I guess your right, thanks for the talk, we should probably sleep till our dad's get home

Mika: You can sleep, I've got crotch to lick

Bear: Just don't get your tongue stuck there like you did yesterday

Mika: You never going to let me live that down are you?

Bear: Nope *gasp* I think one of our dad's is coming, quick pretend like we can't talk

Mika: We can't talk, your dad made all this up

Bear: Really? Why would he do that? Is there something wrong with him?

Mika: There might be, but he gives good belly rubs so it's ok

Bear: Agreed, well I'm going to sleep, talk to you later

Mika: You mean NOT talk to me later right *wink*

Bear: Oh right, *wink wink*

That's news to me

2011-10-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, I haven't been on here in a while, I took a trip to lovely British Columbia to stay in the Fortress of Verisimilitude, I saw wondrous things there such as a patent for the question mark, and did you know there is such a thing as a semi-colon?(tm HTWAVCBH). British Columbia is a beautiful province, even if you get the feeling that a Bruce Lee movie is gonna break out any second, but far be it from me to speak ill of a province where the Tim Horton's all have English Toffee, and I also discovered the wonder that is a pumpkin scone, but more on that in the future. While I was away I managed to keep up on some of the news that is going on at home, and around the globe, here are some things that caught my eye, and since I have a wonky right eye, you know they are important. Oh, and before I forget, to the WestJet worker who stole my brother's video camera on his trip home, I hope you get herpes, actually I hope you get the next worse thing from herpes, super herpes.

It seems the popular thing to do is occupy places, it started off with Wall Street, and now it seems everybody is taking up space. Here in Newfoundland it is no different, as a group of protesters who strangely enough already live in St. John's held an occupy St. John's protest. Organizers were thrilled at the turnout until they discovered that the majority of people were just there to try and find the last treasure map for the Hits 99 ten thousand dollar radio contest.

While I was away our province went to the polls and voted in majority favor for the status quo. There are not many places in the world that have a woman in charge, and with Kathy Dunderdale Newfoundland is pretty darn close to being on that list. I was surprised the New Democratic Party only got five seats, I guess their wave of momentum has ended, they should have done what I suggested and changed their party slogan to "NDP: Jack Layton." The Liberal party finished second with six seats, which really shows you how the mighty have fallen, I mean even most vans can fit six people these days, so it should be good when they have to carpool. The plus being that it's good for the environment, the negative being if the van broke down the house would have to be closed because there would be no opposition. Whatever happened to the powerhouse Liberals of back in the day? Brian Tobin ruled with an iron fist, and never let anything get in his way, a principle his son carried on to more disastrous results.

A few weeks ago a woman was murdered in the capitol city after a dispute with her boyfriend, now murder is still pretty rare in our neck of the woods, but this makes three I think in the past year. Police officials are asking people not to panic, they are working hard to maintain peace and order and get the crime rate down. They say it will be easier when their best detective Jake is done filming his television show.

Looking now across Canada, or at least across the street which is as far as I can see out the window, when I was in British Columbia there was a story of a young man killed while trying to break up a fight. The suspect was described as a tall black male................95 percent of the NBA is being held for questioning.

In local sports news, our new AHL team the Ice Caps are off to a strong start in their rookie season. Rumor has it if they keep winning they will change their name to the IceCaps Supreme, okay that's a Canadian joke, my readers in Poland ( I checked the stats, there is one, and I figure there is only one computer in Poland so that makes me huge over there) probably wouldn't get it but I will risk it.

That's all the news for this week, to end this report, I offer to you the "readers" of this diary a viewer feedback question: Is it weird when people who have dealt with stalkers want people to follow them on twitter?(TM HTWAVCBH) Just something to think about, email me your thoughts at fgm1002@gmail.com

Fishing for Trouble

2011-09-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

If there is one topic I don't know a lot about it's politics......and math...........and women...........and nuclear fission, but I know a shady situation when I see one, and a lot of times politicians are shadier then an elm tree on a hot sunny day. I know the life of a politician isn't always easy, you have this person complaining, that person complaining, having to rob Peter to give to Paul and constantly being under a microscope. The fact that they live under that giant microscope should be enough to make them stop doing dumb things, or at least hide them better. I know the urges are there, after months of campaigning and begging for money like a homeless person outside a Tim Horton's, you finally won, you get control, and the first days in office your giddier then a female when an Adele song comes on the radio, and nothing can stop you only yourself.

Introducing Peter MacKay, Canada's national minister of defence. Did you know that he was once voted Canada's sexiest Member of Parliament from 1999-2007 and again in 2009? Which would be impressive, only have you seen some of the Canadian members of parliament, most of the Parliament members have more rolls then a bakery. Mr. MacKay enjoys two things, fishing and getting out of places fast, so it would make only perfect sense that on a fishing trip last year in Gander he called a search and rescue mission helicopter to come pick him up. Now it's understandable that when somebody is in Gander they want to get out of there as fast as possible, but this seems to be a bit extravagant to me. Newfoundland and Labrador only has 3 search and rescue helicopters, and one of them is remote controlled, so it could have been bad if there had been a real emergency.

Now if you know anything about Peter MacKay's political history, you know he has no trouble riding things he shouldn't *cough*Belinda Stronach* just because he can so it's no surprise that he should use taxpayers money to get from point A to point B. The department of defense in all their wisdom retorted that Peter McKay was just volunteering to be in a training run of the search and rescue mission, which is all well and good only for the exercise was scheduled by his own department and I don't think training exercises work IF THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. Their story had more holes in then this blog has sentence fragments. Maybe other ministers could follow his lead, the minister of Finance could have banks give him money just to see how they sort out transactions. Perhaps the minister of Fisheries could give fishermen less days to fish as an exercise to see how they can eke out a living.....oh wait that happened already.

As I mentioned before, if there had been a real emergency it could have been a sticky situation. Imagine if a boat was stranded at sea, they put in an SOS call but they are told to hang tight cause the minister of defense caught a beaut of a salmon and it has to keep. Apparently it costs around $32, 232 to operate on a Cormorant helicopter for one hour, which is roughly what takes these days to fill up an SUV on gas or buy one concert ticket at Mile One stadium. So the next time your out fishing, and you need to get home whether you left the stove on and your wife is not the kitchen where she should be to turn it off, or your being attacked by a rampant coyote, call the search and rescue team, just hope they don't send the remote control one.

Scarlett Fever

2011-09-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Scarlett Johansson......

The mere mention of that name sends tremors through the loins of the majority of the world's male population. It doesn't matter if your straight, homosexual, bi-sexual or even Republican, there is not a man on this earth who wouldn't tell you she is incredibly attractive. That is why the internet nearly exploded a couple of days ago when someone finally hacked into her personal life revealing photos that she obviously didn't want to be revealed......and the internet rejoiced. It is reported that for the first time in years the World of Warcraft games were virtually deserted, leaving only tumbleweeds roaming through the vast universe. On an unrelated note, congratulations to tumbleweeds for finishing and winning the whole World of Warcraft game.

Johansson was obviously upset, but what did she expect, after all one person's boob picture is another man's treasure; and if a hacker who has the resources even gets a whiff that there is a hint of a possibility of seeing a boob online they are gonna go after it. After all picture boobs make up 98 percent of all their boob contact so they are gonna be drawn to it like a moth to a flame, or Tiger Woods to any woman but his wife(admittedly the Tiger jokes are old now that the only thing higher then is mistress count is his golf score). She should have known that eventually these pictures would come out, that's why God created a delete button(would Helen Keller be the mute button?) so things like this wouldn't get out. If anyone should know the perils of technology it should be an actress in the talking picture business where someone can see you on the big screen, punch a couple of buttons and immediately know almost everything there is to know about you.

In this TMZ age of TMI I don't understand how these celebrities are not more careful. It seems every other week there is another cellphone hacking or some tape that just happened to be discovered. There were apparently pictures of Rihanna leaked, which at least made up for her terrible music, then the other day I thought stumbled across the Paris Hilton tape, One night in Paris, turns out it was the old Fox network alien autopsy show. You never hear of anything like this happening to Megan Fox, you never see any tawdry pictures of her hit the internet, no she prefers to save all her embarrassment into marrying the nerdy guy from Beverly Hills 90210. Sure Megan Fox may have the emotional range and charisma of Astro Boy, but that doesn't mean that the demand is any less to see revealing photos. In fact, I would bet that the team of people trying to hack into that phone outnumbers the number of doctors trying to find a cure for cancer.

In closing, I did see the pictures, but only to maintain journalistic integrity, and I was only on the website to get directions on how to get away from the website. At first I was shocked and angry that someone would invade her privacy like that, and rest assured when I found out the person's name I wrote him a very angry card, just because it was attached to a fruit basket doesn't mean the words will sting any less. I also thought of how far technology has come, and how it's not necessarily good for the world, but in the end it comes down to this, it is because of technology that Justin Bieber is popular, so eventually something good had to happen to balance out that horror.

**Note** all facts are checked by my bearded sidekick, even though his catchphrase "That's a fact Jack" is getting annoying, moreso because he knows my name is not Jack.

Moose on the Juice

2011-09-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

There's an old saying that goes animals are people too, well it's either an old saying or I made it up, either one is very possible. Anywho this statement makes a lot of sense to me, most days Bear has more of a personality then I do, and you should see him drive.........if any law enforcement are reading this I meant driving as in playing golf. I mean if you hit an animal does it not cry, if you cut it does it not bleed, if you cook it does it not taste delicious. It seems to me the more time animals spend around humans the easier it is to pick up their habits, whether good or bad. No where is this more true then in Sweden, home of, hands down, the most entertaining moose on the planet. News outlets everywhere reported the other day the story of an errand moose who had eaten one too many fermented apples, possibly after a hard day at the office, and stumbled it's way into a tree, getting stuck in the process. Hey at least it hit a tree and survive, Ryan Dunn couldn't do that.

I think what led to the drunken downfall of the moose was that he forgot the key differences in apple products, clearly forgetting that if it's clear and yella you got juice their fella, and if it's dark and brown your in cider town, now of course here in Canada the whole thing is flip flopped. The moose was discovered by a man just returning home from work after he heard a loud bellowing coming from next door, and at first dismissed it as "someone having a laugh." Now I know not many people care for their neighbors and all but if I was reading a story and saw that my neighbor had said that I sounded like a moose, he'd be drinking too, a pint of my right first followed by a chaser of good ole lefty here.

Police were called to the scene, as the fire dept was only equipped to get cats out of trees apparently, upon their arrival and along with several people, they worked on freeing the massive beast, all the while getting yelled at by the moose to not judge him, and that the people didn't know him, and that he could pull a rabbit out of his hat. Upon freedom from the tree, the police were preparing to issue a breathalyzer test, but they assumed he was pretty drunk after he collapsed like some drunken frat boy after a toga party............do they even still have toga parties any more.............hehehe moose in a toga, oh come on you were thinking it. The moose was ordered to spend a night in the drunk tank, which I'm guessing either didn't really help the other drunks to sober up or REALLY helped them to sober up and fast.

The moose was also charged with a DUI( deer under the influence) and was ordered to start attending AA(appleholics anonymous). The trial is expected to be quite the spectacle in Sweden, as have you ever seen a moose trapped inside, it's not pretty, especially if there are representatives from MADD (mooses against drunk deer). I know the moose is sorrowful, and you can see the embarrassment on his face, but to the moose I say keep your chin up, no matter how bad it looked or how bad the hangover, you never looked as bad as this:

Toeing the line

2011-09-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

Feet, we all have them(or unfortunately used to have them) unless your one of those rare no feet babies that were born, in which case I make no apologies for rubbing in the fact that I was born with two working feet, what are you gonna do about it? It's not like you can stand up for yourself. It seems like everywhere I turned this week there were stories about feet, so if your one of those people that really enjoy the foot, I hope you will be satisfied, cause this one is for all you pediphiles out there.

*Note-these are not the actual headline titles, but they would be if I controlled the media............soon...........very soon*

Who needs toes when you have Massive Balls

We all take our toes for granted, it's not like we wake up everyday, look down and say "Ahhhhh, there they are, all the little piggies still in a row." In fact if you do do this you've probably never seen the toes or any other body part of the opposite gender, OR you've had something slipped in your drink, like time I left my tea unattended at work, in case your wondering how many times you can count your toes before you come down off something, the answer is 546.......and a half. You know who doesn't take his toes for granted, Jon Hutt, a 61 year old man from Colorado, who while gathering firewood had a 7 ton trailer fall on his foot. Now this is pain I can't imagine........and I once imagined a moose sticking his head through my window and saying hello to me in French(was actually a dream, but it's all imagination). Hutt did what most people would do, and scream uncontrollably for help, but after a half hour he realized that no one could hear him and Lassie probably wasn't coming so he said screw this and took out his trusty pocket knife. He then proceeded to slaughter everyone of the little piggies until his foot was free, he went on to say that getting through the smaller toes was easy, but it was difficult to get through the tendons of the big toes.............and the knife had started to get dull. I hate cutting chicken at work with a dull knife, let alone setting it lose on my feet, plus I have massive big toes, I mean they would require a crosscut saw to get those things off. Not only did he cut his toes off, he PROCEEDED TO DRIVE THE SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER UNTIL HE COULD GET HELP. McDonald's restaurants have now closed their playpens because they do not have as much balls as this man. So the next time you think to yourself "Old people are useless.......look at them sitting there all wrinkly" look down at your feet and your working toes, you couldn't do what he did.....pansies.

You know what they say about a province with Big Feet

So apparently there's a Bigfoot in Alberta, not just one, but like 40 or 50 of them, so if your scoring at home that means the population of Alberta is 90 percent Newfoundlanders, 7 percent Bigfoot, and 3 percent Albertans. This comes from a man named Todd Standing, who may be a liar as I believe he was sitting down during the interview, who says he has photographic proof that there are Big Feet in Alberta. Now having never seen a Samsquanch(trademark Bubbles) outside of the brutally sad side mission of Undead Nightmare, I am highly skeptical as I am with most things. I mean it could be any number of things, maybe he meant the old Big Foot candies, maybe it was a Polish woman he saw, or maybe he's just trying for attention. I do know one thing, we might not see a Bigfoot, but with all the claims of crackpot that are going to be coming in we are gonna see a lot of Todd Standing up for himself.

8 feet by.......WTF

Police in Vancouver were called to a Marina on Tuesday after a severed foot and parts of a legbone, still in running shoe, were discovered floating in the water. This is the eighth foot that has washed up on the BC shore since 2007. I guess a cop being on foot patrol in BC has a totally different meaning from everywhere else. Eight feet is a lot of feet, to put it in perspective, if it were an octopus it would just be a pus now. In total 11 feet have been recovered from the Pacific Northwest, I'm not sure where 2 of them were but I think another was recovered from Roberto Luongo's mouth after the Stanley cup playoffs. Police are baffled by the continued appearance of random feet, and are disappointed they can't even get a good matching pair of shoes, with one officer saying "I have 5 kids, why buy sneakers when a perfectly good pair might wash up someday.....sure it would be weird coming from a severed foot but Febreeze will take that right out" I have every confidence the police will but their best food forward, I just hope it's not a shark doing it, good luck putting the cuffs on that.

*Update-the Police have set up a hotline for any knowledge people my have, if your calling about the missing feet, talk to Jody (I know of two people who will get that reference)

The war on bugs

2011-08-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to forecast doom or overreact to things, but I fear the apocalypse is upon us. First sign is the string of tornadoes, floods, and hurricanes that have hit North America and the world in recent years, I mean take this weekend, the only thing that blows harder then the wind in the United States right now is their economy. Secondly, we lost Trustache, yet nothing has happened to Stephen Harper, here's hoping he at least gets a hangnail or something. Thirdly, God has decided to move to the next stage of the apocalypse by sending a horde of locusts upon our province, only I guess he had no locusts left so he unleashed the only thing he could find.........daddy long legs. For those of you who haven't seen a daddy longs legs, they are like mosquitoes on steroids, and if the hundreds that reside in my backyard are any indication, they have no problem with getting in your face.

Well I say enough is enough and it's time for some change, as my roommate Jeff, our two dogs, and I have decided it's time to fight back. We are declaring beehad on every pest that we see in our back yard, that goes for every daddy long legs, spider, moth, mosquito, or neighbor that crosses our path. When I say beehad I mean it, I will post videos on the internet of me holding a magnifying glass over a daddy long legs if it will show the insolent bugs that I mean business. Now despite my appearance I am no fool, I know the bugs are smart, and I know they will adapt. I needed to study up on my enemy, I watched everything I could, the discovery channel, National Geographic, the National Spelling Bee, Seinfeld..........okay that had nothing to do with bugs but it was the Soup Nazi episode. I now feel I am prepared to take on all intruders, I have seen A Bug's Life, and now I will see a bug's life taken.

I don't know when or how this war started, for years the bugs, Jeff and I have co-existed well enough, we avoided each other mostly, sure there were some bites and some kills but other then that things went swimmingly. Then when I got Bear and Jeff got Mika and we started delving deeper into the back yard all of a sudden the daddy longs swarmed on mass. Also, I'm not sure what made the moths so vicious this year, but on a nightly basis we were getting attacked by moths not unlike Mothra in their size and ferocity. We have since gone dark(meaning we turned the porch light off) and ever since they have not been able to find us, but I know they are up there somewhere, watching.......waiting.

I don't know when this war will end(actually I do, stupid weak bugs and their inability to handle cold) all I know is I'm tired to scratching like a heroin addict, and Bear is getting really sick of the camouflage paint I put on him . Blood has been spilled on both sides, the bugs bite harder then that Vampires Suck movie, and I smack harder then Ike Turner, and I shall not rests until I eliminate all the pests.

Dream Cleaver

2011-08-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I had that dream again, it always starts the same, I wake up not in my bed but on a cold plastic surface, bound by string. I struggle but it does me no good for if anybody that has used this string knows it is impenetrable, if somebody has you tied up in it, they don't want you to get free. I'm disoriented at first, can't get my bearings, everything looks familiar yet different, all around me I see cold metallic gray objects, then I hear the same complaint that an oven is not working and it hits me, I'm at work. I think to myself okay it's work, I spend more time here then I do home I can escape this easily, I'll just roll off the line and dodge those giant chickens and slide out the back..........wait what.............giant chickens.

I look up to see a giant chicken approaching me, older then the young chickens we usually serve but still pink enough that the customer will complain, what does he have in his claw I wonder, uh oh, that's a chicken knife, I knew this day would come, my day of reckoning, when these chickens would fly the coup, rise up and avenge the loss of their brethren, there's nothing I can do now. The knife comes closer, I think I hear the chicken laughing, or is it Bogey, maybe he can help, or do they have him too? I'M COMING BOGEY I try to scream but nothing comes out. The knife is even closer now, but he stops, why did he stop? He appears to be angrily clucking at one of the female chickens outside the line. The female chicken keeps tapping a roll on the line, rap tap tapping on the line to show how hard it is, I don't get it as they are chickens I didn't think they would be fussy as to what they ate but I have bigger problems.

My confusion turns again to fear as the large chicken once again yields the blade and lowers it again ever slowly, obviously savoring this moment. I start to sweat, wait that's not sweat, then why is my face getting wet? I awake to find bear over top of me, it's time to go out apparently, phew I was just dreaming, I have dodged another bullet.

It's always the same dream, over and over, physically the chicken cannot do much, but psychologically it can drive a person insane. My thoughts are as disjointed as a person with rickets, sleep is now like a sane Mel Gibson interview, few and far between, but I keep pushing on, fighting the good fight as it were, eliminating every foul creature I can till I reach the big chicken drawer in the sky, if I go in that direction, knowing my luck God is a member of PETA, and is against this raging Foulocaust that occurs every year in our many many convenient locations. Friends and family, and even rapper Nelly have tried to tell me that it's only just a dream, but seriously you try and sleep when you close your eyes and all you see is this:

French(fried) kiss of Death

2011-05-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

Sad news in the food world this weekend, as food giant(not an actual giant, reports are he was only average height) Wallace McCain, co-founder of McCain foods died this weekend. Details are yet to be hashed(browns) 0ut but it appears McCain died after succumbing to a long battle with pancreatic cancer. On a site note, isn't the pancreas a jerk, you barely know it's there, no one pays attention to it until BOOM, doctor says "Sir I'm sorry you have cancer, it's in your pancreas" and your all like "Cancer?" and "Pancreas?". McCain is remembered fondly by colleagues and customers of his fine food, though some felt he deserved what he had coming to him for unleashing that annoying slow eating french fry kid, yeah, you all remember him, who didn't hate that kid?

McCain foods was created in 1956 when Wallace and his brother Harrison in search of ways to make money traveled to Ireland and stole their potatoes. It wasn't their intention to steal all the potatoes but after Wallace had taken one his brother bet him that he couldn't steal just one and before they knew it they had all the potatoes. Not knowing what to do next they decided to eat the evidence, it was a slow process, so they decided to share their new found bounty with the rest of the world and created McCain french fries. As time went on and business grew McCain began to develop a chip on his shoulder, yet through all his success he lived a straight(cut) life, he had not a care in world, that is until life decided to grab him by the old short and curly fries.

Not satisfied with just unleashing greasy delicious fries onto the world, McCain became chairman of Maple Leaf foods, cause if your trying to drive up the cholesterol levels of Canadians, you need meat of some kind. When I saw that he was chairman of Maple Leaf Foods I thought "Bologna", no way he was time to be involved in two major companies like that. Truly it must have driven a wedge(fry) between him and his family, but no apparently his family life was solid, which makes him a real wiener in my books.

McCain's responded to the sad news by replacing those happy face fries you get sometimes with sad face fries for a limited time only. Wallace McCain lived a fine life, even when sick he put on a brave face, but then the crinkles started to appear in his armor, until eventually he was hanging on by his shoestrings, and then passed peacefully away. No word on his funeral arrangements, but I assume he will be cremated, his ashes then put into a french fry bag, which will be rolled up and put in the back of the freezer until the family needs to see it. God Speed Wallace McCain, thanks for contributing to my fatness for many years.

Electile Dysfunction

2011-05-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Oh Canada, I love ya and all but Stephen Harper...........again.......really. Only in Canada could a man be told flat out that he wasn't fit to run the government, forced to call an election, and then get voted back in with a majority government, a majority government mind you that he didn't have the first time he ran. I wanted to write this earlier, before the election happened, but work and being too jaded in our political system got in the way, so I'm going to do something special, I'm going to dust off the old time machine (oh yeah there's a time machine) and set it for this past weekend...........and away we gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well I made it, it's now Saturday, two days before the election and it has all the excitement of the world championship of curling (apologies to those two old people that still like curling). I'm surfing through all the channels to see if I can get any last minute info on how the campaigns are going, hey look it's a piece on Osama Bin Laden, I wonder if they will ever catch that guy.......nah probably not. Well I'm not finding much information so I'm just gonna go ahead and discuss all three candidates. Now admittedly I don't know too much about the politicians, or their platforms, but much like our esteemed government officials, I've never let not knowing the facts get in the way of pretending to know what I'm talking about. So now lets put our feet up, I'm gonna grab a cookie (I'm hoping eating this cookie doesn't drastically alter the future, and something crazy like the NDP becoming the opposition happens..........nah never happen), and lets look at all the candidates:

Stephen Harper: This was the most recent picture I could find of Mr. Harper, the man that everyone is projecting will remain as our prime minister. I have yet to see one Conservative commercial that didn't attack Micheal Ignatieff, I mean is it really necessary, the Liberal party has done a great job of making people hate them in the past, and can blow it on their own, they don't really need the constant bombardment of hate from the Conservative party too. I believe that Mr. Harper has taken some flack for not letting "regular people" attend his rallies, but the joke is on him, someone has to sweep up after he leaves, HA score one for Joe Lunch pail. I can't predict the future but I don't see Harper losing, and Canadians can be complacent, sure the tax on beer might be higher but as long as it's cold we're good, and they prefer to stick with the devil they know instead of the devil they don't.

Micheal Ignatieff: Jean Chretian couldn't do it, Paul Martin couldn't do it, Stephane Dion most likely did it but we didn't understand a word he said, but it looks like Micheal Ignatieff is the man who will bring the Liberal party to whatever the opposite of glory is. I heard so much about Ignatieff being away in America that I wasn't quite sure if he was born a Canadian or not, so I reached out to Donald Trump to find out, but he is at some presidential correspondent's dinner, oh well I'm sure he'll blend in, and no one will make fun of him. I give credit to Ignatieff though, he's done the near impossible and made the NDP seem relevent, as a matter of fact Jack Layton's new campaign slogan is "See....we're not so bad after all." Speaking of Jack Layton

Jack Layton: well I'll be jiggered, it looks the little party that could, actually might this time as they are neck and neck with the Liberal party. It appears Jack Layton is rubbing some people the wrong way, so they released a story of him.......umm getting rubbed the wrong way. This is why I don't care for politics, the NDP finally comes out of nowhere to be in a position where people stop bending over from laughter at them and stand up to take notice, and then it so happens this ex cop remembers a time he saw Jack Layton laying naked on a massage table. Now I know horrible images are burned into your head, I remember the time I accidentally clicked on a picture of Rosie O'Donnell naked (I won't go into graphic detail but let's say I felt like captain Ahab when he found his white whale) but it's rather convenient that he just so happen to remember it the weekend of the election. I bet when Stephen Harper heard this he put down whatever baby he was eating and laughed heartily. Okay I can't stay in the past any longer, should I have one more cookie before I go, not like it's gonna drastically change the future or anything, and away I goooooooooooooo.

Geez, I eat one extra cookie in the past and Osama Bin Laden gets killed, let that be a lesson kids, junk food can help you do anything. So as I predicted when I totally went back in time in a situation that really happened it looks like Stephen Harper will take the throne again. Who knows what the next four years will bring. Will Harper rule with an iron fist? who will step up to take down the Conservative government? personally I think there is only one man for the job, we have to follow the lead of the Americans and endorse a charismatic black man. Coach Cuddles Ford will tell you we believed in Yes We can before a young Barack Obama swept the hearts of all he met.

So in typical Canadian fashion, it's out with the old and......back in with the old. There are pills you can take the fight electile dysfunction, but consult a doctor or psychiatrist if the government lasts more the four years.

Hot dog we have a wiener

2011-03-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

Well it's official, the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Everyday we see reports of earthquakes, devastation, murder, assault, and now perhaps the worst of them all, wiener theft. I know what your probably thinking, and no Lorena Bobbitt is not on the loose again, but it's the story of two men charged with break and enter in Peterborough, Ont. As the story goes, two young men broke into an apartment, and by broke in I mean walked through an unlocked door, stealing an estimated (and whopping) 304 dollars worth of items, including the holy grail of all stolen items, a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs. Other items included a Playstation 3, some video games, and a can of blueberry juice, cause if your in the business of stealing hot dogs, then be smart enough to steal something to wash it down with, that's just common sense.

I feel bad for the victim, imagine him or her just coming home from a day at work, and thinking to themselves "hey, I think I'll play a video game, let's pop in God of war..........hey all my games are gone, that's weird. That's okay I still have a game in my Ps3 I'll just play that one.....wait a minute my Ps3 is gone, oh man, and someone's been sleeping in my bed." Okay so that last part was from Goldilocks and the three bears but you get the idea. What would possible compel these two utes (Joe Pesci represent) to steal a pack of chicken flavored hot dogs? I mean has anybody tasted those things? all the stolen cans of blueberry juice in the world can't wash the taste of that horrid food out of your mouth. Truly when these young men go to trial, the judge will not need to hand down a sentence for the taste of those things alone will be punishment enough.

If I could be Frank for a minute (actually I can be Frank all the time) when I saw this story I said to myself "self, I relish the chance to write about this". Its an intriguing crime story about two petty criminals who couldn't cut the mustard in major crimes, so they started small, hoping the police couldn't ketchup to them. These two brats are the wurst kind of people, because they start so small and petty, starting with apartments, then moving up to mayo clinics, then start putting their buns on the line, and into major break and entries. So if your reading this, go check your freezer now, don't be left in the cold, for the supper that you thought was there may be in the hands of evil doers, people who no concern for the appetites of others, I mean the polite thing to do would have been to keep the hot dogs, and steal two hot dog buns, so there is finally a good hot dog bun to hot dog ratio.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, poverty, The Jersey Shore, the world is full of terrible things, it's bad enough we live in a world that would allow the atrocity of chicken wieners, do we really have to steal them from one another?

This just in: Radio contest crumbles Newfoundland's economy

2011-03-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Unless you have been living under a K-rock lately you have probably heard about the new contest from classic rock station K-rock in which they have released a five dollar bill into the city. What's so special about this five dollar bill you ask, well if you have the matching serial number, in which a different character is announced on the air each day, you win a car. This is certainly a unique contest, and the brass at K-rock were probably betting on participation being high, but thus far the contest as had results they couldn't have dreamed of, as people throughout the city are now terrified of spending five dollar bills, sending our economy into a tailspin. Not since someone caught the last codfish in the nineties has there been such worry about the economy, all the years of struggle to find oil, all the fight to make us a have province, wiped out in the single announcement of the first serial number character.

Throughout the city businesses and employees alike are all feeling the pinch, with many stores struggling to keep five dollar bills and to keep their registers balanced, forcing them to be bailed out more then the old canoe I built when I was seven, that had more holes in it then a Charlie Sheen police statement. Since the announcement of the Find the Five contest line-ups at Tim Horton's have also been affected, while they always long, now more people are using debit, causing an increase in passive aggressive complaining and small scale riots in some locations. Since no one cares about our new boring as Melba toast premier reporters sought the opinion of former premier Danny Williams, as always he was passionate, he yelled, and that was just when he was asked how his retirement was going.

The people most affected by the Find the Five contest were the girls who work the local St. John's strip clubs. In order to find out just how much this contest has ruined their lives I did extensive research, I researched for hours(purely for science) and some of the results were startling. When asked how this contest affected them one girl showed me a number of circular welts and bruises, when I asked what caused all of them she responded by simply saying "toonies". Yes it appears that men who visited the club were so reluctant to part with five dollar bills that they just started hurling toonies at the girls on stage. The girl added this plea "please don't throw loonies or toonies at us, those coins hurt, I mean sure my dad used to do the same thing, but he used to heat them up before he threw them, so he could show me how much he loved me." The girl added terrifying examples of some the other stripper injuries that have occurred, such as girls being struck in the eye, or in one case being pelted so much that a girl fell off stage sending her into labor prematurely.

City officials have begun taking the appropriate measures, sending the price of gas through the roof, in an attempt to make sure no one has any five dollar bills left anyway. Luckily I don't have a car, and the price of sneakers is holding steady so I'm fortunate there. I'm also fortunate that I make my own five dollar bills so I have an endless supply, it should take a few days to get all the numbers revealed so I will sit and play the waiting game, even if it sucks and I'd rather play hungry hungry hippos. I think it would be funny if the five dollar bill ends up on the mainland or somewhere remote where they barely speak English like Labrador. God help us if it winds up in Quebec because we all know how long it took to get Churchill Falls back, we'd never see the five dollars again. So to the person who wins the car, congratulations in advance on being such a tightwad, and I hope you enjoy your car when your driving past all the abandoned stores.

P.S. I typed this whole post on my blackberry while in line at Tim Horton's, and I'm not even out of the porch yet, thanks K-rock.

Now I've Sheen everything

2011-03-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

Unless you have been living under a rock lately, you may have noticed that Charlie Sheen has gone off the deep end, or wanted people to think he's gone off the deep end, and people are falling for it hooker, line(of coke), and sinker. There is a Puff Daddy song, one of the ones that isn't sad about Notorious B.I.G. dying(although he was in the song so I guess he was still sad) that says the more money we got, the more problems we see, and these past few years we have seen a lot of this in Hollywood. Before Lindsay Lohan discovered she enjoyed stealing things(allegedly) she was a pretty good actress(allegedly) until someone at a party whispered "hey, try this" and handed her some drugs, and she decided if she liked one drug, she must like them all. Then there is Mel Gibson, one of the biggest movie stars of the eighties and nineties, he made so much money that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life, and like most people when they are bored he decided to take it out on the Jewish people and African Americans, also taking the time to go all cold war on his Russian ex-wife.

Now it's Charlie Sheen's turn, and boy is he making the most of it. When he is not seen in the company of black eyed hookers, he can often be seen gracing any number of television "entertainment" news show or gossip show. It is getting repetitive at this point, he likes to party, he likes drugs, he likes to use porn stars as pinatas when he's on drugs, what about the more serious stuff like killing his half brother Emilio Estevez, I mean it's been years since we've seen him, how else do you explain it? I mean sure, everyone is listening, anticipating the next whimsical thing he's gonna say, the internet abuzz over what will be the next meme created by something he says. It's not an accomplishment to become a big star on the internet, Justin Bieber did it by having a lousy haircut, hell Chuck Norris became popular again because of the internet and he didn't do anything......well besides roundhouse kick a computer and create the whole internet.

For once I want to see a somewhat normal celebrity go bonkers, someone no one would expect. How about George Clooney, why can't he go on a bender, rant about how he actually hates the Haitians and wished that earthquake had wiped them out while having a couple of them stowed away in is trunk. How about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, what if something snapped in them and they adopted a white baby, or what about Joaquin Phoenix....wait a minute my roommate Jeff is trying to tell me something........what's that.........Letterman..............sat there...........big beard...........rap career.........ummm never mind, scratch that last example. Really what is Charlie Sheen gaining by all this press, sure he might have gained some fans, and some supporters but he's lost Two and half men, four and a half kids and lord knows how many friends and family because of his actions(RIP Emilio). People can say he's bi-polar, Sheen can say he's bi-winning, but I just wish everyone would just say bi to it all because frankly I've Sheen enough.

So if your reading this Charlie Sheen, I hope you do get well, and find peace, you had Major League talent once, one of the true Young Guns of Hollywood, but lately it must seem that things are hitting a Wall Street. I know it must seem like your career is heading for an Apocalypse Now, but you have the money to hire a Platoon of people to help you, at your say so there could be Men At Work helping you on the path to recovery. I don't know what you have to treat your life like a Scary Movie 4, just sit back, relax, grab a Three Musketeers, and focus on becoming one of the Hot Shots on television again, or instead of a happy ending your career could be facing a Red Dawn.

It always feels like somebody's watching me

2011-03-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched? has it ever felt like someone was snipping a piece of your hair while you weren't looking? If you live in eastern Canada you probably have, and according to Statistics Canada your not alone, if you think someone is watching you, your probably right. In a news article I read today it was reported by StatsCan that stalking is actually most common in the eastern part of the country, making up most of the 20,000 stalking reports in Canada last year. I chalk this up to our friendly nature, we just want to make sure that other people get home safely, and shower safely, and wear that nice perfume she wears when she goes to sleep......er I mean she sleeps safely.

Topping the list of most reported cases of criminal harassment is Prince Edward Island, which doesn't surprise me. I mean really, Prince Edward Island, you could walk across that province in like a day, so how can you not help but stalk somebody. What constitutes a stalker in PEI, a regular customer at Tim Horton's, how would that sound to the police? "He just comes in everyday, orders the same double double, how can he have the same thing everyday, can't you do anything officer?" And really what could be done to potential stalkers in PEI? file a restraining order, it could only be something like ten feet, any more then that they would be in Nova Scotia. Despite the bad press that could come out such a report, PEI has beat critics to the punch and embraced this news, with plans to change their tourism slogan from The Gentle Island to something more fitting, a few possibilities include:

-Prince Edward Island, more then our potatoes have eyes for you

-Prince Edward Island, hey where you going, how come you never called back, YOU CAN'T
RUN FOREVER

Prince Edward Island, we want to rape your face

Coming in last with the lowest number of stalking cases was Manitoba, apparently they are too busy killing each other outright to at least watch the person for a few days. It speaks to the patient, laid back nature of eastern Canadians that we don't get all stabby right away, not like the impulsiveness of those Western Canadians, when they want to behead a guy on the bus, they're going to do it, they don't care how many people are around. It's not surprising to me that Manitoba came in lowest, because do you know what they are also lowest in? trees, where could a wannabe Manitoban possibly hide, I mean there are more trees in Charlie Sheen's dresser drawer(though he calls them Charlie Sheen) then the whole province, so one would like kind of weird huddled behind a fire hydrant.

I have to say I'm disappointed in my fellow Newfoundlanders, I didn't even see us on the list, are we really gonna let ourselves lose to Prince Edward Island, we can do better then that as a province. So c'mon Newfoundland, get up off the couch, is there someone you fancy, let them know, send them cards saying you want to wear their skin as a hat. Do you often find yourself saying you can't stop staring at a person.....don't, keep staring, just make sure it's at a safe distance because if you do a good enough job it will be anyway. Make chloroform be your friend,what smells foul to some may smell like win to you. Take that guy who abducted the girl in town yesterday, he wouldn't take no for an answer, he just took the person saying no, where he went wrong was driving the girl to Long Harbor, I'd rather spend a day as Lindsay Lohan's parole officer then go to Long Harbor so you can't blame the girl for doing whatever she could to escape.

I kid of course, I don't condone stalking, personally it's way too much work, and I'm far too lazy to do it, and so if your like me, and do not have the time or energy it takes to show a person how you feel about them head this advice.........telescopes are for more then just star gazing.

Pipe Dreams: Overcoming my Mario Bros fueled rage

2011-03-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

To start off today I would like to give you a history lesson, the year was 1945, the Second World war was in full swing, everything was in black and white, and people wore onions on their belts, as was the style at the time. After Japan pearl harbored American forces at.....um....Pearl Harbour the Americans decided they were tired of the Japanese and their rice growing ways and dropped an atom bomb(not the wrestler) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing millions and creating Godzilla. These events changed Japan forever, but what you might not know is that not only are the Japanese an efficient, industrious people, but they are also very patient, content to lie in wait for a chance at revenge. That revenge came in the 1980's when they unleashed the Nintendo home entertainment system, and with it, the beloved Italian plumber Mario.

Since Canada is the America of the north, we too were introduced to the Nintendo craze, and Mario was now part of our lives. I loved Mario as a kid, sure he had a terrible mushroom addiction, and half the monsters he fought probably weren't real, but all he wanted to do was save the girl, the beautiful princess, a girl who through the years has been kidnapped so many times I'm pretty sure she is the basis for the Kim Baur character on 24. The newest installment of Mario for Wii is no different, once again the princess is kidnapped by Bowser and his Koopa minions. It starts harmless enough, it is the Princess Peach's birthday and the plumber brothers throw her a party, when all of a sudden a hideous beast comes and nabs the princess. After some confusion Jeff explains that it wasn't actually Rosie O'Donnell but one of the Koopa's that took her, and then the demoralization process begins.

There is nothing like dying in the game and hearing Mario condescendingly chirp that you were almost there, or lose the card flip game and seeing the "oh you didn't even get one" screen. Then there is the sheer amount of things you have to face in one level, I remember the old games where after a couple of goombas and turtles you were home free, but in this game they keep you busier then Charlie Sheen's publicist. You spend so much time dodging and weaving you have only split seconds to make a perfect jump, and if you don't hit it right you disappear from the screen faster then Two and Half Men. If all that doesn't weaken your soul there's the little box that appears in the level if you've died too many times, asking if you want your brother Luigi to guide you through the level, if I wanted to watch someone's mentally challenged brother solve something I'd watch Rainman, or a movie that features any Baldwin but Alec.

If my dad's shoddy hereditary hair gene didn't beat it to it, this is the thing that would have made me lose my hair, I think at one point I actually grew hair back just so I could rip it out. You struggle tooth and nail through all the worlds and you finally get to Bowser, you think you beat him, then he just gets super big, blasting big balls of hot air and destroying everything in his path like Joan Rivers on the red carpet, and for what? for the Princess to say thanks, and give you a kiss on the cheek, all that work just to get to first base? hell in real life I score less then the Pittsburgh Pirates and I don't have to die umpteen times to do it.

If this blog feels disjointed and all over the place, first I say where have you been the other 93 posts and secondly it's because there's no emoticon for how I am feeling towards this game. I'm glad I didn't buy the game and it was loaned to me(by someone I thought I was my friend) for if I had bought it I might have had to go all Office Space on it or maybe put it in the freezer where it couldn't hurt me anymore.

So to the people of Japan, I know it might be too late, and it may not mean much coming from one person, but if it means no more evil Mario games, then I'm sorry. I for one enjoy your wacky game shows, your unintentional funny names (Delong Wang) and the fact that you think your good at any sports besides math. Many years after the blast, you have a radiant culture with a glowing sense of pride, there is no need to fight, you had a blast in the past and I know we could have a blast in the future. You always say Wii would like to play, well Iii wish you wouldn't make it so difficult.

It's a Punderful Life

2011-02-27T16:06:00.000-08:00

- Next month is national hairdresser's month, so everyone be sure to wear a ribbon to remember what they dyed for

-Last night I saw a guy attempt to play the American national anthem on a harmonica, he blew it

- We always hear about the sexual proclivity of male rabbits, but did you know that the male beaver gets more wood than any other animal?

-The head of a major cereal company was recently arrested after discontinuing a number of major cereals, FBI stormed his office after he was labeled the worst cereal killer in recent years

-In entertainment news singer Bruno Mars was horribly disfigured recently. His attempts to show affection for a girl by catching a grenade for her blew up in his face

-I always get surprised when someone rings in a rare steak at work because we don't see it very often

-I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, he's a compulsive over eater, seems he's always busy cause he always has too much on his plate

-Travel company Travelocity is getting rid of it's famous mascot, it appears the statue of limitations has run out, what will become of him is not gnome at this time.

-Did you hear about the funeral home administrator who died after a filing cabinet fell on him?.......he was buried in paperwork

- I once wanted to write a script for Frasier, but it was unreadable because I couldn't perfect my Kelsey Grammar.

That's all for today, you all may think I'm weird but guess what I can paddle a boat, canoe?

Bear Polar: My life with a semi crazy dog

2011-02-05T03:39:00.000-08:00

As I write this it's 8:12 in the morning, that's about 1 o'clock where my sister is, about 2ish where my brother is, and next Wednesday in China. Why am I up so early? you ask, there's a reason, and his name is Bear. One of the reasons why I didn't write here for a while(besides laziness) was just after Christmas I received my new puppy, Bear, still the best present since that piece of coal I was given as a pet in my younger days at Christmas. Ninety percent of the time Bear is awesome, his wacky hi jinx making me laugh on a daily basis, it's the other ten percent where he gets wilder then a Charlie Sheen brunch party(poptarts is the gateway to blow and hookers). I know now what all the single parents are complaining about, it's hard raising a child, I mean this is a puppy, you just can't shake it like you would a kid, but at least you can lock it in a cage.

I'm not totally alone in the war on Terrierism(he's actually a golden retriever but that joke is awesome in it's lameness) my roommate Jeff does a good job with him, and they get along great, and when he misbehaves I can always give him a timeout in the kennel, sure Jeff gets a little uncomfortable in there but it teaches him a lesson. Maybe it's the legendary puppy dogs eyes, the fat little face, but it's hard to stay mad at my little buddy, but I just know when he sits there looking so cute, that any second he's gonna leap and chew on my fingers. He doesn't even really do this to other people, well he did accidentally scratch my buddy Andrew but only because he was excited there was another bear like creature in the apartment. He's actually great with other people, at 6 weeks old he was better with girls then I've ever been, sure he didn't like being soaked in chloroform but anything to help out dear old dad.

I've created the term Bear Polar to show just how he goes from adorable teddy bear to Cujo in the matter of seconds, his new acquired knowledge that giving me his paw leads to treats has shown him that he can lure me in, I will accept his paw and he will go for my knuckles. And go for the knuckles he will, he will chow down like a Biggest Loser competitor falling off the wagon, a simple tap on the nose and saying stop will always work to prevent it.............for a couple of seconds, then he's on the attack again. I'm proud to say that at least the house training is going well, sure it was rough early, there were more stains on the carpet then a seedy motel room, but now he is able to climb the steps and let us know when he wants to go out. He enjoys all the snow we've had, so much that's it hard to get him to come back inside, for when you take him out your on Bear time, and he doesn't care if your cold, you will make sure he does all his dirty sinful business and you will like it.

One personality trait I'm concerned with is that I think he may hate Italians. What's that? you say, dogs can't be racist, I thought so too until I was playing Mario Brothers on Wii the other day, and he sat there staring. Staring doesn't make him racist you say, but then he started to growl at him, now Bear enjoys watching television, and he's watched me play Madden 11 on Ps3, and he's never once growled, but when he saw Mario, he growled for a number of minutes. Of course that's nothing like the yelling and growling and screaming I've done at the game, but that's another blog for another time.

I love my dog, he is and forever will be my little buddy, he brings me so much amusement, sure I may randomly catch him with dryer sheets in his mouth, or finding so much random money on the floor that I think he's actually part woman, but he never ceases to be not entertaining. I never know what he's gonna into next, or what piece he's going to take out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way, and so I'll just grin and Bear it.

Have you seen the Muffins? Man

2011-02-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to dust off the old blog, lift the tarp off to discuss a topic that should not be overlooked, an occurrence that has shook yours truly to his very core, that is the waning population and outright removal of low fat blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's locations. About a year and a half ago when I decided to lose a bunch of weight, the low fat blueberry muffin was a source of comfort and deliciousness in the bleak world of dietary foods. I have low fat blueberry muffins to thank for the some eighty pounds I have shed, well those and Subway(suck it Jarred) and now you go and take them away from me, and replace them with what, some new fruity muffin that I don't know what it is because the girl talks to low and you don't have a sign for them yet. Who do you think I am Tim Hortons? Lindsay Lohan on a bender, do you think I'll just ingest anything cause it has a berry in it?

There is truly no good way to describe my feelings on the loss of the beloved muffin, so here is a lament, a tribute if you will to the fallen baked goods. This is usually my brother Bill's thing but I'll give it a shot:

How I miss you muffins
Ripped from the shelf
I've not only lost breakfast
But a piece of myself

Sometimes you were covered in flakes, sometimes not
Didn't matter to me, you still hit the spot
I try to keep my chin up, try to be merry
As I force myself to eat the regular blueberry

You were a great source of food
When I went on a stroll
Time to bury my sorrows
In this cinnamon roll

You've been taken from me
Not sure what I'll do
Never filling enough for one
I always had two

Goodbye delicious muffin
I'll miss you a bunch
I'm like a walnut
That's lost his crunch

I remember the verse
From when I was a kid
Do you know the muffin man?
I really thought I did

The Gull

2010-11-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

Once upon a morning dreary, while I wondered weak and weary
Over many a pile of garbage bags laid by the door,
While my slippers I was wearing, suddenly there came a tearing,
'Tis my neighbor' I muttered, swearing as he sputtered
Only this and nothing more

Distinctly I remember, for it was early in November,
And Mother Nature's temp had dropped to minus four,
This could not wait until the morrow, my landlady's garbage net I'd have to borrow
For me now there was no sorrow, upon completion of this chore,
For the council appoints the time of this chore,
Assigned here for evermore

On the sound of savage ripping,
I wondered if my mind was slipping,
My neighbors fingers he was flipping,
My neighbor cursing by my apartment door,
Only this, and nothing more

Presently the stench grew stronger,
I could not last a minute longer,
'Excuse me' I said daring,
'Could you please cut out the swearing,
For the whole street it is hearing,
Words they haven't heard before'
He just stood there, nothing more

As I stood upon him peering,
Another outburst i was fearing
For I had just wanted to complete my chore,
Suddenly he broke the lull, pointed forward and whispered "Gull"
'Gull' I whispered, stunned by the word spoke before,
Garbage there and nothing more

Back into my apartment turning,
My neighbors rage inside him burning,
I heard him swearing louder then he had before,
I looked outside my window pane,
As he became more profane,
'Tis his mind, and nothing more'

Open then I flung the door, then my heart began to sore,
For at the garbage the gull had tore,
Not the least compassion showed he,
Nothing could stop or sway he,
Perched upon the garbage he had tore,
Perched and sat, he ate some more

Then the ivory bird sat waiting,
On my nerves he was grating,
Because of the smug and smarmy look he wore,
As garbage littered the street, I wondered how it could be beat,
Wondered if I could defeat,
This bird who at my garbage tore,
Quoth the gull "got anymore"

I marveled at this gull now walking,
Surely he could not be talking,
This creature who at my garbage tore,
I obviously needed sleep,
Go back to bed and count more sheep,
Surely while this bird was stalking,
He could not really be talking,
Asking if I had any more

The gull now sitting on the bag,
Engaged me in a game of tag,
As it's wings it did flutter,
I wondered how it would taste with butter,
As revenge for my garbage tore,
When the truck comes he will leave,
My neighbor he did not believe
"He will be gone, nevermore"

Startled by his reply
'Definitely' said I, for the winter it is near,
And he will surely disappear,
Then no longer will our bags be tore,
Quoth the Gull "got anymore"

But the gull, still there sitting,
Caused my neighbor to start spitting, more profanity then ever before,
This gull would drive a man to drinking,
As the bag continued shrinking,
The garbage bag at which he tore,
He will not get anymore

Just then the fog grew denser,
The gull chewed on a Pez Dispenser,
'wretch' I cried, it was not funny,
As he severed the head of Bugs Bunny,
Coming out the bag from which he tore,
What's up Doc? Nevermore

Defeated I sat in a slump,
'Get thee back into the dump'
Was this bird, or was this devil,
Truly it was not on the level,
I had just wanted to complete this chore
But he showed the bag what for,
And now it will be taken, nevermore

The truck it is here, the gull departing,
As the clean-up I am starting, but the truck continues darting,
Darting down the road some more,
The anger now inside me swelling,
Soon I commence to yelling, yelling by my bag that's tore,
Leave no trash as a token, can't you hear what I have spoken?
He just drove down the road some more

And the garbage, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,
On the street, by my apartment door,
All the neighbors do is yell,
And complain about the smell, from the garbage that was tore,
They will continue to frown,
Until I hear from the town,
The odor shall be lifted, nevermore

My scientific experiment:: can a 30 year old man successfully go trick or treating

2010-11-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

There is one day every year where kids get to put on their cutest or scariest costumes and are rewarded with candy for their efforts. This day has many different names, some call it All Hollow's Eve, the Mexican people refer to it as the day of the dead, Micheal Jackson referred to it as every Friday at the Neverland Ranch. I am of course talking about Halloween, a day where good dental health was put on the back burner and the ugly kids could finally walk around in public without offending anyone. I remember as a boy being whisked from house to house along with my brothers and sisters, marveling over the amount of candy we received and rushing home to reap the rewards of our journey. I have fond memories of sorting through piles of candy looking for the best ones first, eating candy until your stomach hurt, and looking confused as my brothers and sister told me that that razor blade in the apple was good for me, and that I should eat it, yes I took a lot of heat for ruining the split of a six pack of Oka-dokas.

As I've gotten older trick or treating has become a thing of the past, until this year, when I decided to see what would happen if I went around from house to house asking for candy. I wanted to see if Halloween was still just for kids, or could anybody get in on the action, so with that in mind, lets get to the findings shall we.

*The first thing every good trick or treater needs is a costume. Instead of going and buying a costume I decided to use what things I had at home. Taking an old work shirt and pants I cut some holes and using a hockey mask I decided on Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, it's been done a lot but its and oldie but a goodie. I figured some people may call this uninspired so I thought I needed a trial run. First finding of my research: people DO NOT like it if you show up in costume at their door in a mask on a day that's not Halloween, girls WILL scream loudly, and WILL call the cops without hesitation. My research got off to a rocky start.

*The second thing every trick or treater needs is a good route, preferably close to their home base and houses that look like good locations where they can score the best treats. So I walked down my street looking for houses that were decorated for Halloween as I figured they would be most likely to participate in the festivities. In an interesting turn of events when people saw me do this they ran in fear, some brave souls chased me with bats. I found this data to be rather interesting until I remembered I still had my costume on. So I ditched the mask for the rest of the walk, and people were much more receptive, seeing my tattered rags some even gave me money, and encouraging advice such as buy myself a warm coffee and don't spend it on booze.

*So last night was the big night, as the time to leave grew closer the anticipation started to build. I knew the kids would have a head start as their parents would want to get them to bed early, so I knew this would be a hindrance to my plan of getting the best candy possible. However; I have many things in my favor, I am older, somewhat wiser, my legs are longer so I am faster, and I'm pretty agile for my size, able to leap tall kids in a single bound. I decided to leave the house around six, starting with houses in my general area, and lets just say things got off to a rocky start. The reactions of the first few houses ranged from scream, slap, groin kicking, mace, BEAR MACE, actual MID-EVIL mace(seriously who has one of those), bag of popcorn, being chased by a shotgun toting old women. Seriously if your girlfriend is that nervous, don't leave her home alone when a thirty year old man in rags and a goalie mask comes knocking asking if she has any candy.

While my experiment got off to a bad start, you will be glad to know it ended quite successfully. Whats that? you say, it did not seem like I was successful, sure the reception at the houses might not have been the warmest, but for all their efforts the police never caught me, and thanks to that chance encounter with those surprised and scared little kids, I came home with quite the haul indeed.

Conclusions: while Halloween can be a difficult day to get ready for, it can also be easy if you do it right, kind of like stealing candy from a baby...............or a bunch of 8 year olds.

How to spend your holidays in no easy steps

2010-09-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was supposed to be the start of an exciting time for me, it was the start of my mini holidays. I usually don't ask for many days off, I tend to work long hours, six sometimes seven days a week, I like to think I'm a machine, much like a terminator(I need your boots and your clothes) but with it being so busy lately I asked for a few days off just to recharge. It was supposed to be a time of accomplishment, my own summer of George if you will, only in September. I was finally going to get around to those memoirs........that I'd been reading, I was going to find a nice pond and feed the ducks as to fatten them up so I could feed on them, but fate, fate had other ideas. My holidays started nicely enough, a relaxing Friday night, a busy Saturday spent cleaning the apartment but soon disaster would strike in the name of mysterious ankle pain. Ankle pain is my one true weakness, my Achilles heel if you will and it struck suddenly on Saturday, worsening on Sunday, no doubt aggravated by a heated three point contest on Wii Sports Resort. I went to the doctor and his diagnosis was simply.....your an idiot and stop playing video games, I didn't see any ducks at the pond but it looks like I found a quack.

Everyone told me to keep my leg elevated, eventually it was higher then Lindsay Lohan is these days, and with my attention span so short I'm not one to sit around with my legs in the air like some Vietnamese prostitute(no offense to Vietnamese woman, I could have used any nationality but why have hamburger when you could had steak) so I tried to come up with as many fun things to do on one leg as possible, and here is what I came up with:

- Reenact Terry Fox's legendary run across Canada, now on two legs I can barely run across the street but with one leg I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I started by ceremoniously dipping my leg in the bathtub but much like the water caused Terry Fox's leg to rust(as alleged...........by me) it was my downfall too, as I didn't complete the journey, but only because I tripped over a bath towel that had fallen on the floor.

-Find an army jacket and yell at a bunch of kids about how you've seen some things man, and some stuff, and you wouldn't recommend it.

-Master Hopscotch

-Randomly fall down and see how many people pick you up. Warning, this may backfire, and to the person who stole my wallet while I was unconscious please stop using all my Subway points, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY COOKIES THOSE POINTS WILL GET ME YOU MONSTER.

-Play Mario Kart Wii for hours

- Become introduced to new levels of rage while playing Mario Kart Wii, seriously why does everything have to come at you at once, and if one more character hits me, Wii are going to have some serious problems.

So there you have it, just some ways where you can make the best out of a bad situation, the way I look at it, at least I'm not a horse or I'd be glue right now. Being glue would totally suck but hey at least I could form a bond with anything.

Yes Wii can

2010-09-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

Having your bills paid and available money is always a dangerous thing isn't it folks? Well for me it is anyway because nine times out of ten it ends up burning a hole in my pocket, then I have to go buy new pants, and end up spending money regardless. It does not help that my work is located in a very busy part of town with a lot of stores, including an EB games store situated across the parking lot, convenient for me, not so much for my bank account. Roughly this time every year I contemplate buying a Nintendo Wii but I can usually talk myself out of it, come up with reasons not to justify it, or something comes on television and I forget about it. Well, since TV shows aren't new again till next week(except Sons of Anarchy whooo) I decided to say the hell with it and make the long walk across the parking lot to bring a new toy to the apartment.

I walk up to the counter and ask the girl if they have any Nintendo systems in stock and she says "Wii" , after asking if she spoke English, she for some reason rolled her eyes and pointed to the shelf and guided me to the right direction. Before I bring it up the counter I of course see what games look interesting, really buying the system is contingent on if they have Mario Kart or not, but alas I do not see it, until magically it appears before me, it's used, but what the hey, beggars can't be choosy, unless your that homeless guy my brother saw taking a sub out of the garbage and picking the tomato off, then beggars can be choosy. The girl goes through all the jibba jabba about warranties and tries to sell me stuff but I decline cause I have my system and honestly Wii would just like to get out of there, but not before she makes me paranoid by saying sometimes the bags break and it's not pretty, thanks...... thanks a lot.

Now the walk home is tense, I cradle it so Wii can make it home safely, all the while thinking screw you bio-degradable bags, if you burst and Wii don't make it home alive, I will litter from one end of this town to the next, I will stop at Tim Horton's and just buy sleeves of empty cups and throw them on the ground, and there is a not a God or a Captain Planet that can stop me. Luckily the walk home was uneventful and Wii made it home safely, I dust off the entertainment center and the Ps3 to make it neat and tidy for the arrival of his Wii little brother. At first I wonder if I am gonna have enough room to place it somewhere, but luckily after trying a few different ways Wii Fit.

Early trial runs are proving quite enjoyable, it is fun, entertaining, and even educational, as Wii sports teaches us that people with no arms can do quite well at tennis, boxing, bowling, baseball, and golf, although in golf it leads to quite the handicap..........yeah I said it don't look at Mii. Of course I still love the PlayStation, and I first I wondered if I had two systems could Wii all co-exist and I could spend time with both, well folks in the words of a famous man yes Wii Can.

Signs you may need an Exorcism

2010-09-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I was supposed to go see a movie with some friends, that it is until the gods intervened and gave me a sinus cold instead. The movie we had planned on seeing was the Last Exorcism, I think it was the number one move this past weekend but I'm not sure, I'd do some research and find out but *cue Jessie Ventura in Predator voice* I ain't got time to read. The whole ritual of an exorcism makes me wonder, how far gone does a person have to be before you think "nope, a doctor's not going to cut it, I think I need a priest." I have thought (not so) long and (not so) hard on this matter, and here I think are some signs you may need an exorcism.

- If you suddenly can contort your body into impossible shapes, and your not a gymnast, then you may need an exorcism

- If you have seen the commercial for M. Night Shyamalan's movie The Devil and you say "oh yeah I remember doing that to those people in the elevator" you may need an exorcism

- If you wreak havoc on all religious property in your house, but leave the Dale Earnhardt collector's plates intact you might be a redneck...........um who needs an exorcism.

- If every time you look down and you can't see your toes.......you may need to exorcise.

- I recently had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head, hmmm maybe I need an exorcism.

- If the job is too much for a young priest to handle, and they have to call in an old priest to walk creepily out of the fog, oh yeah, you totally need an exorcism.

- If you recently watched news pundit Rex Murphy and you get these weird feelings and start spouting off big words, you may need a Rexorcism.

-If suddenly you can spin your head right round, right round, like a circle baby, right round, right round your either a huge fan of Dead or Alive, or you need an exorcism.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are other signs. I don't really know much about this Devil fellow, I know he went down to Georgia that one time, and he fought Arnold Schwarzenegger in the End of Days, but other then that I don't pay too much attention to him. All I know is a lot of crazy things can happen in this world, so watch out who you refer to as a devil, for you never know, they just might be.

Bear-ly Legal

2010-08-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ah the majestic bear, for hundreds of years they have asserted their dominance, tremendously fast for their size, great catchers of fish, bringers of fear for hikers, in fact the only thing bears can't do is win a Superbowl. As of today bears can add a new quality to their resume, protector of weed crops. Mounties in British Columbia who went into the woods the other day couldn't believe their eyes, for in the trees where nobody sees, they were not playing hide and seek as long as they please, and this was no teddy bear's picnic, what the Mounties stumbled on was a huge crop of marijuana plants that were apparently being guarded by black bears.

Mounties in B.C. were reportedly given a tip that there was a huge crop of marijuana in the woods just southwest of Calgary; however, what the informant somehow forget to mention was that the weed growers HAD SURROUNDED THE PLACE WITH BEARS....ahem.... sorry but I think this ruins the informants chances of getting any money from Crime Stoppers. Officers were surprised at how tame the bears seemed to be until they clued in on the fact that hey, they were probably fed some of the weed to keep them calm, no doubt the first bit was free, but gradually the price went up. You know now that I think about it, is feeding the bears marijuana really a good plan? I mean I'm no expert, I've never touched the stuff, but I know it gives you a severe case of the munchies, so do you really want to be around a hungry bear?

The Mounties, much like most NHL teams, had no trouble getting past the bruins, and investigating the crop, some of the bears were even quite helpful. A few of the bears mentioned that they had seen a blond haired girl roaming around, and that they even thought she had been sleeping in their beds and eating their porridge. One bear mentioned that the owners of the crop were nice people but they could be harsh, he went on to say that he was suspended without pay once because and I quote "I was gonna go to work, but then I got high."

When I read this news story it made me shake my head, it's crazy what lengths some people will go too. It is a story that is really too crazy to make up, of course who is to say that the Mounties never got into the stash, I mean I once chased an imaginary midget for 2 miles after taking an Advil so after a couple of joints, who knows, maybe some bears that weren't there a minute ago randomly pop out. The bears were taken away from the area, and sadly it seems they may have to be put down, cause have you ever seen a bear go through withdrawals, I haven't, but something tells me it would be terrifying yet hilarious. Some of the bears accepted their fate, and were able to grin and bear it, while others could bear-ly contain themselves. Just let this be a lesson to the rest of you pot growers thinking of using bears as security, you may think it's a great plan but it's a total polar opposite of that, there will be many black days ahead, and if found out, the results could be quite grizzly.

Things in my childhood that have been ruined with age: Super Mario Kart

2010-08-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today while on the internet I was feeling a little bored so I went to Google and began looking for what most guys look for when they are bored on the internet........that being sites that will allow you to play.........old super Nintendo games for free. It was on this trek that I discovered the crown jewel, one of my most favorite games of all time, Super Mario Kart. I am not here to bash this game, for it will always hold a special place for me, but as with most things age and "wisdom" have given me perspective on some of the things that occur in the game, and some of the things it might have taught us children. I still love video games today but there is something magical about them when you are a kid, the joys of passing that impossible level, the marvel at your cat like reflexes, the screams.................of your father to turn that off before it ruined the picture on the television, this was truly the golden age.

However, while rekindling this old flame with Mario Kart I started to look at things differently, and memories started to come back. The more I played and the more I thought of it, I'm pretty sure that this is the game that led to my brother Bill's(visit his blog, it's quality reading, and it has grammar and stuff) road rage and video game issues. Now I have been in the car with my brother, and he is in fact a fine driver, but he like most good drivers, like to lament at how many rubes in today's society are allowed to drive, and there tends to be some four letter lamenting. I can't help but wonder if the objects you could hurl at your opponents in the game were real how it would resolve road rage, cause let's face it, sometimes you just gotta throw something.

Actually the throwing of objects is one of the many unsafe things featured in this game. The game is laden with such dangers as banana peels, oil slicks(that don't kill any animals looking at you BP) giant mud patches, and the most dangerous of them all, a woman driver......okay okay I kid I kid................she's on a go kart she can't do that much damage, but if you look closer I swear you can see her putting on her make-up while driving. That, if your counting, is reason number 1,45o why I'm still single, but anywho, the game allows you to travel at break neck speeds, some levels provide no safety railings which allow you to plummet to earth like Tiger Woods golf game, and gives you no chance to slow down before becoming a wreck, much like Lindsay Lohan.

The game puts you under immense pressure, the way the music amps up on the final lap, which brings out the desire to crush your opponent like a bug. You can employ strategies, like the placing of a turtle shell or a banana peel to wipe out your competitors, but that could come back to haunt you if you stick something in the wrong place, once again much like Tiger Woods.

Oh who am I kidding, I still love this game, not since the time I kicked those kindergarten kids off the playground have i felt so good about asserting my dominance, still undefeated on the beach course baby, as Johnny Drama would say on Viking Quest.....VICTORY.

****Disclaimer**** no animals were hurt in my playing of Mario Kart, besides that one stupid mole who wouldn't get off my kart until I fell in the water, they got me out in time but I'm pretty sure he drowned, let that be a lesson to the rest of you moles

The Ballad of Micheal Beauregard

2010-07-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today when I arrived at work I was told a harrowing tale by my kitchen manager Mike, who we call Bogey both as a way to shorten his last name and because he's a self admitted terrible golfer. Bogey just got back from a week off and when I asked him how it went his response was "Just excellent...............until they dropped the fridge on me." Naturally when you hear that sentence you have to hear what comes next, and as he preceded to tell me the story my mentality(one that I've had for years, and the mentality of my brothers and fellow kitchen staff workers) of it's funny cause it didn't happen to me kicked in, and it led to many jokes being made throughout the day. So because I always have to take things one step further, and because he's probably not gonna read this, I present to you now the Ballad of Micheal Beauregard.

Here lies Bogey, he moved just a smidge
And found himself trapped, under a fridge
He had asked his son and his dad for some guidance
Yet he still found himself, underneath the appliance

He could not scream or yell, all he could do was whisper
For his legs were pinned, by the vegetable crisper
He struggled to get free before all hope was lost
Soon it would be too late, the fridge would defrost

The fridge gave way when his dad couldn't hold her
Now when they meet, he gets the cold shoulder
His son stood silent, his face fixed in awe
He couldn't believe there was a fridge on his Pa

Bogey couldn't believe it himself
When the door it flew open and down came a shelf
Then the fridge it was lifted, he was freed from death's choke
And all he could say, was that he needed a smoke

Bogey survived this extraordinary tussle
With only some bumps and some bruises
And a slightly pulled muscle
As the days went on, his spirits were higher
As he thought to himself, at least it wasn't a dryer

If Mel Gibson calls for me, tell him I'm not home

2010-07-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today in the tell us how you really feel file lands Mel Gibson, who has the internet abuzz this week with the recordings of a let's just say less then civil conversation with the mother of his child that wasn't his wife. As usual my knowledge and care for the facts are limited but from what I gather Gibson was rather upset that his ex-girlfriend Oksana supported the decision Lebron James made to sign with the Heat, and this was the last straw in a tumultuous relationship, sending Gibson spiraling out of control, and causing him to tell her how he really felt. And boy oh boy tell her he did, I would transcribe his outbursts, but I like to think of this blog as a house of Jesus, or it was until Jesus read what I wrote here. Hearing Mel say these things almost brought a tear to my eye not only because it made me think of how far he has fallen, but it made me nostalgic for the times that I used to sit and watched Giants games with my dad.

However, things aren't totally looking down for Mel, I mean he has the support of Whoopi Goldberg, that's gotta count for something right? She has come out and said that in no way is Mel a racist, she knows this cause he played with her kids, no no he's not a racist, he's just an alcoholic that's all, she knows this cause he shared it with the kids, but hey she didn't mind, it settled them down while she spent the ten hours it takes to do whatever that thing on her head is. Now I'm not a fan of alcohol but I think it gets a bad rap here, I don't think it's to blame at all, you know what I think it is? Rabies, that's right rabies, listen to the tape, the man's breathing heavier then Roman Powlanski at a teenage girl's soccer game, and no doubt foaming at the mouth.

We all know that people love a good train wreck, but this is a case where I think Mel Gibson could have been helped. I mean The Signs were there when he went on his tirade about the Jewish people, it was then we should have seen that he was at the Edge of Darkness. I believe Mel has a good soul and a Braveheart, but something just snapped inside and it drove him Mad to the Max and he couldn't take it anymore. Mel is just a misguided man who truly thought he know What Women Want but this woman turned it upside down and it was time for Payback. His judgment got the better of him and he became a Lethal Weapon 4 a while, holding his sanity for Ransom. He lived dangerously like A Bird on a Wire, everybody knew him, they stared at him like he was A Man Without a Face, but even if we stopped believing in him, he never stopped believing in us, he knew deep down We Were Soldiers. If Mel is guilty of anything it's having too much Passion(of the Christ), but now that his career has no doubt suffered an Apocalypto, let's not think of him as the stark raving lunatic he is but as he was, a Road Warrior, a Patriot, and a Maverick.

Canada: A look Back

2010-07-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Break out the Tim Horton's and the beer, it looks like somebody's got a birthday. That's right, today our country of Canada turns 143 years old, putting her right up there with the Queen of England and Keith Richards. Today is the day when Canadians all across the country unite to celebrate our nation, right before they go back to complaining about it the next day, this year the festivities haven't been just a one day event, people in Toronto have been going nuts all week, smashing things, lighting cop cars on fire, they might not be able to hold their booze, but apparently those guys can party. There has been a lot of complaining about the ways the people of Toronto celebrate, but give them a break, it's not like they are ever gonna get to that for a celebration of one of their sports team, so let them go wild. Today, since it is the birth of the place we call home I'd like to give her a little tribute, take a look back at her life, and some of the major happenings.

Canada has changed a lot from it's humble beginnings, it started out merely as a place full of natives sitting around doing nothing, okay I guess some parts of Canada stayed the same, but then the white man cometh, and the white man taketh away. It's like Canada was there was the Native people's favorite restaurant, and all of a sudden they just stopped taking reservations(ba dum ching) and they withered under the powerful grasp of whitey, ironically some years later we devoted a railroad to stopping just that very thing in America. Then there was the time we burned down the white house, yeah we did that, for the longest time I believe it was the only physical harm ever done to the white house, until Barack Obama started raising the roof there on a daily basis.

..........And then for a long time nothing happened

Then some guy got accused of treason, sure he may have been a treacherous man but I think it's cause the people couldn't deal with what he was laying down, say what you want about the man but Louis kept it Riel. Then Canada went to war, and we fought bravely, then we decided we didn't like war, but we didn't mind supervising, so we started peacekeeping, using soothing words instead of weapons, and letting our aggression be taken out by hitting spheres of rubber with wooden sticks, and fighting not cause it made sense but it made the game more exciting, and you got to sit in that little box. Some years later the province of Quebec started feeling like Jan Brady and wanted to leave, months of suspense lead up to a big referendum asking the same question as the Clash did, should I stay or should I go? After all the fuss the only thing that ended up leaving was their hockey team, and we stayed a nation intact, enjoying the influx of poutine and maple syrup.

As Canada gets older I'm sure she will look back and reflect at the times she's had. Sure she's not perfect, she's had men lead her astray, but always clung to them thinking that they could change. She gets poked fun at a lot, and from one end of the country to the other people walk all over her, it seems like the only time people know her anthem is during the playoffs, but as she looks back would she really change anything. The more she thinks of it the more she thinks that there are probably a few things she could change, some things she could do without, such as:

Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Brian Williams, Celine Dion, Jean Chretian, Wayne Gretzky's spotlight stealing leech of a father, Mike Duffy, Celine Dion, Rita McNeil( that's gotta drop a couple of hundred pounds there) Winnipeg, Celine Dion, Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, the Vancouver Grizzlies(oh wait) Ryan Reynolds, Celine Dion, Fred Penner, the Saskatoon Naval reserve, Stephen Harper, Corey Hart( he can join his career in obscurity) and lastly....Celine Dion.

So tonight be sure to celebrate Canada's birthday by blowing up a little piece of it, but treat her with some respect, she's old, and sometimes senile. And to all Americans, happy birthday to your country on Sunday, sure you may think your the best place in the world, but our birthday is first, so we got all the good presents.

Breaking up is......not so hard to do for Bank of Montreal apparently

2010-06-24T18:17:00.001-07:00

I was faced yesterday with a problem, I had to end a relationship that I had for years, one that was good for me, I had to close my bank account I had with the Bank of Montreal. To prepare myself that the awkwardness that was to come, and the expected bunch of questions, such as why are you leaving us? is there someone else? can't you give us another chance? I decided to take a walk to clear my head. My walk took me around the legendary Signal hill, site of Marconi's first trans-Atlantic message or something like that, you know what history doesn't mention is that he actually lost reception, so there ya have it Newfoundland, we are the site of the first ever dropped call.

On the way home the time came to do the deed, to walk in there, face all the accusing eyes, and get it over with. I planned to do it quick, rip it off like a band-aid, but I figured they would keep me there, beg me to stay but I did not expect what happened next. I went up and said it's over, I'm done, I had found a newer sexier bank and their response was.........OK. There was no shock, there was no tears, there was no feeling, it's as if they were relieved, like they were going to do it first but I saved them the trouble. Now I know I'm not the most caring person in the world, but this seemed low even for me. I mean even the time when I rejected the mail order bride cause her mustache was bigger then mine I still felt bad for giving her the wrong name and slamming the door in her face. I even bought Svetlana a ticket back home.....or as far as Corner Brook, I can't really remember, but hey there's a lot of things in Corner Brook, I mean, they have PULP and PAPER, yeah yeah I know, had pulp and paper.

They took what little money I left in that account, for the monthly fee, and charged for saying that I used the bank machines too many times, but truly it is me who feels used. I gave you several good years of my life and this is how you repay me, by leaving me emptier then a BP oil container, leaving me lonelier then Betty White at a Golden Girls reunion. Well shame on you Bank of Montreal, for you see much like the Elephant Man I am a human being(and I enjoy peanuts) and if you cut me I do bleed, and Bank of Montreal you cut me deep just now.

For now I'm just gonna sit here wallowing in my half pint of ice cream, and for a while it's gonna be awkward when I pass you on the street, but time heals all wounds (unless they are fatal) and eventually I'll forget you ever existed. One think that I hope was not lost in the awkwardness of our separation, was the irony of the whole thing, I mean really it's not every day you see a Canadian trying to separate from something from Quebec.

Oils well that ends well

2010-06-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

I realize that the pun in the title is a relic, a dinosaur best left unused but hey I've always thought it was pretty slick. This past few weeks we've all learned that what oil and water do, in fact, mix and that the results equal catastrophe. I haven't been keeping track of the oil spill much, as media coverage of any big event tends to frustrate me, but as usual I have pieced things together from the little snippets that I have heard. When I first heard of the BP oil spill, I thought to myself, really, when did Boston Pizza get it's own oil tanker? and why would they even need an oil tanker? of course that could explain their high prices. I don't really know much about oil, I know my province has lots of it( and you can't have it, get your own) I know it's a substance used in cooking and can be found in the hair of most Italian men. I know oil can be crude, often leering at you and making crass comments, and it's the reason that the Clampetts loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.....Hills that is, but that's the extent of my knowledge.

As with most disasters, the first people to reach out are the unsung heroes of our society, celebrities, and in this case also Kevin Costner. Apparently Costner and his company have a machine that can be used to separate oil from water, at first I thought it was some kind of super duper filter but apparently what it is is actually a dvd player and a giant television, which Costner's company will use to play WaterWorld on a continuous loop, hey it kept people away from theatres, it just might make the oil do a quick 360 and head back home. I think James Cameron has even voiced an opinion on how to clean up the oil, come on James, it took you twelve years to make Avatar, we don't have that kind of time, fish are dying here.

Everyone appears to be pointing fingers as to whose at fault, to the point where Barack Obama has gone all hood, wondering who should be the recipient of some NWA style violence, but you know who I blame? I blame Al Gore, that's right Al Gore. You might say, your an idiot, he's a huge enviromentalist, and then I after I was done sobbing over being called an idiot I would say well yeah, he's not paying much attention these days is he, he's too busy selfishly dealing with his divorce to pay attention, and with Captain Planet retired, and battling cancer(ironically he was a huge chain smoker) there is nobody left to watch over the environment and things have gone to pieces.

There is still a silver lining in all of this though, all those years George W. Bush tried to get oil from other countries, and now he didn't have to do anything, and it's coming to him, so congratulations on that I guess. Of course, the oil is swallowing up seafood like a fat person's convention at a seafood buffet but hey if they can scrape it off the top maybe they can save some barrels and oil won't rise to a ghastly price. The BP company is doing what they can to make sure the clean-up goes smoothly. By clean-up I of course mean their public image, as it appears they have spent millions of dollars trying to right their image, even buying the phrase "oil spill" from Google so that when you type it in the search engine, it will take you directly to their website about all the measures they are doing to clean up their mess. I was amazed when I read this, I mean Google is selling phrases now, Wheel of Fortune only lets you buy vowels, up yours Pat Sajack, looks like your going down harder then Gary Coleman at the hands of the ruthless Google monster.

For more information on oil, I suggest you find the episode of Saved by the Bell where they strike oil on the football field, it's quite moving and educational. You can also check out the band Midnight Oil, they might not educate you on oil spills, but if you ever want to know how to sleep when your bed is burning, they have the answer.

Ain't Life Punny

2010-05-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

I remember a time, back in high school when I got into trouble in geometry class, I was frustrated with the material and I lashed out at the teacher, she sent me to detention for going off on a tangent. I didn't think I was a bad math student, turns out I just couldn't see the sines.

I remember a brief period of time when I wanted to be a police officer, I even went to the police academy, they partnered me up with a guy who had severe epileptic attacks, one day in training we were a bit overzealous and went a bit too far on a routine traffic check, we were kicked out for performing an illegal search and seizure.

I remember one of my first girlfriends, she was a bit intimidating because she was a spy, ultimately the relationship ended because she was always bugging me.

I remember one time I had just gotten out of the shower, and discovered there were no clean towels, scrambling I reached for some paper towel, as I was drying my face somebody started shooting at me. When I asked why he was attacking me, he said it was because there was a Bounty on my head.

I remember one time I wanted to be a doctor, I gave up that dream because I didn't have the patience.

I remember one time I was hanging out with a group of friends, I was eating a bag of chips, and despite the large target I ended up missing my mouth. Suddenly I became even more sarcastic and sharp-tongued, all my friends decided to leave, and when I asked why they told me it was because I had a chip on my shoulder.

I remember when my dad broke his leg and had to use crutches, I love spending time with dad, but it was hard to walk places with him then because they were always holding him up.

If your shaking your head and groaning right now then I've done my job, yes I know, if I were a horse they'd have to put me down, because I'm quite lame.

It's no fun being an illegal alien

2010-05-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around much lately, in my time away I've learned a very valuable lesson, hockey players don't like to be antagonized and Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby WILL call the the cops on you if you endlessly call them to gloat about Montreal beating them, geez, what a bunch of sore losers. In reality, not much has been happening in my world these days, the other day I went to the mall and saw The Losers, and seeing all those people in the mall gave me an idea to go see the movie of the same name, which was an enjoyable flick for a mindless action movie. Speaking of mindless, Arizona has been in the news lately, at first I thought it was because all the other states had been talked about, and Arizona was the only one left, but then I read what it was about and I was left scratching my head. It appears that in July a law will commence that states that all immigrants will have to have papers saying they are legal citizens, and if they can't prove it, they could be fined or eventually charged with a misdemeanor. It's like Moe the Bartender said "Immigrants, even when it was the bears, I knew it was the immigrants."

The law apparently also gives police the right to try and distinguish the person's race or heritage(I can't remember which, both are equally asinine) on the spot, hmmm I enjoy guessing games, can I play? let's see there Juan, your name is Sanchez is it, I don't think your of American heritage at all, what's that you say? you've got papers? sounds like drug paraphernalia to me, get in the car.....man I could totally be a cop. I don't think there is cause for any immediate concern, I mean I don't think they are gonna ship anyone off, because really they have been trying to get rid of the Coyotes for about two years, and they still play in Phoenix, of course they are all white, now the Suns, the Suns could be in trouble. I can see it now, ladies and gentlemen introducing your Phoenix Suns starting five............at center Steve Nash, at point guard Steve Nash, at small Forward Steve Nash......and well I forget the rest of the positions, I don't watch much basketball, all I really know about it is you shoot the ball at the little hole and if you do it well enough you get your sneaker.

A lot of people seem to be up in arms over the whole law, the general manager of the Yankees say they will not send anybody to the All Star Game to be held in Arizona because of the law. They are not just boycotting because of moral reasons, have you seen the Yankees team, half of Cuba has defected to them, they wouldn't be allowed in the state to begin with. I think even Tiger Woods said he would not play any tournaments held in Arizona, you know it's bad when Tiger won't play, cause apparently he can't keep himself out of anything, so to be rejected by Tiger, that's gotta hurt. I can kind of see where the Arizona government is coming from, I mean i have seen District 9, I know it's gotta be hard for people and aliens to co-exist, and V has taught me another thing, these aliens are not to be trusted and their leader is unspeakably hot, I mean not hot enough to make me watch after Lost is over, but that's just cause the writing is shotty at best.

I do also feel kind of bad for the immigrants as well. They only come to America and Canada looking for a better opportunity, to leave a world where all they know is war, okay if your from Iraq it's probably because America is attacking you, but now they find out they are to be subject to a fine if they can't prove they belong there like everyone else. How does that saying go? give me your poor, your tired, and your huddled masses, and then put them single file to fill out the proper paperwork to make sure they can be a legal citizen, man that's a long saying, no wonder they only focus on the first three. I figure some people don't like the fact that people come from other countries and take what little jobs are probably available, and they may be bitter at losing a job to a person of Mexican descent, cause really ya don't have to hate the whole country, it only takes Juan.

I believe I can Fry(A song for Colin)

2010-05-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, recently at work we received news that our beliked Colin would be leaving us to go back to his native planet of Winnipeg. Colin is a good chap so at first I was saddened, then I was hungry, then I was full, then I had to use the bathroom, then I was full of acceptance, he is only trying to better himself, and with no one else willing to take him he had to go back to Winnipeg. When Colin leaves I don't know what I'll do, who I will endlessly pick on, in the words of Dr. Evil, I'll probably move on, get a new fry guy, but there will be a ten minute period where I would be inconsolable. I will have many memories of insulting Colin, from calling him by his given nickname Colon, to the jokes about his freakish mutant height, and even the constant barbs about nailing his imaginary Jewish sister, there were many good times, so I figure I at least owe him a tribute, and in song form, so without further adieu, set to R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly, it's Colin's song I Believe I Can Fry:

I never knew when I had to come on
But when I did, the fries are what I done
I know the fries are what the people love
But I keep hitting my heads off the hoods

If the plate I can see, then I can fry it
For $1.99 extra, I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So tall that I'm the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
I'll sauce these wings and fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

The fryer's on the verge of breaking down
And the hoods are so very loud
When they want a garlic loaf with cheese
You know that's when they always come to me

If the plate I can see it, then I can fry it
for $1.99 extra, then I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings then fry away
Now the fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Wait Staff calling out to me, oh

If the plate I can see it, then i can fry it
For $1.99 extra I can poutine it

I believe I can fry
So that that I'm in the sky
Fry your plates every night and day
Sauce these wings and fry away
Now the Fries they want more
Try not to slip on this greasy floor
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry
I believe I can fry

Hey, I'll just sauce these wings
I can fry
I can fry, hey
What sauce are these wings?
I can fry
I can fry-eye-eye

Well that's it, sorry there's so much repetition but that's how R. Kelly wrote his song, he didn't have time to waste, there were people to pee on. So Colin, ya big knucklehead, I hope you enjoy it back home, tell your sister I said shalom, and enjoy your new job opening doors for the Adams Family.

The Rise of Francisco Martinez

2010-04-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

As part of my recent hermit lifestyle I've been firing up the old PS3 a lot, with the game of choice being MLB 10: The Show. I rather enjoy the mode called Road to the Show where you create a character, you start off in the minors and you work your way to the big leagues, so this is what I've been doing. I of course made myself, was drafted by the Blue Jays, which was awesome cause they are my favorite team, and they can't afford any big name players so I thought I'd have a good chance at making the club in a couple of years. However, things did not work out as planned, and much like the fans of the Blue Jays this year, I never made to the Roger's Center to even watch a game, I actually started going backwards. So with frustration setting in, I hung up my cleats and rode off into the sunset, only making it as far as the AAA affiliate Las Vegas, but I was comforted by the fact that my created self took time to enjoy the much gambling and female escorts that Vegas has to offer.

As one career ends another has began, I introduce to you Francisco Martinez, my new player, I decided to make him part African American, part Latin American so there is no way he can fail at baseball, he's tall, he's fast, he's 18, he's everything Ricky Martin has ever sung about. Now since you people who read my blog know I can't do anything normally, I have also given Francisco a back story, so join me as I recant a tale of struggle and hardship, determination, and the innocence of a kid who just wants to play baseball.

Francisco Martinez grew up in the small village of No Existo, in the Latin American region of Hizo. It was a poor village where the chickens out numbered the villagers, and therefore were in charge. Surrounded by his family, parents Eleanora and Roberto, and his siblings Roberto Jr. Bill and Kelly, Francisco had a good childhood, and his family was close, he remembers how every Saturday night he would hop on his bicycle, which was attached to the only radio the family had, and he would pedal for hours and hours as his family sang and danced to the music that played. While riding his bike Francisco dreamed of bigger things, seeing new worlds, new places where chickens weren't in control, but these dreams faded when he realized how hard it would be to make it, and his legs started to cramp up.

.......And then for a long time nothing happened

In his teen years Francisco discovered baseball, and also discovered that he had a natural talent for it, but something was holding him back, he had a defect......I'm sorry he had TO defect, he knew he must travel to America if he wanted his skills to flourish, so that is what he did. He said good bye to his family and the chickens and began his swim to a new life. Now the swim to America gets a bit weird, it involves a dolphin, and a huge tidal wave, and the volleyball from Cast Away, I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe it if I told you so I'll just skip ahead. After years of hard work putting himself through school, his big day came, Francisco got the call, he had been drafted by the Kansas City Royals, and still not knowing much about team rankings, he was very excited by this.

Francisco is currently playing for the Kansas City double A team, the Northwest Arkansas Naturals, I caught up with him recently to find out how things were going, and to say this kid's future is bright is an understatement. I asked him how he likes living in Arkansas and he couldn't say enough nice things about the people there. "You know, the people here, they have been great to me, they are always there to help me train, when I go to run they chase me in large groups to make me run even faster, they light big crosses on my lawn because they know it gets dark and I will have trouble to see at night. The biggest support I think they give me is when they show up at the ballpark and yell words of encouragement like GO HOME, like they want me to score, or YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, just knowing that they think I deserve to be in the majors at my young age keeps me going. I went on to ask Francisco if the American food is any different from his home town. "You know, the food here is much different, but I cannot enjoy it as much as the coach keeps me on a strict diet, and the people here, they help me with that too, sometimes when I want one of your hamburgers and I go to a restaurant, the people here tell me I'm not allowed in, they know I'm not allowed to eat it, and they just want what's best for me, I"m so blessed to be here."

Francisco just got finished a 28 game hitting streak, and is adapting well to his new club, but there is still a lot to learn, when asked if he had gotten any help from any veterans, he was very respectful of them. "You know they have taught me so much, and they want to help so bad, just the other day I met a man, Mr. Bonds his name was, and he gave me these pills, he told me that it would help me to hit the ball far, and if I wanted to be a legend in the sport I should take them. You know he was so nice and how you say selfless, I kept saying thank you Mr. Bonds, thank you, but he yelled at me and told me that if anyone asked where I got them to say it was Roger Clemens." Francisco knows he has a long road to go to make it to the Royals, but he dreams of his family watching him play in the big leagues, he is young, he knows there are many ups and downs ahead, but when he struggles he just remembers the word that the mystical dolphin told him on that fateful day, just when he thought he couldn't swim any more, the dolphin came up next to him, looked him in the eye and said ARRIBA, which of course as the great Bobby Heenan translated, means......swim faster the border guards are coming.

Weather you like it or not

2010-04-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

I've often heard it said that Newfoundland is God's country; however, these past few days someone must have upset him pretty bad cause he has not been liking us too much. First he unleashes a swarm of locusts on the city of St. Johns in the Canadian music industry, I mean K'naan, seriously, Canadian rap music begins and ends with Maestro Fresh Wes, there's no room for anyone else. Secondly, and what I really want to talk about is this weather we've been having, after teasing us with Mr. golden sun for most of March, Mother Nature has done something that not even the diabolical Mr. Burns could do, and block out the sun. Now I would never hurt a woman(except that one time I made my friend and co-worker bleed with a can of whip cream but she sabotaged my tea so she knew what the consequences would be) but these past few days have made me want to march up to Mother Nature and punch her right in the baby-maker.

Ever since Friday(maybe longer, all days are the same for me) we have had a mix of rain, fog, more rain, possible volcanic ash(ashed rain?) thicker fog, and for a brief time today snow. We've had so much rain these past couple of days that I have started working on an ark, progress is slow so far but I'm eating as many Popsicles as I can in order to get all the wood I need, work has been delayed several times by both procrastination and severe ice cream headaches. I've recruited some good help in the ark building process but if anyone else would like to help when we take off I will have two of every dessert on board. As the line in the movie The Crow goes "It can't rain all the time" and this is true, every now and then it turns into a dense layer of fog, although yesterday was 4/20 so maybe it wasn't fog at all, I was awful hungry after being outside for a few minutes. All this fog reminds me of that movie, you know the one with the bad twist at the end, you know that one.......The Village, they both make me upset, and I don't really want to see either again.

But wait, we didn't just get rain or fog, apparently we may have gotten some of Iceland's volcanic as as well. Wasn't it bad enough that you turned Europe into your own personal ash tray? now you have to force us to second hand smoke the equivalent of fifty packs a day(that number is based on estimations purely in my head). Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't there a ban on public smoking, in this province anyway, I think we should levy a fine on this Icelandic Volcano, I'd like to see it go against Danny Williams, wouldn't even be a fair fight, I mean one is an ever erupting mass of hot air, which spews venom towards whatever is against it, and the other is just a stupid hill that spits out molten lava every few decades or so.

At least the rain let up a little today, just enough to give us some snow, do you know what I don't need to see in April, snow. Though I can't really complain about this winter cause we had less snow then usual, and even today the snow only lasted for a few minutes, but winter is over, snow you had your chance to shine, you didn't live up to expectations, so limp out of the way and let the sun have his chance to shine. While I'm on the topic of snow, I find it funny that despite all this rain we are having, there are still some snowbanks left. What are you trying to prove snowbanks, all your friends are gone, go with them, nobody wants to see you anymore, I mean look at you, all dirty, covered in filth, the city has homeless people for that, we don't need you anymore. Sure you were fun once, to climb, and hide behind as I threw snowballs at unsuspecting kids but it's time you moved on.

Recently I discovered this fad called jogging(could be a silent J), apparently you just run, for an extended period of time, and I have set a goal for myself that as part of the weight loss I would jog around the lake by the end of the summer. Well folks if this rain doesn't stop I could reach this goal without even leaving my driveway, it's starting to look like New Orleans post Katrina out there, soaking wet, and Bush wants nothing to do with us. So until the weather clears up I will sit indoors and wait it out, and when I hear the weatherman say sun is coming, I will be as happy about a forecast as when Ricky Martin first found out it was going to be raining men.

Thats news to me

2010-04-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Well overall life is pretty boring these days, I get up, I go to work, I come home, rather, rinse, repeat. Well Thursday was pretty good, morning started off the way mornings should, by running around in the woods shooting people with paint. Paintball is a great sport, it was created for people with a lack of compassion, mercy, and remorselessness such as myself. It got off to a rocky start, as we had a sudden spurt of snow and our balls started to freeze(teeheheheee) which jammed up the guns of some of the guys. As paintball came and went, and plans for more paintball arose, I went back to the mediocrity that is my life, and I decided to see what was going on in the rest of the world. As usual the world continues to be filled with crazy events, and without further ado lets look at some of things going on that are news to me.

It appears that a volcano in Iceland has turned Great Britain and other parts of Europe into the equivalent of a smokey bingo hall, hmmmm wait that reference doesn't fit anymore due to smoking laws, let's tray again. Let's just say that Europe now looks like some of my co-workers cars after a shift. I can honestly say that I don't know much about Iceland, the only thing I know for sure is that I used to hate that level in Super Mario 3, honestly how the hell can you jump off a slippery surface, still beat the game though, take that Bowser. I find it weird and fascinating that a place named Iceland has a volcano, would kinda be like if there was a place named Lava Land that had a skating rink, okay it's nothing like that, or a place in the distant future named WaterWorld that people actually wanted to see. Because of the huge ash clouds, many flights in Europe have been grounded for days, which would have been helpful to the people of Poland if it had to happen a couple of weeks ago, and has also caused Iceland to change it's national slogan to Iceland: If you don't like us you can kiss our ash.

In a story that shows how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, police in Wilkinsburg Pennsylvania say that an eight year old boy distributed heroin to his third grade classmates. I remember being in third grade and being scolded for having junk food, how times have changed. Police said empty bags were found in the trash, but there was no evidence the drugs were used, although when asked about it the students responded by staring at the ceiling and saying that the officers skin was sooooo soft. Can you imagine the stones on the guy that is giving the heroin to the kid to pass out, I mean I know a lot of drug dealers try to hook kids early but why go for the Backyardigans demographic. When I was in third grade the only thing I overdosed on were fun dips, Mom and Dad thought it was cute until I started selling our appliances to get more, thankfully they found help for me and I am still fully recovered.......hmmmm how much can I get for my dvd player i wonder?

On the local front, Canada's version of the Grammy's, the Juno's, are about to start any minute here in St. John's. I haven't kept up on Canadian music very much in these past years but I assume Bryan Adams is still in the running for entertainer of the year, and that Glass Tiger is a shoe in for Group of the Year. The weather has not co-operated much this weekend as a lot of performers were stranded in Halifax by our own personal ash cloud, or as we call it...fog. Fortunately for organizers I believe every one made it, and festivities are going on as planned, for no matter what, nothing takes away a Newfoundlander's ability to party. I hear April Wine is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, good for them, rumors that it was supposed be Rita McNeil's year but there just wasn't enough room for her are unsubstantiated. The big selling point of the Juno's at my work seems to be the arrival of young Justin Bieber, and it's kinda weird to hear them say how hot he is, the kid is like twelve, and yet I make one comment about Miley Cyrus and chloroform and I'm the creepy one, go figure. I can't make predictions cause I don't know who's up for anything but if I had to make one I guess that somebody buys alcohol and the show gets shut down cause Justin Bieber is a minor, causing his popularity to plummet like a Polish president.

Well that's some of the stuff I read this week, again the world is a crazy place, oh and Larry King got divorced again, who the hell keeps marrying this guy, or should I ask how the hell is this guy alive, he's like two hundred years old, I believe he's actually held together by those suspenders, and the weird thing is I bet he gets married again, I can't get a date at an all girls school and Larry freakin King gets married seven times, the world I growed up in is gone.

And that's news to me

What the Duck?

2010-04-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

Anyone remember the episode of Seinfeld where George repeatedly runs into trouble with pigeons and repeatedly states they had a deal with those pigeons? The deal was basically that they stay out of our way and we stay out of theirs, such as them not flying directly in front of cars, causing drivers to swerve, and in the case of George to injure a nearby squirrel. Until this morning I thought this deal applied to ducks as well, but then something happened, something that has turned my world upside down, and has thrown this deal out the window. I woke up early this morning to the sun shining brightly, and I had promised myself last night that if this was the cause I was gonna take advantage, get up early and walk around he lake, and in a rare cause of follow through on my part that's exactly what I did.

So with the ipod fired up and and after the apologies to my legs for having to be used so much at this early hour I set off. I left the apartment and about a half hour later I was at the lake, I was having an enjoyable walk, my head down as usual, music blasting so as I didn't have to hear the inane chatter of others when all of it sudden it hit me, well it almost hit me, a speeding duck, undaunted I continued on, when out of nowhere a second one of these seemingly ninja ducks came flying at me, just missing me and heading into the lake. As mentioned earlier, doesn't the deal apply to ducks as well? I've always been respectful of the duck, sitting majestically by the pond or on the water, always considered them a graceful flier, and while I have never donated to Ducks Unlimited I have never turned off their commercials, as I always learned a lot. However what I learned today was just how stealthy and uncaring these creatures are, sure I was in their flight path, but don't pedestrians have the right of way, they could have stopped and waited, I am a fast walker. Apparently these ducks don't feel this way and didn't care much for me walking through their turf, I still honestly don't know where they came from, I swear I did not see.......wait for it........eider of them.

The rest of the walk was peaceful and uneventful, however I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of all the other ducks that I encountered. It's kinda like seeing a person of Arab descent at an airport, ninety-five percent of the time you know they are harmless but then you get a couple who have no problem flying into something and then you don't know which ones to trust. I'm sorry to the rest of the ducks that will have to pay the consequences for the actions of these two particular ducks, but much like George Costanza said at the end of that Seinfeld episode, from now on we have no deal. So ducks if it's a war you want, much like you I'm down, and you will rue the day you ever almost flew into me.................go ahead start ruing.

So bring your ninja ducks, bring your kamikaze ducks, your ugly ducklings, hell you can even bring those pigeons who sit in with your group attempting to be ducks, I will take on them all. While I thought this day would never come I have prepared for it, my brothers and I played Duck Hunt on Nintendo for hours, and I've also got a combination that you should be most scared of, an itchy trigger finger and a love for roast duck(okay I've never had roast duck, that was just for mind games but I assume it's delicious). I will tear through you all like an enraaaaaaaged mooooooose until I get to your leader, Emilio Estevez, I've seen the movies, I know he controls the ducks, I just have to find him, I know WHERE he is, but it's hard to find obscurity on a map. You wanna sneak up on me, it's gonna be you who will be caught with your pants down(all except Donald and how did he never get arrested for indecent exposure), you don't wanna mess with me for I am truly one bad mother ducker. I may not come back from this battle, or I may have a lot more pillows, but I can use all the help I can get, so readers, who's with me?

Send out the clowns

2010-04-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

In my opinion one of he deadliest combinations in the world is a group of people with an opinion and too much time on their hands. Recently it appears that a group of pitchfork wielding plebians have come together to denounce iconic McDonald's pitchman Ronald McDonald. The group, known as Retire Ronald, says that Ronald is a main reason for childhood obesity, as apparently besides his historic commercials, he often snuck into houses, tied up the parents, and crammed his delicious burgers down the throats of kids. Could this be a bad sign for Ronald? I mean the last time the American people felt this way about a clown, George Bush's opinion poll ratings went into the toilet. It hasn't gotten that bad for the iconic clown yet though, as around sixty-five percent of all Americans say they still have a favorable view of him, George Bush could have found Bin Laden by himself and paraded him through New York and still wouldn't have gotten that rating.

Despite the favorable rating, there are still around fifty-two percent of Americans who believe that cartoonish spokespeople should not be used, meanwhile Vince Schlomi, the Shamwow guy is still allowed on television. The founder of the campaign behind Retire Ronald, Stacy Folsom, said in a statement that "No corporation has done more to hook kids on unhealthy food, influencing brand loyalties and eating habits that can last a lifetime." Apparently this woman has been busy all her life and has never seen a cereal commercial , or that there is an outside world, a world where kids can run and play, work off the food that this devilish clown pumps out into the world. This woman and her group truly has her work cut out for her, because if she succeeds, McDonald's restaurants are everywhere, it's been inside of more people then Tiger Woods, so you can take the clown from the restaurant, but you can't take the food from the people, until about ten minutes or so after you eat it.

Hey, I'm not saying the clown is perfect, sure he tempts us with delicious food and and so much grease, but think of all the good he's done. As the article states he is the spokesperson behind Ronald McDonald house, a worthy charity, he is the face of awareness for literacy and physical education, and hey in most every commercial he often fended off the threats of the nefarious Hamburgler (okay I added the last one). I tried to get a word from the legendary clown but all I got was a grimace, and who the hell can understand what that big purple simpleton is saying. Obviously there are no plans to take Ronald McDonald out behind the shed and shoot him, as replacing him would no doubt cost millions, and besides I'm sure he has some powerful friends, Mayor McCheese anyone.

Personally I think this campaign to oust Ronald stems from the irrational fear of clowns that most people have. It's either that or a conspiracy started by none other then the sinister Burger King, you people think clowns are creepy, believe me, Stephen King's It could have been about the Burger King and it still would have been just as creepy. Back to the fear of clowns for a second, to all those people who are afraid, picture this, what if Ronald McDonald is in fact evil, what if he has a vindictive side, for if he does all the people who call for him to be put out to pasture should watch their backs.

Don't sleep.....................or the clown will eat you.

How I think Lost will end

2010-04-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hi again everyone, hope everybody is having a Good Friday, since everyone was eating fish today work was not that busy, I guess everyone came in last night because Holy Thursday Batman was it ever busy. Anywho, now that the Easter related puns are out of the way we are soon approaching a sad time in television as not just one, but two of my favorite shows are coming to an end. Last week it was confirmed that this is the last season of 24, as Jack Baur has now killed everyone and there is no one left, also something all fans knew, was that this is the last season of Lost, and with only six or so episodes left, there is rampant speculation over how the show will end. Everyone has theories, everyone has opinions, and everyone has opinions on the theories, for the most part I've kept quiet, just enjoying the ride of the last season, but with the end near here are some theories on how I think they will end the show.

Everyone knows there is a big battle coming, the teams have already been decided, but I don't think it's as simple as two teams fighting. No one really knows for certain what Charles Widmore is up to but I think I have an idea. We have Jacob, the man in white, we have Smokey, the man in Black, so I think Widmore will show his true colors, in one of the final scenes he will come out with a random unexplained monkey, and be dressed in yellow. It will be discovered that the monkey is actually Curious George(and if he expects any answers to his questions he better remember that this is Lost, and that's not happening) setting up an epic battle between Jacob, the Man in Black, and the Man in the Yellow Hat. The show will end with all three fighting, and then do the famous Lost swoosh with no decisive winner, to see how the show ends all Lost fans who haven't committed suicide or tried to murder the writers will have to wait for the new Curious George book, Curious George gets Lost, to hit bookshelves later this year.

Perhaps this idea is a little out there and the writers chose to go in a different direction, perhaps they take the sad route and the Losties discover that there is no way for them to get home, and they are stuck there forever. With fear of never being rescued(again anyway) setting in Hurley snaps and starts to eat them all, he starts with Jin, but since it's Asian food he's only hungry again in a half an hour anyway. Flash ahead a little bit as we see Hurley sitting on the beach gnawing on one of Jack's legs, when all of a sudden he sees a mysterious ship. In the last scene we see Hurley heading home, patting his stomach saying "Well at least i got to take all you guys with me" then his stomach rumbles and he runs to the bathroom saying *well I guess not all of you." On a serious note, a most likely stupid theory I hold out for is that they go the sixth sense route, I mean we know Hurley can talk to dead people so what if all the original group died and Hurley survived and he's the only one who can see them, there's no way this is gonna happen of course, cause I've seen the people who comment about Lost on the internet, it would cause more of a riot then when all those cops where trying to get those ants of Rodney King.

The final and most logical theory I have of how Lost will end...............with the credits of course. I, like all of the Lost fans am on the edge of my seat wondering how the writers will tie all this together, they've never disappointed me with a season finale before so I am confident I will enjoy the ending, unless they use Journey's Don't Stop Believin for the final scene and the screen goes blank before the big reveal, others might think your a genius David Chase, but I needed closure on the Sopranos anecdote. You left me to make up my own conclusion, do you have any idea what I'm capable of coming up with, I was months thinking Tony Soprano got killed in a epic battle with Grimace from the Mcdonalds commercial and some random mime, please Lost writers don't make me think this happens to Jack.

Jesus vs The Easter Bunny: The Battle for Easter Supremacy

2010-03-31T07:42:00.001-07:00

vs

This coming weekend brings to us Easter, and much like Christmas the real reason behind Easter often gets overshadowed by marketing and delicious chocolate. Now I'm hardly the most religious person in the world, I haven't read the bible since I was in school and teachers tried to beat me over the head with it, and I mean that literally, some teachers tried to use it as a club. A more blasphemous person, who is definitely not me, would say that Easter is a time when Jesus went out and got hammered, slept it off for a couple of days, and came back stronger then ever on Sunday. However, the man did what many say they would do, but most likely wouldn't do and he died for something he believed in, but it seems these days that fact is negated by the dark cloud that hangs over Easter, the fuzzy menace that is the Easter Bunny.

I've often wondered who would win a fight between Jesus and the Easter Bunny. Of course me being a huge wrestling fan often pictures the promos leading up to this fight to be nothing short of epic, and I think they would sound something like this:

Interviewer: Well Jesus, we are just minutes away from your match with the Easter Bunny, what are your thoughts.

Jesus: You know these past weeks I've heard the comments from the fans out there, I hear what they are saying, Jesus Christ, Superstar, do you think you're what they say you are? Well tonight Easter Bunny I'm going to prove to you and the millions...........................and millions of my followers out there that I am who I say I am. You go around, Easter Bunny, laying chocolate eggs of deceit, and I have to ask, what do eggs have to do with Easter anyway, chickens lay eggs, I KNOW, my father created them for heaven's sakes. I've heard the Easter Bunny say I'm gonna need a miracle tonight, well that won't be necessary..... *holds up an object* I've got my lucky rabbit's foot*walks away*

Interviewer: Well there you have, strong words from Jesus, now lets go to my colleague to hear from the Easter Bunny.

Interviewer 2: Easter Bunny what are your thoughts on the comments from Jesus?

The Easter Bunny: Ya know I'm sick and tired of everybody talking about that guy, I mean the way they talk about him you'd swear he walked on water or somethin..........

Interviewer 2: ummmm he did.....

The Easter Bunny: SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK......Jesus you sit there and you preach about your psalms and your bible passages, well Bunny 3:16 says I'M GONNA WHIP YOUR BUTT. Have you ever seen Night of the Lepus Jesus? do you have any ideas of the evil that my species is capable of? I swear you can run but you can't hide, and I when I find you in that ring Jesus the results are gonna be the same as the last time your enemies found you. In just mere moments Jesus when I hop down that bunnytrail and I hit you with my rabbit punches not even your father will be able to help you. You say you have a lucky rabbit's foot, bring it, and bring all the miracles you can because tonight victory is gonna be just like all the chocolate I bring to people......sweet.

After these promos I picture a struggle of titanic proportions, featuring much bloodshed, weapons galore and Jesus eventually pulling a victory by a..............wait for it..........hare. So for the younger generation who might not know the real story of Easter and are just excited about the chocolate and gifts(when did gift giving become part of Easter anyway) and the torturous Easter Egg hunts, I say go and learn, it's a pretty cool story. If your like me and want to skip the bible route(talk about a preachy book) go and watch Jesus Christ Superstar, it has awesome guitar and you almost see boobs. Now if you'll excuse me it's time to locate some food *looks around* hey, a rice crispy Jesus, man I love Easter.

Everyone say hi to my new bundle of joy

2010-03-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

She was brought into my world yesterday, and I must say she is stunning. No, I'm not talking about a baby, the world is not ready for me to be a parent, I of course am talking about my brand new computer. The old computer, while doing mostly fine the last few days, was still suffering from the virus that overtook it, and while I could have gotten my sidekick the bearded one to look at it, lord knows I don't work that way, and enjoy wasting my money. So after shutting off the old computer for the last time it was off to Futureshop, I'm always amazed by the technology they have there, especially the technology that enables the staff to disappear whenever you need help. I found a computer that caught my eye, the shiny sparking HP Athlon II, it's much faster then I need, has much more space then I could ever use, which I assume means the hamster inside will have to run twice as hard to keep it powered.

With the computer picked out I brought it up to the desk to pay for it. While I like to think I'm a pretty strong guy, computers are heavy and they tend to get heavier when the cashier tends to ramble on to the customer ahead of me, and also proceeds to clumsily put his computer tower into a bag. Finally I was able to lay the computer down and pay for it, but not until I had to face an intense sales pitch about the Futureshop long term warranty. I felt I had spent enough on the computer so I didn't really want to get the warranty at that moment, so I asked if i could get it later, this seemed to anger the all too lonely woman behind the cash. Perhaps it reminded of her of all the guys who said they would call later but never did, perhaps she was upset cause she wouldn't get the commission, or that she didn't make the sale, cause boy she really wanted that sale. She kind of looked like the real estate agent Connie on the Simpsons, I kept expecting her to scream at her co-workers to "STAY OFF THE UPPER WEST SIDE."

With the computer now mine, we brought it home to set it up, and begin my new era of computating. Set up was a breeze, the bearded one just hooked up this thing into the other thing, and said the magic words, and I was ready to cruise down the internet highway once again. It was a little bit later I became worried as terrible sounds started coming from my computer, I breathed a sigh of relief as I discovered it was not the computer, but I was watching the video of American Idol from the night before. I don't want to say this year's contestants are weak but really if anybody unless that Crystal girl wins, we are gonna have another Taylor Hicks on our hands. Does anyone know what ever happened to him? I heard a rumor that he was eaten by Ruben Studdard, can anybody back that up?

Overall I'm very satisfied with my new computer, and Windows 7 (Revenge of the Gates!) seems pretty easy to use. I tried to claim it was my idea but two Microsoft flunkies beat the crap out of me, but they can't take the computer, I already peed on it to mark my territory so no one wants to go near it. I look forward to many years of virus free surfing, it comes with Norton(HEY NORRRTON) 2010 so I'm covered for a while anyway, it's powerful too, it even prevents against polio, that's right not even those guys on the horses with the clubs can't even hurt it. To my old computer I say that we had some good memories together, and while your going to have to go the way of Old Yeller it's nothing personal. It's just that your time was up, you were a shell of your former self, and I had to find something faster, and sleeker, and younger......hey I feel just like Jesse James when he confessed to Sandra Bullock.

All you ever do is bring me down

2010-03-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw you, I had heard about you for some time, seen you around, but I never made a move, despite all my friends saying I should give you a try. After much debate on my part I decided to make a move, and it was then our relationship got started, and while it had much fun times, you have caused me a lot of stress over the years. I was there with you from the beginning, I was there by your side through all your family problems, the grief it caused, and the downward spiral it led you on, destroying your soul and all those around you. I watched and helped you fight all the demons that came down on you, as you were tormented, so was I, but still you cause me such grief, but why?

I know it's hard for you to make anyone happy, I've watched you go through hell and back to get yourself on the right path again. I've watched you claw and fight tooth and nail, and do things that denied the realm of possibility, and I like to think that I helped you along the way, but still you make me wanna tear what little hair I have left out of my head. I thought we had closure the first time it ended between us, we had gone as far as we could go, and there was nothing further for us to do together, it was hard, it was a sad time but eventually I moved on. As days drifted into weeks and weeks into months I found others that I enjoyed, but there was still a longing for you, and some weeks later you were back in my life. Destiny is a weird thing, and as fate would have it I was introduced to you again by a co-worker, and it just felt right, we picked up exactly where we left off.

Then the honeymoon ended, and it was like old times again, you still had those issues with your dad, and once again as you struggled with him, so did I. As hard as it was I like to think that we made more progress on our second try, we were like one you and I, as you fought the skeletons in your closet, so did I, as you fought the monsters that tormented your soul, so did I. We were so close to getting you better, we were winning, and then all of a sudden of it stopped, you were climbing that mountain, you were on your way to redemption, and all of a sudden you just stopped, and it frustrated me, made me mad and I didn't want to see you anymore, can you blame me? we were so close.

That was a couple of years ago, I had never forgotten you, you were always in the back of my mind, I even talked about you with friends every now and then, but I didn't think I would ever see you again. That is until last week, last week I saw you again, and all the feelings and memories of good times came rushing back and I knew I must try you again, I had to put a rest to all of our unfinished business. It was a few days after you came back into my life that I got to experience you again and it was like old times, we were in sync like we always were, but with the good came the bad, all those feelings of rage, and frustration building up inside me again.

I don't know, I keep giving you chances, and you keep driving me insane. I mean all I wanna do is help you Kratos to fulfill your destiny of killing Zeus and destroying Mt. Olympus. Why then God of War III makers did you have to make this so hard for me? do you enjoy my pain and suffering?........What? Why are you looking at me like that? What did you think I was talking about?

Random Stuff

2010-03-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

No matter where I go, or who I talk too, they always ask me the same question, and my answer is always the same, no I can't change my face, I was born like this, now go suck a lemon, yes ocassionally I like to talk like a 1940's gang member. Actually they ask me how I come up with the stuff that I come up, and I like to think it's because the world in my head is a lot more interesting then my actual life. Overall I'm a pretty boring person, I get up, I go to work, I chase kids away from my house with a stick, you know the normal things, and other then that not much happens in my life to discuss. Every so often my mental system shuts down and I have trouble putting anything on here, so today I'm just gonna discuss some recent activities that have gone on around me.

This past week has been an enjoyable one as my dad is gracing me with his presence. Triva: did you know there are at least 28,000 curse words in the English language? Well apparently there are and this week I've heard them all. Watching my dad and his dog interact would make a hell of a sitcom as the comedy is endless. It has been said, and I think I've said it on here before that my dad could curse for a half hour without repeating himself but don't be fooled, unlike the visitors on the ABC show V, my dad really is of peace, always. I don't get to spend much time with him anymore so having him here has been a nice treat. With dad comes his dog Tocc, our lovable irish setter who is one of the funniest and cutest dogs I've ever seen, sure I'm not getting much sleep in the morning as she wakes me up every hour, but it's nice being woken up by a girl who won't talk back(reason 212 why I'm single).

A strange thing has happened to me recently as last week someone stole an hour from me, it was there when I went to bed but when I woke it was gone. I don't know how the time thieves got in my house but they must have drugged me as I woke up a lot more tired then usual. Reading my brother's blog made me see that it was some guy from New Zealand who stole my hour, but really why would he want it, and unlike my brother I don't care how good the Lord of the Rings movies were New Zealand can cram it with walnuts cause nobody, but nobody steals time from me and gets away with it. I feel for my family members who have kids and have a big disadvantage in the battle to get thier kids to bed on time, I was lucky, I managed to get my sleep back, I just watched CBC nightly programming, slept like a baby.

In enterainment and sports news Corey Haim was laid the rest this week in Toronto, the city has moved on and is now planning funeral services for the playoff birth of the Toronto Raptors. Tiger Woods made a statement announcing he was returning to golf in April at the Masters, he concluded his statement by asking "Where are all the white women at?" If you have been following his show on Spike tv, it appears Jesse James really is a dead man. James, knowing that he married a much better looking person then him, apologized profusely to Sandra Bullock, but when you get someone who is out of your league the first time it's hard to get them back. Look at Lance Armstrong, I bet when he saw Sheryl Crow he was like "Man I'd cut off a testicle to be with her" and he did, and he fooled it up and look where it got him; truly, the ball is still in her court.

So that's what's going on around here, Monday begins the countdown to the holiest day of the year.......Wrestlemania. What? did you think I was talking about Easter Sunday? I've seen Jesus Christ Superstar(best rock opera ever btw) so I know how that story ends, but I really can't tell who's winning between Undertaker and Shawn Micheals. Sure Easter is gonna have a good Friday, but next week is gonna be an awesome Sunday.

Walmart is Rolling Back......on African Americans

2010-03-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone, it's me again, I haven't been around lately as I've been suffering from a bit of writer's blog...ck, and also I've been broken up about the death of Cory Haim. Oh Corey, you were a beacon of light in a dark world, one that burned out too bright, you stole our hearts in such movies as the Goonies and ..........wait what, that was Corey Feldman, then who the hell was Corey Haim.....what's that you say..... License to Drive....that movie sucked, no wonder he never worked again. Well now I'm gonna have to take down my Corey Feldman shrine since I'm mistaken, then again it is a shrine to all his awesome movies so it's not taking up that much space, so I guess there's no harm done.

While surfing the fountain of information that is known as the internetz I stumbled across an article that surprised and shocked me. At at Walmart in Wasthington Township in Southern New Jersey this past Sunday, shoppers were shocked and appalled when a voice came on the speaker and said "Attention Walmart customers, all black people leave, leave the store now." What shocks me and surprises me is that I'm not really surpised that someone would do this, as yes sadly people like this do still exist. The article reports that a manager quickly jumped on the intercom to smooth out the situation, saying that all African American patrons were more then welcome to stay but asked that they moved quietly to the back of the store, ok I added that last part.

As one can imagine criticism was quick and harsh, with many shoppers voicing their displeasure that such a message should be heard, one woman a Mrs Helen Lovejoy was heard to scream "WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN." One (real) customer and her friend who were shopping at the time said they are going to boycott the store until the matter was resolved to their liking, I can't see this being a great protest as that's exactly what the voice asked them to do, but hey we can't all be Rosa Parks I guess. Personally if I was them I'd take it one step further and leave New Jersey altogether. Of course if I lived in New Jersey I'd take any excuse to get out of there. I can only assume that the African American community is up in arms over this story. Somewhere Al Sharpton had a stroke, recovered, spent hours fixing his hair, then had a stroke again. Reporters were horrifed at Oprah's reaction, as when she was approached for comment she was found eating mass quantities of food. When asked if the binge was a reaction to the story, Oprah looked puzzled and asked "what story?"

According to the article this is not the first time Walmart has suffered from racial tensions. A few years back they settled a lawsuit with a man who was upset over their hiring policies for truck drivers. When approached for comment, one of the CEO's of Walmart said the man was offered a job picking all the cotton out of the medicine capsule bottles, he also went on to say that he probably shouldn't have said that. They also got into trouble for allegedly passing over women for men in regards to raises and promotions on a number of occasions, this lawsuit was settled out of court as the women were given gift cards and shopping sprees and told how nice they looked that day, turns out all they needed was some attention.

The African American communtiy has made great strides throughout the years, but there are people in the world who are still stuck back in the old days, and sadly this is not gonna change anytime soon. Martin Luther King jr, Barack Obama, Aunt Jemima, the Cream of Wheat guy, these are just some of the many pioneers that this great community has given us. The person I feel really bad for is President Obama, the man rises up, becomes the first African American American president, then is universally criticized for his healthcare reform, and now is not even allowed in Walmart, for every step forward there is truly two steps back.

To the person to got on the speaker and gave that message I say grow up, and get with the times, it's the Muslims who are the evil ones now remember, I mean I don't think they are evil, I like the Muslim people, oh god if any American politicians are reading this I'm gonna get myself bombed. Lord knows I don't want to cause an incident between our two countries, after allwho would operate on our premier then.?

And the award goes too.......

2010-03-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

Before I start I wanna make a correction to my last post, where I said it was a guy who made the Hurt Locker, turns out it was a woman, hmmm who knew, I guess I should've watched the movie. Women directors...what's next, giving them the right to vote(reason #97, article 2 of why I'm still single). With that out of the way I wanted to give my thoughts on the Oscars that occurred this past Sunday night. Since I have the attention span of a hummingbird it is hard to for me to sit through me things like this unless it's wrestling or mma where people are hurting each other for my entertainment, the only awards shows I can find like that are the Soul Train or BET awards. However I did make it through all of Titanic, but that's only because there was promise of Kate Winslet's boobs, I hoped there was going to be a repeat when she came out to present an award, but alas, the only boobs I saw were some of the people who accepted the awards.

There were some real surprising moments during the ceremony, I really thought Barbara Striesand got robbed for best special effects because how she talked without moving her face blew me away more then anything James Cameron did in Avatar. Another person that surprised me was Miley Cyrus, not only is she freakishly tall, but at what point did she start to sound like the Mike Myer's old Jewish woman character from Saturday Night Live, she was even verclempt and everything. I thought the In Memorium was thoughtful, and accurate, as I had forgotten Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Ricardo Montalban had died too. There is a lot of fuss over this, Roger Ebert just got his voice back and now the Academy has gone and left him speechless again. For some reason Micheal Jackson was included in there, but yet no love for Billy Mays, the Oxy-clean man, I bet all the clothes worn there that night had been oxy-cleaned at some point, it's only fitting they remember him.

As usual there were a few movies nominated that I hadn't heard of, everyone seemed to rave about the movie Precious and the lead actress Gaborey Cinnabun.....er Sidibe, and rightfully so cause I think she would have eaten them. I know I know, obesity is a major problem these days, and I'm not the smallest person in the world but I was totally expecting her to have a big old turkey leg in her mouth when they randomly cut to her, I mean honestly when they first showed her my first thought was to scream "OH CRAP, they got Jabba the Hut", no jabba de jabba osssscarrrrr. One thing that does stay the same every year is Ben Stiller's pathetic attempt to be funny, this year centered around Avatar. Everyone seemed to think he was blue because he was an Avatar, I just figured he was blue because he was trying to hard, better luck next year Bennie

So to end I just wanna say congratulations to all the winners, not just because you won but you managed to sit through that entire ceremony, hell I should have gotten an Oscar for it. Congratulations to Sandra Bullock for winning cause she has a convincing accent, congratulations to Jeff Daniels, just don't get a hold of Woody Harrelson's stash before you accept an award, wait who am I kiddin, that was totally his. It's a good thing there is no dope testing at the ceremonies is all I'm saying, I joke of course, I'm sure all the celebrities are clean, as a matter of fact I think the only dope I spotted was Colin Farrell, although too much exposure to him is harmful to your health, with side effects including raised levels of douchebagedness. And to James Cameron, sucks to be you man, 1o years of your life on your dream project, the highest grossing movie of all time, which beat out one of your own movies, only to see your oscar dreams ravished like a post oscar buffet in front of that Precious girl. However, you shouldn't worry James, you may have lost to your ex-wife, but you know where she lives, just pee in her air vent while she's out of the house, that'll teach her to bust yer tomaters.

I toiled not on the Sabbath, and it was sweet

2010-03-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a rare Sunday off for me, this day of rest made me feel a little like Jesus, only I turned water into tea, and nobody worships me........yet. There was a bit of a scare to start the day as I recieved a call from work, but today I decided I was not going to answer the phone, they later called back to and told me to ignore the message they left on my phone and that they didn't need me after all. Unfortunately for them I don't know how to check my voicemail(Duncan you are still trapped in my phone, one day I will free you) so with that scare out of the way, I faced the day and eagerly awaited my trip to the Smitty's breakfast buffet.

Now I don't know what evil being came up with the idea of a buffet, what kind of sadist says to a man "here, come eat, you can have all the pig you want." For the most part these days I deprive myself of bacon, so as you can imagine I hit that buffet harder then a tornado on a trailer park. The food didn't know what do it when it saw me approaching, the eggs scrambled, the French toast surrendered cause it's French, the Canadian bacon stayed behind and tried to keep the peace, but it was all futile, as one by one they fell. Honestly, I didn't eat that much, well by buffet standards anyway, but what I had was pretty good, it beats my usual breakfast of a Cheerios and a banana, a meal that's duller then my social life.

After hitting a Tim Horton's for a caffinated beverage(as a side note, up yours Roll in the Rim) and driving around a bit, the sidekick and I decided to go see a movie, cause on a non NFL season Sunday what else is there to do. The movie we saw was Cop Out, starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, and directed by Kevin Smith. I have to say that while Kevin Smith may not be able to take off these days, the comedy in this movie does, maybe it's because I have a weird and stupid sense of humor but I laughed very hard at this movie. There is something about an 11 year old getting hit in the crotch that just makes my eyes water for some reason, and I'm a sucker for Tracy Morgan since his days on SNL as Brian Fellows. It's nice to see that Bruce Willis has a sense of humor, I mean if I were married to Demi Moore(and it happen will someday as soon as I find the right DNA codes from that lock of hair) and I was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, I'd probably feel like kissing the end of a rifle. However I'm pretty sure Willis could beat the daylights out of Kutcher so he's probably just picking his spot.

As what the rest of this evening will bring, who knows, as I look through the tv guide I see there is an episode of Celebrity Rehab on, with guest host Alec Baldwin.......oh wait I'm sorry that's the Oscars. While on the subject on the Oscars here are some of my predictions. I predict a male will win for best actor, and a woman for best actress, it will be boring, and Ben Stiller will be in some horrible skit. I think if they wanna make the Oscars more current, there is only thing they should do, decide the big awards by putting them in the octagon, UFC style. If James Cameron wants best picture for Avatar, he should have to earn it, who cares if he worked on it for ten years, if he can't beat the guy who made the Hurt Locker(a good MMA nickname btw) then he shouldn't be able to accept it.

The Digital Age

2010-03-05T17:55:00.000-08:00

Wednesday was a bittersweet day in the apartment, as we said goodbye to the trusty(well trusty if the weather was nice) satellite and switched to digital cable. Not only did I say goodbye to the satellite but I said goodbye to the outside world and personal hygiene as well, as with cable comes the WWE on demand channel, so I have prepared my rag on a stick, I have my huge chocolate muffins, and the next time those close to me see me it will be on the news as they cut the side of my apartment to get my morbidly obese frame to the hospital. I awoke early Wednesday morning to prepare for the arrival of the cable guy, he should feel special because I actually cleaned the apartment, and I still have no idea how that racoon got in the kitchen, or how long he'd been there for that matter.

At 9:45 I got the call I looked forward too, he was approaching, the conveyer of cable, the deity of digital. Not long after he arrived and began his setup process, I noticed that the air had changed, our cable guy had a certain musk to him, I can only describe it as a combination of cigarettes and shame. Jeff's cable was ready first, as he has the standard box for his television in his room, I had to wait a little longer because I got the high definition box, and wow is HD ever pretty. That is, until you see Bob McKenzie's freakishly large head on TSN, truly a scary sight, but not near as scary as what I came upon next. While surfing through my selection of HD channels I landed on CNN, and my memory gets foggy here as Nancy Grace was on and reports were they could hear my screams from down the road, I mean standard definition Nancy Grace looks like something from a George A. Romero movie, HD Nancy Grace actually turned me to stone for several minutes.

One thing I've noticed is that while there are a lot of channels, it is a lot of the same channels over again, I have three A&E's, that is a lot of David Caruso folks, I guess I........ *removes shades* better change my channel*puts on shades* yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. As I had envisioned, I didn't get to do much channel surfing on the first day as I saw a Von Erich on WWE on demand and I had to watch, and I was hooked after that, I later watched WCW, I haven't watched that many old people fight since my last family reunion. When I did channel surf I noticed a lot of channels I had missed that I didn't have on satellite, some good syndication programs, and as mentioned above A&E. Has there anybody that has ever hosted a show on that channel that wasn't Bill Curtis, now he's awesome and all, but dude is old and he's gotta be getting tired, and what happens when he dies, perhaps robot Bill Curtis maybe. I do love A&E though, even if with all the reality shows it's had more B and C list celebrities on it then Paris Hilton.

Like everything else I'm sure digital cable will have it's advantages and disadvantages. At least I can count on it not to abandon me in a storm. Even though I'm probably gonna get carpel tunnel syndrome using the remote, it seriously takes like half an hour to go through all the channels, just to find out I wanted to watch Family Guy that was on like channel seven or something. Time will tell how me and my cable will co-exist, I'm fairly easy to please, as long as it doesn't mess with my pay-per-views and gives me some quality entertainment it won't have a problem. I really don't think I will be getting rid of it anytime soon though, as really the only alternative I have is having Jeff act out my favorite tv shows, and while his interpretive dance is a surprise hit at parties, his acting is Coronation Street level at best.

How my recent computer troubles are just like Lost

2010-03-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Today marked an important day in the apartment as the changeover from satellite to digital cable was complete. I will discuss this more in the coming days as I have yet to figure it all out(haven't got passed WWE 24/7 yet) as today I got called into work on my day off and couldn't get to explore anymore. My brother felt bad for calling me in but he knows I have the work ethic of an asian hooker, I won't stop till I get paid, and that I didn't mind coming in. Despite the new technology it is my older technology that is taking front and center as the old computer has been acting up these past few days. In the search to try and fix it I have come to the conclusion that my recent troubles have a lot in common with my favorite show Lost, so if your not a fan of Lost you may have no idea what I'm talking about, but if your a fan of Lost......well you will probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

My computer like the pre-island 815 passengers has lived a normal life, it has it's ups and downs but normally runs quite smoothly. That is until one faithful day there was a crash, it was unexpected, and everything around it was in shambles. As the computer looked around for any programs it could find to help it survive, all it got was a huge smoke screen, which up to this point it is rather ambigious if the smoke(y) screen is evil or not. Sometime after the crash it was discovered that there was a mysterious illness or virus if you will, that was affecting programs and making them go crazy, messing with the head of the computer and making it do things that it wouldn't have done before. The comparison got really freaky when I saw what appeared to my dad standing across the room, but on closer inspection it was just a picture.

Another similarity of both is that they both have the presence of a big giant foot. In Lost the giant foot is home to the mysterious Jacob, whereas in the life of my computer, the big giant foot was my size 11 that it almost got when it wouldn't obey my orders and work properly. At least in the world of my computer it would know where the foot came from and exactly what purpose it served. Having no further options(yelling at it was providing no answers) I went into the system recovery, and did a system restore, thereby matching the Lost survivors in the ability to time travel. My computer has leapt back to December of last year, with only vague memories of the events that took place.

I guess the big way that my computer situation is similar to Lost is that as of right now I have more questions than answers, I still have no idea what's going on for the most part, and I'm probably not gonna like how it ends. In all honesty I'm gonna enjoy how Lost ends, I'll be happy as long as they at least try and answer most stuff. I'm also probably gonna enjoy how the computer situation ends, because it will probably end up with me getting a new computer, and taking some form of ammunition to the old one. The computer seems to be fine for now anyway, there is a mysterious information not found window that pops up, but with the press of a button the world(of my computer) is safe again.

If your not a fan of Lost, your not gonna have any idea what I'm talking about, but let it be said that my sanctuary is not a place for needing to know what your talking about. Trust me when I say that trying to find answers to this situation is exhausting, now I know how Mariah Carey feels when she tries act sane, or how Ellen Degeneres feels when she keeps trying not to stare at the female contestants on American Idol. Don't worry everyone, I didn't have to "assume" she was gay, she came out years ago, so that was a telltale sign. With only eight more hours left until we get to the end of Lost I'm hoping I have more time then that with the computer, because then you people wouldn't get my non-sensical ramblings(who out there said yay) and with that comes the last comparison, as it's been a long day and I'm quite tired so I'm about to get Lost.

Olympics come to an end, Sports Networks not ready to move on

2010-03-01T06:18:00.000-08:00

The end of the Olympics was a fitting celebration to a great two weeks for Canada. Sure, things may have started out rough, things got a little off track when ummmm that Georgian luger went off track, but by the time our medals started piling in we forgot all about him. Canada did not finish first in the medal standings like officials were hoping but we set a record for most gold medals and despite a few minor heart attacks we got our gold in hockey, so I guess we as a nation should be happy. Now that the Olympics are over, people will go back to their everyday lives, but this is not so easy for some people as there have been reports that the two major sports networks, TSN and Sportsnet are now in a state of panic. It seems that with the all day every day coverage of the Olympics they have forgotten how to show other sports, and they are not ready to let go of the Olympics.

Production meetings turned to shouting matches when both networks tried to figure out what programs to show, one broadcaster was reported as saying "Basketball, is that the sport with the little net and the round ball they have to keep bouncing, they don't wear skates, I can't call that." Further disturbing evidence that the networks were not ready to move on came from an intern from one of the networks that would like to remain nameless. "Well there was a bunch of us, we were working, getting coffee and what not and the next thing we know we are being told to strap on these snowboards and ride down the stairs.........and they just stood there......and they made us do it........and they just........oh good *weeps* ......they just wouldn't stop commentating." The source went on to say that despite feeling a little happy he won the office gold medal, the mental scars would stay with him for a long time.

The weirdness does not end there as it seems both Sportsnet and TSN had trouble getting their reporters out of Vancouver. When the plane landed to pick up Micheal Landsberg, he tried to run screaming "NOT YET, I'VE ALMOST GOT JENNIFER HEDGER'S PHONE NUMBER, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME." When he was found at Whistler something strange had happened to Sportsnet broadcaster Jaime Campbell, as all he kept repeating was his name, his address, and kept repeating the words "this great country" over and over again. However, the award for most awkward has to go to Darrent Dutysher......Dutsychine.......whatever that's a terrible last name to spell....of TSN. He was chased all throughout Robson Square proclaiming he wasn't ready to go back yet, when he was finally subdued, he suffered a breakdown and as he was being dragged away started singing the I believe song at the top of his lungs. The only one who seemed to take it well as Brian Williams, as he was escortedly easily to his tomb, where he shall rest until the next Olympic games.

As of this moment both networks are not sure how to handle this strange situation. As I look at both networks this morning TSN has Sportscentre on in a continuous loop, the same for Sportsnet with their Connected program, so I guess nothing has been figured out yet. It is no doubt a hard time to adjust for the networks, going back to the regular mundane sports, where nobody has to be fast, or gets to shoot on skis. However there is a light at the end of the tunnel as Wednesday is trade deadline day in Hockey, the reporters just get to sit around and talk, and I'm sure they fill the dead spaces with talk about how dreamy Crosby is and how they want to have his babies after he scored the goal.......Gretzky who.

Chile to Haiti: Anything you can do we can do better

2010-02-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

It appears God was angry yet again today and took his frustration out on Chile, prompting a massive 8.8 earthquake. Details are shaky (no pun intended.....okay maybe a little intended) but there are now fears that a massive tsunami could strike several places including Hawaii, causing them to move their most valuable citizens, Don Ho, and Dog the Bounty Hunter to higher ground. The head Chile bean Sebastisn Pinera made a statement saying that his country is one of catastophres, and don't quote me on this but I believe he went on to say that Haiti could suck it, and to call him if they ever get a real earthquake. In what is being described as an early silver lining for the Chilean people, it is the two week anniversary of the new We are the World song, so to celebrate all the performers are getting together again, then they will pay further tribute by eating a local Chili's restuarant. Also, you can bet that as soon as he heard the news, George Clooney dropped the little Haitian baby he was holding and is already in Chile planning a telethon at this very second, he is Batman after all, maybe the bottom of the barrel of Batmans but a Batman none the less.

One thing that got my attention in the report I read is that the journalist seemed techinically happy, yet kinda sad that the death toll was only at 200, and that it probably wouldn't rise very much more. I guess nothing brings in ratings like people dying, just look at Joey, even that had a strong start till NBC pulled the plug, cause NBC likes to kill things, sometimes I think their president is Jack Kevorkian, then I think Kevorkian, that's a funny name. Sadly it appears that the Chilean Olympic team will the miss the closing ceremonies, which shocks me because for the life of me I couldn't even remember that Chile had an Olympic team. While I'm sure their Winter Olympics was a disappointment, something tells me their track and field team just got a hell of a lot better, London here we come.

So it appears as I read further that the tsunami warnings for Hawaii have been lifted, and I say good for Hawaii, you've come a long way from the days when you couldn't see the attacks coming , and I see the warnings are still there for Japan, you guys just keep getting the last laugh on the Japanese don't you. It's important that despite the tragedy and disaster that occurred today that everyone remember about Haiti. If you've been living under a rock for the past couple of months you either haven't heard about the earthquake, or your actually in Haiti. After hearing the comments of the head Chile bean, the Haitian president responded with "you call that devastation, our rainy season is about to hit, so up your nose with a rubber house." Who knew the Haitian president was actually a member of the sweathogs.

I'm not sure why these disasters happen to the lesser off countries, but these things always have a way of bringing people together. I mean the girls at work do jeans day for charity every Friday so who says nothing good comes out of a bad situation. Situations like these make me appreciate more where I come from and where I live, because if the biggest complaint I have weatherwise is that I have to shovel for two hours I think my life is pretty good. I'm sure Chile will rebuild out of all this, and I'm sure people will reach into their pockets and give what they have left after Haiti, but one thing is for sure if any more of these disasters happen, North America is gonna need another stimulus package.

Get a Rooms

2010-02-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

As a wise man once said "good things don't end with eum, they end in mania, or teria", with that philosophy in mind I decided today to make a visit to our local museum, the Rooms. It was mostly just to say that I was there if anyone asked and also to get a sneak peak at the history of our quiant little province. All in all it was a fascinating waste of a couple of hours, the museums had some interesting exhibits, and they had some need little artifacts. There were many pictures of famous Newfoundlanders, and better times when fish were plentiful, St. johns had not caught fire yet, and women knew their place.

The feature exhibit this month was about the various birds of Newfoundland, I had fun looking at all the different varieties of birds, at one point I yelled at the guy next to me "DUCK" he regretted looking strangely at me when that object thrown by the little kid hit him in the head. After a while I got tired of the birds staring back at me with their dead eyes so I decided to check out one of the art galleries. Not since my days of trying to trying to gain membership into the Black Panthers have I recieved so many you don't belong here looks, wait did I say Black Panthers, I mean't the Florida Panthers, doesn't matter that I can barely skate, I still easily made the team.

The animal and fish exhibits were interesting to look at, I was surprised by the lack of moose, and I also wondered where the large mouth bass was located, but workers there told me that John Crosbie was currently asleep. Outside the galleries, . the walls in the main hallways were filled with pictures celebrating our past, rare photos such as some of our famous explorers, or the last recorded picture of Ron Hynes sober. My mind was blown when I saw the life like stature of Newfoundland treasure Gordon Pinsent, it was blown again when it moved I discovered it actually was Gordon Pinsent. That's right it was Babar in the flesh, but my surprise turned to confusion when I noticed the shackle on his ankle that was bolted to the floor. It turns out he's being held captive by the Rooms, and is only allowed out to film the Republic of Doyle. I told him I would help him escape but he told me he was content, in his words "Eh, it beats the Shipping News."

I thought the Aboriginal history was very well done, there was quite an extensive look at the Beothuks, the Mic Macs(paddy wacks give a dog a bone) and how they hunted and survived before the white man moved in and pulled a Jay Leno. When looking at some of the weapons they used to hunt it amazes me they could hunt with so little when I shoot myself in the foot while playing hunting games on Playstation. Back to the animals for a second, the enormous giant squid was quite an eyeful, attempts to try and steal ink for my printer were thwarted by security, you may say it was a foolish plan, but I say have you seen the prices of ink cartridges lately? I'd be foolish not to try it. Also impressive were the skeletons of the various Newfoundland whales, including the Sperm Whale(hehe), and the Blue whale, not doubt he was blue because he had been captured.

So that was my look at the Rooms, it's one of the nicer museums I have seen, and I've seen at least one. It is good to show people who are new to the province, to show them where we came from and how we got here. In short I guess the best review I could give it is that it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. On second thought, what if I were trapped there in the night time and everything came to life, I could be just like Ben Stiller in that movie, only funny.

Costco: The land of giants and homosexual muffin stealers

2010-02-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today was a monumental day for me, as I had the rare chance to enter the magical world that is Costco, and it eventually turned into an event that could only happen to me and my sidekick, the bearded one. If you have never been inside a Costco just imagine Giant world in Mario 3, or a rapper's vehicle, it is a world filled with bawdy objects, horribly oversized products that would sustain a normal family for months, and yet its prices are reasonable. The visit started out as most trips to Costco, my mouth agape at the sheer size of all these items, a chuckle at the sheer silliness of them actually having a BUCKET of mayonaise, which led to me picturing myself sitting like Winnie the pooh putting my hand in the mayo and eating it like honey, thankfully I've never liked mayonaise. It was then in the meat department that I may have found my truly calling, I may have found the one thing I now want to do more then anything in the world. I would like to get a job in the meat department, not necessarily butchering, I just want to pop out of those windows and snatch the customers that walk by, think of all the customers that we could attract, curious to see when I would pop out and who I would grab next.

Costco is an exclusive fraternity, so me being granted access was like becoming a member of the Stone Cutters, or the Free Masons, or the Stone Masons, but not the Shriners, although I do look surprisingly nifty in a fez. My reasons for going to Costco were simple, since I had found a way to gain entry I wanted two things, those ridiculously huge chocolate muffins you get there, and an equally ridiculous box of Cheerios. Let's discuss the Cheerios shall we, since I've started the weight loss, my main breakfast source has been that of Honey nut Cheerios, and if I could keep myself in Cheerios for a while that would be a big plus for me. As my sidekick and I walked the halls with the other awestruck shoppers I came upon the huge box of Cheerios, and at first lift of the box I got another idea. Not only could these Cheerios be delicious but this box would be great for arm curls. I was also quite satisfied that I discovered enough Cheerios to have me sobbing uncontrobally near the end that this box of cereal will never end.

Now we get to the muffins and this is where the strangeness begins. Having picked up one box of delicous muffins my sidekick and I noted that you could get two boxes for something like eight dollars. Since it takes like two days to eat one of these muffins I rejected the offer of the second box and moved toward the checkout, and there he was. For the record, I have no ill will towards the homosexual lifestyle, your choice is your choice, I will make fun of them like I do anybody in this world whether they be straight, gay, bi-sexual......you get the idea, but what followed was nearly the start of a war between myself and the gay mafia. The man mentioned that they were on sale as a double pack but I had heard him incorrectly and said that I only wanted one, and as I preceded to ring in the Cheerios I asked one of life's burning questions, a question everyone seeks the answer to "What happened to my muffins?" It was then I saw this man walking, well more like lightly prancing away with my muffins. The cashier, seemingly taking the gay mans side, as he is the one man who would never ever leave her, explained that I didn't want two so I couldn't have one, as this is law in the land of Costco my hands were tied, and I bought the two of them, oh Costco you drive a hard bargain.

I still don't know why the man walked away with my muffins, do homosexual men enjoy baked goods that much, luckily I resisted the urge and my sidekick's suggestion to scream loudly "THAT GAY MAN STOLE MY MUFFINS" which I think would have caused a scene that I wasn't ready to deal with. To recap, I don't care what your sexual preference is, just don't ever....ever mess with a man and his muffins. Now if you would excuse me I'm going to partake in one of these muffins sent by the gods, for I have earned it, I mean I'm pretty sure I pulled something just lifting all those items home.

What's in the news today

2010-02-23T20:10:00.001-08:00

In search of something to write about this evening I put on my wetsuit and began to surf the internetz. While hitting some of my favorite news sites I came across some stories that peaked my interest.

The first news story hits close to home as Danny Williams finally broke his silence about his heart surgery. Danny told our local news station that he found out months ago that he had to have surgery on his heart months ago and he knew he'd take heat over leaving the province. And take the heat he did, as he travelled to Miami, Florida to have his surgery, apparently cause all the Dominican Republic doctors were busy. I have no ill will toward our premier's decision to have surgery else where, whatever makes him healthy, but at least lie and say he's in Iowa in minus degree weather instead of resting in his Florida condo. Williams went on to say that he felt great, and that he had the heart of a forty year old man, which coincidentally leads to the second story I found.

Police in Miami were working overtime trying to stop a man on a rampage throughout the streets yesterday. The man, identified as Chet Chelios, who bore a startling resemblance to actor Jason Statham apparently told reporters that somebody had stole his heart and that he was going to do anything he could to get it back. Police officers commented that they had a hard time capturing the man, saying that "just when it seems he was slowing down enough to catch him, it's like he would CRANK his adrenaline up to eleven and he was gone again."

****An update to the previous story, apparently Danny Williams has said he suddenly feels much better and is on his way home quicker then expected.*******

In other news, the head of the Canadian Olympic Committee dropped a bombshell yesterday by admitting that Canada would not finish first in the medal standings in the Vancouver Olympics. Jaws dropped slightly and the chairman was bombarded with angry questions such as "Why don't you tell us something we don't know?" and "What happened to my pen?" asked by one reporter who apparently was so shocked by this statement he dropped his pen. The chairman went on to say that they had not anticipated such strong performances from America, Korea, and some of the European countries, apparently because he was born after the last Olympics and had never seen any of the previous Winter games. He went on to say they would review their policies after the games and if the Winter Olympics ever come back to Canada, they would do things differently, the USA and other strong countries will not be invited, leaving our main competition as Kazakhstan and Jamaica.

Finally, the last story I found was the tragic tale of Star Trek actor Walter Koening, whose boner has apparently gone missing. Koening's boner, which famously starred in Growing Pains, was last seen on Valentine's day, a hard day for a boner to disappear, leaving his wife especially upset. Thus far people have given police the shaft when it comes to any clues, in an act of desperation they have called in John Bobbit, thinking that the disappearance of Koening's boner may be linked to the the missing Bobbit jr. Alan Thicke was reached for comment, and I forgot to write down what he said, but rest assured it was hilarious. Kirk Cameron was also reached, and said he had fond memories of boner and they were quite close, a revelation that shockingly surprised few.

Well there you have it, it's up to you to decide whether these stories are true or false, but one thing is for sure, they may or may not have happened. Actually three of these stories are based on fact, just twisted around for my entertainment without any regard for facts or truth, I'm like Nancy Grace, only more attractive.

A tribute to monitors

2010-02-21T13:02:00.000-08:00

Earlier in the week I decided to retire ye olde CRT monitor and upgrade to a sleek new flatscreen monitor. I had debated back and forth with myself on this matter, what is more important, the essentials in life like food and clothing or a new toy, and as it usually does the toy won out. I made my way to Futureshop and purchased a sleek new 23 inch Samsung monitor, that was easy enough, but then techinical difficulties followed, technically I couldn't get a picture on my screen, until my sidekick the bearded one was able to discover that after all my searching, the plug in the back of the monitor was not in all the way. After the feeling of stupidness subsided I took joy in my new monitor, and after I stopped touching it while saying the words "Precious, precious" (if your reading this Bill do the Gollum voice, you always did it better then me, and whoever else is reading imagine Bill doing the voice and you'll get the idea) I wanted to share my enjoyment of my new monitor with others. However my attempts to show people were met with vicious slaps, which made me think that asking strangers if they wanted to see something with a lot of inches and pretty was not the right way to go about things. To bask in the enjoyment of my new monitor, let's take a look at some other famous monitors that the world has seen:

The Hall Monitor-My high school didn't have hall monitors, and it was bedlam because of it. Students often arrived to class bloody and disoriented as classes spilled out and chaos ensued(these memories could actually be from the movie Dangerous Minds, not a bad film, check it out sometime) as there was no one to enforce the rules and guide them to their destination. The hall monitor has an unfair reputation as a Narc, or a teacher's pet but they are only doing the job that they are assigned to do. It's a thankless job no doubt, the target of bullies, the ever present threat of locker stuffings, but someone has to do it, and who knows if Columbine had had a hall monitor maybe that tragedy wouldn't have happened, at the very least they would have had someone to yell duck.

The Monitor.....ummm Monitor- to be honest I don't know much about this lizard but doesn't it look like something you would want as a pet. I know you might think this would be a terrible pet, the upkeep would be terrible but think about it, if it dies you have a new belt, or new boots, and what girlfriend or wife or mistress would turn down that opportunity. In my opinion it would also make a great pet for kids, imagine little Timmy or Tina getting a ride on old scaley here's back, while his or her parents film it for their precious memories collection. I see no harm, parents let their kids hang out with Micheal Jackson right, although he was more of a chameleon really.

So there you have it, a look at some of history's most famous monitors, I hope that I have educated you(and if I have you should probably go back to school) and that you have left a little bit wiser, or at least consumed enough alcohol so that this seems normal and you forget what I said about Columbine, or Micheal Jackson. I have to say I am satisfied with my purchase, between this and my semi-new 50 inch plasma television my living room has had more inches put into it then Britanny Spears, is it still cool to make fun of her, I don't know gossip. I just wanna say goodbye to the old CRT monitor and thank it for it's years of service, you will be given the appropriate Viking funeral, or thrown in the dump, but whatever happens there will be a ten minute period where I will be inconsolable. Well until I get home and see my new monitor; seriously, it's like switching from Rosie O'Donnell to Megan Fox, crap the monitor is still in the corner....awwwkkkkward.

Things from my childhood that have been ruined with age: Pancake Tuesday

2010-02-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately(take down those balloons and streamers) but I went and saw the screening for the Potatoes have Eyes and lapsed into a coma. Actually that's the not the truth, I've been busy with a new job, I was hired as an excuse writer for the all the Canadian Olympic broadcasters, and boy are my hands tired. This evening I'd like to take you back in the way back machine on yet another journey to when I was a lad, and I heard those magical words, we're having pancakes for supper. It was then I was introduced to the tradition of Pancake Tuesday, I'm not sure how or when this tradition got started so I'm gonna do what I do best, and make stuff up. Pancakes originally became famous at the Last Supper, when Jesus performed the miracle of turning water into batter. This miracle backfired when after a bountiful feast of the sacred flapjack he became logy and was easily caught by Pontius Pilot and his men.

The excitement of Pancake day would then turn to confusion, as often times I would find foreign objects in those fluffy golden spheres of deliciousness. My mother would explain that whatever I found would be what I would became when I grew up, such as if I found money I would be rich, or if I found a nail I would be in a hospital, I probably should have not swallowed that nail, but you try and turn down something that is covered in syrup. As I grow older I began to think about this so-called tradition. Growing up I had heard stories, nasty rumors that my arrival into this world ruined the perfect sharing of the then popular drink, oka-dokas amongst my three older siblings. Maybe this was no tradition at all, maybe it was a ploy to get me out of the way so they could revel in their two oka-dokas a piece. I know what your thinking, I'm just paranoid, but oka-dokas were a fine beverage, I know a guy who literally gave his right arm for one, of course he was a leper, we all tried to get him off the stuff, interventions wouldn't work, you know what they say, a leper won't change his spots.

The pancake is still revered today as it ever was, internationally there are houses, temples shall we say, devoted to the worship of pancakes. I as a feeble minded boy would often eat and eat of those pancakes till I was blue in the face, mostly cause I was choking on something that mom had put in there, again the syrup thing. As I look back at the moments before the gagging I can see not just the anticipation on my face on devouring the pancake, but the odd looks of anticipation on my siblings face as well. I was only young then but to this day I can sense a disappointment when I finished my whole plate of pancakes, or when I coughed up the nail, I think I even remember hearing a chorus of sighs as I was handed an oka doka to wash them down with.

I kid of course, my family would never be that mailicious, okay maybe Kelly she had a mean streak, but those days are ruined by the fact that I'm now almost thirty, I'm a bachelor, and if I want I can have pancakes for supper every day, so it loses it's specialness. Hell if I wanted to I could eat pancakes every day, for every meal until I inevitably slipped into dementia, walking around screaming YOU AIN'T GOT NO PANCAKE MIX.............YOU AIN'T GO NO PANCAKE MIX. Perhaps it could be that I could never make a pancake as good as my mom's, once you learned to eat around the foreign object, it was all smooth sailing from there.

Hasn't Haiti suffered enough

2010-02-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

It has been over a month since the earthquake in Haiti, and recently God decided he wasn't finished toying with them and unleashed a plague of locusts. The locusts in question are the muscians who came together to re-record "We are the World" to raise money for the ravaged island, and boy what a piece of work this is. That is not to say the original was perfect, sure it had better pure singers, but it also had Bruce Springsteen singing like he was constipated and Cyndi Lauper......well I really don't know what she was doing. The song debuted during the Winter Olympic games and as soon as that British kid started singing the whole thing went downhill faster than a Georgian luger, it's a tie which one was more painful to watch. There were some good parts, such as the spliced in original footage of Micheal Jackson, however not shown was the footage of MJ rolling in his grave at what followed for the rest of the song.

I have to wonder how much proceeds Haiti is actually going to see because this was an expensive video. I bet your thinking that you have seen more expensive videos, this doesn't look that bad but think about it, they had the corpse of Tony Bennett, though I think they cut costs by bringing in Enrique Iglesias, why pay money for Ricky Martin when Erique will probably work for food at this point. Actually I'm told half the money goes to rebuilding Haiti, the rest goes to rebuilding Iglesias' career. They also saved money by having Jamie Foxx do his impression of Ray Charles in the first version, if only Ray could have seen it, of course if only he could have seen it then I suppose.

I give them credit though, whenever something happens to one of the loser countries of the world celebrities are always there to step in and lend a hand. There was the American group for Africa, followed by the Canadian singers for Africa, and what a white group of people these were, though if memory serves we did not get black people till the 90's. There was the lesser known metal version, Starz, sung for kids I believe, and if you've seen the video these are men who look like they'd do anything to....for kids. I'm sure it doesn't hurt their willingness to contribute when tax time comes around and they can claim it as a charitable donation. Strangely missing from the video was George Clooney, who organized the big telethon for Haiti, I guess he figures he's done his part, but really the man should never stop paying for almost killing the Batman franchise.

Also missing was Bono, though I hear there was no stable to put his high horse in so he wouldn't come down off it. I think I saw rapper Lil Wayne though, I thought he was in jail, what could he possibly donate, a carton of cigarettes. I still can't believe they started off with that Bieber kid, what did he just learn about Haiti in his grade five geography class and decided he wanted to take part. Looking further I see Miley Cyrus, which I guess is why R. Kelly wasn't there, though I'm sure there were a long line of guys getting in line for a chance to steal her innocence, too bad Billy Ray already did that, I mean by putting her in the business at such a young age, get your mind out of the gutter, but seriously he probably wants to plow her too. And what in the name of Jeebus H. Christmas was Wyclef Jean doing, he's probably the only there who gives half a crap but that screeching was painful, more painful then when Celine Dion was singing.

So while Haiti continues being Fred Flinstone, you know surrounded by Rubble and picking up the Pebbles, the celebrities have succeeded in not only making money for Haiti but diverting attention from their cause as well. Seriously who is going to cover Haiti's recovery effort when a bunch of stars were all involved in a trainwreck.

I now have sponsors

2010-02-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

***Disclaimer**** these sponsors may or may not exist, they may be a product of my all too warped mind and boredom at work******

Throughout the years the term "selling out" has been given a bad name, but companies who are willing to spend money to further my brand of tasteless jokes and entertainment can't be all bad right. Recently, despite the fact that my blog has all the buzz of a beehive in winter, I've been approached to shill for two companies and a movie, so from here on out ladies and gentleman whenever you read my blog you will be supporting these companies, so lets make some introductions shall we, the first is from an independant movie company who wants to get their new horror movie out to the masses.

The Potatoes Have Eyes- Just when you thought it was safe to have French fries comes this new movie from SAMT(Someone Actually Made This) Studios. From the sinister mind of a director whose name is not important comes this mashing tale of mutant potatoes, low in fat but high in viciousness. When These killer chips attack humans bet they can't eat just one. Do not underestimate these evil vegetables for if you do it could be once bitten twice baked(potato) for you. Coming to theatre for you(hopefully never)

Robin Hood Florists-This Valentine's Day say it with Flour.

Greasy Joe's Car Repair and Weight Loss Clinic-this year feel better about yourself by getting rid of that unsightly spare tire. Admittedly poor picture but greasy joe's production budget is not much folks, though still looks better then the potatoes have eyes.

These companies will ensure that this blog remains intact for a long time, and line my pockets with many pieces of silver. They will also ensure you readers get the most up to date news and bad puns I can think of, such as this tidbit:

Many of the competitors in the luge at the Winter Olympics are complaining that they were not given enough time to properly train, and that the luge course is too fast and too dangerous. While Canadian officials are saying they did nothing wrong, I just chaulk it up to the rest of the world being a bunch of sore lugers. Goodnight Everybody I'll be here all week.

I guess Cialis is not an Olympic sponsor

2010-02-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

It is every guy's worse nightmare, your alone with your loved one(or paid one whatever your into) but when it comes time to stoke the flame, nothing happens. You sit around awkwardly making excuses, waiting for something to happen, now imagine if some 60,000 people are watching you live, and millions at home. It must have been frustrating for those hydraulic guys, everything had seemed fine all night, things were popping up at the appropriate times, everybody was in awe of the form and size, all you had to do was seal the deal, but now you've sent other countries laughing to thier girlfriends about what happened the night before It was then that the hydraulics crew likely started making those awkward excuses, here are just a few that I bet they came up with.

*Stress- they know doubt started talking nervously about how they had a lot of stress in their lives, they literally had the whole world to entertain and it was a lot of pressure. They say they have been working many long hours, and swear this has never happened to them before but they assured everybody that they were all man. They saw everybody in the crowd with their eyes on them, they were smiling and so happy, all they wanted was to give them a good night, it's their fault, they were expecting to much, it's ok Canada their will be other nights.

*Death- They were feeling confident until the Georgin luger died, how is anything supposed to go up with all this talk of death. Everywhere they turned people were talking about this tragedy so how could they perform knowing what had happened. I for one think it's great that an athlete from such a small country was able to grab the pole position in the luge event, okay okay that may have been too soon, I need a distraction, ladies and gentleman mr. Conway Twitty.........crap I deleted that picture.

*Kd Lang- This to me is the obvious choice, because I'm pretty sure this woman is responsible for erectile dysfunction worldwide. Imagine if you will that Kd Lang is a shadow and men's genitalia is a groundhog, once she is seen it gets scared and goes away, and believe me KD Lang can not be unseen, she will replace the whale in my nightmares. Between Lang and that scary opera chick who resembled scary spice it was practically a boner graveyard last night at the ceremonies, so no wonder their phallic like structures couldn't rise up. They could have at least put Nelly Furtado on after them, could have at least risen part of the way, at least with a semi Rick Hanson probably could have reached all the way.

*Brian Williams- over at his fortress of Versimilitude(where he steals all the grammar and leaves none for me) my brother Bill discussed the fact that Brian Williams is......how should I say it......not very good. I share his disdain for Williams, the guy is only talented when he's describing what exactly what's going at this exact moment, which is about all he did last night, luckily they kept the names to the other announcers, so at least they were pronounced correctly. My favorite moment of the whole ceremonies was when Williams was discussing the torches while Gretzky was on his way to light the outdoor cauldron. Williams said Gretzky must have a special torch cause usually they only last fifteen minutes but his hadn't gone out yet, perhaps he should have been paying attention WHEN THEY GAVE GRETZKY A NEW TORCH ON THE TRUCK....ahem sorry for the outburst. I think Williams was just jealous because he mentioned when he carried the flame it went out twice, he blamed it on a blizzard but we all know he could suck the life out of anything.

I feel bad for the hydraulics guys, I'm sure most guys feel their pain, but Canada is a forgiving mistress, today's coverage only mentioned it in passing, although I'm sure NBC had a good point and laugh. With a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a you'll get em next time tiger Canada rolled over and went to bed, leaving the hydraulics guys to wonder what went wrong. I bet the funny thing is later on that night it probably rose up by itself, but it was too late, for Canada could not be woken up, but at least their manhood was restored, and there were no lingering effects from KD Lang.

Take it in Stride

2010-02-12T16:39:00.000-08:00

Tonight dear reader I sit hunkered in my apartment, not because of a storm, not of because of the Olympic opening ceremonies, but out of fear. For you see today I made a mistake, while at the store I purchased a pack of Stride gum and now I fear for my safety. I try to spit the gum out but the flavor does not go away, the minty peppermint taste soon mixed with the salt of tears as I approached jawlock. However, this is not why I'm afraid, I'm afraid because I've seen the commercials and I know what happens to those to do not spit out the gum, I've become afraid to walk down my street, fearing any second some polka band will jump me; I have not eaten all day because I am afraid to go the supermarket in fear of hulk like German wrestlers, wait was that noise? did you hear something?

I could swear there is a van parked outside my house, it is dark and and the snow is high but I know I saw it there, and it doesn't move, what was that noise? they said they would find me, and I can't see companies lying to me, the consumer, through marketing, seriously is it only me that heard that crash? it sounded like a goat but I'm not sure, do we even have goats in Newfoundland? why are you doing this to me Stride gum, I was just trying to give you some business. All I wanted was for you to be a profitable company, now you've got me hiding from a German like I was of Jewish descent in World War II.

I see the blare of headlights in my window, a quick check reveals that it was only my neighbours but I still wonder if they saw me, they are a big corporation I don't know how far their reach goes, but surely if they can afford their own goat their finances know no limit. Why does your flavor have to last so long Stride? I just want to spit it out and be done with it, but instead my mouth keeps moving and moving and nothing comes out, I feel like Helen Keller, only I am not blind to your evil ways. You may think I'm paranoid but I know how they think, they are going to get that gum whether I want them to or not, it's like my dating strategy, persistence plus a little choloroform will always net results, this is why I must hideaway and not be seen.

I don't know when this will end, but I will try to bring updates when I can, oh wait the flavor is gone now, phew, I've spit out the gum, now I can eat, but there's no food, oh well I'll just have this piece of gum here, oh no, what was that noise?

Flame On

2010-02-10T13:20:00.001-08:00

One of the hottest topics(pun intended, c'mon its my blog you know the pun is intended) of the Olympics is just who is gonna light the Olympic flame to kick off the games this Friday. Acting as the Bic lighter is a big responsibility, the person will be seen by millions of people all over the world and will be the person who lets the game begins, I know I couldn't do it, I don't have the nerves, plus after a little incident at my restaurant I'm not really allowed to have anything to do with fire anymore. I just want to take some time now and look at a few of the possibilites and explain why they would not be a good idea, and then reveal who I think should be the one to kick off the festivities.

*Stephen Harper- This is an obvious choice, he is the leader of our country so why shouldn't he be the one to kick off the games, well it turns out he kept wanting to porogue the ceremonies, so the IOC decided to go with someone else.

*Micheal J. Fox- he stole our hearts as Alec P. Keaton, and continued to entertain in Spin City so why shouldn't he have a chance to light the flame. While I trust Fox to give me hours of enjoyment on television, I don't necessarily trust him to hold things, especially things that are on fire, I mean the last thing British Columbia needs is another forrest fire, and well what if he drops it and the snow melts. They had to truck that snow in, it would be a waste if the fire was dropped and all the snow melted, and what if it reached the Italian team, all that greasy hair would no doubt make the fire uncontrollable. On further inspection my views here may upset some people, what I need is a distraction, ladies and gentlemen mr. Conway Twitty:

Ok so that was supposed to be a video but I'm technologically impaired and couldn't get it to work, but I hey I forgot what I was talkin about, so you probably did too.

*Pamela Anderson- honestly any attempts to get that torch near her would end in disaster, cause if the implants didn't make her go up in flames, the various infections surely will, although I'm not sure even fire would burn off the remnants of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

*Rita McNeil- any attempts to get her to light the flame in practice only led to frustration and confusion. The frustration stemmed from the fact that she would use the torch to cook chicken, the confusion stemmed from where the hell she got the chicken in the first place.

So those are just a few of the possibilites, and why they wouldn't and couldn't possibly work as the people who light the flame. That is why for me there is only one possible option for the flame lighting, only one person who can guide the country through such an important event, and teach us something as well

*Fire Marshall Bill- there is nobody who is more concerned with fire safety then this man, so who would be more careful then him. Not only would he do an adequate job of kicking our games off right but he would teach the spectators a lesson or two and the dangers of fire and how we can avoid trouble. Plus if he catches himself on fire we can strap a pair of skis on him, send him down the hill and it's the first gold for Canada.

So there you have it, I hope your with me Canada, for if my choice comes true this could be the most entertaining opening ceremonies ever. If anybody from the IOC is reading this do the right thing, give us the fire marshall, and if Micheal J. Fox is reading this, I guess our relationship is on shaky ground right about now, crap I did it again.

Bored of the Rings

2010-02-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today is a rare sick day from work for me, as my legendary weak immune system and perhaps some Karma has kicked in and left me on the disabled list. That being said, in search of things I do opened up facebook and saw the status of one of my co-workers, he rightly complained about the lack of superbowl commercials that we get here in Canada. The one thing our commercials told us is that the Olympics start on Friday, and boy it's a good thing they hit me over the head with it, or I would have completely forgot. At one moment we got to see Carrie Underwood singing the national anthem in a stunning outfit, the next we get to see the I believe singing girl, who I guess was to act as some kind of anti-Viagara; seriously, is it just me or does this girl look like a demon, a sucuubus sent to destroy the souls of the other countries, ensuring us all the medals.

I will be watching the Olympics like everyone else, and will be cheering on our countries athletes but unless you have been living under a rock for the past few years you know when the Olympics start. It will be nice to see our country showcased for the world to see, and Vancouver has cleaned out all the riff raff for the games, pushing out the homeless, the prostitues, and the Canucks. All this is well and good but is it too much to ask for a commercial that doesn't have Donald Sutherland talking in it, I mean he must feel just a little bit awkward as his son Jack Baur has killed terrorists from most of the countries that are coming to the Olympics, how does he explain that, I guess he says "hey don't look at me, he killed me too."

Just in case your not the type to wait, TSN's website already has the medal count statistics posted on the website. Keep checking it daily but don't be disappointed if Canada doessn't win a medal till Saturday, although the opening ceremonies are Friday, maybe we could win a medal on the march in, though I think they do that in alphabetical order so we might be disapointed, but hey there's always speedskating. I for one was reminded daily of the Olympics by watching the Olympic torch being carried throughout the country, is it just me or does that thing look like a big joint, I mean I know British Columbia has a repuation for marijuana, but how many of the runners do you think got pulled over, I think I even saw Snoop Dogg chasing the runners at one point.

So I just want to say thanks to CTV for cutting out the American feed, depriving us of Bud Light and Doritos hilarity, and Megan Fox in a bathtub, in a bathtub, she doesn't even have to act cause she's in a bathtub, are you following me CTV. Come this Friday I will watch the Olympics, ok not the opening ceremonies, they are a bore, but not because the media told me to but because I like watching people race on ice and snow at breakneck speeds, and cause I want to hear TSN's excuses when our Canadian hockey team doesn't win gold again. I wish our athletes good luck at the games, and I am glad that your actually being rewarded for getting medals this year, and not just the usual complimentary Tim Horton's give card, and I know you will try your hardest, and if that's not good enough we always have that demon girl.

There's no business like snow business

2010-02-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

Well it appears it's the time of the month for Mother Nature again as she is reeking havoc all across Newfoundland. The first thing I saw this morning when I arose was pure white out, and after I moved the bottle of liquid paper aside I saw that it was snowing and blowing pretty hard outside. Snowstorms like this are both good and bad, but hey it's snow, it's bothersome at first but eventually it goes away, but hey maybe if the ground were to shake hard enough, people would donate tons of money to us, and George Clooney could host a telethon. I'm not gonna rip on Clooney cause while I'm a dude even I find an eloquent charm in that man's dreamy eyes. The major brightside to the storm was that I didn't have to work today, as the city was shut down faster then me asking a girl out, which means the next non sucky weather day the chicken eaters will be out in force.

There was a scary period of time during the snowstorm when we lost internet connection here. Usually it's the satellite that goes, but this time the internet went down faster then a hooker who falls down a flight of stairs, what did you think I was gonna say, get your mind out of the gutter a girl is hurt for cryin out loud. Reliance on the internet is a powerful thing, and without it the mind starts to think crazy things, I almost cleaned today but luckily I was able to come to my senses and play PS3 instead, I know I know, that was a close one. I figure the internet crapping out was a sign that I should go on the treadmill, so I did, but after all that walking I felt like I was going nowhere fast, still it's amazing how fast you can go when you dangle a twinkie in front of it, I'm going to catch it sooner or later.

Rumor has it the snow is not letting up for a while, and well that just cold sucks. Jeff just informed that there is supposed to be about another 30-40 cm between now and tomorrow afternoon, and more on Monday. I know nothing of the metric system but what I do know is that it's gonna entail a lot of shovelling, luckily I can get some of the kids on the street to do it for me, once you get them hooked on cigarettes they will do anything for a fix. I kid of course, I would never get kids hooked on cigarettes to shovel my driveway, they don't have the lung capacity, I have a 70 year old landlady that does it for me, and one day I intend to help her, but it's so nice to see her get out of the house.

So here's hoping the snow stays away from the satellite, and here's hoping that the pandas return to the village so the snow goes away, and here's hoping that somebody besides Bill gets that dated reference I just made. I guess I can't complain too much, this winter has actually been pretty good, and it's what comes with the territory for living on an island, unless of course it's Gilligan's Island, all Gilligan had to worry about was how to impress Mary Ann, or fighting off Skipper during those particularly lonely nights. It's weather like this that makes me glad for global warming, sure it's killing the homes of polar bears but give them a bottle of coke and they are fine.

Have a Heart

2010-02-03T15:45:00.000-08:00

The big news coming out of Newfoundland this week is that our fearless leader Danny Williams is travelling to the United States for heart surgery. I have only caught the gist of the story, and since anybody can report the real facts I'm gonna explain to you what I think the details are. Apparently Mr. Williams is having surgery tomorrow, it was supposed to be sooner but he got delayed at customs, you see when the guard asked if he had anything to declare, Mr. Williams said "Only that I have a bad ticker" which the guard took to mean that he had a bomb, so he was then taken away and detained for questioning. From what I have picked up over the local news they have no idea of any of the fifty states, as all they say is that Williams is travelling to the United States, so I guess this means that the whole country is working on him, and hey they do need jobs down there, so way to go Danny for stimulating the American economy.

There is a fair bit of outrage over the fact that Danny Williams chose to go to America for the surgery. I want to come out and tell everyone that it wasn't his first choice, Mr. Williams had in fact wanted to travel to a place called Oz, where he heard that there was a man there that could give him a new heart, but after some calls were made the premier found out that heart had already been given to another man. I'm sure many doctors across the province feel slighted that our premier would rather travel to another country then be operated on by them, reporters tried to speak to doctors but the waiting times were too long, leaving them stranded in the emergency room for hours on end. Besides, Mr. Williams has been pretty outspoken about the rest of Canada so maybe he doesn't trust other doctors, or maybe he doesn't trust Stephen Harper, the man is prime minister he can get to any doctor he wants.

Personally I think Danny Williams wanted to tell us he was cheating on our healthcare system with America, he just didn't have the heart to(see what I did there). It had to be a tough decision, but I say you gotta go where you think your gonna get the best care, go where your heart takes you as it were. Mr. Williams always seemed in pretty good shape so it surprised a lot of folks when this news happened, how could this have happened so fast? Maybe Danny caught a glimpse of that mysterious UFO over Harbour Mille, maybe he heard that he donated a million dollars to Haiti when all he mean't was to donate 100 dollars, or maybe it was Paul McCartney getting revenge for their Larry King argument. I for one never trusted him, he always was the most untrustworthy Beatle, he probably had Lennon killed for all we know.

I just want to wish Danny Williams luck in his surgery, I'm sure he needs well wishes more then he needs criticism right now. If going to America makes him better then so be it, it worked for the Winnipeg Jets and the Quebec Nordiques didn't it, I mean the Avalanche won the cup, and the coyotes, well good for you for being somewhere warm. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get ready for my doctor's appoinment tomorrow, where did I leave that passport.

A letter to Wiarton Willie

2010-02-02T09:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Willie,

As I write this it is Tuesday Febuary 2nd and reports are that you have seen your shadow, thereby proclaiming another six more weeks of winter. I'm writing you to persuade you that perhaps you didn't see your shadow at all, maybe you were confused by all the on-lookers and you got nervous, so if you would just go ahead and change your decision that would work out better for everyone. Surely you are reading this and wondering what the hell could this man offer me to change my mind, I have the adoration of many people, a loving family, my own little hole in the ground, what could he possibly do for me. Well Mr. Willie I don't have any money, but what I do have is a particular set of skills, and if you stand firm with your decision I will find you, and I will kill you(after going through the proper legal channels and getting the proper license of course.)

You see Mr. Willie you may think your untouchable but I know where you live. I know your not the only weather predicting groundhog but with you in danger ther other groundhogs will recant on their decisions. Believe me I've been watching Caddyshack extensively and Bill Murray has taught me many things in dispensing of vermin like yourself, so be warned. It is very simple, all you have to do is go in front of the tv cameras again and simply say you mis-remembered, then give one of your adorable groundhog poses and everyone will forget that you screwed up, you will be even more of a hero for admitting your mistake.

While you are deciding if you should take me up on my offer, I want you to consider this, I have your wife, Wiarton Wendy, and your kids Willie jr. and little Wiarton Wanda. I do not want to harm your family Willie but you see it's cold, and I can use a pair of furry slippers to keep my feet warm and toasty. What's that? you say you don't believe me, enclosed are pictures of my closet, look at those clothes, see those loafers, form goafers, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest. I don't want you to panic though Willie, I am keeping them in a warm safe place, but if you decide you don't want to play ball I have an even warmer place for them, as my oven is already pre-set to 375 degrees. I have never tried groundhog before, but I'm guessing it'll taste like disappointment, disappointment in you for not saving them.

You have until the sun goes down this evening Willie, Newfoundland time, to change your mind. The choice is yours Willie, will I be suffering through a long cold winter, or will I get an early spring. You think about that while I wonder if I want potatoes or rice with my groundhog, or how nice my new furry slippers are going to look as I watch television tonight. I eagerly await your reply, and I know you'll do the right thing, do not be afraid of your shadow, for only the shadow knows......if I get slippers or not.

P.S. Willie jr just defiled my favorite shirt, so besides changing your decision you must now pay my dry-cleaning bill as well if you want to see them again. After you've made your announcement I will contact you on where to wire the money, and I want large unmarked bills, the clock is ticking.

Don't Tread on me

2010-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

Anybody who knows me would say that most of time I'm pretty easy-going, but I am only human(until the adamantium arrives) and from time to time I suffer fits of rage, today was one of those days. Let's back up for a minute, for the past few weeks I've had it in my head to buy a treadmill to help with the weight loss goal, and today was the day it was to be mine. The one I was hoping for was not there, but the one I purchased seemed solid so my friend and I managed to fit it in an all too cramped car(jumper cables, is there anything they can't do) and get it safely back to my house. I must say that so far the treadmill has served it's purpose, I've worked up a sweat, my heart rate soared, and that was just trying to put it together, you see this is where the rage comes in.

I've often had a rocky relationship with instruction manuals and putting things together. I can barely keep my life together so how much luck am I going to have with a treadmill. This particluar instruction booklet was actually quite simple, but there is often a difference between what I see in the book and my finished product. It's like when Homer Simpson tried to put together a barbecue, looked at the product on the box and then looked at his pile of rubbish and screamed "WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT", this is truly the embodiment of every project I've ever undertaken. Generally I do not like feeling rage, it gets me nowhere, doesn't help the situation, but you know sometimes you just gotta throw something, there's something cathartic about winging a small object across the room that makes you feel good about yourself. It helps if you do it to something smaller than you, like a Nascar fan when their wife told them "that Petty fella died."

I just wanna take a minute and thank the makers of my treadmill, because while your product will help me take off extra pounds, you have added to the erosion of my mental health. Giving me a proper diagram to show me where the nuts and bolts go is all well and good, but actually making it so you can line the holes up would be better in the long run. I'm pretty sure proper procedure for putting together a treamill is not trying to tighten bolt, trying another bolt when the first one won't screw in, heaving allan wrench across the room, picking up allan wrench and trying again. I'm also pretty sure that if the process leads to crying, I'm doing something wrong, okay I didn't cry but my feelings were hurt.

After a long arduous process I did infact get the treadmill operational, oh sure I left out a couple of nuts and bolts that could be important, but just to be safe I will have Jeff test it out when he gets home, better to be safe than sorry I always say. Actually I did test it out a little, nothing collapsed or fell apart on the first try anyway, and hey I've got a screw or two loose myself and I haven't fallen apart yet so it may work out afterall.

On second thought, I may skip the running altogether and just keep taking it apart and putting it back together again. It would be good cardio and I could work on my throwing arm.

Congratulations to my Sister

2010-01-27T06:40:00.000-08:00

No witty title this time, just want to say congratulations to my sister Kelly and Anders on the birth of their second son. I haven't talked to Kelly yet so details are scarce but here's what I know so far. The child arrived just the other day, came into the world in the usual way, but there was planes to catch, and bills to pay.......I'm sorry that's actually Cats in the Cradle by Cat Stevens, oh Mr. Stevens, your not welcome in America but your always welcome in my heart. In all seriousness I'm sure the baby did arrive in the normal process, which of course entailed Kelly and Anders filling out the requisite paperwork and waiting for the stork to arrive. Hey that's what Mom always told me it was like so that's what I'm going to believe, but for fun let's check wikipedia shall we. Well I didn't find anything on wikipedia but I found this one website, hmmm insert rod A into slot B, lift leg over here, and ahhhhhhhhhhh my eyes, the goggles do nothing. I can't believe I had to subscribe to that, oh well it's Jeff's credit card anyway, and if Jeff is reading this I totally don't know your credit card number.

For those of you who don't know, let's give a little background on my sister shall we. Many moons ago, Kelly was surfing the internetz and bumped into an innocent Swede named Anders, and this poor man had no idea what just hit him. Hey I love my sister dearly, she gave me a place to stay when I moved in here, but Anders is like a gentle deer in the headlights, and well Kelly is like the car that doesn't slow down when she sees the gentle deer on the road. For the record sis that was not a weight joke, strictly a personality thing, love ya. After a couple of years of courtship, and visits back and fourth, Kelly uprooted herself and moved to Sweden, since then she has become fluent in Swedish, I am always impressed when I hear her yelling easily transition from English to Swedish. She also tooking cooking lessons from the acclaimed Swedish Chef and can now chase chickens with cleavers with the best of them.

Kelly has been trying to get me to visit for a long time, although if and when she reads this that may change. I know one day I'll make my way over there, but I worry what will happen when that day arrives. For you see for someone who has never smoked marijuana in my life I am a very paranoid person, and most of my trip would be spent wondering if the Swedish people were talking about me. The last thing I want to do is cause an international incident, and with my luck I could be the only person in the world who could make Sweden stop being a neutral country. Although if Kelly has not done this yet, there may be hope for me, strange things have happened since she moved over there, even the moose are committing murder, read my archives if you don't know what I'm talking about. So Kelly believe me I am working up the strength to come over and see you, I'm building my arm strength cause it's a long way to fly and I don't want my arms to get tired. So until the day comes when I see you my Swedish experience will consist of meatballs and those awesome Swedish berries candies.

Once again I say congratulations to Kelly and Anders. To Kelly I say thanks for giving me a new nephew, which I would spoil if I only knew your address, hey it's like a page long and too hard to memorize. I am glad that both of you are healthy and doing well, although at a whopping 9 lbs you may be walking like you have rickets for a time. To this day your still my favorite sister, the fact I only have one is mere semantics, I know little Oscar has a good home anyway. To Anders, congratulations on slipping one past the goalie, get used to it cause it's the only time this year someone from Sweden is going to score on a Canadian. As a matter of fact if Sweden beats Canada in Olympic hockey this year, I will send you five dollars, that's got to be like a thousand dollars over there isn't it, ok I promise next time we see each other you can slap me as hard as you want for that joke. Finally, to Eric, take care of your little brother, I know you wanted a sister but until she learns how to use an easybake oven your not gonna get much out of her(if Carole is reading this Cordie is an obvious exception, and if Cordie is reading this holy crap you can read already) and hey I'm proof just how good somebody can turn out when you have brothers to watch out for you, maybe I'm not the best example but Mom always thought I was cool.

The Domino Theory

2010-01-25T07:18:00.000-08:00

If your like me and you watch a lot of television you have probably seen the new Domino's Pizza ad campaign. The new marketing suggests that in the past their pizza sucked, so they've made it better and they want you, Joe Public out there to believe it. On the surface this is a winning strategy, it makes the rubes think that you as a company are listening to them, and that you want to get better and satisfiy them. However, there is a rather seedy underbelly to this campaign, an underbelly that due to my tremendous brain I have been able to figure out. When I put two and two together, not only did I get four, but I was terrified, I was more shocked then when I discovered my brother Bill actually was taking steriods while playing Bejewled, he says it's for his eye, but after that I was the one seeing clearly. Trust me people when you hear this you are gonna be more shaken up then the people of Haiti.

It's simple if you watch the commercials enough, and they play them a lot, you start to notice something a little odd. It's then that I noticed the real secret behind the Domino's campaign, hardcore strong arm tactics. They show the chefs showing up at the homes of innocent people, the idea being that they want the people to try the new pizzas, but it's what we don't see that should worry us. First they round people up and lock them in this little room, a manuever that they call a focus group. They make people believe that their input matters, that they make a difference. The people leave, happy that they made a difference, maybe a little sick from the pizza; however, what they should be sick about is the fact that the pizza kings now have their personal information, such as address. It is after this that the pizza kings send out their minions to "persuade" these people that the new pizzas are delicious. I mean have you seen the people who eat the pizzas, nobody is that terrible of an actor, okay maybe Keanu Reeves, but they are obviously terrified of these minions and being forced to heap praise on the pizzas.

Take for the example the guy who says "I'm......eating.....my.....words" he is obviously reading from cue cards, I guess better to eat his words then the barrel of a revolver am I right. Take the big angry lady who in the focus group said Domino's needed to start over, she obviously knows a thing or two about a pizza. I'm guessing what she doesn't know is what it's like to have a man show up at her door, so when she sees two, she's undoubtedly going to say whatever it takes to make them happy. Finally there is the last guy, shown trying to get away as fast as possible, his head barely outside the door, almost sobbing "I'm back in". What we didn't see is one of the chefs had a pizza cutter to his wife and family.

This is the new Domino's, not just causing you stomach pain anymore, but mental pain as well. My roomate who is a fan of Domino's says that they haven't changed their pizza, but it could be just fear of the Domino's Gestapo. They must have got to him when I was away, maybe they hypnotized him, hey it worked for the Crispy Crunch people. Actually it didn't, whenever I hear a car horn honk I don't want a Crispy Crunch, but I do feel better about myself so thank you Crispy Crunch people. I needed to get this message out before it was too late, before anymore harm was done, if you see the Domino's people coming run for your lives. or you could be the next topping on their pizza.

THE NEW DOMINO'S PIZZA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE.........PEEEEEOPLLLLLLE

Blind Ambition

2010-01-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

To those have been wondering where I've been, don't worry, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, to those who were glad when they thought I had finally stopped blogging, sticks and stones will break my bones, but I told my dad and he's an ex-marine, he'll give ya a war like you wouldn't believe. Oh come on, admit it, you have all missed my run-on sentences and terrible grammar, you can't lie to me. I have spent the past week visiting my dad, it was a fun time, and was also an enlightening trip as today I discovered that for the first time ever the Canadian Olympic team will feature a para-Olympian. Brian McKeever will be the first blind cross country skier to ever make the team, and in all seriousness I can say I never saw this one coming.

When asked how he got interested in cross-country skiing McKeever said it all started when he was younger. As it turns out some particularly nasty bullies strapped him to a pair to skies and pushed him down the hill. His unwillingness to go down and the fact that he had a better time then most Canadian skiers led him to believe that this was something he could do. Let's face it you don't always need to see where your going to know which path you should go down, plus imagine the bragging this man can do. I'm terrified to close my eyes going down a hill on a taboggon and here is this man skiing through blindly making his way through the woods.

McKeever making the team is not the only first for the cross country team, as because of the special circumstances the ski team coach has brought in the first ever skiing eye dog. When asked to comment on the dog, the coach said that While McKeever was an accomplished skier he was worried about his finishing time. It turns out McKeever started strong but would often lag in the end, getting misguided, one time in training he actually ended up in Saskatoon. By the time the coaches and other skiers found him he had become the leader of the Saskatoon Naval Reserve. The coach figured by bringing in the skiing eye dog it would keep McKeever on course, and also added "have you ever seen a dog on skis, it's adorable."

McKeever joining the ski team has inspired and fired up the other cross country skiers. Competition has intensified amongst the team as nobody wants to finish behind "the blind guy". Things became heated in a recent training run as McKeever was shot at by a teammate who was lagging behind him. When asked for comment the skier said he was merely practicing for the Bi-athalon. When asked about the silencer and laser sight, the skier replied by yelling "look over there" and skied away hurriedly. Unfortunately, the reporters were Norwegian and able to catch him rather easily. I tell ya between blind skiers and bi-athletes the Canadian Olympic team is a real hodge podge of personalities.

I may joke, but I don't want to take away from McKeever's accomplishment, because it's most impressive. Mckeever and I have one thing in common, neither one of us has ever seen a pair of skis, yet this man can work his away through the woods, while I'm pretty sure I would go the Sonny Bono route, yes even if I was going in a straight line at a speed of 5 km/h, I know I wouldn't be able to stop. Although in reality Sonny Bono used to hit Cher so after that hitting a tree should be less painful I would think. Finally I just wanna say that I think that Brian McKeever embodies perfectly the Canadian cross-country ski team, hard working, determined and totally not going to see the podium come Olympic time.

When I grow up I want to be Jack Baur

2010-01-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

The Following takes place between 12:45 and whenever I am done typing

So last night and tonight mark the return of 24, one of my favorite shows. The quality has declined over the years, the stories are somewhat repetitive, I guess there are only so many bad days you can have, but the show still has mass appeal to me, and most of that appeal is Jack Baur. The best thing about Jack is how he can go from retired agent to remorseless killing machine the blink of an eye. There is nobody else who can go from lying on the couch watching cartoons with his granddaughter to killing a guy with a fire axe in about a half an hour. Not only does he do this but he smiles after, I actually don't know what he enjoyed more, the look of happiness in his granddaughter's eyes or the look of pain and death in the bad guy's eyes.

What I've always admired about Jack Baur is that he will do whatever it takes to get the job done, from cutting a guy's head off with a hacksaw to get in with a gang to shooting Robocop's wife in the knee, there is no limits for Jack Baur when it comes to saving his country. The man can disable a bomb with just his PDA and I've yet to figure out how to use my voice mail, this is truly a man we should be looking up to. The man's had more shots fired at him than Jay Leno, he's died a couple of times, been as comatose as a crowd at an Al Gore lecture be he keeps on going. Its like one of the Jack Baur facts states if you hand Jack Baur a lemon, he will use to kill terrorists.

1:00:00

I've often had dreams of being Jack Baur, but I think I'd have to start small, work the small cases and grow from there. I would race around the clock to figure out such things as how my brother Bill scores over five hundred thousand points in Bejewelled. My theory is that he is on steroids but everyone I ask keeps dying before they tell me the truth, I am on to you brother, TELL ME WHERE THE DRUGS ARE. Unfortunately I think my short attention span and overall laziness would prevent me from being an effective Jack Baur, if the show was about me I think they would have to call it 48 cause I'd keep putting things off till tomorrow. I know how it would go, my boss would tell me they know where the terrorists are and I'd say "I can't today, I'm still on season five of the Shield and I have to finish this."

Last night marked the return of a real American hero, and it will be another season full of non-stop, twisting and turning, no time to use the bathroom or get a drink, race against the clock action. I think a big twist should be when the clock hits 11:30 they should air the Jay Leno show, turns out hes the big villain, then Jack Baur kills him, hitting him in the chin cause it's his source of power. I figure at some point the baddies go after Jack's family, probably Kim cause that girl could find trouble wherever she goes, maybe the mountain lion from season 2 will make a return, they have unfinished business. Most likely they go after Jack's granddaughter which is going to lead to some quality rage from Jack, is it so wrong that I want Jack to use her as a weapon, nothing too brutal of course, but she's only small, very easy to swing or throw at somebody. So here's to Jack Baur, saving the world one day at at time, or whenever Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail.

1:29:00

Rejected Birthday Presents

2010-01-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ahh birthdays, the day of the year when we celebrate our escape from the deep dark recesses after nine long months. Today a good friend of mine celebrated her birthday, my gift of a card and gift card was appreciated but I told her the gift I wanted to get her was not possible. It's an invention of mine that for some reason keeps getting rejected. I took her non-enjoyment of the jack-in-the-box that fires out a chloroform soaked rag as market research that girls everywhere probably would not enjoy this gift. This is not the first time my attempts at the new hot gift item for the year has beared no fruit, as many of my ideas have been rejected. Off the top of my head here are some items that you will not be seeing on your shelf anytime soon.

*Ticke me Cactus Patch- market testing showed that kids didn't want to tickle the cactus patches cause it made their fingers bleed, but never underestimate what kids will do when you withhold their supper.

*Porcupine in a Box- who doesn't think porcupines are cute, after many failed attempts and figuring out that I had to cut holes in the box, I thought this one would get off the ground. As it turns out, the porcupines became quite agitated and many people got stabbed.

*The Shamoo Shamwow- made from real killer whale, you have no idea what I went through to make these. Turns out Shamwow is serious about imitators as Vince Schlomi beat me like some Vegas hooker, who knew Slap Chop was actually a karate style.

*Whack-a-Seal- test your reflexes, see if you can club the seal before he goes back in the hole. As an added bonus, the club is actually a replica of Heather Mills' wooden leg. This game was almost shelved when Paul MccCartney heard about it and wanted to fly to Newfoundland in an outrage, luckily he tore PEI apart but hasn't found me yet. Turns out it was the complaints of Pamela Anderson that nixed the game, turns out being married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock she knew a thing about being beaten and she said it was inhumane. It was totally cause of her boobs, can't be her brains, she doesn't seem that smart, she only got a C in Hepatitis.

*Hungry Hungry Hobos- can your hobo swallow all the marbles before the other contestant, this game was shelved because kids did not enjoy the authentic hobo smell. Attempts to throw in a real life hobo with every game were also not well recieved.

*The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien Board Game- I really thought this was starting to take off, but executives told me I had to replace it with the Jay Leno edition.

*Battleship:Saskatoon Naval Reserve Edition- turns out screaming YOU SANK MY BATHTUB didn't appeal to people so it looks like once again the boys from Saskatoon won't be seeing any action.

You may read these ideas and say he is a terrible person, I see myself as a visionary, these ideas could have been legen......wait for it......dary but people can't deal with what I'm layin down, cause I'm too real. However if none of these gifts appeal to you or anyone you know you can always go the unoriginal route and give the person money. Pretend this person is Haiti and your a celebrity who just discovered Haiti and thought it could be a tax write-off, and give the person all you can. So if it's your birthday today, I say Happy Birthday, and know that right now you could have your very own porcupine.

The Irregulars

2010-01-14T16:18:00.001-08:00

When you work in a busy restaurant, you tend to see a lot of people come and go. Some people you may see a lot more then others, these are the people you call your regulars, just like the postal service they are there whether it be rain or snow or sleet or hail. At my restaurant we have a lot of regulars, but they are only regular in the sense that they visit our restaurant every day, sometimes two or three times a day, in every other way believe me there is nothing regular about them. Over the years some of these irregular customers have been given names, names that seperate them from the rest of the customer base, let's take a look at some of these people shall we:

*Ed- no catchy nickname here, Ed is his name and that's what everybody knows him as, I don't even think he has a last name, I personally think he should be called Mr. Ed because based on some of the meals my brother has made him, the man can eat like a horse. Ed is the only customer we have who regularly sits at the bar, so much so that My brother had a sign done up for him and placed at the bar which read Ed's Place. He's pretty fond of the sign, maybe a little too fond as now nobody is allowed to sit at the bar, he even hired bouncers. I got kicked out of work on my shift cause I sat at the bar and I wasn't on the list. Ed can be a handful for the girls, he likes his food a certain way, and enjoys asking for things that are not on the menu. Some of the girls complain a lot about this, so I guess he's not much of a tipper, cause if he tipped well I'm pretty sure they would feed him bushels of grapes and fan him, and man that would need a big fan.

*Big Nose- I bet you cannot guess why the man has this name. Big Nose holds the distinction of the only customer my kitchen manager Bogey has ever barred from the restaurant. Bogey(short for beauregard, and he's a terrible golfter) is a laid back gent, but don't make him mad, cause when he gets mad *dr. evil voice* people die*dr. evil voice off* Months later we saw the return of Big Nose, and we usually see him two maybe three times a day. I usually know he's in the restaurant by the exclamations of "I'm not serving him" coming from the girls. In some cases I'd think they were overreacting, but they do jump through a lot of hoops for this guy, who's meal usually only consists of rolls and tea. There is a silver lining however, despite all the harshness our restuarant has been ant free since he's been coming around. The other day he stopped and talked to my brother and I despite our efforts to not make eye contact. His inane ramblings about the weather were filled with boasts about how our tempatures are better then Texas or China. He went on to predict good weather for us for the rest of the week, he says he saw it on the news but I'm sure if there was rain coming he could smell it a week in advance, the nose always knows. I still don't even know how I made eye contact with him, I'm cross eyed so I was looking at the bar and the back of the dining room, that nose doesn't just detect weather but fear as well.

*The Lovebirds- the lovebirds are a couple that have been dining with us a long time, since around the time we opened for sure, so maybe 6 or 7 years. They are labeled the lovebirds cause they often sit on the same side of the booth, yes foks they are so sweet they could bring a tear to glass eye. The male member of the couple seems to try too hard with some of the girls, one of the girls told me there was an extended period of time when he always asked for fish or something like that, which ended when they chased him out of the store with a bat. Okay so that didn't happen, but it would have been so cool. Much like birds this couple disappears for periods of time, I guess they migrate to other restaurants, but then there are times when they are harder to get rid of then a siamese twin. Personally I've always been a bit weary of the male of the couple, he looks like the type that comes off as charming but would wear your skin as a bicycle helmet.

*Hitler- I haven't had much experience with this guy, except for his penchant of liking the wings off white meat. I believe he was given the name Hitler cause he was pretty overbearing, and one of the girls read a history book and said you know you else was overbearing, that Hitler guy, and the name stuck. He has been mean to many of the waitresses, they weren't even Jewish, and often freaks out if he doesn't get his wings, I never know why, the show itself wasn't bad but it has Tim Daly, how excited can you be about it.

There is never a dull moment at my restaurant, usually just when I think I see it all I haven't. Just when I think I have all the answers, our customers, much like all my math teachers throughout school, changed the questions, come on what else explains why I was such a bad math student. I often wonder what our restaurant would be like without our irregulars, the life of the wait staff would probably be a bit easier, so that would be sad, as them having to work harder is funny cause it doesn't happen to me. These irregular customers are the reason I'm glad to be working in the kitchen, as this way our head office saves a lot in window bills, and I get arrested far less, which in life is always a plus.

Mark McGwire admits steroids use, in more shocking news the sky is blue

2010-01-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a big day for people who enjoy the phrase I told you so, as Mark McGwire finally admitted one of the world's worst kept secrets since how they get the caramilk in the caramilk bar. McGwire reported that throughout his career there were periods of time when he used steroids, one of these periods just happened to be when he broke the homerun record, and somewhere Hank Aaron could be heard laughing uncontrobally. Reaction through baseball has been widespread, calls to ban him from the Hall of Fame, to take away the record, or put an asterisk next to it; seriously, between McGwire and Barry Bonds the hall of fame record is gonna have more stars then Gigli. When asked for his comments, Roger Clemens said he had a statement prepared but he mis-remembered it, and Sammy Sosa when asked totally forgot how to speak English again.

McGwire's press conference was short, he managed to duck most questions by instead asking if the reporters wanted to see him hit some dingers, the universal answer was yes, yes they would like to see him hit some dingers. I assume his confession will mean once again looking into players from that time, and I assume the answers will be the same. Rafeal Palmeiro will deny again using steriods, saying he only used Viagara, and that was to get more then his stats up. Barry Bonds will deny ever using steroids, get angry at the reporters for not leaving him alone, rip up a phone book, and then go back to training his muscular 6'9 240 lb 11 year old how to swing properly.

McGwire confessed now because he is to be the hitting coach of the St. Louis Cardinals and to paraphrase he "always knew it would come out eventually." I'd say it was bound to come out, suspicion likely arose when half your home runs came when you were trying to bunt, or the fact that your arms blocked out the umpire, or the infamous time after a bad call you turned Green, yelled "MARK SMASH" and destroyed a dugout. In a somewhat eerie conicidence immediately after the press conference was over, Jose Canseco came out with a new book titled "I told you so, now where's my money."

Amongst the Cardinals, reaction was mixed. Pitcher Chris Carpenter said McGwire should be ashamed and was promptly traded to the Pirates. Albert Pujols(hehehe, if you don't get it say his name slowly, and the J is silent) said he didn't need steroids to be a better hitter and that his diet of Mcdonalds and Slurpee's would do just fine. Matt Holiday said he didn't care, Mark already worked with him and gave him all the nee.....uhm tips that he could. Everybody wondered why David Eckstein was there, to which he explained that he wanted to be "big and strong like Mark."

Back in the days of Roger Maris and Hank Aaron, there was no talk of steriods or asterisks or scandal. That's why I will always think that the feats of those two men will be most impressive. Its not to say that what McGwire and Sosa and Bonds did was not impressive, as both McGwire and Bonds were pretty broken down, I think Bonds had to be carried around the bases at the end. I did not forget Sosa, he worked hard too, managing to hide all the cork in his bat, and struggling with the side effects of steriods, most devastatingly losing his ability to speak and understand English at the baseball hearings. Its just that with every record today seemingly being tainted, trying to find something bad about Roger Maris or Hank Aaron is like trying to find a needle in a clubhouse.

Let's talk about Tiger again shall we

2010-01-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

No, not Tiger Woods this time but an actual honest to goodness tiger. While reading the news sites today I stumbled upon a story about a sixty-six year old man in Ontario who was killed by his pet tiger. The man has apparently had a bunch of exotic animals for years, despite the complaints of neighbours, apparently he had a soft spot for these animals, a soft spot which the tiger found quite delicious. What possible motive or motives could the tiger have for eating the man who for years kept this large cat enslaved? Obviously we cannot get inside the head of the tiger, well I guess the owner did but that was a pretty harsh way to get in there. Allow me to present you now some of the reasons why I think this tiger suddenly pulled a Siegfried and take a before dinner snack:

*Tiger Woods- ok I said I wasn't going to talk about him but the man has obviously given tigers all across the world a bad name. Maybe the tiger saw the repeated news coverage about his infidelities and felt ignored, so he lashed out on his owner, weeks of frustration and resentment towards the golfer unleashed in one big furry ball of fury. I guess there is not much of a difference between the two, because now both are in trouble for eating something they shouldn't have. Although I guess the ways of handling it are different, one tiger will surely be neutered to calm down, while the other one may be shipped off to a zoo somewhere or likely put down.

*The Bengals lost- here is an NFL team that adorns the color of the tiger, uses the name of a tiger but in their playoff game were truly not hat grrrrreat. I mean they lost to the Jets, and I know its the playoffs and any team can get hot, but the Bengals were one of the best teams all year and they fell faster then their teammate out of a moving truck. Perhaps the tiger was angry at being associated with losers, maybe the tiger had money on the Bengals, the report didn't say if the man's wallet or valuables had suddenly gone missing, but maybe the tiger robbed him too so he could pay off his debts.

*It's a tiger livin in freakin Ontario- I kinda wanted to save the obvious for last, but I know it's the first thing I thought of when I read this article. Apparently the man has had this tiger for a few years, that's at least 3 or 4 Canadian winters the tiger has had to deal with, so eventually it's gonna snap and not be able to take it anymore. I could be wrong but didn't Ontario have some snow lately, and with all of our soldiers busy there is no one to shovel snow, well maybe not the fine folks of the Saskatoon naval reserve, but they probably can't afford the trip to Ontario, as I can't see their budget being very high. Lord knows a banner weekend for the troops is a box of a dozen Tim Horton's doughnut instead of fighting over half a dozen, which they call their manuevers, anywho I digress. The tiger was most assuredly cold, probably lured the owner in for a snuggle for body heat, but you don't snuggle with tigers, you strap yourself in and feel the g's, or in this case teeth. I don't know if you could eat tigers, the animal activists would probably be all over you, but I do that that mixing tiger with harsh cold is a recipe for disaster.

I just want to end by giving a shoutout to the person who was able to take the tiger and lock it in a seperate part of the cage. I forget if it was a man or woman but here is an animal that probably was not calmed down yet, and they managed to take and push it away and lock it up. Surely this person has stones the size of bowling balls, of if it was a woman I'm sure they baked it some muffins or something(if your counting, that's reason number 101 why I'm single). Seeing a person ravaged like a buffet line with sumo wrestlers is something that cannot be that is easy to see, and yet to act quickly is quite brave and an alternative to my plan of running backwards away from the tiger. If you ask me the tiger's mistake was staying to admire it's work, it got cocky, obviously wanted to boast, it should have fled, went on the lamb, and then eaten that too. Of course this would have made the tiger even more hated, cause from my experience with the wait staff I work with, if there is anything people hate, it's a dine and dash.

Barrack Obama to get Lost....

2010-01-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

Possibly pre-empted in Febuary that is. It appears that everyone's favorite president(besides the ones that voted for the other guy of course) may be scheduling his state of the union address as the same night as the season premiere of Lost's 6th and final season. Die hard fans of Lost are already in panic mode, using there greatest weapons, snarky humor and the internet to try and convince the prez to run his speech another night. I say give Obama a chance, how do we know he's not a fan himself, maybe his state of the union address is actually to answer some of the questions that all lost fans have; however, if the man gives away any spoilers you know his popularity rating is gonna drop faster then Juliet when she let go of Sawyer's hand, why couldn't you hold on tighter you lovable con man you.

We don't know what goes inside the white house, maybe the Obama's have a weekly Lost night, arguing over who's cuter Kate or Juliet, or clenching their fists in anger over the antics of Benjamin Linus. Can't you just picture the president standing in front of a mirror trying to talk like Desmond like we all have when we are bored....um I mean I've never tried it cause that would be a little bit weird. I know one thing, if he could tell me why that Cynthia chick was in Hurley's mental institution, I'd move to the United States and become a citizen just so I could vote for him for re-election because that's been driving me nuts since season 2.

Perhaps his address will be something huge like he's gonna spend billions of dollars to try and find the island, lord knows Bush wasted tons of money trying to find things that didn't exist. Perhaps he'll keep flying air force one over the skies to see if he can hit the mysterious ball of electromagnetism, don't worry if he crashes Jack is a doctor he can save him. Now see me being an evil person, if I was scheduling the presidential address for that night, I would start it with the whiteout that ended last season and slowly fade in drawing suspension and then revealing Mr. President stood at the podium. Then he would launch into his speech about healthcare reform ironically enough causing strokes in most of the viewers. Most people wouldn't want to see that, they don't care what happens to people today, they wanna see what happened to people on the island thirty years ago.

Honestly folks, what questions would you rather know the answers too, how the new healthcare system works, or how the hell is their two Locke's? when is the war in Iraq gonna end? or how is Lost gonna end? If it is absolutely necessary for Mr. Obama to interrupt what us fans have been waiting for for so long, I hope he least wheres a Darma jumpsuit, like the time Bush wore the fighter pilot uniform on the boat, making up for the last time he was supposed to where a uniform and didn't, it could be Obama's way of making it up to the people. Actually for me watching either wouldn't be much different because when it comes to the show or what's goin on in America I have no clue. Oh well at least till then I have the Shield, Micheal Chiklis might look like a testicle but I know exactly what he's doin.

P.S. the above article main contain spoilers, and if you read any of them, haha made you look, but really it's too late for you to catch up now, so I've done you a favor, Namaste.

The Festive Fallout

2010-01-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

As I write this the current date on your mortal calender is January 7th 2010. January is supposed to be time of rest for my restaurant, nobody is supposed to have any money left after Christmas, but this year thanks to the promotion our company ran during the wildly popular festive special nobody needs money to eat chicken. To celebrate 20 years of our loyal fanbase gorging themselves with chicken after chicken, fry after fry, our patrons were rewarded with a buy one get one free coupon that can be redeemed in January. The corporate suits thought this would be a good idea to get people in to our restuarant, a problem we have never really had in the past. Well the idea worked, as people have responded in droves, I think I used this analogy before but I swear it's like people told them that Jesus was back, and he had bread and fish for everyone.

It is seldom that in January you see line-ups hit so early and stay so long, as I escaped tonight there were still hordes of customers laying in wait, salivating over their oncoming feast. It is times like these that I want to throw a chicken leg into the crowd and start a riot, but I am a good company man so I do not. I am by no means a mathmatical genius but I can't see how our company is not losing money by giving away these coupons, I know it is bringing people in, and it's better then having somebody stand in the parking lot shooting a gun saying "get your chicken here." It took us two years to recover from that stunt and that's why I'm not allowed to particpate in meetings anymore. Maybe we could have taken the Oprah approach, and round everyone up and scream "AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN! AND YOU GET A CHICKEN!

It's not just that our guests love a deal, I mean who doesn't, it's that whenever people see the word free, they instantly turn into McGyver, figuring out what they can use to get the most stuff for free, or how they can get around all the loopholes that are in one place. I think I even saw one customer fashion a fishing line out of string and and ordinary paper clip to try and reel in a quarter white when they were told they couldn't get it on takeout. I know being busy is good, and it makes time go fast, and it keeps me employed, but just a break is all I ask, people could have at least waited a week or so before cashing these coupons in. I guess these coupons are flammable cause they were burning a hole in everyone's pocket.

I love chicken, after the cow it's the most delicious animal on earth, with an honorable mention going out to pigs but I don't think I could wait in line as long as some of these people do. Our chicken is great, but unless somebody is not telling me something I don't think there is a chicken shortage, so if you don't get it one day you will surely get it the next. Maybe for our next promotion we can do a little fear mongering, start a rumor that the chicken population is dwindling and that they have to act fast if they want it, I'm pretty sure some of our guests would take out second mortagages to get some of it, supply and demand is a powerful thing.

I said it before, it is good when business is good, it has allowed me all the shiny things I possess, but every now and then a break is good, I hear through the grapevine that a storm may be approaching so it could be coming soon. The coupons are no good on the weekends anyway so where was the snow when we needed it, curse you unseasonable warmth. So please come in, enjoy your free chicken, but know that the chicken you are eating probably had a family, somehwere there is an orphaned chicken left behind, let's see if your free chicken is so easy to swallow now.

Canada loses World Juniors, TSN implodes

2010-01-06T17:04:00.000-08:00

Alex Trebek, Pamela Anderson, maple syrup, and now the gold medal in hockey, these are just a few things that America has taken from us. I was prepared to write this post when the score was 5-3, the commentators were quiet, they like myself figured the end was near, but then it was 5-4. A couple of minutes later people all over Canada celebrated as the Canadian team scored the tying goal, except those in Quebec, I don't know what they did but I assume it involved poutine and talk of seperation. In Canada we sat at the edge of our seats, In America I assume they didn't watch it cause since they lost the glowing puck they can't seem to follow that thing. Then it happened, the Americans scored, quieting the place in a heartbeat, there would be no 6th straight medal for Canada.

It was then a funny thing happened, TSN started to unravel, Gord Miller's jaw was stuck in the dropped position, Pierre McGuire was pulling out what hair he had left, and Bob McKenzie's head had exploded, taking out 2 other panelists as well. After this the camera started to go all fuzzy, shaking out of control and it went blank. Reports that the TSN building collapsed to the ground are unfounded, I checked a few minutes ago, they are airing the Leafs game, and they are losing so everything seems to be back to normal. Obviously the USA are a great team, hell they should have beat Canada on New Year's eve so they should not feel bad about the loss, at least it wasn't Switzerland, looking at you Russia.

A lot of Canadians are probably second guessing the team, wondering what they could have done different, do you know what I blame it on? that stupid new cheer that was developed for Canadian hockey, the EH O Canada Go chant. This thing has no rhythem, there is no flow, so you see every time the fans started to chant this phrase the Canadian players would look up in confusion and say what the hell are they saying, that doesn't sound very good, and then bam, the US players take the puck and go down and score. So on behalf the rest of the country I'd like to thank the person who created that cheer for making us lose are gold medal, I hope your proud of yourself.

It was an awesome game though, and the Canadian team have nothing to be ashamed of, even if there are probably a group of patriotic Canadians looking to storm the border(don't tell them we have a nuclear bomb, ok it's filled with maple syrup but still they don't have to know that). During the medal presentation there were a few things that made me wonder, first of all is I think they found the original Mountie, because one of the guys they had there was like 2oo years old, I seriously think he was asleep the whole time. The second thing was that there were representives there of the Saskatoon naval reserve. Is it just me or does this have to be the most boring weekend known to man, I mean is there even water in Saskatoon? I imagine it's just a group of twenty-somethings sitting around playing Socom: Navy Seals on Ps2, not every soldier gets the exciting job, like shovelling out Toronto.

So as the saying goes, there is always next year, and if I heard correctly next year's tournament is in Buffalo. I wonder how many teams will leave with the equipment they came with, or even if it will be broadcast with the same passion that it will be broadcast on Canadian television. Its the old philosophical question, if a country hosts a hockey tournament and there's no one around to broadcast it, did they really have a hockey tournament?

Things from childhood that have been ruined with age: Board Games

2010-01-05T06:26:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid many moons ago and was stranded indoors by a rainy day, I often enjoyed a good board game to pass the time. When I wasn't wrestling with my brothers or making fun of my sister for her somewhat stalkerish obsession with Duran Duran or New Kids on the Block(now that I think of it that may have been without her knowing, sorry Kelly but it was a little creepy) some of us would rustle up around the table and break out some of our favorite games and waste an hour or two. This was all well and good when I was a lad, but as with most things time and perspective has given me a new look on these games, lets take a look at a few shall we:

Operation- The game where you operate on some poor smhuck, removing such things as vital organs to materials that shouldn't be there. Just don't touch the sides, cause that buzzing means you lose your turn. Now that I'm older I see just how this game would really be played, because of poor health care systems this man has been probably waiting for this operation for several months, backlogged on a waitlist that is pages long. If this was the USA this man better have a HMO or you would have to include his shirt on the list of things you would have to remove from him, cause he'll be out on the street. Finally how many young kids had their dreams dashed by this game, how many young Timmies or Janies wanted to be doctors only to hear the repeated buzzing when they touched the sides. Their dreams of saving lives ruined by the knowledge that they are shakier then a Muhammed Ali right hook. Thank you operation, perhaps we'd have more doctors and shorter wait times if you didn't if you didn't put so many kids dreams on life support.

Clue- the game of whodunit, where, and with what. The game takes place in a mansion with more suspicious activity then Tiger Woods place when his wife is out of town. Clue was always a fun game, deciphering all the clues, playing a mini Sherlock Holmes, peaking inside the envelope when my family left the room for a drink(so I was a dirty cop, I GOT RESULTS). If my older years has taught me anything is that you had better hope you built a solid case against Col. Mustard, cause with today's legal system he could be out with the streets in days. Also, you can not wrap up the mystery in an hour(unless your David Caruso or Lawrence Fishburne) and with DNA testing it will take weeks maybe even months, pleny of time for the good Col. to skip the country and live like a king in Mexico.

Monopoly- the ultimate game in venture capitalism and greed. Monopoly has torn more families apart then Jerry Springer and Maury Povich combined just by the sure speed in which a simple game of property investment can go to a knock down dragout brawl. At it's heart Monopoly is supposed to teach you how to be good with money, I'm still waiting for that lesson to kick in. My dreams of owning a railroad have turned into waterworks, trying to buy the electric company was not such a bright idea. I couldn't even win at the Mcdonald's monopoly and do you know how many fries I had to eat to try and get Park Place, instead all I got was a tight feeling in my community chest.

Hungry Hungry Hippos- I never actually played this game, just saw the commercials on television. It appears the idea is to get your hippo to eat the most marbles that are on the board. The little animated hippos that they use in these commercials are so cute, litte do the kids know just how dangerous the hippopotomaus really is. The hippo is regarded as one of the worlds deadliest animals, for it's ferocity, it's sheer power, and deceptive speed. Think about it, one minute your on a safari thinking to yourself "I'd like to pit that hippo" and the next your tombstone reads Here Lies Fred, I told him not to pet that Hippo. So while ten year old me would feel proud if I had fed my hippo more then anyone else, twenty-nine year old me wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, or a twelve foot hungarian.

With the advance of today's society, board games have fallen by the wayside. They have been replaced by the Playstations and X-boxes of the world and left to collect dust on the shelf. However I still have the memories of when I was young, the rampid accusations of cheating between me and mom while playing Sorry, which ironically always ended up in us apologizing. The sinking of battleships that today would bring the angry Americans to your doorstep. My plans of making a new battleship based on 911 was rejected, turns out it couldn't be battleship if I used planes and screamed you blew up my tower when I lost, it's a new decade, is it safe to make that joke yet?

As I grow older it Boggles my mind how one's Life can be filled with such Snakes and Ladders. The Trivial Pursuit of happiness, for one's own Candyland, to connect with others but really what is there to Connect Four? At times it is not always a Barrell of Monkies, and I'm Sorry I don't really have a Clue as to any of the answers. Our quest for peace of mind may often find us in a Mouse Trap, but I guess that is the Risk we take, and you can never Guess Who you are going to meet. I for one prefer the quiet lifestyle, even if sometimes it's fun getting into Trouble.

What if I were to start my own Sports Network

2010-01-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm just sitting here watching the Canadian Juniors game against Switzerland, if you have to ask who is winning you do not watch hockey, or know anything about the Swiss hockey team. Although in fairness they did beat Russia, always an impressive feat. It is not hard to find sports on my satellite these days, besides the staples TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score I could also choose the Nfl networks which would access me to all NFL games, or the NHL network where I could partake in all hockey games. I wanted to get the MLB network, but it was too expensive as it turns out it is baseball fans who apparently have to pay the contract of Alex Rodriguez. As I look through these channels I notice that they have all the major sports covered, and tennis when there is nothing else to show. However by covering the major sports they they have left virtually hundreds of thousands of competitions by the wayside, so I have started thinking about starting my own Sports Network, dear readers I present to you the Martin Sports Network.

Now I'm not naive enough to think that I can get the contracts of the major sports out of the starting gate, so I wanna start small, allow the world to get to know the joe blows of sports. The sorry bunch of miscreants that play the game for a pack of smokes or a sandwich, any sports league is welcome to join my network, well except the WNBA, we are talking real sports here people. Creating an all day block of television programming can be hard and I am open for ideas on what sports I can cover, here are some ideas that I have in mind:

*World's Strongest(smelling) man competion- in this league we round up all the homeless and French people we can find, and each has to compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will decide the strongest smelling man and the winner will get a free bath and delousing.

*2 girls 1 ball in a cup- did you love ball in a cup when you were a kid, well here's your chance to watch all the excitement live on your television. This is a tournament format with two girls competing to see who can get the ball in a cup the most amount of times. The winning girl will recieve an oven so they can go home and bake their man chocolate chip cookies. I am just kidding ladies............it doesn't have to be chocolate chip (the preceding is reason #87 why I'm still single)

Here at the Martin Sports network we also offer some extreme sports for the more hardcore sports enthusiasts, you will be able to enjoy such programs as:

*Paintball Floor Hockey- do you like Paintball? do you like Floor Hockey? how would you like to get shot with paintballs while playing floor hockey. Think your gonna score on that breakaway do ya? not so fast, shot to the leg, gonna go five hole, how about a shot in the five hole. Winning team will win a years supply of paintballs.

*Bobbing for Lobsters- who didn't bob for apples when they were little, ok I didn't, but I have an aversion to dipping my head under water, if I want an apple I'll open the fridge thank you. Anywho, this idea came to me in the supermarket one day when I past the lobster tank, and I thought wouldn't it be hardcore to stick my head in and fetch a lobster. When I got out of the hospital I knew this wasn't idea I should sit on and I had to develop it right away. The winning prize for the person who catches the most lobsters, a lobster stuffed with tacos.

Also at the Martins Sports Network, we offer some new twists to some old and boring favorites:

*The Spelling Bee- think these kids don't have enough pressure, you haven't seen pressure till you've seen it the Martin Sports Network way. Our soundstage for the kids would involve trap doors, making the kids regret spelling the word wrong. Will the kids crack under the constant insults hurled at them, could you spell pteradactyl while somebody alleged that you were adopted, find out for yourself on the Martin Sports Network.

*Curling- I had a curling league set up with little mini explosives in the rocks for when they hit each other but the league fell through when all the curlers switched to Swiffer sweepers. Sure the ice is cleaner but turns out they couldn't sweep the rocks very far, baby come back indeed.

*Squash- not the sport, it's just a half hour showing of a squash, because I think it's a funny looking vegetable and it's my network and I can do what I want.

So with this list of programming(and some illegal piracy techniques) I hope to be on top of the sports media within the first couple of years. By the way the host of every program will be Don Cherry, the man is 95% testicle and you will be too scared to turn the channel. So feel free to write me with any program ideas, or just write me, it's cold and I'm so very lonely.

Warning: This Post may be hazardous to your eyes

2009-12-30T06:31:00.000-08:00

On my day off yesterday I decided to venture to the mall, as I was told I should, nay had to go see James Cameron's new movie called Look What I Can Do.....um sorry Avatar. I don't know if I enjoyed it as much as everyone else, its quite a beautiful movie to look at, and Cameron did wonders with the smurfs, my how they have grown; however, it was something else that caught my attention, something that was on the package for the 3D glasses that I recieved. On the back was a warning that the glasses were not to be worn outside, they couldn't be used as sunglasses, do we really need a warning for this, the sad truth is that yes we do need a warning for this. Because you and I know that if there is no warning there is somebody in the world who will try and use these as sunglasses, thinking it could help them. Quite frankly if you think you can use glasses that help enhance things to stare at the sun you should not be allowed outside to begin with.

The warning on the glasses got me thinking about other warnings that you see on things, warnings that should be common sense yet sadly have to be spelled out so the rubes of society won't kill theirselves. How many bottles of chemicals do you see that say this should not be drank, I know most of them are for kids, but they shouldn't be in the reach of kids anyway, if you don't know that there's a warning for that too. In one episode of the Simpsons when the family is watching a commercial for some product I can't remember, Homer says "see because of me there is a warning" sadly this happens far too often, so I think there should be another warning underneath that saids "Warning, you may get a little stupider reading the previous warning."

The one warning that has never made sense to me is the tag on mattresses that strictly forbids the owner from removing the tag of the mattress. I always wondered why this was so important and just how strictly it is enforced. I mean is there a matress tag task force that storms houses if they hear of tags getting removed. Maybe NBC could make a new Law and Order, call it Law and Order: Matress Unit, lets face it NBC could use some new shows, there's only so much Jay Leno you can put on to fill time am I right. Maybe the tag is some kind of tracking device that lets the government know what your doing at all times, all you conspiracy theorists try and sleep tonight now.

Finally, there are the warnings that you see on tv in drug commercials. When the warning for side effects for the drug is longer then the part about the drug itself, perhaps it's not such a miracle drug. I guess the thinking that if the person taking the drug feels all these side effects, they will forget about the pain they are feeling, it's the old stomp on a person's foot to make them forget about their headache technique. There's even warnings for good side effects like lasting more then four and half hours from pills like Viagra, frankly I wouldn't consult my doctor I'd be feeling pretty good about myself. Maybe they should use Viagra as an anti-depressent, I know if I was depressed and used it that I'd have something to brag about, or collapse with blood loss, but hey I couldn't be sad if I was unconscious.

It saddens me a little that we live in a society where we have to be told what to do so much. Obviously it's good that we have laws and some order, but the fact that people have to be told to not stick their hands on an electrified fence scares me somewhat. This is why I could never be a good parent, because my belief is let them try it once, then they will learn, does little Barney want some drano with supper, yes let him try it, if he recovers he will have learned a valauble lesson, milk does a body good, but drano sends you to the hospital.

The Bond's Path Code

2009-12-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a new movie with Tom Hanks and Ron Howard. The Bond's Path code is something I have heard about off and on throughout my years, it is something that holds the residents of this place together, yet nobody really knows what it means. For those who don't know Bond's Path is where I grew up, a little Section of Southeast Placentia, about 2o minutes walking distance from Placentia depending on how fast you went. Quite Frankly I was never quite sure where Bond's Path ended and Southeast began, some say the boundary was smelt river, but I'll be darned if I'll let fish dictate our boundries. Growing up as a kid there I always had fun, but then I have a wild imagination so I could make anything fun, from rocks to trees, you name it I imagined it was something else, but anyway I digress.

The majority of the talk of the Bond's Path Code came from one of the local town alcoholics. Now if your from Placentia, and your reading this, your probably not wondering who I'm talkin about, but which alcoholic am I talkin about. The list is a long one folks, I think their may be even a prize for the best alcoholic, but don't quote me on that. This man who shall remain nameless would often carry out the same ritual in accordance of the code, when a resident of Bond's Path left he would drink himself into a stupor(ok he often does this if nobody leaves) and he then proceeds to cry, blubbering about how Bond's Path has lost another one, and the sacred code that exists between all of them. When my sister moved to Sweden he said it, if someone moved to Point Verde, he said it, and I mean Point Verde is just through the woods, I mean unless you get attacked by a moose, he's gonna see you again.

Many times I observed this ritual, at first I was too young and didn't understand, asking questions like "Mommy why does he walk funny?" or "Why does he sound funny?' my mom who would always try to shelter me from the bad stuff would say that he had an inner ear problem, luckily my non politically correct dad would be right there to yell and enlighten me on what was really going on. I've done extensive research on the Bond's Path code, I must have asked about 2 or 3 people, and nobody seems to know what its all about. How far back does the code go, is it only this century or does it go back to biblical times? Maybe it had something to do with the old school, like if one student brought in another students wood for the fire, the next day that student would have to bring in double. Maybe it had something to do with the old swimming pool, like if there were a crowd of kids swimming it was understood that you did not pee in the pool.

I have heard stories(and by heard I mean I make them up) that late at night you can see this man staggering through the street of Bond's Path, wailing and muttering on and on about the code, the sacred code. I long for a time when I can see this code, hold the paper in my hands and fully understand what it means. Maybe it's buried in a box underneath the Pinnacle, if anybody is reading this let's go raid the Pinnacle, I'll get the shovels and you get the pitchforks and torches and together we will uncover this mystery. Even if I have my doubts, from stories I have heard the code has helped him on many occasions, such as making him such an accompolished driver he could stop on a dime and give you a nickel change, or helping in confusing times in the far away land of Toronto, when he was stuck on the street corner of walk and don't walk.

Many have asked the man what the code is all about, and the response is the same, a Mr. T level of jibba jabba that no one can understand. Truly it is a secret that will be taken with him to his grave, cause lord knows if he's cremated he's gonna burn for days.

Defining the times

2009-12-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

Remember the days of the door to door salesman, that nerdy, sometimes creepy guy who went door to door shilling products for big corporations. With the advent of the internet and online shopping, these people have been tossed to the wayside. Avon no longer calls, but sends emails, nobody answers doors to guys with the newest sharpest knife anymore, I tried it, the court date is still pending. Today I had the closest experience to the door to door salesman that I've had it years, strangely enough it didn't come with a rapping, rapping on my chamber door, but on wikipedia of all places.

I was searching through wikipedia coincidentally enough for something else I was going to write, that didn't pan out, when I see it, a plea from the founder of wikipedia himself. Since curiousity killed the cat(it certainly wasn't that burlap sack with rocks if anyone from PETA is reading) I decided to check it out. It was then a funny thing happened, I heard a knocking sound, I opened my chamber door, darkness there and nothing more. Turns out the knocking sound occurred again when I opened the link. Clicking the link was like opening an imaginary door, standing on the other side, Jimmy Wales, the founder of wikpedia, asking me to donate to the site. I was shocked, in this era of modern technology, with a vast sea of resources available, this guy is doing the internet equivalent of selling me encyclopedias door to door.

Sure he didn't have a neat suit or a polished grin, he actually looked quite slovenly, he actually reminded me of the hobo on the Simpsons who created Itchy and Scratchy, bought a house of gold yet still dressed in his hobo garb. He tried to appeal to my good nature, telling me all the things could be learned from wikipedia, and for a low low price I could share in a piece of all this vital information. I guess through the screen he could still see that I wasn't interested, so he began the hard sell, appealing to my sense of community by telling me of all the volunteers that have added information to the site. In the words of the immortal Homer Simpson, do you know these so called volunteers don't even get paid? and as for community, cult members help each other out too, but they usually die in the end.

The thing I find best about wikipedia is that you can go into any page and edit the information, so I made a donation of 2o dollars on the site, then later I went back and edited that, changing it to 10, later again I edited it again and changed it to zero. I was overjoyed at this development, as I haven't been able to change history since my Delorean was repossessed, you try making the payments on those plutonium rods, it's insane. You see Mr. Wales, when you appeal to the good nature of someone, make sure they actually have a good nature.

I can only wonder what kind plan I could get by donating to this site, would I get the A websites the first month, then every letter every month after. I for one prefer to get my information from a source not named skater_boi_rulz25, so I had to say no to Mr. Wales, closing the virtual door on him, and closing the last chapter on the last descendant of the polyester peddlers. Anyways I don't need an encyclopedia, I've read the dictionary front to back, as it turns out the zebra did it *Puts on Shades* I....guess he.........couldn't change his stripes *walks away*

How Burger King toys with my emotions

2009-12-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

As a red blooded Canadian male the love of meat is encoded into my DNA. Being that I was never one for hunting(a successful hunt for me is finding my other sock in the morning) I require other means for acquiring said meat. The nearest supermarket down from me has a wide variety of meat for me to choose, but sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to cook it myself, so I let others cook it for me. There are not many fast food places I have not tried, in search of the perfect burger I have left no stone unturned, in my heavier days I could walk in and be greeted with a rousing cheer ala Norm from Cheers. The same places over and over can get quite boring, and with the weight loss quest still ongoing I've been trying to eat their less frequently, but just when I think I am out they pull me back in. Radio and television these days are flooded with commercial after commercial about delicious burgers, fast food chains trying to lure me like wailing sirens luring approaching ships. Places like Mcdonalds, Wendys, A&W all spend hundreds of thousands of dollars just to get my measly few dollars, to gorge on the biggest burger they have all the while sobbing uncontrollably; however, it's Burger king that most amazes me, it is their commercials that without a doubt stir up the widest range of emotions in me.

Burger King is a delicious food, just the thought of it makes my arteries clog, but it's not just the grease that raises my blood pressure, it's their choice of who they put in the commercials. I mean really have you ever seen somebody as creepy as the Burger King, there have been numerous commercials where people wake up and this guy is just standing outside their window looking in. If you see this is your first instinct gonna be to get a burger or get a cop? are you gonna drive to burger king? or are you gonna drive out of the city in fear of this guy? I personally cannot watch these commercials with the lights off, as I fear turning on the lights and seeing him in the doorway. Years of his burgers have left me susceptible to heavy breathing after just a couple of steps(even though I'm becoming more sleek and aerodynamic) and would no doubt fall prey to his oncoming attack. I for one think it's time for the peasant class to light the torches and raise the pitchforks, and join as one to overthrow this creepy King, storm his White Castle and rid our television screens of him.

While I don't care much for the Burger King, most of my rage and confusion toward the Burger King franchise is aimed toward their new spokesperson, that guy who promotes their now Bourbon Whopper or whatever it's called. This guy loves the burger so much he has a tattoo of him eating it on his arm, you know what tattoo this guy will never have, a naked lady, cause he obviously has no memory of seeing one. They say the burger doesn't actually contain alchohol, if this is the case this guy is more of a lightweight then me, and I get a buzz from cough syrup; seriously, he takes a couple of bites and he's jumping on the trunk of his car, and dancing in the parking lot like some hipster dufus. They rightly don't give this guys name out, so people can't find him and punch him in the face, but I say cut the middle man, go to Burger King's corporate office and punch their marketing guys in the face.

Burger King leaves me both rubbing my stomach and scratching my head. In the past, when I had their food it was always good, not good for me, but satisfying. On the other hand, they go and do things like filming their employees telling customers that they've discontinued the whopper, do you know what it's like telling a big person they can't have their favorite meal, it's like working at a zoo and saying "hey mr. grizzly bear, we've decided not to give you your salmon today." Sure it sounds like a good idea, until you wonder why that bear claw is coming so close to your head, and then it hits you. I shouldn't have to watch a commerical and wonder what is going to tear my insides out first, the burger or the guy in the commercial. Secondly, if I wanted to watch a redneck hoot and holler and jump on the trunk of his car I'd watch Nascar. Now if you will all excuse me, I'm gonna relax and take a bite of this here apple, this can't hurt me in any way, ow my tooth.

Why people make my head hurt

2009-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself at work, or in a situation where someone asks you a question, not just any question, but a question of such stupidity that it makes you do a double take. I know some people prefer the good old facepalm, but I prefer the double take, and then slamming my head off the table ala Don Music of Sesame Street. Today at work was one of those days. First a bit about our wait staff, most of them are off in a world where all they see is the dining room, it's an isolated place, not much penetrates the barrier that seperates the dining room from the kitchen, and we've had some waitresses that make me wonder just how much oxygen is in this world. Today at work, one of my good friends was doin her thing, workin away, when a waitress asked if they could stand on one of scales to weigh herself. I bet your thinking this is a perfectly legitimate question, and it would be, if the scale didn't stop at five pounds, you can't even get one food on this thing, let alone two. My friend a little later had a nose bleed, she says there's no relation to the question but I prefer to think her brain exploded.

This is not even the worst question that's ever been asked, not by a long shot. One fateful day a waitress made the mistake of asking me where the ice in the ice machine comes from, without hesitation I whipped around and responded with "Baby Jesus." She did not believe this answer, maybe cause she was of the godless sort, so our maintenance man and fellow troublemaker Kevin told her we had a little man inside that chips away at an ice block all day long. We've had other doozies such as where the water goes when it drains, what animal does a grilled chicken breast come from, or how the paper goes through the lines of a fax machine.

It is times like this that I wish when these questions were asked I could just say "I'm glad you asked me that" and then pull down a flow chart, and be able to answer these questions in a long detailed manner. Failing this, I would like to create a chip that could be painlessly inserted into ones brain, so when the urge to ask a stupid question rises, they recieve a mild electrical shock. I know no one is perfect, and everyone has dumb moments, like the time I got a job at a strip mall, and was subsequently fired because it wasn't that kind of strip mall. To make matters worse it was an ice cream store, so I was unfairly represented, if you know what I mean.

Is it too much to ask for people to think before they ask questions, do they trust me so much that they believe I won't answer sarcastically. Because if this is the case, they don't know me very well, and sarcasm will be unleashed as swiftly and decisively as I see fit. I plan on emailing Stephen Harper about the brain chip, he seems like the type who might be into certain kinds of mind control. Who knows, maybe he can use it to sway the vote, so he can win by being popular, not because he's the best of the worst. Alas, until I get my wish for the chips or the flow charts, or the ninja that hides until I strike a gong and then attacks, I will be stuck having to listen to the stupid questions, but maybe the sound of my head banging on the table will drowned them out, I'll have to be unconscious eventually.

From where I sit

2009-12-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

From where I sit I can see many things, the room where I sit is small yet comfortable, I see a screen, in it's reflection a bigger screen. There is much technology in this room, trophies I have earned through hard work, and have been able to spoil myself with. My new 50 inch plasma tv, which has brightened my life, literally, the screen is pretty bright, better becareful I guess or I won't see anything where I sit.

From where I sit I see the toys I have decorated the apartment with, all the old rubber wrestlers that adorn the wall, there to remind to me of when things were simpler. Each one a symbol of how those that raised and cared for me worked hard to ensure my childhood was a good one. Each and every one has a story to me. From where I sit I see Hulk Hogan, the first one I ever opened, reminding me that despite the shell he's become I worshipped him like no other. From there I scan to the ones my brothers brought back from trips, when they didn't have to bring me anything at all. In each face I see the faces of the people who looked out for me and made sure I was taken care of before themselves, and that's why I have no complaints about my life from where I sit. That is why they have not been sold, that is why I will always keep them so I can see them from where I sit.

From where I sit I can see pictures of family, I see their genuine happiness to be with a group of people they actually want to spend time with, and I am happy for them. I see them with their new families or old families, old bonds tightened, and new ones formed. From where I sit I can see two dogs, dogs unlike any others. These dogs have brought immence joy to their homes, their loyalty unquestioned, their ability to entertain and amuse. Their ability to sense sadness without being in the same room, causing them to run and remove it with the touch of a paw or jumping in a lap. From where I sit I need more pictures, cause surrounded by close family is not a bad place to sit at all.

From where I sit I can spin my computer chair around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around until I'm quite dizzy, luckily from where I sit I can see pepto bismol, that should take away the nausea. C'mon ya didn't think this whole thing was gonna be serious did ya.

From where I sit there is a lot of clutter, I guess I should clean, but work makes me so lazy that usually I like to stay where I sit. From where I sit I see my teacup, containing the remnants of my only addiction, it's a relaxation without the high, and good till the last drop. From where I sit I can see snow, rain, trees, Bobby, Jane, Lucas.....sorry I guess I see Romper Room where I sit.

Open Letters to my favorite tv shows

2009-12-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

Television viewing is different today then when I was a kid, shows have gotten smarter, rely on cliffhanger endings a lot, and the tv schedules are all over the place. Some shows I enjoy start in September, other shows I enjoy start in January, some start in March. With the advent of being able to watch tv on the internetz, it means I have new shows pretty much all year long, and no commercials, cause unless it's the Superbowl, who wants to watch commercials. Recently some shows that I enjoy have come to end for their respective seasons, or are on hiatus, and their final shows have forced me to write the writers of each show a letter, to let them know my thoughts, annnnnnnd away we go.

Dear Sons of Anarchy,

Thank your a great season, all your wacky actions and infighting kept me hooked through every episode. The mark of a truly great show is one that can make Peg Bundy look hot even though she's gotta be like what, sixty years old. I think we can all be glad that FX is not a hd channel. You had many great moments this season, and I just wanna thank you for waiting until the last few minutes to kick me in the stomach with that ending, now I have to wait to September to see what happens, thanks, thanks alot.

Dear Dexter,

Another good season this year, and let me just say thanks, for waiting until I recovered from the end of Sons of Anarchy to kick me in the nads with that ending. I won't spoil it for fans who haven't seen it, but really, what did I do to deserve getting kicked in the grapefruits like that. Also, what happened to Micheal C. Hall, I saw him in the post season interview and he looks like the character Tom Hanks played in Philadelphia,after the Aids. Thank you also for making sure I can never enjoy Third Rock from the Sun again because now not only have I seen John Lithgow naked( even bleach didn't help take out that image) now I will picture him controlling that whole family through fear and intimidation.

Dear Glee,

Why do I even watch your show, is it the catchy musical numbers, is it that the lead girl is pretty cute, or is that lost part of me who wanted to be on broadway, but never got past playing Santa in a grade 8 play. I had the audience on their feet the whole time, of course prior to the play I put thumbtacks on their chairs so that might have been the reason. Your fall finale actually ended on somewhat of a happy note, as happy as a guy who kisses somebody who is not his wife- who admittedly faked a pregnancy but you should have known that anyway-could be.

Dear Breaking Bad,

Ok so you actually ended a few months ago, but I didn't have a blog then, so your getting this letter now. I will never think of Bryan Cranston as the dad from Malcolm in the Middle again, and that's a good thing cause I hated that show anyway. Before there was the Sons of Anarchy, or Dexter, you were right there to punch me in the stomach with your ending, and leave me waiting until March to see what comes next. So I will sit and wait, wondering how Walter will get his family back, will he be found out, and how do you clean up the wreckage of two planes colliding from your backyard. Until March Breaking Bad.

I blame 24 for all of this, if they hadn't of done a sad ending to their first season it wouldn't have been cool, or edgy to do it. Of course I'd never say this to Jack Baur, case he would no doubt kill me 5 times before I hit the ground, oh yeah his last season ended with him in a coma, but I've seen commercials for the new season, and he looks fine so all is well(yay stem cells). With House's season still going, and 24 coming in January, and then Lost in Febuary I'm sure there will be more open letters in the future, cause none of those shows like to end with me smiling. And it's the last season for Lost so you know they are gonna aim for a body part to kick me in, perhaps the shin, no one's gotten me there yet.

Mysterious Blue Light seen over Norway, Norway not boring anymore

2009-12-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

The people of Norway noticed somthing mysterious in the sky recently, the appearance of a blue light where once there was no blue light. Norway is a place that flies mostly below the radar, basically the only thing I know that came out of there was heavy metal, and a hockey team that could sometimes compete in international play, but not really. Immediately questions came from all over the globe, what was this blue light? is it batman? Norway? Really? One theory is that it was a failed attempt at a new missle launch from the Russians, but that's boring, and the Russians are too easy to make fun of, so let's try another theory. Having no solid theories of my own, let's work out a few scenarios that it might be.

*The Coors Light Silver Bullet- Coors Light usually have some of the best commercials, but what if they took their advertising to a whole new level. Perhaps they were interested in more then just being the number one beer company, and wanted to add world domination to their list. Personally if I were going to try world conquest(soon Frankie soon) I'd start in Norway, cause really who cares about Norway, also I hear Poland is a bit of a pushover. In searching for reactions to this new strategy, I contacted other beer companies. When I contacted Bud light there response was "Wasssssssssup", this seriously went on for ten minutes, up until I, who has never drank in my life wanted a beer, so I guess thier strategy works too.

*The Polar Express- what if Tom Hanks was a real train conducter, the man could make me believe anything, hell I've seen him do perfectly normal interviews and I still belive he suffers from Aids and has below average intelligence. Obviously Tom Hanks is rich, he can afford a train, especially a train that flies. That being said, what if after filming the movie he said "I want that train, somebody build me that train." And build they did, creating a level of buzz similar to when Springfield got the Monorail. Finally the day came, the first ever flying train would be flown around the world, but something went terribly wrong, and it ended up in Norway. I hear that blue streak was the train trying to get out of Norway as fast as possible.

*Aliens- AHHH ALIENS, RUN, I TOLD YOU THEY EXISTED, NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME, WHOSE GONNA EAT A HAT NOW.

*Norwegian space program-bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha*cough cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Sorry, got to catch my breath for a minute there. I think we can rule out this possibility cause who's ever heard of a Norwegian space program. If Norway ever wants to see a moon landing, just film one, like the States did(I"m on to you armstrong, one small step indeed, to the make-up chair buddy boy) or read the nursery rhyme where the cow jumps over to moon, then you can feel inadequate for coming in second place to someone or something else. Trust me, I'm Canadian I know all about getting the cool things way after everyone else, I mean Newfoundland just got the Iphone, that's as old and dated as my wasssssup joke.

If I've offended any Norwegians who've read this, then cool, that means somebody far away actually reads this mess of a site. I was just playing, from what I've heard the Norwegians are a hard working industrious people, content to put thier heads down and go about their business. Then this blue light comes around and turns everything upside down, causing eyes all over the world to turn and look and say in unison "oh yeah, Norway I forgot about them." Maybe this blue light is good, maybe it's a miracle that will make the Norwegian hockey team a contender, and beat Canada for a gold medal..... yeah I think the space program will happen first.

I have a confession to make

2009-12-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

Ok everyone, time to clear the air and let everyone know the truth. This is not something I'm proud of but it has to be said........I slept with Tiger Woods too. Ok I didn't but it seems like everyone else has these days, so why not jump on that bandwagon, I mean I've already set my watch, my fifteen minutes of fame are getting ever closer. It's interesting to see just how far the mighty Tiger has fallen these days. As a matter of fact tigers get a bad rap in general in the media, the last time we saw a tiger get this much coverage one tried to eat Siegfried, now Tiger Woods is guilty of trying to eat......................um nevermind.

Now, of course I don't know Tiger Woods, he seems like a nice guy, obviously pretty friendly from news reports. I don't want to take away from the sanctity of marriage, or defend Tiger if all these stories are actually true, but that's the thing, how many of these stories are actually true. How many of these women are sitting at home, hearing about Tiger's supposed infidelites, and suddenly remember a time they fooled around with the greatest golfer in the world. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying all women are money sucking leeches, many are on the up and up, but there are women (and men too I'm sure if it were a female celebrity) who saw their opportunity and they took it. Usually that's what heroes do, but not in this case.

Day after Day since Tiger crashed his escalade into a fire hydrant and tree, we've seen woman after woman come out and say they've grabbed the Tiger by the tail. All this talk about Tiger mounting trophies besides the one on his wall has led to loss of his public image, and sponsorships, and it's a suitable punishment if in fact he can't keep his driver in the bag if you know what I mean. When describing the situation to a friend who hadn't heard the story, the best way I could describe it was it's a lot of nobody else's business. However, once again, the media doesn't see it that way, I'm willing to bet that CNN intercepted the onstar call when Tiger crashed just to be the first on the scene.

How much this hurts Tiger's career is yet to be seen, will people forget about the 9 holes he played off the course when he plays 9 holes on the course again. Will they cheer and pump their fists for him like they used too? Personally I could still watch him play golf just like I always have, if there is nothing else on and all the channels are gone except that one channel that is airing golf. Even if Tiger paid off every supposed mistress with those oversized novelty cheques why should the public care, shouldn't it be just between Tiger, his wife, and the other woman or women involved. There is a saying, let he without sin cast the first stone, so with that being said let's see how many of the gallery at Tigers next golf game shows up with rocks.

Has anybody seen my water

2009-12-09T06:25:00.000-08:00

This morning started like every other morning, I woke up though I didn't want to be awake yet, and I knew that Mr. Sandman had disappeared, so I arose, it was then I found out that something else had disappeared also. It appears that at some point during the night, or wee hours of the morning, my water has disappeared. My first thought was that the pipes were frozen, and that would require telling the landlady, she's an older lady so that would require a half hour conversation. Without the ability to make tea, I tried to hold it together, but my thinking became more irrational, my god what if somebody had stolen our water. What reason would they have for doing this, does this person want to destroy the water like Mr. Burns wanted to block out the sun, why does he hate the elements.

Calming myself down I begrudgingly put on my boots and made the trek around the corner of the house to see my landlady, she knew why I was there, for her water was gone too, and our neighbours across the street, and throughout this entire section of city. Surely the water thief was busy last night, hitting home after home. After I relayed my fears to my landlady she calmly assured me there was no such thing as a water thief and that there was a break in the water system. My rational side wanted to believe her, but my frosted side wondered why she would be covering up for this thief, so I decided to confront her, she's 70, surely I could take her, as I screamed for answers, it was then I discoverd her shockingly cat like reflexes as she hurled me down the steps, sending me running for a hot water bottle. Though without the services of hot water I learned those things are fairly useless.

**Pause the above fight scene did not happen, see what happens when I am deprived of tea,**Unpause**

So here I sit, waiting, watching, hoping for a sign for the return of my precious water, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Cracks in my once strong armor are starting to show, I just washed my face in milk, they say it does a body good but now I'm all sticky, maybe I can use the juice from this orange I found in the fridge, oh god, the citric acid burns, Mcbain was right, the goggles do nothing. The irrational side is coming back, but it's more a fear of the unknown, for if there is a water thief amongst us, who knows whats on tap for us next. Will he try to drain us of our spirit? will he flush away all our goodwill? Water you doing to us water thief, if your reading this I just want you to know that this morning I brushed my teeth with maple syrup and it was both demoralizing and delicious, and I hope your happy.

Mr. Plow

2009-12-07T08:15:00.001-08:00

Thats his name, that name again is Mr. Plow. Don't be fooled, Mr. Plow is not the jovial man you've seen on the Simpsons, Mr. Plow is cunning, calculated. Mr. Plow waits in the shadows, lurking behind a pile of freshly shovelled snow. He is a patient man, that Mr. Plow, content to sit and wait until the last blade of snow is gone, till finally the driveway is clean. It is then, and only then that he strikes, his menacing laugh silenced only by the roar of his engine, and the sinister beep beep beep that warns of his presence. Mr. Plow is the scurge of shovellers everywhere, for as soon as they have freedom, as soon as they can see a road that will take them from their imprisonment he says "Not so fast" and blocks them in again.

Mr Plow rarely makes himself seen, often waiting until the poor maligned shoveller goes back inside to rest his weary muscles, then he makes his move, taking away not only the open spaces but hope as well. Some shovellers fight back, they throw the snow at the plow, or shake their fists or throw expletives at Mr. Plow, but he is unhindered in his quest to annoy the shovellers and deny access to the streets he calls home. I do not know what happened in Mr. Plow's childhood, maybe he hand an unyielding father who forced him to shovel from dawn to dusk, then putting the snow back so he could shovel some more. Maybe all his attempts at snowmen making were knocked over by neighbourhood bullies, forcing him to take his revenge on the innocent homeowners of today.

At the time of this writing Mr. Plow has not struck my driveway, not yet anyway, but I lie in wait, waiting for the beep beep, waiting for the yellowish menace to destroy my hard work. It has happened before, it will happen again, and I know the result, I will go shovel again, cause Mr. Plow is too big, to powerful. Many have tried to take him, many have failed, for he is too fast, too elusive, using the pure white snow as a cloaking device for his evil deads. In the distance now I hear a noise, it is faint, but I can make it out.....BEEP, hmm he approaches.....BEEP is only a matter of time now........BEEP .......ah false alarm, was only a big truck backing up. I continue to sit and wait, not just for the streets to be clean of snow, but for the streets to be clean of the menace that is Mr. Plow, yes that's his name, how could you forget the name of Mr. Plow.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

2009-12-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

And snow and snow and snow, might as well throw in a lot of wind too, and ice pellets, everyone likes getting hit with ice pellets. It seems mother nature has decided to unleash her full fury on our little province today, it's just like the movie Whiteout outside, the main similarity being I don't want to see either one. The storm was supposed to hit last night, but at least held off long enough until I was able to get to work, until about 9:30 when she said "ok, you've waited long enough, let's see how you like this." Well despite getting me off work early, I don't like this, for you see I have a satellite dish, and while it has it's benefits like CBC from every province(your still waiting for the benefits aren't you) the satellite people put it in a poor location, so all it takes is a mosquito hitting it to take it down; so you can imagine how a winter storm that would make a yeti stay in affects it.

It wouldn't be so bad, I don't watch much tv since I discovered I could find my shows on the internet if I miss them, but today is football day, and there was a pay-per-view tonight, which luckily I hadn't ordered yet, as past experiences have shown, it sucks to pay for something I haven't seen. I was not ready for this snow yet, January would have been fine, Febuary even better, but not now, I'm not in shovelling shape yet, I don't even think the shovel is in shovelling shape, when I went to grab it today it said "hey don't touch me, I ain't ready yet." Ok I made up the voice but you know what I mean. I really think I just saw a polar bear walk by, or it could have been a person in a white coat and a bottle of coke, I can't really see out the window to verify.

Thankfully the lights are holding, blinking every once and a while, but staying strong, for if I lost my source of tea, there would be some Jack Nicholas shining level stuff goin on around here, no tea, and no tv make Frank go something something, "go crazy" you say, don't mind if I do, bwatatatatatata. My fingers didn't slip that time, that was me going crazy, but I figure you get me. I blame Tiger woods for all this, no reason really, but everybody else is blaming him these days, I demand an apology, I don't need money, come shovel my driveway, I'm not hard to get along with Tiger, just shovel my driveway, if nothing else it'll get you out of the house for a while, cause no matter how cold it is here, it's got to be colder there these days.

Just as I was getting used to the climate change and global warming, just as I was getting used to unseasonable warmth in December, something like this goes and happens. The weather people say it's supposed to be about 40 cm at most I think, I tried to measure how much has fallen, but my ruler fell in the snow, just another kick in the proverbial snowballs. On the bright side there is supposed to sun tomorrow, just nice enough to bust out and shovel a path to freedom, I can't tell you what's gonna happen, but if you don't hear from me, tell the world my story.

My magical quest for the Starbucks Eggnog Latte

2009-12-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had that one magical moment in your life, a time when everything stops, and you are lifted outside of yourself, today for me was one of these days. This quest actually started some days ago when a co-worker of mine made an off hand comment about a beverage he had acquired, the mystical eggnogg latte from Starbucks. My interest in his conversation went from fake to fascinating at the mention of this mere drink. It was at this moment that I knew I had to try this concoction, heaven and earth would have to be moved until I found myself in it's presence. Newfoundland is not like most places, while we do in fact have a great deal of Tim Horton's(hell our Tim's employees outnumber our soldiers like 10-1) we have a limited amount of Starbucks, we only have 3, while in some places in the USA I assume there are 3 on a street.

I did not care how far I had to go, for this trip would surely be worth it, surely this drink would symbolize everything good about Christmas, flowing with the right combination of eggnogg, caffiene, and the sweat of the newly born baby jesus in each cup, there was no sacrifice to small to make. My first attempt at obtaining the latte was a few days ago, but the first roadblock appeared, as I had been hit by mother nature again. No it was not rain this time, nor snow thankfully, but a bitter cold snap and the full force of her wind, which made me say screw this and walk back inside my humble abode, to the comfort of tea and the ever delicious grilled cheese sandwich.

But today, today was the day, conditions were not ideal, but were better then last time, as it was overcast and only a little chilly, yes I can deal with chilly, lifting my hood to cover my bald head I was on my way. As I mentioned before, sacrifices would have to be made to achieve my goal, and the biggest was the use of public transportation. Ah the metrobus, home of the despot and despaired, most just seeking the comfort of the others and only finding it in the form of the barely attentive busdriver, and even he/she will leave you if it's break-time and there is a Tim Horton's close to the stop. As I surrounded myself with the plebians, I thought "it's ok, I'll be there soon, and my trusty music device will allow me to block those around me out." Thankfully, I was right and the trip wasn't very long at all, upon arriving at the mall, I decided to feast upon Mary Browns in order to keep my strength up for the last of the journey. I arrived at Chapters, where this particular Starbucks was located, it was the first of it's kind in St. Johns and less walking distance so this is where I would try it out.
I joined the line up of people that waited for the various concoctions that these magical wenches whipped up before our eyes. After making my order and paying the prerequisite price of an arm and leg, I said the magic word, Grande. Magically moments later the beverage appeared before my eyes, and that's when the change happened. I was lifted, transported if you will, to somewhere else, my leather jacket and hoodie that had protected me from the cold were gone, I now found myself in a turtleneck, sitting at a table with a laptop and bluetooth headset that I had no recollection of entering with or even owning. With the utterance of that one magical word, I became more pretentious and found myself talking louder, as so to ensure everyone knew that I was writing something, my god I was writing something, where was I, how had I gotten here.
I was brought back to earth with the first sip of the latte, as the drink that for the past few days I had put on a pedestal, ranked as merely ok. It was lacking the eggnogg taste, and could have used a bit more baby Jesus sweat, all I got was mostly a taste of coffee, of which I am not so much a fan. My disappointment turned first to anger, as I wanted to find my co-worker and punch him square in the babymaker, now as he is a giant of a man and I am just about eye-level it would be fairly easy, but my levelheadedness prevailed and I thought against it. Since I had paid the arm and a leg(and given them my banking info so they could take payments out each month) I decided it was best to drink this witches brew, and drink I did until I could stands no more and tossed it in a nearby garbage bin.
They say it's not the destination that matters, but the journey, and I say screw that, and screw you Starbucks for tarnishing the good name of eggnogg. This journey taught me that magic should only be used to saw people in half or show how fast you can get out of stuff, not to play God with caffienated beverages. Oh, and by the way, my trusty music device died on the way home, luckily while the ham-n-eggers were out in force today, not many of them were on the bus, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to Tim Horton's for a gingerbread hot chocolate, you'll never let me down Tims, unless your machine is being cleaned.